I've had a lot on my mind the past say or so and never was that more apparent than yesterday, when I had trouble focusing on conversations I was having. I was tuned out, I was cold and I should've put out a disclaimer about my mood (sorry ya'll). My daughter is on her camping trip with her mother and, while I miss her terribly, I realized this morning that that's not what's been bothering me. I was talking to my mom and she voiced concerns over my drinking lately. I've had at least one drink (and often more) every night for ten days. Not quite excessive but I understand her concern given my history. I told her it was no big deal and she asked what was bothering me. I mentioned missing my daughter and she repeated her original question to me. And the answer is that it's my brothers situation that's bothering me. More than I thought possible. After I told my mom this, she reminded me of several instances in our childhood where I swooped in and saved my brother from whatever trouble he'd landed himself in. He idolized me growing up and I was very protective of him. But my mom also reminded me today that, while he stopped idolizing me a long time ago, I've never stopped trying to save him.
It's not so much my fall from grace in my brother's eyes that gets to me, we've been growing apart for years. It's more the fact that I've always been proud of my ability to love unconditionally, but I'm finding it difficult to do that with him of late. This is the first time in my life that somebody I love has tested me in this way. And that's scary for me. Don't get me wrong, I do still love him and would do anything for him. But it bugs the hell out of me that I can't fix things this time. I can't make him realize what huge mistakes he's making. And it's hard to love someone in that situation. I can't even describe the mix of emotions that run through me when I think about him. I know he has to want to change and I know the only thing I can do is be there for him. But that's been difficult for me. And in the past when things have gotten difficult, I've gone numb. Or at least found ways to make myself numb. Maybe internalizing this has been why I've been drinking so much lately. I don't know. I just don't like feeling the way I do right now, though I'm better today than I was yesterday. So I guess that's something.
