I had two spirited conversations the other day about the scandal surrounding a certain TV family whose name I will not use here. For those living under a rock, word broke yesterday that the oldest son of this family sexually molested four of his sisters, as well as one other girl back in the early 2000's. He was 14 at the time and the girls, presumably, were all younger than him, and all but one lived in the same house with him. Details about the aftermath of the molestation seem to be murky, depending on which site you read, but the police report is what I've formed my opinions off of. According to that, most of the incidents took place when the girls were asleep and woke up to find their brother touching them, at least two of them reported this to their parents and on both occasions, the parents sent the son away to do manual labor as a punishment. Both times, he returned to the house after "punishment" and continued living under the same roof as his victims, the family telling very few people about any of this. Of course, then the family gained reality TV fame and the oldest son married, moved out and became a cog in an organization that is extremely racist and anti-gay and preached that the gays were the ones after our children. I'm sure they all thought the story would stay buried, and maybe it would've if not for an anonymous email sent to Oprah in 2007 that disclosed what had happened and asked her to either confront them about it on the show, or not have them on at all. And Oprah did the right thing by alerting a child abuse hotline about the claims, scrapping the show and sending the family back to their hometown where authorities were waiting to interview all involved. The circulating police report, names and identifying info redacted, chronicles a number of interviews conducted in 2007 as a part of an investigation into what the police considered to be valid molestation claims. All of the victims, as well as the parents, another sibling and the predator were interviewed though, for reasons I don't quite understand (possibly the statute of limitations had run out), no charges were ever officially brought. Apparently the predator's parents lawyered him up and no further interviews were conducted. All of this came to light now because one of the victims, most likely the one not in the residence, asked the court to destroy the documents so that her name never surfaces.
When I read about these claims for the first time, I wasn't shocked about the molestation itself, but surprised his own sisters were his victims and that the parents essentially chose one son over the rest of the kids and chose to hide what had happened. How awful to have been victimized by your own brother, have to stay under the same roof with him for years afterward, and to have your own parents stand by him and chalk up the abuse to being a "teenage mistake". And you just know none of those poor girls received the proper counseling to deal with what happened to them because it's frowned upon for anyone in that cult (and that's what it is, by definition) to go outside the "faith" for any kind of help. Two of the four sisters are now married with children of their own and I can't imagine having to deal with this yet again while just starting your own family. They had to be relieved as hell to get out of that house. The abuser is also a father, one of his children a girl, and his wife claims she and her family knew of his past prior to the marriage. I'm not sure if I buy that or not, since her parents and his pretty much arranged the marriage and, "Hey, our son is a sexual predator" doesn't exactly make for a happy arrangement. Maybe she and her parents did know, in which case they're no better than his parents for aiding in the cover-up. Whether she knew or not, she's not going anywhere. She's pregnant with their fourth child, and she's fully immersed in the Kool-Aid that is their so-called religion. Keep in mind that he was 14 at the time of the molestation, while the girls ranged in age from 4 to 12. If these parents, who don't allow their children to even hold hands with a member of the opposite sex until they get engaged, had caught a kid making out or heavy petting with someone, they'd have gone ballistic. But sexually molesting your younger sisters? That's no big deal apparently.
The first convo I had about this was with a friend who played devil's advocate about how one person's experimentation is another's molestation. Going on the facts she'd read to that point, she was saying it's possible the predator was just a sexually repressed, horny kid who was experimenting with other sexually repressed, horny kids who happened to be family members. While I agreed that happens sometimes (and yes, that's still wrong too when it involves family members), I had to point out that this was not mutual experimentation since the girls were asleep at the time of some of the incidents. They did not have a chance to consent and if they recoiled or said no upon waking up and he continued, that is unwanted sexual contact and that's a crime. They were taken advantage of sexually, and that is a crime. The second convo I had involved someone who is a survivor of sexual abuse, the perpetrator being a family member who was never charged because the rest of the family did not believe the accusations (sick, I know). This person had every right to condemn this TV family for their inaction after hearing what their son was doing to their daughters, but they did not. Instead, this person laid out how they feel sorry for all of the kids involved because their parents failed them, and also that maybe the son hasn't done anything since those incidents and as such can be labeled as "reformed". I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing, but did not say a whole lot during the conversation. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and those opinions are certainly formed as a result of our own past experiences. I can't fault this person for their view of it, although I wholeheartedly disagree with it. They see it their way, for their own reasons, and I see it mine, and the rest of you see it in your own way, off of your own experiences. The problem is that a lot of people are either going off of just what the family said in their statements, or just off of the cliffnotes that the media is reporting.
I couldn't help but to read the police report in its entirety when this story broke. It wasn't because I found any of the accusations hard to believe, but because I was curious as to whether it was legit abuse or abuse solely in the eyes of a family who I already thought had some fucked up views. Having read the full report, I'm thoroughly disgusted and concerned for the well being of 18 of the 19 kids, the one I have little sympathy for being the perpetrator of the crimes. Even more disgusting is how religious folk, and just plain blind fans of the family are writing this off as no big deal because he supposedly repented and was forgiven by god eons ago. What the hell kind of reasoning is that? The reports tell us he never really appeared to be reprimanded for his actions. He was sent to do manual labor with a friend of the family and given a "stern talking to" by a family friend, who also turned out to be a damn pedophile! I'm sure he prayed like crazy for forgiveness though, so that's cool. Listen, these incidents happened over the course of at least a year and multiple times. He was 14, probably not yet out of puberty, but he was old enough to know better, if not the first time then definitely after that. He apologized and confessed, but he continued to do it. That is a pattern of behavior, and quite a scary one given that he was so brazen to do this in the family home and, at least once, in a common area and with someone outside of the family. All the apologies and manual labor in the world mean nothing if the behavior continues. Has he done this since that year? We'll never know for sure, but I find it hard to believe that he would just stop out of nowhere, especially since the initial abuse didn't come to the attention of the authorities until years later. Not getting caught is what allows any kind of abuser to continue doing wrong. I hope he has not done this to his daughter, and is watched like a hawk around her and their new daughter that is due in a few months.
So all of that to say, I think it's awful that so many people are placing their sympathy with the abuser. True, a lot of abusers become the way they are because they were victims as children, and that may well be the case for him. But there is also a choice to be made about all of this. Doing it one time, confessing because you feel awful and then never doing it again is a choice, as much as continuing to do it was a choice. The only sympathy I have for this person is that his parents failed him miserably. The parents then proceeded to choose him over their daughters, thus failing those girls. I've caught some episodes of this show over the years and always found their teaching to be odd. In my view, any "religion" that prevents people from doing something, like seeking counseling with someone not of their belief system, is a cult. When you're raising a mess of kids and teaching them their pubescent urges are wrong and that even holding hands with someone you like in that way could send you straight to hell, you're damaging them a whole hell of a lot. And you're not giving them the chance to come into their own belief system as they grow older, something that is vitally important for all of us as we reach adulthood. They robbed those kids of so much, all based on some misguided set of beliefs that apparently is full of shady people (more than just the deputy involved with the case have been accused sexual misconduct in some way). You are asking for trouble when you shelter your children that much, and you can pretty much chalk yourself up to being a failure as a parent when you decide to cover up one son's sins and sacrifice your daughters for the sake of your image. Of course, I feel the most sympathy for the girls who were victims. Sex crimes are among the worst things you can do to someone because it affects their lives in so many ways and can take a lifetime to try and move past. I'm sure they were already going to have issues dealing with sex, given their super sheltered upbringing, but something like past abuse makes that even more difficult. It's also gotta be terrible having literally the entire world know that you were molested, and by your older brother. I guarantee you they will be stuck with a bigger stigma than he will, which is ridiculous.
Here's a sad truth about this social media, reality TV world we live in - it's nearly a week since this story broke and TLC still has not made an official decision about the fate of the show. That's right, the network that immediately cancelled a show because an integral cog dated a pedophile who never even appeared on the show has yet to make a decision about this show where a cast member has admitted molesting his siblings, who are also cast members. A handful of advertisers have removed their ads from the show, and TLC has temporarily pulled it from the airwaves, claiming they do not yet know if they will continue filming. But let's face it, this family is their biggest cash cow and they're going to find a way to spin this and continue to milk it for all it's worth. And the sick part is that they know the girls, who are pretty much the face of the family now, are abuse victims who have likely never dealt with that abuse. TLC is knowingly using victims for profit. Even sicker is that they've likely been knowingly using them for profit for years now, I find it hard to believe Oprah's production company wouldn't have informed the network about the allegations back when they found out (TLC and OWN are owned by the same company). TLC had to have known about this before the news broke and circled the wagons accordingly. If TLC continues the show at all, whether it includes the offender and his family and the parents or not, I don't see how they spin it into anything good. Yes, there are a ton of Evangelical crazies who think this to be no big deal and will no doubt still tune in and drink the Kool-Aid every week. But the vast majority of reactions I've seen have been overwhelmingly negative; about the crimes, about the cover-up and about the idea of continuing the show in any form. How does one watch that show in the future and not feel...dirty, in a way. I couldn't do it. And I find my opinion of TLC quite low at the moment, to the point where I don't know that I'd watch it again if they decided to continue the show. And I watch a lot of random ish on TLC. But I can't support a network that would do this, or continue to do this. I hope the young ladies who were affected by this are offered the kind of counseling needed to move forward and heal.
