So, an ex-girlfriend of mine wrote a blog post (see my last post) where she analyzed all of her romantic relationships in depth, using names of course so we could all know what we did wrong. But I can't say I'm upset about it since I also did an exercise like this on the advice of a friend, though I didn't do it online. Besides, I know what I did wrong there and I think she's been way too kind to me in explaining things in her post. There are only two relationships in my life that I regret ever venturing into, though for different reasons. One of those was the relationship I had with this person. It was one of those things that coulda been so much more, if the circumstances had been different. She is the most patient, compassionate person I know. We were acquaintances for a long time, we had friends in common but didn't speak to each other much. Then when my world came down, she showed up at the hospital with gifts and sat down at my bedside and just listened to me for the longest time. No one had been doing that since I'd come out of the coma and I think it was because they were all too close to the situation. I felt better after we talked and we kept in contact in the years that followed and built a good friendship.
We started working on a project together and I noticed that every time we were around each other I would get ridiculously nervous, which was weird for me since I have never in my life been nervous around any woman. So I asked her out, to which her reply was, "You mean, like on a date?" with this huge smile on her face. For awhile, maybe two months or so, it was a hell of a ride, all about romance and surprising each other and I could feel her starting to fall for me. I knew she'd come out of a relationship with a guy nine years her junior who hadn't treated her very well and I swore up and down that I, eight years younger than her, would not be like him. And at any other time in my life, I would have made good on that promise. But I was at the height of my self-destructive behavior and, even though I was making an effort and I was very much into her, I was living a complete lie when we were apart. I felt horrible about it but apparently not enough to stop myself. She's very much about no substances, no excessive alcohol, clean living and I was abusing all of those things behind her back. Soon those things took precedence over our being together and I started to not treat her very well, but she thought I was just hurting from other past stuff (which was also true) so she stayed the course.
We continued on for awhile longer, then one night she told me she loved me and I didn't handle it well. I wanted so badly to tell her those same three words back but I couldn't because it would've been a lie. Still, we toughed it out for another month before I slipped up in trying to keep my double life a secret from her and she got wind of what I was doing. She confronted me and I admitted to everything but tried to minimize how bad the problem really was, but she told me she thought I was lying. I said I'd stop the self-destructive stuff and I really did mean it at the time, but my resolve only lasted a month. I knew better and I knew she would leave when she found out I hadn't curbed my behavior and it was the worst feeling. But it didn't stop me. When she discovered I hadn't changed at all, it led to a huge argument during which she said something that really made me think about what I was doing to myself. That fight turned out to be the thing that started my actual turnaround, though it also marked the end of our romantic relationship.
As with so many other of my relationships during that time, we fell into the habit of hooking up whenever we found ourselves in the same place at the same time. Then she finally did end everything and cut off contact for about a month. As I started to get my life back on track, I examined all of my relationships and realized I missed her a lot, but she stood her ground every time I asked for another chance. We finally had a convo about what the future held for us and she said that she couldn't date me again because if it didn't work out she wouldn't be able to have me in her life at all and she didn't want that. I also think there was just no trust left for us to build any kind of dating relationship. I took her for granted, I hurt her and I had lied to her too much already. She had absolutely no reason to believe that I had changed for good. The only consolation was that we have been able to salvage a great friendship, no weirdness at all anymore, but it certainly wasn't easy.
In response to her blog post and her question of whether or not I consciously stopped myself from falling for her...the answer is no, I didn't. I don't think I was capable of loving anyone at that point. I just needed a security blanket, someone to make me feel not as guilty about what I was doing. But it backfired because I only felt more guilt for deceiving her. For a long time I tried to forget we even had that experience of dating because I was ashamed of how I had treated her. But you gotta live your truth and own up to your faults and your past. My guilt was made worse once I realized that I'd felt safe with her and I felt like I was accepted no matter how bad I f**ked up, yet I still chose to keep everything from her. I guess I still feel some guilt because she's done so much for me and I don't feel like I've even come close to repaying the deed. I know it's not about keeping score, I hate when people do that, but I want her to know how eternally grateful I am that she chose to stick it out with me and that she's even still willing to have me in her life after all that went down. I know not everyone agrees with that decision. Even during the worst of my times, the one thing that's stayed consistent is that I love the people in my life unconditionally and she is one of those people. I can't change what happened and I can't fix what's happening in her life now, but I'm here if she needs to talk it over or vent about it. And I wish she understood what a rare person she is and that the combination of traits she has are not a combo you find very much at all in most people on the planet. She's a much better person than I will ever be. And I know I've said it before but it bears repeating - I'm sorry.
