So..the big change. I was 21 when the SUV (read: death trap) I was driving was hit head-on by a drunk driver on a back road. It was about twenty minutes or so before anyone drove by and found the scene and called 911. The drunk driver died on impact. I got extremely lucky, which I didn't really realize until a few years ago. My left leg was mangled, to say the least. They made it very clear that they were doing what they could to make sure I didn't lose it, but the possibility was there for seven months and 18 surgeries. Fortunately, it worked out well enough that I still have it and, aside from the occasional bad day, it's in good shape. I head brain injuries and lost a good portion of my memory, which does get on my nerves but at least I still have a memory, right? Other than that, it was a lot of cuts and scratches. I was in a coma for two weeks. I was in and out of the O.R. for pressure on my brain. I woke up and it was just..a lot to take in. After I woke up, I focused on recovering as quick as I could because, for some reason, I thought that would change everything. That would bring back the girlfriend I lost. And of course it didn't.
I was in therapy for months, too many months. In a wheelchair, then on crutches and finally a cane. I became the one everyone was worried about in my family and I'd never been there before. I didn't like all of the offers for help or the "Are you okay?" comments, even though I knew they meant well. I put everything that happened that year on the back burner and threw myself into work. And then into relationships where I didn't apply myself much. And if I did, which was very rare, it didn't last long. I didn't even start to deal with any of it until last year. When I did...man, did it take a lot out of me. It still does to think of the enormity of it all and think of how early in life it was when it happened. The one thing I have come to terms with is that I was involved in an accident that killed another human being. It wasn't my fault, I know, and he chose to drink and drive, but it's rare that the so-called "innocent" party survives and the person who was drunk doesn't. Honestly, I wish he had survived too. Not so I could see him be punished or anything like that. But because I have spoken to his family and I know that, besides that one horrible error in judgement, he was essentially a good kid. And he was a kid, only 18 at the time. He was coming back from a graduation party. Everyone who loves me can't understand why I felt the need to know about him or why I don't feel any anger towards him. I can't really explain it in a way that'll make them understand. I guess part of it is the fact that we all suffered the aftermath together, they got the worst of it, I slept through the touch and go days. But only the other driver and I were actually there for the impact. And I don't remember any of that. I don't remember the day before that.
I know the two weeks I wasn't here were extremely hard on the people I love. Probably harder than it was for me to come in and out of so many procedures. I wish they didn't have to deal with all the uncertainty and with the aftermath of the last five years and my trying to cope. I know they don't mind being there for me, but, in a way, I don't like to burden them with just how bad some of the days are.
