I had a bad night. Like, I'm about to crawl into bed and pull the covers all the way over me kinda bad. My best friend's father, who is very much like a father to me, is in town and we met up with a couple other people for dinner. The evening would've gone great if not for my brother's last minute decision to show up. He was invited (kinda) but was supposed to leave town yesterday and since no one had heard anything, we all assumed he was gone. But he wasn't and he showed up while we were getting ready to eat. I knew he'd been drinking already because he avoids eye contact with me like it's the plague whenever he knows he's done something wrong. He wouldn't acknowledge me when I asked him about us taking a minute to talk. So I kept pushing the issue, which in hindsight was probably not the right thing to do but subtlety is not one of my strengths. Finally the kids went to bed and he launched into me yet again about how I am the cause of all of the problems in his entire life.
My brother can hold a grudge like nobody I know (except maybe my mom, but she doesn't hold them for non-existent crap) and this problem is not new for us. I'm the reason he's never been a father to his kids. I'm the reason his wife is leaving him. Yep, all me. Because I apparently had time to sabotage his life while I was busy fucking up my own. The whole reasoning is ridiculous. He uses my 'dark ages' period to condone what he's doing now ("you fucked up too") and when it's not that, it's my "pressuring" him when he was younger. Mind you, my siblings and I NEVER fought as kids and his issues with me began when he knocked up his girlfriend and was actually considering telling her to give the baby up. Because his future was more important that taking responsibility for what he created. Then, when the baby was born, I moved in with them (into a place we couldn't even afford) and tried to encourage him to be a father to his kid. When that didn't take, I stayed up all night with his son and I took his girlfriend to doctor's appointments (cuz I'm a horrible person like that). He did whatever the hell he wanted when he wanted to do it and very rarely did that involve being around his child. He complains that I never "let" him be a father cuz I "took over" but he wasn't interested to begin with. It's like he wants me to apologize for being closer to his kids than he is and being a father figure to them and I will never apologize for that. I wish he would've stepped up so I didn't have to but it is what it is now. Then after I reached the 'epic final battle' phase with my demons, I went and did what I needed to do to get better and he had to actually apply himself at being a family man (god forbid!) and even though it went well for awhile, he's still pissed off that I "made" him do it. WTF?!
I guess everything that's been built up for the past decade finally became too much tonight. I don't like confrontation at all but if you upset me enough, I will respond and it will not be pretty. And it wasn't. He bitched and moaned about everything I just mentioned and I pointed out to him that when I was off fucking up, I was in a selfish phase of my life and didn't have a wife and kids to think about. Then he took a dig at the fact that I don't have a wife and that all of my relationships go up in flames, etc., etc. And I walked away. Because it wasn't worth the argument. But he kept pushing and then ended up rambling on about how he's probably not responsible for all his bad decisions because of his tumor and how no one shows any sympathy about his tumor. Big fucking deal. Part of my brain and, essentially, parts of my life are missing and you don't hear me bitching about it every other sentence. Shit happens and you deal with it and you move on with your life. I brought up the fact that his whole "journey" began when our father died and that it's ironic how he's just like the bastard. It was at that point that my brother took a swing at me. He missed (he's never been a good fighter), there was some pushing and shoving and then took off, leaving two crying toddlers and a bunch of pissed off family members in his wake. Since then I've been dealing with the familial fallout. Because news of any kind spreads like wildfire through my family (seriously, my family is like the town of Mayberry. Everybody and their grandmother will know about this before morning).
It was all very unnecessary in my opinion. I don't know why I even bothered to try and talk to him, he doesn't listen anyway and I knew he wouldn't. But the almost going to blows...that was a new one. And definitely unexpected. I don't make any decisions without thinking about them first but I think I may be done. I will always be there for his wife and kids, even after she files divorce papers (which she's doing next week), but for him? No. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the bad guy when I didn't even do anything to him. I never would do anything to hurt him. In spite of all this mess, I love him very much and I want him to be happy. But I don't know what to do anymore. And not knowing what to do has me...down. Throwaway night for sure.
