Let's say, hypothetically, you date someone around 12 years your senior. You're insanely attracted to them and the chemistry is so awesome that you're completely oblivious to the stares you get because you're an interracial couple. Everything is finally amazing in your life after a year of total hell. But a few months in you notice that your new squeeze has a tongue that can cut like a knife when they're upset or hurt and they often take out these frustrations on you. But that's the least of your problems because you are an emotional wreck who has yet to deal with your new found demons and your partner is not yet officially divorced from a person who left them unable to fully trust anyone. You've played this part before and it didn't end well at all and this sequel is worse because it involves two broken people looking for...? Escapism? Love? Who knows. Maybe it's two people banking on each other to be the answer and magically make all the negatives go away. And so, because neither of you will wave the white flag, you stay locked in this battle for nearly a year. Every fight is loud and no one fights fair and it always ends, eventually, with an apology and an empty promise that things will get better. And you both believe it because you want so desperately for it to be true. Maybe you stay because you convince yourself that the good times outweigh the bad and it's better than being alone with the static in your head. Then one day the other person decides it should be over. It's not the age difference or the difference in race that calls for an end, it's just a feeling you both share.
Years later, both older, wiser and still carrying a flame for one another, you begin casually dating again. You both have some misguided belief that you belong together in some way. You're not their only and they know they're not yours but you're both okay with that. You begin to lean on one another for support but also fall back into your old loud argument patterns. You start to think this is not what you signed up for, it was supposed to be just sex. Before it can go any further you realize that the flame has dimmed quite a bit for you and you're finally able to knock this person off the pedestal you had them on for so long. You still feel tremendous respect and loyalty towards this person but you don't want to be their crutch anymore. So this time you put an end to things, but stop short of saying you don't love them anymore since you never said those three words the second time around anyway. Your now ex-lover backs off but eventually returns and professes their love to you and talks about how they still feel the two of you are meant to be, forcing you to tell them you're not sure if you were ever truly in love with them to begin with. This deeply wounds them, which you didn't intend to do but you knew you had to tell them the truth, and they respond the only way they know how - by starting a fight. And the cycle begins again.
I'm wondering if it's possible for patterns like this to put themselves on auto-pilot when you're around certain people, even if you're not a couple anymore. I guess as long as there's a relationship of any kind, there's the possibility of falling back into unhealthy habits. What was once a 'can't live with you/can't live without you' situation is now becoming a 'have to live with you but can't stand how you provoke me' situation. I've always been attracted to difficult things; difficult women, difficult, sometimes even dangerous situations. But I always pull myself out of the aftermath. Now it feels like there's a weight tied to me that pulls me right back down to this person's level, where I hate to be. I don't understand how I could've grown so much and they've remained the same, sometimes ugly person they always were deep down. I'm not sorry that I don't feel the way they feel, it was never meant to be, but I am sorry I didn't make my actual feelings crystal clear much sooner. I think we both used to get a thrill out of the drama our relationship provided. But that's so not healthy. The funny thing is that we're both in a place where we can just focus on what we both love most and be happy we're the only two people on earth who share this amazing person. But they can't just let it be that way. And for what? Just because I don't feel what they feel.
So before you decide to make this difficult and create drama where none should exist, think about how excited you were before it all went to hell. Remember what you told me that night after your birthday party and how we both tried to make it happen. Think about our convos about what we would never become because they made you what you became. Remember that those who don't learn from their mistakes are bound to repeat them. And think about who you're really hurting during all of this. I'm not addicted to the drama anymore, I'm too old for that crap and so are you. And I'm so tired of putting out fires and picking up the pieces. I meant every word I said to you, good and bad, and you know that the good really was better that you're making it out to be. I don't owe you anything and you don't owe me anything, but we both owe it to someone else to be adults about this. Hitting me to hurt me was something I could take when it was just me you were hurting but I won't do that anymore. And if you consider all of this and charge forward anyway then I'll know that everything I ever liked about you, everything we shared was a lie. And I'm over your lies.
