I wouldn't call myself a devotee of numerology at all. The only reason I know what I do about it is that a very close friend used to be into it. One thing that struck me as soon as I heard it though was that those born under the number 5 tend to be restless souls (I was born on the 23rd, hence 2+3 = 5). I'm not sure why it hit me so hard since, at the time (think pre-accident) I didn't think I had a problem with restlessness. I didn't realize until later on that I have always been one of those restless souls and it's rarely been for the better. It just became more obvious post-accident because I let it get out of hand. My old relationship pattern was this: Meet, instant infatuation (sometimes, other times it was just plain ol' lust), rush into the sexual part, feel the magic and newness of it all starting to fade and start to tune out, which usually led to her walking away. If she didn't walk away and clung to whatever was left, I switched over to apathy mode and she saw how cold I could be when I wanted and then called it quits. Over and over and over again, the very definition of insanity. It's not just in relationships either. I get restless in just about every area of life I can think of. Sometimes it's pointless little stuff like being completely devoted to one particular item for breakfast, eating it every single morning for a month or two and then casting it aside for good. An even better example would be my recent rediscovery of the kazoo. It was all I talked about for a month and now I haven't even looked at it in forever. The one thing that terrifies me about this parenthood gig is that I'll get restless in it. I know I can't do that and that is one area where I'll do my damndest to not let it happen.
I'm thinking that my being a Taurus probably does not help out this whole restlessness/casting stuff aside when it bores me thing. By nature I'm stubborn and I can settle easily into a routine. It's like all of that combined creates the perfect storm and makes it tough to change. Going over my past relationships in my head the other night (cuz that'll help those sleepless nights, right?), I realized that I've only ever not been bored in one of them. And that was, of course, the first one. Maybe I was just less set in my ways then. But I think it was more because she and I were alike in one key way - unpredictability. We constantly threw each other curve balls because that's just the way we were wired and it kept me engaged in the relationship and always looking forward to the next act. And it's weird to think about now cuz we knew each other SO well that it made no sense for that to be the one relationship that kept me completely enthralled. Sadly it's probably the only one where I didn't fall into my usual relationship pattern. It's like we stalled in the infatuation phase and maybe part of the reason we did is because we fell into a pattern of break-ups and make-ups, also not healthy.
I try not to over think this particular flaw too much but a friend raised some pretty good questions about why it seems to be this way for me. And I had no answer for her. All of her suggestions; I'm afraid to get hurt (uh...yeah), I've given up (uh...I hope not), I'm afraid I'll hurt the other person (uh...hell yeah) were all very good points. But I guess the one that sticks out to me now is that I'm afraid I'll screw it up. Like seriously afraid I'll screw it up and I'll hurt someone. I don't know if it's a sensitivity issue or that ever-present perfectionist streak that still lingers in me but for some reason hurting other people kills me. Kinda irks me to think about how many people have been left in the dust of my restlessness and self-sabotage. For the longest time, if it wasn't broke then I'd find a way to break it and convince myself I was the only one getting hurt. Maybe it took having a kid to snap me back to the reality of my hurting people being what I'm still best at.
I'm not blind to the fact that this is my problem and has nothing to do with the women I've dated. If I feel myself getting too deep into something I pick a flaw, either with the relationship or in the person, that I convince myself I can't live with and I use that to start pulling away. Give me the most gorgeous, funny, smart, amazing woman on earth and I will find a flaw. I don't like that about myself. And I'm really trying to curb it because everyone has flaws. I'm not anywhere near perfect so I shouldn't expect perfection from anyone else. And I don't think I do anymore. It just kinda bugs me as to what it is that's mentally blocking me from just curbing my restlessness. Is it a personality flaw I'm doomed to live with? Is it just pure stubbornness? A general unwillingness to change? Wish I knew.
