I had a rough night. Actually, it's been a bit of a rough couple of days so maybe it just all caught up with me last night/this morning. You know how it suddenly hits you that there's a common theme to the end of all your relationships and you start thinking about how you'd like to change that? Yeah, well I'm there. So early this morning there I am going over stuff in my head and I realize that there is one thing that has been a major player in every single relationship I have ever had. It's been thrown out time and again in arguments, in break-ups, during moments of questioning. It's been brought up to me time again, though not as blindingly as it was last night. And I should have been mad as hell at that point of realization because it's something that's ended a lot of very promising relationships in my life. But I wasn't really mad. I was just kinda...puzzled. How could I not have realized this is a problem sooner? I must have fallen asleep while still in my puzzled state cuz the next thing I remember I was waking up and the mad as hell feeling had finally made its appearance.
I think I'm mad as hell because I don't know how to fix this one. I don't know how to change it and I don't know how to go about figuring out how to fix it or change it. Even worse, it's a pretty crushing blow to think about how many people may have fallen victim to that part of my personality. And even though I've always very much been a relationship person, it's a big thing for me to now realize that I just flat out suck at relationships in general. I thought I'd become better at maintaining them post-accident because I'd finally realized how important that was. But no. I'm no better than I was before my foundation was rocked. And while I'm being completely honest (and why not be at this point), I was probably a much better human being in general pre-accident. Not just because I was younger and more idealistic but because I knew how to open up to people. How one loses that ability, I don't know. How one gets it back is the million dollar question for me at this point. I could go on raking myself over the coals but it won't change anything and it won't make me feel any better. But I don't like feeling the way I do right now. So, in closing, I suck.
