Something else that went down at yesterday's birthday festivities was a fairly heated conversation between a friend and an acquaintance that also somehow involved me. The friend has been relatively unlucky in love and just recently began dating again after the end of a long-term relationship. She is incredibly picky and so far has been on five dates with five different dudes, all of them of a different ethnic background. She didn't plan it that way, that's just how it happened. The acquaintance (whom we'll refer to as 'AQ' the rest of this post cuz I'm lazy this morning) is engaged to be married in a few weeks and has never dated anyone of a different ethnic background.
So the friend starts talking about her last date and how it went well and he was a nice guy but he didn't want kids, which is something she very much wants (and soon). Out of nowhere AQ makes a comment about how the friend doesn't seem to 'like' dating 'her own' anymore. The friend, clearly and understandably annoyed by this, tried to diffuse the situation and change the subject and said race didn't matter to her. But AQ couldn't let it go and asked what was wrong with only dating one's own race and the friend replied that nothing was wrong with it but that she didn't see the need to cut herself off from any group of people for any reason. AQ persisted in asking for even more clarification and the friend decided to use me as an example and pointed out that I've dated every color under the sun and race has never been an issue in the relationship. AQ asked if I also date people of my own race and seemed genuinely surprised when I said that I do. It was almost as if she thought it has to be one way or the other; you date only your own or you don't, no middle ground.
Then it got ugly. AQ made a totally uncalled for comment suggesting that if the friend fell in love with a dude of another race and they had a kid, that kid would never have a clear sense of who they were because they were mixed race. I considered just walking away but didn't wanna leave the friend to deal with this on her own so I pointed out that I have a child who is of a mixed background (something AQ didn't know) and that I would have another one in a heartbeat, cuz color doesn't matter to me. Then she launched into how my having another child with someone of yet another background would only make things worse because there'd be an even greater mix of colors in this new blended family. I see that as a beautiful thing, not bad. At that point, my cousin happened upon the heated discussion and diffused it but I think everyone left pretty pissed off. One was mad because of the 'mixing' going on in the world, another cuz she realized she had a friend so close minded and me cuz I can't stand when people make a big deal about race or insult my child.
Last night I was replaying this whole thing in my head and realized that I don't have a single friend who has a child that is 100% anything. And I actually think that's pretty cool. You love who you love and you can't change that. And if you're in love with someone of a different race then you've obviously thought about having children with them and you know those kids would be mixed and you're fine with it. My daughter isn't gonna lack a clear identity just because of her mixed awesomeness (nor is any other mixed kid). If anything, she's gonna have a greater sense of self because she's gonna learn about all the things in her from both sides of the family. And she's gonna learn that the color of her skin is a part of who she is but it isn't all of who she is. I don't think she's at all aware that she's mixed yet and, if we do our job right, even when she does become aware it won't matter much. It's just skin. And I would rather she be comfortable in her own skin than care about what color it is.
