As you may recall, my friend A is a whore for all things reality TV, regardless of whose reality the show is covering. Because of her, I have been hooked on such shows as, "Virgin Tales", "Strange Sex" and, one shameful summer, one of the "Real Housewives" franchises. I'm torn because I find these shows both fascinating and horrifying. Fascinating because it's always interesting to see how other people live and horrifying because I'm watching them, and because this is what television has come to. Her latest addiction is on the FYI network and is called, "Arranged" and it follows three couples who are entering into some form of arranged marriage. I didn't expect to like the show, this is the same network that gives us the weekly trainwreck that is, "Marriage At First Sight" after all, but it's been very interesting so far.
Couple number one is the youngest and most arranged couple of them all. Christian and Maria are Romani Gypsies whose parents have arranged their marriage. They're also teenagers, he's 18 and she's 17 and still wearing braces. Christian's parents are hilarious; married for twenty years with three sons and very open about their culture and how the traditions of that culture play out. They admit that there was a dowry involved and that Maria is expected to move in with the family and become the main homemaker and do as her husband says. But they're also both quick to scold Christian when he refuses to compliment his wife or is just plain mean to her, which is more often than not. These two are an old school arranged marriage in that they've seen each other only once and have never spent any actual time together until the day they get married. Christian belittles her and gets on her for EVERYTHING post-wedding; how she folds clothes, how she makes meatloaf, and even tells her that he'd spend more time with her if she weren't so boring. Maria never smiles throughout the first five episodes of the show. Not once. And Christian never smiles when referring to her, but often expresses trepidation at spending his life with someone he doesn't even know. At first, I thought he was just an ass and wondered where he got it from since his parents seem so nice and like they have such a good (also arranged) marriage. But now I think he's just young and doesn't know how to be an adult yet, let alone a husband. Maria tells the camera that as a Gypsy woman, you know you'll grow up to be a young wife and mother and homemaker and that's pretty much all you get out of life. While I understand that it is their culture, it's quite sad that girls are told that. Christian and Maria's wedding is big and extravagant, but the marriage itself is off to a rocky start.
Couple number two, I just don't understand at all. Meghan, 24, and Josh, 26, are Southerners who are on the show because...well, that I'm not sure of. Initially, I missed the first episode of the show that introduced the couples and their backstories, but now that I've seen it I still couldn't tell you why they qualify to be on a show about arranged marriage. Their story was vague but sounded as if Meghan's mom met Josh at church, introduced him to her daughter and then they began dating after he met the family and they gave their approval. There was no, "This is who you'll marry" declaration by the parents, no religious reason they were to be hooked up with one another. It was a setup by her mom that is somehow being pitched as an "arranged" marriage. It's odd. Anyway, their problem stems from two things - money and mom, his mom to be precise. Josh is in med school and wants to go into radiology, but he has a good six or seven years of residency ahead of him before he starts making any decent money and they're not yet sure of which hospital he will do that residency at. So for now, they live in a condo with Josh's brother, the rent being paid his fairly well off father. Josh's parents are paying for almost everything in his life, but have made it clear he will be cut off the day he graduates from college, which is just around the corner. Meghan's parents are also financing her life, as well as the wedding that she spend close to $50,000 on, going well over the agreed upon budget of $40,000. Daddy pays the overage charges too, but Josh is less pleased with Meghan's inability to control her own finances. She talks of wanting a big Southern house and four kids and money for clothes and shows and handbags, but seems not to grasp the reality of Josh only making around $24,000 a year once his residency starts. He tells her often that all the things she wants are at least six years in the future, but she doesn't care and charges ahead with making an ovulation chart so they can start trying to have a baby. Further complicating matters is Josh's overbearing, spotlight hogging mother who disapproves of Meghan not wanting be a happy homemaker or dance the Charleston at her wedding. When the couple opt for a slow dance to a country song as their first dance, mom decides to one up the bride by doing some big choreographed routine for the mother/son dance. The bride is furious and when she confronts the groom, all he has to say is it's a battle between his wife and his mom and of course mom is going to win, which should be the only giant red flag Meghan needs to bounce. But she doesn't. She throws on her best pageant girl smile and charges ahead with the marriage as they wait to hear where Josh will do his residency.
At 33 and 34, Ragini and Veeral are the oldest of the arranged couples, engaged to be married in a traditional Indian ceremony. Veeral is another mama's boy who is coddled over by both his mom and sister, who had veto power when it came to his future wife. Ragini is a career-minded woman who's family is a bit more modern than Veeral's traditional clan, who think she needs to learn how to cook and bear him a child ASAP. The pair have been living together, although in separate bedrooms, to save on living expenses and probably know each other better than any of the other couples. And yet, they still don't seem to know each other's intentions or future plans all that well. Ragini has no interest in becoming a domestic goddess and often confesses her doubts about getting married, questioning whether or not she'll make a good wife. Veeral wanted a wedding with 500 to 700 guests (I don't even know 500 people), while she wanted no more than 250. Veeral's mother and sister throw his future wife a bridal shower that consists of cooking classes, not exactly the last hurrah Ragini is looking for. Veeral's mother also purchases two necklaces and earrings for Ragini to wear to the wedding reception, but both necklaces on at the same time is too much for her so she only wears one, drawing an immediate, "Where's the other necklace I gave you?" comment from mom (and a dirty look from the sister) the minute she walks into her own wedding reception. Just weeks after the wedding, Veeral and his family are on Ragini to start a family and the issue quickly becomes a major one between the couple. Veeral reminds her every chance he gets that she vowed she "bear 1 to 9 children" for him during the course of their marriage, and he now feels she's reneging on the deal. He sets up an appointment for her with a doctor to have a blood test done that will tell them if there's anything that will prevent her from getting pregnant, but Ragini declines to have the test, saying she knows the perils of pregnancy over 35 and will cross that bridge when she's ready to and not a moment sooner. After Veeral's incessant chatter about babies, she throws out something to the effect of maybe she doesn't want that down the line. He tells her she needs to make a decision because if she doesn't want children, he will move on. I can't help but wonder if she went into this whole thing thinking maybe he'd be down to wait a few years for kids and by then she's in her late-30's and can only have one or two, or skip kids altogether and not have to deal with it.
You would think a show about arranged marriages would be cold and hard to watch, and at times this one can be, but for the most part it breaks down some stereotypes about the practice. It also shows that arranged marriages are still alive and well, even in the U.S. And while I enjoy watching the show, I can't imagine being any of these people. I haven't felt compelled to marry anyone that I do know, nevermind committing the rest of my life to a total stranger. I don't knock the practice of arranging marriages because every culture has their traditions, but I'm glad I'm not from a background that's into all that. So much goes into even just a committed relationship; chemistry, compatibility in personality and sexual compatibility and dedication and similar views and values and wants for the future. All of these couples are more freaked about the future than a normal newlywed, and the added pressure that they're in a marriage they cannot get out of. No one should go into a marriage believing they always have the out of divorce if it doesn't work, obviously (though WAY too many people DO do that nowadays), but it has to be a different kind of pressure to know that this is it, this is your partner for life whether you love them or not. The Gypsy family say you "grow to love" the person you're arranged with, and perhaps you do. But that can't be the case for every single couple. And that's sad to think about, that a number of them will live the rest of their days with a person they're 'meh' about.
