F--ked Up

So I made a big mistake.

That has wreaked more than a little havoc.

And I feel TERRIBLE.

And it's all my fault.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

And that seriously sucks.

Bloodletting

I was a problem child. Okay, not really. Just an unexpected one who came with a few minor medical problems. My first month was without any major issues but then at three months I ended up in the NICU while they tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I was healthy until age seven when I had to spend an entire day at the children's hospital for tests and I had to fast for an entire day before. I like to eat so this was a form of torture for me. Post-hospital we went out to eat and I finished my dinner in five minutes, then proceeded to eat from my mom's plate. And my grandma's plate. And I stole fries from my brother's plate. I was a little hungry.
Flash forward twenty some odd years later and you'll find me fasting again before going in for tests (though not for that childhood illness, that's been gone for some times). I still like to eat so this is still a form of torture for me. As if that weren't enough I had to get up earlier than any human should to go to the hospital. Did I mention I hate early mornings? So, before I even really was conscious, I was already batting .1000. Then I had to wait 30 minutes before going in for my appointment and the nurse tells me she's going to take "just a bit" of blood before the doctor arrives. I don't like blood and it makes me queasy to see it so I turned my head while she started to tie off my arm. My definition of "a bit" is apparently very different from hers. I swear she took all the blood out of my left arm and then put in an IV (really hate those), which she didn't tell me about beforehand. Eventually I got around to the tests and everything went as well as can be expected. Post-hospital I went out to eat but this time I stuck to my own plate since I was still a little nauseous from the blood thing. I didn't even finish my own plate. But ten minutes ago I felt well enough to down a bag of peanut butter M&M's so I guess I'm on the mend.

3-0

So...it's here. That sounds like a line out of a scary movie, I know. I wouldn't say I've been dreading thirty, though I still refer to myself as "25" (or 25 with a remainder of 5, as my family says). I'm unbelievably happy to have made it out of my twenties, it was iffy there for awhile. Most people I know have freaked out in the days before turning 30. I prepped myself for a freak out for months but then...nothin'. I've been very chilled the past week or so (which is not unusual for me at all really) but that could also be cuz I've had other stuff on my mind.
I mentioned that everyone was encouraging me to do something "big" for my birthday but I couldn't think of anything "big". All the cliche stuff you hear; bungee jumping, sky diving, tattoos, are things I've already done. I understand why people do things like that but, to me, today was just like any other day. I woke up way too early for a Saturday, checked to make sure my daughter's cough is on the mend and met some friends for brunch. I came home without any real plans for the day, other than to watch hockey (4 games on in 1 day, I love the playoffs). That worked out for a few hours before I was "kidnapped" and taken to a friend's house for a mini surprise party. It was totally unexpected but just what I needed. I got to talk to some people I hadn't seen in awhile, eat some kickass food (always befriend people who can cook) and got my favorite red velvet cake (baked by a friend since no one could find an already made one at the store). Then I got to drink and sing along with my favorite songs (no, it wasn't karaoke. I tend to sing at random times a lot, drunk or sober) and...I had a lot of fun. I can't think of anything that could've made my day better. So a big thank you to all the people I love (and who must love me to put up with me) who wished me a Happy Birthday.

I Heard That You're Settled Down...

Someone I was very close to and lingered with for a very long time dropped a bombshell yesterday when she announced she was married. Talk about a shock to the system. I'm not still in love with her, I'm just more surprised about how quickly it happened. Oh and that I knew nothing about this dude til now. Okay, that's kind of a lie. I knew about him but I didn't realize it was that serious. Obviously, I can't help but wonder what it is about this dude that could settle down a commitment-phobe who couldn't stick around when she was with me. On paper, he and I are almost carbon copies of each other. But there has to be something different, right? It's really none of my business, we've chosen not to be a part of each other's lives when we're seeing other people. Although I guess there's no need to set that boundary anymore since she's off the market. Huh...definitely an unexpected turn of events. Wish her nothing but the best though.

Dad

The word, or title I guess, 'Dad' stirs up different feelings for different people. Some instantly smile cuz they had awesome dads, some are angry cuz they had lousy ones, some never got to know their dads cuz they passed away when they were young and some are completely indifferent when they hear that word. I'm in the last category, even more so since he died. I couldn't conjure up any grief for a person I never knew. I didn't even know I was lacking a parent until I was 7 and some kids asked me about my dad. I said I didn't have one and the kid said everybody has one. My mom overheard the entire exchange and the next day took the sibs and I to our favorite park and sat us down and told us about our dad. Actually, she showed us cuz he was a local musician who appeared in some neighborhood papers on a regular basis. I don't remember what I thought or said but I do remember my mom calling him "your dad". In fact, she still calls him that too this day when she talks about him. His death hit her kinda hard, which I get cuz she knew the dude, I didn't. We had some contact with him after she told us about him but on the low cuz we lived with grandma and she hated the man with a passion (I have no idea why but the fact that he was a musician who knocked up her daughter and bailed probably didn't help). But not even a year after it began, the contact stopped and we moved on.
About the time he exited our life, my sister began referring to him as our 'father' (on the rare occasion she talked about him). I didn't talk about him at all, I had nothing to say. My brother would talk to my mom about him sometimes but whatever they got into detail about they've kept it between them, which is fine. I have a friend I've known since age 5 and he grew up without a father. He did very well for himself at a young age and his father heard about it and came crawling outta the woodwork for a handout and I thought that was so sleazy. He should be in your life because he wants to know you, not cuz he wants something from you. I heard some of my family questioning whether they should call my father after my accident but thankfully no one did. Not the best time to enter into my life, when it's hanging by a thread. Later on I was miffed that he didn't make an attempt to send a card or acknowledge what had happened cuz I know he knew about it. But since his death I've just discovered I'm...done. That may sound cold but that's the way it is.
There is a definite difference between a dad and a father, in my opinion. I never had a dad but I had a father. To me, a dad is someone who takes an active role in his kid's life and is there for them through absolutely anything. You can't deny that half of you comes your father, but that doesn't mean you have to turn out like him. And really, if he chooses not to be a part of your life you don't owe him a thing. I had strong male role models who treated me like their own son, which is why I've never longed for that dad and son relationship with my biological father. I know not everyone is that lucky but I still wonder sometimes if some kids aren't better off without their fathers in the picture. I mean, if he doesn't want to be there and doesn't care if he has a relationship with his kid, and the kid wants that relationship with him and is denied, then the big loser is the kid. If the father isn't emotionally invested or interested in being a dad, he has nothing to lose. The alternative of him not being around at all seems harsh but I'm not so sure. Is it worse for a kid to spend their life longing for attention from their father? Or is it worse for them to never know their father at all? You can't miss what you never had. Tough call...

Thoughts While Up All Night With An Unruly Toddler

~ I didn't know the sun came up this early.

~ I don't need this blender/juicer/make my life so much easier machine on this infomercial, but that smoothie looks damn good.

~ I shouldn't have eaten so early, that's probably why I want that smoothie.

~ Seriously, has the sun always come up this early?

~ I thought [insert actor/actress name here] was dead. Huh. Well, he/she looks it.

And yet, I am still alert and able to do what I gotta do today. Not really tired at all. Maybe I am a sleep freak.

The Blindside

The mother of my child has been on me for awhile now to meet her boyfriend so she can introduce him to our daughter. This 'we-get-to-meet-'em-before-they-meet-the-kid' policy was my idea and I can't tell you how happy I am that I thought of it. She has lousy taste in men and, though I used to be sure she wouldn't bring most of them around the kid, I now wonder sometimes about her judgement. Our verbal custody agreement has each of us spending every other week with our daughter and getting one day on each other's weeks to spend with her. When this agreement first kicked into effect, the weeks she wasn't with me were tough and I counted the hours til the "date" night. Now I've settled in and it's not as difficult but it's still a little trying sometimes, especially lately.
Given the kinda rough week I've had, I was looking forward to our date today. And then I was blindsided by my ex. She decided it would be a good idea for our kid, me, her and her boyfriend to have lunch together. The thinking being that he and I meet, plus he meets our daughter all in one shot. Any other day, I probably would've put up more of a fight but I just didn't have the energy today. I HATE being forced into things I don't want to do and I hate when someone keeps pestering me after I've made up my mind about something but I figured I may as well agree to this to get her off my ass. So we're all sitting at lunch, my daughter clearly not feeling the situation, and I don't know that I've ever felt more awkward. Dude speaks broken English and didn't have much to say so it was kinda quiet. My daughter stuck to me like glue the entire (painfully long) hour and he didn't really try to engage her at all. He spoke to me like he had something to prove or like he was intimidated by me in some way. More attitude-y than was necessary. The ex tried to get conversation going but he apparently wasn't interested.
I went in with an open mind, wanting to believe this dude wasn't her typical boy toy (good-looking but empty upstairs and/or an ass). But I was wrong. Same old story there always was with the guys she dates. I didn't get the chance to ask if he likes kids, but I'm thinking 'no' since he didn't even really look at mine. They've been together for some time and he's known from the start that she has a kid but it's like he thinks he can lure her away from parenthood. I definitely sensed there was something not right between her and the boyfriend though. No idea what it is but I told her after lunch that I don't want him around our kid and she, surprisingly, agreed. I think seeing how he interacted (or didn't) with our girl opened her eyes to some other stuff. I also feel like I should've spoken up about how she had us all get together but it really wasn't worth the time. I was having such a good day before lunch and since...*sigh* one of those nights, I guess. But at least now I don't have to worry that she's bringing random guys around our kid.

Easy As 1...2...3...

I have been incredibly blessed in the friends department. Some I've known forever, literally since birth or my first year of school. Others came into my life much later, in high school and in my 20's. Not all are best friends of course and many of us have had break ups and make ups of many kinds. All of my friends know this is a rough month for me but the closest of them know exactly how to try and cheer me up and when I need to be cheered up.Last week wasn't very difficult for me because I threw myself into planning my daughter's party. But since then...it's been touch and go. Last year, April flew by because I had a number of other things going on and was preoccupied. I'd hoped this April would be the same way but that's not turning out to be the case. I can't explain how I feel other than to say it's generally unwell. I space out during the day (something I NEVER do) and I have trouble sleeping at night. It's not the worst thing ever but it's also not a feeling I would wish on anybody. It sucks.
A few days ago a friend I hadn't seen in awhile appeared at my door with plans to take my mind off what's troubling me. Our friendship has always fluctuated between best friends and not speaking and somewhere in between because we've both battled some similar issues and we're very much alike. But out of everyone I know, he's the slickest dude when it comes to trying to get me to talk about stuff. It's very subtle, I don't know how he does it. Sometimes it's annoying as hell cuz before you realize what he's doing, you've already started spilling your guts. But the good thing about all this is that he also knows when to let up. And that was exactly what I needed the other night. The door is still wide open if I feel like talking and he always makes it clear that, should I choose to talk about it, it would never be a burden for him to listen. I know most of my friends feel the same way but I still feel like I'm burdening them sometimes.
Yesterday another friend I hadn't seen in forever (aka Groomzilla) also came around to see how I was doing. He is the complete opposite of Friend #1 in the 'do you wanna talk about it?' department. He doesn't care if you want to talk, he's going to try and make you talk. And it is surprisingly not annoying at all that he does this. It's always the way he's been so maybe I'm just used to it by now. He'll come blowing through and try and force some convos but if you say you don't wanna talk about it, he lets it go. If you say you're 'fine', he pounces and gets on you until you talk about it. He does sound very annoying and pushy and he's a very rough looking dude (tattoos, piercings, crazy hair) but he's one of the nicest people I know. Total pushover who would do anything for anybody.
Tonight I was the one doing the reaching out to Friend #3 (better known on Facebook as my "wife"). I had a very weird feeling about what might or (more likely) might not happen this weekend. It's not a huge deal but, as I tend to do, I freaked out about it. And as she has so many times before, she talked me down. Then she made me laugh. And I feel better now, though still a little unsure. Why she puts up with me, I have no idea but I'm thankful she does. I'm thankful for everybody who chooses to put up with me actually. Cuz I know some days it ain't easy. I'm moody and stubborn and a whole host of other things, probably even more so this time of year. But these people stick around and stick it out and take on all my issues and constantly tell me how much they love me, even when I am not in the mood to hear it. That's important. And rare. And I am a lucky, lucky boy.

Slam A Door, Crack A Window

April sucks. The only good things about this month for me are my daughter's birthday and the start of the NHL's second season. Other than that, there are few positives to this month in my eyes. But rather than focus on how awful I tend to feel this time of year, I've decided to try and thing about this in a different way. (Note the word "try" cuz it ain't easy for me to find the good here). I've killed myself over what I could've done differently, how I could've changed the outcome, etc. and it's done nothing for me. They say if you still think that way more than six months after a loss you're not healing properly. I tacked another six months onto that since I had to recover physically from my accident before I dealt with any emotional stuff. In hindsight that may have been the wrong decision but dealing with it all at once was too overwhelming. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was learn to live without my best friend. I don't romanticize what we had, I remember all the bad stuff too. But so much of who I was going to be was tied up in our relationship. We had plans, we had direction and we had dreams. And then, literally overnight, it was all gone. And figuring out who I was (and who I could be) without all that was terrifying. And all I could think of was, 'How could it just be over? The end. Move on now.'.
Even though I didn't understand it at all, I did move on (in some ways) and a year and change later I met the mother of my child. She was in the middle of a nasty divorce, I was wallowing in my grief, we both had a savior complex. It was a perfect storm of broken people. Things moved fast and before you know it, she's officially divorced and we're making baby plans. Her thought process being, 'I'm not getting any younger and he's a decent guy', while my thinking was, 'What the hell? Might was well have a kid, she'd be a great mother'. Obviously way less than ideal conditions to bring a baby into. Fortunately for all involved, I had a brief moment of clarity shortly after we started trying that led to the end of our time together. But if not for the events of April '02, we probably never would've met, never would've tangled years later and never would've had our beautiful baby girl. And I can't imagine life without her.
If there is anything else good to come out of all that bad, it is that it made me a good father. Not that I think I wouldn't have been good at this parenting biz if not for the negative stuff. But I am much more appreciative of life in general and of the chance to raise a child. I ain't sayin' it's always easy or fun or pretty but a toddler on their worst behaved day is nothing compared to where I've been. And maybe I am more patient because I now know not to sweat the small stuff. We're talking maybe a 5 on a patience scale of 1-100, but that's up from the -50 I used to be on that same scale. So the end of that chapter of my life was traumatic and it sucked and April will likely always suck for me. But the beginning of the next chapter brought me to my daughter. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

"Will You Marry Me?"...Now If You Could Just Sign This...

Pre-Nup. Almost everyone has a reaction to those two words. Some people are vehemently against them because it supposedly shows that you're not in it for love. Others say it's a necessity if you have anything because you need to protect yourself. Suze Orman (oh yes I do watch her but mostly for the 'Can I Afford It?' segment where people call in to ask to buy the most ridiculous things) says that whether or not you have anything you should get one because you never know what wealth you could come into and money corrupts. And she's a millionaire so I'm gonna go with her advice. Face it folks, when you get right down to it, engagement is a verbal agreement and marriage is a contract. If you were signing a contract for anything else you would want some kind of protection, right? This is no different but people don't see it that way because they're blinded by the love angle. But the number one thing that couples fight about is money. Add in a nasty break-up and things can get really ugly. And almost half of people who have one marriage behind them say they would definitely get a pre-nup the second time around.
The first time I ever talked about a pre-nup with anybody was when I became engaged in 2005. The fiancee had a successful career and assets and I hadn't done too bad for myself either. Neither of us were millionaires obviously but people on both of our sides suggested it would be a good idea to protect what we did have. A month before what was supposed to be our wedding we went to see a lawyer to set the whole thing up. It was simple; if there were to be a divorce both parties would exit the marriage with whatever they entered the marriage with. Basically, what was hers was hers and what was mine was mine. There was no drama, no questions about how we really felt (though in hindsight, there shoulda been questions about why we were really getting married). We both understood it was a means of protection and, when you love somebody, you want them to be as protected and safe as possible. If I ever were to venture down the marriage path again I would totally get a pre-nup, especially because I now have a child to protect. But I understand that I'm in an industry where pre-nups are standard and someone outside my industry might not grasp that.
A more simple example of a pre-nupless marriage gone wrong is a member of my extended family. So much was wrong with his relationship with this woman so I'm gonna focus on the marriage part to keep it short. He has a daughter and a step-daughter and his own successful business. She has a son and a huge jealous streak (red flag) and worked as a stripper (I'm not knocking strippers, mind you). His daughter could not stand this woman and the feeling was completely mutual (red flag) but he moved her and her son in anyway. Two months later she's pregnant and they decide to elope. After hearing they got married his parents urge him to get a post-nup to protect both his kids and his business. He brings it up to his new wife and she flat out refuses to sign one (red flag) and threatens to disappear with their child if he tries to force her to sign one. Now they're embroiled in a nasty divorce where she's asking for half of everything he's ever made in his life (she claims it was his idea to get married, so she should get half) and she'll likely get it because they have a child together. They were married a grand total of 2 months.
In the end I guess it depends on the two people involved in the relationship. But I don't think wanting to protect yourself should be taken to mean that you see the marriage ending someday. Everybody knows that half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce but few people go into a marriage hoping it'll go sour and they can cash in. But in the beginning it's all love and butterflies and not being able to wait to share your life together. (Btw, why do people say your life together starts post-marriage? Most people are well into the swing of sharing their lives before they take that walk). Nobody thinks about what could go wrong and how people get greedy and mean at the end of a relationship.

You Say It's Your Birthday...

Little Miss N...we've come a long way together. You are a little firecracker, girl. You want what you want and you don't want to wait for it. And can daddy ever relate. In fact, I've realized this past year just how much alike we are. You're very shy around people you don't know but you're a total goof once you're comfortable. You're a total night owl, you'd stay up until dawn if I let you, but you're also a good sleeper. Once you're out, you are out until the next morning. And you're just a wee bit cranky in the mornings, but then I am too so we tend to just avoid each other until I've had my coffee and you've had your chocolate milk. You're an incredibly imaginative little being, you can have fun with the simplest things and it's amazing to watch. When you commit to doing something, you do it with an unbelievable amount of passion for a 3-year-old. And I'm glad you have that fire cuz I think it's very important and will serve you well down the line.
You are a bit of a mini enigma. You love boy stuff like cars and wrestling but you also love playing with your dolls. You've started to demand I let you dress yourself and that's been an adventure since some days you come out wearing jeans and a t-shirt and other days you wanna rock dresses. But the dress days seem to be losing favor since you can't play in the dirt while wearing them. At the moment there are a lot of things you love but only if they're done/said/read/made in a certain way. (I'd say you're picky but some of my peeps would have a field day with my child being picky).
We had our first bout of the terrible twos during this past year. You're stubborn (family trait, don't try to fight it) and when you want your way, you refuse to settle. But guess what? You had to learn to settle cuz daddy stood his ground and wouldn't give into your demands (haha, I'm stubborn...er than you). Someday you'll be thankful that I don't let you have your way every single time. But you hate me with such passion when I deny you something now that I can't help but laugh just thinking about it. We worked through the terrible twos together in a way; I let you scream out your frustrations til you tired yourself out and then you let me sleep in the next morning. It was a surprisingly effective method (thank your grandma for it). You get cranky sometimes but you no longer fight me on the big stuff and we're both happier for it.
Lately your favorite thing to do is talk. Girl, do you ever TALK. But I love the sound of your little voice. I love our "dates" at Starbucks where you just have entire conversations with yourself and I feel privileged to be able to listen in. I love our dinners and contests to see who can color the better place mat (and you are undefeated, kid). The biggest similarity between us is that you are most definitely a thinker. Whether we're at a museum or a zoo or the grocery store, you ask questions and you take in the answers and study them and sit with them for the longest time. But eventually you color up a storm and get it all out. Or, much like me, you use music as your outlet. You bang on the piano keys or your drum when you're frustrated. But once that's done, you're back to your normal, happy self. And am I ever thrilled to be blessed enough to get to share in your little world. You are by far the best thing to ever happen to me and I am already so proud of you and love you more than I could ever describe (but that won't stop me from tackling you and smothering you in hugs anyway). I hope I can make you proud and that 15 hopefully long (but most likely for me, painfully short) years down the line, you can look back and think I was a good dad.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!

Breaking The Cycle

I've been accused in past relationships of being overly sensitive which I think has screwed up how I handle some things. I don't consider that to be a flaw at all and I'm not looking to change it. I'd rather feel too much than not feel enough. It's not like I cry at Hallmark commercials or something. I'm talking more about my taking a comment or criticism too personally (supposedly). It doesn't happen as often as it used to cuz honestly I just don't care as much as I used to. But recently I've discovered another side effect of this sensitivity business. I've never been one to get really down over someone else's plight. I can empathize but then I move on. But the past year or so, that has completely changed. Now hearing stories about earthquakes in Japan and people losing family members in tragic accidents kinda eat at me. But here's the thing, it's only certain people and events that do that to me. Sometimes it goes deeper and I get angry about stuff. That's what motivated me to help out in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. These people were getting NO help from their own government, yet the government was patting themselves on the back for a job well done. That pissed me off so I turned my anger into something better and helped build houses (which I still do when I get the chance, it's been a wonderful experience).
But not everything that affects me in this way can be helped or changed. You can't change people's pasts, no matter how much you might want to. I had an awesome childhood and sometimes I forget how lucky I was until I hear others talk about their rough upbringings. Just hearing what some people had to go through as kids pisses me off. That's the one time you're supposed to be protected and loved and carefree and have parents who would do anything for you. In a perfect world. Inevitably that kind of upbringing affects you in some way. I've thought about that a lot lately. Maybe it's pointless to think about it so much or let it piss me off, what's done is done, but I can't help it. I don't like when the people I care about get hurt, past or present. Even if they've dealt or are dealing with it, that doesn't make it right. Some things never change, I've always been very protective of the people I love.
Growing up I witnessed firsthand what a bad family environment is. The woman I considered my aunt who died on Christmas Eve was a mother of four. She also had drug problems and an abusive husband. Her own upbringing was the stuff you see in movies, the youngest of four girls whose father doted on them but did not spoil them and a mother who was incredibly strong and giving. Unfortunately she did not continue the stable environment with her own family. Her two oldest kids were taken away and put in a foster home after she was arrested for drugs and sent to jail. They were abused while in the foster home and custody was given back to their mother after she got clean. Dad was in and out of jail yet they managed to have two more kids, one born addicted to crack. I was 10 when I met these kids for the first time, they were ages 7 months to 7-years-old. I remember holding the youngest one for the first time when the car we were in got stuck in the snow. I remember teaching he and his older sister their alphabet and colors. A few years after we met their dad got sent up for a long stretch of time and mom took up with another guy. He was the nicest dude 75% of the time; played with the kids, treated mom well, but that other 25% was awful. I don't know if he hit her but I know he hit the kids and she just let it happen.
The situation sucked but I was a kid and there was nothing I could do. It sucks even more now to realize that you still can't do anything sometimes. You get the family you get. Those kids of course grew up to find themselves in self-destructive relationships and none have found their footing. If they don't break the cycle, which is unlikely, their kids will continue the negativity that's happening now. And three of the four (none over age 21, the youngest 15) already have kids. Yet others who have terrible upbringings rise above and become amazing parents committed to giving their kids everything they didn't get but wish they had. I hope in the long run their kids appreciate that and realize what it took for their parent to be able to do that for them. They broke the cycle and I can't imagine how difficult an upbringing like that was.

T-Minus 15 Days and Counting

My daughter turns 3 this week and I waited til the very last possible minute to plan her birthday party. Now that the planning is almost done, people have turned their attention to me and my sister. We turn 30 in exactly 15 days. Neither of us is referring to it as 30, of course. We're gonna be "25" in our own minds. My mom was "26" from the time we were 8 until she turned 50, at which point she decided she should age up to "29" to stay slightly older than her kids. Everybody keeps asking us if we're gonna do anything big to celebrate this occasion. I don't even know what "anything big" means. Half of my friends also turn 30 this year, the other half are already into their 30's. One friend who hit the big 3-0 last month had a very low key celebration, prompting my smartass to joke that he was getting boring in his old age. Until he reminded me I was soon to join him in that 3X hood (credit for the 3X comment to another friend).
I've had a weird journey towards age 30. First I ignored it completely, then I realized it was only six months away and after the year turned over I accepted it was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. So now I am oddly at peace with it all. Age is a number and my number will be 30 in two weeks. And that's okay. It is weird how a number changes people's view though, as if 29 is so much younger than 30. I've never celebrated birthdays in a really big way as it is (except as a kid) so I don't expect to do anything major for this one. It'll come and go like any other day, my sister and I will wish each other 'Happy Birthday' like we do every year, and life will go on. I have absolutely no expectations about my thirties, I only hope they are calmer than my twenties have been. It's funny though, I remember as a kid thinking that 15 was so old and I couldn't wait to get there. Then I couldn't wait to turn 21 (be careful what you wish for, worst year of my life). Once upon a time 30 seemed so old. But now I'd even consider 40 to be young, if only cuz I'm a decade away from that number (god willing).

2+3 = 5 = RESTLESTNESS = F**ked.

I wouldn't call myself a devotee of numerology at all. The only reason I know what I do about it is that a very close friend used to be into it. One thing that struck me as soon as I heard it though was that those born under the number 5 tend to be restless souls (I was born on the 23rd, hence 2+3 = 5). I'm not sure why it hit me so hard since, at the time (think pre-accident) I didn't think I had a problem with restlessness. I didn't realize until later on that I have always been one of those restless souls and it's rarely been for the better. It just became more obvious post-accident because I let it get out of hand. My old relationship pattern was this: Meet, instant infatuation (sometimes, other times it was just plain ol' lust), rush into the sexual part, feel the magic and newness of it all starting to fade and start to tune out, which usually led to her walking away. If she didn't walk away and clung to whatever was left, I switched over to apathy mode and she saw how cold I could be when I wanted and then called it quits. Over and over and over again, the very definition of insanity. It's not just in relationships either. I get restless in just about every area of life I can think of. Sometimes it's pointless little stuff like being completely devoted to one particular item for breakfast, eating it every single morning for a month or two and then casting it aside for good. An even better example would be my recent rediscovery of the kazoo. It was all I talked about for a month and now I haven't even looked at it in forever. The one thing that terrifies me about this parenthood gig is that I'll get restless in it. I know I can't do that and that is one area where I'll do my damndest to not let it happen.
I'm thinking that my being a Taurus probably does not help out this whole restlessness/casting stuff aside when it bores me thing. By nature I'm stubborn and I can settle easily into a routine. It's like all of that combined creates the perfect storm and makes it tough to change. Going over my past relationships in my head the other night (cuz that'll help those sleepless nights, right?), I realized that I've only ever not been bored in one of them. And that was, of course, the first one. Maybe I was just less set in my ways then. But I think it was more because she and I were alike in one key way - unpredictability. We constantly threw each other curve balls because that's just the way we were wired and it kept me engaged in the relationship and always looking forward to the next act. And it's weird to think about now cuz we knew each other SO well that it made no sense for that to be the one relationship that kept me completely enthralled. Sadly it's probably the only one where I didn't fall into my usual relationship pattern. It's like we stalled in the infatuation phase and maybe part of the reason we did is because we fell into a pattern of break-ups and make-ups, also not healthy.
I try not to over think this particular flaw too much but a friend raised some pretty good questions about why it seems to be this way for me. And I had no answer for her. All of her suggestions; I'm afraid to get hurt (uh...yeah), I've given up (uh...I hope not), I'm afraid I'll hurt the other person (uh...hell yeah) were all very good points. But I guess the one that sticks out to me now is that I'm afraid I'll screw it up. Like seriously afraid I'll screw it up and I'll hurt someone. I don't know if it's a sensitivity issue or that ever-present perfectionist streak that still lingers in me but for some reason hurting other people kills me. Kinda irks me to think about how many people have been left in the dust of my restlessness and self-sabotage. For the longest time, if it wasn't broke then I'd find a way to break it and convince myself I was the only one getting hurt. Maybe it took having a kid to snap me back to the reality of my hurting people being what I'm still best at.
I'm not blind to the fact that this is my problem and has nothing to do with the women I've dated. If I feel myself getting too deep into something I pick a flaw, either with the relationship or in the person, that I convince myself I can't live with and I use that to start pulling away. Give me the most gorgeous, funny, smart, amazing woman on earth and I will find a flaw. I don't like that about myself. And I'm really trying to curb it because everyone has flaws. I'm not anywhere near perfect so I shouldn't expect perfection from anyone else. And I don't think I do anymore. It just kinda bugs me as to what it is that's mentally blocking me from just curbing my restlessness. Is it a personality flaw I'm doomed to live with? Is it just pure stubbornness? A general unwillingness to change? Wish I knew.

Wednesday Night Lights Out

As I start this post it is 11:45 PM on a Wednesday and my laptop battery (which does not have near the amount of time the box said it would on it) is at 47%. That may or may not be enough juice to finish this post. We will see. Why can't I plug myself in and type away, you ask? Because we have no power. It rained the tiniest bit three hours ago, there was one bolt of lightning and now there is no power. And of course no explanation as to why from the power company. Entering hour three of powerlessness has brought on some interesting feelings. I should clarify that my companions during these dark times are my sister, her partner (and one of my best friends), my 11-year-old niece, 8-year-old nephew, 3-year-old nephew, my crazy aunt (ya'll remember her from Christmas, I'm sure) and my mom. My daughter passed out a long time ago, everyone else is still kickin'. This all began as an 'oh, it'll kick back on in a half hour' situation but that is obviously not the case.
Crazy aunt has taken the reigns during this forced family time. She's asked both my sister and I about our future baby plans and then went into a detailed mini-rant about why I should have more kids. Right on cue my daughter comes wandering into the room, she overheard all the laughing and goofing off and it woke her up. My aunt gets her worked into a frenzy about helping to bake her "monkey cake" on Thursday and suddenly she's wide awake. Everyone was still wired so we found ways to pass the time. Don't ask me how I know, but if you ever wanna sing and dance with accompanying strobe lights, the iPhone has an app for that. And such behavior is endlessly fascinating to the toddler set. Then I put on my Oldies playlist on my iPod (the only playlist everyone could agree on) and I started changing the words to some songs, as I often do. Making every song reference a monkey in some way amused my daughter to no end (total dad moment here, but that laugh is adorable). Finally at 2 AM the power kicks back on as I'm using my sister's laptop to watch hockey highlights with my daughter (that's right, my girl loves hockey already). Eventually everyone settled and went to bed but it was a fun night. Maybe I won't think that once I get up in the morning and have to get into the mad dash to finish all this birthday party planning. But that's tomorrow (or later today's) problem.

(Finished at 3:45 AM cuz I did indeed have to plug in the laptop)

Jerk Chicken

Some time ago I dated a hardcore Christian. Honestly, that was the biggest part of the attraction. She was a "good girl" who wouldn't give me the time of day because she knew the kind of guy I was (at that time). But I wore her down and convinced her to go out with me. Disaster from the start. She still lived with her parents who despised me the second they laid eyes on me. We really should have never been in any kind of relationship but she kept forcing it and I kept giving in. I broke up with her but she didn't get that's what I was doing and kept coming around. I told her I didn't see us going anywhere long-term. No response. So I tried telling her a version of the truth which was that I was f**ked up and she could do much better. She took that to mean I wanted her to save me. Nothing would send this chick away from me and I was telling a friend I'd tried everything to no avail. Her advice was simple, "Be a jerk". Okay, seems easy enough. I know I can be a bastard when I really want or need to. So I get myself all ready to be mean and set things in motion by ignoring her attempts to contact me for a few days. I storm up to her parents' door with my mind set on being the biggest ass I can be. But just before I knock I realize I have no clue what to say. I wanted out but I couldn't find it in myself to be intentionally mean to this girl.
I marched myself back home and started thinking about why I couldn't be mean. Then I realized up until that point I had been a total chicken about ending things. I mean, I had said it was over and stuff but I hadn't done it with any kind of authority. It was the oddest feeling, all at once I didn't want to hurt her but then I did want to. So finally I decided I needed to commit to the cause and I stopped all communication. She didn't get the message, she kept trying to get to me and then showed up at my work. I wasn't gonna be mean but then she started talking about "saving" me and all that crap and I flat out told her we were done. Don't contact me, don't contact my friends, don't even think of me anymore. That did it, I never heard from her again. Years later I tried to apologize for being a jerk cuz I did feel bad but she wouldn't take my call. Can't say I blame her but she left me little choice.
I know it's not really a flaw but I wonder why I can't be a jerk on command. It would certainly come in handy sometimes. So many people seem to be able to summon that gear of attitude and rudeness anytime they want but I just can't do it. I don't like being intentionally mean to anybody. If I am, I feel terrible for days afterward. Same with hurting somebody's feelings. I say some stuff without thinking, other stuff I say after having thought about it and deciding it's not hurtful. And I'm wrong. And when either of those happens, I'm very hard on myself about having screwed up and upset that I hurt another person. I know all that is good but sometimes in life you do just have to get mean and I seem to lack that ability. At the same time, I don't want my daughter to grow up to be one of those people who can switch into that gear so easily. I'd rather she be a chicken (just like her daddy) than a jerk.

The Eyes Have It

I've mentioned I'm on an online dating site before. It has you list all your basic info (height, age, etc.) and post your pictures like any other site of its kind. It also lists your ethnic background, though gives you a limited number of options to choose from (ie. no option for mixed folks). My father was Mexican, my mother is half Mexican and the other half is comprised of French, Cherokee, Irish, Scottish, and German ancestry. As a result of this awesome mix I am a dark-skinned Latino dude with green eyes. So naturally I listed myself as Latino but that's had an unexpected effect in that a number of messages I get ask me to elaborate on my background. It's one thing to ask that after we've established some sort of conversation and I'm comfortable but it's another when the question is posed in the very first message or if it seems like the only reason you sent the message is cuz you wanted an answer to that question. And half of them, college educated people, can't even ask right. They ask what my 'nationality' is.
I talked all this out with a friend who basically confirmed what I already knew, which is that if my eyes were brown I wouldn't be getting these kind of messages. Brown eyes are of course more traditionally Latino than green or blue eyes, at least that's what people think of here in the States. I know a part of it is narrow-mindedness over color. My mom looks like a total white chick, you wouldn't guess she was half Mexican or that we were even related. As kids she often got questions about my sister and I, who both have green eyes and are dark-skinned, and whether or not we were adopted. She never answered cuz it's nobody's business to begin with and she figured it would be a non-factor when we got older. (Ironically, people always assumed my brother (lighter skin, brown eyes) was her biological kid when in fact they're not blood related.) We went to a predominately Latino elementary school and I remember being teased in third grade because the kids didn't believe I was Latino. I couldn't be if I had green eyes, right? It bothered me for a few months but then my grandma gave the most awesomest lecture about there being nothing wrong with me and my uncle threatened to go beat up the kids who made fun of me. After that I stopped thinking of myself as being different at all and I ignored those kids.
All my life I've gotten comments about my eyes, which I don't mind when they're genuine compliments and not leading into questions about where I got them. My daughter's eyes are blue-ish green and she has dark skin and I hope she never has to deal with being harassed about it. Attitudes today about race are still not where they should be in my opinion, but I have noticed they're further along than when I was her age. Skin color is just that, a color and you can't change it and you shouldn't want to cuz you are born the way you're meant to be. I think I read somewhere that everyone will be mixed by 2044 and I think that is awesome. But I hope it doesn't take that long for people to recognize that just because you don't look a certain way, you can't be of a specific background.

The Case For Love v. In Love

I have a friend who I have known for nearly a decade. We met in college and instantly became friends, though I never thought of us as being anything more. Over the past few years she's dropped hints about how she'd like to take things to another level but they were always very subtle. I'm sure I missed the first handful of hints she dropped before I caught on to these ones. I ignored them and figured she'd get over it and it was just a crush type thing. But since I became a single lad again she's started dropping more frequent and much more obvious hints about how she feels about me. Again, I found ignorance to be the best solution to this problem. So finally she tells me that she has another dude interested in her but she hasn't done anything with him because she loves me. I asked her to take some time to really think about that word, "love" and then we'd talk later. Wouldn't ya know, she realized she loves me but that she's not in love with me. Which is what I thought in the first place.
This whole exchange got me thinking about loving someone versus being in love with someone. It seems like it should be a very clear thing, right? But it seems like way too often people can confuse the two. I've definitely been guilty of thinking I was in love when I really wasn't but that's different cuz I didn't even love those people. I don't think I've ever confused loving someone as being in love with them. It amazes me that some people think there is no difference between the two, love is love. And I kinda agree with that, I guess. But not really. I can honestly say I love every single one of my friends. I love my family. I've loved a lot of people in my life. But I've only been in love twice. I shouldn't say "only" cuz some people never fall in love once. But I think most of us want that one that sticks and lasts for good. Lasts through everything. Yeah, that's what the people want (me included).
How do you know you're in love versus loving someone? I think the first time I fell I was too young to really appreciate it. I didn't know what I know now. The second time I couldn't really let myself fall completely because she wasn't fully in it like I was, she was a commitment phobe. Being in love is like being drugged. You can't wait to see or talk to that person, you do romantic stuff cuz you can't help yourself. Best feeling in the world I think. Maybe the third time will be the charm for me. I know that it'll definitely be the best go round yet cuz I'm much more appreciative now of that feeling. Will it last forever? Who knows. I'm not sure anything lasts forever anymore, I don't know that anyone could put up with me that long. And if it's not meant to be a third time, that's fine too. I think you should be thankful if you fall once and hopeful that you'll fall again. So that's where I am now.