Might Date Another Race or Color

Something else that went down at yesterday's birthday festivities was a fairly heated conversation between a friend and an acquaintance that also somehow involved me. The friend has been relatively unlucky in love and just recently began dating again after the end of a long-term relationship. She is incredibly picky and so far has been on five dates with five different dudes, all of them of a different ethnic background. She didn't plan it that way, that's just how it happened. The acquaintance (whom we'll refer to as 'AQ' the rest of this post cuz I'm lazy this morning) is engaged to be married in a few weeks and has never dated anyone of a different ethnic background.
So the friend starts talking about her last date and how it went well and he was a nice guy but he didn't want kids, which is something she very much wants (and soon). Out of nowhere AQ makes a comment about how the friend doesn't seem to 'like' dating 'her own' anymore. The friend, clearly and understandably annoyed by this, tried to diffuse the situation and change the subject and said race didn't matter to her. But AQ couldn't let it go and asked what was wrong with only dating one's own race and the friend replied that nothing was wrong with it but that she didn't see the need to cut herself off from any group of people for any reason. AQ persisted in asking for even more clarification and the friend decided to use me as an example and pointed out that I've dated every color under the sun and race has never been an issue in the relationship. AQ asked if I also date people of my own race and seemed genuinely surprised when I said that I do. It was almost as if she thought it has to be one way or the other; you date only your own or you don't, no middle ground.
Then it got ugly. AQ made a totally uncalled for comment suggesting that if the friend fell in love with a dude of another race and they had a kid, that kid would never have a clear sense of who they were because they were mixed race. I considered just walking away but didn't wanna leave the friend to deal with this on her own so I pointed out that I have a child who is of a mixed background (something AQ didn't know) and that I would have another one in a heartbeat, cuz color doesn't matter to me. Then she launched into how my having another child with someone of yet another background would only make things worse because there'd be an even greater mix of colors in this new blended family. I see that as a beautiful thing, not bad. At that point, my cousin happened upon the heated discussion and diffused it but I think everyone left pretty pissed off. One was mad because of the 'mixing' going on in the world, another cuz she realized she had a friend so close minded and me cuz I can't stand when people make a big deal about race or insult my child.
Last night I was replaying this whole thing in my head and realized that I don't have a single friend who has a child that is 100% anything. And I actually think that's pretty cool. You love who you love and you can't change that. And if you're in love with someone of a different race then you've obviously thought about having children with them and you know those kids would be mixed and you're fine with it. My daughter isn't gonna lack a clear identity just because of her mixed awesomeness (nor is any other mixed kid). If anything, she's gonna have a greater sense of self because she's gonna learn about all the things in her from both sides of the family. And she's gonna learn that the color of her skin is a part of who she is but it isn't all of who she is. I don't think she's at all aware that she's mixed yet and, if we do our job right, even when she does become aware it won't matter much. It's just skin. And I would rather she be comfortable in her own skin than care about what color it is.

Child's Play

One of my favorite people in the universe turned 31 today and had a party to celebrate the occasion. I brought my daughter along for the festivities and about halfway through the afternoon noticed her engaged in seemingly deep conversation with another little girl. I decided to take a seat nearby, out of their view, so I could listen in on what she found so fascinating. Her little friend was going on and on about how she was going to have a little sister in three months time and how that was the coolest thing ever. Then the friend (older than my girl by about two years) asked my daughter why she did not yet have a little sister. I was hoping to hear some kinda clever comeback like she didn't want one because she didn't wanna share her toys. What I heard instead was, "I'm gonna ask my daddy." *sigh*
The rest of the afternoon went without incident; she had a blast with her friends, took a nap without a fight (a minor miracle these days) and didn't object when I decided it was time for us to leave. I had hoped she'd forgotten about her little convo but apparently not because on the ride home she suddenly asked why she doesn't have a little sister. I asked why she wanted one but she just kinda stared off into the distance and didn't answer. Then my girl went for the gold and asked if she could have a little sister. I didn't really know how to answer that but then I remembered when I was a kid and asked for something complicated, my mom would always say, 'We'll see'. (As the sibs and I got older we learned that typically meant 'No'). But my girl didn't interpret it as a no because not even a second after the words 'we'll see' left my lips, she let out a cheer and said, "Yay! I'm getting a little sister!". *sigh again*

Crawling In My Skin

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference"

Sound familiar? Well, it's often used for addicts who are in recovery (I'm not one of those but I have friends in recovery, which is where I heard this). But it's kinda appropriate here since I recently decided to try and change some of the things I don't like about myself. Maybe it's the raging stubborn Taurus in me, but I think I could change all of them if I really applied myself. (What's that you say? I have yet to find that whole wisdom thing? Yeah, probably. But I'm mere months away from that number I shall not mention so maybe wisdom will make an appearance then). I loathe change. Lemme try that again with more emphasis - I loathe change. If I could underline that statement, I would. But, unlike when I was a younger lad, I now realize that change is an integral part of life so there's little use in fighting it when it happens. Do I still try to fight? Hell yeah. But not as valiantly as I did before. I still don't know exactly when to wave the white flag but I'm learning and, even more importantly, I'm teaching my daughter how to accept change. (Girl is like my carbon copy in a lot of ways, so she'll probably wrestle with change quite a bit too).
I've decided the first thing I wanna try and tackle is this defense mechanism of deflecting questions/comments that I don't like. I can be the king of deflection when I wanna be and I always knew it was a problem but I didn't realize how much it affected things. I've been trying this taking-my-walls-down thing for, oh, about 14 hours now. What have I learned so far? Vulnerability sucks. Vulnerability sucks more than I sucked in my last post. And I knew it would suck cuz I've obviously had moments of intense vulnerability at certain points in my life. But I didn't realize how wildly uncomfortable I would feel in taking down my walls. I've found myself literally squirming A LOT in these past 14 hours. Everyone says this intense discomfort will go away as I get deeper into the process but...yeah...I'll believe that when it happens. But I am proud of myself for not slamming those walls back up yet. I've considered it and put up mini walls a couple of times but hey, nobody's perfect. So I'm gonna try and charge ahead with this new and uncomfortable project and hope it takes. I'm gonny try and be open and straight up about as many things as possible. And I'm gonna say what I think and feel without over thinking or over feeling it first. Curious to see how that goes.

And When The Sky Was Opened...

I had a rough night. Actually, it's been a bit of a rough couple of days so maybe it just all caught up with me last night/this morning. You know how it suddenly hits you that there's a common theme to the end of all your relationships and you start thinking about how you'd like to change that? Yeah, well I'm there. So early this morning there I am going over stuff in my head and I realize that there is one thing that has been a major player in every single relationship I have ever had. It's been thrown out time and again in arguments, in break-ups, during moments of questioning. It's been brought up to me time again, though not as blindingly as it was last night. And I should have been mad as hell at that point of realization because it's something that's ended a lot of very promising relationships in my life. But I wasn't really mad. I was just kinda...puzzled. How could I not have realized this is a problem sooner? I must have fallen asleep while still in my puzzled state cuz the next thing I remember I was waking up and the mad as hell feeling had finally made its appearance.
I think I'm mad as hell because I don't know how to fix this one. I don't know how to change it and I don't know how to go about figuring out how to fix it or change it. Even worse, it's a pretty crushing blow to think about how many people may have fallen victim to that part of my personality. And even though I've always very much been a relationship person, it's a big thing for me to now realize that I just flat out suck at relationships in general. I thought I'd become better at maintaining them post-accident because I'd finally realized how important that was. But no. I'm no better than I was before my foundation was rocked. And while I'm being completely honest (and why not be at this point), I was probably a much better human being in general pre-accident. Not just because I was younger and more idealistic but because I knew how to open up to people. How one loses that ability, I don't know. How one gets it back is the million dollar question for me at this point. I could go on raking myself over the coals but it won't change anything and it won't make me feel any better. But I don't like feeling the way I do right now. So, in closing, I suck.

I'm Gonna Fall Before I Fly

I was a bit of an enigma growing up (and in many ways still am); I was a painfully shy kid out in public but would talk the ears off of my family when I was at home. Didn't matter what I was talking about, as long as I was talking. I think my mom assumed that once I went off to school and started to make friends I would come out of my shell but it never really went that way. I always had a small circle of friends but I had very few people, friends or family, that I really let in. I don't know if it was some weird fear of intimacy or what but even if I was really close to someone, there was like this defense mechanism that kicked in and made me take two steps back. Since this mechanism has been alive and kicking since way before I was hurt of let down, I'm thinking it's more the intimacy fear than any past hurt.
Nothing like a near-death experience to knock you back down to earth, right? Must be true since since it wasn't until post-accident that I finally learned to let people help me and let myself trust in people. I can honestly say that entire first year of my recovery was the most unguarded I've been in my entire life. I was too depressed to care what anyone thought or how close anyone got to me. It was almost as if it was too much effort to start to put up a defense. And it woulda been great if I'd learned to keep living that way once I got myself straight. But I guess it's harder than it looks cuz here I am realizing how far I've regressed in that area. And I can't help but kinda kick myself for that cuz I know it's a horrible trait to have.
While we're on the list of traits that drive me crazy, why not throw that whole 'me and my big mouth' one into the fray. Actually it's more like my big mouth and me since I often speak before I think. And really that's a lie cuz I usually do think (and over-think) before I say something, but for some reason I say it anyway. Most of what I spout is meant to be funny and usually is but every now and then, and at an alarming frequency of late, something comes out completely wrong and hurts and/or offends somebody. I don't like hurting people's feelings at all but I think I'm different than most in that I realize it's gonna happen anyway so, as long as I'm not going out of my way to do it (which I don't), I shouldn't feel so bad about it. But obviously I do still feel bad about it. I don't know, I guess it's that whole enigma business again.
So how does one stop from speaking in a manner that offends? Well I know I don't wanna curb it completely, that wouldn't be any fun at all. But I guess it comes down to being more aware of what I'm thinking about saying. (Is it just me or is 'aware' becoming like a theme word in my posts lately?). How does one go about shutting down that two steps back, too close defense mechanism mentality? That is...a question I don't have the answer for. It seems so simple; if you don't wanna be afraid of intimacy, then don't be afraid. But of course nothing can ever be that easy.

"Saved"

In the past week or so, I've had three conversations on the topic of religion. The first one kinda prompted the next two, it was a convo where some wires seemed to get crossed about how each of us felt on the subject. Fortunately it all got cleared up later on but it got me wondering if I give off some kinda vibe that's anti-religion. So I asked another friend that very question (if he thinks I'm anti-religion) and the response was, "You're not?". I asked one more friend about it, a friend who I think brought me closer to my faith in some ways, and she said she got that vibe from me years ago but not anymore. So basically all three had or have the same opinion. And in one way, they're all right - I did used to be against anything involving religion.
I've said before I was raised Catholic but strayed from it in high school because I didn't like the way people seemed to abuse their beliefs or only claim their religion during bad times. I started studying a number of different religions on my own in high school but wasn't close to choosing one. Then came the loss of the girlfriend and the accident and recovery process, during which I abandoned what was left of my Catholic beliefs. This is the point where I began having major beef with both the man upstairs and anybody who told me what I was going through was 'god's will'. In the immediate aftermath of a crisis or having lost somebody (or both), some people turn to their faith for answers and that's how they get through it. But other people need more than the standard, 'everything for a reason' or 'they're in a better place now' explanations. And the more people who offer those explanations, the more upset it makes the person actually going through the drama. I was one of those who needed more.
Even though I began studying religion again a few months into my recovery, it took me years to finally find something that worked for me and it turns out it isn't really a religion so much as a way of life. I totally lost faith in everything post-accident and it took a lot of energy and time to get it back but I can finally say I'm there. I don't really have a name for what my beliefs are now, nor do I think it's important that I find one. I know what I believe and the people close to me (for the most part) know the basics and are really just happy I believe in anything at all, given all that happened. Hell, I'm happy I believe in anything at all after that. I guess I just didn't realize how sensitive a topic religion can be, even with people who aren't particularly religious.
I don't have a religion and I have no problem saying that, it's what works for me. But I do have faith and, for me, that's much more important. I think everyone should find what works for them and pursue that path, cuz it's the only way you're gonna ultimately find peace. I feel the same way about people who go to religious services; it's not for me but if it works for you, then have at it. I think part of me worried while having these convos that maybe I wasn't as tolerant religion-wise as I thought but now I know that's not true. I have friends who are every faith under the sun; Christian, Born-Again Christian, Catholic, Buddhist, Jewish, Agnostic, Mormon, Wiccan (I don't know what the hell it is either but I still love and support the friend who rocks it) and a few friends who don't feel the need to define what they are, like me. I think belief in something is a very important element of a person. But I also think it's one of the more personal parts of who we are and some people aren't comfortable sharing that, and that's fine.

I Need You Now, Do You Think You Can Cope?

I have no shortage of blog entries declaring my love for and appreciation of my family. I really am lucky in that department and I know not everyone gets the same kind of support I do so I generally don't let little nagging things some of them say about the way I live my life get to me. But the one thing that is not at all a strength of my family (and I'm talking pretty much up and down the entire line) is discussing our feelings. I'm not sure if it's just that everyone assumes no one else needs to talk about how they feel and so we don't or if we all seek those conversations elsewhere. But from what I can remember of my childhood, I never really felt like I could 100% let out how I was feeling about anything. However I don't think that's because we were discouraged from doing so (if that makes any sense). I can remember the night my grandma died and walking the halls with my aunt in total silence. But to her credit she was trying to get me to talk about how I felt that time, so maybe it's not the entire family. Making this whole thing even weirder is that we're generally a very loving and affectionate bunch so you'd think feelings talk would be no big deal.
Never was this lack of discussing our feelings more apparent than in the aftermath of my accident. I remember waking up after my two weeks in limbo and sensing this weird vibe in the room, nothing I can even really explain. It's like I knew everything had changed but I couldn't comprehend what that meant yet. But as time went on I realized that my accident and the personality changes it brought about were like the elephant in the room. Every time I tried to bring it up, people had somewhere else to be or something they needed to do so they could avoid having that convo with me. Some family members I can't blame at all though. The stress of my accident sent my sister into premature labor so while I was lying in a hospital bed unconscious, she was two floors down in the NICU (and my mom was between the two of us so you can imagine how hellish that was). Because no one wanted to talk to me about it, I internalized a lot of my feelings and I wrote a lot. What I didn't know at that time was that writing things down was no longer enough for me to work through stuff, I also needed to talk about how I was feeling. But instead of speaking up and saying I was in pain and I needed to have those conversations, I just decided that if it made them that uncomfortable to talk about, I just shouldn't bring it up. Even now, that period of my life is sort of made to feel like some big secret that we're not supposed to talk about.
I was explaining all of this to a friend the other day and after taking it all in she said she felt like I was let down by my family in the aftermath of it all. Nobody knows how to talk about something like that, even now a lot of people don't know what to say when I tell them about it so I can imagine what it was like right after it happened. But her point being that there are ways to get educated about how to have that conversation and how to help that person through such a tough time. When I first heard her say this I was totally taken aback and my first instinct (of course) was to defend my family. But I didn't do that. I stopped for a second and considered what she said and I've been thinking about it ever since. And I've come to the conclusion that she's right on some (and maybe all) level(s). I mean, the first person I really truly got to let everything out to was an acquaintance who didn't even have to show up at the hospital at all (and I am eternally grateful for her lending her ear). If not for her then I don't know with whom and when I would've been able to get that stuff off of my chest. That doesn't seem right somehow. And I think that not being able to be open about what I was going through at the time still affects me in some key ways.
It's crazy how stuff comes full circle and this little realization about having been let down comes at a time when I'm pulling my hair out over the laundry list of bad decisions a cousin is making. I've written about him before (including my last, scattered post) and how we've always had a complicated relationship but I think our troubles really started after my accident. He was one of those I thought was down for the ride, no matter what the ride entailed, but he went MIA post-accident. Most of the fam did what they could to help me during my recovery, but he suddenly didn't come around anymore and didn't call much. This went on for about a year or so before we finally started connecting again. Then we had another falling out which was completely unintentional on my part but I think he perceived it to be my getting back at him for not being there for me. So we didn't talk much for another six months and that was tough because it was at a time when I was telling everyone how I felt (good or bad) cuz I had learned life was too short. For a long time I really wanted and tried to form a close relationship with him again. But then I realized that he is set in his ways and his views and his opinions on how I live my life are almost always negative. It's never, "I don't agree with your decision but I support you" like the majority of the family, it's always, "I think this is wrong and if you do this I might not talk to you". Meanwhile, I'm always supportive of his decisions even though I don't agree with most of them. Maybe that's just how it was always meant to be, I'm slowly starting to accept that now.
So I guess my point is that yes, I do think I was let down in many ways by my family during that time. But I'm not bitter about it (I don't do grudges, they're a waste of energy), and I don't blame them for the downward spiral I ended up in. That was a nightmare largely of my own making. It's all kinda water under the bridge now for me because it's not like we can change how things were handled. I see how it could've been handled and how it was handled and I wish they were one and the same but they're not and that's just how it is. Can't change it so I might as well accept it. I guess there are just so many more dimensions to the accident and the fallout than I still realize there could ever be and it's interesting to think about.

Useful Life Lesson I Never Wanted to but HAD To Learn # 3,720 *Updated*

A friend of mine wrote a note on FB awhile back about how you can't fix people, change people...I don't remember it all exactly but I do remember she worded it in a very poetic way and I meant to save it but didn't. And I wish I had because it would be the one thing I'd post right now so that a certain someone could understand my feelings at this exact moment.

*Update - Found the above mentioned note*

"There are people on this planet that you:
-cannot help
-cannot save
-cannot protect
-cannot change
-hell, even point in the right direction.

Even when they know it is for their own good. We may feel the urge to continue to hope and hover nearby. But once they start to show signs of digging their heels in and continue down the same path, that's the point where perhaps it is best if you step back and they have to take their own spills and figure it out for themselves."

Yeah...

Crossroads

A few posts back when I was going over past decade of my life and the hits and misses I neglected to mention one very important thing I was proud of, which is my work. It's not like I work in an industry that makes the world a better place or anything, but I'm still very proud of what I've accomplished. Especially since I didn't screw anybody over to get to where I did. I've been able to do more than I ever thought I would and I've met some amazing people in the process. Actually most of the big events in my life seem to tie to my work in some way (meeting the mother of my child, for example), which I guess is inevitable when you work as much as I used to. It's almost a year since my last job in my previous industry ended and although I loved it (and would still be there today if the job were still there) I was kinda ready for a break from it. But damn if this industry isn't like the mob and keeps pulling you back in.
The timing of the end of that job coincided with the arrival of my daughter for her summer-long stay with me so it was a no-brainer that I wanted to take time off to be with her. And that worked out awesome and I'm so glad I did it. Since then I've been working in a similar industry but in a totally different capacity than I've ever done before and I've enjoyed it but I've also felt like it's just been killing time. I've been thinking about what I really wanna do. Do I wanna go back to school? Very much so but it's a long commitment and poses other challenges. Do I wanna pursue music minus a degree? I'm not sure, it's kinda lost its luster the past little while and the hours aren't always kid-friendly. So that would leave my old industry as a possibility, right? I wouldn't have thought so until today.
I'm currently in the land of a thousand exes and apparently also a thousand career opportunities. Granted it's in a town where everybody wants to give you something as long as you're willing to give too but still I'm surprised at some of the offers I've been fielding the past 48 hours. One in particular could seriously be my dream job and the offer came by way of a work acquaintance I hadn't seen in forever. I don't know man, I'm suddenly very nervous about the career side of things and I've never felt that way before. It's interesting but scary. Made even weirder by the fact that the last time I was interviewing for work (which was right out of college), I didn't have to consider what would work out best for the kid. You know...there may be some truth to those, 'having a baby changes everything' commercials after all.

...Leaving Nothing But A Trail of Broken Hearts Behind

A close friend of mine and I were talking about relationships and the how both of us seem to need a little work on how we deal with such matters. The basic question being why we seem to be able to so easily drop one person when we find someone else we're interested in. I mean, that's not normal, right? It's never done in a mean spirited way. It's done more in an...ADD kind of way (for me) and maybe even a subconscious kind of way. It's not necessarily a bad trait to not be able to date more than one person at a time. But the way we go about it is the problem. My friend put it this way, "Years down the road we're gonna end up with 'My Name is Earl' lists of girls and guys that you and I have to go door to door and apologize to". Everything in me wanted to argue that statement but I realized she's probably right. (We also determined that given my daughter will likely be old enough to sell girl scout cookies by the time these door to door meetings take place, we might have to take her with us so that "people don't shoot us on sight".)
I've openly admitted that I have a tendency to go girl to girl when I date. For a long time it was about escapism; if I didn't like what one had to say about my issues, I'd end the relationship with some other lame excuse. I don't know how many knew that the entire relationship had been built on so flimsy a foundation that one mention of all the bad stuff I was doing to myself could implode it all in a heartbeat. I thought back to the actual moments during which I'd ended these affairs and realized something I didn't really know before - I was a bastard. I think I told myself that they knew I was damaged going in so they shouldn't have been surprised when it ended. And for a long time that justified the behavior in my head but I think I always knew that it wasn't right. It's like I just now realized what a gigantic ass I must have been in a lot of those break-ups. And that is going to karmically kick my ass for years to come (and I deserve every punch that's landed). Obviously I should have tried to correct the behavior then but I didn't and so it just kept repeating, something that still happens today.
I felt bad that I couldn't help my friend solve her problem but I also realized that I have absolutely no clue how to go about doing that for myself either. I know it sounds so simple; if the goal is to not hurt people and drift from one person to the next, then just don't do any of those things fool. But it's actually much harder, especially because it's so ingrained in me after having done it for so long. The only thing I can think of that could be a start to changing it is being more conscious of what I'm doing while I'm in the moment. Which means remembering to be conscious in that moment, and memory is hit and miss for me. But I guess if it's important enough to me, I'll figure out a way to remember, right?

I'll Keep You My Dirty Little Secret

"I'm new to this..."
"I'm not sure why I'm here..."
"I don't normally do this..."

I know that the world we live in still places some kind of stigma on dating websites and the people who choose to use them. I don't know why that is since it's basically just using technology to find new friends and maybe more. Why should that be considered a bad thing? I've only ever been on two dating sites in my life, neither of which are advertised on television. They're both kind of under the radar sites that I found through friends even though I had no intention of being on them. The first site I was on was one that somehow had become popular amongst my college classmates, primarily because it offered all kinds of fun tests and quizzes to take. Of course they made you sign up to get your results and they gave you a profile with questions about what you were looking for so before you knew it, you were a member of a dating website. Being that we were all college kids and really didn't care what anyone thought of us, no one cared they were on such a site, I was only on it for the tests (or as my best friend put it, 'to see what was wrong' with me since I was single at the time). Eventually we all forgot about it because it changed its format to compete with other pure dating sites and got rid of the quizzes and then folded altogether out of the blue one day.
Flash forward to the year that was 2010 and you'll find me back on a dating website, though not for the reasons you'd think. A friend of mine had signed up and told me about it and I wanted to see what her profile looked like but I couldn't unless I signed up. So I did, thinking I could just delete it when I was done checking out the friend's profile. Instead I got caught up in some of the things the site offered, filled out my profile and went on my way. I just kinda let it do whatever it was gonna do and soon I started getting messages from other members. I would say that a good 60% of the people I've interacted with on this site have some kind of disclaimer either in their profile or in their first message that uses one of the aforementioned lines of not knowing why they were on the site at all. The first step is admitting you have a problem or, in this case, admitting that you're there because you chose to be there. I didn't even find the site myself and I don't put any blame on the friend who led me there cuz I don't see any shame in it.
So I guess my question is why is there still such a stigma associated with online dating? I've seen a few profiles where people put down that they're willing to lie about how they met a person so that no one knows they actually met on a dating site. Is there really that much shame in it that you have to make up another story? And if there is then why are you on there at all? Okay, that's more than one question but you see my point. I don't understand how you can be both a believer in the online dating stigma and a member of a site, (I'm not talking about being skeptical about whether or not it'll work, that's a completely separate issue). Cuz if you don't believe in it or think it's stupid then why did you sign up? I know some people still consider it to be some kind of "last resort" for people who are getting up there in age and obviously don't know how to find someone on their own but that hasn't been my experience at all. I'm not saying you should shout from the rooftops that you're on a dating site, I just don't think that it should be a shameful secret or anything. But people are gonna think what they're gonna thing I guess and you can't change their minds. So if you want to be a closet online dater, more power to you. But major props to those who are out and proud about it.

My Favorite Mistake

Running into the almost-girlfriend that time forgot made me start thinking about other relationships I hadn't thought of in awhile. One in particular stood out. It wasn't a dating thing, we were both in it purely for the sex. I still remember the day we met. Being in the same industry and working just a few doors down from each other at the time, I knew of her but didn't know her personally. Rumor had it she was kinda creepy (in a goth way) and was in the middle of a hellish divorce. (I later found out that she and the husband had adopted a kid but then the husband decided he didn't want a kid and filed for divorce.) One afternoon we were in the same equipment room and she asked me if I was seeing anybody. I said no and she asked point blank if I wanted to hook up later that night. She was insanely attractive so I said yes and we ended up meeting off and on for about two months.
She wanted nothing to do with relationships after the way her last one ended and it was made clear from the start that the only purpose I served was to help her with whatever physical needs she had. We did venture out on maybe three or four occasions, one of which was to a club to meet up with some of her friends. She wasn't much older than me, maybe five years, but I overheard them teasing her about "robbing the cradle". I also heard them talking about how they felt bad about what she was doing to me. I never understood why they felt that way though. I went in knowing what it was all about and if I'd had a problem with that, I wouldn't have been involved in it. It did get a little weird near the end though. I eventually met and spent time with her kid and one night she asked if I could babysit him for a few hours. I had somewhere to be so I said no and started to distance myself from the situation. I had a feeling she'd met someone else so I knew we wouldn't be hooking up much longer and I moved on. Two months after that she called me and said she was in a relationship and "wanted to make sure we were okay". I said we were fine and never heard from her again. I do know she has since married and had two more kids.
Do I regret our situation? I can't say that I do. Would I still do it all again if I could go back in time? Probably. We did actually have a lot in common and maybe once or twice I let my mind wander into what it might be like to give it a legit try. But it never would've worked out, we were too different on too many levels. It was probably one of the most honest relationships I've ever had in my life. A large part of that probably has to do with there being no expectations on either side of the equation. Had the sex been lousy it wouldn't have gone past the first night and that woulda been the end of it. Because we knew there was no relationship potential, there was no need to try and impress each other. It was good for what it was and for that time in my life. But there's no...'wow' thinking about the situation nowadays. To borrow a favorite word from a friend, it was just 'meh'. It happened, it was alright and it ended.

Step-Monsters

My teenager and her father have always had a very strained relationship. He was 16 when she was born and has been alone with her since she was 4. One would think that it being just the two of them for so long they would be extremely close, but that's not how it's worked out. Even after I took custody of her I made sure she kept in close contact with her dad, something I know she hated but I made her do it anyway. In the beginning, their conversations consisted of mostly dead air over the phone with a random, general question thrown in here and there. But their relationship has improved dramatically since then, they've had lunch together a number of times and they talk at least three times a week. It's no longer awkward silence, it's actual conversations. Everything was going fantastic. 'Was' being the key word.
Her father recently dropped a bombshell about how he has a new girlfriend that he plans on proposing to in the next few weeks and the teenager is pretty pissed off about the whole situation. Her dad is only 35 so it's not like she expected him to never marry or possibly have more kids. What's got her so riled up is that dad has apparently being dating this woman for almost a year and a half and hasn't mentioned her at all until now. So it basically amounts to dad wanting to introduce her to his girlfriend and marry his girlfriend all within a few months time, making this woman her stepmother (and he seems very insistent on using that term). Yeah, I'd be pretty livid about that too if I were in my teenagers' position.
Interestingly enough, as my teen is dealing with the news that she's getting a stepmom, I'm dealing with the news that the mother of my child has decided to introduce our child to her boyfriend of about six months. All this has led me to think about what a fine line it is between introducing a newbie to a kid too soon as opposed to too late. I always say that I feel like it should be very serious before you bring the kid into it, but I've never thought about it beyond that. I guess I just figure that when the time comes, I'll know. It didn't occur to me that there could be a too late option until this whole mess with the teen. Obviously the situations are different - his kid is out of the house and mine is far from that age - but I still don't think it was right for him to hold out until just before he proposes. How is she supposed to trust this woman and bond with her now, having learned about this when she did? I have no doubt that if he would have brought her up much sooner the teen would've been receptive to it and things would still be good between them. I don't really know what to tell her since I'm not thrilled with him right now either.
No one's sure what to tell me about my situation either so I've kinda been on my own on this one. I tend to think about stuff for awhile before putting down on paper (or screen) how I feel about it. But I have to admit I have not yet fully processed this latest data. The ball is in my court on this one though since my ex wants me to meet the boyfriend first and then decide how I feel about him meeting the kid. I'm trying to keep an open mind. But I'm not gonna lie to her either. If I meet him and feel like he's not a good influence for the kid, then I'm gonna tell her as much. And hopefully she'll understand that I'm only looking out for the kid and that it's nothing personal towards her. But I still feel like it's too soon to bring him into the fold and I can't shake that feeling. Everything about this dude screams that it's just a fling but I can't make her not bring him around, even if that is the case. I'd like to believe she's not stupid enough to bring a non-serious dude around but I know her history when it comes to men so I'm not exactly encouraged. But I'm keeping an open mind...

Adventures In Pregnancy

I mentioned briefly in my 'hurling towards 30 post' that a close friend is expecting her first child later this year. I wish they made an emoticon that accurately showed our reactions when we realized she might be pregnant. We were sitting on the couch watching t.v. and she'd been sick with what we all assumed was the stomach flu for a few weeks. This was her second bout with the flu in less than two months (shoulda been a sign, I know). She mentioned she wasn't sure why she kept getting sick since she's generally a very healthy person and I jokingly threw out a line from an old commercial ('member that one with some chick jogging in the park who says, "I can't concentrate....could I be pregnant?", as if lack of concentration is the only symptom of pregnancy.). We laughed and then, at the exact same time, it hit us that that could actually be the problem (seriously, I've never known anyone to not consider they could be pregnant to the point where they miss their entire first trimester). Three pregnancy tests and a visit to the doctor later, she's now in the process of realizing just how much her life is about to change.
Before I go any further, I should emphasize that I really do love the girl. I've known her since we were about 16 and I can't say I've ever thought about her being a mother. Not that she isn't everything a mom should be, it's just that whenever we talked about someday having kids of our own she always made it seem like that was way far off in the future for her. She met her boyfriend (and future babydaddy) a year ago and I wasn't sure how long he'd be around since he was very much not her "type" (and believe me, she does have a type and she rarely deviates from it). But hes turned out to be a great guy and he really does care about her and that's always a great thing to have in this situation.
What has been thoroughly entertaining for me so far is watching them slowly come to terms with what a monumental change becoming a parent is. Having grown up around kids most of my life and living in the same house as my sister-in-law during the pregnancy process of baby number two (so lovingly chronicled on this blog), and oh yeah, having a kid of my own, I've been through this same song and dance several times. It's never been lost on me that raising kids is a huge responsibility. This particular friend loves my daughter and they spend a good amount of time together but she knows she doesn't have to be a disciplinarian and that she can always give the kid back whenever she wants. That is no longer an option for her once she has her baby, obviously. It's funny listening to the soon-to-be parents talk about what's gonna happen to them in about five months time. They are totally clueless about what they need to buy and what they need to build, whether or not they can build it themselves or should hire someone. Their cluelessness is kinda cute to watch though.
The best baby convo I've had with her so far was when we were in a store and some kid across the aisle started screaming bloody murder and she said she hopes her kid never does that. I laughed cuz, come on now, EVERY parent has to go through that at least once. It's like an initiation ritual. And I pointed out there will be many other things that'll make her cringe or mildly freak out, especially in the beginning. But for everything that embarrasses you, there will be something else that just melts your heart and makes you forget all about it. It's stressful and it's aggravating some days but it is all worth it. So my advice would be to enjoy the next six months because every year after this is gonna seem to fly by way too quickly. It's probably gonna be a steep learning curve for both of you but I have no doubt you'll make awesome parents. After all, you've already made your first kick ass parenting choice in naming me the godfather ;p

For This Dance, We'll Move With Each Other

My brother-in-law is without question one of my best friends on the planet. That's not even strong enough, he's one of my best friends in the universe and definitely my best guy friend. We were like 11 when we met, during my brief Catholic school stint, and it was one of those weird things where you just feel like this person was always meant to be in your life. Our school had one class per grade level so he, his brother, my sister, my cousin, and I were all in the same classroom. Our teacher had our desks set up in this horseshoe design so everyone could see everyone and I often caught my best bud staring across the room at my sister. They never really spoke and hung out with different crowds and I was the only one who noticed his staring so I didn't say anything. In our senior year of high school, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her out - and he got shot down in flames. So he asked again the next day, and everyday after that for nearly a month, until she finally agreed to go out with him just to get him to stop asking. But it turned out much differently than she'd planned cuz she fell for him and a year later she was pregnant. I don't have to explain why pregnancy at 19 is a bad thing and both families were pretty much thinking this was gonna turn out to be a disaster. But it only seemed to strengthen their relationship and now, 12 years on, they're still happily unmarried with three beautiful kids.
I can't explain how much I admire my bro-in-law. Growing up in the war zone that was his parent's house really wrecked his sister and brother but he managed to make it out with fewer scars than they did. Back in the late 70's his mom was the single parent of a son who met a man who fell in love with her and the kid. They married and had three more kids and bro-in-law and his younger siblings adored their oldest brother, who often had to distract them from their parents arguing. Unfortunately, their oldest brother also got caught up in hanging out with some gang members and it would lead to him being shot and killed when he was just 14 years old. With him gone, bro-in-law became the oldest sibling and he probably took the loss the hardest so he wasn't able to just dive in and become a great big brother. His younger brother (also a good friend of mine) resented him for this for a very long time. Their parents marriage fell apart soon after the death and they divorced and launched into a hellish custody battle. It was everything you don't want a custody issue to be; trying to sway the kids, using them as pawns and so on. It lasted a good two years and I remember his parents being right in the middle of it all when we were in Catholic school. There was an after school program we both attended and one day he fell down the stairs and broke his wrist and somehow both of his parents were summoned to pick him up and take him to the hospital. Even as a kid I could sense how much...tension and maybe even hatred was between them, even though they didn't say anything. As a result of the bitterness, one son took his mother's side and went to live with her and bro-in-law and his sister took dad's side and went to live with him. The difference was that the one who went with mom despised his father and blamed him for everything and had beef with his brother for not protecting him, while the other two kids just felt that dad's house was more stable and had no resentment towards mom. In the end, no one won and the kids lost.
But even once the custody stuff was over and the kids grown and moved out and on with their lives, they still have the parents to deal with. None of the kids have cut the parents out of their worlds, but there obviously aren't a lot of happy family reunions. I do admire bro-in-law's flat out refusal to let his parents crap bleed into the lives of his kids. They are a part of their lives but they know the minute they start to badmouth each other of bicker from a distance, they'll see the kids far less than they do now. Their parents haven't spoken in years, I was once in the same room as both of them after the birth of one of the kids and if I was that uncomfortable, I can't imagine what it must be like for their own children. Mom has a partner, a guy she supposedly met during her marriage and has been with since her divorce was finalized, but they don't plan to marry. None of her kids call him a stepfather, they just call him by his first name, but they don't seem to have anything against him. Dad, however, played the field for quite some time (though not until after his kids had moved out) and ended up dating a 34-year-old woman. She's three years older than my bro-in-law and soon to be his stepmother, which is not sitting well with him. Oh yeah, she's also pregnant and due this summer. All three kids are having trouble dealing with it, two of the three would rather not meet the kid at all and want to boycott the wedding. I have no clue how it's all gonna shake out, I've known very few people who have that much of an age difference between them and a sibling. My sister has really become the peace ambassador between the parties though, reminding her partner that, like it or not, this is gonna be his sibling and this woman is going to be a part of his family. And, on some level, she seems to be getting through to him. So as upset or confused about it all as he might be now, we all know they'll figure a way through this maze and get to the other side and keep marching on.

The entire custody war had turned off bro-in-law to ever wanting a family of his own. Then he met my sister and, as he puts it, he "suddenly wanted everything they show you in the movies"; house, family, woman he was madly in love with. And he has all that but it hasn't been easy. They've been through a lot; the loss of two of her best friends, the premature birth of their second child, the challenges of figuring out what's best for their supposed handicapped kids, not to mention the nightmare that is me. But they always seem to find their rhythm and keep moving on. (Yeah, I'm totally jealous about their relationship but I love 'em both to death and know they deserve it, and I hold out hope I'll find one like it some day.) Because of what went down with his parents he's still firmly set against marriage, but then so is my sister. They're amazing parents and seem to have found the formula for growing into a relationship rather than growing out of one. If that whole twins leading parallel lives thing shakes out to be true, there is no area I would rather my life mimic my sister's than in the relationship department.

"At twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgement" - Benjamin Franklin

Rather than reflect on a year that was probably about 60/40 in terms of bad and good, I've decided to reflect on the past decade that was my 20's. It's not that I want the world to end but I would really appreciate stopping the aging process at 29 and, while we're at it, keeping my little girl 2 for the foreseeable future. I don't think I ever fully settled into my 20's, which I guess is kinda sad. Your 20's are supposed to be all about getting the worst of your debauchery out of your system so you can be ready to get married and have a bunch of kids in your 30's and beyond. Supposedly 30 marks the time when you feel like a real grown-up. Unfortunately, I had to deal with a lot of really grown-up stuff starting in my early-20's and it pretty much consumed me for most of the decade. But I feel like I've finally hit some kind of stride at 29. And now, of course, my 20's are on their way out in a matter of months. This year is shaping up to be an interesting one. A lot of my friends are getting married and/or having babies in 2011 and quite a few others are also turning 30. I'm still mildly freaked out about hitting that number but I'm not really sure why. I guess because it's just something that programmed into people. I don't know a single person who hasn't freaked out about turning 30.
You live and learn and I've definitely done a lot of living (some of it not the good kind) and a lot of learning in the past ten years. Obviously the biggest learning experience you will ever have is becoming a parent. I don't like to give myself props for a lot of stuff but I know the one area I excel in is parenthood. Nobody's perfect and I'm far from a perfect parent but I feel like I know for sure that the one place I have to get it right is when it comes to my kid. A nice perk of getting it right for her has been that it causes me to stay on the right path in general. I've had many attempts at staying on the straight and narrow in the past and they've almost all resulted in my falling off one wagon or another. I didn't have a real reason to stay on it and I figured if I f-cked up, it was only me who was gonna really pay the price. But now I know that my slip ups will have a direct impact on her life and I very much want her to grow up in a loving, happy environment. I want her to look back and think I was a great dad, not look back at how I couldn't keep my sh-t together. I was asked the other day if I feel like my opinion about having more kids might change as my friends expand their families. I wouldn't doubt it. As I sit (or lay, rather) here now, I can honestly say that if I never had anymore kids I could still live a happy and fulfilled life. But then I said that before I had a kid too so I never say never.
One thing I hope to improve upon in my 30's is my habits in my relationships. We won't get into just how many women were left either scorned or puzzled by my actions in my roaring 20's but it was far more than it shoulda been. I think I've tried to change those habits many times but since I wasn't committed to letting go of my bad habits in general, I couldn't fix my mistakes in relationships. I still have this thing in my mind about the nine month mark. The relationship resulting in my engagement was almost exactly eight months from beginning to end and I haven't kept much of anything together beyond that mark since. That's just over five years of keeping nothing together. Not a good average at all. And I would like to change the pattern as I move forward. But I know that is much easier said than done given my restlessness in most areas of life and especially this area. Always a work in progress I guess.
So what am I proud of myself for having done in my 20's? On the top of that list is having my daughter. I know it's repetitive and I've said it before but she is by far the best thing I've ever done. It's a challenge and some days the girl just works my nerves but I wouldn't trade her for anything. The other thing is having battled death and won. I don't know how much of that I can actually take credit for since I don't think it was really in my hands. But I am proud of how quickly I was able to physically recover. As my mom often says, I've been unexpected since the day I was born and I haven't changed since. Never was that more apparent than after the accident. First I wasn't supposed to make it 24 hours, then I wasn't supposed to come out of the coma, then I wasn't supposed to get back on my feet for six months. Though my motivation for getting back on my feet so quickly wasn't exactly healthy, in the end it turned out the way it was meant to be. Had I not recovered physically as quickly as I did, the hole I eventually dug myself would've been much deeper. Another thing to be very proud of is how I handled acquiring a teenager. That was not easy. Nor was it always fun. But somehow we managed to make it and I know I'm better for having that experience. I hope she feels the same way. Maybe I did more I should be proud of in my 20's but I can't think of anything right now.
So now as I hurl towards that number I will not mention, I keep catching myself being oddly emotional about weird stuff. Like if someone reminds me of something that happened in the last decade, I really reflect on it for a long time. Not sure if that's cuz I'm getting older or cuz my kid is getting older but it's still something new. It probably also has something to do with one of my best friends recently announcing her pregnancy. It was VERY unexpected and it's kinda thrown me for some reason. She's reminiscing about our past decade of friendship and it's like rubbing off on me. I'm not counting the days til 30 or anything, I'm kinda blocking it out completely. I'm sure the day will come and go just like any other day and time will march on. Overall, I'm just hoping that the next decade brings more highs than lows cuz that would really help me out.

She Went Away and Then I Took A Different Path

I ran into an ex...wouldn't say girlfriend, but we dated for about three months when we were both maybe 23 or 24. We met by chance and I remember being thrown for a loop by how attracted I was to her even though she wasn't my "type". (I've always denied having a type but now I'ma just accept it). Hindsight being 20/20, I think she was attracted to my creative talents and I was attracted to the way she liked to challenge me. It started out well but quickly went downhill. There were a few obstacles; she's Jewish and her family was very insistent that she marry a Jewish guy and she had just (like two weeks before) gotten out of a long-term relationship with a guy she thought she was gonna marry. And, of course, there were my ever-present problems. Our situation ended because she still had strong feelings for her ex, so we broke it off and she tried again with him. No drama, it just fizzled. I hadn't thought about her in awhile, the last time being when I heard she was getting married a year ago (not to the ex, btw). Our relationship was so brief and took place during such a tumultuous period of my life that I'd almost forgotten about it. And I forget why we chose not to try and maintain a friendship since nobody did anybody wrong. I don't know what happens now either. We have close friends in common so maybe we build a friendship of our own. Or maybe not. Maybe we just run into each other now and again and catch up and move on. But it was kinda nice to be reminded of something I gave my all to. I can honestly say I tried with her. Being that I am hard on myself, I tend to forget the stuff I did right sometimes. I have to learn to take in the little victories.