I think it was a week ago (maybe two) when I wrote about my best friend and how we rarely fight. Well, we're experiencing the downside of that whole knowing somebody like you know yourself thing. We had a...let's call it a loud conversation about issues that have been lingering for awhile. I don't know if it was the subject matter or stress in general but we both said things we probably shouldn't have. But...I'm not so sure I shouldn't have said some of the stuff I did and, even though I know I should apologize, I'm grappling with just what I should apologize for.
Years ago one of my friends referred to me as 'adorably dysfunctional' while I was going through a particularly active period of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is a b**ch. It's such a difficult thing to break out of once you settle into it. Part of it is a choice; you know what you're doing, you likely know the outcome will not be good yet you choose to do it anyway. That's how it was for me during the 'dark ages' except I just didn't care that I was doing. Now it's more like I know what I'm doing, I consider it and I'm either able to reel in the impulse to do it at all or I do it anyway and deal with the consequences. But at least I'm more aware than I've ever been of my tendencies and I'm trying to change them. Some people recognize their habit of self-sabotage but have no desire to break the cycle. Or maybe there's a desire but they don't take the initiative. I don't know which one it is but I know that I'm tired of watching the same script play out repeatedly with the only difference being the characters involved. And I'm not sorry that I'm sick of watching it all unfold. But, in the end, people can only help themselves and I can't make the change for her. And I can't apologize or explain myself until she's ready to hear it. And so I wait...
