I Don't Practice Santeria...Wait...Maybe I Do

Well, last night was interesting. We were all trapped in one house by copious amounts of rain and flood warnings so Crazy Aunt decided to make the best of it by whipping up a batch of her infamous Sangria. Why it infamous, you ask? Because no one knows what she puts in it (we suspect moonshine of some sort) but all you need is one glass and you are feeling no pain. I had four glasses. Well, three and a quarter before the house cut me off. I'd been durnk texting friends all night with hilarious results (as you'll see. I'm a fun durnk.) but when I voiced my intention to text a certain someone, my sangria privileges were revoked and I was switched over to water. So what's a durnk lad to do? Go on Facebook and cause trouble, of course. My brother left his computer on so I wandered in and started going through his Facebook page, and then the pages of his friends. Mind you, I couldn't quite see straight so this was a big adventure for me. Eventually, I ended up seeing my ex-fiancee's face under the "People you may know" tab and insisted on telling everyone what I thought of that. Shortly thereafter, I was escorted to bed to sleep off my buzz. What follows are some of my drunken conversations, in chronological order.

ACT I - Pre-Drinks

Crazy Aunt: Mijo, you think I should marry Jake?

Cousin: Who the hell is Jake?

Me: Her new boy toy, I assume

Cousin: What happened to the other guy? The one she asked you to help set up a camera for?

[Other cousin's girlfriend busts out laughing]

Me: Yeah, it's as traumatic as it sounds.

Me: What happened to the camera guy? What was his name?

Crazy Aunt: Oh, I don't know his name. But that ended. 

Cousin: Ya'll are DEFINITELY related.

Crazy Aunt: I don't know how I feel about him though because I also date Phil.

Cousin: You'd better pace yourself...

Crazy Aunt: Pace myself for what? I'm 66. It's not like I'm gonna run out of men. I need to find another one to til death do us part with

Me: Because the fifteenth time you promise til death to someone, you really mean it.

Crazy Aunt: Don't get smart with me.

Me: Oh I'm not. If I were your age, I'm fairly confident I could commit til death too.

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Act II - During Drinks

Friend: Grumpy cat has a Twitter? How do I not know this?
Me: I don't know what that is
Friend: You retweeted something from grumpy cat
Me: That doesn't change the fact that I don't know what that is
[Sends a picture of grumpy cat]
Me: Oh. Ok. It's a cat.
Friend: Not just any cat. It's a smart ass cat!
Me: I think animals with social media accounts are ridiculous
Me: [An old acquaintance] had an Instagram and Twitter for her dog. And she posted to it often. Like WTF
Me: If I come back as an animal and someone sets up a social media account in my name, I'ma bite they face.
Friend: lol!
Me: I almost lost my damn religion just thinking about that
Friend: Simmer down
Me: I believe the correct phrase is "Simma down nah"
Friend: LOL I almost wrote that
Me: LOL you shoulda
Me: It does nobody any good if I slap my own ass
Friend: LOL
Me: lol I don't even know what I was trying to say there
Me: I've had Santeria
Friend: LOL um sangria?
Me: Yeah that lol
Friend: I've had some gin and tonics
Me: It is raining like a mother ticket here
Friend: LOL Is that so?
Me: LOL Yes. I'm a hot mess gurl
Friend: I'm so lucky. I get to sit back and watch as you crash and burn
Me: Bc I am all Of this Hamilton
Friend: LOL I need to catch up to you
Me: Ah
Me: Ah
Me: Ah
Me: Ah
Me: Stayin' alive just came on
Friend: Oh yes, sing sweet nothings in my ear
Me: I was just informed that the words to that song are not "got some booty shakin' and everybody's baking and we're staying alive"
Friend: LOL is that how you've been singing it?

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Act III - Post-Drinks

Me: I just saw [ex-fiancee]. She looks old. It's nice that she hasn't aged well.
Cousin: Okay Giuseppe, let's use our inside voice.
Me: She's FORTY-TWO. Old as hell and looks like it.
Me: WTF was I thinking?!
Me: I don't wanna date forty twos.
Cousin: LOL. Well...then you may never date again because that's right up your alley.
Me: NO! I'ma date like...not forty twos.
Cousin: lol That's a big decision for you. Now go to bed.