Rather than reflect on a year that was probably about 60/40 in terms of bad and good, I've decided to reflect on the past decade that was my 20's. It's not that I want the world to end but I would really appreciate stopping the aging process at 29 and, while we're at it, keeping my little girl 2 for the foreseeable future. I don't think I ever fully settled into my 20's, which I guess is kinda sad. Your 20's are supposed to be all about getting the worst of your debauchery out of your system so you can be ready to get married and have a bunch of kids in your 30's and beyond. Supposedly 30 marks the time when you feel like a real grown-up. Unfortunately, I had to deal with a lot of really grown-up stuff starting in my early-20's and it pretty much consumed me for most of the decade. But I feel like I've finally hit some kind of stride at 29. And now, of course, my 20's are on their way out in a matter of months. This year is shaping up to be an interesting one. A lot of my friends are getting married and/or having babies in 2011 and quite a few others are also turning 30. I'm still mildly freaked out about hitting that number but I'm not really sure why. I guess because it's just something that programmed into people. I don't know a single person who hasn't freaked out about turning 30.
You live and learn and I've definitely done a lot of living (some of it not the good kind) and a lot of learning in the past ten years. Obviously the biggest learning experience you will ever have is becoming a parent. I don't like to give myself props for a lot of stuff but I know the one area I excel in is parenthood. Nobody's perfect and I'm far from a perfect parent but I feel like I know for sure that the one place I have to get it right is when it comes to my kid. A nice perk of getting it right for her has been that it causes me to stay on the right path in general. I've had many attempts at staying on the straight and narrow in the past and they've almost all resulted in my falling off one wagon or another. I didn't have a real reason to stay on it and I figured if I f-cked up, it was only me who was gonna really pay the price. But now I know that my slip ups will have a direct impact on her life and I very much want her to grow up in a loving, happy environment. I want her to look back and think I was a great dad, not look back at how I couldn't keep my sh-t together. I was asked the other day if I feel like my opinion about having more kids might change as my friends expand their families. I wouldn't doubt it. As I sit (or lay, rather) here now, I can honestly say that if I never had anymore kids I could still live a happy and fulfilled life. But then I said that before I had a kid too so I never say never.
One thing I hope to improve upon in my 30's is my habits in my relationships. We won't get into just how many women were left either scorned or puzzled by my actions in my roaring 20's but it was far more than it shoulda been. I think I've tried to change those habits many times but since I wasn't committed to letting go of my bad habits in general, I couldn't fix my mistakes in relationships. I still have this thing in my mind about the nine month mark. The relationship resulting in my engagement was almost exactly eight months from beginning to end and I haven't kept much of anything together beyond that mark since. That's just over five years of keeping nothing together. Not a good average at all. And I would like to change the pattern as I move forward. But I know that is much easier said than done given my restlessness in most areas of life and especially this area. Always a work in progress I guess.
So what am I proud of myself for having done in my 20's? On the top of that list is having my daughter. I know it's repetitive and I've said it before but she is by far the best thing I've ever done. It's a challenge and some days the girl just works my nerves but I wouldn't trade her for anything. The other thing is having battled death and won. I don't know how much of that I can actually take credit for since I don't think it was really in my hands. But I am proud of how quickly I was able to physically recover. As my mom often says, I've been unexpected since the day I was born and I haven't changed since. Never was that more apparent than after the accident. First I wasn't supposed to make it 24 hours, then I wasn't supposed to come out of the coma, then I wasn't supposed to get back on my feet for six months. Though my motivation for getting back on my feet so quickly wasn't exactly healthy, in the end it turned out the way it was meant to be. Had I not recovered physically as quickly as I did, the hole I eventually dug myself would've been much deeper. Another thing to be very proud of is how I handled acquiring a teenager. That was not easy. Nor was it always fun. But somehow we managed to make it and I know I'm better for having that experience. I hope she feels the same way. Maybe I did more I should be proud of in my 20's but I can't think of anything right now.
So now as I hurl towards that number I will not mention, I keep catching myself being oddly emotional about weird stuff. Like if someone reminds me of something that happened in the last decade, I really reflect on it for a long time. Not sure if that's cuz I'm getting older or cuz my kid is getting older but it's still something new. It probably also has something to do with one of my best friends recently announcing her pregnancy. It was VERY unexpected and it's kinda thrown me for some reason. She's reminiscing about our past decade of friendship and it's like rubbing off on me. I'm not counting the days til 30 or anything, I'm kinda blocking it out completely. I'm sure the day will come and go just like any other day and time will march on. Overall, I'm just hoping that the next decade brings more highs than lows cuz that would really help me out.
