Expanding on my post from the other day, I got to thinking about those of us who decide it's better that we break from a negative situation and not 'stay together for the kids'. With that decision comes a trip (or more likely several) to family court to work out all matters involving custody. I don't like to use this word but custody truly is a b**ch. I made a comment the other day about how family court is the equivalent of a drive-thru wedding chapel in Vegas. The judge you're assigned who decides your kid's fate being not unlike the Elvis impersonator whose shift it is to pronounce you man and wife; neither knows all that much about you or your situation. Even if your split is amicable, custody is still a nightmare because you're basically watching your child's life be worked out on paper by someone who is basically taking an educated guess at what would be best for them. You're also realizing that it's never gonna be how you thought it would; the two of you watching this mini version of yourselves grow up together in the happily ever after we're all supposed to want.
I am one of of three people I know dealing with custody drama right now, all of whom would rather it be drama-free, the other two being women whose cases are being heard in New York (mine is not in N.Y.). I hear N.Y. is the worst place to deal with divorce or custody issues since they try and force the family thing. What I mean by that is it seems like any biological father, fit or not, can show up in court to try and get custody of his kid and the court is so hellbent on him being in his child's life that they will hear his case. Some people fight custody battles because they want to "win" or because they want to try and get more custody to "punish" the other parent for leaving, cheating, etc. But some just truly want what's best for their child and can act like adults and put their relationship issues aside to work out a plan. So what happens when you have one mature parent and one who only seems to care about winning?
I don't think the nightmare that is custody is only about the parents and their motives. I think the entire family court system is broken. A judge looks at your file for five minutes and tells you to go in a back room and work it out amongst yourselves. Then when you can't, he/she says you just didn't try hard enough and forces you to keep trying thus slowing down all other matters (divorce, relocation plans and such). Yes, ideally, both parents should be involved in their child's life, I don't think many people would disagree with that. But it seems so easy for parents who only want to win to do so and it's almost as if the court system is set up to be their accomplice. Custody battles are like weddings in that you get so caught up in the excitement of it that you forget what comes after it's all over - the hard part. I mean, can you imagine how great it would be if the "win" parents applied as much passion to raising their kids post-battle as they do during the negotiations? Shrinks might go out of business, the kids would grow into such well-rounded adults. In a perfect world, huh? I wish more parents remembered that kids are people, not possessions or prizes to be won.
All that said, I'm on the brink of having to make some concessions on the custody front soon that I don't want to make. I can't help but feel like my hand is being forced solely because the mother of my child didn't like my response to a subject she brought up recently. And I get why she's upset, I probably would be too if I were in her shoes, but I would NEVER take it out on our child. I could spend every hour of every day with that little girl and never get tired of her, so of course I would love to keep things as they are right now. And I know our current agreement was temporary and has lasted longer than it was supposed to and I appreciate that. But I think the only legit reason for her to try and change our agreement so radically would be my being a bad father. And I don't think I am. This thing just gets more f**ked up by the day and I've about had it with her revelations about things she should've told me sooner. I don't like threats and maybe hers are empty and were just hurled in the heat of the moment, but still...It's just drama on top of drama and there's nothing I can do about it right now. So instead I'm gonna try and put it out of my mind for the next month and a half and hope we can work through our issues and just enjoy being with my girl.
