Definition: Open to attack
Synonyms: Defenseless, Exposed, Naked, Unguarded, Unprotected, Wide Open, Out On A Limb
Antonyms: Closed, Guarded
I've rarely felt the surge of emotions that ran through me when my father died. I was numb and angry all at the same time. I had a lot to get out on the subject but no one I really felt I could talk to about it. It was a very vulnerable time and I hated it. I felt like every time someone looked at me, they knew what I was going through and that I was so conflicted inside. I think it was so difficult to accept that he was dead because so much was still unresolved. You go through life assuming there's always tomorrow to get things off your chest and connect with people you've been meaning to talk to. I'd considered contacting my father a handful of times in my teens and early twenties. There was no reason I couldn't, other than my own reservations about opening that door and letting him into my life. I remember running scenarios through my head about what he'd say when I called him and told him I was his son. Some were good; that he'd be happy I'd found him and welcome me with open arms. Others were not so good, I worried he would reject me and there are few things worse than rejection. Especially rejection from someone whose blood runs through your veins, someone who is supposed to love you and have your back through all of life's ups and downs. The possibility of that second scenario was suffocating to me so every time I came close to using the phone number I believed was his, I stopped myself and threw it into a drawer and forgot about it. Then he died and there were no more tomorrows and I was thrown as to what happens next.
After my father's death I went into apathy mode for about a week, burying my anger about the entire situation. I took to Facebook and started looking for my half-siblings and my father's widow. Something in me needed to understand what had just happened and what made this person I was related to but only met once tick. Maybe I thought I'd find answers or clues to why he wasn't around. But I didn't, of course. His widow posted almost daily updates about how much she missed him and what a good man he was and all of her friends and step-children would offer her solace and express their own grief. I didn't know how to take it. All of these people were talking about what a wonderful father he was and that pissed me off. Why was he around for them and not for us? While we were on welfare and being raised by a single mother, he was out doing his thing as a musician but apparently he had enough time to at least check in with all of his other kids. I stopped reading all the glowing things people had to say about him and just silently fumed for quite some time. But the thing about quietly fuming (as I'm prone to doing) is that eventually that anger comes bubbling to the surface and it's worse than it would have been had you just dealt with it when you felt it. My reaction once the anger took over was to just wash my hands of the entire situation. I stopped caring about the people in his life because I was bitter that I wasn't one of them. It's only recently that I've come to realize I'm better for not having him in my life. I can't really mourn someone I never cared about. And yet, for some reason, writing about him is still difficult for me and takes me back to the vulnerability I felt in the aftermath of his death.
Nobody likes feeling vulnerable or knowing someone can get to them in a way no one else can. Even if someone gets to you in a good way, it's still sometimes easier to go the closed and guarded route. Because if there is no vulnerability then there can be no pain. For the first time in a long time, I've let myself linger in a vulnerable place. And it's been oddly liberating to say what I feel when I feel it (in a different way than I normally do with my lack of a filter). I'm lingering somewhere between unguarded and exposed but not yet wide open. And it's scary. VERY scary. But I'm trying very hard to stay away from the familiar confines of closed and guarded. I feel happy. And I feel very alive. Obviously those are good things. But another part of me rebels against those feelings and tries to force me to shut down because that's what I know and it's familiar and comfortable. And because giving in to vulnerability makes it easier to get hurt. Sometimes I'd rather feel any other emotion than this one. Other times it feels amazing to give into it. It's one of those epic battles between good and evil, except I'm still undecided as to which side is which.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
I Got Married To The Widow Next Door
The woman I lovingly refer to as crazy aunt is one of my favorite people on earth. It's one of those connections you can't really explain. According to my mom, we've adored each other from the day I was born. I have a lot of great people in my life who love and care about me a lot but few are as protective as crazy aunt. This woman would do anything for me and would probably hunt down and do extreme physical harm to anyone who so much as called me a bad name. When I was 8, she offered to go to school and beat up a kid who said I wasn't Mexican and I've rarely seen her as worked up as she was at that time. She also refers to my ex-fiancee, whom she's never met, as "that b*tch", despite my having told her several times that I played my part in that whole disaster. I love crazy aunt.
Crazy aunt celebrated a birthday recently and we went out for a better late than never birthday lunch today. We talked about the trip and the custody stuff going on with my daughter (who I miss like you wouldn't believe). Then she mentioned that her daughter's best friend is single and "right around the age you like them". I didn't say anything so she kept talking and said this chick is 38 and wants kids like yesterday and has "a thing" for Latino dudes. I told her I appreciated the attempt at a set-up but I'm not interested in chicks who want babies immediately, to which she replied, "Mijo...you're 30. You need to think about this.". Crazy aunt likes to fling that number at me. I told her I'm 30 (yes, I've hit acceptance and stopped referring to myself as "25"), not 50 and that I don't even know if I want more kids so I have no business dating someone who wants them right now. "You're great with kids, you need to have more babies," she says. And with that, she decided I do want more kids and I will have them with this chick she still wants to set me up with. I just can't win. But I enjoyed lunch all the same.
Right after we got home from lunch, we found out my estranged uncle is about to divorce his wife of a couple years. We were under the impression this would be his fourth divorce but apparently it's gonna be his SIXTH. That's a half dozen women this dude has married and then left behind. Half. A. DOZEN. I don't want one wife and he's gone through six. We never even knew he married wife number 5 (which is not a surprise actually). The entire family is sure he's already got a new girlfriend that he probably started seeing while he was still married (that's been his M.O. in all his relationships). Upon hearing this, crazy aunt did a 180 on trying to make me take a wife and have some babies. Suddenly, this chick she was forcing on me an hour ago isn't good enough for me and isn't marriage material (I refrained from telling her that a chick who isn't marriage material is my kinda chick to avoid opening a whole new can of worms). My family has never been particularly skilled at marriage but this one uncle is some kinda special to keep getting back on the marriage horse when everybody and their mother knows he's not cut out for it. Two marriages that end in divorce, no problem. But a six pack of ex wives? Damn.
Crazy aunt celebrated a birthday recently and we went out for a better late than never birthday lunch today. We talked about the trip and the custody stuff going on with my daughter (who I miss like you wouldn't believe). Then she mentioned that her daughter's best friend is single and "right around the age you like them". I didn't say anything so she kept talking and said this chick is 38 and wants kids like yesterday and has "a thing" for Latino dudes. I told her I appreciated the attempt at a set-up but I'm not interested in chicks who want babies immediately, to which she replied, "Mijo...you're 30. You need to think about this.". Crazy aunt likes to fling that number at me. I told her I'm 30 (yes, I've hit acceptance and stopped referring to myself as "25"), not 50 and that I don't even know if I want more kids so I have no business dating someone who wants them right now. "You're great with kids, you need to have more babies," she says. And with that, she decided I do want more kids and I will have them with this chick she still wants to set me up with. I just can't win. But I enjoyed lunch all the same.
Right after we got home from lunch, we found out my estranged uncle is about to divorce his wife of a couple years. We were under the impression this would be his fourth divorce but apparently it's gonna be his SIXTH. That's a half dozen women this dude has married and then left behind. Half. A. DOZEN. I don't want one wife and he's gone through six. We never even knew he married wife number 5 (which is not a surprise actually). The entire family is sure he's already got a new girlfriend that he probably started seeing while he was still married (that's been his M.O. in all his relationships). Upon hearing this, crazy aunt did a 180 on trying to make me take a wife and have some babies. Suddenly, this chick she was forcing on me an hour ago isn't good enough for me and isn't marriage material (I refrained from telling her that a chick who isn't marriage material is my kinda chick to avoid opening a whole new can of worms). My family has never been particularly skilled at marriage but this one uncle is some kinda special to keep getting back on the marriage horse when everybody and their mother knows he's not cut out for it. Two marriages that end in divorce, no problem. But a six pack of ex wives? Damn.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Destination: Here
And then, there were none. No more buses or trains or hotels to speak of, that is. We even arrived at our destination an hour early (though a day late for the tamales we were so looking forward to, which had been consumed by a bunch of drunken Mexicans the night before our arrival, but I digress). And so, it is time to reflect upon the trip that was New York to Denver. Well, it wasn't great. But it wasn't awful. And it was definitely better than I thought it was gonna be. Did my brother and I have any deep, meaningful conversations or resolve any of our major issues? No. Did we get on each other's last nerve and try to throw each other under the various modes of transportation we took? Also a no. We didn't talk much until the last leg of the journey, and even then it was just basic conversation. But I guess that's something. I have to admit that I expected my brother to become a little unhinged when things started to not go at all according to plan. But I think the enormity of the trip was a little overwhelming and he didn't have the energy to complain.
Did I learn anything on our semi-cross country trip, you ask? Well that's a mighty good question. I learned that even though I initially fought taking this trip and tried to get someone else to go in my place, deep down I really wanted to be the one escorting my brother home. I knew it might be awkward and I'd probably be lonely since he might not talk to me, but I still wanted to go. It felt like something I needed to do. And it turned out to be good for both of us because it seems to have thawed out the lines of communication. There's no more walking on eggshells around each other. I no longer dread seeing him or hearing from him. I'm even actually starting to like him as a human being again. And I'm pretty sure he's coming around on that whole 'hating my guts' thing he's been hanging on to for way too long now. So, even though it took longer than we thought and we had to use more means of transportation than initially planned, this trip was a very good thing. Exhausting, but good. What happens from here, we shall see. But I'm thankful for the opportunity and happy my brother will get to finish his recovery where he wants. And, cuz ya'll know I love me some upsides, I now know which Holiday Inn not to stay in should I ever be in the great state of Iowa again (hookers and johns and drug deals, oh my).
Did I learn anything on our semi-cross country trip, you ask? Well that's a mighty good question. I learned that even though I initially fought taking this trip and tried to get someone else to go in my place, deep down I really wanted to be the one escorting my brother home. I knew it might be awkward and I'd probably be lonely since he might not talk to me, but I still wanted to go. It felt like something I needed to do. And it turned out to be good for both of us because it seems to have thawed out the lines of communication. There's no more walking on eggshells around each other. I no longer dread seeing him or hearing from him. I'm even actually starting to like him as a human being again. And I'm pretty sure he's coming around on that whole 'hating my guts' thing he's been hanging on to for way too long now. So, even though it took longer than we thought and we had to use more means of transportation than initially planned, this trip was a very good thing. Exhausting, but good. What happens from here, we shall see. But I'm thankful for the opportunity and happy my brother will get to finish his recovery where he wants. And, cuz ya'll know I love me some upsides, I now know which Holiday Inn not to stay in should I ever be in the great state of Iowa again (hookers and johns and drug deals, oh my).
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Postcards From...Wherever The Hell We Are
Last night I had a conversation with a friend who told me to tell my brother I love him, even if I don't like him at the moment. The point being you never know what could happen and that people need to hear how you feel about them because knowing but not actually hearing you say it out loud just isn't the same. I'm a very big believer in saying how you feel, when you feel it. This is both good and bad because with my lack of a filter for my feelings, you never know what's gonna fly out of my mouth next. For example, I was once sitting between my sister and my best friend and we were watching some chick show where these two women were fighting over a man. Without thinking (a common occurrence for me), I asked why women can't just get along with each other. And if looks could kill, I woulda been a dead man at that moment cuz they both shot daggers at me for grouping all women into the 'crazy' category. This was one time it would have done me a world of good to have a filter. But I kinda prefer not having one cuz it also makes it very easy for me to tell people I love them, something I only say when I really mean it and feel it. If anything happened, I would at least want the ones I love to know with 100% certainty that I loved them.
Since the train my brother and I were supposed to take for the rest of our journey derailed, our travel plans have been altered quite a bit. We're taking buses the rest of the way and, rather than having arrived home early this morning, we'll get back tomorrow evening. But everything for a reason. My brother isn't doing as well as I'd hoped on the trip, being in a sitting position for too long is very uncomfortable for him and seems to make breathing a little difficult for him. This wasn't a problem on the train since we had our own room with beds and he could lie down or get up and walk around when he needed to. But he has to be upright on a bus for hours at a time and it's been rough for him.
We left early this morning and both fell asleep on the bus for a couple of hours. I woke up and noticed he still looked very tired so I asked him how he was feeling and he said not so hot. I told him we get into our destination early tonight so he should be able to go to bed early and get more rest and he made a comment about my being a caring dude. I told him of course I care about him, he's my little brother and I want him to be healthy and happy and, maybe someday, not hate me anymore. He said he doesn't hate me and then changed the subject, asking who I'd been on the phone with last night (I thought he was asleep so I went into the hallway to talk). I wasn't sure what he was getting at so I didn't outright answer the question but he said that whoever I was talking to, he likes them already cuz he hasn't heard me laugh the way I did last night in a long time. And with that, the lines of communication opened up a little bit.
During what turned out to be about a 45 minute layover in God Knows Where, Iowa we were able to take a walk to get some food and re-stock our snack stash at a Wal-Mart. I felt bad cuz all my brother wanted to do was lie down for awhile since he felt so lousy. We improvised and found a display of hammocks and exercise benches (random) towards the back of the store and we both got to just lie there and chill out for a few. Then it was back on the bus for a relatively painless ride to our destination, which is where I write this from now. He slept for most of the later part of the ride so we didn't get to talk much until we got to the hotel. We grabbed some food, checked in and watched tv for awhile before he turned in early. Perhaps not surprisingly, I'm not all that tired despite getting maybe 7 hours of sleep in the last couple of days. This has certainly turned into an adventure but I'm not really complaining. We leave at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning (on a SUNDAY, I have to be up at 4:45 AM) but the good news is that there's a Starbucks AND a Burger King on the same block as both the hotel and the bus terminal. So maybe it won't seem like as early a morning.
Since the train my brother and I were supposed to take for the rest of our journey derailed, our travel plans have been altered quite a bit. We're taking buses the rest of the way and, rather than having arrived home early this morning, we'll get back tomorrow evening. But everything for a reason. My brother isn't doing as well as I'd hoped on the trip, being in a sitting position for too long is very uncomfortable for him and seems to make breathing a little difficult for him. This wasn't a problem on the train since we had our own room with beds and he could lie down or get up and walk around when he needed to. But he has to be upright on a bus for hours at a time and it's been rough for him.
We left early this morning and both fell asleep on the bus for a couple of hours. I woke up and noticed he still looked very tired so I asked him how he was feeling and he said not so hot. I told him we get into our destination early tonight so he should be able to go to bed early and get more rest and he made a comment about my being a caring dude. I told him of course I care about him, he's my little brother and I want him to be healthy and happy and, maybe someday, not hate me anymore. He said he doesn't hate me and then changed the subject, asking who I'd been on the phone with last night (I thought he was asleep so I went into the hallway to talk). I wasn't sure what he was getting at so I didn't outright answer the question but he said that whoever I was talking to, he likes them already cuz he hasn't heard me laugh the way I did last night in a long time. And with that, the lines of communication opened up a little bit.
During what turned out to be about a 45 minute layover in God Knows Where, Iowa we were able to take a walk to get some food and re-stock our snack stash at a Wal-Mart. I felt bad cuz all my brother wanted to do was lie down for awhile since he felt so lousy. We improvised and found a display of hammocks and exercise benches (random) towards the back of the store and we both got to just lie there and chill out for a few. Then it was back on the bus for a relatively painless ride to our destination, which is where I write this from now. He slept for most of the later part of the ride so we didn't get to talk much until we got to the hotel. We grabbed some food, checked in and watched tv for awhile before he turned in early. Perhaps not surprisingly, I'm not all that tired despite getting maybe 7 hours of sleep in the last couple of days. This has certainly turned into an adventure but I'm not really complaining. We leave at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning (on a SUNDAY, I have to be up at 4:45 AM) but the good news is that there's a Starbucks AND a Burger King on the same block as both the hotel and the bus terminal. So maybe it won't seem like as early a morning.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Rail Tales
My brother and I have hit the halfway point of our journey home. Unfortunately, we'll be bussing it the rest of the way because the train we were supposed to take the rest of the way derailed this morning. But our first train ride actually wasn't that bad. My brother and I have started speaking some and even played a few games of cards this morning. Even when we're not speaking, the silences haven't been as awkward as I thought they'd be. We're still not really eating together or having in-depth conversations but hey, progress is progress. I didn't get too much sleep in last night cuz I couldn't get comfortable but that's a non-issue since I rarely get much sleep anymore, no matter where I am. I'd have to say the highlight of the first half of the trip was being able to engage in some very entertaining texting (god bless technology). Some examples:
Friend: Obviously we know why you're taking a train to Denver but why are the rest of the passengers? Why aren't they flying? I'd like you to casually take a survey and find out this info for me please. Thank you.
Me: LOL I was just gonna say 'I'm not gonna take a poll as to why these people are on this train'
Friend: LOL Please. It will be fun for me and a good activity for you
(I didn't officially do this but I have found myself asking the people I interact with why they're on the train. The power of suggestion, I guess.)
----------
(Sent from my mom's phone cuz crazy aunt supposedly doesn't know how to text)
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, your mom told me about that lady who wants your cookies. Did you ask if she was single?
Me: No. She was creepy.
Crazy Aunt: You're 30, you can't be picky anymore.
(lol Thanks for that, crazy aunt. Appreciate it.)
----------
(After I suggested "forgetting" my brother at one of the train stops after a particularly trying conversation)
Mom: I will hit you so hard, you will be knocked back to prehistoric times [first name, middle name, last name]. DO NOT leave your brother in Ohio.
----------
(Late last night)
Me: We've barely said two words to each other the whole trip. I don't know how to start a conversation
Sister: "Hi [bro's name], why do you hate my guts?". If he responds and then you say something else, that's called a conversation.
----------
(About six hours into the ride)
Me: I am SO bored
Friend: lol I liked that that's how you chose to start a conversation with me. Go on, whisper sweet nothings in my ear lady killer
---
Me: Great. Now I have the Jetsons theme stuck in my head
Friend: lol Aw I loved the Jetsons movie....'The siiimpsons'. Oh shit, wrong show. I meant '....his boy elroy'
Friend: The youngest one in curls.....
Me: LOL Now we're just mashing up tv theme songs
Me: In west Philadelphia, born and raised
Friend: I suffer from TV tourettes...on the playground is where I spent most of my days
Me: And we're moving on up to the east side
Friend: I was just gonna write that! LOL
Friend: Sunday, Monday, happy days
Me: Now see, that one always throws me. I can never remember the whole song and I just repeat 'happy days, happy days' over and over lol
Friend: I know right? I was just gonna make my way down the days of the week lol....January, February happy days
Me: LOL. Sleepy, Dopey, happy days
Friend: LMAO I love you
---
(At about 11:00 at night)
Me: Well this one actually is the better route than the one that will take us to Denver. this one goes along the water for awhile
Friend: That's pretty, I love the water
Me: We have a big window too but we can't see anything now, obviously
Friend: Can you believe that I was gonna ask why lol
Me: LOL. Yes. Yes I can
Friend: I would be offended, but I walked into that one lol
----------
And, though not a text, I would like to thank the nice elderly lady who sat at the table next to me and began telling me about how she was once on a train that crashed. Comforting. That made every bump the rest of the trip feel like an 'I survived a train wreck' story of my own was right around the corner (and this creeps me out even more since a train we coulda been on actually did crash yesterday).
And so it's on to the next part of the journey...(and there are tamales at the end of this leg, so it can't go by fast enough).
Friend: Obviously we know why you're taking a train to Denver but why are the rest of the passengers? Why aren't they flying? I'd like you to casually take a survey and find out this info for me please. Thank you.
Me: LOL I was just gonna say 'I'm not gonna take a poll as to why these people are on this train'
Friend: LOL Please. It will be fun for me and a good activity for you
(I didn't officially do this but I have found myself asking the people I interact with why they're on the train. The power of suggestion, I guess.)
----------
(Sent from my mom's phone cuz crazy aunt supposedly doesn't know how to text)
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, your mom told me about that lady who wants your cookies. Did you ask if she was single?
Me: No. She was creepy.
Crazy Aunt: You're 30, you can't be picky anymore.
(lol Thanks for that, crazy aunt. Appreciate it.)
----------
(After I suggested "forgetting" my brother at one of the train stops after a particularly trying conversation)
Mom: I will hit you so hard, you will be knocked back to prehistoric times [first name, middle name, last name]. DO NOT leave your brother in Ohio.
----------
(Late last night)
Me: We've barely said two words to each other the whole trip. I don't know how to start a conversation
Sister: "Hi [bro's name], why do you hate my guts?". If he responds and then you say something else, that's called a conversation.
----------
(About six hours into the ride)
Me: I am SO bored
Friend: lol I liked that that's how you chose to start a conversation with me. Go on, whisper sweet nothings in my ear lady killer
---
Me: Great. Now I have the Jetsons theme stuck in my head
Friend: lol Aw I loved the Jetsons movie....'The siiimpsons'. Oh shit, wrong show. I meant '....his boy elroy'
Friend: The youngest one in curls.....
Me: LOL Now we're just mashing up tv theme songs
Me: In west Philadelphia, born and raised
Friend: I suffer from TV tourettes...on the playground is where I spent most of my days
Me: And we're moving on up to the east side
Friend: I was just gonna write that! LOL
Friend: Sunday, Monday, happy days
Me: Now see, that one always throws me. I can never remember the whole song and I just repeat 'happy days, happy days' over and over lol
Friend: I know right? I was just gonna make my way down the days of the week lol....January, February happy days
Me: LOL. Sleepy, Dopey, happy days
Friend: LMAO I love you
---
(At about 11:00 at night)
Me: Well this one actually is the better route than the one that will take us to Denver. this one goes along the water for awhile
Friend: That's pretty, I love the water
Me: We have a big window too but we can't see anything now, obviously
Friend: Can you believe that I was gonna ask why lol
Me: LOL. Yes. Yes I can
Friend: I would be offended, but I walked into that one lol
----------
And, though not a text, I would like to thank the nice elderly lady who sat at the table next to me and began telling me about how she was once on a train that crashed. Comforting. That made every bump the rest of the trip feel like an 'I survived a train wreck' story of my own was right around the corner (and this creeps me out even more since a train we coulda been on actually did crash yesterday).
And so it's on to the next part of the journey...(and there are tamales at the end of this leg, so it can't go by fast enough).
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Climb The Tower, Slay The Dragon
Did you know there is a form of insomnia that can actually kill you? Neither did I until today. Whilst I'm 99% sure I don't have this condition, my inability to sleep tonight is getting on my nerves. I had a decent day and the custody pendulum swung in my direction (kind of). But all I'm accomplishing by lying down is massive amounts of tossing and turning. And so I figured I would blog. But that's not working out either. A lot to write about but I can't seem to articulate it all right now. I have at least three blogs finished that I should publish but reading them back just now, they all seem not great. So, let's blog about something positive and hope that sends me into semi-peaceful slumber.
Not too long ago I watched an old school Disney flick that my daughter is borderline obsessed with at the moment. And it occurred to me that Disney movies are blissfully unaware of everyday relationship issues, (as they should be since they're meant for little ones). They pretty much all follow the same formula; pretty girl is pursued by bad and/or vain but attractive guy she wants nothing to do with. Girl then stumbles into random situation that leads her to a perceived undesirable dude, say an incredibly hairy 8 foot tall beast or a petty thief whose best friend is a shifty monkey. Girl is able to look past the outside flaws and/or social status and see the good heart inside and falls for the guy, usually to the tune of a pretty awesome song. Together they knock off the vain guy (all implied of course since nobody dies in these movies), liberate her father (cuz there's always a father involved somehow) and the undesirable either transforms into a handsome prince or she slaps some new duds on him and makes him one. Then they, of course, live happily ever after (once they fulfill their apparent contractual obligations for a few bad sequels).
Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of these movies whether I like it or not, thanks to having grown up with a buncha girls (my first pet was even named after a character in a Disney movie). They all end up preaching the same message about not judging a book by its cover and being a good person, etc. I especially like the theme of happily ever after being in the last place you look. And I do think everyone should get to experience at least one of those fairytale, fall in love to an awesome song moments in their lifetime (click below if you have no clue what I'm talking about here or if you do what I mean and just want an excuse to watch some Disney scenes). So yeah, Disney lies and it's never that easy but it's nice to know that that feeling is possible, even if it's not simple. That's part of what makes life worth living, the possibility that your opportunity to climb to the highest floor of the tallest tower, slay the dragon and get the girl (or guy) could come at any time.
Beauty & the Beast
A Whole New World
Not too long ago I watched an old school Disney flick that my daughter is borderline obsessed with at the moment. And it occurred to me that Disney movies are blissfully unaware of everyday relationship issues, (as they should be since they're meant for little ones). They pretty much all follow the same formula; pretty girl is pursued by bad and/or vain but attractive guy she wants nothing to do with. Girl then stumbles into random situation that leads her to a perceived undesirable dude, say an incredibly hairy 8 foot tall beast or a petty thief whose best friend is a shifty monkey. Girl is able to look past the outside flaws and/or social status and see the good heart inside and falls for the guy, usually to the tune of a pretty awesome song. Together they knock off the vain guy (all implied of course since nobody dies in these movies), liberate her father (cuz there's always a father involved somehow) and the undesirable either transforms into a handsome prince or she slaps some new duds on him and makes him one. Then they, of course, live happily ever after (once they fulfill their apparent contractual obligations for a few bad sequels).
Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of these movies whether I like it or not, thanks to having grown up with a buncha girls (my first pet was even named after a character in a Disney movie). They all end up preaching the same message about not judging a book by its cover and being a good person, etc. I especially like the theme of happily ever after being in the last place you look. And I do think everyone should get to experience at least one of those fairytale, fall in love to an awesome song moments in their lifetime (click below if you have no clue what I'm talking about here or if you do what I mean and just want an excuse to watch some Disney scenes). So yeah, Disney lies and it's never that easy but it's nice to know that that feeling is possible, even if it's not simple. That's part of what makes life worth living, the possibility that your opportunity to climb to the highest floor of the tallest tower, slay the dragon and get the girl (or guy) could come at any time.
Beauty & the Beast
A Whole New World
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Know Your Enemy
The mother of my child got wind of my plans to file for sole custody and countered by filing for sole herself. I don't like confrontation and I don't want a fight so I suggested we try and hash out our issues and settle. She agreed and we started negotiating in the presence of lawyers and a mediator. Ideally, we would go back to our one week on, one week off set-up and I thought she would have no problem with that. I was wrong. We were almost settled on all matters and suddenly she changes her mind and wants to go through with trying to get sole. What changed there, I don't know. And then the mediator started to buy her crap about me being an unfit father and, long story short, I had to hand over my daughter to her mother last night and I don't get her back for two weeks. And that hurts and I already miss her like you wouldn't believe.
I know that even otherwise decent people can get very ugly and resort to stupid tricks to get what they want where custody of a child is concerned. I could never be one of those myself because I don't see any outcome as being a "win" in this situation. I just want my girl to be happy and healthy, no matter who she ends up with. But I don't believe for a second that her being with her mother primarily and seeing me only every other weekend is what's best for her. I want to be a part of my daughter's life and I don't understand how anyone could think that's a bad thing. I could never put her in a position that would endanger her. That kid has never even had a scratch on her.
As much as I miss my girl, I also feel very angry about the entire situation. Primarily because it's become apparent that someone is feeding my ex information about me and my plans. And I don't know who it is. We don't have many friends in common and I don't tell anything to the ones we do share. There are maybe five people I tell everything about my life to and I know that none of them would ever do anything to hurt me. But I'm thinking maybe the leak isn't coming from my friends. I hate to think this but I feel like the most likely culprit is a cousin with whom I have an on and off relationship with. He's made no secret that he doesn't like the way I live my life and he thinks I'm too lenient with my kid. My daughter is very well behaved so I don't know why he thinks what he does, but I haven't cared about his opinions for awhile now. I just don't want to believe he would do this to me. It's none of his business to begin with but to give someone you know wants to take my kid away information that helps them accomplish that goal...how could you do that to anyone? Even if I hated him with all my being, I would never be able to intentionally hurt him. But I think that's why we've never gotten along for more than five minutes at a time. We think very differently. I don't understand how he can treat the people he loves so cold as much as he doesn't understand the way I live my life.
I know that even otherwise decent people can get very ugly and resort to stupid tricks to get what they want where custody of a child is concerned. I could never be one of those myself because I don't see any outcome as being a "win" in this situation. I just want my girl to be happy and healthy, no matter who she ends up with. But I don't believe for a second that her being with her mother primarily and seeing me only every other weekend is what's best for her. I want to be a part of my daughter's life and I don't understand how anyone could think that's a bad thing. I could never put her in a position that would endanger her. That kid has never even had a scratch on her.
As much as I miss my girl, I also feel very angry about the entire situation. Primarily because it's become apparent that someone is feeding my ex information about me and my plans. And I don't know who it is. We don't have many friends in common and I don't tell anything to the ones we do share. There are maybe five people I tell everything about my life to and I know that none of them would ever do anything to hurt me. But I'm thinking maybe the leak isn't coming from my friends. I hate to think this but I feel like the most likely culprit is a cousin with whom I have an on and off relationship with. He's made no secret that he doesn't like the way I live my life and he thinks I'm too lenient with my kid. My daughter is very well behaved so I don't know why he thinks what he does, but I haven't cared about his opinions for awhile now. I just don't want to believe he would do this to me. It's none of his business to begin with but to give someone you know wants to take my kid away information that helps them accomplish that goal...how could you do that to anyone? Even if I hated him with all my being, I would never be able to intentionally hurt him. But I think that's why we've never gotten along for more than five minutes at a time. We think very differently. I don't understand how he can treat the people he loves so cold as much as he doesn't understand the way I live my life.
HEARTSICK.
I don't think I've ever felt worse than I do right now. And that's saying something. I hurt someone I care about very much and it was awful. It broke my heart to have to hear them crying on the other end of the line. That's something I still haven't quite rebounded from. But I don't deserve to feel any better, all of this is my fault. It's all these fucking walls. And it's timing. Something I should've done long ago but didn't because I was thrown by what was stirred up inside me. By the time I realized what I was feeling, so many other things had flared up in my life. But that's no excuse. Sometimes people say things and they just stick in your brain forever. I know this will without a doubt. As I was on that phone call I ran through a range of emotions, some I hadn't felt in a long time. I started out repentant with the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then I heard this person crying and then say they felt like they needed to bow out and my heart sank and my hands started shaking. I started fighting back tears. I can't even describe the pain in my chest, it's still almost unbearable. Eventually I came around to feeling happy, VERY happy, when we started talking the way we had before. That teenager feeling I've grown to love was in full effect, but with fewer nerves this time around. I went to bed feeling better. And then I didn't feel well at all. I didn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes I thought about what was said in the beginning of the conversation. I thought about the crying. I felt terrible again and started thinking about how this person was literally a heartbeat away from letting me go, and I wouldn't have blamed them at all for doing it. But I got a reprieve. And you know what...I need to take it and run with it. Cuz I don't like the way I made this person feel and I don't like feeling the way I do right now. And with so much in common and so much chemistry, neither of us should feel the way we do now. I need to change that.
(8/18/11)
(8/18/11)
Monday, August 15, 2011
And THIS Is Why I Drink
Awhile back I bet a friend who likes her some alky that she wouldn't be home from a night out at a decent hour. I'd started counting my victory when she arrived home and sent me a message that said, "don't count kitchens". About 5 or 7 minutes later she corrected herself and told me she meant to say, "chickens" (those 5 to 7 minutes were PRICELESS on my end since I was sober and she clearly was not). I hadn't had more than two drinks in at least six months during the time this conversation took place. I was doing very well. WAS being the keyword here.
Saturday night I was pissed off and a little depressed and hung out with a friend who's having trouble with his girl. Then we started playing shot glass checkers (BRILLIANT game). About six games in, I decided we should probably stop drinking since he was slurring his words. Now that I think back, I was likely slurring my words too but I was too buzzed to notice. So we stop playing checkers and he gets the bright idea to crack open a bottle of tequila and have "just a glass". That turned into three glasses a piece and he passed out on the couch. Enter my best friend, stone cold sober and unsure what to make of the scene before her. She took me home and stayed over to make sure I didn't die in the night. And we fought. Which we rarely do but have done twice in the past week.
I woke up Sunday morning with a headache (but those have become the norm the past week or so) and bloodshot eyes and I was so nauseated. So what did I do, you ask? Hair of the dog, girls and boys. I took a single shot of whiskey about mid-day to try and shake my symptoms and it did help a little. Then I had another drink with dinner. And another one to calm my nerves later on in the night. Around midnight or so, I was close to counting kitchens myself. And it's actually pretty pathetic since my tolerance is very high. But I haven't had two days of drinking in quite some time and my body is not liking it at all.
I woke up this morning with so many things wrong with me, I can't even explain. My phone was separated from its battery (which was under my pillow). My hair was wet but I don't remember having taken a shower. And I could've sworn I put my laptop to sleep yet somehow when I turned it on this morning, it started up as if I'd completely shut it down. A banner Monday any way you slice it. And it only got better when I was served with papers stating the mother of my child wants to change the custody arrangement. She wants to be top dog and call the shots and she's citing all kinds of dumb ass (and untrue) concerns about me to try and get her way. I was pissed off about it but I've since moved on to just being sad. Not about the situation but about her in general. I adore my daughter and I care about her mother, though I don't agree with almost anything she does anymore. Maybe that's my problem, I can't just stop caring about the people who are important to me. Anyway, I'm sad that she can't just let go of this whole 'happy family' scenario she has running through her head. It was never meant to be and I don't truly believe she was ever really in love with me to begin with. I'm sad she can't just let it go and move on with her life. There are going to be other people for both of us and she's gotta accept that. And I don't get how she could just not care about me at all and instead bring out all these nasty allegations against me. We're the only two people on earth who share this amazing little being that is our daughter but rather than enjoy the ride, whatever it brings, her mother insists on bringing drama. And now I know why I've been drinking for two days. Something out there in the universe knew I was gonna need it.
Saturday night I was pissed off and a little depressed and hung out with a friend who's having trouble with his girl. Then we started playing shot glass checkers (BRILLIANT game). About six games in, I decided we should probably stop drinking since he was slurring his words. Now that I think back, I was likely slurring my words too but I was too buzzed to notice. So we stop playing checkers and he gets the bright idea to crack open a bottle of tequila and have "just a glass". That turned into three glasses a piece and he passed out on the couch. Enter my best friend, stone cold sober and unsure what to make of the scene before her. She took me home and stayed over to make sure I didn't die in the night. And we fought. Which we rarely do but have done twice in the past week.
I woke up Sunday morning with a headache (but those have become the norm the past week or so) and bloodshot eyes and I was so nauseated. So what did I do, you ask? Hair of the dog, girls and boys. I took a single shot of whiskey about mid-day to try and shake my symptoms and it did help a little. Then I had another drink with dinner. And another one to calm my nerves later on in the night. Around midnight or so, I was close to counting kitchens myself. And it's actually pretty pathetic since my tolerance is very high. But I haven't had two days of drinking in quite some time and my body is not liking it at all.
I woke up this morning with so many things wrong with me, I can't even explain. My phone was separated from its battery (which was under my pillow). My hair was wet but I don't remember having taken a shower. And I could've sworn I put my laptop to sleep yet somehow when I turned it on this morning, it started up as if I'd completely shut it down. A banner Monday any way you slice it. And it only got better when I was served with papers stating the mother of my child wants to change the custody arrangement. She wants to be top dog and call the shots and she's citing all kinds of dumb ass (and untrue) concerns about me to try and get her way. I was pissed off about it but I've since moved on to just being sad. Not about the situation but about her in general. I adore my daughter and I care about her mother, though I don't agree with almost anything she does anymore. Maybe that's my problem, I can't just stop caring about the people who are important to me. Anyway, I'm sad that she can't just let go of this whole 'happy family' scenario she has running through her head. It was never meant to be and I don't truly believe she was ever really in love with me to begin with. I'm sad she can't just let it go and move on with her life. There are going to be other people for both of us and she's gotta accept that. And I don't get how she could just not care about me at all and instead bring out all these nasty allegations against me. We're the only two people on earth who share this amazing little being that is our daughter but rather than enjoy the ride, whatever it brings, her mother insists on bringing drama. And now I know why I've been drinking for two days. Something out there in the universe knew I was gonna need it.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
And Now It's Time For A VENT
The mother of my child has been making good progress in her recovery. So much so that we've talked about her visits being longer and more frequent. I thought we'd agreed that this altered schedule was gonna start this weekend. I asked her during our visit on Wednesday if she could take our daughter and she said she couldn't. Fine. How about Sunday and/or Monday? I know our daughter misses her and doesn't understand the situation so maybe if she gets an extended period of time with her, it'll make her feel better. She said Sunday and Monday would probably work and she'd get back to me. I know she likes to last minute stuff so I asked her to let me know before today because I have plans tomorrow. She agreed. Thursday....nothing. Friday comes and suddenly she forgets how to return a message (or three messages, as it were) so I get up early this morning and find her and ask her what's going on. Now she says she can't take her either day because her lawyer says she shouldn't take her during times that aren't listed in the custody agreement. I told her that's crap, she can see her kid whenever she wants to but she still won't budge. Then she makes a comment about why I want her to take the kid for an overnight now and I get pissed off. She didn't change her mind because of custody. Someone tipped her off about what my plans are. And I can't believe she'd be so fucking childish.
And now I'm PISSED off because I'm screwed. I've fucked up these plans before and this person has been more patient than I deserve them to be. I finally start to get over all my reservations and self-sabotage crap and now it's the ex issues that flare up. I really, really, really don't wanna lose this person. But I can't say I'd blame them for deciding to pick up their marbles and go home. And I feel terrible. And I'm mad dashing to find something that will work or go right this morning. And I'm nauseous at the thought of my having possibly blown it for the last time. Ugh...
And now I'm PISSED off because I'm screwed. I've fucked up these plans before and this person has been more patient than I deserve them to be. I finally start to get over all my reservations and self-sabotage crap and now it's the ex issues that flare up. I really, really, really don't wanna lose this person. But I can't say I'd blame them for deciding to pick up their marbles and go home. And I feel terrible. And I'm mad dashing to find something that will work or go right this morning. And I'm nauseous at the thought of my having possibly blown it for the last time. Ugh...
Friday, August 12, 2011
Family Ties
You know those mornings when you feel like everything you do is wrong? Or when you feel left out of major decisions? Well, this has been one of those mornings for me. Years ago an ex-girlfriend told me she thought I had too much responsibility in my family. She pointed out that I'm a middle child; I'm number three of six six in the house I grew up in and I'm technically my mom's middle child (if only by two minutes). According to this ex, I shouldn't have to be as "involved" as I am in family matters cuz I'm not one of the oldest in the family. I didn't buy her argument then and I don't buy it now. (Just for some perspective, she was the youngest of 7 kids and I never heard her talk about having to take an active role in family biz).
It's not like anyone's forcing me to play the part I do in my family. It's my own damn fault I care too much about people. And that's not even really a fault, at least I don't consider it one. I would rather care too much than not enough. But it sucks when your offers of support and love are thrown back at you and you have no idea what you even did to deserve it. I could gain magic powers and conjure up both of my brother's birth parents to come back from the dead and tell him he was their favorite son and it would not be enough for him. Same with my cousin (referred to in the last post as D.M.C.), I could change myself to be his carbon copy and do everything the way he thinks it should be done and he would still find some aspect of the way I live my life to nitpick about. And I don't understand it. I don't get how you can lay into someone before they even say a word to you. Or how you can just decide to cut someone you supposedly love off for answering a question that YOU asked them to answer. It's stupid and it doesn't make any sense. And I'm just done with it all.
It's not like anyone's forcing me to play the part I do in my family. It's my own damn fault I care too much about people. And that's not even really a fault, at least I don't consider it one. I would rather care too much than not enough. But it sucks when your offers of support and love are thrown back at you and you have no idea what you even did to deserve it. I could gain magic powers and conjure up both of my brother's birth parents to come back from the dead and tell him he was their favorite son and it would not be enough for him. Same with my cousin (referred to in the last post as D.M.C.), I could change myself to be his carbon copy and do everything the way he thinks it should be done and he would still find some aspect of the way I live my life to nitpick about. And I don't understand it. I don't get how you can lay into someone before they even say a word to you. Or how you can just decide to cut someone you supposedly love off for answering a question that YOU asked them to answer. It's stupid and it doesn't make any sense. And I'm just done with it all.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
It's The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel....Confused
In the past 8 hours:
~ Cousin D.M.C (yes, those are his actual initials) reunited with his ex-girlfriend whom he swore he was done with unless she was ready to marry him and have his babies right now.
~ Cousin A.J.C. sent his girlfriend of 6 years packing for the last time, even though she came around and said she was ready to talk marriage and kids.
~ Sis-in-law informed everyone she no longer wants to file for divorce and she's calling in a favor to try and get my brother moved back home so he can recover where he wants.
WTF?
Oh, and blog author me got in a full 6 hours of sleep last night.
Truly the end is upon us, my friends...
~ Cousin D.M.C (yes, those are his actual initials) reunited with his ex-girlfriend whom he swore he was done with unless she was ready to marry him and have his babies right now.
~ Cousin A.J.C. sent his girlfriend of 6 years packing for the last time, even though she came around and said she was ready to talk marriage and kids.
~ Sis-in-law informed everyone she no longer wants to file for divorce and she's calling in a favor to try and get my brother moved back home so he can recover where he wants.
WTF?
Oh, and blog author me got in a full 6 hours of sleep last night.
Truly the end is upon us, my friends...
Monday, August 8, 2011
When I Grow Up To Be...Whatever The Hell It Is I Wanna Be
Perhaps not surprisingly, I haven't worked a single hour since my brother's incident. Also not surprisingly, the producer of the project I was working on isn't happy about the current state of affairs. I swore I'd finish it within the next month and then I sat there and thought for a second. I don't enjoy my current profession. At all. I love editing, I always have, but I think I enjoyed it more when I was putting together my own projects. Even this current one I was working on was about a subject I'm passionate about, but I couldn't force myself to sit down and work some days. So I've decided I'm likely gonna bow out of the game after I finish this project. I'm kinda sad about that but also kinda stoked.
Last night a fellow out of work friend and I tossed around ideas about how we could support ourselves with minimum effort. Many ideas were brought up (did you know that "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" is still on? Neither did I.) but in the end I believe it was decided that the best course of action would be for each of us to marry rich. Then divorce rich, take the cash and run off with each other. If that's not a solid plan with no loopholes, then I don't know what is. Whilst this plan has not yet officially been shot down, it's probably wise to think of other ways to accomplish that small goal of supporting oneself.
Later on in the same conversation I was asked what I really wanted to do with myself. And I have no answer for that. I have some ideas but none that I'm really in love with. I feel like I want my next job to mean something and contribute positively to the world in some way. I know that sounds big but I've noticed that helping others is something I love to do. How I would go about doing that is not clear yet, but I'm gonna look into it. But if that doesn't work out, there's always the marry rich plan. What chick doesn't wanna marry a dude with a kid and let him spend her money in any way he sees fit, right?
Last night a fellow out of work friend and I tossed around ideas about how we could support ourselves with minimum effort. Many ideas were brought up (did you know that "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" is still on? Neither did I.) but in the end I believe it was decided that the best course of action would be for each of us to marry rich. Then divorce rich, take the cash and run off with each other. If that's not a solid plan with no loopholes, then I don't know what is. Whilst this plan has not yet officially been shot down, it's probably wise to think of other ways to accomplish that small goal of supporting oneself.
Later on in the same conversation I was asked what I really wanted to do with myself. And I have no answer for that. I have some ideas but none that I'm really in love with. I feel like I want my next job to mean something and contribute positively to the world in some way. I know that sounds big but I've noticed that helping others is something I love to do. How I would go about doing that is not clear yet, but I'm gonna look into it. But if that doesn't work out, there's always the marry rich plan. What chick doesn't wanna marry a dude with a kid and let him spend her money in any way he sees fit, right?
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I'm Just A Confused Child, A Ball Of Raw Emotions...
I spent a few hours in the hospital this week for dehydration and anxiety issues. While I was being admitted the nurse asked me if I had any known allergies and I said that the only thing I'm allergic to is my own happiness. And she laughed, which was the intent. But it's true. You know how you think you've buried a bad habit and then it comes rearing its ugly head with a greater vengeance than before? Yeah, I'm there. And I don't understand it at all. In my previous life I rarely said how I felt, I kept my emotions to myself. If I was hurt or upset, I just stewed until the the feeling left me and never said anything about it to anyone (well, very few people). It only got worse during 'the dark ages' when I kept secrets about my behavior and internalized everything I was going through. But for the past few years I've taken an attitude of saying how I feel when I feel it, whether or not it's a good idea. Obviously it's not always a good idea and it can backfire but I prefer to live this way rather than keeping everything inside and unspoken.
One thing that will likely never change is that if I feel something, I feel it 1000% and I throw myself into it, usually tuning out the rest of the world in the process. If I don't feel something, I'm about as apathetic as a person can get. (Though sometimes apathy creeps in even when I do care, as I've written before, also here) I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. Yes, it's good to give into your feelings and just get caught up in them sometimes. But not all the time. Example - once upon a time I fell HARD and within weeks for somebody and we were clearly feeling the same things but the difference was that I was giving in to it and she was resisting. She thought it was too soon for her to feel the way she did so she stopped herself. Suddenly I was left the odd man out when she decided to walk away. It lingered for a long time and it was very 'Ross and Rachel' except it didn't work out in the end. It couldn't.
Then there's the other part of my personality that I wouldn't acknowledge for the longest time. I am a fickle dude. I thought it was one trait I'd put to rest along with the 'dark ages' but now I'm not so sure. My interest still seems to wane quite a bit and I don't even notice it until later on. I wonder what that's all about. How can I be so endlessly loyal to friends and family, yet be hot one minute and cold the next with the chicks I date? Not that I haven't been (and still am in some ways) loyal to the women I've dated. If I'm dating someone, I'm only dating that one person and I'm focused on what that is and/or could become. But it's like the littlest things can change my mind about someone and I switch over to apathy mode and it bites the dust. Healthy? I'm thinking no. Maybe it's a defense mechanism.
While we're examining what's wrong with me, let's thrown in my fear of completely fucking up anything that I touch. It's stupid. And it's annoying. I shouldn't worry about it so much. But it's like the more I care, the more afraid I become. Which obviously only causes more problems. *sigh* My head hurts (amongst other things) but I can't stop thinking about this. And I shouldn't. Not until I figure out what the hell is wrong with me, (aside from the norm of my being an idiot.) I need sleep...
One thing that will likely never change is that if I feel something, I feel it 1000% and I throw myself into it, usually tuning out the rest of the world in the process. If I don't feel something, I'm about as apathetic as a person can get. (Though sometimes apathy creeps in even when I do care, as I've written before, also here) I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. Yes, it's good to give into your feelings and just get caught up in them sometimes. But not all the time. Example - once upon a time I fell HARD and within weeks for somebody and we were clearly feeling the same things but the difference was that I was giving in to it and she was resisting. She thought it was too soon for her to feel the way she did so she stopped herself. Suddenly I was left the odd man out when she decided to walk away. It lingered for a long time and it was very 'Ross and Rachel' except it didn't work out in the end. It couldn't.
Then there's the other part of my personality that I wouldn't acknowledge for the longest time. I am a fickle dude. I thought it was one trait I'd put to rest along with the 'dark ages' but now I'm not so sure. My interest still seems to wane quite a bit and I don't even notice it until later on. I wonder what that's all about. How can I be so endlessly loyal to friends and family, yet be hot one minute and cold the next with the chicks I date? Not that I haven't been (and still am in some ways) loyal to the women I've dated. If I'm dating someone, I'm only dating that one person and I'm focused on what that is and/or could become. But it's like the littlest things can change my mind about someone and I switch over to apathy mode and it bites the dust. Healthy? I'm thinking no. Maybe it's a defense mechanism.
While we're examining what's wrong with me, let's thrown in my fear of completely fucking up anything that I touch. It's stupid. And it's annoying. I shouldn't worry about it so much. But it's like the more I care, the more afraid I become. Which obviously only causes more problems. *sigh* My head hurts (amongst other things) but I can't stop thinking about this. And I shouldn't. Not until I figure out what the hell is wrong with me, (aside from the norm of my being an idiot.) I need sleep...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Better Now
What a long, strange and wild ride the past week has been. First off, my brother is awake and alert and it would appear that the very worst is over. I still don't have the whole story but that's a post for another day. More good news is that he's speaking to me again and I can't tell you how happy I am about that (we hadn't spoken for a month prior to all this). This whole getting-his-ass-kicked thing has turned out to be a blessing in disguise, in more ways than one. It's apparently snapped him out of his two year funk over our father's death, but that was probably helped by mom telling us the entire story about why the dude was never around. I think he needed to hear the whole story and now that he has, he realizes that not knowing the guy was no big loss. Oh yeah, and there's also the discovery of a non-cancerous brain tumor knocking around in his head. Yeah. That one was very unexpected (well, this entire situation was really). It is operable but they may not need to remove it right away. It's a slow growing tumor that's probably been there for years. The concern is that it may have already affected his behavior and it could produce seizures in the future. It explains so much of his erratic...ness (if that's a word) the past few years though.
This week has been one of the most exhausting and stressful weeks of my entire life. I feel drained both physically and emotionally. The one thing I keep coming back to is that I cannot imagine what it was like for my family to be at my bedside for two weeks and then some after my accident. I've always thought that experience was harder on them than it was on me and now I know for sure. It's crazy the places your mind goes when you're so stressed out and faced with so much uncertainty. The few times I actually got sleep, I had dreams about stuff that happened between my brother and me when we were kids. When my brother was 10 and the three of us had our first day of Catholic school. Some kid, the school bully, was picking on him and he told the kid that both his sister AND his brother would beat him down if he kept it up. He pointed us out across the gym and the kid harassed him even more saying there was no way we were related to him because my brother was lighter skinned than my sister and I (because everyone knows that's the determining factor in related-ness). My brother started crying because he was upset that someone told him we weren't his siblings. He was glued to my side for two months after that. And I, of course, found it annoying. But I never told him to go away. We never fought as kids. It's amazing how that's completely changed as adults.
This has been a learning experience for just about everyone involved in it. What I've learned is that I may be too hard on my brother. I'm not apologizing for saying I think he's making a huge mistake in pulling away from is family and I'm not condoning his decision to basically take two years off from the world. but I've realized that I've definitely played a part in our relationship ending up where it is now. I grew up in a household with six kids so I basically have two sisters and three brothers, two of those brothers younger than me. The way I treat them is very different though and I didn't catch on to that until the other day. There's something to that and I wanna figure out what it is and see what I can change. It's gonna be a two-way street and once he's up to it, we'll figure out what's next. I do not look forward to that conversation but that's a worry for another day.
I wanna say a HUGE thank you to anyone and everyone who has been a source of support the past week. If not for ya'll, I could've gone in a completely different direction in dealing with all this. I am extremely thankful for the people in my life. Not that it was all you. I mean, I was the one who chose not to go the bad way in coping. Perhaps this is what people refer to as....what's the word? Oh yeah, growth. ;p
This week has been one of the most exhausting and stressful weeks of my entire life. I feel drained both physically and emotionally. The one thing I keep coming back to is that I cannot imagine what it was like for my family to be at my bedside for two weeks and then some after my accident. I've always thought that experience was harder on them than it was on me and now I know for sure. It's crazy the places your mind goes when you're so stressed out and faced with so much uncertainty. The few times I actually got sleep, I had dreams about stuff that happened between my brother and me when we were kids. When my brother was 10 and the three of us had our first day of Catholic school. Some kid, the school bully, was picking on him and he told the kid that both his sister AND his brother would beat him down if he kept it up. He pointed us out across the gym and the kid harassed him even more saying there was no way we were related to him because my brother was lighter skinned than my sister and I (because everyone knows that's the determining factor in related-ness). My brother started crying because he was upset that someone told him we weren't his siblings. He was glued to my side for two months after that. And I, of course, found it annoying. But I never told him to go away. We never fought as kids. It's amazing how that's completely changed as adults.
This has been a learning experience for just about everyone involved in it. What I've learned is that I may be too hard on my brother. I'm not apologizing for saying I think he's making a huge mistake in pulling away from is family and I'm not condoning his decision to basically take two years off from the world. but I've realized that I've definitely played a part in our relationship ending up where it is now. I grew up in a household with six kids so I basically have two sisters and three brothers, two of those brothers younger than me. The way I treat them is very different though and I didn't catch on to that until the other day. There's something to that and I wanna figure out what it is and see what I can change. It's gonna be a two-way street and once he's up to it, we'll figure out what's next. I do not look forward to that conversation but that's a worry for another day.
I wanna say a HUGE thank you to anyone and everyone who has been a source of support the past week. If not for ya'll, I could've gone in a completely different direction in dealing with all this. I am extremely thankful for the people in my life. Not that it was all you. I mean, I was the one who chose not to go the bad way in coping. Perhaps this is what people refer to as....what's the word? Oh yeah, growth. ;p
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