iFlop

One of my best friends just got an iPhone. Hilarity ensues.

G: So there's some sound out there and it's not good but she decides to go see anyway and gets her arm chopped off.
Me: That's gross. And also, stupid.
G: I know! White people, man . . .
Me: lol That's your answer to everything. And it's even more hilarious since you and [best friend] are half white but refuse to acknowledge it.
G: I will acknowledge my half when you acknowledge that you are a reporter.
Me: LOL. I confess! I'm a reporter!
G: LOL. Fuck. **A QUARTER, as in a quarter white.
Me: lol Oh I know what you meant.
Me: I'm thoroughly enjoying your new phone.
G: Sigh. You and everyone else but me. It's okay, I know you love Istanbul. You can admit it.
Me: LOL Uh...I will admit to liking Istanbul as a fiend. I can't commit to loving it though.
G: LOL Istanbul is a fiend? Now that sounds Reese's.
G: FML. **RAPIST
G: RACIST
G: Wait, where is Istanbul anyway?
Me: . . . Why did you text me?
G: LOL I don't even remember.
Me: Btw, Turkey.
G: Choking. What the hell are we talking about?
Me: Choking?
G: Jesus Christo. *Chicken.
Me: You're choking chicken? Gross.
G: lol I hate you.

(Btw, "Istanbul" was apparently supposed to be "it". . . We don't know how that happened either.)

Five Rounds With Jack Daniels

You ever have one of those moments where you start out sober and someone makes a suggestion that sounds like a terrible idea, but once you've had a few it is the most fantastic thing you've ever heard in your life? Me too. I began the night all full of emotion and angsty about a lot of stuff but I ended the night...well, passed the hell out (upside: I was feeling no emotions and no pain). I haven't really had a drink in almost a month and I haven't missed it. Even when I do drink now, I only have one or two at the most. Not this time. And it wasn't even intentional. I'd started drinking some lemonade with dinner before a friend told me it was spiked (which I should have known since this chick would spike air if she could). No biggie, I finished it and finished eating. But I went back for more. And then another one, all while playing some Texas Hold 'Em with a bunch of lousy poker players. Four lemonades in I was all kindsa buzzed (but not drunk shockingly, my tolerance is pathetically low now that I'm drugged up) and quite talkative. I went on a rather long winded rant about my brother and my father and one of my uncles and how they're all the same person since they all have a history of being child-abandoning jerks. The friend who spiked my drink is as brash and aggressive as someone can get and she suggested I call my brother and, whether he answers or not, tell him exactly how I feel. Now sober I would've nixed this idea in the development stage but four lemonades in, it sounded like the best advice anyone had ever given me in the history of life. One more lemonade and ten voicemails later, I felt much better about the brother situation. I don't even care if he ever listens to the messages I left, I said what I needed to say. So I'm still sad about it but I'm not gonna fight with him anymore. It is what it is and I did what I could and that's the end of it for me.
As if that wasn't enough excitement for one evening, my friends decided it would be a great idea to watch "Titanic". And being that I'm obsessed with that subject and I had been drinking, I felt the need to repeat every fact twice. Occasionally I had to be told to use my inside voice because I got too excited (Nerd alert: I just got a new DVD of documentaries and a new book on the subject, and found out I'm going to one of the exhibitions in April for my birthday so I was a little bit amped up). I haven't been sleeping lately so I didn't think I'd make it through the entire three hours of the movie but I did and then was too wired to sleep and too buzzed to go home by myself. So we played a few games of Scrabble while discussing the pros and cons of joining a dodgeball league together and I ended my evening by falling asleep to the sounds of people debating who has become a bigger slut since college. Yeah. So I guess I broke even and had a productive night.

First Comes Love, Then Comes...?

I'm tired. I'm always tired with the anemia but last night I didn't get much sleep and I don't anticipate getting much tonight. It's a weird feeling because I'm tired but not...tired, if that makes sense. Like my body is tired but my brain is rebelling and so I stay awake.
I got into a lively discussion today with friends about marriage and family and whether "forever" is even possible anymore. And, if it's not, then why is that? All of us had at least one couple in our families that were married 20 years or more, yet none of us have been able to keep a relationship together for longer than 6 years. Friend A always wanted to get married and was engaged to her high school sweetheart, until he told her he didn't want to get married. It was so important to her that she ended it with him and, a decade later, is happily unmarried to Friend E (whom she also met in high school). Friend N is a bit of a commitment-phobe who has always been in and out of relationships but wants to have a family sooner rather than later. Friend R was briefly married and is on the fence about doing it again. And Friend G has been married a year and tends to lean towards the old fashioned side when it comes to relationships. And by now, ya'll know where I stand on it so this was basically a convo where 90% of the participants were anti-marriage.
I don't have many friends who are married. Whole lotta engagements in my crew but nothing that's actually made it to the altar. My mom once told me that every chick is marriage minded because they're wired that way and warned that if I was waiting for one who wasn't before I committed, I was going to end up a confirmed bachelor. Mind you, my mother would auction me off to be married to the highest bidder at this point and she thinks that women "let their men off too easy" by not getting married. Curiously, she does not bother my sister about getting hitched even though she's been with the same dude for 14 years. But I can tell you that my sister is definitely not a marriage minded chick and she never has been. Why I'm supposed to take a wife even though I don't want one is beyond me. Maybe it's a mom thing. Anyway, I've never told my mom I'm a definite 'no' on marriage because I don't want the argument that would bring. I'm sure she knows anyway cuz mothers know everything but I don't tell and she don't ask and we're both just fine with things as they are.
So all that said, I threw my mom's view that it's women who have played the biggest part in this whole trend of not getting married, by not "requiring" (for lack of a better word) it from their dudes. All but Friend N have met my mother and were not surprised by her point of view. But no one really agreed. Marriage is a two person dance and it can be just as important to dudes as it is to the ladies. You want what you want and if you want to get hitched, you'll find someone like minded (or at least you should if you know it's something you need). I think that subject should be discussed fairly early on so everyone's on the same page. The one thing the whole party agreed with is that marriage isn't what it used to be. It's not this big, epic, til death commitment. If I ever did make that kind of commitment (cuz, you know, we could all take a journey into the Twilight Zone), that's how I would go into it. When I got engaged, it was something I intended to do only once and I was fully committed to her and the decision. But at the same time I feel like if I chose to have more kids with someone, that would be a bigger commitment than marriage. It would for me anyway. But I don't think in terms of forever anymore since I did that once and it didn't work out the way we wanted it to and that word haunted me for years afterward. So I guess what's possible varies depending on who you talk to and the experiences they've had.

You Could Have Children and A Wife, A Perfect Little Life

My sister-in-law has finally bitten the bullet and filed for divorce from my jackass brother. And it's about freakin' time. I was talking about the situation with friends this morning and realized that for the life of me, I cannot figure out why she married him in the first place. I mean, they had a son and had been together for eons already but part of me thinks she had to have known he wouldn't change just because they put a ring on it. But, as one friend mentioned, maybe she just felt like it was the next logical thing to do since they'd done everything else. And I know she loved him, and still does in some ways. I can't exactly talk since I once proposed for the same reason. She said she wanted to marry me, I sat with it for a few and then decided it was the next step to take and there you have it. Obviously it was a mistake and I proposed for all the wrong reasons. But I don't regret it. It opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself and about what I do and don't want in my life. It was terrible while I was going through it but I'm actually thankful for the entire experience now. Same with the best friend and her "marriage" and for my friends who have also had broken engagements. You go through it, you learn from it and you grow. So even though it's tough for the sister-in-law to go through all this right now (and especially this year), I'm just hoping she comes out with the same kind of clarity that the rest of us did. But I know it won't be quick or easy to get over the situation.
Then in the other corner of the ring is my jackass brother (I think that's just what I'll call him now). The irony of this whole thing being that he didn't want to become a father because he wanted to devote himself to his career. Which HE gave up on during his college years, only to end up in a similar field but not doing what he always thought he'd be. Nobody made him stop, in fact we all pitched in so he could still try and achieve his dream. But he didn't care. I've tried to hammer home to him so many times that people would kill for what he has (or I guess had); great kids, an amazing wife who adored him and a job that was pretty damn good. Of course it wasn't perfect but it was a lot better than some people have it or ever will have it. I guess I'm just surprised and confused by his apathy about it all. Especially since the more dire the situation became, the more he just didn't give a fuck. And I mean about ANYTHING. Not work, not family, not his own life. I know there's something else going on with him beneath the surface but if he won't tell me, I can't help him. And that's frustrating. But I can't force him to tell me and I won't let him lay into me anymore about why I'm the one who fucked up his life.

Someday You Will Realize That You've Done Too Much For Someone That The Only Next Possible Step Is To Stop

So I did myself a favor this morning and talked to someone from the outside about what's going on with my brother. That person gave me the quote that is the title of this post (apparently it originated, for her at least, from Twitter but who cares). And it was very appropriate for this situation. I think I am done with my brother's drama. Obviously he doesn't want the help so I'm not going to even try anymore. How I feel about that decision . . . jury's still out.

What Happens When You Start A Conversation With, "You're Such A F*cking Idiot"

I had a bad night. Like, I'm about to crawl into bed and pull the covers all the way over me kinda bad. My best friend's father, who is very much like a father to me, is in town and we met up with a couple other people for dinner. The evening would've gone great if not for my brother's last minute decision to show up. He was invited (kinda) but was supposed to leave town yesterday and since no one had heard anything, we all assumed he was gone. But he wasn't and he showed up while we were getting ready to eat. I knew he'd been drinking already because he avoids eye contact with me like it's the plague whenever he knows he's done something wrong. He wouldn't acknowledge me when I asked him about us taking a minute to talk. So I kept pushing the issue, which in hindsight was probably not the right thing to do but subtlety is not one of my strengths. Finally the kids went to bed and he launched into me yet again about how I am the cause of all of the problems in his entire life.
My brother can hold a grudge like nobody I know (except maybe my mom, but she doesn't hold them for non-existent crap) and this problem is not new for us. I'm the reason he's never been a father to his kids. I'm the reason his wife is leaving him. Yep, all me. Because I apparently had time to sabotage his life while I was busy fucking up my own. The whole reasoning is ridiculous. He uses my 'dark ages' period to condone what he's doing now ("you fucked up too") and when it's not that, it's my "pressuring" him when he was younger. Mind you, my siblings and I NEVER fought as kids and his issues with me began when he knocked up his girlfriend and was actually considering telling her to give the baby up. Because his future was more important that taking responsibility for what he created. Then, when the baby was born, I moved in with them (into a place we couldn't even afford) and tried to encourage him to be a father to his kid. When that didn't take, I stayed up all night with his son and I took his girlfriend to doctor's appointments (cuz I'm a horrible person like that). He did whatever the hell he wanted when he wanted to do it and very rarely did that involve being around his child. He complains that I never "let" him be a father cuz I "took over" but he wasn't interested to begin with. It's like he wants me to apologize for being closer to his kids than he is and being a father figure to them and I will never apologize for that. I wish he would've stepped up so I didn't have to but it is what it is now. Then after I reached the 'epic final battle' phase with my demons, I went and did what I needed to do to get better and he had to actually apply himself at being a family man (god forbid!) and even though it went well for awhile, he's still pissed off that I "made" him do it. WTF?!
I guess everything that's been built up for the past decade finally became too much tonight. I don't like confrontation at all but if you upset me enough, I will respond and it will not be pretty. And it wasn't. He bitched and moaned about everything I just mentioned and I pointed out to him that when I was off fucking up, I was in a selfish phase of my life and didn't have a wife and kids to think about. Then he took a dig at the fact that I don't have a wife and that all of my relationships go up in flames, etc., etc. And I walked away. Because it wasn't worth the argument. But he kept pushing and then ended up rambling on about how he's probably not responsible for all his bad decisions because of his tumor and how no one shows any sympathy about his tumor. Big fucking deal. Part of my brain and, essentially, parts of my life are missing and you don't hear me bitching about it every other sentence. Shit happens and you deal with it and you move on with your life. I brought up the fact that his whole "journey" began when our father died and that it's ironic how he's just like the bastard. It was at that point that my brother took a swing at me. He missed (he's never been a good fighter), there was some pushing and shoving and then took off, leaving two crying toddlers and a bunch of pissed off family members in his wake. Since then I've been dealing with the familial fallout. Because news of any kind spreads like wildfire through my family (seriously, my family is like the town of Mayberry. Everybody and their grandmother will know about this before morning).
It was all very unnecessary in my opinion. I don't know why I even bothered to try and talk to him, he doesn't listen anyway and I knew he wouldn't. But the almost going to blows...that was a new one. And definitely unexpected. I don't make any decisions without thinking about them first but I think I may be done. I will always be there for his wife and kids, even after she files divorce papers (which she's doing next week), but for him? No. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the bad guy when I didn't even do anything to him. I never would do anything to hurt him. In spite of all this mess, I love him very much and I want him to be happy. But I don't know what to do anymore. And not knowing what to do has me...down. Throwaway night for sure.

Quick Hits

~ My brother is in town for a job interview and planned to crash on my couch. I nixed that idea when I found out it was his bright idea to move thousands of miles away from his wife and kids, and not the Mrs. idea as he had led me to believe. He stayed with a friend until last night when we talked out some stuff. He says he still intends to move across the country (though not here) for his new job. Fantastic.

~ The mother of my child has a new boy toy and, here's the shocker, I actually like him. He's spent small amounts of time with our daughter the past few months or so and he went with us last week when she had to go to the ER for (yet another) spontaneous fever episode. So far he seems like a solid dude and certainly better than the last jackass she dated. She seems happy and things between us are better than they've ever been and that's awesome.

~ My teenager is on the hunt for an apartment of her own (well, her and a few roomies) and is looking to be out of my place by March. I've known about this for months but it's just now sinking in that she's not going to be down the hallway anymore. I'm very proud of her but I know I will miss her like crazy. My mom's solution to my new spare room? "You should have another baby!". *sigh* Can't win 'em all, I guess.

~ I had the weirdest end of the world dream last week. My mom, two friends and myself were in the attic of some school building and all I could think was, "Why aren't we in a basement?!". I think it was tornadoes or something outside that were bringing about the destruction. Then the chaos subsided for a minutes and everybody moved down to the lunchroom of the school and started handing out supplies and food. But another round of tornadoes began to kick up and that's when I woke up. And the only thing on my mind after I woke up was, "Why didn't we go to the basement?". So yeah, no idea what that's about.

~ Something I've been meaning to update on is this health biz. I'm off the weekly drug infusions and have a good chance of remission. That's the good news. Great news, actually. The not so great news is that the process of scaling back the steroids may literally drive me crazy. My memory has gotten worse for whatever reason the past few weeks and whenever the steroids are scaled back by too much (10mg), my counts either stop dead in their tracks or go the opposite of the way they're supposed to. So now they're just being scaled back by 5mg every two weeks and I still have to do weekly blood tests to check counts. But hey, could always be worse, right?

Becoming Conditions Birth, Which Conditions Aging And Death

You know what's fun? Making out a will. No, seriously. Okay, well maybe that's just me. Although who can't agree it's fun to be able to say, "You're out of the will!" and actually mean it? I made peace long ago with my own mortality and the fact that everyone dies sometime. I've already been spared twice (maybe three times after that alleged not-breathing debacle) and I'm thankful for it. But my luck in the death department ain't gonna last forever, no one's ever does, and it's best to be prepared for the unexpected. I made out my first will around the time I became a father. It was a very odd feeling to be both on a high about having a child and then dealing with the downer that is death. But you do it when you have a reason to do it and my reason was wanting my girl to be protected if anything should take me away from her. Since that first will, a lot has changed in my life and my recent health issues made me realize I should update it. I just didn't realize what chaos it would cause amongst my family and friends.
The first time I made out a will everyone I knew realized it was because I wanted to protect my child and so they were on board. This time...not so much. I had to deal with the unpleasant task of figuring out who would take care of my daughter if I'm not around to do that. My mom refused to be a part of it because she refuses to think about losing me. My best friend shot me down because she also refuses to lose me. And that's pretty much the reaction I got from everyone I talked to about this. I mean, death planning isn't fun so I don't expect anyone to wanna talk to me about it but my loved ones are extremely sensitive on this topic. And I get it, no one likes to think about someone they love dying. But I feel like I can't even mention death or my feelings on the topic because of how sensitive everyone is about it. Once you make peace with the fact that death is coming and there's nothing you can do about it, you have a different attitude and viewpoint. I'm not afraid of death because there's no reason to be. But I also don't wanna die (for a number of reasons obviously) because I have a responsibility to a little lady that I adore. And I need to be there to watch her grow up and become whatever she's meant to be.
So my will remains as it was before I started bringing up all this stuff. No one wants to talk about it and I've grown tired of trying to make them talk about it. For the most part, things are filled out the way they should be. And I've talked to the mother of my child about it and she knows what's up, even though she also does not like to talk about the subject. But hopefully it never has to come into play and I still have a lot of years ahead of me.

A Few Of My Favorite Things

Friend: lol See? It's not that I have anything against Asians
Friend: I just don't want you tainting my species...er...race
Me: lol RAPIST!
Me: Wait
Me: RACIST!
Friend: LOL!!!!!!
Friend: That could be a bumper sticker
Me: lol Or a song
Me: Rapists and racists and warm woolen mittens
Friend: LOL!!
Friend: Ewoks and BJ's and whiskers on kittens
Me: LOL
Friend: Now we HAVE to rewrite that song!
Me: Mookie and Zoltan and Asian babies, these are a few of my favorite things
Friend: When we break up, when we make up and I'm feeling sad...I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feeeeeeel ssooooo baaaaad
============================
Friend: I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed this year
Friend: Holding my breath....knocking on wood...performing rain lap dances
Me: lol Don't get too into those lap dances
Me: You don't wanna get blue balls since you can't go all the way
Friend: Ouch lol
[Friend posts USC Video (I went to UCLA)]
Friend: You walked into that one, bringing my blue balls into this
Me: lol My bad
Me: Your DAINTY blue balls
Friend: lol Bastard

Chamo, Mookie, Jesus, Paco, Zoltan, Fredrick and Bo

Today turned out to be an unexpected venture into the world of baby names. And it all began so innocently. I was working but had football on in the background (I didn't think my team would win anyway but I'd be disowned by my family if I didn't turn on the game). I got a text from my cousin saying the name of some dude on the game was Zoltan (seriously) and I immediately took a liking to that name. Now, this comes a few months after I took a liking to the name Chamo (long story) and swore up and down that I would name my next kid that so obviously I have some issues with liking weird names. Anyway, I told a friend that I thought Zoltan was the coolest name I had ever heard in my life and that I had to name something that, whether it be a child or a parrot or a monkey. The friend said they'd always wanted to name their child Kal-El but that they never would since they intend to actually love their child, and because they would want the name to reflect their heritage (something I'm also a big fan of). I proceeded to tell everyone I know about my newfound (one hour old) dream to name something Zoltan and inadvertently started a dialogue on baby namin'.
I have, intentionally or not, named like four kids in my lifetime and they were all good names (nothing like Zoltan or Chamo). They were all spur of the moment but hopefully none of them scar the children for life. I like names that mean something, whether it be a family name or a name that's a nod to the kid's heritage. This probably comes from the fact that my family has done that with names for quite sometime, but I still like it. Eventually other friends and family joined in on the name convo and there were some...inspired choices thrown around. Crazy aunt said she's recently taken a shine to the name Fredrick for no reason (now you know where I get it), before pointing out that she likely won't ever get to use it for her own child. (Cuz you know, now that she's like in her 70's she feels like she's done procreating.) Then my cousin chimes into the debate saying he and his Mrs. are on the brink of deciding to have a kid but are already arguing about names because she likes Bo and he doesn't believe that's an actual name. So...an interesting evening of conversatin' for sure. And you know what? I am still left wanting to name something Zoltan. To which my mom said, "If that's what you're going to name my next grandchild, then don't have one." Who knew threatening with awful names would change her opinion on me having more kids? Score.

The Magic Of Autocorrect

A conversation with the sister about the Broncos Patriots game.

Sister: He thinks they can pull it off.
Me: Yeah, we'll see.
Sister: Mom thinks she pregnants
Me: ...Uh...you wanna run that by me again with more panic in your tone, please?
Sister: **Mom thinks THE PATRIOTS.
Me: LOL
Sister: I hate this phone.
Me: Really? Cuz I kinda love it.
Sister: LOL. I say this with soooo much love in my tone...BITE ME little brother ;p

I was even more confused since our mom is in the middle of menopause.

The Leading Cause Of Pregnancy

I was on the phone with my mom this morning while she was reading the news and read the headline, "Anthony Became Pregnant After Passing Out" (in reference to the Caylee Anthony case). This is the convo that followed.

Mom: "Like passing out causes pregnancy."
Me: [Laughs] "Right, cuz passing out is known to be the number one cause of pregnancy."
Mom: "I thought it was tequila." (Which was the cause of her pregnancy.)
Me: "Well, for some people it is."'
Mom: [Laughs] "True. People conceive in different ways."
Me: "Yeah. I hear some people are even present and coherent when it happens."

I Undertake To Observe The Precept To Abstain From ...

...harming living beings.
...taking things not freely given.
...sexual misconduct.
...false speech.
...intoxicating drinks and drugs causing heedlessness.


Because sometimes it helps to have a reminder.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

The other day I was having a conversation with someone and I asked an innocent question about how many people they'd seriously dated. My question was returned and I answered and assumed we'd move on to another topic. Instead, the convo took a turn when I was asked about something else in my dating past. At first I attempted to dodge the question because I had a feeling they would not take the answer to the question well. But they persisted and so I was completely honest about it and immediately the tone of the conversation changed. I could sense the person on the other end of the line was less than enthused by what I'd said (not that I expected them to be excited about it to begin with). I reminded them that they've told me before they don't care about my dating past and that, even if they did, I've always been willing to discuss it. I'm not proud of a lot of my past in terms of dating but it is what it is and I can't change it now, and I wouldn't want to. Although I'm not proud of it, I recognize that it's all had a hand in making me who I am today and so I don't regret any of it. But just because I don't regret it, that doesn't mean I'm going to repeat it.
A friend of mine is in a similar situation, debating what to tell the person they're dating about their past. The other person seems to be on the fence about wanting to know some details and my friend is on the fence about what they're willing to offer up. I guess it all comes down to what the other person feels the need to know. Everybody comes with a past but you also have to be aware that people change and so do their behaviors and preferences. Now I would never do some of things I did back in the dark ages and I don't believe anything I did back then should be held against me by anyone who wasn't there. I had a friend awhile back who hadn't dated very many people but cheated on a boyfriend in her first year in college. It wasn't worth it, she felt awful and she'd never even had the urge to do it again. Almost a decade later, she was married and had a baby with someone else but he would constantly throw that transgression back in her face, even though it had nothing to do with him or their relationship. She regretted ever having told him about it in the first place and swore she'd never tell another dude she dated because she didn't want to go through the same drama again (she and the husband eventually divorced).
At the end of the day, people's personalities are different and some are content never knowing all the details, while others want to know every single thing. I learned a long time ago that oversharing can be a very bad thing when it comes to this topic. I once felt the need to divulge everything to someone I was dating, without giving her the option to not know, and she couldn't handle it and we broke up because of it. Since then my position has been to let the other person know I'm open about what I've done in the past if they want to know. I'm not gonna offer up every little thing about it unless I'm asked. Realistically, if you're together for a long period of time, those things will eventually come out anyway. Ideally, you should be able to share all of those things if you really love someone. I believe everything should be open and not much should be off-limits if you're in a good relationship. But I certainly don't feel the need to know everything about someone else's past. The way I see it, it's in the past and if you wanna tell me something about it or offer up a story, I will listen but I'm not gonna ask too many questions. Besides, everywhere you've been and the relationships you've been through have made you who you are now and have, in some ways, made it possible for us to be together.
The person I was having this convo with told me they'd cheated on a boyfriend before but that it was a youth thing and they'd learned their lesson and would never do it again. And that was enough for me, I accepted that they had grown enough to realize that cheating is wrong. The whole convo about it probably lasted five minutes. (Sidenote: in the past I would've been on my way had someone told me they'd once cheated, but I took into account my other friend's college-aged incident and decided not everything is so black and white.) But when I told them about this thing in my past, I had to spend the next twenty minutes convincing them it would never happen again and that I'd never want it to happen again. And since then I've still felt like either their opinion of me changed slightly (although they say it didn't) or like they're judging me for having done it. And I hate that feeling, especially because I didn't do anything wrong to begin with. I was honest and feel like I was punished for it, in a way. But I still feel like honesty is the best policy. Although maybe if I could have that conversation all over again, I would refrain from asking the question that started it all.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs...

I am a cheesy romantic and therefore believe in things like fate and destiny and "signs". Find a penny lying heads up on the sidewalk? It's a sign you should play the lottery. Sudden downpour on your wedding day? It's a sign you shouldn't get married. Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton in the same movie? Well, the end may truly be upon us. The funny thing about signs is that they pop up when you least expect them and sometimes you catch them right away, while other times you need a little help. Today I couldn't talk to someone I care a great deal about and it was terrible. To make matters worse, I was reminded of them all day by the simplest things. A friend brought me my morning coffee and the side of her cup had the initials of the person I wasn't allowed to talk to. But I thought of it as a coincidence. Then, I put some music on and the second song that came up on the shuffle was one that reminds me of her in a major way and my reaction was, "Are you kidding me, universe?". Finally, I watched a football game featuring her hometown team against my hometown team, something she thought was a sign when she first heard of the match up. And I didn't even care who won.
So what does it all mean? It means...something. The first place my mind went after I heard the song was to something she's said to me more than once. That we haven't been able to say our goodbyes because we're not supposed to. Like we're not wired for it because it's not meant to happen anytime soon, if ever. The connection is too strong and it's something you should never let go once you find it. So many signs in one day is very telling. *sigh* SO much more I feel like I need to get off my chest but I'm exhausted. And...I guess the right word would be blue.

I Believe!

The other night my friends and I got into a spirited discussion on relationships and religion. It was prompted by my best guy friend telling us his uber-religious, saving-herself-for-marriage girlfriend asked him to change his religion so they could get married. Mind you, they've been dating for four months and it hasn't even been consistently since she's been on the fence about him. He likes her but he doesn't love her and is on the brink of cutting her loose after all the religious and marriage talk. But it brought up an interesting topic, whether or not relationships where two people believe different things can work at all. In my experience...um...maybe. Because I lack an actual religion, nearly all of my relationships have been interfaith. Some have faltered because of the difference while others (read: one) have flourished. So I guess I'm of two minds on this particular subject.
I dated someone seriously a few years ago who was what my friends and I refer to as a "card carrying Christian", meaning she was quite devout in her faith. I knew this from the start since she had a tattoo of a cross on her wrist and one of our first conversations was about religion. We talked about it, knew where each other stood and it really was never an issue for us. In fact, we both liked that we were of different faiths because it made things more interesting. Her family, however, was not as thrilled. Her mother was fine with whatever my beliefs were, as long as I believed in god, which I do. Her brother-in-law is a part-time minister and didn't like me solely because of the religion thing. And her sister, who was one half of the plot to set us up in the first place (long story), was torn between liking me and being on the same page with her husband about my lacking a religion. Because she's very close to her family, it was important to me that they like me and I tried to make nice with her bro-in-law. Until it became apparent that he and I were just two very different people who seemingly couldn't get along. In spite of all the awkwardness between the two of us, my relationship with her was awesome and the end had nothing to do with religion. Our time together brought me closer to my faith in some ways, even though she never tried to convert me. And I'm thankful for that.
I kinda feel like this was the only relationship I've ever been in where I truly knew what my own belief system was. And it was definitely the only one where I was practicing those beliefs. It took me a long time to reconcile all of that and even longer to apply it. But one of the things I loved about that relationship was that there was so much acceptance. She was genuinely curious about my beliefs and, although she didn't agree with all of them, she didn't mock them or make me feel like I was wrong to believe it. She went to church most Sundays and I'd find some other way to keep myself busy during those hours and then meet up with her and the fam for lunch, no big deal. It worked out fantastically well and showed me what an interfaith relationship could and should be. The problem is that I don't think much has changed since I wrote this a few years ago. A lot of people are still terribly uneducated or close minded about other faiths and they shut down  when you try to explain yours to them because it conflicts with what they believe. I feel like that's what's going on with my best guy friend's lady friend (that's a mouthful). He says they've never talked about religion, other than to share what they consider themselves to be, and already she's on him to convert. I guess we'll see what happens with that. I just don't want him to get caught up in something that's not right for him, with someone who doesn't love him for who he is.

It's Hard To Say What It Is I See In You

From two separate conversations with my best friend this week. Two exchanges which make me wonder why I keep her around (and I'm sure she wonders the same).

Her: "I think you could get married someday. But you'd have to be really, really, really, really, really, REALLY sure. And I'd also have to be REALLY sure about her."
Me: "Yeah. Still doubt it though."
Her: "I know. I'm not sure how I feel about it anyway. Since it would surely be the seventh sign of the Apocalypse if you ever walked down an aisle as the groom."
--
Her: "You remember [high school acquaintance]?"
Me: "Yeah. Why? Did you run into her somewhere?"
Her: "No. But [another high school acquaintance] told me she ended up going to Brown. Can you believe it?"
Me: "Brown what?"
Her: "Brown University hon. It's a college and an Ivy League one."
Me: "Bite me. Wait, she went to an Ivy League school??"
Her: "Right?? Who knew she had a brain? She must have slept with a professor."
Me: "You should talk about sleeping with professors..."
Her: "Too bad you weren't friends in high school. I don't believe you've hit Brown yet on your quest to bang your way through the Ivy League."
Me: "Well. Played. I didn't even know that was an Ivy League school."
Her: "Didn't you also not know Dartmouth was one last year?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "So you were unknowingly banging your way through the Ivy League? The irony..."

Strange Bedfellows

I've been talking to a friend this week about some stuff on my mind and it's been...okay. We've been getting into some topics I'd rather not bring up again but I'm hanging in. I've written about relationship patterns before and how I've often repeated the same behavior in different relationships. It was almost like a script, I knew what was going to happen from the beginning. Obviously the most significant of the relationships I established during the dark ages is the one with the mother of my child. We'll be a part of each other's lives for the rest of our lives and now that we've both realized that, we've decided to act like adults and figure out how to navigate all of this. And honestly, there are worse people I could be in this position with. At the end of the day we were (and in some ways still are) very significant parts of each other's lives. I've always cared about her a great deal and I will always love her as the mother of my child. We used to be in a very good place and we're working to get back there. It definitely helps the cause that I've become less stubborn in dealing with things involving our girl and that she's stopped dating idiots.
Over the holidays we had a long conversation about what we both want out of this whole co-parenting thing. We just want what's best for our child, that's the number one thing. But we agreed we need to learn how to communicate better about what we think is the best thing for her. It definitely has to be a team effort, especially since no one but the two of us can make decisions for her (until she gets older and rebels against us, that is). Our most recent convo was about how our relationship played out when we were together. I've documented a lot of it here; we dated once back in 2003 and started hooking up again in 2007, then came baby. Neither time we dated was all that good, in hindsight. We fought about so many pointless things but the biggest was that she expected me to cheat on her because it had happened before and, although she denied it at the time, she didn't trust me at all. So we'd argue and it'd get loud and I would wonder why I stayed. Eventually I decided it wasn't worth the fight and I'd lay down my arms and try to move past it, which is when she'd say the most hurtful things. It's like she was waiting for that moment so whatever she said would have maximum impact. I told her all this recently and she said I was right (knock me over with a feather); that she saw her chance to land a punch and she took it every time because she was sure what we had was never gonna be "enough" for me. Her point of view was that if I was just gonna leave anyway then what was the point in ending the fight and salvaging what we had?
We got into a long discussion about things we got right and what we did wrong and concluded there's nothing to fight about anymore. It's about the kid now, not about how we feel about each other now or what we did to each other in the past. And I'm so glad we cleared it all up. It feels a little awkward at the moment to be in this place, but I know it'll become the norm as soon as we all adjust. And really, who needs that kind of stress everyday anyway? Things would be a lot different if either of us thought the other wasn't a fit parent. But she's an awesome mother and a great person. I am VERY thankful this is going to settle soon.

It IS The Simple Things

First some background. Last night while I was talking to a friend of mine, I could hear the person's mom in the background talking loudly on the phone (she was in another room, behind a closed door and I could still hear her). Today this friend went back to work and is at a job that allows them to talk to people pretty much all day long so we were texting. And it provided this MUCH needed laugh. Thank you, I love you mon ;p.

Friend: Lol Wow, I just opened up a box of what I thought was regular ol caramel popcorn. As soon as I realized it was drizzled with white chocolate my reaction was to gasp and say 'shut uppa you face' in this awestruck ridiculous voice.

Me: LOL. I love that these are the things that make you gasp in amazement.

Friend: It's the simple things.

Me: Word to your yelling-into-the-phone mother.

Friend: This is going to sound wrong, but I wish you were in my mouth right now, so you could know how delicious this stuff is.

Me: LOL You know...you coulda just said you wished you could share with me. But you went gutter. And I am a fan. Well done.

Friend: LOL!! I must save your responses on my phone...yelling-into-the-phone mother cracked me up