The word, or title I guess, 'Dad' stirs up different feelings for different people. Some instantly smile cuz they had awesome dads, some are angry cuz they had lousy ones, some never got to know their dads cuz they passed away when they were young and some are completely indifferent when they hear that word. I'm in the last category, even more so since he died. I couldn't conjure up any grief for a person I never knew. I didn't even know I was lacking a parent until I was 7 and some kids asked me about my dad. I said I didn't have one and the kid said everybody has one. My mom overheard the entire exchange and the next day took the sibs and I to our favorite park and sat us down and told us about our dad. Actually, she showed us cuz he was a local musician who appeared in some neighborhood papers on a regular basis. I don't remember what I thought or said but I do remember my mom calling him "your dad". In fact, she still calls him that too this day when she talks about him. His death hit her kinda hard, which I get cuz she knew the dude, I didn't. We had some contact with him after she told us about him but on the low cuz we lived with grandma and she hated the man with a passion (I have no idea why but the fact that he was a musician who knocked up her daughter and bailed probably didn't help). But not even a year after it began, the contact stopped and we moved on.
About the time he exited our life, my sister began referring to him as our 'father' (on the rare occasion she talked about him). I didn't talk about him at all, I had nothing to say. My brother would talk to my mom about him sometimes but whatever they got into detail about they've kept it between them, which is fine. I have a friend I've known since age 5 and he grew up without a father. He did very well for himself at a young age and his father heard about it and came crawling outta the woodwork for a handout and I thought that was so sleazy. He should be in your life because he wants to know you, not cuz he wants something from you. I heard some of my family questioning whether they should call my father after my accident but thankfully no one did. Not the best time to enter into my life, when it's hanging by a thread. Later on I was miffed that he didn't make an attempt to send a card or acknowledge what had happened cuz I know he knew about it. But since his death I've just discovered I'm...done. That may sound cold but that's the way it is.
There is a definite difference between a dad and a father, in my opinion. I never had a dad but I had a father. To me, a dad is someone who takes an active role in his kid's life and is there for them through absolutely anything. You can't deny that half of you comes your father, but that doesn't mean you have to turn out like him. And really, if he chooses not to be a part of your life you don't owe him a thing. I had strong male role models who treated me like their own son, which is why I've never longed for that dad and son relationship with my biological father. I know not everyone is that lucky but I still wonder sometimes if some kids aren't better off without their fathers in the picture. I mean, if he doesn't want to be there and doesn't care if he has a relationship with his kid, and the kid wants that relationship with him and is denied, then the big loser is the kid. If the father isn't emotionally invested or interested in being a dad, he has nothing to lose. The alternative of him not being around at all seems harsh but I'm not so sure. Is it worse for a kid to spend their life longing for attention from their father? Or is it worse for them to never know their father at all? You can't miss what you never had. Tough call...
