As ya'll know, I'm in for a penny and in for a pound on this "Arranged" show. It's amazing how you can see a situation from your past going on with other people. In this case, the oldest couple on the show are at odds over whether or not to have children. He's badgered her about getting some test to find out if they'll have any trouble conceiving and she refuses to take it, her view being it's not necessary since kids are not on the horizon. Over the next few months, every minor tiff turns into a major blowout and it's enough for the Mrs. to seek out the advice of a spiritual counselor. They go to a session and she talks about how her childhood was fairly traumatic because her parents were not always on great terms and it made her feel as if she were out there on her own. This is why she's super independent and has trouble allowing her husband to ever take the reigns or do anything for her. Next, the counselor had them stand facing one another and listen, before reciting back what the other person just said. She talks about her need for independence and space and he recites it back, not word for word but in his own words. But when when he talks about how she's too hard on him and too obsessive about things being a certain way, what she recites back is not at all what he actually said. She knows it, he knows it and the counselor points it out, saying the Mrs. needs to work on her listening skills. They have a laugh over it, then depart for dinner where they start talking more honestly than they have in the past. The counselor did her job, she got a conversation started and we'll see what that leads to down the line.
As I watched this part of the show with a few friends, they couldn't help but say, "Sound familiar?". Yes. Yes it does. In fact, that one little section of show could sum up my entire relationship with BP. Yes, she was mean and could be downright cruel when the spirit moved her to be, but above all I think she was just damaged. That's not an excuse for her behavior, mind you, but it does give a glimpse into its origins. BP was a planner to the max and had to have control over every little thing, which made her great at her job but terrible in personal relationships. When she fought, she went straight for the jugular and when she felt unsure about something, it was self-preservation about all. Her childhood forced her to have to grow up a lot quicker than any kid should, and she had to make adult decisions when she was not yet capable of doing so. She brought all of this into our relationship and, presumably, every relationship before and after ours. She lashed out and got nasty because it was what she'd witnessed growing up as the way to conduct herself in an argument. I didn't see a lot of arguing between my elders in my youth, so what I learned about fighting in a relationship is based on what I've seen and experienced in my high school and college years. Right there is a major difference in the way both of us fought. I don't get super defensive right away in a disagreement, nor do I lash out immediately. I listen, I take everything in, I ponder it all and then I respond. She got crazy defensive before I even really said much and reacted just as quickly, usually leading with anger. Everything was perceived as a slight and treated as such by her. And frankly, it was all so exhausting. Someone creating their own drama or rewriting everything you say to paint themselves as the victim really wears on you. I knew most of what came out of her mouth was crap, but that made it no less exhausting to deal with. And that's part of why I tagged out, because I grew tired of defending myself and all the drama wasn't cute or exciting, it was just annoying.
Fairly early on, BP and I had a lengthy discussion about love, specifically unconditional love. I was very honest about the fact that I love everyone in my life unconditionally and am very loyal, unless given a damn good reason not to be. I feel like she exploited this, as she did so many other things about my personality, and used it to guilt me into sticking around whenever ish got tough. I recall a fight we had within the first year where I mentioned taking a break and she said something like, "Fine. Walk away just like everyone else", as a reference to her fathers having left when she was young. I thought it was a low blow and took her to task for comparing me to anyone else in her life (this was back when I still gave a damn and bothered to defend myself). It was a glimpse into what was going on in her head and how I would always come out as being just another person waiting to bail on her. For a long time, I stuck around because I didn't want to be that person, and wanted to show her that not everyone is waiting on a reason to leave. But she never saw the point I was trying to make and instead took it to mean she could do whatever she wanted to me and I would still stay because, in her view, that's what unconditional love is. There were at least two occasions where she left for a few weeks and barely spoke to me, or avoided me altogether, only to come back and want to pick up where we left off and she was shocked when I wasn't as invested anymore. This prompted her to lose interest and go back to avoiding me again, and on and on it went. Being allowed to treat someone like crap and have them still adore you is not my definition of unconditional love, yet another area where we had a major difference of opinion.
The timing of "Arranged" having the episode they did is eerie because I discovered today that someone in a certain country has been perusing the blog of late. I rarely get hits from this particular country, in fact I've only ever gotten them when BP is there. Curious, huh? I've been bracing myself for some kind of half-assed contact from her, but have yet to hear anything, which is a good sign. I've gotten lured back into her drama so many times that I just don't even see myself responding to a damn thing she throws at me anymore. I doubt contact is forthcoming, but if it is, I will have zero to say. It's funny though...BP used to be a frequent reader here. She would read my posts everyday and sometimes that was a problem because she'd use things she read here against me, or she'd take something I wrote the wrong way and start a fight over it. She never said anything about the positive posts I wrote about her, though I know she read them frequently. Towards the end, when she was leading with avoidance, she still read here everyday. On those rare occasions when she spoke to me, she'd occasionally bring up a recent post about an event in my life, or something I was thinking about. I used to find that so insulting and so unfair. You can't be bothered to speak to me for days, or weeks, on end but you can read about my life on a daily basis? How does that work exactly? I was completely in the dark about what was going on in her life, but she was still able to see a fair amount of what was going on in mine. Because of that, the blog went to invited readers only a few times and, I thought, I'd shaken BP altogether because of that. But evidently not. Frankly, I don't care if she reads here or not anymore. I'm guessing it's checking in to see if I've moved on, if I'm dating anyone and gauge my overall quality of life without her. And perhaps she wants to see if I still write about her and what it is I'm saying. Since I'm sure that's at least a part of it, I will likely refrain from writing about her again anytime soon. I don't have a ton to say about ish anyway, it's so far back in the rearview for me. I'm happy, things are good, and I need to focus on all of that and not on the bad stuff that led me to appreciate the good. Thanks for stopping by, BP.
