I Wish I Wasn't Living This Life

Words fail me right now. That whole thing about never being given more than you can handle is a crock. I woke up to my best friend's daughter (who turned 3 yesterday) telling me there was blood in the kitchen. I literally jumped out of bed, walked into the living room and saw a small pool of blood on the kitchen floor and several spots of blood on the carpet. There were also a few more tiny pools of blood on the carpet and some blood on a blanket on the floor. I went into the BF's room and found her dipping in and out of consciousness, the pillow and she sheets bloodied near her head. We went to the hospital and she started to wake up and said she wasn't sure what had happened. A CT scan, a physical exam and six hours later, the doctor said it appeared to be a combination of things, none of them serious. He thinks she had a really bad nosebleed that started while she was asleep on the couch, got up too quickly once she realized she was bleeding and then staggered around in the dark before ending up back in bed. The consciousness thing is probably two-fold; she was up way late last night and she lost a substantial amount of blood very quickly this morning. We were about to be discharged when she had another bleeding fit and it was scary as fuck. She most went into a seizure type thing and then started bleeding. It was awful. The good news is she's out of the hospital and feeling better. Thank god for that. While I was sitting in the hospital waiting (in my PJ's, no less), I got a text from E's mother. It wasn't good news. She said that the decision has been made for doctors to stop administering treatment and shift their efforts to making E comfortable. And you know what that means. He's had bleeding issues of his own the past few days and if he has another "attack", so to speak, they will likely not do anything to stop it. The worst part is that we're all so scattered right now; the BF, another friend and I are all on the East Coast, another friend is in California, G is in Texas and E is Florida, where he went for treatment about a month ago and has not been able to leave because he hasn't been well enough to travel. G is already on his way there, the rest of us are talking and figuring out what to do. The instinct is to fly out immediately, obviously. Fuck the money, fuck jobs, fuck everything and just go. And part of me really wants to do that. I know I should. But the other part doesn't want to go, doesn't want to say his goodbyes because then it's all "real", so to speak. I wondered out loud today if I was a terrible person for not wanting to go and got an interesting answer. A friend said to me that I should consider that HE wants and needs to say his goodbyes. And that's very true. And that's what I'm going to base things on. If he wants and needs all of us there, then that's what we'll do. I try not to think about it too much because it seriously bums me out. On top of all this are my own health issues and the business stuff and, oh yeah, I'm also moving back to my own place soon. It's A LOT. Maybe too much. I don't how to handle it all. But I'll have to figure it out. It's amazing the things you do to take your mind off bad stuff though. Today when I was nervous about the BF, I rambled about various stuff. Later, despite being exhausted, I decided to take apart a shower head to get to the root cause of a leak. At midnight. I like to fix stuff and it pisses me off when I can't. I think part of me thought if I could diagnose the problem, it would provide some much needed good news. God, I hope tomorrow and the rest if the foreseeable future bring good news, or at least no major health issues for anyone I love. I can't handle anymore bad news anytime soon.