Why is it so hard to stop thinking about people who aren't good for you? I remember being "done" with BP so many times and telling her, and myself, that was the last text I'd ever send her, or the last fight I'd ever engage in with her. But I could never stick to that promise. We'd fall out and stop speaking for a few hours or days and then that familiar feeling would creep in. I'd start obsessing over whether we were really over, and then I'd wonder if I should reach out or wait it out. I'd set a deadline, telling myself if I didn't hear from her by such and such time, that I'd be the one to break the silence. I'd think about her and the issue we were fighting about constantly. And then I'd cave. It was awful. And eventually, she caught onto this pattern so she never made any effort to fix shit herself, she'd just wait for me to crawl back. In hindsight, I think most of it was habit on my part. Looking back, especially the last year or so, I didn't follow this pattern because I truly missed her or because I wanted her back. It'd just become the norm, so I played my part in the neverending script. But once I stepped outside of it, stopped playing my assigned role, I got wise. When she went off the rails and claimed to be too busy for me, I let her go and be busy. When we fought and it got nasty, I went to my corner and she went to hers and I had no qualms about it possibly being the real end. Sometimes she cared about this, but most time she didn't. She'd claim to be thinking about me all the time and throw out her pitch about how I was this great love in her life, but it wasn't really like that. I stopped falling for it though, and I never looked back after that. But even after the split, I found myself with unresolved feelings and I wasn't sure why. A friend suggested that the reason for those feelings was because we'd had no final resolution and that bothered me immensely. I decided to write a letter to her with everything I had to say; about our past, and our fights and our end. The objective was to find some resolution on my own, since she had no interest in doing so. In the process, I discovered that it wasn't just the lack of resolution that had irked me, it was also that I couldn't comprehend how anyone could be so cold and let go of a long-ish relationship so easily. That still bothers me sometimes, actually. In fact, that's probably worse than anything else she could've done to me because it wreaked havoc on my psyche. You wonder how a person could not even miss you or treat you like a fellow human being in the end. Were you not worth it? Did you add so little to their world that they don't even notice when you're gone? Intentional or not, it was that last punch she threw in the end.
And now I hear someone else I used to be involved with is having similar feelings over me. Admittedly, our relationship didn't end in the best fashion. It was one of those years long kinda things that I ended in a matter of minutes. I adored her. I wanted her so much. But she never could commit and we fell from the greatest relationship ever, into hooking up when we were both single and craving familiarity. And it was a similar M.O. to what I eventually went through with BP. When things got tough, or I got bored, that feeling that I should call her would creep in. And boy was I a glutton for punishment. Every time we'd hook up, I'd get my hopes up about dating again. And every time, she'd shut that noise down and we'd sever, and then end up repeating the same cycle. Miss N's arrival broke this cycle a bit, but not for good. Last year we went through something that caused me to end everything - the friendship and hooking up - rather abruptly. There was no final talk or resolution, I just ended it and that was that. I felt terrible about it, and second guessed myself for weeks, but decided opening that door again probably wouldn't have a good end result. This week, some seven months after all of that ish went down, she contacted me to ask for an actual resolution and put what used to be us in the past. I readily agreed and realized I'd done to her the same thing BP had done to me, and in both instances the relationships were owed better endings than they received. I never had the desire to try and make BP give us the right kind of ending, but I do have that desire with this other person. I have enough respect for what we had to try and put it to rest the right way.
I've had very few awkward interactions with this person I used to adore. We just never got into any awkward moments in the eight years we knew each other. Things just flowed. But today...that was awkward. I mean, you're sitting across from a coulda been love of your life and she's carrying someone else's child. That's awkward anyway you slice it. It's a boy, and she's due in a few months. I still remember finding out she was pregnant and how mindblowing that was, I can't believe the little dude is almost here. She and the father had a falling out and she's unsure if he'll be a part of the kid's life, which I just don't get, for many reasons. She's excited to be a mom, but nervous about how things will shake out, which is understandable. We didn't quite get to that official final goodbye we'd intended to have, as no contact for seven months leaves a ton of things to catch up on, but it was a productive conversation nonetheless. And I went home alone. That was always the hard part when we used to hang out, the going home alone. Hours after all this happened, I felt...sad. I miss her, as a friend and as something more, though I know all we could be now is friends and I think we're both on the fence about that. And it sucks because there are very few people you come across in life who will love you through everything, good or bad, and she's been one of those people for me. I guess we'll see what happens now.
And now I hear someone else I used to be involved with is having similar feelings over me. Admittedly, our relationship didn't end in the best fashion. It was one of those years long kinda things that I ended in a matter of minutes. I adored her. I wanted her so much. But she never could commit and we fell from the greatest relationship ever, into hooking up when we were both single and craving familiarity. And it was a similar M.O. to what I eventually went through with BP. When things got tough, or I got bored, that feeling that I should call her would creep in. And boy was I a glutton for punishment. Every time we'd hook up, I'd get my hopes up about dating again. And every time, she'd shut that noise down and we'd sever, and then end up repeating the same cycle. Miss N's arrival broke this cycle a bit, but not for good. Last year we went through something that caused me to end everything - the friendship and hooking up - rather abruptly. There was no final talk or resolution, I just ended it and that was that. I felt terrible about it, and second guessed myself for weeks, but decided opening that door again probably wouldn't have a good end result. This week, some seven months after all of that ish went down, she contacted me to ask for an actual resolution and put what used to be us in the past. I readily agreed and realized I'd done to her the same thing BP had done to me, and in both instances the relationships were owed better endings than they received. I never had the desire to try and make BP give us the right kind of ending, but I do have that desire with this other person. I have enough respect for what we had to try and put it to rest the right way.
I've had very few awkward interactions with this person I used to adore. We just never got into any awkward moments in the eight years we knew each other. Things just flowed. But today...that was awkward. I mean, you're sitting across from a coulda been love of your life and she's carrying someone else's child. That's awkward anyway you slice it. It's a boy, and she's due in a few months. I still remember finding out she was pregnant and how mindblowing that was, I can't believe the little dude is almost here. She and the father had a falling out and she's unsure if he'll be a part of the kid's life, which I just don't get, for many reasons. She's excited to be a mom, but nervous about how things will shake out, which is understandable. We didn't quite get to that official final goodbye we'd intended to have, as no contact for seven months leaves a ton of things to catch up on, but it was a productive conversation nonetheless. And I went home alone. That was always the hard part when we used to hang out, the going home alone. Hours after all this happened, I felt...sad. I miss her, as a friend and as something more, though I know all we could be now is friends and I think we're both on the fence about that. And it sucks because there are very few people you come across in life who will love you through everything, good or bad, and she's been one of those people for me. I guess we'll see what happens now.
