I'm tired. Of dealing with broken people who don't have the sense to even attempt to pick up their own pieces, yet inexplicably expect someone else to want to do that for them. In the past week, I've dealt with BP and my brother and realized just how similar they are. They both bitch and moan about the state of their lives, about how woe is them and they want to change things. And they both have about 5 minutes worth of resolve when it comes to actually making changes. They can both turn on you and be mean on a dime, and for no reason at all sometimes. And they both exploit my feelings for them in order to get what they want. I put up with it from my brother because...well, he's my brother. I used to put up with BP because I cared about her very much and I knew she needed at least one decent person in her life to balance out the maze of misguided family members and fairweather friends. I was loyal to both of these people long after I had any reason to be. I continued to be loyal to BP even after we ended, but tossed that out the window when she kept trying to weasel her way back into my life, only to hurt me again. So, yeah, I'm tired. And I've come to come decisions.
Before we get to these decisions, let me tell ya'll a story about a young lad named DMC. He's been on the blog before, in both good posts and in all of his bastardly glory. DMC is my cousin, and he's almost exactly a month older than me. Our relationship has always been rocky and has run the gamut from being super close to being strangers. He often dd not approve of how I chose to live my life and would cast me out because of it. But rarely were these slights super painful or offensive because I just got used to that being the nature of our relationship. That is, until a few years ago when things got very ugly between us. DMC was engaged to a woman who's a friend of mine and he was rushing her down the aisle. Having come out of a bad marriage, she was reluctant to enter another marriage unless both people had only the best of intentions going in. She knew he could be a dick when he wanted to, but had not witnessed him at his worst until the wedding day. He and I were at war and she overheard him yell some terrible things and basically left him at the altar. His behavior reminded her of her first husband and she threatened to sever all ties if he didn't get his ass into counseling. It took less than a week of being broken up for him to wise up and comply. He found therapy to be an unexpectedly good outlet for his feelings, so much so that he still attends it today. They slowly worked into a relationship again and married last year. The wedding coincided with he and I patching up our own relationship, something I'd ended after the incident at the first wedding. I agonized over it because he's family and you shouldn't just cut ties with family. But ultimately, I decided I had to get him out of my life because he was a form of poison at that time. Seeing as how I'd already picked BP as my poison, something else had to give. It's hard to tell what kind of impact cutting him out really had since BP continued to fuck me over time and again, but I was glad we could fix things between us. I think the estrangement was harder on the family than it was on us because they realized how awkward it was to plan things when we couldn't stand each other. We're not crazy close and probably never will be again, but we are friends and get along quite well now. He doesn't judge me for stupid ish and I don't get hurt on a regular basis because of his judgments.
I'm a fan of people who want to better themselves and take action to actually do so, as DMC did and as Agent W is currently doing. A running joke between the two of us is that I went to college for four years and emerged with a fake degree, while she's been in college for literally eons pursuing a real degree. There have been many bumps in the road, but she's finally headed down the yellow brick road that has a degree dangling at the end of it. And I'm very proud of her for staying committed to finishing school, no matter how long it takes and no matter what has gotten in the way of it in the past. Most people would've tossed their hands up and moved onto something else the first, maybe the second time that life got in the way of school. But she did not do that, and that makes me so happy for her. She deserves to make this last year of school her bitch and get on out there in the world to start helping people (though it'll be scary as hell when she actually gets a license to help those poor suckers). The upside of her extended stay in college is that she's had allllll these years to analyze and study me, like some animal in a zoo who's decisions you just never quite comprehend. Someday, it's gonna be my head mounted above the fireplace in her swanky office. The moral of these stories? A person who actually wants to change, be it their life or their circumstances, will take the necessary steps to do so. Change is not easy, sometimes it can be a bitch, but when it needs to happen, you have to be willing to do your part.
Before we get to these decisions, let me tell ya'll a story about a young lad named DMC. He's been on the blog before, in both good posts and in all of his bastardly glory. DMC is my cousin, and he's almost exactly a month older than me. Our relationship has always been rocky and has run the gamut from being super close to being strangers. He often dd not approve of how I chose to live my life and would cast me out because of it. But rarely were these slights super painful or offensive because I just got used to that being the nature of our relationship. That is, until a few years ago when things got very ugly between us. DMC was engaged to a woman who's a friend of mine and he was rushing her down the aisle. Having come out of a bad marriage, she was reluctant to enter another marriage unless both people had only the best of intentions going in. She knew he could be a dick when he wanted to, but had not witnessed him at his worst until the wedding day. He and I were at war and she overheard him yell some terrible things and basically left him at the altar. His behavior reminded her of her first husband and she threatened to sever all ties if he didn't get his ass into counseling. It took less than a week of being broken up for him to wise up and comply. He found therapy to be an unexpectedly good outlet for his feelings, so much so that he still attends it today. They slowly worked into a relationship again and married last year. The wedding coincided with he and I patching up our own relationship, something I'd ended after the incident at the first wedding. I agonized over it because he's family and you shouldn't just cut ties with family. But ultimately, I decided I had to get him out of my life because he was a form of poison at that time. Seeing as how I'd already picked BP as my poison, something else had to give. It's hard to tell what kind of impact cutting him out really had since BP continued to fuck me over time and again, but I was glad we could fix things between us. I think the estrangement was harder on the family than it was on us because they realized how awkward it was to plan things when we couldn't stand each other. We're not crazy close and probably never will be again, but we are friends and get along quite well now. He doesn't judge me for stupid ish and I don't get hurt on a regular basis because of his judgments.
I'm a fan of people who want to better themselves and take action to actually do so, as DMC did and as Agent W is currently doing. A running joke between the two of us is that I went to college for four years and emerged with a fake degree, while she's been in college for literally eons pursuing a real degree. There have been many bumps in the road, but she's finally headed down the yellow brick road that has a degree dangling at the end of it. And I'm very proud of her for staying committed to finishing school, no matter how long it takes and no matter what has gotten in the way of it in the past. Most people would've tossed their hands up and moved onto something else the first, maybe the second time that life got in the way of school. But she did not do that, and that makes me so happy for her. She deserves to make this last year of school her bitch and get on out there in the world to start helping people (though it'll be scary as hell when she actually gets a license to help those poor suckers). The upside of her extended stay in college is that she's had allllll these years to analyze and study me, like some animal in a zoo who's decisions you just never quite comprehend. Someday, it's gonna be my head mounted above the fireplace in her swanky office. The moral of these stories? A person who actually wants to change, be it their life or their circumstances, will take the necessary steps to do so. Change is not easy, sometimes it can be a bitch, but when it needs to happen, you have to be willing to do your part.
When BP and I got together, she said one of her best qualities was that she was always changing and improving herself. I find this to be an attractive trait - in people who actually possess this trait. She did not, but inexplicably believed she was always getting better. I never saw any changes, at least no positive ones. She was very susceptible to what others thought; of her, of her relationships, of her decisions, and she reacted accordingly. She couldn't text me when she was out with friends because they didn't like me. She couldn't say no to going out with them because she'd either have to tell them it was because she was with me (and, again, they didn't like me), or if she gave them no reason at all, they would bang down her door and demand answers. Her client cursed like a sailor and smoked, so she took up full-time smoking and cursing too. Negative changes were no big thing to her, but positive ones were never achieved. I also think part of the reason we fell apart was because I am one to actually follow through with making positive changes in my own life and many of those changes led me further away from her. I don't know if she was upset about that or jealous about the fact that I stuck to what I wanted to change, but either way it didn't help matters between us. And it always irked the hell out of me how she bitched about shit that was her own fault and expected me to just jump on board with it. When she was low on money, she'd whine about how she wasn't eating much, or was eating only the same cheap meal everyday because she couldn't afford anything else. Two hours later, I'd get a text that she was out for drinks with friends. Or she'd complain about how she had no money in the bank and then go and max out a store credit card just because they'd raised her credit limit. The next day, she'd be back to complaining about having no money and I'd just smile and nod through it all. It wasn't my job to police her spending, and maybe my view of it was different because I'm a parent and don't blow money on stupid ish because of that, but I certainly wasn't going to agree with her on anything money-wise. BP liked to claim change was on the horizon, but it never got any closer than that. And at this point, she's like the villain in a horror movie that keeps resurrecting itself long after you think it can. She still seems to think she can run to me when the world gets loud, and I have no idea why that is. I heard from her this week and, in typical fashion, she bailed midway through the conversation and left me hanging. I don't know why, maybe it's having recently celebrated a birthday, but something in me snapped and decided I don't have time for her BS anymore. I shot off an angry few messages, then filtered her emails to go to the trash and blocked her number altogether. I've done all this before, but I swear to ya'll, she has some sort of sixth sense that tells her when I stop blocking her messages. Usually, I remove the block because I need it for another number, or because I feel enough time has passed that she wouldn't dare reach out again. But this time that block is for good. I cannot have someone like her in my life, not in any way, shape or form. I'm not mad at her, I don't hate her, I don't wish anything negative on her. But I'm just done. In a way that I don't think I've ever been before. I'm not going to allow her to occupy anymore of my (limited) brain power. I want something positive, with someone who actually cares about me and loves me, not something full of emptiness, in every meaning of the word. I do wish her luck, though. She's gonna need it.
As for my brother...I don't know what to do there. Every other week, I get suckered into believing he's turned a corner when it comes to handling his divorce and being an actual father to his kids. It's not that I believe it at all, but that I want it to be true. I adore those kids and my place in their life, and I recognize that it's worked out the way it has because he took himself out of the equation, but I'd love nothing more than for him to see the light and actually be a damn father. As it stands, he's no better than our own father. While I've had and continue to have wonderful father figures in my life, I don't know what it's like to have a dad. But I do know that never knowing what it's like to have a dad has worked out way better for me than having one who was often absent or apathetic about his feelings towards me ever would have. That crap is so damaging to kids, and well into adulthood. Even before I was a parent myself, even at 19 years old when Miss R was born, I recognized what a privilege and a blessing it is to be a parent. I recognized that kids come first when you choose to be a parent. But that''s the thing, isn't it? Anyone can become a parent, but one has to actually step up to the plate and choose to be a mom or a dad, rather than a birth mother or father. A dad plays with his kids and loves them and lets them know how important they are. A father is glorified sperm donor. And I'm so over falling for his crap about how he loves his wife and kids. If that were true, I wouldn't be writing this at all. And it annoys me that I even have to. He can clean up his own messes from now on, I'm done with that. I need people like DMC and Agent W in my life, people who are committed to bettering themselves and others. I don't need people like my brother and BP.
As for my brother...I don't know what to do there. Every other week, I get suckered into believing he's turned a corner when it comes to handling his divorce and being an actual father to his kids. It's not that I believe it at all, but that I want it to be true. I adore those kids and my place in their life, and I recognize that it's worked out the way it has because he took himself out of the equation, but I'd love nothing more than for him to see the light and actually be a damn father. As it stands, he's no better than our own father. While I've had and continue to have wonderful father figures in my life, I don't know what it's like to have a dad. But I do know that never knowing what it's like to have a dad has worked out way better for me than having one who was often absent or apathetic about his feelings towards me ever would have. That crap is so damaging to kids, and well into adulthood. Even before I was a parent myself, even at 19 years old when Miss R was born, I recognized what a privilege and a blessing it is to be a parent. I recognized that kids come first when you choose to be a parent. But that''s the thing, isn't it? Anyone can become a parent, but one has to actually step up to the plate and choose to be a mom or a dad, rather than a birth mother or father. A dad plays with his kids and loves them and lets them know how important they are. A father is glorified sperm donor. And I'm so over falling for his crap about how he loves his wife and kids. If that were true, I wouldn't be writing this at all. And it annoys me that I even have to. He can clean up his own messes from now on, I'm done with that. I need people like DMC and Agent W in my life, people who are committed to bettering themselves and others. I don't need people like my brother and BP.
