Sin In The Camp

I had two spirited conversations the other day about the scandal surrounding a certain TV family whose name I will not use here. For those living under a rock, word broke yesterday that the oldest son of this family sexually molested four of his sisters, as well as one other girl back in the early 2000's. He was 14 at the time and the girls, presumably, were all younger than him, and all but one lived in the same house with him. Details about the aftermath of the molestation seem to be murky, depending on which site you read, but the police report is what I've formed my opinions off of. According to that, most of the incidents took place when the girls were asleep and woke up to find their brother touching them, at least two of them reported this to their parents and on both occasions, the parents sent the son away to do manual labor as a punishment. Both times, he returned to the house after "punishment" and continued living under the same roof as his victims, the family telling very few people about any of this. Of course, then the family gained reality TV fame and the oldest son married, moved out and became a cog in an organization that is extremely racist and anti-gay and preached that the gays were the ones after our children. I'm sure they all thought the story would stay buried, and maybe it would've if not for an anonymous email sent to Oprah in 2007 that disclosed what had happened and asked her to either confront them about it on the show, or not have them on at all. And Oprah did the right thing by alerting a child abuse hotline about the claims, scrapping the show and sending the family back to their hometown where authorities were waiting to interview all involved. The circulating police report, names and identifying info redacted, chronicles a number of interviews conducted in 2007 as a part of an investigation into what the police considered to be valid molestation claims. All of the victims, as well as the parents, another sibling and the predator were interviewed though, for reasons I don't quite understand (possibly the statute of limitations had run out), no charges were ever officially brought. Apparently the predator's parents lawyered him up and no further interviews were conducted. All of this came to light now because one of the victims, most likely the one not in the residence, asked the court to destroy the documents so that her name never surfaces.
When I read about these claims for the first time, I wasn't shocked about the molestation itself, but surprised his own sisters were his victims and that the parents essentially chose one son over the rest of the kids and chose to hide what had happened. How awful to have been victimized by your own brother, have to stay under the same roof with him for years afterward, and to have your own parents stand by him and chalk up the abuse to being a "teenage mistake". And you just know none of those poor girls received the proper counseling to deal with what happened to them because it's frowned upon for anyone in that cult (and that's what it is, by definition) to go outside the "faith" for any kind of help. Two of the four sisters are now married with children of their own and I can't imagine having to deal with this yet again while just starting your own family. They had to be relieved as hell to get out of that house. The abuser is also a father, one of his children a girl, and his wife claims she and her family knew of his past prior to the marriage. I'm not sure if I buy that or not, since her parents and his pretty much arranged the marriage and, "Hey, our son is a sexual predator" doesn't exactly make for a happy arrangement. Maybe she and her parents did know, in which case they're no better than his parents for aiding in the cover-up. Whether she knew or not, she's not going anywhere. She's pregnant with their fourth child, and she's fully immersed in the Kool-Aid that is their so-called religion. Keep in mind that he was 14 at the time of the molestation, while the girls ranged in age from 4 to 12. If these parents, who don't allow their children to even hold hands with a member of the opposite sex until they get engaged, had caught a kid making out or heavy petting with someone, they'd have gone ballistic. But sexually molesting your younger sisters? That's no big deal apparently.
The first convo I had about this was with a friend who played devil's advocate about how one person's experimentation is another's molestation. Going on the facts she'd read to that point, she was saying it's possible the predator was just a sexually repressed, horny kid who was experimenting with other sexually repressed, horny kids who happened to be family members. While I agreed that happens sometimes (and yes, that's still wrong too when it involves family members), I had to point out that this was not mutual experimentation since the girls were asleep at the time of some of the incidents. They did not have a chance to consent and if they recoiled or said no upon waking up and he continued, that is unwanted sexual contact and that's a crime. They were taken advantage of sexually, and that is a crime. The second convo I had involved someone who is a survivor of sexual abuse, the perpetrator being a family member who was never charged because the rest of the family did not believe the accusations (sick, I know). This person had every right to condemn this TV family for their inaction after hearing what their son was doing to their daughters, but they did not. Instead, this person laid out how they feel sorry for all of the kids involved because their parents failed them, and also that maybe the son hasn't done anything since those incidents and as such can be labeled as "reformed". I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing, but did not say a whole lot during the conversation. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and those opinions are certainly formed as a result of our own past experiences. I can't fault this person for their view of it, although I wholeheartedly disagree with it. They see it their way, for their own reasons, and I see it mine, and the rest of you see it in your own way, off of your own experiences. The problem is that a lot of people are either going off of just what the family said in their statements, or just off of the cliffnotes that the media is reporting.
I couldn't help but to read the police report in its entirety when this story broke. It wasn't because I found any of the accusations hard to believe, but because I was curious as to whether it was legit abuse or abuse solely in the eyes of a family who I already thought had some fucked up views. Having read the full report, I'm thoroughly disgusted and concerned for the well being of 18 of the 19 kids, the one I have little sympathy for being the perpetrator of the crimes. Even more disgusting is how religious folk, and just plain blind fans of the family are writing this off as no big deal because he supposedly repented and was forgiven by god eons ago. What the hell kind of reasoning is that? The reports tell us he never really appeared to be reprimanded for his actions. He was sent to do manual labor with a friend of the family and given a "stern talking to" by a family friend, who also turned out to be a damn pedophile! I'm sure he prayed like crazy for forgiveness though, so that's cool. Listen, these incidents happened over the course of at least a year and multiple times. He was 14, probably not yet out of puberty, but he was old enough to know better, if not the first time then definitely after that. He apologized and confessed, but he continued to do it. That is a pattern of behavior, and quite a scary one given that he was so brazen to do this in the family home and, at least once, in a common area and with someone outside of the family. All the apologies and manual labor in the world mean nothing if the behavior continues. Has he done this since that year? We'll never know for sure, but I find it hard to believe that he would just stop out of nowhere, especially since the initial abuse didn't come to the attention of the authorities until years later. Not getting caught is what allows any kind of abuser to continue doing wrong. I hope he has not done this to his daughter, and is watched like a hawk around her and their new daughter that is due in a few months.
So all of that to say, I think it's awful that so many people are placing their sympathy with the abuser. True, a lot of abusers become the way they are because they were victims as children, and that may well be the case for him. But there is also a choice to be made about all of this. Doing it one time, confessing because you feel awful and then never doing it again is a choice, as much as continuing to do it was a choice. The only sympathy I have for this person is that his parents failed him miserably. The parents then proceeded to choose him over their daughters, thus failing those girls. I've caught some episodes of this show over the years and always found their teaching to be odd. In my view, any "religion" that prevents people from doing something, like seeking counseling with someone not of their belief system, is a cult. When you're raising a mess of kids and teaching them their pubescent urges are wrong and that even holding hands with someone you like in that way could send you straight to hell, you're damaging them a whole hell of a lot. And you're not giving them the chance to come into their own belief system as they grow older, something that is vitally important for all of us as we reach adulthood. They robbed those kids of so much, all based on some misguided set of beliefs that apparently is full of shady people (more than just the deputy involved with the case have been accused sexual misconduct in some way). You are asking for trouble when you shelter your children that much, and you can pretty much chalk yourself up to being a failure as a parent when you decide to cover up one son's sins and sacrifice your daughters for the sake of your image. Of course, I feel the most sympathy for the girls who were victims. Sex crimes are among the worst things you can do to someone because it affects their lives in so many ways and can take a lifetime to try and move past. I'm sure they were already going to have issues dealing with sex, given their super sheltered upbringing, but something like past abuse makes that even more difficult. It's also gotta be terrible having literally the entire world know that you were molested, and by your older brother. I guarantee you they will be stuck with a bigger stigma than he will, which is ridiculous.
Here's a sad truth about this social media, reality TV world we live in - it's nearly a week since this story broke and TLC still has not made an official decision about the fate of the show. That's right, the network that immediately cancelled a show because an integral cog dated a pedophile who never even appeared on the show has yet to make a decision about this show where a cast member has admitted molesting his siblings, who are also cast members. A handful of advertisers have removed their ads from the show, and TLC has temporarily pulled it from the airwaves, claiming they do not yet know if they will continue filming. But let's face it, this family is their biggest cash cow and they're going to find a way to spin this and continue to milk it for all it's worth. And the sick part is that they know the girls, who are pretty much the face of the family now, are abuse victims who have likely never dealt with that abuse. TLC is knowingly using victims for profit. Even sicker is that they've likely been knowingly using them for profit for years now, I find it hard to believe Oprah's production company wouldn't have informed the network about the allegations back when they found out (TLC and OWN are owned by the same company). TLC had to have known about this before the news broke and circled the wagons accordingly. If TLC continues the show at all, whether it includes the offender and his family and the parents or not, I don't see how they spin it into anything good. Yes, there are a ton of Evangelical crazies who think this to be no big deal and will no doubt still tune in and drink the Kool-Aid every week. But the vast majority of reactions I've seen have been overwhelmingly negative; about the crimes, about the cover-up and about the idea of continuing the show in any form. How does one watch that show in the future and not feel...dirty, in a way. I couldn't do it. And I find my opinion of TLC quite low at the moment, to the point where I don't know that I'd watch it again if they decided to continue the show. And I watch a lot of random ish on TLC. But I can't support a network that would do this, or continue to do this. I hope the young ladies who were affected by this are offered the kind of counseling needed to move forward and heal.

These Are The Things I Can Do WIthout

I had an interesting conversation with my mom today about the way people allow others to treat them. There's an employee at my mother's job who drives her up the wall with incessant questions and a need for constant attention all day, everyday (and that's not an exaggeration at all). Recently, he received a pay raise that now puts him at a higher salary than her and her response to this was to tell him she cannot be his go to person for questions anymore. He needs to learn how to figure things out himself and earn his own paycheck. Has this stopped him from continuing to seek constant guidance? No. He still does and she still helps, even though she can't stand him. She does this because it's just the kind of person she is. Sometimes she has a hard time saying no to people or cutting them off when they've more than earned it (yet cutting people off for minor offenses came easy to her for a long time). This is where she and I differ considerably. I'm loyal to a fault, but if you give me a reason to cut you off, I guarantee you won't know what hit you. My BS limit goes for miles but once I'm done, I'm done. My mom made a comment today about how people treat you the way you let them and, both consciously and unconsciously, they pick up on what kind of treatment you will allow by seeing how you deal with their crap. Most people do this subconsciously, we file away how ish went down in the back of our minds and only revisit it when more ish goes down. But some people are fully aware of what the score is and often pull up the receipts of the past when it suits them.
An example of subconscious filing can, or at least should, be found in most of the people in your life, particularly the ones closest to you. You love and care about each other so obviously you've had fights in the past that you've moved on from. You remember what went down, or maybe you don't, but you most likely remember the resolution and ultimate outcome. An example of this in my life would be when Agent W and I have had past tiffs or gotten on each other's nerves. This very rarely happens, but it has in the past and almost every time we retreated to our separate corners and let some time pass before picking up and continuing on with our friendship. It could just be my bad memory, or it could be that I value the friendship more than I value being in the right, but I can't tell you what many of those disagreements were about. All I know is they gave the blueprint for how we handle it when ish hits the fan, and neither of us let it spiral into anything nasty. We both know somewhere in our twisted little brains lies the record of what went down and who was in the wrong, but we don't care. We both felt the other heard our personal view of what happened and that was what was important. I didn't realize how much I value the subconscious filers until a certain ex came along. In fact, I remember telling Agent W during one of my rants about the ex that I no longer knew where the boundaries were between the two of us, particularly when we fought. When I have a disagreement with anyone in my life, I know what lines not to cross and when I need to walk away, and I know what shouldn't come flying out of my mouth during the argument. I'm usually VERY good at censoring myself in the heat of the moment (not so much the other 99% of the time, ironically). But with her, it was no-holds barred, smackdown fights where we both said stupid ish we shouldn't have. And I felt bad about my part in it for a long time. Yeah, I refrained from being mean a lot longer than she did, but I should've never stooped to her level at all. And neither of us should've allowed such treatment from anyone in our lives. That situation was a nightmare of my own making in that I let her do all that ish to me. I let her treat me like dirt. I let myself get turned inside out by someone who took note of every little slight and saved it for the perfect moment, the moment when she could hurt me with it the most. And that's what a conscious filer does. She remembered everything I told her, good or bad, vulnerable or angry, and she threw it back at me when it furthered her cause.
For reasons we may not always understand, a lot of us continue to allow sub-par of flat out awful treatment towards us from one person or another. Maybe it's someone you're in love with, maybe it's a friend who can't get their ish together, maybe it's even a family member. But I've found most people have been involved in this kind of negative treatment loop with at least one person, at least once in their lifetime. And it can be a hard habit to break. Sometimes you just care too damn much to walk away. Other times, you just get used to it and you get too caught up in it that it doesn't even occur to you to slow it down and demand better treatment. And we should all be doing that, really. We should all demand the highest respect and best treatment from the people in our lives. Everyone has problems, but no one has the right to take their problems out on anybody else. Nor should any of us readily accept someone not treating us the way we deserve. But that's part of the problem, isn't it? We don't always have the best view of ourselves or the highest self-esteem. It's a vicious cycle sometimes. But as one ex so eloquently put it on Instagram today, "Happiness is a choice". I find that I'm the happiest when I have people in my life who treat me well. And those are the only people I will allow from now on.

Love, Something You Know Nothing Of

As ya'll know, I'm in for a penny and in for a pound on this "Arranged" show. It's amazing how you can see a situation from your past going on with other people. In this case, the oldest couple on the show are at odds over whether or not to have children. He's badgered her about getting some test to find out if they'll have any trouble conceiving and she refuses to take it, her view being it's not necessary since kids are not on the horizon. Over the next few months, every minor tiff turns into a major blowout and it's enough for the Mrs. to seek out the advice of a spiritual counselor. They go to a session and she talks about how her childhood was fairly traumatic because her parents were not always on great terms and it made her feel as if she were out there on her own. This is why she's super independent and has trouble allowing her husband to ever take the reigns or do anything for her. Next, the counselor had them stand facing one another and listen, before reciting back what the other person just said. She talks about her need for independence and space and he recites it back, not word for word but in his own words. But when when he talks about how she's too hard on him and too obsessive about things being a certain way, what she recites back is not at all what he actually said. She knows it, he knows it and the counselor points it out, saying the Mrs. needs to work on her listening skills. They have a laugh over it, then depart for dinner where they start talking more honestly than they have in the past. The counselor did her job, she got a conversation started and we'll see what that leads to down the line.
As I watched this part of the show with a few friends, they couldn't help but say, "Sound familiar?". Yes. Yes it does. In fact, that one little section of show could sum up my entire relationship with BP. Yes, she was mean and could be downright cruel when the spirit moved her to be, but above all I think she was just damaged. That's not an excuse for her behavior, mind you, but it does give a glimpse into its origins. BP was a planner to the max and had to have control over every little thing, which made her great at her job but terrible in personal relationships. When she fought, she went straight for the jugular and when she felt unsure about something, it was self-preservation about all. Her childhood forced her to have to grow up a lot quicker than any kid should, and she had to make adult decisions when she was not yet capable of doing so. She brought all of this into our relationship and, presumably, every relationship before and after ours. She lashed out and got nasty because it was what she'd witnessed growing up as the way to conduct herself in an argument. I didn't see a lot of arguing between my elders in my youth, so what I learned about fighting in a relationship is based on what I've seen and experienced in my high school and college years. Right there is a major difference in the way both of us fought. I don't get super defensive right away in a disagreement, nor do I lash out immediately. I listen, I take everything in, I ponder it all and then I respond. She got crazy defensive before I even really said much and reacted just as quickly, usually leading with anger. Everything was perceived as a slight and treated as such by her. And frankly, it was all so exhausting. Someone creating their own drama or rewriting everything you say to paint themselves as the victim really wears on you. I knew most of what came out of her mouth was crap, but that made it no less exhausting to deal with. And that's part of why I tagged out, because I grew tired of defending myself and all the drama wasn't cute or exciting, it was just annoying.
Fairly early on, BP and I had a lengthy discussion about love, specifically unconditional love. I was very honest about the fact that I love everyone in my life unconditionally and am very loyal, unless given a damn good reason not to be. I feel like she exploited this, as she did so many other things about my personality, and used it to guilt me into sticking around whenever ish got tough. I recall a fight we had within the first year where I mentioned taking a break and she said something like, "Fine. Walk away just like everyone else", as a reference to her fathers having left when she was young. I thought it was a low blow and took her to task for comparing me to anyone else in her life (this was back when I still gave a damn and bothered to defend myself). It was a glimpse into what was going on in her head and how I would always come out as being just another person waiting to bail on her. For a long time, I stuck around because I didn't want to be that person, and wanted to show her that not everyone is waiting on a reason to leave. But she never saw the point I was trying to make and instead took it to mean she could do whatever she wanted to me and I would still stay because, in her view, that's what unconditional love is. There were at least two occasions where she left for a few weeks and barely spoke to me, or avoided me altogether, only to come back and want to pick up where we left off and she was shocked when I wasn't as invested anymore. This prompted her to lose interest and go back to avoiding me again, and on and on it went. Being allowed to treat someone like crap and have them still adore you is not my definition of unconditional love, yet another area where we had a major difference of opinion.
The timing of "Arranged" having the episode they did is eerie because I discovered today that someone in a certain country has been perusing the blog of late. I rarely get hits from this particular country, in fact I've only ever gotten them when BP is there. Curious, huh? I've been bracing myself for some kind of half-assed contact from her, but have yet to hear anything, which is a good sign. I've gotten lured back into her drama so many times that I just don't even see myself responding to a damn thing she throws at me anymore. I doubt contact is forthcoming, but if it is, I will have zero to say. It's funny though...BP used to be a frequent reader here. She would read my posts everyday and sometimes that was a problem because she'd use things she read here against me, or she'd take something I wrote the wrong way and start a fight over it. She never said anything about the positive posts I wrote about her, though I know she read them frequently. Towards the end, when she was leading with avoidance, she still read here everyday. On those rare occasions when she spoke to me, she'd occasionally bring up a recent post about an event in my life, or something I was thinking about. I used to find that so insulting and so unfair. You can't be bothered to speak to me for days, or weeks, on end but you can read about my life on a daily basis? How does that work exactly? I was completely in the dark about what was going on in her life, but she was still able to see a fair amount of what was going on in mine. Because of that, the blog went to invited readers only a few times and, I thought, I'd shaken BP altogether because of that. But evidently not. Frankly, I don't care if she reads here or not anymore. I'm guessing it's checking in to see if I've moved on, if I'm dating anyone and gauge my overall quality of life without her. And perhaps she wants to see if I still write about her and what it is I'm saying. Since I'm sure that's at least a part of it, I will likely refrain from writing about her again anytime soon. I don't have a ton to say about ish anyway, it's so far back in the rearview for me. I'm happy, things are good, and I need to focus on all of that and not on the bad stuff that led me to appreciate the good. Thanks for stopping by, BP.

The Calls Are Coming From Inside The House *heavy breathing*

Me: I'm thinking I might get this phone case.
G: ...Doesn't Gio have that same case?
Me: Yeah.
G: lol Ok.
Me: What?
G: Nothing. You're just giving off some mad Single White Female vibes right now.
Me: LOL. Shut up.
G: Does Gio have a puppy, by chance?
Me: Again, shut up.
G: Well at least we know you won't attempt to sleep with his girlfriend, since you've literally already been there and done that.
Me: lol The more likely scenario is sleeping with Gio and posing as MOC, then convincing Gio to buy me a puppy. And the phone case.
G: LOL. "Dear Gio, hey man, you gotta stallllker!"
Me: LOL Nothing like working "Happy Feet" into a conversation about crazy chicks.

G: Psssh, I'll take it even further and put you outside Gio's window holding a stereo and proclaiming your love. No idea what song you'd be playing though lol.

Me: "I don't want anybody else, when I think about you, I touch myself", whilst I do hand gestures and the spoken word part from the end.

G: LMAO. Please be that for Halloween, whether Gio has a restraining order against you by then or not.

Me: LOL. Done.

Do You Sleep, Do You Dream Me Anymore

I'm not one to remember a lot of my dreams. I don't think I have the brain capacity to retain that kind of information and all the other useless information that's in there. But every now and then, a dream comes along that just gets stuck in there and won't let go. A few years ago, it was a dream about the Apocalypse that stuck in my craw and recurred a couple of times. It bothered me so much that I actually blogged about it and how I could feel the flames of this meteor or whatever it was on my skin. Then, there was that dream I had where I died and was hovering above everything and annoyed at myself for...well, letting myself die. That one was freaky and shook me for a bit. My latest recurring dream is...odd. It's sticking in my craw because it's odd, not because it's scary or provokes any kind of strong emotion. I just don't know what it means and that's what's working my nerves.
This whole thing began a few weeks ago when I woke up remembering pieces of a dream involving a house I've never been in and a number of boxes packed in that house, almost as if someone were preparing to move. The house was at least two stories and cramped, not a whole lot of space even if it hadn't been full of boxes. In the first dream, no one else was there, it was just me walking through this house and confused about where I was. I didn't think much of it after I woke up. It was one of those, "Meh, that was weird" kinda things and I went on about life. A few days ago, I felt extremely rundown, which never happens to me. Yesterday was better, though I still felt off in some way. I was unable to go to bed early because of a work commitment and MOC took Miss N for the night so I could sleep in today and hopefully shake off whatever was ailing me. I woke up at 7, but quickly fell back asleep and that's when this latest dream hit me. It was the same house, this dream beginning as the last one had with me wandering around. But this time there were a few people sitting around the house, people I did not recognize. Oddly, one thing I did recognize in the first room was the entertainment center that is in my own living room, which was random. I walk through the house, but no one talks to me and I don't attempt to talk to any of them. Suddenly, I'm in what looks like the hallway of a public building or something along those lines and an acquaintance of mine is pulling a wagon (not a kid's wagon, but the kind you'd use for gardening) with a small dog in it, which I thought was weird because she has a big dog. She also looked...different. She's a blonde, small chick in real life, but here she had hair that was curly and dyed purple and bluish in some parts. My initial thought was that she looked hot (it worked for her), but before I completed the thought she gestured to me and told me that one of my better exes, R, was moving to Los Angeles. I remember feeling alarmed by this for whatever reason and wanted to get in touch with her but didn't have her number anymore. I decided to email and asked why she was moving and then, on the front steps of this building, I saw a chick who used to be her BFF eons ago, back when we dated, and asked if R was really moving and why. She didn't answer. In fact, she was almost like in a zombie state, walking straight ahead and not even looking up towards me. And then I woke up.
I have no idea what any part of this dream means, or why it's started to recur. And of all exes, why R? Don't get me wrong, she's awesome and was better to me than I deserved, but it's not like there's any chance of anything between us now. She's happily married with two little ones, and we haven't spoken in months. I have no idea why she'd be in my subconscious. Also, the acquaintance in the dream is one I haven't spoken to in quite sometime, so I don't know how she factors in either. Like what the hell, subconscious? What are your demands, what is the point of this, what am I supposed to do with this information? I'm not gonna contact either of these people, and I wouldn't know what to say even if I did. I know for a fact that R is not moving Stateside anytime soon and suspect the L.A. aspect had to do with us spending a fair amount of our relationship there. I suppose the house could symbolize my occasional desire to move to a house, and the packing could have to do with that or could be something having to do with baggage. No clue what the people not talking to me means. It's all very odd and it irks me when I can't figure something out. Hopefully it doesn't recur again.

Lez Do It

Y: I need you to be my date to this wedding.
Me: ...What wedding?
Y: [High school friend] is getting married and I RSVP'd for two. You're up, homie.
Me: She's getting married?
Y: Yes, to Regina.
Me:...That's a girl's name...
Y: She's marrying a girl. They're lesbians. Try and keep up, sweetie.
Me: What?? She's a lesbian? When did that happen?
Y: LOL. I'm guessing at birth. And I told you she was like three or four years ago, after she came out. Thanks for listening when I speak lol.
Me: lol Listening is hard. And so is attending a lesbian wedding, I'm not going.
Y: Oh yes you are! I'm not gonna go stag to a lesbian wedding. Look at me, I'm fucking hot and I'll get attacked.
Me: LOL. Ok, let's get one thing straight - ain't no lesbian high enough, ain't no lesbian low enough to try and get with you.
Y: LMAO! I knew that'd provoke a good reply but you did so much better than expected by workin' The Supremes in there. I don't know how you rewrite lyrics so quickly but I am your biggest groupie.
Me: lol It really is a gift. Still not going though.
Y: Did I mention there will be some quality, confirmed bi-sexual ladies at this shindig?
Me: ...Well, one lesbian wedding can't hurt.

Arranged & Confused

As you may recall, my friend A is a whore for all things reality TV, regardless of whose reality the show is covering. Because of her, I have been hooked on such shows as, "Virgin Tales", "Strange Sex" and, one shameful summer, one of the "Real Housewives" franchises. I'm torn because I find these shows both fascinating and horrifying. Fascinating because it's always interesting to see how other people live and horrifying because I'm watching them, and because this is what television has come to. Her latest addiction is on the FYI network and is called, "Arranged" and it follows three couples who are entering into some form of arranged marriage. I didn't expect to like the show, this is the same network that gives us the weekly trainwreck that is, "Marriage At First Sight" after all, but it's been very interesting so far.
Couple number one is the youngest and most arranged couple of them all. Christian and Maria are Romani Gypsies whose parents have arranged their marriage. They're also teenagers, he's 18 and she's 17 and still wearing braces. Christian's parents are hilarious; married for twenty years with three sons and very open about their culture and how the traditions of that culture play out. They admit that there was a dowry involved and that Maria is expected to move in with the family and become the main homemaker and do as her husband says. But they're also both quick to scold Christian when he refuses to compliment his wife or is just plain mean to her, which is more often than not. These two are an old school arranged marriage in that they've seen each other only once and have never spent any actual time together until the day they get married. Christian belittles her and gets on her for EVERYTHING post-wedding; how she folds clothes, how she makes meatloaf, and even tells her that he'd spend more time with her if she weren't so boring. Maria never smiles throughout the first five episodes of the show. Not once. And Christian never smiles when referring to her, but often expresses trepidation at spending his life with someone he doesn't even know. At first, I thought he was just an ass and wondered where he got it from since his parents seem so nice and like they have such a good (also arranged) marriage. But now I think he's just young and doesn't know how to be an adult yet, let alone a husband. Maria tells the camera that as a Gypsy woman, you know you'll grow up to be a young wife and mother and homemaker and that's pretty much all you get out of life. While I understand that it is their culture, it's quite sad that girls are told that. Christian and Maria's wedding is big and extravagant, but the marriage itself is off to a rocky start.
Couple number two, I just don't understand at all. Meghan, 24, and Josh, 26, are Southerners who are on the show because...well, that I'm not sure of. Initially, I missed the first episode of the show that introduced the couples and their backstories, but now that I've seen it I still couldn't tell you why they qualify to be on a show about arranged marriage. Their story was vague but sounded as if Meghan's mom met Josh at church, introduced him to her daughter and then they began dating after he met the family and they gave their approval. There was no, "This is who you'll marry" declaration by the parents, no religious reason they were to be hooked up with one another. It was a setup by her mom that is somehow being pitched as an "arranged" marriage. It's odd. Anyway, their problem stems from two things - money and mom, his mom to be precise. Josh is in med school and wants to go into radiology, but he has a good six or seven years of residency ahead of him before he starts making any decent money and they're not yet sure of which hospital he will do that residency at. So for now, they live in a condo with Josh's brother, the rent being paid his fairly well off father. Josh's parents are paying for almost everything in his life, but have made it clear he will be cut off the day he graduates from college, which is just around the corner. Meghan's parents are also financing her life, as well as the wedding that she spend close to $50,000 on, going well over the agreed upon budget of $40,000. Daddy pays the overage charges too, but Josh is less pleased with Meghan's inability to control her own finances. She talks of wanting a big Southern house and four kids and money for clothes and shows and handbags, but seems not to grasp the reality of Josh only making around $24,000 a year once his residency starts. He tells her often that all the things she wants are at least six years in the future, but she doesn't care and charges ahead with making an ovulation chart so they can start trying to have a baby. Further complicating matters is Josh's overbearing, spotlight hogging mother who disapproves of Meghan not wanting be a happy homemaker or dance the Charleston at her wedding. When the couple opt for a slow dance to a country song as their first dance, mom decides to one up the bride by doing some big choreographed routine for the mother/son dance. The bride is furious and when she confronts the groom, all he has to say is it's a battle between his wife and his mom and of course mom is going to win, which should be the only giant red flag Meghan needs to bounce. But she doesn't. She throws on her best pageant girl smile and charges ahead with the marriage as they wait to hear where Josh will do his residency.
At 33 and 34, Ragini and Veeral are the oldest of the arranged couples, engaged to be married in a traditional Indian ceremony. Veeral is another mama's boy who is coddled over by both his mom and sister, who had veto power when it came to his future wife. Ragini is a career-minded woman who's family is a bit more modern than Veeral's traditional clan, who think she needs to learn how to cook and bear him a child ASAP. The pair have been living together, although in separate bedrooms, to save on living expenses and probably know each other better than any of the other couples. And yet, they still don't seem to know each other's intentions or future plans all that well. Ragini has no interest in becoming a domestic goddess and often confesses her doubts about getting married, questioning whether or not she'll make a good wife. Veeral wanted a wedding with 500 to 700 guests (I don't even know 500 people), while she wanted no more than 250. Veeral's mother and sister throw his future wife a bridal shower that consists of cooking classes, not exactly the last hurrah Ragini is looking for. Veeral's mother also purchases two necklaces and earrings for Ragini to wear to the wedding reception, but both necklaces on at the same time is too much for her so she only wears one, drawing an immediate, "Where's the other necklace I gave you?" comment from mom (and a dirty look from the sister) the minute she walks into her own wedding reception. Just weeks after the wedding, Veeral and his family are on Ragini to start a family and the issue quickly becomes a major one between the couple. Veeral reminds her every chance he gets that she vowed she "bear 1 to 9 children" for him during the course of their marriage, and he now feels she's reneging on the deal. He sets up an appointment for her with a doctor to have a blood test done that will tell them if there's anything that will prevent her from getting pregnant, but Ragini declines to have the test, saying she knows the perils of pregnancy over 35 and will cross that bridge when she's ready to and not a moment sooner. After Veeral's incessant chatter about babies, she throws out something to the effect of maybe she doesn't want that down the line. He tells her she needs to make a decision because if she doesn't want children, he will move on. I can't help but wonder if she went into this whole thing thinking maybe he'd be down to wait a few years for kids and by then she's in her late-30's and can only have one or two, or skip kids altogether and not have to deal with it.
You would think a show about arranged marriages would be cold and hard to watch, and at times this one can be, but for the most part it breaks down some stereotypes about the practice. It also shows that arranged marriages are still alive and well, even in the U.S. And while I enjoy watching the show, I can't imagine being any of these people. I haven't felt compelled to marry anyone that I do know, nevermind committing the rest of my life to a total stranger. I don't knock the practice of arranging marriages because every culture has their traditions, but I'm glad I'm not from a background that's into all that. So much goes into even just a committed relationship; chemistry, compatibility in personality and sexual compatibility and dedication and similar views and values and wants for the future. All of these couples are more freaked about the future than a normal newlywed, and the added pressure that they're in a marriage they cannot get out of. No one should go into a marriage believing they always have the out of divorce if it doesn't work, obviously (though WAY too many people DO do that nowadays), but it has to be a different kind of pressure to know that this is it, this is your partner for life whether you love them or not. The Gypsy family say you "grow to love" the person you're arranged with, and perhaps you do. But that can't be the case for every single couple. And that's sad to think about, that a number of them will live the rest of their days with a person they're 'meh' about.

There Are No Surprises When Nothing Is Expected, If You Offer Nothing Then Everyone Accepts

I had an unexpected long talk with my brother last night, just a week after writing about how similar he was to BP. At first, I thought he was taking another page out of her script in luring me back in before going off the rails again. But this conversation felt very different from our previous ones. For those of you not familiar with the story, my brother never really wanted to be a husband or a father and never fully applied himself to either. When our father passed away some years ago, he took that as a reason to completely let his life go to hell and began acting out in many ways. He often liked to point out that I'd done the same in my twenties after a highly stressful and painful loss in my life, but I was quick to remind him that I was a single dude hurting only myself with my issues (mostly just myself, anyway), while he was married with kids and didn't have the right to do any of his acting out at that time in his life. Nothing anyone said stopped him and he continued to do as he pleased up until about a year and a half ago when my sister-in-law filed for divorce and he claimed to have seen the light. They reconciled and things were decent for awhile, until he got up to his old tricks again. This time, she didn't bother to fire a single warning shot and instead filed for divorce and full custody outright. It had no effect. He blamed everybody but himself for the state of things and had been largely absent from the family, until last weekend when he made a point of celebrating Mother's Day with the rest of us. Things went surprisingly well and he's texted me a few times since but it's been a busy week and I haven't made the effort to respond. He knew where I stood on things, so he wasn't exactly surprised by my lack of communication. When he asked to have an honest convo, I was skeptical but agreed.
I was more than a little surprised when the first thing my brother asked me about was BP. He occasionally dips in and out of reading here, but apparently he did see that last post about him and it caused him to go back through everything tagged for BP so he could compare behavior. He wasn't pleased with what he concluded. He asked me what the worst part of the BP debacle was and two things immediately came to mind. I never felt safe in that relationship, not the way you should when you're in love with someone and you trust each other and know you'll be there for one another. She preached partnership, but we both often chose to go it alone. Why she chose that, I don't know, but for me it was the only choice I had since she was often MIA when I needed something. That part sucked. But even worse was, as I put it to him, when you know you would bring down the stars for a person and they can't even be bothered to look up at the sky. I seriously cared about that girl and wanted to be there for her, but she just either didn't know how to handle that or didn't see it as being anything special so she chose to be mean. And that feeling of being willing to do so much while the person you care about ignores you for sport is the worst. I told my brother all of this, and added that his estranged wife probably felt the same way for much longer than I did. She's adored him from minute one, and for the last twenty years. And much like I did with BP, the sister-in-law realized he had nothing more he was willing to offer her or their family and that was when she chose to bounce.
While BP and I were in the final throes of our demise, she would dip in and out and dangle that reconciliation carrot before inevitably getting bored or annoyed at my lack of open arms and then ignoring me some more. She once asked me what I wanted, what my expectations were of her and the relationships and by then I'd reached the point of no return in terms of my apathy towards the situation. We'd gone days, maybe even a few weeks without speaking and she was traveling for work and about to head home. She contacted me out of the blue and I asked what she wanted and she threw the question back to me. I told her I wanted things to be the way they were when I thought she was great and when we got along and when I believed she actually liked me as a human being, but that I expected nothing of her. I didn't expect her 'come to Jesus' moments to last longer than a few hours, if that, and I certainly didn't expect some magical thing to happen where she started to apply herself to the relationship. I made it a point to say I wasn't angry, I wasn't hurt, I wasn't even really all that sad, I just could not have lower expectations of her and nothing she came at me with, good or bad, would surprise me, so I was going to let the chips fall where they may. That pissed her off and she tried to make me the villain for being "cold and uncaring", which was comical given that was all I'd gotten from her for months. But I didn't fight with her. I've always been very slow to anger, but with her I became very quick to anger and, toward the end, started to go straight for the jugular like she always did. On this occasion, I never did let myself get to anger. People fight for what they believe is worth fighting for and I'd realize she wasn't worth the battle anymore. My blood pressure, my anemia pain incidents were all much higher and more frequent during our time together than they've been since it ended, and that's what's most telling to me. When dealing with broken people, you eventually hit your limit and decide that you better start looking out for you because they sure as hell don't want the job. And that's what happened with my sister-in-law - she gave up the fight once she decided it wasn't worth it.
Surprisingly, my brother is aware of certain things that have happened since the divorce papers were filed and he says he's fine with them. There was this calm about him, not like a suicidal calm or anything dire like that, but more of him realizing that yeah, he made a mess of a good thing but it's better to move on than to keep beating the same dead horse. He says he's not going to contest the divorce or custody and he would like to try and build good relationships with the kids, which he knows will be a slow process. He sounded very sincere, more like himself than he has in a very long time. My brother and I have never been super close, but we did used to have a good relationship. I hope he does stick with getting his life together and being there for the kids though. That's the one thing that really needs to happen for all involved. And I'm glad he's wise enough to let go of the marriage, something that can't be easy when you've been with someone for 20 years. This was a good talk for us to have.

Cheaters

Raise your hand if you remember that time when Tiger Woods' gorgeous wife took a golf club to his Cadillac and chased him out the house and knocked his face in after finding out he was sexting with another woman? Yeah, me too. And we all remember what happened next, right? How the dominoes, who in this case were women, began to fall and spill every dirty little secret about him and their liaisons? Then, of course, came the ridiculously expensive divorce where his still-gorgeous now ex-wife rewrote the prenup and took a mofo amount of money, as well as the kids on her way out the door. So what's a once-beloved and now loathed golfer to do after all that drama? Date another blonde and court more controversy, of course. Lindsay Vonn was a huge story in my hometown during the Olympics as she trained there and was a resident for some years. I was visiting family when the story broke about her and El Tigre being a couple and there was not a person in the room I was in who didn't think the girl was barking up the wrong...well, tiger. One of my aunts actually called it by saying she hoped he wouldn't cheat on this one because she's an athlete and would probably swing for distance if she ever got a hold of a golf club herself. Well, when you're right, you're right.

In a week full of sports-related stories - the Brady suspension, the latest lawsuit the NHL will face, the final game of this round of the NHL playoffs - it is Tiger who comes from behind (see what I did there) and makes headlines of his own, and again for his personal life and not his golfing ability. I remember reading the occasional story during the first controversy in which his "friends" tried to justify his multiple affairs with strippers and call girls and anything female that moved. Their reasoning was that Tiger's father had been a serial cheater and only got worse once he had money and more access to more women, so of course his son was the same way. My initial thought was that it's crap thinking. My father knocked chicks up and then walked away, but you don't see me doing the same damn thing. Yes, children learn what they live, but they also grow up and become adults who are free to make their own life choices. Tiger continuing to live the single life with a wife and two little ones at home was not a result of his father's actions, it was a conscious choice to cheat every single time he did it. For every Tiger Woods who follows in daddy's adulterous footsteps, there is someone who witnessed the same behavior as a child and decided to go in the opposite direction as an adult. In my opinion, there is no defense for doing what he did to not only his wife, but his children. If he wanted to be single and bang prostitutes and spend his money in that way, he should've never gotten married and had a family, another choice he made for himself.

I was hardly surprised to read today that El Tigre and Vonn broke up because of his infidelity. Who didn't see that coming? I'm sure there were numerous people in her ear from the start telling her, pardon the pun, a leopard doesn't change its spots. I don't always believe, 'once a cheater, always a cheater', but in his case, cheating on such a massive scale with such reckless abandon, it more than applies. "Sex addict" or just plain whore, he will never be faithful to a woman, it's probably not even in his vocabulary. He may be for awhile, but not for the long haul. The way the article I read about this was written, we were all supposed to feel sorry for Tiger. See, rather than risk his chick finding out about his unfaithfulness the way his wife did, he instead chose to come clean to her about it while in a counseling session. And she bounced. Just. Like. That. And we're supposed to feel bad for him because he was apparently such a boy scout in telling her straight up what had happened. Ha. As if his only two options in life are to cheat and get caught or cheat and confess. You know the best way to avoid that awkward moment of getting caught or confessing? Don't cheat! I have no sympathy for someone who can't get their shit together, and especially when they don't seem to grasp how their actions hurt others. You think those kids aren't gonna read all of this someday? They're the ones I have sympathy for. But wait, this time there were more "friends" coming out to defend him with, "You have to understand, while it's not right, it's not really wrong either. Tiger isn't married. He doesn't really drink or do drugs. So what else does he have when he can't afford to lose again? He's allowed to find some relief.". I literally had to read that statement twice because I didn't comprehend it the first time. Who the hell thinks like that?? If that's his inner circle, no wonder he can't keep it in his pants, everyone around him is justifying the behavior. Married or not, when you make a commitment to someone and enter into a relationship, that means other people are off-limits (unless otherwise stated, obviously). It is actually wrong, regardless of whether there's a ring on either finger. You had a bad day at the golf course? Go home or to your hotel room or wherever and talk to the person you supposedly love. You don't get to cheat just because you don't drink or do drugs. Your career sucks because your true colors showed and karma is kicking your philandering ass right where it hurts - golf, the second most important thing in your life. Because I have no doubt that the most important thing is himself. And nothing will ever take precedence over that narcissism. I'm glad both of these women got out when they realized that themselves.

This Has Gotta Be The Good Life, This Could Really Be A Good Life

A friend said something the other day that struck me. We were talking about the situation with the pregnant ex and both in agreement that she deserves so much better than being ditched by the father of the baby. She's one of the strongest women I've ever known, but also one of the greatest and if anyone deserves a happy ending, it's her. The friend said that she hopes the ex finds peace and settles in once the baby is born, and alluded to my life as an example of what she wishes for the ex. I'm not in a traditional family situation, but I have a life I love and for that I am very grateful. And sometimes I don't think I appreciate any of that enough. Yeah, there was major drama between MOC and I, but look at us now. We're friends, not just friendly because we have to co-parent, but actual friends. That's awesome. We adore Miss N and we want nothing more out of life than to do right by her, and so far, so good. I have a career I love. I have friends and family who are ridiculous in so many good ways. I have my health (on most days anyway). And I've officially purged the negative people from my life for good. If you'd told me a decade ago that this is where I'd end up someday, I'd have called you a damn liar because this life would've been more than I could ever have dreamed of. Content in my faith and my family and seeking contentment in the rest of my life...to even be here and have a chance to do that is a blessing. Instead of wondering why I'm still here, I realize how lucky I am and am actively trying to better myself everyday. It's like it hadn't occurred to me how good I have it until the friend pointed it out.
Today, my sister said something to the same effect of how she's happy I've found a good place to land and, like all of women in my life, wondered when I'd find a chick to share it all with. Her reasoning being that I'm just one good woman short of "having it all", in a sense. I'm sure it's not a life that a lot of people would want, it's definitely not what many would consider ideal, but it's perfect for me. My answer to her was that you never what's around the next corner, but that I feel pretty damn lucky as it is. Our convo got me thinking about the last couple years and what they have entailed. We go through so many different versions of ourselves in life and I've can safely say I've been through about a half dozen versions of me in the last 15 years alone. They haven't all been good versions, but I have evolved and that's a really difficult thing for a lot of people to do. Right now, I am probably the best version of myself that I've ever been (not that it takes much to improve upon Dark Ages me). But nothing gold can stay, right? Eventually a new version will take hold and I can only do my best to make sure it's an even better one. I'm very thankful that this version had the sense not to get into another relationship when I knew I had no business being in one after you know who. It seems like that was the M.O. in my twenties, to take out the transgressions of the last person, or my own transgressions, out on whoever came next. But post-BP, I didn't even consider doing that. I finally knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of dating someone so broken and I couldn't turn around and do that to another person. However, now a year and change removed from all of her drama, I'm ready for whatever, and whoever, comes next. And it will happen when it's meant to.

I Keep Waiting For Something To Give, But That Something Is Always Me

I'm tired. Of dealing with broken people who don't have the sense to even attempt to pick up their own pieces, yet inexplicably expect someone else to want to do that for them. In the past week, I've dealt with BP and my brother and realized just how similar they are. They both bitch and moan about the state of their lives, about how woe is them and they want to change things. And they both have about 5 minutes worth of resolve when it comes to actually making changes. They can both turn on you and be mean on a dime, and for no reason at all sometimes. And they both exploit my feelings for them in order to get what they want. I put up with it from my brother because...well, he's my brother. I used to put up with BP because I cared about her very much and I knew she needed at least one decent person in her life to balance out the maze of misguided family members and fairweather friends. I was loyal to both of these people long after I had any reason to be. I continued to be loyal to BP even after we ended, but tossed that out the window when she kept trying to weasel her way back into my life, only to hurt me again. So, yeah, I'm tired. And I've come to come decisions.
Before we get to these decisions, let me tell ya'll a story about a young lad named DMC. He's been on the blog before, in both good posts and in all of his bastardly glory. DMC is my cousin, and he's almost exactly a month older than me. Our relationship has always been rocky and has run the gamut from being super close to being strangers. He often dd not approve of how I chose to live my life and would cast me out because of it. But rarely were these slights super painful or offensive because I just got used to that being the nature of our relationship. That is, until a few years ago when things got very ugly between us. DMC was engaged to a woman who's a friend of mine and he was rushing her down the aisle. Having come out of a bad marriage, she was reluctant to enter another marriage unless both people had only the best of intentions going in. She knew he could be a dick when he wanted to, but had not witnessed him at his worst until the wedding day. He and I were at war and she overheard him yell some terrible things and basically left him at the altar. His behavior reminded her of her first husband and she threatened to sever all ties if he didn't get his ass into counseling. It took less than a week of being broken up for him to wise up and comply. He found therapy to be an unexpectedly good outlet for his feelings, so much so that he still attends it today. They slowly worked into a relationship again and married last year. The wedding coincided with he and I patching up our own relationship, something I'd ended after the incident at the first wedding. I agonized over it because he's family and you shouldn't just cut ties with family. But ultimately, I decided I had to get him out of my life because he was a form of poison at that time. Seeing as how I'd already picked BP as my poison, something else had to give. It's hard to tell what kind of impact cutting him out really had since BP continued to fuck me over time and again, but I was glad we could fix things between us. I think the estrangement was harder on the family than it was on us because they realized how awkward it was to plan things when we couldn't stand each other. We're not crazy close and probably never will be again, but we are friends and get along quite well now. He doesn't judge me for stupid ish and I don't get hurt on a regular basis because of his judgments.
I'm a fan of people who want to better themselves and take action to actually do so, as DMC did and as Agent W is currently doing. A running joke between the two of us is that I went to college for four years and emerged with a fake degree, while she's been in college for literally eons pursuing a real degree. There have been many bumps in the road, but she's finally headed down the yellow brick road that has a degree dangling at the end of it. And I'm very proud of her for staying committed to finishing school, no matter how long it takes and no matter what has gotten in the way of it in the past. Most people would've tossed their hands up and moved onto something else the first, maybe the second time that life got in the way of school. But she did not do that, and that makes me so happy for her. She deserves to make this last year of school her bitch and get on out there in the world to start helping people (though it'll be scary as hell when she actually gets a license to help those poor suckers). The upside of her extended stay in college is that she's had allllll these years to analyze and study me, like some animal in a zoo who's decisions you just never quite comprehend. Someday, it's gonna be my head mounted above the fireplace in her swanky office. The moral of these stories? A person who actually wants to change, be it their life or their circumstances, will take the necessary steps to do so. Change is not easy, sometimes it can be a bitch, but when it needs to happen, you have to be willing to do your part. 

When BP and I got together, she said one of her best qualities was that she was always changing and improving herself. I find this to be an attractive trait - in people who actually possess this trait. She did not, but inexplicably believed she was always getting better. I never saw any changes, at least no positive ones. She was very susceptible to what others thought; of her, of her relationships, of her decisions, and she reacted accordingly. She couldn't text me when she was out with friends because they didn't like me. She couldn't say no to going out with them because she'd either have to tell them it was because she was with me (and, again, they didn't like me), or if she gave them no reason at all, they would bang down her door and demand answers. Her client cursed like a sailor and smoked, so she took up full-time smoking and cursing too. Negative changes were no big thing to her, but positive ones were never achieved. I also think part of the reason we fell apart was because I am one to actually follow through with making positive changes in my own life and many of those changes led me further away from her. I don't know if she was upset about that or jealous about the fact that I stuck to what I wanted to change, but either way it didn't help matters between us. And it always irked the hell out of me how she bitched about shit that was her own fault and expected me to just jump on board with it. When she was low on money, she'd whine about how she wasn't eating much, or was eating only the same cheap meal everyday because she couldn't afford anything else. Two hours later, I'd get a text that she was out for drinks with friends. Or she'd complain about how she had no money in the bank and then go and max out a store credit card just because they'd raised her credit limit. The next day, she'd be back to complaining about having no money and I'd just smile and nod through it all. It wasn't my job to police her spending, and maybe my view of it was different because I'm a parent and don't blow money on stupid ish because of that, but I certainly wasn't going to agree with her on anything money-wise. BP liked to claim change was on the horizon, but it never got any closer than that. And at this point, she's like the villain in a horror movie that keeps resurrecting itself long after you think it can. She still seems to think she can run to me when the world gets loud, and I have no idea why that is. I heard from her this week and, in typical fashion, she bailed midway through the conversation and left me hanging. I don't know why, maybe it's having recently celebrated a birthday, but something in me snapped and decided I don't have time for her BS anymore. I shot off an angry few messages, then filtered her emails to go to the trash and blocked her number altogether. I've done all this before, but I swear to ya'll, she has some sort of sixth sense that tells her when I stop blocking her messages. Usually, I remove the block because I need it for another number, or because I feel enough time has passed that she wouldn't dare reach out again. But this time that block is for good. I cannot have someone like her in my life, not in any way, shape or form. I'm not mad at her, I don't hate her, I don't wish anything negative on her. But I'm just done. In a way that I don't think I've ever been before. I'm not going to allow her to occupy anymore of my (limited) brain power. I want something positive, with someone who actually cares about me and loves me, not something full of emptiness, in every meaning of the word.  I do wish her luck, though. She's gonna need it.
As for my brother...I don't know what to do there. Every other week, I get suckered into believing he's turned a corner when it comes to handling his divorce and being an actual father to his kids. It's not that I believe it at all, but that I want it to be true. I adore those kids and my place in their life, and I recognize that it's worked out the way it has because he took himself out of the equation, but I'd love nothing more than for him to see the light and actually be a damn father. As it stands, he's no better than our own father. While I've had and continue to have wonderful father figures in my life, I don't know what it's like to have a dad. But I do know that never knowing what it's like to have a dad has worked out way better for me than having one who was often absent or apathetic about his feelings towards me ever would have. That crap is so damaging to kids, and well into adulthood. Even before I was a parent myself, even at 19 years old when Miss R was born, I recognized what a privilege and a blessing it is to be a parent. I recognized that kids come first when you choose to be a parent. But that''s the thing, isn't it? Anyone can become a parent, but one has to actually step up to the plate and choose to be a mom or a dad, rather than a birth mother or father. A dad plays with his kids and loves them and lets them know how important they are. A father is glorified sperm donor. And I'm so over falling for his crap about how he loves his wife and kids. If that were true, I wouldn't be writing this at all. And it annoys me that I even have to. He can clean up his own messes from now on, I'm done with that. I need people like DMC and Agent W in my life, people who are committed to bettering themselves and others. I don't need people like my brother and BP.

I Think About You All The Time, But I Don't Need The Same

Why is it so hard to stop thinking about people who aren't good for you? I remember being "done" with BP so many times and telling her, and myself, that was the last text I'd ever send her, or the last fight I'd ever engage in with her. But I could never stick to that promise. We'd fall out and stop speaking for a few hours or days and then that familiar feeling would creep in. I'd start obsessing over whether we were really over, and then I'd wonder if I should reach out or wait it out. I'd set a deadline, telling myself if I didn't hear from her by such and such time, that I'd be the one to break the silence. I'd think about her and the issue we were fighting about constantly. And then I'd cave. It was awful. And eventually, she caught onto this pattern so she never made any effort to fix shit herself, she'd just wait for me to crawl back. In hindsight, I think most of it was habit on my part. Looking back, especially the last year or so, I didn't follow this pattern because I truly missed her or because  I wanted her back. It'd just become the norm, so I played my part in the neverending script. But once I stepped outside of it, stopped playing my assigned role, I got wise. When she went off the rails and claimed to be too busy for me, I let her go and be busy. When we fought and it got nasty, I went to my corner and she went to hers and I had no qualms about it possibly being the real end. Sometimes she cared about this, but most time she didn't. She'd claim to be thinking about me all the time and throw out her pitch about how I was this great love in her life, but it wasn't really like that. I stopped falling for it though, and I never looked back after that. But even after the split, I found myself with unresolved feelings and I wasn't sure why. A friend suggested that the reason for those feelings was because we'd had no final resolution and that bothered me immensely. I decided to write a letter to her with everything I had to say; about our past, and our fights and our end. The objective was to find some resolution on my own, since she had no interest in doing so. In the process, I discovered that it wasn't just the lack of resolution that had irked me, it was also that I couldn't comprehend how anyone could be so cold and let go of a long-ish relationship so easily. That still bothers me sometimes, actually. In fact, that's probably worse than anything else she could've done to me because it wreaked havoc on my psyche. You wonder how a person could not even miss you or treat you like a fellow human being in the end. Were you not worth it? Did you add so little to their world that they don't even notice when you're gone? Intentional or not, it was that last punch she threw in the end.
And now I hear someone else I used to be involved with is having similar feelings over me. Admittedly, our relationship didn't end in the best fashion. It was one of those years long kinda things that I ended in a matter of minutes. I adored her. I wanted her so much. But she never could commit and we fell from the greatest relationship ever, into hooking up when we were both single and craving familiarity. And it was a similar M.O. to what I eventually went through with BP. When things got tough, or I got bored, that feeling that I should call her would creep in. And boy was I a glutton for punishment. Every time we'd hook up, I'd get my hopes up about dating again. And every time, she'd shut that noise down and we'd sever, and then end up repeating the same cycle. Miss N's arrival broke this cycle a bit, but not for good. Last year we went through something that caused me to end everything - the friendship and hooking up - rather abruptly. There was no final talk or resolution, I just ended it and that was that. I felt terrible about it, and second guessed myself for weeks, but decided opening that door again probably wouldn't have a good end result. This week, some seven months after all of that ish went down, she contacted me to ask for an actual resolution and put what used to be us in the past. I readily agreed and realized I'd done to her the same thing BP had done to me, and in both instances the relationships were owed better endings than they received. I never had the desire to try and make BP give us the right kind of ending, but I do have that desire with this other person. I have enough respect for what we had to try and put it to rest the right way.
I've had very few awkward interactions with this person I used to adore. We just never got into any awkward moments in the eight years we knew each other. Things just flowed. But today...that was awkward. I mean, you're sitting across from a coulda been love of your life and she's carrying someone else's child. That's awkward anyway you slice it. It's a boy, and she's due in a few months. I still remember finding out she was pregnant and how mindblowing that was, I can't believe the little dude is almost here. She and the father had a falling out and she's unsure if he'll be a part of the kid's life, which I just don't get, for many reasons. She's excited to be a mom, but nervous about how things will shake out, which is understandable. We didn't quite get to that official final goodbye we'd intended to have, as no contact for seven months leaves a ton of things to catch up on, but it was a productive conversation nonetheless. And I went home alone. That was always the hard part when we used to hang out, the going home alone. Hours after all this happened, I felt...sad. I miss her, as a friend and as something more, though I know all we could be now is friends and I think we're both on the fence about that. And it sucks because there are very few people you come across in life who will love you through everything, good or bad, and she's been one of those people for me. I guess we'll see what happens now.