She passed away yesterday afternoon on her own and I haven't thought about anything else since I heard. I decided not to go down and see her because...there was/is just a lot of things that need to be sorted out in my head. I had a day off and I spent it with friends trying to not think constantly about what was going on. It still came up over lunch but what can you do. I got home late and had a message on the phone that she was gone and it just..ugh, I don't know. I didn't feel like doing anything all night so I didn't. I was up most of the night, not alone, thankfully, but I just feel like hell this morning and God knows I look like it. I wish I could call in and just lay around the house but I can't.
The worst thing is that I can't get past the fact she died alone. I mean, not in the hospital, she had one of her daughters and grand daughters there with her, but at her house. They almost couldn't get her back and they believe at least two of her organs had failed by then. She was technically brain dead already and I think once the brain is gone, you're gone essentially. She deserved so much better than that. She has six daughters, all in different parts of the States and only the one who lives in the same town bothered to show up. That's just wrong. There isn't going to be any kind of service, apparently, because she donated her body to science. That's been keeping me up too. Not that I have anything against science, but I've seen what happens after a body is donated.It's just frustration. I'm tired of losing people and I'm tired of always being the one that everyone has to worry about. And I know it has to change...