I was a bit of an enigma growing up (and in many ways still am); I was a painfully shy kid out in public but would talk the ears off of my family when I was at home. Didn't matter what I was talking about, as long as I was talking. I think my mom assumed that once I went off to school and started to make friends I would come out of my shell but it never really went that way. I always had a small circle of friends but I had very few people, friends or family, that I really let in. I don't know if it was some weird fear of intimacy or what but even if I was really close to someone, there was like this defense mechanism that kicked in and made me take two steps back. Since this mechanism has been alive and kicking since way before I was hurt of let down, I'm thinking it's more the intimacy fear than any past hurt.
Nothing like a near-death experience to knock you back down to earth, right? Must be true since since it wasn't until post-accident that I finally learned to let people help me and let myself trust in people. I can honestly say that entire first year of my recovery was the most unguarded I've been in my entire life. I was too depressed to care what anyone thought or how close anyone got to me. It was almost as if it was too much effort to start to put up a defense. And it woulda been great if I'd learned to keep living that way once I got myself straight. But I guess it's harder than it looks cuz here I am realizing how far I've regressed in that area. And I can't help but kinda kick myself for that cuz I know it's a horrible trait to have.
While we're on the list of traits that drive me crazy, why not throw that whole 'me and my big mouth' one into the fray. Actually it's more like my big mouth and me since I often speak before I think. And really that's a lie cuz I usually do think (and over-think) before I say something, but for some reason I say it anyway. Most of what I spout is meant to be funny and usually is but every now and then, and at an alarming frequency of late, something comes out completely wrong and hurts and/or offends somebody. I don't like hurting people's feelings at all but I think I'm different than most in that I realize it's gonna happen anyway so, as long as I'm not going out of my way to do it (which I don't), I shouldn't feel so bad about it. But obviously I do still feel bad about it. I don't know, I guess it's that whole enigma business again.
So how does one stop from speaking in a manner that offends? Well I know I don't wanna curb it completely, that wouldn't be any fun at all. But I guess it comes down to being more aware of what I'm thinking about saying. (Is it just me or is 'aware' becoming like a theme word in my posts lately?). How does one go about shutting down that two steps back, too close defense mechanism mentality? That is...a question I don't have the answer for. It seems so simple; if you don't wanna be afraid of intimacy, then don't be afraid. But of course nothing can ever be that easy.
