I've always been convinced I have the best group of friends in the world and I feel even more strongly about it now. It hasn't been the easiest week for me and for the past few days I've been pretty much avoiding everyone I can, working mostly from home. (Well, not my home, but my girlfriend's place). Yesterday was probably the worst day for me, so far. I hope it was the hump I needed to get over and now I can move past it all. Anyway, the girlfriend and I had plans to just have dinner and then chill out and the couch and watch t.v. all night. I took a shower and when I came back downstairs, the crew were all sitting on the couch demanding food. lol. Everyone had dinner and watched t.v. for what seemed like hours and for those few hours, all was right with my world. It was the only time this week that about half my brain hadn't been devoted every second to what's been going on. It was great. At some point during the evening I got to talk privately to just about everyone and they all made sure I was doing alright, without actually bringing everything back to the surface. I appreciate that. I love every single one of them, they're my family. I can think back to the top five moments in my life and one or all of them are a part of every single moment. One of these people in particular has become such a major part of my life and I never would have imagined we'd be where we are now. First off, he's a die-hard Yankees fan and you know I hate the Yankees. lol. But once you get beyond that and all of the outer stuff, he's one of the best guys in the world. I never really had a big brother, but now I know I do. We met back in 2001 and I guess it was just in time. My accident was just a year later and six months after that, he was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Thankfully, he beat it and he's in remission now and has been for a good amount of time. We grew up on different coasts but still have a ton in common and I know most people who meet him but don't know him assume he's a totally different person from the reality. He's the epitome of the whole 'Don't judge a book by it's cover' saying. He's probably been my best guy friend during these tough years and we harass each other and such, like you do with siblings. But we both know that when it all comes down, we're not gonna even have to ask for one another to be there.
I've had so many good friends come and go throughout my life. But this group is full of the people I cannot pay to leave me alone. (Okay, maybe most of them would, if the price were like way high). They're the ones who are going to be there when I go through my whole mid-life crisis. lol, They better be, they were there for the quarter-life one. I'd even venture to say we're all gonna end up wreaking havoc at the same retirement home. lol. Can't wait.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Maybe It's Not Over Yet
Last year, I thought, was probably my lowest low with everything that went on and that I had to get over. Five really bad years and then I was over it, for the most part, at the beginning of this year. Now I'm not so sure.
I was happy and I was with someone who loved me. But, as always, self-sabotage reared its ugly head and that was the end of that. I've fallen into bad habits with relationships again and I don't know how to feel about that. I was convinced things had become better in my life and I know now that they are better than the lowest point. (And the baby is an obvious bright spot, no doubt). But I used to think they would be the way they were before I nearly died and it doesn't work that way. It's hard to keep on when you lose people or you have to leave people behind for other reasons and it just chips at you and chips at you until you finally break. The last time I broke, it lasted a year. I won't get that down again, I can't and I know that. It's too far back to climb to get to some sort of normalcy. I know part of my problem has been stability and...I just can't do it anymore.
I was happy and I was with someone who loved me. But, as always, self-sabotage reared its ugly head and that was the end of that. I've fallen into bad habits with relationships again and I don't know how to feel about that. I was convinced things had become better in my life and I know now that they are better than the lowest point. (And the baby is an obvious bright spot, no doubt). But I used to think they would be the way they were before I nearly died and it doesn't work that way. It's hard to keep on when you lose people or you have to leave people behind for other reasons and it just chips at you and chips at you until you finally break. The last time I broke, it lasted a year. I won't get that down again, I can't and I know that. It's too far back to climb to get to some sort of normalcy. I know part of my problem has been stability and...I just can't do it anymore.
Friday, September 28, 2007
She passed away yesterday afternoon on her own and I haven't thought about anything else since I heard. I decided not to go down and see her because...there was/is just a lot of things that need to be sorted out in my head. I had a day off and I spent it with friends trying to not think constantly about what was going on. It still came up over lunch but what can you do. I got home late and had a message on the phone that she was gone and it just..ugh, I don't know. I didn't feel like doing anything all night so I didn't. I was up most of the night, not alone, thankfully, but I just feel like hell this morning and God knows I look like it. I wish I could call in and just lay around the house but I can't.
The worst thing is that I can't get past the fact she died alone. I mean, not in the hospital, she had one of her daughters and grand daughters there with her, but at her house. They almost couldn't get her back and they believe at least two of her organs had failed by then. She was technically brain dead already and I think once the brain is gone, you're gone essentially. She deserved so much better than that. She has six daughters, all in different parts of the States and only the one who lives in the same town bothered to show up. That's just wrong. There isn't going to be any kind of service, apparently, because she donated her body to science. That's been keeping me up too. Not that I have anything against science, but I've seen what happens after a body is donated.It's just frustration. I'm tired of losing people and I'm tired of always being the one that everyone has to worry about. And I know it has to change...
The worst thing is that I can't get past the fact she died alone. I mean, not in the hospital, she had one of her daughters and grand daughters there with her, but at her house. They almost couldn't get her back and they believe at least two of her organs had failed by then. She was technically brain dead already and I think once the brain is gone, you're gone essentially. She deserved so much better than that. She has six daughters, all in different parts of the States and only the one who lives in the same town bothered to show up. That's just wrong. There isn't going to be any kind of service, apparently, because she donated her body to science. That's been keeping me up too. Not that I have anything against science, but I've seen what happens after a body is donated.It's just frustration. I'm tired of losing people and I'm tired of always being the one that everyone has to worry about. And I know it has to change...
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
A Very Bad Year
I hadn't really thought about my year so far. But next week is October and before you know it, the holidays are going to be rolling by and it'll be 2008. Professionally, it's been a wonderful year for me. It's been an assurance that I made the right decision. Personally, it has been hell. My great grandmother passed away earlier this year. It wasn't completely unexpected, she was in her 90's. But because of other feuds in the background, it made it an even more stressful time. My grand grandpa has had a really, understandably, tough time since she died. He basically took care of her the last years of her life and then suddenly there was no one to take care of. He's currently being bounced between family members until he decides where he wants to live. I know most of us would prefer he go back to Texas with his siblings. Others, the side of the family we don't speak to anymore, would rather he just call it quits so they can take his money. Unfortunately, he lives about half the time with one of those members of the family. He's had injury issues off and on since his wife's death.
Just a month later, my great aunt, who I'd spent my early summers with as a child, passed away. She'd been in a home for several years and was, unfortunately, robbed blind by this other side of the family. They took the house she'd lived in forever and anything else they could get their hands on and left her to rot in a home while they bought million dollar homes for themselves and their children.
Last night I got more bad news on the personal front. My surrogate grandmother is in extreme critical condition at a hospital back home. She was found not breathing and, as of this morning, is believed to be brain dead. I'm waiting as I write this to find out if they've taken her off life support. I have the option of going to see her before she passes. The doctors are trying to figure out why she stopped breathing before they let her go. She hasn't had the easiest of years recently. She was my grandmother's best friend for a long, long time. They raised their kids together, in the same house at one point. They lost touch for awhile and after my grandma died, I spent my summers with the surrogate. It was a lot of making up for lost time and I loved every second of those summers. Looking back, some of them were almost enough material for a book. They say kids can sense more than adults think they're letting on and it's true. This woman had a tough life. She'd been to jail and had familial issues. But through it all she maintained this sense of...togetherness, in my eyes. If you knew her at all, you could always tell when things weren't quite right but it didn't matter. She is one of the few people on this earth that I've met who doesn't judge someone at first glance or even during a first conversation. She has one of, if not the, biggest hearts I have ever seen in another human being. She was a fun mother and an amazing grandmother. She was bedridden for many of those months us kids spent with her and I remember every now and then she would feel good enough to take us out somewhere. We'd all pile into her Cadillac (she LOVES those things) and head out to wherever we could. It was always an adventure. I remember the last Christmas I got to spend with her and the family. Someone found this stupid game where you place these hand-shaped things on your lower back and a post connects your side to the other persons. There was a dingy type thing in the middle and you had to move your hips to try and get it to rotate. It was ridiculous but everybody took their turn on that thing. It was a fun holiday for a lot of reasons. Probably one of the best I'll ever have. It was never about money with her, and God knows she never had much, it was about caring for people. I have wonderful memories about those days. But now I feel guilty. Once I was stable financially, I started sending back money to help her out. But I found out the money was going to her boyfriend and to alcohol for the both of them and I had to stop. It was a tough decision because you want to help out anyone you love. I called, I tried to once a week. But soon, the calls became bad. She was either drunk or completely hung over with slurred speech. Then, there were times when I would feel picked on because she would bring up something about my life that I didn't want to talk about and it would progress from there. I never knew if it was her or what she'd been drinking but it was enough to make me stop calling altogether. The last time we talked was almost a year ago. I was about an hour away from my hometown and I called to tell her and said we'd been down one day soon and we'd go to lunch. But then I got a job in New York and things got hectic and such. I wanted to call and I wanted to see her but I kept thinking of the hurtful things that had happened and not the good from years past. Then, when my great grandmother died, there was a huge funeral back home because, love her or hate her, everyone knew her and wanted to pay their respects. I didn't go to her funeral. Partially because I was sick and partially because I didn't wanna face the other side of the family. I don't hold grudges, it's a waste of energy. I just did not want to see any of them. It was because of them that my mother spent a week in the hospital when I was 13 years old and she still feels the effects of everything that went down. I hear I was missed at the event, most notably by my surrogate grandma. She wanted to see me and talk to me and I wasn't there. I'd been hearing the past few months from my cousin how bad she was doing. It always weighed heavily on my mind. This amazing woman has been in my prayers every night since those reports started coming in. I've never really been one to sense deaths and things coming on, that's my mother's talent, but the last week and a half I have had this overwhelming sense of...I don't even know the word. Doom? I've had a feeling something was going to happen to her and sure enough it has. I've been debating whether I should go see her tomorrow, if she's still being kept alive. When my grandma died, I was 9 and she suddenly worsened overnight and everyone rushed to the hospital. I remember hearing the words 'she didn't make it' from my aunt and just feeling numb. I had been extremely close to her and I always felt guilty for not feeling enough at that moment. I guess it was more disbelief than anything else. I had a hard time sorting my feelings after that and I thank God for my Godmother because she walked the halls of that hospital with me and talked everything through, even though she'd just lost her own mother. They gave us the option of seeing my grandma after she'd passed and been taken off the tubes. My mom asked the three of us (my sister, brother and me) if we wanted to see her. I said no and so did my sister. My mom said she wouldn't go either, if we weren't. My little brother wanted to give her a last kiss. He went with my Godmother. I didn't want to remember my grandma hooked up to machines and cold and lifeless. I wanted to remember the good and I do most days. That's why I don't think I want to see my surrogate grandmother tomorrow. Part guilt and part wanting to retain the good memories and not the bad. And funerals...I've been to way too many in my life and I don't know that I want to go to this one. I've got that same numb feeling I had when I heard my grandma passed. And this time it's worse because of the guilt and because I know the rush of things that are going to hit me all at once in the aftermath of all this. I'm glad I have the people in my life that I do to help me through it and especially thankful for one in particular. The live keep living, as they say and I know this is going to be a tough loss but not my toughest. Losing my best friend/girlfriend was the one that made me wanna die. I know now that I can keep living and that I want to keep living. But...why does my family keep taking so many hits lately?
Just a month later, my great aunt, who I'd spent my early summers with as a child, passed away. She'd been in a home for several years and was, unfortunately, robbed blind by this other side of the family. They took the house she'd lived in forever and anything else they could get their hands on and left her to rot in a home while they bought million dollar homes for themselves and their children.
Last night I got more bad news on the personal front. My surrogate grandmother is in extreme critical condition at a hospital back home. She was found not breathing and, as of this morning, is believed to be brain dead. I'm waiting as I write this to find out if they've taken her off life support. I have the option of going to see her before she passes. The doctors are trying to figure out why she stopped breathing before they let her go. She hasn't had the easiest of years recently. She was my grandmother's best friend for a long, long time. They raised their kids together, in the same house at one point. They lost touch for awhile and after my grandma died, I spent my summers with the surrogate. It was a lot of making up for lost time and I loved every second of those summers. Looking back, some of them were almost enough material for a book. They say kids can sense more than adults think they're letting on and it's true. This woman had a tough life. She'd been to jail and had familial issues. But through it all she maintained this sense of...togetherness, in my eyes. If you knew her at all, you could always tell when things weren't quite right but it didn't matter. She is one of the few people on this earth that I've met who doesn't judge someone at first glance or even during a first conversation. She has one of, if not the, biggest hearts I have ever seen in another human being. She was a fun mother and an amazing grandmother. She was bedridden for many of those months us kids spent with her and I remember every now and then she would feel good enough to take us out somewhere. We'd all pile into her Cadillac (she LOVES those things) and head out to wherever we could. It was always an adventure. I remember the last Christmas I got to spend with her and the family. Someone found this stupid game where you place these hand-shaped things on your lower back and a post connects your side to the other persons. There was a dingy type thing in the middle and you had to move your hips to try and get it to rotate. It was ridiculous but everybody took their turn on that thing. It was a fun holiday for a lot of reasons. Probably one of the best I'll ever have. It was never about money with her, and God knows she never had much, it was about caring for people. I have wonderful memories about those days. But now I feel guilty. Once I was stable financially, I started sending back money to help her out. But I found out the money was going to her boyfriend and to alcohol for the both of them and I had to stop. It was a tough decision because you want to help out anyone you love. I called, I tried to once a week. But soon, the calls became bad. She was either drunk or completely hung over with slurred speech. Then, there were times when I would feel picked on because she would bring up something about my life that I didn't want to talk about and it would progress from there. I never knew if it was her or what she'd been drinking but it was enough to make me stop calling altogether. The last time we talked was almost a year ago. I was about an hour away from my hometown and I called to tell her and said we'd been down one day soon and we'd go to lunch. But then I got a job in New York and things got hectic and such. I wanted to call and I wanted to see her but I kept thinking of the hurtful things that had happened and not the good from years past. Then, when my great grandmother died, there was a huge funeral back home because, love her or hate her, everyone knew her and wanted to pay their respects. I didn't go to her funeral. Partially because I was sick and partially because I didn't wanna face the other side of the family. I don't hold grudges, it's a waste of energy. I just did not want to see any of them. It was because of them that my mother spent a week in the hospital when I was 13 years old and she still feels the effects of everything that went down. I hear I was missed at the event, most notably by my surrogate grandma. She wanted to see me and talk to me and I wasn't there. I'd been hearing the past few months from my cousin how bad she was doing. It always weighed heavily on my mind. This amazing woman has been in my prayers every night since those reports started coming in. I've never really been one to sense deaths and things coming on, that's my mother's talent, but the last week and a half I have had this overwhelming sense of...I don't even know the word. Doom? I've had a feeling something was going to happen to her and sure enough it has. I've been debating whether I should go see her tomorrow, if she's still being kept alive. When my grandma died, I was 9 and she suddenly worsened overnight and everyone rushed to the hospital. I remember hearing the words 'she didn't make it' from my aunt and just feeling numb. I had been extremely close to her and I always felt guilty for not feeling enough at that moment. I guess it was more disbelief than anything else. I had a hard time sorting my feelings after that and I thank God for my Godmother because she walked the halls of that hospital with me and talked everything through, even though she'd just lost her own mother. They gave us the option of seeing my grandma after she'd passed and been taken off the tubes. My mom asked the three of us (my sister, brother and me) if we wanted to see her. I said no and so did my sister. My mom said she wouldn't go either, if we weren't. My little brother wanted to give her a last kiss. He went with my Godmother. I didn't want to remember my grandma hooked up to machines and cold and lifeless. I wanted to remember the good and I do most days. That's why I don't think I want to see my surrogate grandmother tomorrow. Part guilt and part wanting to retain the good memories and not the bad. And funerals...I've been to way too many in my life and I don't know that I want to go to this one. I've got that same numb feeling I had when I heard my grandma passed. And this time it's worse because of the guilt and because I know the rush of things that are going to hit me all at once in the aftermath of all this. I'm glad I have the people in my life that I do to help me through it and especially thankful for one in particular. The live keep living, as they say and I know this is going to be a tough loss but not my toughest. Losing my best friend/girlfriend was the one that made me wanna die. I know now that I can keep living and that I want to keep living. But...why does my family keep taking so many hits lately?
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Difference Maker
One of my best friends on this planet is a person I met when we were in junior high. I sat next to her in Spanish and her older sister sat in front of me. We were all bored out of our skulls because we already knew the language and just took the class for credit. I remember it was the beginning of the school year and I leaned forward to talk to her sister. She introduced us and we hit it off right away. She's one of those people that makes your day better just by being around, and we got to spend most of the afternoon together today. There are a million reasons we get along so well and so many things I just adore about her, but the top thing is her laugh. I can't even describe it but, my God, it's just the best laugh I've ever heard. She knows more than anyone what I went through when my engagement fell apart because she's been through a very similar situation. We've never dated but we have flirted with the possibility. Yeah, it could've worked out once upon a time, but I think she's always known who she really wants. And finally last year he realized it and they've been pretty happy since then. I admire what they have. They're in the same profession, they've been friends for over a decade and even though they're different personality-wise, it always seems to balance out.
I've been in relationships with people who were just like me and some who were exact opposites. I don't know why, but it feels like I've worked, or had to work, much harder when I've dated someone like myself. I always thought it'd be easier that way, because if you're alike then there's less to understand. But that hasn't been the case. I don't think I have a "type" that I really look for, in terms of personality. Looks, obviously, yes, lol. We all know that story. But as long as she has a great sense of humor and doesn't take anything too seriously, we're good. I've only dated two or three women who could actually make me laugh, instead of me always being the one to throw out a smart ass comment. Last year I dated someone who is about eight years older than me and was someone I never even really considered a friend until the accident. We met nine years ago at work and got on pretty well, but life takes you down different paths. We worked together again in 2001, but didn't get to spend much time together because of some outside issues. Then came the car accident and hospital stay. She visited me about a week after I woke up. I remember it clearly (which is rare) because she came in with this giant Taz stuffed animal and a huge, like, 8 pound box of chocolates.
"I brought you Taz because I know you love him. And chocolate because it makes everything better."
It didn't make everything better, but it made the day more bearable. That was the first time we got to have a conversation at length and it was wonderful. Six years later we were tossed back together and got to spend some time working on various projects. She'd been in a long-term relationship that ended badly and to say she was bitter is the understatement of the century. lol. She let it be known she was this close to being through with dating altogether. About a month after we started working together, I started to get all nervous around her and I didn't know why. We'd grown closer and spent a good amount of late nights finishing up some stuff but I never thought I'd feel anything for her. Yet, here I was like a boy just hitting puberty, having all these weird feelings. lol. I should point out that all of this was out of character because I've never gotten nervous around women in my life. I finally asked her out and we dated for a good four months or so. She made/makes me laugh, challenges me in so many ways. We took a break because I just couldn't handle a full-on commitment at the time. It's not completely done and we're still friends.
I don't know if she knows that she made a huge difference in my life by bringing me chocolate. But it wasn't just that, it was our conversation that day. I needed to talk to someone who knew me but wasn't as close to the situation as most of my friends were. She just listened. She didn't try to interrupt or tell me how I should feel, she just let me vent. She still does. I'm glad I met her when I did and I'm glad she's the kind of person who's there for you, whether or not you know it.
I've been in relationships with people who were just like me and some who were exact opposites. I don't know why, but it feels like I've worked, or had to work, much harder when I've dated someone like myself. I always thought it'd be easier that way, because if you're alike then there's less to understand. But that hasn't been the case. I don't think I have a "type" that I really look for, in terms of personality. Looks, obviously, yes, lol. We all know that story. But as long as she has a great sense of humor and doesn't take anything too seriously, we're good. I've only dated two or three women who could actually make me laugh, instead of me always being the one to throw out a smart ass comment. Last year I dated someone who is about eight years older than me and was someone I never even really considered a friend until the accident. We met nine years ago at work and got on pretty well, but life takes you down different paths. We worked together again in 2001, but didn't get to spend much time together because of some outside issues. Then came the car accident and hospital stay. She visited me about a week after I woke up. I remember it clearly (which is rare) because she came in with this giant Taz stuffed animal and a huge, like, 8 pound box of chocolates.
"I brought you Taz because I know you love him. And chocolate because it makes everything better."
It didn't make everything better, but it made the day more bearable. That was the first time we got to have a conversation at length and it was wonderful. Six years later we were tossed back together and got to spend some time working on various projects. She'd been in a long-term relationship that ended badly and to say she was bitter is the understatement of the century. lol. She let it be known she was this close to being through with dating altogether. About a month after we started working together, I started to get all nervous around her and I didn't know why. We'd grown closer and spent a good amount of late nights finishing up some stuff but I never thought I'd feel anything for her. Yet, here I was like a boy just hitting puberty, having all these weird feelings. lol. I should point out that all of this was out of character because I've never gotten nervous around women in my life. I finally asked her out and we dated for a good four months or so. She made/makes me laugh, challenges me in so many ways. We took a break because I just couldn't handle a full-on commitment at the time. It's not completely done and we're still friends.
I don't know if she knows that she made a huge difference in my life by bringing me chocolate. But it wasn't just that, it was our conversation that day. I needed to talk to someone who knew me but wasn't as close to the situation as most of my friends were. She just listened. She didn't try to interrupt or tell me how I should feel, she just let me vent. She still does. I'm glad I met her when I did and I'm glad she's the kind of person who's there for you, whether or not you know it.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Role Models
I was talking to one of my best friends today and it got me to thinking about role models. I've had some incredible people in my life through the years, and I've looked to different ones for advice on different things. Career-wise, I've learned from the best there is and I'll always be very grateful for that. I love my job and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Marriage-wise, well, I've not been as lucky.
I come from a big family. My grandma had seven children; four boys and three girls. I spent the first eight years of my life living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house with my grandma, mom, uncle, sister, brother and cousin. It wasn't bad, actually. When you don't know any different, it doesn't really bother you. My uncle is a single father and from the second my cousin was born he became completely focused on him. My mom is also a single parent of three kids and she did all she could for us. She still does. My uncle didn't go out much, but my mom would go out every now and then and try to have a personal life. She became engaged when we were six and my brother was five and her fiance just adored all of us. He couldn't wait to become a full-time father to us. Before they could set a date, he was killed in a hit and run on his way home from work. Obviously that was a big blow to my mom and things only got worse when my grandma died a few years later and it sent our living situation into total chaos. My mom's always been a wonderful role model on life in general. She's found the humor in just about everything, good or bad, and that's something the three of us all have inherited. She's never been married and yet she probably has the best views on the subject of anyone I know.
My other two aunts have had very different marriages, and their twins ironically enough. One was married years ago when my cousin was born and the second he knocked her around, she left him and took the kids. The other has been "married" for nearly 30 years to her "picnic sweetheart". They met when they were 17 at her best friend's family reunion and they have two kids and are ridiculously happy. Married is in quotes because they never actually filed any paperwork. They just had the big wedding (well, as big as they could at the time) and a family and never really felt like they needed anymore than that. They've had their issues but they've never considered splitting up. They always talk about being a team and working against the issues that come your way, instead of against each other and it obviously works for them.
The second youngest of the boys married twenty-some-odd years ago and they're happy. My Nino got married a few years ago, in his mid-40's, and so far, so good. That's saying something considering his older brother (the black sheep of the aunt/uncle clan) has been married three times. His first wedding was beautiful, judging from the photos; his second was in Vegas to some woman we'd only met one or two times and no one found out about it until their first anniversary when they had a big reception in the mountains. His current wife is..well, if you know me, you know that story but they go back a long ways and they seem very well matched in the sense that they both think they're right and you're wrong and if you feel otherwise, you just shouldn't talk to them. My uncle is very much like my grandma was, stubborn and "my way or you can go to hell" type attitude. In fact, when my grandma was in the hospital before her death, he showed up unexpectedly and her blood pressure shot up so high and so fast that the nurses were concerned. lol. After she died, he came around a lot more than he used to, usually with his new girlfriend and there were several. Some of them were really great, but you knew in the back of your mind that whomever you were having breakfast with that Sunday would be gone in a month. For some reason, he's the one I seem to think of when I think of marriage role models.
I don't know why he's the one that comes to mind, we're not close, never have been and probably never will be and I'm okay with that. He's the kind of family member that loves everyone in his life conditionally. He's not even speaking to his own children right now because they choose to have a different opinion on things than he does. Not that I blame them, he never was a good father. I've always worried about ending up like him, for some reason. I guess more because of the serial dating than anything else. I'm out of that now, thank God, and that makes me worry just a little bit less. But it still makes me wonder why he's the one that sticks out, when I do have a few other better examples.
I come from a big family. My grandma had seven children; four boys and three girls. I spent the first eight years of my life living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house with my grandma, mom, uncle, sister, brother and cousin. It wasn't bad, actually. When you don't know any different, it doesn't really bother you. My uncle is a single father and from the second my cousin was born he became completely focused on him. My mom is also a single parent of three kids and she did all she could for us. She still does. My uncle didn't go out much, but my mom would go out every now and then and try to have a personal life. She became engaged when we were six and my brother was five and her fiance just adored all of us. He couldn't wait to become a full-time father to us. Before they could set a date, he was killed in a hit and run on his way home from work. Obviously that was a big blow to my mom and things only got worse when my grandma died a few years later and it sent our living situation into total chaos. My mom's always been a wonderful role model on life in general. She's found the humor in just about everything, good or bad, and that's something the three of us all have inherited. She's never been married and yet she probably has the best views on the subject of anyone I know.
My other two aunts have had very different marriages, and their twins ironically enough. One was married years ago when my cousin was born and the second he knocked her around, she left him and took the kids. The other has been "married" for nearly 30 years to her "picnic sweetheart". They met when they were 17 at her best friend's family reunion and they have two kids and are ridiculously happy. Married is in quotes because they never actually filed any paperwork. They just had the big wedding (well, as big as they could at the time) and a family and never really felt like they needed anymore than that. They've had their issues but they've never considered splitting up. They always talk about being a team and working against the issues that come your way, instead of against each other and it obviously works for them.
The second youngest of the boys married twenty-some-odd years ago and they're happy. My Nino got married a few years ago, in his mid-40's, and so far, so good. That's saying something considering his older brother (the black sheep of the aunt/uncle clan) has been married three times. His first wedding was beautiful, judging from the photos; his second was in Vegas to some woman we'd only met one or two times and no one found out about it until their first anniversary when they had a big reception in the mountains. His current wife is..well, if you know me, you know that story but they go back a long ways and they seem very well matched in the sense that they both think they're right and you're wrong and if you feel otherwise, you just shouldn't talk to them. My uncle is very much like my grandma was, stubborn and "my way or you can go to hell" type attitude. In fact, when my grandma was in the hospital before her death, he showed up unexpectedly and her blood pressure shot up so high and so fast that the nurses were concerned. lol. After she died, he came around a lot more than he used to, usually with his new girlfriend and there were several. Some of them were really great, but you knew in the back of your mind that whomever you were having breakfast with that Sunday would be gone in a month. For some reason, he's the one I seem to think of when I think of marriage role models.
I don't know why he's the one that comes to mind, we're not close, never have been and probably never will be and I'm okay with that. He's the kind of family member that loves everyone in his life conditionally. He's not even speaking to his own children right now because they choose to have a different opinion on things than he does. Not that I blame them, he never was a good father. I've always worried about ending up like him, for some reason. I guess more because of the serial dating than anything else. I'm out of that now, thank God, and that makes me worry just a little bit less. But it still makes me wonder why he's the one that sticks out, when I do have a few other better examples.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
My Failed Engagement
I'm skipping ahead in my trail of failed relationships to the one that I know affected me the most. I was engaged awhile back to someone I'd been friends with for about eight years. We met in 1998 and became really good friends. There was nothing more to it, no one secretly lusted after anyone else. She was one of the people there for me when I woke up from the coma. That was a time in my life when I really weeded out who was a true friend and who wasn't, and even found some friends I didn't know I had. She was one of the good ones, or so I thought.
We ended up out on the road together, completely by the hands of fate. She wasn't supposed to go but at the last minute someone dropped out and I had to call her as a replacement. We were thrown together in close quarters and things were sort of falling apart with me and a few friends. We just saw things very differently and we didn't talk as much as we should have. So I turned to the next closest friend that was with me and it was her. We talked a lot, spent a ton of time together and after about a month, we started dating. Well, as much as we could given the circumstances. It went very well. Three months into our new relationship, and I remember this very clearly, we were in a hotel room at like 3 in the morning and she said. "I wanna marry you." Just like that. I was totally blown away. Six months into the whole thing, I proposed. I was sure that this was it.
I was wrong.
We never should've been engaged in the first place. I don't know why she said 'yes'. The little matter of her not wanting to have kids had been a sticking point for me early on since I want kids. But I was caught up in the relationship and decided to overlook that. I didn't think I could change her, I just put that part of my wish list in the back of my mind and forged ahead. So what if I never have kids, that's just how it was meant to be. We were engaged for two months and it was good. Everyone in our families got along and, for the most part, they were supportive. Then, come December of the same year, about 8 months after we'd started dating, she grew very, very distant and we didn't talk much. When we finally did, she said she was done and she left. I was floored and upset and had no clue why it'd happened that way. How could we just be done that quick?
I tried to get her back for a few months and then in March I heard from an acquaintance who'd been unaware of our relationship, that she was seeing someone she'd worked with in the past. And then, I heard she'd been seeing him for six years, but they'd just decided to make it public because he had been married up until that time. His divorce coincided with her leaving me. But she'd been seeing him all along. I went from sad to pissed off. I was more upset that she'd even agreed to marry me, knowing what she was doing, than the fact that she'd been cheating. True, we'd never actually gone through with it. In the months afterward I tried to get answers from her and they were always different; she cheated, she didn't cheat, I didn't understand. And the more I found out about her...other activities during out relationship, the more I fell into a sort of depression. It was like two different people, like I didn't even know this woman I was in love with. And just thinking about the real her and how she could do something like that made (makes) me sick. I didn't date for a year. I hooked up with ex's off and on while I was getting over it. And she continued to see the man who's marriage she'd ended. In fact, they're engaged now and have gone on about their lives as if none of this ever happened. Isn't that funny.
I used to be upset, even after I'd moved on, which took a very long time. But I don't know, I guess you realize that they'll get theirs and you move on. And I know things aren't as good as she lets on. I mean, once a cheater, always a cheater and they both did it so...whatever comes her way, she deserves. I don't usually think about it anymore. She's out of my life and I'm happy and I'm so glad I never married her, since I don't think I want to get married period. I learned from it. But I still wish it'd never happened.
We ended up out on the road together, completely by the hands of fate. She wasn't supposed to go but at the last minute someone dropped out and I had to call her as a replacement. We were thrown together in close quarters and things were sort of falling apart with me and a few friends. We just saw things very differently and we didn't talk as much as we should have. So I turned to the next closest friend that was with me and it was her. We talked a lot, spent a ton of time together and after about a month, we started dating. Well, as much as we could given the circumstances. It went very well. Three months into our new relationship, and I remember this very clearly, we were in a hotel room at like 3 in the morning and she said. "I wanna marry you." Just like that. I was totally blown away. Six months into the whole thing, I proposed. I was sure that this was it.
I was wrong.
We never should've been engaged in the first place. I don't know why she said 'yes'. The little matter of her not wanting to have kids had been a sticking point for me early on since I want kids. But I was caught up in the relationship and decided to overlook that. I didn't think I could change her, I just put that part of my wish list in the back of my mind and forged ahead. So what if I never have kids, that's just how it was meant to be. We were engaged for two months and it was good. Everyone in our families got along and, for the most part, they were supportive. Then, come December of the same year, about 8 months after we'd started dating, she grew very, very distant and we didn't talk much. When we finally did, she said she was done and she left. I was floored and upset and had no clue why it'd happened that way. How could we just be done that quick?
I tried to get her back for a few months and then in March I heard from an acquaintance who'd been unaware of our relationship, that she was seeing someone she'd worked with in the past. And then, I heard she'd been seeing him for six years, but they'd just decided to make it public because he had been married up until that time. His divorce coincided with her leaving me. But she'd been seeing him all along. I went from sad to pissed off. I was more upset that she'd even agreed to marry me, knowing what she was doing, than the fact that she'd been cheating. True, we'd never actually gone through with it. In the months afterward I tried to get answers from her and they were always different; she cheated, she didn't cheat, I didn't understand. And the more I found out about her...other activities during out relationship, the more I fell into a sort of depression. It was like two different people, like I didn't even know this woman I was in love with. And just thinking about the real her and how she could do something like that made (makes) me sick. I didn't date for a year. I hooked up with ex's off and on while I was getting over it. And she continued to see the man who's marriage she'd ended. In fact, they're engaged now and have gone on about their lives as if none of this ever happened. Isn't that funny.
I used to be upset, even after I'd moved on, which took a very long time. But I don't know, I guess you realize that they'll get theirs and you move on. And I know things aren't as good as she lets on. I mean, once a cheater, always a cheater and they both did it so...whatever comes her way, she deserves. I don't usually think about it anymore. She's out of my life and I'm happy and I'm so glad I never married her, since I don't think I want to get married period. I learned from it. But I still wish it'd never happened.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Pregnant, Engaged, Married
It wasn't until the last week or so that I began to think about where some of my many ex's have ended up (probably because of where I now find myself). More than half are engaged or married and a good few are pregnant or have kids already. It's not a total shock, I mean, most of my ex's are in their 30's and 40's (all except two of them, I believe). But this whole thought process comes from the fact that one of those who is expecting has an amazing effect on my life the last few years.
We met way back in 2001 when she happened upon a shoot I was a part of and we became friends. It was a fairly close friendship from the start, we had a lot of the same interests in where we wanted our careers to go. A while back I was coming off a broken engagement and she was there for me. A lot of people were there, but she's the one that helped me see everything very clearly. We had..I guess you'd call it a "fling" but it was more of a relationship than many I've been in. She's 16 years older than me, but it's never been a problem. We talked, a lot, about everything and anything I was going through. She had her stuff together, she wanted to be there to help me through a hard time. And she did. It was like having a therapist on call all the time, except she actually cared and actually knew me. I worked through so much during our few months together. She gave me a lot more than I'm sure she knows or would admit to today. She's due next month with her first child, a girl, who'll be my Goddaughter. I can't wait. I know she'll be a wonderful mother, she's one of those people who was just born to do that. And I will never be able to thank her enough for what she did for me.
We met way back in 2001 when she happened upon a shoot I was a part of and we became friends. It was a fairly close friendship from the start, we had a lot of the same interests in where we wanted our careers to go. A while back I was coming off a broken engagement and she was there for me. A lot of people were there, but she's the one that helped me see everything very clearly. We had..I guess you'd call it a "fling" but it was more of a relationship than many I've been in. She's 16 years older than me, but it's never been a problem. We talked, a lot, about everything and anything I was going through. She had her stuff together, she wanted to be there to help me through a hard time. And she did. It was like having a therapist on call all the time, except she actually cared and actually knew me. I worked through so much during our few months together. She gave me a lot more than I'm sure she knows or would admit to today. She's due next month with her first child, a girl, who'll be my Goddaughter. I can't wait. I know she'll be a wonderful mother, she's one of those people who was just born to do that. And I will never be able to thank her enough for what she did for me.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
The Accident
So..the big change. I was 21 when the SUV (read: death trap) I was driving was hit head-on by a drunk driver on a back road. It was about twenty minutes or so before anyone drove by and found the scene and called 911. The drunk driver died on impact. I got extremely lucky, which I didn't really realize until a few years ago. My left leg was mangled, to say the least. They made it very clear that they were doing what they could to make sure I didn't lose it, but the possibility was there for seven months and 18 surgeries. Fortunately, it worked out well enough that I still have it and, aside from the occasional bad day, it's in good shape. I head brain injuries and lost a good portion of my memory, which does get on my nerves but at least I still have a memory, right? Other than that, it was a lot of cuts and scratches. I was in a coma for two weeks. I was in and out of the O.R. for pressure on my brain. I woke up and it was just..a lot to take in. After I woke up, I focused on recovering as quick as I could because, for some reason, I thought that would change everything. That would bring back the girlfriend I lost. And of course it didn't.
I was in therapy for months, too many months. In a wheelchair, then on crutches and finally a cane. I became the one everyone was worried about in my family and I'd never been there before. I didn't like all of the offers for help or the "Are you okay?" comments, even though I knew they meant well. I put everything that happened that year on the back burner and threw myself into work. And then into relationships where I didn't apply myself much. And if I did, which was very rare, it didn't last long. I didn't even start to deal with any of it until last year. When I did...man, did it take a lot out of me. It still does to think of the enormity of it all and think of how early in life it was when it happened. The one thing I have come to terms with is that I was involved in an accident that killed another human being. It wasn't my fault, I know, and he chose to drink and drive, but it's rare that the so-called "innocent" party survives and the person who was drunk doesn't. Honestly, I wish he had survived too. Not so I could see him be punished or anything like that. But because I have spoken to his family and I know that, besides that one horrible error in judgement, he was essentially a good kid. And he was a kid, only 18 at the time. He was coming back from a graduation party. Everyone who loves me can't understand why I felt the need to know about him or why I don't feel any anger towards him. I can't really explain it in a way that'll make them understand. I guess part of it is the fact that we all suffered the aftermath together, they got the worst of it, I slept through the touch and go days. But only the other driver and I were actually there for the impact. And I don't remember any of that. I don't remember the day before that.
I know the two weeks I wasn't here were extremely hard on the people I love. Probably harder than it was for me to come in and out of so many procedures. I wish they didn't have to deal with all the uncertainty and with the aftermath of the last five years and my trying to cope. I know they don't mind being there for me, but, in a way, I don't like to burden them with just how bad some of the days are.
I was in therapy for months, too many months. In a wheelchair, then on crutches and finally a cane. I became the one everyone was worried about in my family and I'd never been there before. I didn't like all of the offers for help or the "Are you okay?" comments, even though I knew they meant well. I put everything that happened that year on the back burner and threw myself into work. And then into relationships where I didn't apply myself much. And if I did, which was very rare, it didn't last long. I didn't even start to deal with any of it until last year. When I did...man, did it take a lot out of me. It still does to think of the enormity of it all and think of how early in life it was when it happened. The one thing I have come to terms with is that I was involved in an accident that killed another human being. It wasn't my fault, I know, and he chose to drink and drive, but it's rare that the so-called "innocent" party survives and the person who was drunk doesn't. Honestly, I wish he had survived too. Not so I could see him be punished or anything like that. But because I have spoken to his family and I know that, besides that one horrible error in judgement, he was essentially a good kid. And he was a kid, only 18 at the time. He was coming back from a graduation party. Everyone who loves me can't understand why I felt the need to know about him or why I don't feel any anger towards him. I can't really explain it in a way that'll make them understand. I guess part of it is the fact that we all suffered the aftermath together, they got the worst of it, I slept through the touch and go days. But only the other driver and I were actually there for the impact. And I don't remember any of that. I don't remember the day before that.
I know the two weeks I wasn't here were extremely hard on the people I love. Probably harder than it was for me to come in and out of so many procedures. I wish they didn't have to deal with all the uncertainty and with the aftermath of the last five years and my trying to cope. I know they don't mind being there for me, but, in a way, I don't like to burden them with just how bad some of the days are.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Oh What A Tangled Web I've Weaved...
So....In the year 2003 I met someone who changed my life dramatically. I remember the first time I saw her, it was something out of a movie on my end. She was coming off of a bad divorce and I was still reeling from the loss of my girlfriend but we decided to date anyway. In hindsight, we probably should have waited for everything to settle but the connection was very strong so we pursued it. It was a very old-fashioned kind of courtship and I really enjoyed that part. We dated for about a year and a half but I can't say it every really felt completely right. And that was weird because I knew from the moment I met her that she was meant to be in my life for a long time, but we just couldn't get it together. I admit that a big part of our break-up was me and my insecurity about our 12-year age difference. But it was also about her wanting to have a family and my not being ready for that at that point in my life.
Flash forward to the year 2007 and you'll find the two of us seeing each other again. Nothing serious, no strings and both in very different places in our lives. And there's about to be a gigantic tie that will bind us for the rest of our lives - she's pregnant. That's right boys and girls, the guy who just began working on himself and his issues will be a father in April. I didn't know how to take it at first but now that I've had the time to process it...I feel good. I feel like the one thing that could possibly make this whole process difficult is...my little problem. Or my major problem, now that there's another life involved. And it's gonna be rough to work it all out in nine months, or at least most of it so I can be a good father. And I know this is not the best situation to bring a child into but this is how it's meant to be, I really believe that. So...fatherhood.
Flash forward to the year 2007 and you'll find the two of us seeing each other again. Nothing serious, no strings and both in very different places in our lives. And there's about to be a gigantic tie that will bind us for the rest of our lives - she's pregnant. That's right boys and girls, the guy who just began working on himself and his issues will be a father in April. I didn't know how to take it at first but now that I've had the time to process it...I feel good. I feel like the one thing that could possibly make this whole process difficult is...my little problem. Or my major problem, now that there's another life involved. And it's gonna be rough to work it all out in nine months, or at least most of it so I can be a good father. And I know this is not the best situation to bring a child into but this is how it's meant to be, I really believe that. So...fatherhood.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
AWWWW....
(Taken from a friend's blog):
The Study of a Love/Hate Relationship Pt. 3
My re-rebuttal...
There are very few people that I can say manage to actually make my day better without even trying, or realizing that they do. All it takes is for a conversation to start...and I know I can count on the joy that was missing from my day will eventually return at some point.
He happens to be one of those characters that I've been lucky enough to find and by chance no less. I get irritated from time to time and I wonder what purpose I have in still being around...(and this is probably the only hang-up I have about this whole thing) because I feel what he goes through and I don't know how to help him sometimes.
I have unshakeble respect, love and trust in this person (believe me he's earned it puttin' up with all my nonsense over the years) and it's maddening...this...wanting to make things better and not being able to...and sometimes I can't help but get the feeling like if the help or opportunities were there, he wouldn't take them. As I said, it's just a feeling of mine...it might not necessarily be fact.
What else can I say? Through all the smack-talking and arguing (which I secretly enjoy) sometimes he's the one that gets me through my day when it all goes to pot...which means he saves my ass pretty much on a constant basis without even knowing it.
The Study of a Love/Hate Relationship Pt. 3
My re-rebuttal...
There are very few people that I can say manage to actually make my day better without even trying, or realizing that they do. All it takes is for a conversation to start...and I know I can count on the joy that was missing from my day will eventually return at some point.
He happens to be one of those characters that I've been lucky enough to find and by chance no less. I get irritated from time to time and I wonder what purpose I have in still being around...(and this is probably the only hang-up I have about this whole thing) because I feel what he goes through and I don't know how to help him sometimes.
I have unshakeble respect, love and trust in this person (believe me he's earned it puttin' up with all my nonsense over the years) and it's maddening...this...wanting to make things better and not being able to...and sometimes I can't help but get the feeling like if the help or opportunities were there, he wouldn't take them. As I said, it's just a feeling of mine...it might not necessarily be fact.
What else can I say? Through all the smack-talking and arguing (which I secretly enjoy) sometimes he's the one that gets me through my day when it all goes to pot...which means he saves my ass pretty much on a constant basis without even knowing it.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
The Study of a Love/Hate Relationship Pt. 2
Thus far, I know my blogs have gone in order and followed a pattern but I need to take a second to post a rebuttal to a good friend of mine who posted a blog with this very same title. I don't use names, but she knows who she is.
I don't remember how we met or why we met but we've gotten along well since then. We talk about everything and anything, and she knows...well, enough about me to bring me down quickly should I ever run for election of a public office. lol. She makes me laugh. She makes me mad. She makes me think. Honestly, if circumstances were different and I liked "rookies" (lol, I had to), we could potentially be a good couple.
She understands me and my moods. She doesn't care about my shortcomings or past conquests. She helps me deal with stuff sometimes. We argue quite a bit and probably could argue for hours, if one of us didn't have to stop for food all the time. The thing is, for me, it's not really love/hate or even love/mildly hate. Some days I get up and one of the first things on my mind is what our topic of conversation will be. Other days, I just do not have the energy for the fight we would most likely get into. But those days are few, of late.
I don't know her full, honest opinion of me and I probably never will. I know she cares enough to listen to me ramble some days. And I know that I care, more than she knows, about what she goes through. We joke about who wants who and call eachother names (bastard, rookie, etc.), but I think, when you break it all down, there is genuine respect and caring somewhere deep down. There would have to be to put up with eachother this long.
Bottom line, we fight, and scratch and scream but at the end of the day, yeah, we love one another. Maybe she's still blind to the fact that I am her knight in shining armor but, no biggie, her loss..there are plenty of other maidens in the town square that won't say no. lol. ;p So, in closing to my rebuttal, I will say - 'Let's Get It On' lol
I don't remember how we met or why we met but we've gotten along well since then. We talk about everything and anything, and she knows...well, enough about me to bring me down quickly should I ever run for election of a public office. lol. She makes me laugh. She makes me mad. She makes me think. Honestly, if circumstances were different and I liked "rookies" (lol, I had to), we could potentially be a good couple.
She understands me and my moods. She doesn't care about my shortcomings or past conquests. She helps me deal with stuff sometimes. We argue quite a bit and probably could argue for hours, if one of us didn't have to stop for food all the time. The thing is, for me, it's not really love/hate or even love/mildly hate. Some days I get up and one of the first things on my mind is what our topic of conversation will be. Other days, I just do not have the energy for the fight we would most likely get into. But those days are few, of late.
I don't know her full, honest opinion of me and I probably never will. I know she cares enough to listen to me ramble some days. And I know that I care, more than she knows, about what she goes through. We joke about who wants who and call eachother names (bastard, rookie, etc.), but I think, when you break it all down, there is genuine respect and caring somewhere deep down. There would have to be to put up with eachother this long.
Bottom line, we fight, and scratch and scream but at the end of the day, yeah, we love one another. Maybe she's still blind to the fact that I am her knight in shining armor but, no biggie, her loss..there are plenty of other maidens in the town square that won't say no. lol. ;p So, in closing to my rebuttal, I will say - 'Let's Get It On' lol
Monday, September 3, 2007
The Intro
Okay, so I've been blogging off and on for a few years now. But I always became too lazy to keep up with everything, between school and work and a, well, very active social life. But this time, I think I can stick to it, mainly because I have to.I love to write and I've had a lot of friends who get a kick out of reading my views on things I've gone through in my life. I don't tend to describe everything in a serious manner all the time. I think you need to see the humor in life, no matter how bad the situation may seem. I've done a lot in life. More than I ever thought I would do, some things I never thought I would do. I've had a lot of friendships and, and many, many romantic relationships.
At first, I didn't think that I'd been involved with anymore people than some of my friends. Then, we talked about all this and well...yeah, I've been around. It's not like I've ever intended to date the whole team, just kinda happened. My weakness in life has always been women. For as far back as I can remember, that's been my downfall. Don't get me wrong, I won't do just anything that walks by, I'm not a "typical guy" in that sense. But if I come across someone I like and she likes me and etc., etc... *sigh* it's always been an issue.
I enjoyed my escapades in the beginning. I was 12 when I had my first kiss. It was akward, especially since she's like a sister to me now. I was 14 when I fell in love for the first time, and this was actual love, we're talking..possibly the love of my life here. She was my sister's best friend and we just clicked from minute one. We spent a long time together. Some people have called it a love/hate relationship, but it wasn't. It was a difficult relationship at times though. She was amazing, but then there would be this other side that came out and it was ugly. I didn't wanna be around her when that side was there. We fought a lot sometimes, we were both very passionate people, but you always knew in the back of your mind that you loved one another. We eventually got it together and spent an amazing, fight-free year together. We were insanely close friends, through everything and anything that came either of our ways. We had the best lunch together one week before she passed in 2002 (the beginning of the worst years of my life, more on that later). She's a big part of why I've become such a great writer in the first place. I miss her. Our kind of friendship is not something that comes along everyday. Maybe it'll never come along again. But I'm glad I had it once in my life. I believe it was the end of this relationship that sent me on the questionable decisions tour I've been on the last 10 years.
At first, I didn't think that I'd been involved with anymore people than some of my friends. Then, we talked about all this and well...yeah, I've been around. It's not like I've ever intended to date the whole team, just kinda happened. My weakness in life has always been women. For as far back as I can remember, that's been my downfall. Don't get me wrong, I won't do just anything that walks by, I'm not a "typical guy" in that sense. But if I come across someone I like and she likes me and etc., etc... *sigh* it's always been an issue.
I enjoyed my escapades in the beginning. I was 12 when I had my first kiss. It was akward, especially since she's like a sister to me now. I was 14 when I fell in love for the first time, and this was actual love, we're talking..possibly the love of my life here. She was my sister's best friend and we just clicked from minute one. We spent a long time together. Some people have called it a love/hate relationship, but it wasn't. It was a difficult relationship at times though. She was amazing, but then there would be this other side that came out and it was ugly. I didn't wanna be around her when that side was there. We fought a lot sometimes, we were both very passionate people, but you always knew in the back of your mind that you loved one another. We eventually got it together and spent an amazing, fight-free year together. We were insanely close friends, through everything and anything that came either of our ways. We had the best lunch together one week before she passed in 2002 (the beginning of the worst years of my life, more on that later). She's a big part of why I've become such a great writer in the first place. I miss her. Our kind of friendship is not something that comes along everyday. Maybe it'll never come along again. But I'm glad I had it once in my life. I believe it was the end of this relationship that sent me on the questionable decisions tour I've been on the last 10 years.
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