I spent a few hours in the hospital this week for dehydration and anxiety issues. While I was being admitted the nurse asked me if I had any known allergies and I said that the only thing I'm allergic to is my own happiness. And she laughed, which was the intent. But it's true. You know how you think you've buried a bad habit and then it comes rearing its ugly head with a greater vengeance than before? Yeah, I'm there. And I don't understand it at all. In my previous life I rarely said how I felt, I kept my emotions to myself. If I was hurt or upset, I just stewed until the the feeling left me and never said anything about it to anyone (well, very few people). It only got worse during 'the dark ages' when I kept secrets about my behavior and internalized everything I was going through. But for the past few years I've taken an attitude of saying how I feel when I feel it, whether or not it's a good idea. Obviously it's not always a good idea and it can backfire but I prefer to live this way rather than keeping everything inside and unspoken.
One thing that will likely never change is that if I feel something, I feel it 1000% and I throw myself into it, usually tuning out the rest of the world in the process. If I don't feel something, I'm about as apathetic as a person can get. (Though sometimes apathy creeps in even when I do care, as I've written before, also here) I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. Yes, it's good to give into your feelings and just get caught up in them sometimes. But not all the time. Example - once upon a time I fell HARD and within weeks for somebody and we were clearly feeling the same things but the difference was that I was giving in to it and she was resisting. She thought it was too soon for her to feel the way she did so she stopped herself. Suddenly I was left the odd man out when she decided to walk away. It lingered for a long time and it was very 'Ross and Rachel' except it didn't work out in the end. It couldn't.
Then there's the other part of my personality that I wouldn't acknowledge for the longest time. I am a fickle dude. I thought it was one trait I'd put to rest along with the 'dark ages' but now I'm not so sure. My interest still seems to wane quite a bit and I don't even notice it until later on. I wonder what that's all about. How can I be so endlessly loyal to friends and family, yet be hot one minute and cold the next with the chicks I date? Not that I haven't been (and still am in some ways) loyal to the women I've dated. If I'm dating someone, I'm only dating that one person and I'm focused on what that is and/or could become. But it's like the littlest things can change my mind about someone and I switch over to apathy mode and it bites the dust. Healthy? I'm thinking no. Maybe it's a defense mechanism.
While we're examining what's wrong with me, let's thrown in my fear of completely fucking up anything that I touch. It's stupid. And it's annoying. I shouldn't worry about it so much. But it's like the more I care, the more afraid I become. Which obviously only causes more problems. *sigh* My head hurts (amongst other things) but I can't stop thinking about this. And I shouldn't. Not until I figure out what the hell is wrong with me, (aside from the norm of my being an idiot.) I need sleep...
