I don't think I've ever felt worse than I do right now. And that's saying something. I hurt someone I care about very much and it was awful. It broke my heart to have to hear them crying on the other end of the line. That's something I still haven't quite rebounded from. But I don't deserve to feel any better, all of this is my fault. It's all these fucking walls. And it's timing. Something I should've done long ago but didn't because I was thrown by what was stirred up inside me. By the time I realized what I was feeling, so many other things had flared up in my life. But that's no excuse. Sometimes people say things and they just stick in your brain forever. I know this will without a doubt. As I was on that phone call I ran through a range of emotions, some I hadn't felt in a long time. I started out repentant with the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then I heard this person crying and then say they felt like they needed to bow out and my heart sank and my hands started shaking. I started fighting back tears. I can't even describe the pain in my chest, it's still almost unbearable. Eventually I came around to feeling happy, VERY happy, when we started talking the way we had before. That teenager feeling I've grown to love was in full effect, but with fewer nerves this time around. I went to bed feeling better. And then I didn't feel well at all. I didn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes I thought about what was said in the beginning of the conversation. I thought about the crying. I felt terrible again and started thinking about how this person was literally a heartbeat away from letting me go, and I wouldn't have blamed them at all for doing it. But I got a reprieve. And you know what...I need to take it and run with it. Cuz I don't like the way I made this person feel and I don't like feeling the way I do right now. And with so much in common and so much chemistry, neither of us should feel the way we do now. I need to change that.
(8/18/11)
