Some time ago I dated a hardcore Christian. Honestly, that was the biggest part of the attraction. She was a "good girl" who wouldn't give me the time of day because she knew the kind of guy I was (at that time). But I wore her down and convinced her to go out with me. Disaster from the start. She still lived with her parents who despised me the second they laid eyes on me. We really should have never been in any kind of relationship but she kept forcing it and I kept giving in. I broke up with her but she didn't get that's what I was doing and kept coming around. I told her I didn't see us going anywhere long-term. No response. So I tried telling her a version of the truth which was that I was f**ked up and she could do much better. She took that to mean I wanted her to save me. Nothing would send this chick away from me and I was telling a friend I'd tried everything to no avail. Her advice was simple, "Be a jerk". Okay, seems easy enough. I know I can be a bastard when I really want or need to. So I get myself all ready to be mean and set things in motion by ignoring her attempts to contact me for a few days. I storm up to her parents' door with my mind set on being the biggest ass I can be. But just before I knock I realize I have no clue what to say. I wanted out but I couldn't find it in myself to be intentionally mean to this girl.
I marched myself back home and started thinking about why I couldn't be mean. Then I realized up until that point I had been a total chicken about ending things. I mean, I had said it was over and stuff but I hadn't done it with any kind of authority. It was the oddest feeling, all at once I didn't want to hurt her but then I did want to. So finally I decided I needed to commit to the cause and I stopped all communication. She didn't get the message, she kept trying to get to me and then showed up at my work. I wasn't gonna be mean but then she started talking about "saving" me and all that crap and I flat out told her we were done. Don't contact me, don't contact my friends, don't even think of me anymore. That did it, I never heard from her again. Years later I tried to apologize for being a jerk cuz I did feel bad but she wouldn't take my call. Can't say I blame her but she left me little choice.
I know it's not really a flaw but I wonder why I can't be a jerk on command. It would certainly come in handy sometimes. So many people seem to be able to summon that gear of attitude and rudeness anytime they want but I just can't do it. I don't like being intentionally mean to anybody. If I am, I feel terrible for days afterward. Same with hurting somebody's feelings. I say some stuff without thinking, other stuff I say after having thought about it and deciding it's not hurtful. And I'm wrong. And when either of those happens, I'm very hard on myself about having screwed up and upset that I hurt another person. I know all that is good but sometimes in life you do just have to get mean and I seem to lack that ability. At the same time, I don't want my daughter to grow up to be one of those people who can switch into that gear so easily. I'd rather she be a chicken (just like her daddy) than a jerk.
