Some days my teenager would try what little patience I have while other days she would come so damn close to resembling a mature adult that it was scary. Why this wild swing between the two sides? Who knows, maybe it's something in the teen DNA. But I'm proud to say that no matter what boy she was fawning over or friend drama she got into, she never lost sight of her long term goal to study film in college. Film is a tricky business to both get into and stay into and because you typically go where the work is, it can also be rough financially. But like anything else, if you love it enough you'll stay the course and do everything you can to get to where you want to be. The hard part is trying to get there without letting your morals get shoved to the back of the bus by your ambition. And that's so difficult to do in a business where everyone will scratch your back if you scratch theirs, especially if you're new to the game. I've been in that position where what you want to do is so close you can taste it and you either give up a little of yourself to make it or you don't, knowing that you may never get another shot like that again.
All of that is what my former film mentors wanted me to explain to their high school students yesterday. And it's what I had planned to explain but that whole terrified speaking in front of a crowd thing took over and I stumbled my way through some of what I wanted to say. I wasn't even sure they were paying attention at first, then I noticed quite a few of the girls were staring at me which only made me more nervous. (A friend later told me they were possibly undressing me with their eyes). Then their teacher opened up the floor for questions and I was completely sure only half of them were listening, not that I blame 'em since I was so lousy at explaining myself. Among the questions I got; 'Do you know anyone from the Twilight movies?', 'Is [insert actress or actor name here] really hot in person?', and my personal favorite, 'Are you married?' which was followed by, 'Are you dating anybody?' before one of my mentors decided only film related questions would be allowed.
Is it just me or are teenage girls these days more...I mean, I think they have more balls than the girls did when I was in high school. Not just cuz of those last two questions but also because I'm pretty sure one of them was waiting for me to leave for lunch so she could talk to me without a teacher around. I was a little sad to see that only two or three of the kids in these classes actually seemed to have a passion for what they were studying. The rest seemed to be there because it was a four hour session that gave them credit towards graduation they would have otherwise only attained by sitting through an English class. I remember when I was studying film there, every single one of my classmates was completely into what we were doing and it made all of our film shoots so much fun. But I also noticed that at least one of the kids who was really into film would be eaten alive if he ventured out there today, which he wants to do next year after he graduates high school.
So yeah I choked and I once again know for sure that public speaking and teaching are not for me. I realized later that I didn't do well in the eye contact department, which the same friend who made the undressing comment says is probably a good thing because teenage girls and their hormones could've taken it the wrong way (as if they needed another reason to ask me more personal questions). The good news is that I've been invited back by my mentors to help out the kids when they shoot some of their future film projects and I'm looking forward to it because I think I could give them a better idea of what to expect by showing them, rather than telling them. Maybe some will get more into the process than they are now. It'd be kinda cool if I had a hand in that.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Just Gonna Stand There and Hear Me Cry...And That's Alright Because I Love The Way You Lie
Let's say, hypothetically, you date someone around 12 years your senior. You're insanely attracted to them and the chemistry is so awesome that you're completely oblivious to the stares you get because you're an interracial couple. Everything is finally amazing in your life after a year of total hell. But a few months in you notice that your new squeeze has a tongue that can cut like a knife when they're upset or hurt and they often take out these frustrations on you. But that's the least of your problems because you are an emotional wreck who has yet to deal with your new found demons and your partner is not yet officially divorced from a person who left them unable to fully trust anyone. You've played this part before and it didn't end well at all and this sequel is worse because it involves two broken people looking for...? Escapism? Love? Who knows. Maybe it's two people banking on each other to be the answer and magically make all the negatives go away. And so, because neither of you will wave the white flag, you stay locked in this battle for nearly a year. Every fight is loud and no one fights fair and it always ends, eventually, with an apology and an empty promise that things will get better. And you both believe it because you want so desperately for it to be true. Maybe you stay because you convince yourself that the good times outweigh the bad and it's better than being alone with the static in your head. Then one day the other person decides it should be over. It's not the age difference or the difference in race that calls for an end, it's just a feeling you both share.
Years later, both older, wiser and still carrying a flame for one another, you begin casually dating again. You both have some misguided belief that you belong together in some way. You're not their only and they know they're not yours but you're both okay with that. You begin to lean on one another for support but also fall back into your old loud argument patterns. You start to think this is not what you signed up for, it was supposed to be just sex. Before it can go any further you realize that the flame has dimmed quite a bit for you and you're finally able to knock this person off the pedestal you had them on for so long. You still feel tremendous respect and loyalty towards this person but you don't want to be their crutch anymore. So this time you put an end to things, but stop short of saying you don't love them anymore since you never said those three words the second time around anyway. Your now ex-lover backs off but eventually returns and professes their love to you and talks about how they still feel the two of you are meant to be, forcing you to tell them you're not sure if you were ever truly in love with them to begin with. This deeply wounds them, which you didn't intend to do but you knew you had to tell them the truth, and they respond the only way they know how - by starting a fight. And the cycle begins again.
I'm wondering if it's possible for patterns like this to put themselves on auto-pilot when you're around certain people, even if you're not a couple anymore. I guess as long as there's a relationship of any kind, there's the possibility of falling back into unhealthy habits. What was once a 'can't live with you/can't live without you' situation is now becoming a 'have to live with you but can't stand how you provoke me' situation. I've always been attracted to difficult things; difficult women, difficult, sometimes even dangerous situations. But I always pull myself out of the aftermath. Now it feels like there's a weight tied to me that pulls me right back down to this person's level, where I hate to be. I don't understand how I could've grown so much and they've remained the same, sometimes ugly person they always were deep down. I'm not sorry that I don't feel the way they feel, it was never meant to be, but I am sorry I didn't make my actual feelings crystal clear much sooner. I think we both used to get a thrill out of the drama our relationship provided. But that's so not healthy. The funny thing is that we're both in a place where we can just focus on what we both love most and be happy we're the only two people on earth who share this amazing person. But they can't just let it be that way. And for what? Just because I don't feel what they feel.
So before you decide to make this difficult and create drama where none should exist, think about how excited you were before it all went to hell. Remember what you told me that night after your birthday party and how we both tried to make it happen. Think about our convos about what we would never become because they made you what you became. Remember that those who don't learn from their mistakes are bound to repeat them. And think about who you're really hurting during all of this. I'm not addicted to the drama anymore, I'm too old for that crap and so are you. And I'm so tired of putting out fires and picking up the pieces. I meant every word I said to you, good and bad, and you know that the good really was better that you're making it out to be. I don't owe you anything and you don't owe me anything, but we both owe it to someone else to be adults about this. Hitting me to hurt me was something I could take when it was just me you were hurting but I won't do that anymore. And if you consider all of this and charge forward anyway then I'll know that everything I ever liked about you, everything we shared was a lie. And I'm over your lies.
Years later, both older, wiser and still carrying a flame for one another, you begin casually dating again. You both have some misguided belief that you belong together in some way. You're not their only and they know they're not yours but you're both okay with that. You begin to lean on one another for support but also fall back into your old loud argument patterns. You start to think this is not what you signed up for, it was supposed to be just sex. Before it can go any further you realize that the flame has dimmed quite a bit for you and you're finally able to knock this person off the pedestal you had them on for so long. You still feel tremendous respect and loyalty towards this person but you don't want to be their crutch anymore. So this time you put an end to things, but stop short of saying you don't love them anymore since you never said those three words the second time around anyway. Your now ex-lover backs off but eventually returns and professes their love to you and talks about how they still feel the two of you are meant to be, forcing you to tell them you're not sure if you were ever truly in love with them to begin with. This deeply wounds them, which you didn't intend to do but you knew you had to tell them the truth, and they respond the only way they know how - by starting a fight. And the cycle begins again.
I'm wondering if it's possible for patterns like this to put themselves on auto-pilot when you're around certain people, even if you're not a couple anymore. I guess as long as there's a relationship of any kind, there's the possibility of falling back into unhealthy habits. What was once a 'can't live with you/can't live without you' situation is now becoming a 'have to live with you but can't stand how you provoke me' situation. I've always been attracted to difficult things; difficult women, difficult, sometimes even dangerous situations. But I always pull myself out of the aftermath. Now it feels like there's a weight tied to me that pulls me right back down to this person's level, where I hate to be. I don't understand how I could've grown so much and they've remained the same, sometimes ugly person they always were deep down. I'm not sorry that I don't feel the way they feel, it was never meant to be, but I am sorry I didn't make my actual feelings crystal clear much sooner. I think we both used to get a thrill out of the drama our relationship provided. But that's so not healthy. The funny thing is that we're both in a place where we can just focus on what we both love most and be happy we're the only two people on earth who share this amazing person. But they can't just let it be that way. And for what? Just because I don't feel what they feel.
So before you decide to make this difficult and create drama where none should exist, think about how excited you were before it all went to hell. Remember what you told me that night after your birthday party and how we both tried to make it happen. Think about our convos about what we would never become because they made you what you became. Remember that those who don't learn from their mistakes are bound to repeat them. And think about who you're really hurting during all of this. I'm not addicted to the drama anymore, I'm too old for that crap and so are you. And I'm so tired of putting out fires and picking up the pieces. I meant every word I said to you, good and bad, and you know that the good really was better that you're making it out to be. I don't owe you anything and you don't owe me anything, but we both owe it to someone else to be adults about this. Hitting me to hurt me was something I could take when it was just me you were hurting but I won't do that anymore. And if you consider all of this and charge forward anyway then I'll know that everything I ever liked about you, everything we shared was a lie. And I'm over your lies.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
A Thanksgiving Calamity
1) Way too early wake-up call
2) Trip to the ER for a family member
3) Thanksgiving dinner at 8:00PM
4) Still thankful for it all.
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Happy Way Belated Turkey Day, hope yours went well. For some reason my family has a habit (or shall I say tradition) of making Thanksgiving memorable in unusual ways. For example, one year my mom and grandma attempted to make their own turkey because we were all snowed in together. It went...well, let's just say we didn't get to have turkey that year, but it is a great memory to have now, especially because my grandma passed away almost exactly a year later, three days before Thanksgiving. The most recent example of this out of the ordinary holiday habit would be my cousin's coming out four years ago before we sat down to eat. We have actually had some Turkey Days go according to plan, but we cannot count 2010 among them.
The day started out with such promise. Everyone was up early, thanks to the kids, so we played some football out in the cold, then ran out to various stores to get last minute stuff for dinner. This is where the day took a turn. My uncle decided he would use the extra time in his day to get started on his Christmas lights, and this man is notorious for his close calls while attempting to put up decorations. Once he decided to put up lights while no one else was home and my aunt returned from shopping to find him hanging off of the gutter, (how it held his weight for an hour and half we will never know). Last year he almost knocked me off the roof with a giant candy cane and he minorly electrocuted his own son. Twice he has fallen off the roof, landing in the bushes both times and escaping with just minor cuts and bruises. The third time must really be the charm because there was nothing to pad his fall this time and he broke his leg and sprained his wrist. That would be bad enough, right? But that's not all folks, not for my family.
My aunt takes her husband to the ER and everybody goes back to watching football, hoping they'll be back sooner rather than later. It doesn't occur to anyone until around 3:00 PM that my aunt was the one who was in charge of the majority of the cooking (and, okay yes maybe we had been drinking a little and that's why it took us so long to realize this minor detail). So my mom starts drafting people to get into the kitchen and everyone spends the next four hours existing on only veggies and dip while everything cooks. Finally at around 7:45 PM we all sit down to dinner, including my now heavily medicated uncle. From then on, the rest of the night was awesome.
Still, I wouldn't trade the burn on my hand I got from the turkey pan or the hour and a half my brother and I spent trying to fix the Christmas lights for anything. The entire day was one beautiful disaster after another but it all worked out in the end. It could always be worse and I know everything that went down was minor in the grand scheme of things. Obviously people should be thankful for the things in their lives everyday and I genuinely try to be, but it's not always easy. I realized recently that I've never actually voiced how thankful I am just to still be around right now. I came to terms a long time ago with what the entire year of 2002 did to me though it took me way to long to appreciate that I was still alive for a reason. I should be even more thankful considering I died twice. So, after thinking long and hard about what I'm truly thankful for, I've concluded that my answer is Life. Just life in general, all the little things that push you to the edge and all the perfect moments that make you wish they would never end. I could very easily have been the one out of that accident that didn't make it, and sometimes I wonder why that is, but I know that I am thankful that I'm here and that I'm able to experience life and all its ups and downs.
2) Trip to the ER for a family member
3) Thanksgiving dinner at 8:00PM
4) Still thankful for it all.
============================
Happy Way Belated Turkey Day, hope yours went well. For some reason my family has a habit (or shall I say tradition) of making Thanksgiving memorable in unusual ways. For example, one year my mom and grandma attempted to make their own turkey because we were all snowed in together. It went...well, let's just say we didn't get to have turkey that year, but it is a great memory to have now, especially because my grandma passed away almost exactly a year later, three days before Thanksgiving. The most recent example of this out of the ordinary holiday habit would be my cousin's coming out four years ago before we sat down to eat. We have actually had some Turkey Days go according to plan, but we cannot count 2010 among them.
The day started out with such promise. Everyone was up early, thanks to the kids, so we played some football out in the cold, then ran out to various stores to get last minute stuff for dinner. This is where the day took a turn. My uncle decided he would use the extra time in his day to get started on his Christmas lights, and this man is notorious for his close calls while attempting to put up decorations. Once he decided to put up lights while no one else was home and my aunt returned from shopping to find him hanging off of the gutter, (how it held his weight for an hour and half we will never know). Last year he almost knocked me off the roof with a giant candy cane and he minorly electrocuted his own son. Twice he has fallen off the roof, landing in the bushes both times and escaping with just minor cuts and bruises. The third time must really be the charm because there was nothing to pad his fall this time and he broke his leg and sprained his wrist. That would be bad enough, right? But that's not all folks, not for my family.
My aunt takes her husband to the ER and everybody goes back to watching football, hoping they'll be back sooner rather than later. It doesn't occur to anyone until around 3:00 PM that my aunt was the one who was in charge of the majority of the cooking (and, okay yes maybe we had been drinking a little and that's why it took us so long to realize this minor detail). So my mom starts drafting people to get into the kitchen and everyone spends the next four hours existing on only veggies and dip while everything cooks. Finally at around 7:45 PM we all sit down to dinner, including my now heavily medicated uncle. From then on, the rest of the night was awesome.
Still, I wouldn't trade the burn on my hand I got from the turkey pan or the hour and a half my brother and I spent trying to fix the Christmas lights for anything. The entire day was one beautiful disaster after another but it all worked out in the end. It could always be worse and I know everything that went down was minor in the grand scheme of things. Obviously people should be thankful for the things in their lives everyday and I genuinely try to be, but it's not always easy. I realized recently that I've never actually voiced how thankful I am just to still be around right now. I came to terms a long time ago with what the entire year of 2002 did to me though it took me way to long to appreciate that I was still alive for a reason. I should be even more thankful considering I died twice. So, after thinking long and hard about what I'm truly thankful for, I've concluded that my answer is Life. Just life in general, all the little things that push you to the edge and all the perfect moments that make you wish they would never end. I could very easily have been the one out of that accident that didn't make it, and sometimes I wonder why that is, but I know that I am thankful that I'm here and that I'm able to experience life and all its ups and downs.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Flashbacks of a Fool
So, an ex-girlfriend of mine wrote a blog post (see my last post) where she analyzed all of her romantic relationships in depth, using names of course so we could all know what we did wrong. But I can't say I'm upset about it since I also did an exercise like this on the advice of a friend, though I didn't do it online. Besides, I know what I did wrong there and I think she's been way too kind to me in explaining things in her post. There are only two relationships in my life that I regret ever venturing into, though for different reasons. One of those was the relationship I had with this person. It was one of those things that coulda been so much more, if the circumstances had been different. She is the most patient, compassionate person I know. We were acquaintances for a long time, we had friends in common but didn't speak to each other much. Then when my world came down, she showed up at the hospital with gifts and sat down at my bedside and just listened to me for the longest time. No one had been doing that since I'd come out of the coma and I think it was because they were all too close to the situation. I felt better after we talked and we kept in contact in the years that followed and built a good friendship.
We started working on a project together and I noticed that every time we were around each other I would get ridiculously nervous, which was weird for me since I have never in my life been nervous around any woman. So I asked her out, to which her reply was, "You mean, like on a date?" with this huge smile on her face. For awhile, maybe two months or so, it was a hell of a ride, all about romance and surprising each other and I could feel her starting to fall for me. I knew she'd come out of a relationship with a guy nine years her junior who hadn't treated her very well and I swore up and down that I, eight years younger than her, would not be like him. And at any other time in my life, I would have made good on that promise. But I was at the height of my self-destructive behavior and, even though I was making an effort and I was very much into her, I was living a complete lie when we were apart. I felt horrible about it but apparently not enough to stop myself. She's very much about no substances, no excessive alcohol, clean living and I was abusing all of those things behind her back. Soon those things took precedence over our being together and I started to not treat her very well, but she thought I was just hurting from other past stuff (which was also true) so she stayed the course.
We continued on for awhile longer, then one night she told me she loved me and I didn't handle it well. I wanted so badly to tell her those same three words back but I couldn't because it would've been a lie. Still, we toughed it out for another month before I slipped up in trying to keep my double life a secret from her and she got wind of what I was doing. She confronted me and I admitted to everything but tried to minimize how bad the problem really was, but she told me she thought I was lying. I said I'd stop the self-destructive stuff and I really did mean it at the time, but my resolve only lasted a month. I knew better and I knew she would leave when she found out I hadn't curbed my behavior and it was the worst feeling. But it didn't stop me. When she discovered I hadn't changed at all, it led to a huge argument during which she said something that really made me think about what I was doing to myself. That fight turned out to be the thing that started my actual turnaround, though it also marked the end of our romantic relationship.
As with so many other of my relationships during that time, we fell into the habit of hooking up whenever we found ourselves in the same place at the same time. Then she finally did end everything and cut off contact for about a month. As I started to get my life back on track, I examined all of my relationships and realized I missed her a lot, but she stood her ground every time I asked for another chance. We finally had a convo about what the future held for us and she said that she couldn't date me again because if it didn't work out she wouldn't be able to have me in her life at all and she didn't want that. I also think there was just no trust left for us to build any kind of dating relationship. I took her for granted, I hurt her and I had lied to her too much already. She had absolutely no reason to believe that I had changed for good. The only consolation was that we have been able to salvage a great friendship, no weirdness at all anymore, but it certainly wasn't easy.
In response to her blog post and her question of whether or not I consciously stopped myself from falling for her...the answer is no, I didn't. I don't think I was capable of loving anyone at that point. I just needed a security blanket, someone to make me feel not as guilty about what I was doing. But it backfired because I only felt more guilt for deceiving her. For a long time I tried to forget we even had that experience of dating because I was ashamed of how I had treated her. But you gotta live your truth and own up to your faults and your past. My guilt was made worse once I realized that I'd felt safe with her and I felt like I was accepted no matter how bad I f**ked up, yet I still chose to keep everything from her. I guess I still feel some guilt because she's done so much for me and I don't feel like I've even come close to repaying the deed. I know it's not about keeping score, I hate when people do that, but I want her to know how eternally grateful I am that she chose to stick it out with me and that she's even still willing to have me in her life after all that went down. I know not everyone agrees with that decision. Even during the worst of my times, the one thing that's stayed consistent is that I love the people in my life unconditionally and she is one of those people. I can't change what happened and I can't fix what's happening in her life now, but I'm here if she needs to talk it over or vent about it. And I wish she understood what a rare person she is and that the combination of traits she has are not a combo you find very much at all in most people on the planet. She's a much better person than I will ever be. And I know I've said it before but it bears repeating - I'm sorry.
We started working on a project together and I noticed that every time we were around each other I would get ridiculously nervous, which was weird for me since I have never in my life been nervous around any woman. So I asked her out, to which her reply was, "You mean, like on a date?" with this huge smile on her face. For awhile, maybe two months or so, it was a hell of a ride, all about romance and surprising each other and I could feel her starting to fall for me. I knew she'd come out of a relationship with a guy nine years her junior who hadn't treated her very well and I swore up and down that I, eight years younger than her, would not be like him. And at any other time in my life, I would have made good on that promise. But I was at the height of my self-destructive behavior and, even though I was making an effort and I was very much into her, I was living a complete lie when we were apart. I felt horrible about it but apparently not enough to stop myself. She's very much about no substances, no excessive alcohol, clean living and I was abusing all of those things behind her back. Soon those things took precedence over our being together and I started to not treat her very well, but she thought I was just hurting from other past stuff (which was also true) so she stayed the course.
We continued on for awhile longer, then one night she told me she loved me and I didn't handle it well. I wanted so badly to tell her those same three words back but I couldn't because it would've been a lie. Still, we toughed it out for another month before I slipped up in trying to keep my double life a secret from her and she got wind of what I was doing. She confronted me and I admitted to everything but tried to minimize how bad the problem really was, but she told me she thought I was lying. I said I'd stop the self-destructive stuff and I really did mean it at the time, but my resolve only lasted a month. I knew better and I knew she would leave when she found out I hadn't curbed my behavior and it was the worst feeling. But it didn't stop me. When she discovered I hadn't changed at all, it led to a huge argument during which she said something that really made me think about what I was doing to myself. That fight turned out to be the thing that started my actual turnaround, though it also marked the end of our romantic relationship.
As with so many other of my relationships during that time, we fell into the habit of hooking up whenever we found ourselves in the same place at the same time. Then she finally did end everything and cut off contact for about a month. As I started to get my life back on track, I examined all of my relationships and realized I missed her a lot, but she stood her ground every time I asked for another chance. We finally had a convo about what the future held for us and she said that she couldn't date me again because if it didn't work out she wouldn't be able to have me in her life at all and she didn't want that. I also think there was just no trust left for us to build any kind of dating relationship. I took her for granted, I hurt her and I had lied to her too much already. She had absolutely no reason to believe that I had changed for good. The only consolation was that we have been able to salvage a great friendship, no weirdness at all anymore, but it certainly wasn't easy.
In response to her blog post and her question of whether or not I consciously stopped myself from falling for her...the answer is no, I didn't. I don't think I was capable of loving anyone at that point. I just needed a security blanket, someone to make me feel not as guilty about what I was doing. But it backfired because I only felt more guilt for deceiving her. For a long time I tried to forget we even had that experience of dating because I was ashamed of how I had treated her. But you gotta live your truth and own up to your faults and your past. My guilt was made worse once I realized that I'd felt safe with her and I felt like I was accepted no matter how bad I f**ked up, yet I still chose to keep everything from her. I guess I still feel some guilt because she's done so much for me and I don't feel like I've even come close to repaying the deed. I know it's not about keeping score, I hate when people do that, but I want her to know how eternally grateful I am that she chose to stick it out with me and that she's even still willing to have me in her life after all that went down. I know not everyone agrees with that decision. Even during the worst of my times, the one thing that's stayed consistent is that I love the people in my life unconditionally and she is one of those people. I can't change what happened and I can't fix what's happening in her life now, but I'm here if she needs to talk it over or vent about it. And I wish she understood what a rare person she is and that the combination of traits she has are not a combo you find very much at all in most people on the planet. She's a much better person than I will ever be. And I know I've said it before but it bears repeating - I'm sorry.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Burned.
Taken from an ex-g/f's blog. She's newly single and trying to pinpoint her problems and naming names:
"gorgeous, fun, goofy, smart, great story teller, very supportive and understanding, great communicator, mysterious, did I mention fine as hell. Just a beautiful man all around and charming beyond belief. I remember the day we met, he was still just a teenager and I was into my 20's but we didn't truly connect until years later. Our first date was something out of a movie and so was every other first after that. He was a diehard romantic who could get ANYTHING out of anybody when he turned on the charm. He made me laugh and he made me think. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world when he looked at me with those amazing green eyes. Sounds awesome so far right? Except for one minor detail about his extracurricular activities when we were apart. He didn't cheat on me but he was locked in a battle with his demons and mourning the loss of the probable love of his life. I did fall for him - HARD - and I'm not sure if he just wouldn't let himself go there or if he wasn't in love with me but it ended a few times. I always took him back, believing he was trying to change, hoping I could let him know that he didn't need to be fixed or saved and he did make more of an effort each time I took him back. But he also kept on with his bad habits. We lingered physically for awhile cuz the sex was just too damn good to give up. We flirted with one more try once he started to get a handle on things but I just couldn't do it. We're still friends and I've finally been able to put my feelings for him away. He's grown so much since then that our thing feels so long ago. Sad thing for me is that putting aside his other activities, he probably treated me better than any other guy I dated."
"gorgeous, fun, goofy, smart, great story teller, very supportive and understanding, great communicator, mysterious, did I mention fine as hell. Just a beautiful man all around and charming beyond belief. I remember the day we met, he was still just a teenager and I was into my 20's but we didn't truly connect until years later. Our first date was something out of a movie and so was every other first after that. He was a diehard romantic who could get ANYTHING out of anybody when he turned on the charm. He made me laugh and he made me think. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world when he looked at me with those amazing green eyes. Sounds awesome so far right? Except for one minor detail about his extracurricular activities when we were apart. He didn't cheat on me but he was locked in a battle with his demons and mourning the loss of the probable love of his life. I did fall for him - HARD - and I'm not sure if he just wouldn't let himself go there or if he wasn't in love with me but it ended a few times. I always took him back, believing he was trying to change, hoping I could let him know that he didn't need to be fixed or saved and he did make more of an effort each time I took him back. But he also kept on with his bad habits. We lingered physically for awhile cuz the sex was just too damn good to give up. We flirted with one more try once he started to get a handle on things but I just couldn't do it. We're still friends and I've finally been able to put my feelings for him away. He's grown so much since then that our thing feels so long ago. Sad thing for me is that putting aside his other activities, he probably treated me better than any other guy I dated."
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Battle Lines Drawn In The Sand
Expanding on my post from the other day, I got to thinking about those of us who decide it's better that we break from a negative situation and not 'stay together for the kids'. With that decision comes a trip (or more likely several) to family court to work out all matters involving custody. I don't like to use this word but custody truly is a b**ch. I made a comment the other day about how family court is the equivalent of a drive-thru wedding chapel in Vegas. The judge you're assigned who decides your kid's fate being not unlike the Elvis impersonator whose shift it is to pronounce you man and wife; neither knows all that much about you or your situation. Even if your split is amicable, custody is still a nightmare because you're basically watching your child's life be worked out on paper by someone who is basically taking an educated guess at what would be best for them. You're also realizing that it's never gonna be how you thought it would; the two of you watching this mini version of yourselves grow up together in the happily ever after we're all supposed to want.
I am one of of three people I know dealing with custody drama right now, all of whom would rather it be drama-free, the other two being women whose cases are being heard in New York (mine is not in N.Y.). I hear N.Y. is the worst place to deal with divorce or custody issues since they try and force the family thing. What I mean by that is it seems like any biological father, fit or not, can show up in court to try and get custody of his kid and the court is so hellbent on him being in his child's life that they will hear his case. Some people fight custody battles because they want to "win" or because they want to try and get more custody to "punish" the other parent for leaving, cheating, etc. But some just truly want what's best for their child and can act like adults and put their relationship issues aside to work out a plan. So what happens when you have one mature parent and one who only seems to care about winning?
I don't think the nightmare that is custody is only about the parents and their motives. I think the entire family court system is broken. A judge looks at your file for five minutes and tells you to go in a back room and work it out amongst yourselves. Then when you can't, he/she says you just didn't try hard enough and forces you to keep trying thus slowing down all other matters (divorce, relocation plans and such). Yes, ideally, both parents should be involved in their child's life, I don't think many people would disagree with that. But it seems so easy for parents who only want to win to do so and it's almost as if the court system is set up to be their accomplice. Custody battles are like weddings in that you get so caught up in the excitement of it that you forget what comes after it's all over - the hard part. I mean, can you imagine how great it would be if the "win" parents applied as much passion to raising their kids post-battle as they do during the negotiations? Shrinks might go out of business, the kids would grow into such well-rounded adults. In a perfect world, huh? I wish more parents remembered that kids are people, not possessions or prizes to be won.
All that said, I'm on the brink of having to make some concessions on the custody front soon that I don't want to make. I can't help but feel like my hand is being forced solely because the mother of my child didn't like my response to a subject she brought up recently. And I get why she's upset, I probably would be too if I were in her shoes, but I would NEVER take it out on our child. I could spend every hour of every day with that little girl and never get tired of her, so of course I would love to keep things as they are right now. And I know our current agreement was temporary and has lasted longer than it was supposed to and I appreciate that. But I think the only legit reason for her to try and change our agreement so radically would be my being a bad father. And I don't think I am. This thing just gets more f**ked up by the day and I've about had it with her revelations about things she should've told me sooner. I don't like threats and maybe hers are empty and were just hurled in the heat of the moment, but still...It's just drama on top of drama and there's nothing I can do about it right now. So instead I'm gonna try and put it out of my mind for the next month and a half and hope we can work through our issues and just enjoy being with my girl.
I am one of of three people I know dealing with custody drama right now, all of whom would rather it be drama-free, the other two being women whose cases are being heard in New York (mine is not in N.Y.). I hear N.Y. is the worst place to deal with divorce or custody issues since they try and force the family thing. What I mean by that is it seems like any biological father, fit or not, can show up in court to try and get custody of his kid and the court is so hellbent on him being in his child's life that they will hear his case. Some people fight custody battles because they want to "win" or because they want to try and get more custody to "punish" the other parent for leaving, cheating, etc. But some just truly want what's best for their child and can act like adults and put their relationship issues aside to work out a plan. So what happens when you have one mature parent and one who only seems to care about winning?
I don't think the nightmare that is custody is only about the parents and their motives. I think the entire family court system is broken. A judge looks at your file for five minutes and tells you to go in a back room and work it out amongst yourselves. Then when you can't, he/she says you just didn't try hard enough and forces you to keep trying thus slowing down all other matters (divorce, relocation plans and such). Yes, ideally, both parents should be involved in their child's life, I don't think many people would disagree with that. But it seems so easy for parents who only want to win to do so and it's almost as if the court system is set up to be their accomplice. Custody battles are like weddings in that you get so caught up in the excitement of it that you forget what comes after it's all over - the hard part. I mean, can you imagine how great it would be if the "win" parents applied as much passion to raising their kids post-battle as they do during the negotiations? Shrinks might go out of business, the kids would grow into such well-rounded adults. In a perfect world, huh? I wish more parents remembered that kids are people, not possessions or prizes to be won.
All that said, I'm on the brink of having to make some concessions on the custody front soon that I don't want to make. I can't help but feel like my hand is being forced solely because the mother of my child didn't like my response to a subject she brought up recently. And I get why she's upset, I probably would be too if I were in her shoes, but I would NEVER take it out on our child. I could spend every hour of every day with that little girl and never get tired of her, so of course I would love to keep things as they are right now. And I know our current agreement was temporary and has lasted longer than it was supposed to and I appreciate that. But I think the only legit reason for her to try and change our agreement so radically would be my being a bad father. And I don't think I am. This thing just gets more f**ked up by the day and I've about had it with her revelations about things she should've told me sooner. I don't like threats and maybe hers are empty and were just hurled in the heat of the moment, but still...It's just drama on top of drama and there's nothing I can do about it right now. So instead I'm gonna try and put it out of my mind for the next month and a half and hope we can work through our issues and just enjoy being with my girl.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Speechless
I am one of those people who can get up in front of a crowd and shake my ass during a lively rendition of any good karaoke song (or a bad one for that matter cuz it's all about giving the people a show). And yet the thought of speaking in front of a crowd terrifies me like you wouldn't believe. When I was a senior in high school, we were given an assignment to research our family names, come up with a crest that represented us and present it to the class. It accounted for almost 60% of our grade but I begged my teacher (who didn't like me AT ALL) to let me do something else rather than a presentation and she finally let me do a written final instead.
Oddly, I had no trouble directing in front of a group of people during film school, a path that I began during my sophomore year of high school. First, I fell in love with writing scripts (which was probably to be expected since I already loved to write), then I was drafted by a classmate to appear as an extra with one line in his film project. I bombed like you wouldn't believe and was soon replaced by someone with the ability to utter a single line in front of twenty people. The week after that I began directing my first short film project and took to directing very naturally, almost as if that was my comfort zone. And that was weird since I was calling out orders to a crew of twelve students in locations that often included several other people as extras. That was the only time I didn't have a problem speaking up in front of a group and it was also one of the greatest times of my life because I was discovering a new passion in film making.
I'm a believer in the universe having some weird way of sending you where you need to be and fate definitely intervened when it came to my falling in love with film. I wasn't even supposed to take a film class in high school, I had intended to study culinary arts, but the woman who was signing us up for classes marked film down as my first choice and I ended up getting into that program. I've always been thankful to the two teachers I had in that class because they taught me so much, and not just about film. I remember we had one guest speaker come through class often and talk about his experiences working in the local film industry, he was their most successful graduate of the program. My classmates and I hung on his every word and used to talk about what it would be like to work in the local film industry someday ourselves. I made it a bit farther than that, no doubt helped by the fact that I went to college in California, and as my career has advanced I've told my former teachers that if they ever needed anything I would be more than happy to help them out. I did not realize that would include being a guest speaker for their current class. And obviously I could have said no but I know what it's like to be a kid in that class, wondering if you can actually do something you love for a living and seeing proof that your skills will take you as far as you wanna go. So I said I would come speak to their class and tell 'em what it's like to work in the film industry for a living. And I am terrified. So we will see if any words come out once I get up there.
Oddly, I had no trouble directing in front of a group of people during film school, a path that I began during my sophomore year of high school. First, I fell in love with writing scripts (which was probably to be expected since I already loved to write), then I was drafted by a classmate to appear as an extra with one line in his film project. I bombed like you wouldn't believe and was soon replaced by someone with the ability to utter a single line in front of twenty people. The week after that I began directing my first short film project and took to directing very naturally, almost as if that was my comfort zone. And that was weird since I was calling out orders to a crew of twelve students in locations that often included several other people as extras. That was the only time I didn't have a problem speaking up in front of a group and it was also one of the greatest times of my life because I was discovering a new passion in film making.
I'm a believer in the universe having some weird way of sending you where you need to be and fate definitely intervened when it came to my falling in love with film. I wasn't even supposed to take a film class in high school, I had intended to study culinary arts, but the woman who was signing us up for classes marked film down as my first choice and I ended up getting into that program. I've always been thankful to the two teachers I had in that class because they taught me so much, and not just about film. I remember we had one guest speaker come through class often and talk about his experiences working in the local film industry, he was their most successful graduate of the program. My classmates and I hung on his every word and used to talk about what it would be like to work in the local film industry someday ourselves. I made it a bit farther than that, no doubt helped by the fact that I went to college in California, and as my career has advanced I've told my former teachers that if they ever needed anything I would be more than happy to help them out. I did not realize that would include being a guest speaker for their current class. And obviously I could have said no but I know what it's like to be a kid in that class, wondering if you can actually do something you love for a living and seeing proof that your skills will take you as far as you wanna go. So I said I would come speak to their class and tell 'em what it's like to work in the film industry for a living. And I am terrified. So we will see if any words come out once I get up there.
How Low (or in my case High) Can You Go?
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about dating and how high or low in age we would go. I previously reported that I seem to be a reverse ageist and that my dating window seems to have become very small. When I was younger I would've dated someone in their 40's without giving it a second thought but now that seems like too big of a difference for me. I don't want anymore kids but I guess part of me thinks it would be nice to still have the option in case I change my mind. Even 38 seems like a bit of a stretch for me but I'm keeping an open mind on how old I would actually date. My mom is barely into her 50's and for some reason that's what I think of when I think about dating someone in their 40's and that never bothered me before. (There's less than a ten year age difference between my mom and the mother of my child.) I wonder if that has something to do with a kid being involved now?
On the low end of the spectrum is, well, ageist me. I've dated two people in my entire life who were younger than me, both only by about two years, and it did not go well. In one of those I was definitely the bad guy but some of the issues were about inexperience. But I have to say that dating someone younger does not really appeal to me at all. And I'm not sure why since, in theory, it is just a number. I guess I would go as young as 27 but interestingly I seem to attract women who are college age (think 20 to 24) but I absolutely could not date anyone that young. I mean, that's about the same age as my teenager (whom I'm still gonna call my teenager even though she's 20) and that seems so...wrong now. It's like I look at girls that age and see my charge and it's an instant turn-off (although it would be kinda funny to bring home a 21-year-old girlfriend one day just to see the fit my teenager would have). Something I also hadn't thought of until recently was that people in that 20-24 age bracket don't tend to really have a grasp on who they are as people yet. That could be a problem in the long run, there's that whole thing of what you want in your 20's isn't necessarily what you want in your 30's and so on. In the end though you can't control who you fall in love with so all my rambling may not matter.
On the low end of the spectrum is, well, ageist me. I've dated two people in my entire life who were younger than me, both only by about two years, and it did not go well. In one of those I was definitely the bad guy but some of the issues were about inexperience. But I have to say that dating someone younger does not really appeal to me at all. And I'm not sure why since, in theory, it is just a number. I guess I would go as young as 27 but interestingly I seem to attract women who are college age (think 20 to 24) but I absolutely could not date anyone that young. I mean, that's about the same age as my teenager (whom I'm still gonna call my teenager even though she's 20) and that seems so...wrong now. It's like I look at girls that age and see my charge and it's an instant turn-off (although it would be kinda funny to bring home a 21-year-old girlfriend one day just to see the fit my teenager would have). Something I also hadn't thought of until recently was that people in that 20-24 age bracket don't tend to really have a grasp on who they are as people yet. That could be a problem in the long run, there's that whole thing of what you want in your 20's isn't necessarily what you want in your 30's and so on. In the end though you can't control who you fall in love with so all my rambling may not matter.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Stay Together "For The Kids"
Having never been married I can't put my finger on what it is about that piece of paper that changes so much in a relationship. One friend suggested it may be the way marriage is defined by society while another thought it might be that marriage makes you feel like you're really an adult and brings on many new responsibilities. Maybe it's a little bit of both or maybe it's something else entirely, either way I'm not real anxious to find out for myself (but never say never, right?). Although I do think that some people give up on relationships in general too soon or for petty reasons, I don't think it's a good idea to stay together for the kids just because there isn't a major flaw in the marriage (ie. violence, infidelity). I imagine divorce is traumatic for kids no matter how amicable it is between the parents. I have friends whose parents split when they were kids and others whose parents split when they were adults and whether it was amicable or traumatic, they all agree that it affected them in some way. We're programmed to want the happy family life which means we want our parents to be together.
Kids know so much more than what you tell them, they can read between the lines and I believe they'll know whether or not you're truly happy. Also, if you decide to stick it out for them, what does that really mean? If divorce is rough no matter how old they are, then isn't a commitment to stay together for the kids a commitment to stay unhappily together until you die? Those who say you should try and make it work claim that children of divorce have trouble adjusting to two different worlds and families and ultimately struggle with questions about themselves as they grow up. But...don't the majority of us deal with that anyway? I mean, no one is born knowing who they are or who they're meant to become, right? We all learn as we go along, that's what life is about. I think it's less about marriage and divorce and more about stability and maturity and showing your kids that you're never gonna stop loving them and that you'll always feel a certain way about their mother or father because you share this amazing little person.
Everyone has the right to be happy with someone and everybody makes mistakes and doesn't get it right on the first try. People who say that if you have kids you should be forced to remain in a marriage get on my last damn nerve. Some marriages are a mistake and yes we have to live with our mistakes but sometimes, even if no one cheats or knocks you around, it really is better for the kids that you get out of that situation. Actually, it's also probably a valuable life lesson for them because it gives you a chance to explain to them that some things don't work out the way you plan in life but that that's okay. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be tricky as hell to bring new people into the lives of your kids (as I am now learning) even if they do get along with each other. But part of being a parent is teaching your kids what a functional relationship is and what's functional about not being in love anymore but sticking it out because it's (supposedly) what's best for the kid? I mean, it's not like you can date while you're still living with your spouse, even if you're not together in that way anymore. How would you explain that one to your kids? I don't know, the whole thing seems like a very bad idea to me. I know that kids change a lot of stuff in relationships but I think if you wouldn't stay in the relationship without kids then you really shouldn't stay in it just because of the kids. And I wonder how many people actually buy this crap and raise their kids in that situation.
Kids know so much more than what you tell them, they can read between the lines and I believe they'll know whether or not you're truly happy. Also, if you decide to stick it out for them, what does that really mean? If divorce is rough no matter how old they are, then isn't a commitment to stay together for the kids a commitment to stay unhappily together until you die? Those who say you should try and make it work claim that children of divorce have trouble adjusting to two different worlds and families and ultimately struggle with questions about themselves as they grow up. But...don't the majority of us deal with that anyway? I mean, no one is born knowing who they are or who they're meant to become, right? We all learn as we go along, that's what life is about. I think it's less about marriage and divorce and more about stability and maturity and showing your kids that you're never gonna stop loving them and that you'll always feel a certain way about their mother or father because you share this amazing little person.
Everyone has the right to be happy with someone and everybody makes mistakes and doesn't get it right on the first try. People who say that if you have kids you should be forced to remain in a marriage get on my last damn nerve. Some marriages are a mistake and yes we have to live with our mistakes but sometimes, even if no one cheats or knocks you around, it really is better for the kids that you get out of that situation. Actually, it's also probably a valuable life lesson for them because it gives you a chance to explain to them that some things don't work out the way you plan in life but that that's okay. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be tricky as hell to bring new people into the lives of your kids (as I am now learning) even if they do get along with each other. But part of being a parent is teaching your kids what a functional relationship is and what's functional about not being in love anymore but sticking it out because it's (supposedly) what's best for the kid? I mean, it's not like you can date while you're still living with your spouse, even if you're not together in that way anymore. How would you explain that one to your kids? I don't know, the whole thing seems like a very bad idea to me. I know that kids change a lot of stuff in relationships but I think if you wouldn't stay in the relationship without kids then you really shouldn't stay in it just because of the kids. And I wonder how many people actually buy this crap and raise their kids in that situation.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Let's Talk About Sex
You know the talk that you have with people before any of the real fun stuff goes down in a relationship? It is also commonly referred to as "The Talk" about past partners, whose been tested and when, contraception, etc. Since I've usually dated older women this talk has almost always been standard and obviously it's one you have to have at some point for safety's sake. It didn't occur to me that some women take offense when a guy brings it up. A friend mentioned it might be offensive because it triggers the, 'What, you don't trust me? Or do you just think I'm a slut?' part of the brain. But I don't buy that. If you're a mature adult (which, let's face it, not everyone is when it comes to sex) then that discussion shouldn't turn into a battle at all. I've had this conversation in many different ways (and that kinda makes me sound like a slut but 'many' is relative here). Sometimes it's just been a five minute convo about whether or not both parties have been tested with no explanation of past experiences or partners needed. Other times it's been more detailed and one at least one occasion, it's been discussed after the deed was done (better late than never...kinda). I don't have a problem telling someone that info because I have nothing to hide.
In the past week I've encountered (not a sex encounter, mind you) a woman who said she would be horribly offended if a dude brought up that subject prior to anything happening but she couldn't explain why she found it so offensive. And a friend of mine recently tried to have that talk with a woman he's dating and she got all bent and walked out with no explanation. I was curious as to whether there was a man alive who would be offended if a woman asked him the same thing. I thought no, right? Because men are supposed to just be happy they're getting any, no matter the obstacles involved. But actually a few of my girl friends say they've known at least one guy who took offense to having be tested at all. That seems weird. All that convo really means is that I want you to be safe and I would hope you want me to be safe so let's just get it all out there and get on with our lives. If I asked a woman about testing and such and she had a cow it would be a major red flag because I would wonder what it is that she's hiding, you know? If you have no issues (diseases, etc.) in that department then I don't think you should be offended at all, regardless of your gender.
In the past week I've encountered (not a sex encounter, mind you) a woman who said she would be horribly offended if a dude brought up that subject prior to anything happening but she couldn't explain why she found it so offensive. And a friend of mine recently tried to have that talk with a woman he's dating and she got all bent and walked out with no explanation. I was curious as to whether there was a man alive who would be offended if a woman asked him the same thing. I thought no, right? Because men are supposed to just be happy they're getting any, no matter the obstacles involved. But actually a few of my girl friends say they've known at least one guy who took offense to having be tested at all. That seems weird. All that convo really means is that I want you to be safe and I would hope you want me to be safe so let's just get it all out there and get on with our lives. If I asked a woman about testing and such and she had a cow it would be a major red flag because I would wonder what it is that she's hiding, you know? If you have no issues (diseases, etc.) in that department then I don't think you should be offended at all, regardless of your gender.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Inked
What is it about sitting down in a chair and having a needle repeatedly pierce your skin that is so appealing? Nothing really. And yet, I continue to find myself in that chair, the familiar hum of the tattoo gun in my ear. People always say that you can't get just one tattoo because it's an addiction and I can tell you that is absolutely true. I know of only one person who has just a single tattoo in my inner circle but I know of several who said they would never get a second one and now have several. I guess the little masochist in people enjoys the pain and the rush of the process. I don't fully understand it myself and I'm into the double digits in tattoos already.
I've wanted a tattoo since I was a kid and I couldn't tell you why. My uncle is a tattoo artist so I'm sure seeing him come home at the end of the day with all of his paraphernalia and stencils contributed to my desire to have one (he used to do the most awesome fake designs on us). Thankfully I waited until I had enough sense to know not to get stupid stuff permanently inked on my body before I got my first tattoo. Every single one of mine means something to me and most of them were done during a significant time of my life. I've spent the better part of my 20's piercing stuff and getting inked but I was 95% sure that the last tattoo I got about eight months ago was actually the last one. I was mistaken.
During our trip to New Orleans my friends and I have seen the sights, had some awesome conversations, eaten too much, had way too much to drink (I swear one of my friends was drunk the entire trip, you know who you are) and nearly burned down our kitchen. We went out walking the streets the other day and passed a tattoo shop and one of my friends (who said she would never get a second tattoo and now has four) decided she wanted to get some new ink in memory of her brother. So we all wander into the tattoo shop (yes, we were sober at the time) planning to hang out while she gets her new artwork. But we couldn't just sit down and talk about something non-tattoo related, nooo, we had to talk about whether or not we intended to get anymore and what we would get. By the time we left the joint four of us had new tattoos. Some had been planning on getting something new for awhile and figured no time like the present while others (aka me) had no real solid plans to get anything new but had been flirting with a design for the past few months.
I'm not gonna say this is the last one cuz obviously that's one thing I can't commit to, so I'll just say it's the last one of 2010 since that seems doable. I've blogged before that my mother hates my tattoos (or any body modification really) with such a passion that she no longer wishes to hear when I add to my collection (as she puts it, I'm her baby and she didn't make no mistakes so why do I have to go out and alter her creation). I don't intend to tell her about this one, however one of my friends took a picture of me while I was getting it done and I have a feeling he intends to use it for blackmail of some sort. So if she finds out about this, I'll know where to find the dude that sold me out. That's not a threat, mind you. Just a hypothetical...
I've wanted a tattoo since I was a kid and I couldn't tell you why. My uncle is a tattoo artist so I'm sure seeing him come home at the end of the day with all of his paraphernalia and stencils contributed to my desire to have one (he used to do the most awesome fake designs on us). Thankfully I waited until I had enough sense to know not to get stupid stuff permanently inked on my body before I got my first tattoo. Every single one of mine means something to me and most of them were done during a significant time of my life. I've spent the better part of my 20's piercing stuff and getting inked but I was 95% sure that the last tattoo I got about eight months ago was actually the last one. I was mistaken.
During our trip to New Orleans my friends and I have seen the sights, had some awesome conversations, eaten too much, had way too much to drink (I swear one of my friends was drunk the entire trip, you know who you are) and nearly burned down our kitchen. We went out walking the streets the other day and passed a tattoo shop and one of my friends (who said she would never get a second tattoo and now has four) decided she wanted to get some new ink in memory of her brother. So we all wander into the tattoo shop (yes, we were sober at the time) planning to hang out while she gets her new artwork. But we couldn't just sit down and talk about something non-tattoo related, nooo, we had to talk about whether or not we intended to get anymore and what we would get. By the time we left the joint four of us had new tattoos. Some had been planning on getting something new for awhile and figured no time like the present while others (aka me) had no real solid plans to get anything new but had been flirting with a design for the past few months.
I'm not gonna say this is the last one cuz obviously that's one thing I can't commit to, so I'll just say it's the last one of 2010 since that seems doable. I've blogged before that my mother hates my tattoos (or any body modification really) with such a passion that she no longer wishes to hear when I add to my collection (as she puts it, I'm her baby and she didn't make no mistakes so why do I have to go out and alter her creation). I don't intend to tell her about this one, however one of my friends took a picture of me while I was getting it done and I have a feeling he intends to use it for blackmail of some sort. So if she finds out about this, I'll know where to find the dude that sold me out. That's not a threat, mind you. Just a hypothetical...
Friday, November 19, 2010
Once Bitten, Forever Traumatized (and by a 4-year old)
When I was a kid Christmas music and shopping took center stage the week before Thanksgiving, maybe two weeks before at the most. This year I heard Christmas music while shopping for a Halloween costume with my kid and have since found that a handful of radio stations have been devoted to Christmas music 24/7 since the calendar turned over to November. I don't listen to the radio at all but it's still disturbing how early people wanna force the holidays on everybody else. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays but if we keep celebrating them earlier and earlier every year than we'll actually be celebrating Christmas in July. Not to mention it makes the whole season less special and magical because by the time the actual holiday rolls around you're already sick of hearing about it.
If you don't have any kids in your life then all of the early holiday promotion is just annoying but no big deal. But when you have kids it's a major deal because, especially in the 1-5 age bracket, they don't know that Christmas is still kind of a long ways off. All they know is that they see trees and toys in red and green boxes everywhere they go, so they assume Santa must be coming soon. Fortunately my daughter is still so wrapped up in her new musical instruments that she's barely looked up at all the decorations going up around her. I hope that lasts for another week because the tree doesn't go up until after we've had turkey in our house. I know the earlier season is all about marketing and the stores counting on getting your kid so whipped up into a holiday frenzy that you give in and buy them at least one pre-holiday toy to get them off of your back. But seriously, what's next? At this rate, we'll all be taking the kids to visit Santa while they're still wearing their swimsuits.
I dared to venture out on one Black Friday and I will never do it again. My niece was very young at the time, maybe five or six, and she of course wanted the hottest toy of the holiday season, something having to do with the whole Pokemon craze. Her parents both had to work and figured she'd just have to live without it but I, being totally smitten with this little girl, figured I may as well give it a shot and see if I could find her one. So I get up at 4 A.M. and go to a billion different stores who are all long sold out of the toy I'm looking for. Then, at around 11 P.M. when I was running on fumes, a friend who worked at Toys R Us called and said they were getting a shipment of the things in like 20 minutes. I get to the store and there is a rather large crowd waiting for them to stock the shelves and once they did, these people lost their damn minds. They were pushing each other out of the way and bowling over little kids to try and get their hands on A TOY (and yes, I was also trying to get my hands on one but, at the end of the day, it is only a toy, not like...air or anything. I refuse to knock people down in pursuit of a toy). They were insane (dare I say crazed) but I managed to grab one and start heading for the checkout. Then I hit a rack of bikes with my shoulder and dropped the toy and this little kid comes flying into my view and throws himself on top of the thing like it's a grenade. We have a minor...hell, I just tried to grab it back from him and he pulled from the other side and starts screaming at the top of his lungs (which, oddly did not seem to alert anybody). I finally wrestle it from his Darth Vader-like death grip and he yells, "Hey! That's mine!" and I told him I did not think so and was preparing to head for the door when the little maniac grabbed my arm and bit my hand. I dropped the toy and he picked it up and moved his little legs for all they were worth. And then I did something I am not proud of but felt I had to do for my niece's happiness; I saw that the kid was gonna cut the corner of the aisle too close and slam into the same rack of bikes I'd hit and I didn't say a word to warn him, I just waited. He hit the bikes, dropped the toy and started crying and I swooped in, grabbed the toy and went home to bandage up my hand (the little monster actually srew blood, I still have the scar to this day). And you know the best part of the whole freakin' story? My niece lived with that toy for seven months, took it everywhere she went and then one day left it, '"somewhere, I don't 'member where" and we never saw it again. I love her but every time I look at that scar...*sigh* the emotional scars last forever I guess ;p
If you don't have any kids in your life then all of the early holiday promotion is just annoying but no big deal. But when you have kids it's a major deal because, especially in the 1-5 age bracket, they don't know that Christmas is still kind of a long ways off. All they know is that they see trees and toys in red and green boxes everywhere they go, so they assume Santa must be coming soon. Fortunately my daughter is still so wrapped up in her new musical instruments that she's barely looked up at all the decorations going up around her. I hope that lasts for another week because the tree doesn't go up until after we've had turkey in our house. I know the earlier season is all about marketing and the stores counting on getting your kid so whipped up into a holiday frenzy that you give in and buy them at least one pre-holiday toy to get them off of your back. But seriously, what's next? At this rate, we'll all be taking the kids to visit Santa while they're still wearing their swimsuits.
I dared to venture out on one Black Friday and I will never do it again. My niece was very young at the time, maybe five or six, and she of course wanted the hottest toy of the holiday season, something having to do with the whole Pokemon craze. Her parents both had to work and figured she'd just have to live without it but I, being totally smitten with this little girl, figured I may as well give it a shot and see if I could find her one. So I get up at 4 A.M. and go to a billion different stores who are all long sold out of the toy I'm looking for. Then, at around 11 P.M. when I was running on fumes, a friend who worked at Toys R Us called and said they were getting a shipment of the things in like 20 minutes. I get to the store and there is a rather large crowd waiting for them to stock the shelves and once they did, these people lost their damn minds. They were pushing each other out of the way and bowling over little kids to try and get their hands on A TOY (and yes, I was also trying to get my hands on one but, at the end of the day, it is only a toy, not like...air or anything. I refuse to knock people down in pursuit of a toy). They were insane (dare I say crazed) but I managed to grab one and start heading for the checkout. Then I hit a rack of bikes with my shoulder and dropped the toy and this little kid comes flying into my view and throws himself on top of the thing like it's a grenade. We have a minor...hell, I just tried to grab it back from him and he pulled from the other side and starts screaming at the top of his lungs (which, oddly did not seem to alert anybody). I finally wrestle it from his Darth Vader-like death grip and he yells, "Hey! That's mine!" and I told him I did not think so and was preparing to head for the door when the little maniac grabbed my arm and bit my hand. I dropped the toy and he picked it up and moved his little legs for all they were worth. And then I did something I am not proud of but felt I had to do for my niece's happiness; I saw that the kid was gonna cut the corner of the aisle too close and slam into the same rack of bikes I'd hit and I didn't say a word to warn him, I just waited. He hit the bikes, dropped the toy and started crying and I swooped in, grabbed the toy and went home to bandage up my hand (the little monster actually srew blood, I still have the scar to this day). And you know the best part of the whole freakin' story? My niece lived with that toy for seven months, took it everywhere she went and then one day left it, '"somewhere, I don't 'member where" and we never saw it again. I love her but every time I look at that scar...*sigh* the emotional scars last forever I guess ;p
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The "Art" of the Pick-Up
My last post, as well as the pick-up lines that provoked it, so amused my friends that this is what I've had to deal with the past 24 hours:
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you're hot!
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Are your parents retarded? 'cuz DANG your special!
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
Can I have your picture, so I can show santa what I want for christmas?
And my favorite:
I'd better get a library card cuz I am checkin' you out!
Me: lol Make sure I'm on a ladder up high so you can see under my shirt when you check me out.
I'll just shake the ladder a little and make you fall for me...ooooooh smooth right?? lol, I know.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you're hot!
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Are your parents retarded? 'cuz DANG your special!
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
Can I have your picture, so I can show santa what I want for christmas?
And my favorite:
I'd better get a library card cuz I am checkin' you out!
Me: lol Make sure I'm on a ladder up high so you can see under my shirt when you check me out.
I'll just shake the ladder a little and make you fall for me...ooooooh smooth right?? lol, I know.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Hey baby, what's your sign?
Is it hot for women to make the first move? Some guys want 'to be the man' and don't like it at all, (no clue why some dudes think it makes them less manly, but I digress). I am of the mind that, hell yes it's sexy IF it's done right (notice the big if). But I think pick-up lines are only good for amusing yourself and/or your friends because they're so ridiculous. I didn't think women relied on them so much given they are the smarter sex. But I was wrong.
Case A: "I'd like to see the sexy body that goes with that sexy mind." Two things wrong with this. One, it has given my friends an endless amount of ammo with which to torture me. I ask for the t.v. remote and I get, "Sure. Here you go sexy man." I wonder aloud if I feel like getting my coffee hot or iced and the reply is, "Iced. You must be burning up from all your sexiness, you need to cool down." (That one was said in someones outside voice while inside a packed coffeehouse...yeah, that was just awesome.) The second thing wrong with the line is that it's just so lame. If I went up to a woman and said it she would laugh in my face and not in a good way (unless she was like an uber-nerd or something). I know it can be hard to know what to say to someone, I'm a shy dude, I get it. But if you wouldn't respond to it being used on you, then you probably shouldn't use it on someone else (if it's a general line, not a gender specific one).
Case B: "You look large." Now I know what you're thinking, that it was just an innocent comment she uttered while handing me a t-shirt and my gutter mind turned it dirty. But when I fill in the details about how it was said, "You look...large" followed by her looking directly at my crotch as she said the last part...well, now you see my point. It was not hot. Nor was her attempting to grab my ass and look up my shirt while I was standing on a ladder. This one is annoying on so many levels, primarily the whole violation of personal space one. It's like she thinks I didn't get what she meant by her line so she's trying to make it very obvious that she wants to...I'll spare you the details of what she wants to do. But seriously, I'm starting to miss the good old-fashioned days of like going steady and wearing someones letter jacket (and I wasn't even alive during those days). Simple stuff goes a long way sometimes.
Case A: "I'd like to see the sexy body that goes with that sexy mind." Two things wrong with this. One, it has given my friends an endless amount of ammo with which to torture me. I ask for the t.v. remote and I get, "Sure. Here you go sexy man." I wonder aloud if I feel like getting my coffee hot or iced and the reply is, "Iced. You must be burning up from all your sexiness, you need to cool down." (That one was said in someones outside voice while inside a packed coffeehouse...yeah, that was just awesome.) The second thing wrong with the line is that it's just so lame. If I went up to a woman and said it she would laugh in my face and not in a good way (unless she was like an uber-nerd or something). I know it can be hard to know what to say to someone, I'm a shy dude, I get it. But if you wouldn't respond to it being used on you, then you probably shouldn't use it on someone else (if it's a general line, not a gender specific one).
Case B: "You look large." Now I know what you're thinking, that it was just an innocent comment she uttered while handing me a t-shirt and my gutter mind turned it dirty. But when I fill in the details about how it was said, "You look...large" followed by her looking directly at my crotch as she said the last part...well, now you see my point. It was not hot. Nor was her attempting to grab my ass and look up my shirt while I was standing on a ladder. This one is annoying on so many levels, primarily the whole violation of personal space one. It's like she thinks I didn't get what she meant by her line so she's trying to make it very obvious that she wants to...I'll spare you the details of what she wants to do. But seriously, I'm starting to miss the good old-fashioned days of like going steady and wearing someones letter jacket (and I wasn't even alive during those days). Simple stuff goes a long way sometimes.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Whine Country
You know what really grinds my gears? (10 points if you get the reference.) People who whine about petty things like how they're never gonna find anyone. And you know what (here's tough love me coming out to play), maybe you're not. That's just the way it is for some folks, depressing as it sounds. But dude, you're 24 years old! You've been an active dater for, what, maybe ten years? Newsflash - some people don't find their someone until their 40's so if you're resigning yourself to a life of being single and going all 'woe is me' after less than a decade, good luck with all the other shockers life has in store for you. (I don't wanna ruin the surprise but this thing called life tends to not always be fair).
Is there someone for everyone? Who knows. The die hard romantic in me would like to think it is so. But I'm sure as hell not gonna witch and moan about how 'nobody likes me, everybody hates me' just because my someone hasn't shown up yet (or maybe it's me who's late to that party, maybe the universe changed our time to cross paths and I missed the memo). Maybe it's a personality thing; some people need a partner to feel stable or loved or have any self-worth. That's not exactly healthy but I have known some people who seem completely lost if they're not in a relationship, even if it's a bad relationship.
Have you ever thought that maybe there's a reason this person you're so desperately waiting on has not shown up yet? Consider that you may be lacking in some area (say, maturity) that is going to be crucial to making the relationship last. Or maybe the other person is lacking in some area. People learn and grow and experience things at different rates. It could be something as simple as one of you not being ready for forever and, if you get together now, it'd just fall apart. I've been very happy when I was single and I've been miserable but I've never given up, even when I probably had every right to do so. It sounds cheesy but I'm a firm believer that you need to learn to live with what you are and love yourself, flaws and all, before you can ever love or accept love from someone else. (Here's another one for you - Disney lies. Love is not that easy to find nor maintain). But when you're in the right place and they're in the right place, it'll happen. So until then, lay back and try to enjoy the ride.
Is there someone for everyone? Who knows. The die hard romantic in me would like to think it is so. But I'm sure as hell not gonna witch and moan about how 'nobody likes me, everybody hates me' just because my someone hasn't shown up yet (or maybe it's me who's late to that party, maybe the universe changed our time to cross paths and I missed the memo). Maybe it's a personality thing; some people need a partner to feel stable or loved or have any self-worth. That's not exactly healthy but I have known some people who seem completely lost if they're not in a relationship, even if it's a bad relationship.
Have you ever thought that maybe there's a reason this person you're so desperately waiting on has not shown up yet? Consider that you may be lacking in some area (say, maturity) that is going to be crucial to making the relationship last. Or maybe the other person is lacking in some area. People learn and grow and experience things at different rates. It could be something as simple as one of you not being ready for forever and, if you get together now, it'd just fall apart. I've been very happy when I was single and I've been miserable but I've never given up, even when I probably had every right to do so. It sounds cheesy but I'm a firm believer that you need to learn to live with what you are and love yourself, flaws and all, before you can ever love or accept love from someone else. (Here's another one for you - Disney lies. Love is not that easy to find nor maintain). But when you're in the right place and they're in the right place, it'll happen. So until then, lay back and try to enjoy the ride.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Self-Sabotage: Part Deux
I think it was a week ago (maybe two) when I wrote about my best friend and how we rarely fight. Well, we're experiencing the downside of that whole knowing somebody like you know yourself thing. We had a...let's call it a loud conversation about issues that have been lingering for awhile. I don't know if it was the subject matter or stress in general but we both said things we probably shouldn't have. But...I'm not so sure I shouldn't have said some of the stuff I did and, even though I know I should apologize, I'm grappling with just what I should apologize for.
Years ago one of my friends referred to me as 'adorably dysfunctional' while I was going through a particularly active period of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is a b**ch. It's such a difficult thing to break out of once you settle into it. Part of it is a choice; you know what you're doing, you likely know the outcome will not be good yet you choose to do it anyway. That's how it was for me during the 'dark ages' except I just didn't care that I was doing. Now it's more like I know what I'm doing, I consider it and I'm either able to reel in the impulse to do it at all or I do it anyway and deal with the consequences. But at least I'm more aware than I've ever been of my tendencies and I'm trying to change them. Some people recognize their habit of self-sabotage but have no desire to break the cycle. Or maybe there's a desire but they don't take the initiative. I don't know which one it is but I know that I'm tired of watching the same script play out repeatedly with the only difference being the characters involved. And I'm not sorry that I'm sick of watching it all unfold. But, in the end, people can only help themselves and I can't make the change for her. And I can't apologize or explain myself until she's ready to hear it. And so I wait...
Years ago one of my friends referred to me as 'adorably dysfunctional' while I was going through a particularly active period of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is a b**ch. It's such a difficult thing to break out of once you settle into it. Part of it is a choice; you know what you're doing, you likely know the outcome will not be good yet you choose to do it anyway. That's how it was for me during the 'dark ages' except I just didn't care that I was doing. Now it's more like I know what I'm doing, I consider it and I'm either able to reel in the impulse to do it at all or I do it anyway and deal with the consequences. But at least I'm more aware than I've ever been of my tendencies and I'm trying to change them. Some people recognize their habit of self-sabotage but have no desire to break the cycle. Or maybe there's a desire but they don't take the initiative. I don't know which one it is but I know that I'm tired of watching the same script play out repeatedly with the only difference being the characters involved. And I'm not sorry that I'm sick of watching it all unfold. But, in the end, people can only help themselves and I can't make the change for her. And I can't apologize or explain myself until she's ready to hear it. And so I wait...
Monday, November 8, 2010
I Hear Babies Cry, I Watch Them Grow
My daughter's foray into the terrible twos has been...well, terrible. But I have learned some new stuff about her along the way. At the top of that list is that when the girl commits to a cause, she goes all in. She spends about 60% of her days in time out, which seemed like the way to discipline her in the beginning since she hates to be bored. But apparently ain't a time out corner been built that can turn her away from her defiant behavior. Bright side? I'm convinced she could actually change the world in the future if the opportunity presented itself on the right day (and if she were in the right mood). Of course there have also been good revelations about her little personality. She's always loved to sing along with Disney movies but I didn't realize how much she actually loves all music until a few days ago. We were in the car and 'If I Fell' by The Beatles came on the radio and she said, 'Turn it up man!' (she calls everyone 'man' or 'dude' lately) and then sang the entire first verse almost perfectly. To say I was proud would be the understatement of the century.
I've noticed she's also been very interested in being on my lap whenever I play the guitar so I got her her own mini-guitar to "play". This had two unexpected benefits; if I tell her to behave or she'll be headed to a guitar-less time out she straightens right up (I swear she'd sleep with the thing if I let her) and second, she's picking up songs faster than I can teach them to her. It's like she's been archiving all these songs in her head and has now decided to share them with the world. Obviously her little fingers can't actually play songs yet but she gives it her all when she attempts 'Hey Jude' (which she sings 'hey dude'). I sat down at the piano yesterday and started playing 'Imagine' (which I used to sing to her before bed) and she sang the song from beginning to end all by herself. It is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
I am thrilled at this latest curve ball she's thrown me. Music is all I ever wanted to do with my life as a kid and I love that we have this in common. But I'm also aware that she could wake up one day and decide she's completely obsessed with something else. My sister's oldest learned both piano and guitar by the time she was 8 years old but is now 11 and has changed direction and devoted her time to sports. So I'll immensely enjoy playing the melodies for as long as she enjoys belting out the lyrics. What a wonderful world it is.
I've noticed she's also been very interested in being on my lap whenever I play the guitar so I got her her own mini-guitar to "play". This had two unexpected benefits; if I tell her to behave or she'll be headed to a guitar-less time out she straightens right up (I swear she'd sleep with the thing if I let her) and second, she's picking up songs faster than I can teach them to her. It's like she's been archiving all these songs in her head and has now decided to share them with the world. Obviously her little fingers can't actually play songs yet but she gives it her all when she attempts 'Hey Jude' (which she sings 'hey dude'). I sat down at the piano yesterday and started playing 'Imagine' (which I used to sing to her before bed) and she sang the song from beginning to end all by herself. It is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
I am thrilled at this latest curve ball she's thrown me. Music is all I ever wanted to do with my life as a kid and I love that we have this in common. But I'm also aware that she could wake up one day and decide she's completely obsessed with something else. My sister's oldest learned both piano and guitar by the time she was 8 years old but is now 11 and has changed direction and devoted her time to sports. So I'll immensely enjoy playing the melodies for as long as she enjoys belting out the lyrics. What a wonderful world it is.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
My World Just Flip Turned Upside Down
It is often said that being a parent is the toughest job you'll ever love. Parenthood challenges you in ways nothing else can and, for me, it came at a time when I needed direction and purpose in my life. It may have even saved my life. Almost everyone I've ever encountered has made some comment about how I was meant to be a father. I adore and have always gotten along well with kids (I like to think it's because we're on about the same maturity level). I can honestly say the birth of my first niece changed my life. Love at first sight. It was like I'd known this little being in another life and I'm thankful that we still share that connection. When she was a baby and I was a 20-year-old single dude my mom's friends would express concern about me taking her out on my own, as if I couldn't handle it. But taking care of kids has always come very naturally to me.
Babysit one kid? No problem. Two kids at once? Pssh, please. At least give me a challenge. Seven kids at once for half a day and the entire night? Well, what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger. In total there turned out to be nine kids; two in charge (both age 29), three who needed to be creatively entertained (ages 11, 8 and 8), three who needed constant supervision (ages 3, 2 and almost 1) and one who slept through most of the insanity (age 6 months and my favorite on this day). It seemed like a tall task but I had a plan to keep them all entertained simultaneously - build a fort. (People just don't do simple, fun stuff like that anymore.) But not just any old fort. This one was to be a recreation of the epic fort I built last Christmas that had two stories, its own lighting and a television (woulda had a mini-fridge too but the cord wouldn't reach the outlet). But you know what they say; men plan and God laughs.
I had every pillow, blanket and couch cushion I could find and construction began. We finished about two hours later and were about to begin rigging the lights when three toddlers come tearing out of the kitchen. One trips, they all fall like dominoes and land directly on the one piece holding the entire structure together. The whole thing came tumbling down right before my eyes. You woulda thought someone had just run over my puppy, I was majorly bummed. There went my foolproof plan for entertainment.
Instead of one big awesome thing to entertain them all, it turned into a patchwork kinda day involving some new school (thank you Nintendo Wii), some old school (an American Gladiators-type obstacle course built in the ruins of the fort) and some Halloween candy (cuz it'd be a shame if we sent them back to their parents without a weeks worth of sugar coursing through their veins). Add to that a vicious game of floor hockey in our p.j's and 'Back to the Future' Parts I & II and it adds up to nine exhausted kids passing out in the world's biggest bed (now the ruins of the obstacle course). I have to say I had an absolute blast but I am so exhausted and have no clue how people wrangle seven kids at once on a daily basis. Sure am glad my fort came crashing down though.
Babysit one kid? No problem. Two kids at once? Pssh, please. At least give me a challenge. Seven kids at once for half a day and the entire night? Well, what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger. In total there turned out to be nine kids; two in charge (both age 29), three who needed to be creatively entertained (ages 11, 8 and 8), three who needed constant supervision (ages 3, 2 and almost 1) and one who slept through most of the insanity (age 6 months and my favorite on this day). It seemed like a tall task but I had a plan to keep them all entertained simultaneously - build a fort. (People just don't do simple, fun stuff like that anymore.) But not just any old fort. This one was to be a recreation of the epic fort I built last Christmas that had two stories, its own lighting and a television (woulda had a mini-fridge too but the cord wouldn't reach the outlet). But you know what they say; men plan and God laughs.
I had every pillow, blanket and couch cushion I could find and construction began. We finished about two hours later and were about to begin rigging the lights when three toddlers come tearing out of the kitchen. One trips, they all fall like dominoes and land directly on the one piece holding the entire structure together. The whole thing came tumbling down right before my eyes. You woulda thought someone had just run over my puppy, I was majorly bummed. There went my foolproof plan for entertainment.
Instead of one big awesome thing to entertain them all, it turned into a patchwork kinda day involving some new school (thank you Nintendo Wii), some old school (an American Gladiators-type obstacle course built in the ruins of the fort) and some Halloween candy (cuz it'd be a shame if we sent them back to their parents without a weeks worth of sugar coursing through their veins). Add to that a vicious game of floor hockey in our p.j's and 'Back to the Future' Parts I & II and it adds up to nine exhausted kids passing out in the world's biggest bed (now the ruins of the obstacle course). I have to say I had an absolute blast but I am so exhausted and have no clue how people wrangle seven kids at once on a daily basis. Sure am glad my fort came crashing down though.
Friday, November 5, 2010
That's What Friends Are For (I hate that song)
I have a friend who is one of the most honest, caring people I know. She's incredibly smart and well read, very much an old soul which I think intimidates some dudes (though as she stated recently, she don't need no man). She's one of those people who loves you even when you can't love yourself. I should know since she's one of my go to people when I screw up and can't stand to look at myself. No matter how stupid or sleazy the issue, she doesn't judge it. She talks you down and says, 'Now how can we get through this' and walks with you out of the fog. She refuses to let you dwell in your disasters. There aren't many people around like her. She thinks she can be mean spirited or insensitive sometimes (and she can) but the good in her far outweighs the bad. I can be overly sensitive at times but I've still never felt like she was minimizing my feelings or brushing off my problems. I don't think she grasps how awesome she is. Anyone who can trade smart ass remarks with me, put up with my stupidity and appreciate my ability to rock her world with my kazoo (that's right, I said it) deserves a medal.
I have another friend who lost a sibling recently and called on me to help her through it. I wasn't sure how helpful I could be since I've never been in that situation but it turned out to be more about being there for support than anything else. I've known this person for three years though sometimes it feels more like twenty (in a good way) and we have dealt with some crazy stuff in that time. But she's hands down one of the strongest women I've ever met and that's saying something considering I grew up around a ton of strong chicks. She knew me before I had a child and she's stuck around through some interesting circumstances since I became a father. I was a mess when we met but she took all of it on as if it were nothing. It was nice to see her family again (though I wish it had been under different circumstances) and we had a good time just hanging out together. It wasn't awkward and it wasn't as somber as I thought it would be, it was just two friends talking and watching cheesy old movies. Then I went my way and she went hers.
I guess the point of all this is that I realized over the weekend how lucky I am to have these two people around. It seems like there are a lot of folks who can't find one person they can trust with their life but somehow I ended up with quite a few. Not sure what I did to deserve that. And I don't think I tell the people in my life how much I appreciate them and I should know better after where I've been. And I'm not sure why I'm suddenly so sentimental but I want both of you to remember this post the next time I say something that causes you to refer to me with a term of endearment (you know, 'bastard', 'ass' ;p).
I have another friend who lost a sibling recently and called on me to help her through it. I wasn't sure how helpful I could be since I've never been in that situation but it turned out to be more about being there for support than anything else. I've known this person for three years though sometimes it feels more like twenty (in a good way) and we have dealt with some crazy stuff in that time. But she's hands down one of the strongest women I've ever met and that's saying something considering I grew up around a ton of strong chicks. She knew me before I had a child and she's stuck around through some interesting circumstances since I became a father. I was a mess when we met but she took all of it on as if it were nothing. It was nice to see her family again (though I wish it had been under different circumstances) and we had a good time just hanging out together. It wasn't awkward and it wasn't as somber as I thought it would be, it was just two friends talking and watching cheesy old movies. Then I went my way and she went hers.
I guess the point of all this is that I realized over the weekend how lucky I am to have these two people around. It seems like there are a lot of folks who can't find one person they can trust with their life but somehow I ended up with quite a few. Not sure what I did to deserve that. And I don't think I tell the people in my life how much I appreciate them and I should know better after where I've been. And I'm not sure why I'm suddenly so sentimental but I want both of you to remember this post the next time I say something that causes you to refer to me with a term of endearment (you know, 'bastard', 'ass' ;p).
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Cheaters
I'm not proud of it but I used to be a fan of the t.v. show 'Cheaters' (and while I'm making confessions about guilty pleasure shows, I also loved 'Blind Date'). I think part of my fascination was watching the reactions of the guilty parties when they were confronted about their dirty deeds. The exchange was always something like this:
Spouse: "Who is this ho you been creepin' with?!"
Cheater: "Why you gotta come all up in here with cameras?!"
Clearly one of those things trumps the other but there was never a cheater who was remorseful about what they'd done. They were more concerned about being on camera.
The psyche of people who cheat is something that I don't understand at all. I've never cheated on anybody but I've been cheated on twice (only one of those hurt though cuz I wasn't emotionally attached to the other one). I think once you know how it feels to be cheated on there's no way you could ever do it to someone else, if you have any kind of heart. But I also think my feelings about cheaters are probably a little bit different than most because I wasn't just cheated on, I was also mind-f**ked for months afterward.
It seems like there are more ways to cheat now in this always connected age; sexting, Facebook, web sites that cater to people who wanna step out. So of course there are more ways to try and justify it. The most popular seems to be that humans are in actuality just animals, so cheating is an instinct and can't always be controlled. I've heard this theory before but I think it's total crap, just an excuse that cheaters use to try and defend their behavior. I've never heard someone who was the victim of a cheater defend this theory. Plus it makes no sense to me that we can be so evolved as to have manners (some of us, anyway) and form complex emotional relationships yet not evolved enough to reel in our own impulses. There's also a theory that birds are dinosaurs and that the genes that made them huge and scary millions of years ago turned themselves off for the sake of their survival. Some crazy ass scientists are actually trying to find the huge and scary gene and turn it back on (cuz doesn't it sound like a wonderful idea to have gigantic dinosaurs running around again? I mean, what could possibly go wrong there, right?). So it stands to reason that there could be some sort of cheating gene that is dormant in some (more evolved?) people but sickeningly active in others. Obviously it's not just genetics that make people cheat, it also has to do with the relationships you grew up around. Cheating is also a choice and it's pretty juvenile when you think about it. 'I want this AND I want that and so I'm gonna have both and not think about the consequences.'
Cheating has always been a deal breaker for me. I remember when I was growing up my mom would always say, 'If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you' and that's always stuck with me. It's just so right on. If you participate in that kind of relationship and you end up "winning" the cheater, you're completely stupid if you think they won't turn around and cheat on you the second they see someone else they want. I never thought my ex-fiance was the cheating kind but I was proven to be very wrong (more on that story here and here). I used to wait for the other shoe to drop so I could see her get her karmic kick in the ass but I've long since abandoned that line of thinking. I do believe what goes around comes around but not always in the same lifetime. And really, it wouldn't make me feel...happy or any other emotion to see something bad happen to her. I'd never wish bad things on anyone. But I don't wish her well. And I kinda wish I'd suspected something was going on so I coulda been on 'Cheaters' ;p
Spouse: "Who is this ho you been creepin' with?!"
Cheater: "Why you gotta come all up in here with cameras?!"
Clearly one of those things trumps the other but there was never a cheater who was remorseful about what they'd done. They were more concerned about being on camera.
The psyche of people who cheat is something that I don't understand at all. I've never cheated on anybody but I've been cheated on twice (only one of those hurt though cuz I wasn't emotionally attached to the other one). I think once you know how it feels to be cheated on there's no way you could ever do it to someone else, if you have any kind of heart. But I also think my feelings about cheaters are probably a little bit different than most because I wasn't just cheated on, I was also mind-f**ked for months afterward.
It seems like there are more ways to cheat now in this always connected age; sexting, Facebook, web sites that cater to people who wanna step out. So of course there are more ways to try and justify it. The most popular seems to be that humans are in actuality just animals, so cheating is an instinct and can't always be controlled. I've heard this theory before but I think it's total crap, just an excuse that cheaters use to try and defend their behavior. I've never heard someone who was the victim of a cheater defend this theory. Plus it makes no sense to me that we can be so evolved as to have manners (some of us, anyway) and form complex emotional relationships yet not evolved enough to reel in our own impulses. There's also a theory that birds are dinosaurs and that the genes that made them huge and scary millions of years ago turned themselves off for the sake of their survival. Some crazy ass scientists are actually trying to find the huge and scary gene and turn it back on (cuz doesn't it sound like a wonderful idea to have gigantic dinosaurs running around again? I mean, what could possibly go wrong there, right?). So it stands to reason that there could be some sort of cheating gene that is dormant in some (more evolved?) people but sickeningly active in others. Obviously it's not just genetics that make people cheat, it also has to do with the relationships you grew up around. Cheating is also a choice and it's pretty juvenile when you think about it. 'I want this AND I want that and so I'm gonna have both and not think about the consequences.'
Cheating has always been a deal breaker for me. I remember when I was growing up my mom would always say, 'If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you' and that's always stuck with me. It's just so right on. If you participate in that kind of relationship and you end up "winning" the cheater, you're completely stupid if you think they won't turn around and cheat on you the second they see someone else they want. I never thought my ex-fiance was the cheating kind but I was proven to be very wrong (more on that story here and here). I used to wait for the other shoe to drop so I could see her get her karmic kick in the ass but I've long since abandoned that line of thinking. I do believe what goes around comes around but not always in the same lifetime. And really, it wouldn't make me feel...happy or any other emotion to see something bad happen to her. I'd never wish bad things on anyone. But I don't wish her well. And I kinda wish I'd suspected something was going on so I coulda been on 'Cheaters' ;p
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