"How Can I Be Sure" - The Rascals
"All I Want" -Toad The Wet Sprocket
"If I Fell" - The Beatles
"Hopeless" - KT Tunstall
"Alone" - Heart
"Damaged" - TLC
"Come On Get Higher" - Matt Nathanson
"Friday I'm In Love" - The Cure
"Maybe I'm Amazed" - Paul McCartney
"Hey Soul Sister" - Train
"Come To My Window" - Melissa Etheridge
"Another Night" - Real McCoy
"Happy Together" - The Turtles
"Won't Do That" - Robbie Williams
"Can You Stand The Rain" - New Edition
"You Give Me Something" - James Morrison
"For The Longest Time" - Billy Joel
"I Am A Rock" - Simon & Garfunkel
"Suspended" - Matt Nathanson
"Iris" - Goo Goo Dolls
"The Way You Make Me Feel" - MJ
"What's Love Got To Do With It" - Tina Turner
"There's A Kind Of Hush" - Herman's Hermits
"You Got It All" - The Jets
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Because My Hand Thinks I'm An Artist, But My Heart Knows I'm A Poet
Wow. So my new found resolve and sunny disposition lasted a full...maybe 8 hours. Tossed by the wayside in record time. I hate feeling the way I do right now and I know getting it out won't help me this time but I have to get it out anyway.
Writing is my outlet. I write every single day, whether it's a couple of lines or five pages. If something pops into my head that I need to get down I stop whatever I'm doing and I write. When life gets overwhelming, I write. Most of my posts (including this one) start out in one of my many notebooks and they might have always stayed there if not for the invention of the blog. Curiously, I've never been able to keep an actual old school journal. I've started many over the years but always either got bored with them or wrote in so many different notebooks that I couldn't keep my entries in order. Enter my first ever blog when I was in college. I read back some of what I wrote back then and it's all terrible. Just pointless little college kid banter. But it was the first time I was ever able to actually keep a journal for more than a month. Then life moved on and I stopped blogging and went back to my stack of notebooks. "This newfangled blogging thing won't catch on, it's just a phase," I said (that's right, I say 'newfangled' as if I'm an old man).
By 2007 life had moved on to a very bad place and a friend suggested I start a new blog as a way of venting when I was upset. By then I was willing to do anything to try and shake my self-destructive tendencies and thus a blog was born. And I genuinely enjoy writing here and it really is the best outlet I have. It's a place where I can go and get out everything and anything I'm feeling and there's no judgement or criticism. My blog is public and honestly I have no idea who reads it but I don't care. I've realized the reason I could never stick to a traditional journal is because it wasn't enough to just get it out on paper. I needed more. It's liberating in some way to put it all out there to the universe and let whomever stumbles upon these pages read them. I'm not writing words in a notebook and setting it aside on a shelf to collect dust. I'm getting everything completely out now. I've always believed that words are meant to be read.
Having said all that, words are also my downfall sometimes. I wrote a letter to someone I care about and sat with it for awhile. Then I sent it on, words are meant to be read after all, and they read it and I felt good about it. But later on we talked about what I'd written and I was a little thrown by some of the reaction I received. I also may have misinterpreted some of what they were trying to say and I internalized my feelings about it and the conversation spiraled to a negative place. I am my harshest critic when it comes to...well, everything really but I can be especially self-conscious about my writing. Writing here for the world (or, let's be honest, probably about five people) to see is different cuz I'm not actually writing to anyone. But writing how you feel about someone and knowing they're gonna read every word puts you in a VERY vulnerable position. So at the first sign of a possibly bad reaction I retreated and closed off and away went my openness. For the past hour or so I've felt sick about my vulnerability in that letter. I've felt awkward and weird about how things may be between the sendee and I in the morning (I still do). But now I also feel bad about having lost the openness I was so excited to have re-acquainted myself with today.
Writing is my outlet. I write every single day, whether it's a couple of lines or five pages. If something pops into my head that I need to get down I stop whatever I'm doing and I write. When life gets overwhelming, I write. Most of my posts (including this one) start out in one of my many notebooks and they might have always stayed there if not for the invention of the blog. Curiously, I've never been able to keep an actual old school journal. I've started many over the years but always either got bored with them or wrote in so many different notebooks that I couldn't keep my entries in order. Enter my first ever blog when I was in college. I read back some of what I wrote back then and it's all terrible. Just pointless little college kid banter. But it was the first time I was ever able to actually keep a journal for more than a month. Then life moved on and I stopped blogging and went back to my stack of notebooks. "This newfangled blogging thing won't catch on, it's just a phase," I said (that's right, I say 'newfangled' as if I'm an old man).
By 2007 life had moved on to a very bad place and a friend suggested I start a new blog as a way of venting when I was upset. By then I was willing to do anything to try and shake my self-destructive tendencies and thus a blog was born. And I genuinely enjoy writing here and it really is the best outlet I have. It's a place where I can go and get out everything and anything I'm feeling and there's no judgement or criticism. My blog is public and honestly I have no idea who reads it but I don't care. I've realized the reason I could never stick to a traditional journal is because it wasn't enough to just get it out on paper. I needed more. It's liberating in some way to put it all out there to the universe and let whomever stumbles upon these pages read them. I'm not writing words in a notebook and setting it aside on a shelf to collect dust. I'm getting everything completely out now. I've always believed that words are meant to be read.
Having said all that, words are also my downfall sometimes. I wrote a letter to someone I care about and sat with it for awhile. Then I sent it on, words are meant to be read after all, and they read it and I felt good about it. But later on we talked about what I'd written and I was a little thrown by some of the reaction I received. I also may have misinterpreted some of what they were trying to say and I internalized my feelings about it and the conversation spiraled to a negative place. I am my harshest critic when it comes to...well, everything really but I can be especially self-conscious about my writing. Writing here for the world (or, let's be honest, probably about five people) to see is different cuz I'm not actually writing to anyone. But writing how you feel about someone and knowing they're gonna read every word puts you in a VERY vulnerable position. So at the first sign of a possibly bad reaction I retreated and closed off and away went my openness. For the past hour or so I've felt sick about my vulnerability in that letter. I've felt awkward and weird about how things may be between the sendee and I in the morning (I still do). But now I also feel bad about having lost the openness I was so excited to have re-acquainted myself with today.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Feel Good About The Good Things, Feel Bad About The Bad Things
This may be my new favorite motto. Bad things in life are inevitable but you can't dwell on them or they just keep bringing you down. And I know I've been guilty of not embracing the good things as much as I should. A few nights ago my best friend's mother passed away. It was expected but that didn't make the news any less crushing. Since then things have been very out of body experience for me. It's so weird to think someone who was such a part of my life and especially my youth is no longer here. Getting that news was terrible and I'll never forget how I felt the moment I heard it. But I'm trying not to dwell on it because it was a bad thing. A VERY bad thing, obviously. Today was a get together to celebrate her life and trade some stories. And that was actually a good thing because it was more upbeat than depressing. I think we all needed that after a hellish week. And I feel good about today. It's not over yet but it's been a pretty good day so far. Certainly better than I thought it would be when I woke up this morning. So this is what I'm gonna do now. Try and embrace as much of the good as I can and always say how I feel when I feel it and not after the fact. I was in a very open and loving mood yesterday and I really liked how it made me feel. And if something sucks or I have a bad day, I'm not gonna stew about it, cuz that doesn't help anyone. I don't know...I feel different today than I felt a day ago and I'm not sure why that is. It could have nothing to do with my being more open. We shall see where this leads I guess.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Brother's Keeper
My brother is selfish. My brother likes to play the victim. My brother blames me for things that go wrong in his life, even if they are nightmares of his own making. And yet, inside of all of this, I still love him. Because that's what loving unconditionally entails - loving someone flaws and all. I believe you can still love someone even if you don't like them very much. And that's where I find myself right now, not liking who my brother has become at all but still loving him. If only love could get him out of the mess he's made.
Yesterday was what I commonly refer to as a 'throwaway day', meaning almost everything that could've gone wrong did. The say started out well and even ended pretty darn good but everything in between sucked. I hate days like that (who doesn't, I know), mostly because they put me in a terrible mood for quite sometime after. The exact cause of this particular throwaway day? Stress. Exacerbated by my brother's neverending pain in the assness. He called my sister's house yesterday afternoon but I was the one who answered (had I known it was him on the other end of the line, I probably wouldn't have picked up). Almost immediately he got an attitude and was first pissed off that he had to talk to me at all, then because no one had told him I was in town. He made a comment about how fucked up it is that his family doesn't even want to talk to him anymore. I made a comment about his "accident", which pissed him off even more. He started pushing every single one of my buttons and I took the bait. It got loud in a hurry. The entire exchange only lasted about ten minutes but that was more than enough time for all kinds of nasty stuff to be tossed around. What I should've done was hang up and not even engaged. But I didn't and I ended up getting hurt. He hung up on me, I slammed the phone down as if it still meant something and I quietly stewed the rest of the day. It was awful.
I'm no less pissed off about our fight now than when it happened. And I'm still LIVID about his (alleged) suicide attempt. But I think what's really bothering me is that I just don't understand how we got here. We had the same upbringing with the same people, raised by the same ridiculously amazing mother who taught us to always take responsibility for our own actions. So how did my brother end up with such a strong victim mentality? It's like he doesn't grasp that nobody is immune from tragedy. His birth mother died while having him and his father took off and I get that. But he could've had it a lot worse had our mom not stepped up. I get that not knowing his birth parents had an effect on him but he can't use that as an excuse for everything. Your tragedies may have a hand in making you who you are but you can't let them define you. My mom never got to meet her father because he died before she was born. Crazy Aunt's entry into the world was full of all kindsa controversy (affairs, wifebeaters and drunks, oh my). My uncle became a single father five minutes after his son was born because his junkie girlfriend took off. All of this stuff had an effect on these people but they moved on from it and are better for that. I don't understand why my brother can't do the same.
I know a large part of my brother's problem is that he's never wanted the life he has. He never wanted to get married and he never wanted to have children. But he also never had the balls to tell his then-girlfriend (now-wife, though I'm not sure for how much longer) that he didn't want those things because he knew she did want them. So they never had that conversation about what they wanted long-term. And they were parents at 19, married at 25 and no longer really speaking by 27 when they had their second child. And now...who knows what happens next. But it can't be about him anymore. Like it or not, he has two kids and a wife and he needs to either exit that scenario or get himself together. But he doesn't seem interested in doing any of that right now. He just wants sympathy for the messes he's created and continues to create for himself and he's upset that no one will give it to him anymore. The ball is pretty much in his court now in terms of getting out of his fog and deciding what to do about his life. So I'm gonna try to not worry about it as much. I still love him and I always will but I can't help him anymore, especially since he doesn't want my help.
Yesterday was what I commonly refer to as a 'throwaway day', meaning almost everything that could've gone wrong did. The say started out well and even ended pretty darn good but everything in between sucked. I hate days like that (who doesn't, I know), mostly because they put me in a terrible mood for quite sometime after. The exact cause of this particular throwaway day? Stress. Exacerbated by my brother's neverending pain in the assness. He called my sister's house yesterday afternoon but I was the one who answered (had I known it was him on the other end of the line, I probably wouldn't have picked up). Almost immediately he got an attitude and was first pissed off that he had to talk to me at all, then because no one had told him I was in town. He made a comment about how fucked up it is that his family doesn't even want to talk to him anymore. I made a comment about his "accident", which pissed him off even more. He started pushing every single one of my buttons and I took the bait. It got loud in a hurry. The entire exchange only lasted about ten minutes but that was more than enough time for all kinds of nasty stuff to be tossed around. What I should've done was hang up and not even engaged. But I didn't and I ended up getting hurt. He hung up on me, I slammed the phone down as if it still meant something and I quietly stewed the rest of the day. It was awful.
I'm no less pissed off about our fight now than when it happened. And I'm still LIVID about his (alleged) suicide attempt. But I think what's really bothering me is that I just don't understand how we got here. We had the same upbringing with the same people, raised by the same ridiculously amazing mother who taught us to always take responsibility for our own actions. So how did my brother end up with such a strong victim mentality? It's like he doesn't grasp that nobody is immune from tragedy. His birth mother died while having him and his father took off and I get that. But he could've had it a lot worse had our mom not stepped up. I get that not knowing his birth parents had an effect on him but he can't use that as an excuse for everything. Your tragedies may have a hand in making you who you are but you can't let them define you. My mom never got to meet her father because he died before she was born. Crazy Aunt's entry into the world was full of all kindsa controversy (affairs, wifebeaters and drunks, oh my). My uncle became a single father five minutes after his son was born because his junkie girlfriend took off. All of this stuff had an effect on these people but they moved on from it and are better for that. I don't understand why my brother can't do the same.
I know a large part of my brother's problem is that he's never wanted the life he has. He never wanted to get married and he never wanted to have children. But he also never had the balls to tell his then-girlfriend (now-wife, though I'm not sure for how much longer) that he didn't want those things because he knew she did want them. So they never had that conversation about what they wanted long-term. And they were parents at 19, married at 25 and no longer really speaking by 27 when they had their second child. And now...who knows what happens next. But it can't be about him anymore. Like it or not, he has two kids and a wife and he needs to either exit that scenario or get himself together. But he doesn't seem interested in doing any of that right now. He just wants sympathy for the messes he's created and continues to create for himself and he's upset that no one will give it to him anymore. The ball is pretty much in his court now in terms of getting out of his fog and deciding what to do about his life. So I'm gonna try to not worry about it as much. I still love him and I always will but I can't help him anymore, especially since he doesn't want my help.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Giuseppe, Geppetto, Frogs and Crickets
I love texts that start as one thing and end up another. My cousin's husband, also one of my best friends, texted this morning to see how things are going with the family. We never got around to that convo but the one we did have provided some much needed comic relief.
Friend: What up Giuseppe?
Me: lol Giuseppe?
Friend: I'm trying it out. I'm not in love with you yet.
Me: LOL. Uh...that's good news.
Me: Can you tell me what I'm doing to make you fall in love with me so I can avoid it from now on?
Friend: IN LOVE WITH IT. NOT YOU. lol Shut up
Friend: At least your name doesn't translate to Geppetto. Then you'd be a frog.
Me: A frog? WTF?
Friend: The frog in the movies was named Geppetto
Me: I don't think that's right. Wasn't that Pinocchio's father/creator's name?
Friend: No dude. It was the frog. His dad's name was Giuseppe. Duh
Me: Ok, pretty sure no one was named Giuseppe in that movie and I doubt they would give two characters such similar names. Especially if they're different species. Duh.
Me: And there was no frog.
Friend: Uh huh! He was his creator or his...I don't know, but there was a third main character in there.
Me: No dude. His creator was Geppetto.
Friend: Fine then the frog was his adoptive brother or something
Me: LOL. You are so wrong. But very entertaining in your wrongness
Friend: lol I'm married, I'm always wrong. Find a lady friend who can put up with you and join me in constant wrongness (or "wedded bliss"), won't you?
Me: NO. THANK. YOU. But good luck with that.
Me: Too bad you're married though since you declared your love for me today. And we know you're able to put up with me
Friend: LMAO. You wish I were in love with you! You'd be lucky to have me
Me: But...you just said you were...I'm crushed now.
Friend: lol F*ck off
Me: Btw, my mom says there is no frog. You're thinking of Jiminy Cricket who was Pinocchio's conscience and was, SHOCK, a cricket.
Friend: lol Well what does your mom know
Me: She just said, (allow me to quote) "I know I'm gonna kick the ass of a little Canadian boy next time I see him." lol
Friend: Oooooohhh....she played the Canadian card. Burn...
Friend: I'm not Canadian, I'm not! I'm a real American boy!
Me: LOL. Well played sir
Friend: And an honorable mention to your mother sir
Friend: Anyway I texted to ask how everyone is
Me: I know. But that was so much better lol.
Friend: What up Giuseppe?
Me: lol Giuseppe?
Friend: I'm trying it out. I'm not in love with you yet.
Me: LOL. Uh...that's good news.
Me: Can you tell me what I'm doing to make you fall in love with me so I can avoid it from now on?
Friend: IN LOVE WITH IT. NOT YOU. lol Shut up
Friend: At least your name doesn't translate to Geppetto. Then you'd be a frog.
Me: A frog? WTF?
Friend: The frog in the movies was named Geppetto
Me: I don't think that's right. Wasn't that Pinocchio's father/creator's name?
Friend: No dude. It was the frog. His dad's name was Giuseppe. Duh
Me: Ok, pretty sure no one was named Giuseppe in that movie and I doubt they would give two characters such similar names. Especially if they're different species. Duh.
Me: And there was no frog.
Friend: Uh huh! He was his creator or his...I don't know, but there was a third main character in there.
Me: No dude. His creator was Geppetto.
Friend: Fine then the frog was his adoptive brother or something
Me: LOL. You are so wrong. But very entertaining in your wrongness
Friend: lol I'm married, I'm always wrong. Find a lady friend who can put up with you and join me in constant wrongness (or "wedded bliss"), won't you?
Me: NO. THANK. YOU. But good luck with that.
Me: Too bad you're married though since you declared your love for me today. And we know you're able to put up with me
Friend: LMAO. You wish I were in love with you! You'd be lucky to have me
Me: But...you just said you were...I'm crushed now.
Friend: lol F*ck off
Me: Btw, my mom says there is no frog. You're thinking of Jiminy Cricket who was Pinocchio's conscience and was, SHOCK, a cricket.
Friend: lol Well what does your mom know
Me: She just said, (allow me to quote) "I know I'm gonna kick the ass of a little Canadian boy next time I see him." lol
Friend: Oooooohhh....she played the Canadian card. Burn...
Friend: I'm not Canadian, I'm not! I'm a real American boy!
Me: LOL. Well played sir
Friend: And an honorable mention to your mother sir
Friend: Anyway I texted to ask how everyone is
Me: I know. But that was so much better lol.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines In Pieces On The Ground
So...I went to bed at around 11:30PM (and if you know me, you know how rare of an occurrence this is) and was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up at 4AM and my throat was on fire and I have no idea why. Relaying this story to my family this morning, the general consensus is that it probably has to do with my inhaling drywall dust (my mom joked I need to get into a program because she won't have a son who "snorts drywall dust"). My mom and my sister both reminded me that they'd each told me to wear a mask while I was working (the women in my life love to say, "I told you so" when I occasionally (read: constantly) ignore their advice) and that I got what was coming to me for not listening to them. It was kinda fitting that that is how my day began though. Because today I had to say goodbye to another woman who's been a big part of my life almost from day one. And it sucked.
I don't like seeing anyone I love in pain of any kind, whether it be physical or emotional. I'm sure most people would say the same thing but it really weighs on me when someone I care about is unwell. Until now, I've never had to deal with knowing that someone close to me is dying. All of my losses have been sudden and/or traumatic. I'm not sure which is better. At least this time I'm able to say goodbye and get everything I need to out I guess. But that still has not made it any better or any easier. I know this is the way it's supposed to happen, parents dying before their kids do, but that sure doesn't make it any better. You always assume that the people you love are gonna be there forever, even though you know better. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that this person I had a conversation with this morning, as well as many other conversations over the past 30 years, is just gonna be gone soon.
I was nervous when I walked into the room to see her because I had no idea what to say. Would it be okay to joke around? Am I supposed to "officially" say my goodbyes now? It was all so foreign. Eventually I settled in and we started talking, mostly reminiscing about better days. She brought up my first kiss (which was with her daughter) and how my brother saw it and proceeded to tell EVERYONE that my best friend and I were in love. Her dad got all excited and made a comment about how great it would be if we ended up together someday and her mom brought him back down to earth by saying that we were only 12 and had a ways to go before we started thinking about ending up with anyone. Then she started talking about how happy she was that she lived to see both of us become parents and handle turning 30. And how she hope we both decide to have more kids because we're good parents. She mentioned that she was happy to be able to see her daughter get married, even if the marriage didn't stick. Then she looked at me and said she wasn't surprised she had not seen me walk down an aisle. And that she thinks even if she lived another 60 years, she still wouldn't get to see me walk down an aisle. It provided a much needed laugh. I left not long after but not because I wanted to.
Having digested my feelings for awhile now...I still don't know how to feel. I don't know how I should feel right now. I have this awful pain in the pit of my stomach that I feel like is gonna be there until I get the call that she's gone. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel when that actually happens. Part of me still can't believe that that was the last time I'll ever see or talk to her. All of me is pissed off that I can't do anything about it. It's just gonna happen. I wish it didn't have to happen. Yeah...not a good day.
I don't like seeing anyone I love in pain of any kind, whether it be physical or emotional. I'm sure most people would say the same thing but it really weighs on me when someone I care about is unwell. Until now, I've never had to deal with knowing that someone close to me is dying. All of my losses have been sudden and/or traumatic. I'm not sure which is better. At least this time I'm able to say goodbye and get everything I need to out I guess. But that still has not made it any better or any easier. I know this is the way it's supposed to happen, parents dying before their kids do, but that sure doesn't make it any better. You always assume that the people you love are gonna be there forever, even though you know better. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that this person I had a conversation with this morning, as well as many other conversations over the past 30 years, is just gonna be gone soon.
I was nervous when I walked into the room to see her because I had no idea what to say. Would it be okay to joke around? Am I supposed to "officially" say my goodbyes now? It was all so foreign. Eventually I settled in and we started talking, mostly reminiscing about better days. She brought up my first kiss (which was with her daughter) and how my brother saw it and proceeded to tell EVERYONE that my best friend and I were in love. Her dad got all excited and made a comment about how great it would be if we ended up together someday and her mom brought him back down to earth by saying that we were only 12 and had a ways to go before we started thinking about ending up with anyone. Then she started talking about how happy she was that she lived to see both of us become parents and handle turning 30. And how she hope we both decide to have more kids because we're good parents. She mentioned that she was happy to be able to see her daughter get married, even if the marriage didn't stick. Then she looked at me and said she wasn't surprised she had not seen me walk down an aisle. And that she thinks even if she lived another 60 years, she still wouldn't get to see me walk down an aisle. It provided a much needed laugh. I left not long after but not because I wanted to.
Having digested my feelings for awhile now...I still don't know how to feel. I don't know how I should feel right now. I have this awful pain in the pit of my stomach that I feel like is gonna be there until I get the call that she's gone. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel when that actually happens. Part of me still can't believe that that was the last time I'll ever see or talk to her. All of me is pissed off that I can't do anything about it. It's just gonna happen. I wish it didn't have to happen. Yeah...not a good day.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are The Best I've Ever Had
I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was actually very disturbing to me. I was sitting in this chair in the middle of an empty room and these guys dressed in all black and wearing masks were shooting the people I love, one by one. And I couldn't move and was forced to watch all this. I woke up SERIOUSLY freaked out but I didn't know what to do. I didn't wanna call anybody and wake them up just cuz I got scared by a dream so I just sat there on the edge of the bed for awhile. It was one of those dreams that seemed so real. I could feel everything that was happening. At the end of the dream, one of these guys in all black walked over to me and put this gun he'd used to kill all my loved ones to my head and it was like I could feel the metal against my head. I don't know. It was very weird and the timing was eerie. And I still can't really get any of it off my mind.
I took my daughter to the doctor this morning because she still has a cough and a weird fever that's mild in the mornings, goes away for most of the day, then rages for a few hours in the evenings. This has been going on at least every few months for almost a year now so I know it can't be a virus. But that's what the doctor continues to call it. I left the appointment livid about this dude not taking my concerns about my kid seriously and writing me off as just another paranoid parent. This is not my first time at the baby rodeo, I practically raised my brother's son. My paranoid parent phase was when my sister's oldest was born, we were 19 and every time that child breathed too loud I thought she'd contracted some kind of illness. By now, I know what's something and what's nothing in terms of illnesses. I was venting to my mom about what the doctor had said when the other line rang. I ignored it (as I often do) and asked my mom what she thought I should do now that this doc has written me off. The other line rang again and I got an alert about a voicemail but thought nothing of it until my mom interrupted the conversation to tell me that my best friend's mom has "taken a turn". I asked what that meant and my mom told me to hang up with her and call the best friend. It was the kinda call I'd hoped I would never have to make.
I wrote this back in March about five minutes after I got the news that my best friend's mom had been told her cancer had returned. I wrote this one after the news had a chance to sink in and I decided not to dwell on it because that wasn't going to help anyone. It's been one of those things that you know is coming but you never want it to. Doctors said she had a year at most and we were all hoping that she would make it another year. But I guess it wasn't meant to be. And it sucks. Obviously, you never want to lose anyone and that hurts but I think I feel more awful about not being able to do anything to make the people I love feel better. The best friend is a wreck, her father, who's like a father to me, is about to lose the love of his life and no one can do anything about it. Hell, I'm a bit of a wreck too. I don't like not being able to fix things. And if I could have any wish right now, I'd want this amazing woman's illness to go away for good and have her be able to live a longer, healthy life and watch her granddaughter grow up. If only wishing made it so, huh?
I took my daughter to the doctor this morning because she still has a cough and a weird fever that's mild in the mornings, goes away for most of the day, then rages for a few hours in the evenings. This has been going on at least every few months for almost a year now so I know it can't be a virus. But that's what the doctor continues to call it. I left the appointment livid about this dude not taking my concerns about my kid seriously and writing me off as just another paranoid parent. This is not my first time at the baby rodeo, I practically raised my brother's son. My paranoid parent phase was when my sister's oldest was born, we were 19 and every time that child breathed too loud I thought she'd contracted some kind of illness. By now, I know what's something and what's nothing in terms of illnesses. I was venting to my mom about what the doctor had said when the other line rang. I ignored it (as I often do) and asked my mom what she thought I should do now that this doc has written me off. The other line rang again and I got an alert about a voicemail but thought nothing of it until my mom interrupted the conversation to tell me that my best friend's mom has "taken a turn". I asked what that meant and my mom told me to hang up with her and call the best friend. It was the kinda call I'd hoped I would never have to make.
I wrote this back in March about five minutes after I got the news that my best friend's mom had been told her cancer had returned. I wrote this one after the news had a chance to sink in and I decided not to dwell on it because that wasn't going to help anyone. It's been one of those things that you know is coming but you never want it to. Doctors said she had a year at most and we were all hoping that she would make it another year. But I guess it wasn't meant to be. And it sucks. Obviously, you never want to lose anyone and that hurts but I think I feel more awful about not being able to do anything to make the people I love feel better. The best friend is a wreck, her father, who's like a father to me, is about to lose the love of his life and no one can do anything about it. Hell, I'm a bit of a wreck too. I don't like not being able to fix things. And if I could have any wish right now, I'd want this amazing woman's illness to go away for good and have her be able to live a longer, healthy life and watch her granddaughter grow up. If only wishing made it so, huh?
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Work It
I've spent the past two days helping my cousin and her husband finish a basement in their new home. It has been oddly calming to do all this work (more on that in another post). Most of it has been about hanging drywall, something none of us had ever done before, and the learning curve has been steep for yours truly. Did you know that drywall gives off all kinds of dust when you cut it? And did you know that if you inhale that dust for a full six hours of work, you wake up the next morning with a sore throat? Yeah, neither did I. Also, don't ask me how I know, but you also get a nasty cough later on in the day. We all wore masks on day 2 of the project (okay, *I* finally put on a mask, everyone else had them on to begin with) so hopefully the effects of drywall dust are less now. However, leave it to Crazy Aunt to put a dirty spin on the renovations.
Cousin: "Don't give him any sympathy. He's the one who chose not to wear a mask."
Crazy Aunt: "Mijo, you know you have to use protection."
Love that woman.
Cousin: "Don't give him any sympathy. He's the one who chose not to wear a mask."
Crazy Aunt: "Mijo, you know you have to use protection."
Love that woman.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Dear Siblings, At Some Point You Either Change Or Self-Destruct
Two days ago my 9-year-old nephew walked into the bathroom to get a band-aid and found his father lying on the floor next to an empty vodka bottle. Apparently my brother mixed his seizure medication with alcohol, which he knew he was not supposed to do, and it almost killed him. Whether it was intentional or an accident is still up for debate but my gut feeling is that it was most likely the former. I'm pissed off at him for even putting himself in that position but also because his son is the one that found him. He's barely there for his kids the past three years and now the oldest one has to be traumatized by finding his father half dead on the floor. How fucking selfish can you be? I don't even wanna talk to him right now cuz he's not going to listen to or like what I have to say so why waste my breath?
As I deal with my brother issues, I find a handful of my friends are in the same boat - all of us trying to make sense of the decisions of our younger siblings. One is dealing with a brother (the only dude in a family of women, I feel your pain) who's making terrible choices when it comes to custody of his two sons, painting his family into a corner about whether or not to defend him to his crazy ex-wife. Another has a sibling who has gone AWOL and spat in the face of his family who have done everything to try and get him (and keep him) on the straight and narrow. The best friend is having to deal with her mother's terminal illness on her own since her sister has decided to run away and avoid the entire situation. And then there's my brother's ("alleged") suicide attempt. As one of these friends (who is a big fan of the acronyms) would say, "Double U. Tee. Eff?". Is it like in the youngest sibling handbook that you're allowed to fuck up however you want cuz those who came before you will clean up your mess? Obviously not every youngest sibling follows such a pattern, my mom is the baby of a gang of kids and has never gone off the rails (well, unless you count that one drunken night that resulted in our birth).
I've always been considered a middle child in my family, my sister is two minutes older than me and my brother is 15 months younger than both of us. Growing up, my sister and brother were very much alike and I was the wild card but we always got along. These days my sister and I are alike and my brother is the one everyone has to worry about. I feel like my brother is exploiting his youngest sibling status. And I'm pretty sure he thinks I shouldn't rag on him about his "breakdown" because of what I went through myself in my early and mid-20's. But he can't compare the two at all in my opinion. I was a single dude without kids who was really only fucking up my own life and relationships. He's a married father of two (if barely) and every decision he makes affects his wife and children. I have no idea how to hammer home that he's not a kid anymore and he needs to wake up and realize what he has and accept responsibility for himself.
So, aside from throwing all four siblings in a room and staging a mass intervention, what are the options to make them see that change is the only option? Hell if I know. I think they're all just addicted to the drama and there's really no reason to end that dependence because as long as they're fucking up, everyone in the family is focused on them. They could give a fuck about the feelings of their moms, dad, sisters or brothers and they're oblivious to the fallout from their actions. The entire family's relationships suffer and people turn on each other because they're so frustrated about the situation. And the case for change is completely unappealing cuz it would take the spotlight off of them if they were to behave themselves and be adults. That's the maddening part of all this is that they are adults so there's really not much anyone can do to force their hands. But take it from one who has been in the position of fucking up and not caring before, if you don't commit to changing it's not gonna end well. Eventually you will burn bridges you can never rebuild. But I hope it doesn't come to that for anyone mentioned in this post.
As I deal with my brother issues, I find a handful of my friends are in the same boat - all of us trying to make sense of the decisions of our younger siblings. One is dealing with a brother (the only dude in a family of women, I feel your pain) who's making terrible choices when it comes to custody of his two sons, painting his family into a corner about whether or not to defend him to his crazy ex-wife. Another has a sibling who has gone AWOL and spat in the face of his family who have done everything to try and get him (and keep him) on the straight and narrow. The best friend is having to deal with her mother's terminal illness on her own since her sister has decided to run away and avoid the entire situation. And then there's my brother's ("alleged") suicide attempt. As one of these friends (who is a big fan of the acronyms) would say, "Double U. Tee. Eff?". Is it like in the youngest sibling handbook that you're allowed to fuck up however you want cuz those who came before you will clean up your mess? Obviously not every youngest sibling follows such a pattern, my mom is the baby of a gang of kids and has never gone off the rails (well, unless you count that one drunken night that resulted in our birth).
I've always been considered a middle child in my family, my sister is two minutes older than me and my brother is 15 months younger than both of us. Growing up, my sister and brother were very much alike and I was the wild card but we always got along. These days my sister and I are alike and my brother is the one everyone has to worry about. I feel like my brother is exploiting his youngest sibling status. And I'm pretty sure he thinks I shouldn't rag on him about his "breakdown" because of what I went through myself in my early and mid-20's. But he can't compare the two at all in my opinion. I was a single dude without kids who was really only fucking up my own life and relationships. He's a married father of two (if barely) and every decision he makes affects his wife and children. I have no idea how to hammer home that he's not a kid anymore and he needs to wake up and realize what he has and accept responsibility for himself.
So, aside from throwing all four siblings in a room and staging a mass intervention, what are the options to make them see that change is the only option? Hell if I know. I think they're all just addicted to the drama and there's really no reason to end that dependence because as long as they're fucking up, everyone in the family is focused on them. They could give a fuck about the feelings of their moms, dad, sisters or brothers and they're oblivious to the fallout from their actions. The entire family's relationships suffer and people turn on each other because they're so frustrated about the situation. And the case for change is completely unappealing cuz it would take the spotlight off of them if they were to behave themselves and be adults. That's the maddening part of all this is that they are adults so there's really not much anyone can do to force their hands. But take it from one who has been in the position of fucking up and not caring before, if you don't commit to changing it's not gonna end well. Eventually you will burn bridges you can never rebuild. But I hope it doesn't come to that for anyone mentioned in this post.
Friday, September 9, 2011
There Are Many Things That I Would Like To Say To You, But I Don't Know How...
(You know things are going fantastic when it's a two post day.)
I. Feel. Lousy. My eyes burn, my head is stuffed up. Even my ears hurt. I've eaten sparingly the past three days and I've slept even less than I've eaten. Banner days all around. Though I am exhausted, my sleepless nights have given me plenty o' time to think and write. Looking back on my writing in the light of day I've realized that most of it is either about someone in particular or about how I feel. As I write this I feel happy, almost giddy cuz I just got off the phone with somebody I love talking to. It's a weird feeling for me though because I feel like I can never really say everything I wanna say when we speak to each other. I don't know if it's just that I don't wanna sound stupid or that I get so nervous I revert into my teenager self and can't get the words out, but I hold back a little bit almost every time. But exhaustion tends to make me say (and apparently write) things I would otherwise keep inside. So I figure no time like the present to get stuff off my chest.
A decade ago at this time I was very happy and content and in love with an amazing person. We were young, but it wasn't the usual teenager type love where you're infatuated with each other but break ties when you hit hard times. It was genuine. I fell hard and fast and I didn't fight it at all cuz the way I felt with her was amazing. I still can't explain what it was but something in me knew that I would be with this person for a very long time. I wanted to marry this person and have a family with this person. And even though we were just kids, it was like we both knew what we had. Some people don't find the one they wanna do all of the major life milestone stuff with until they're 40. Some people never find it. We were 20 and had it all figured out already. Well, at least we thought we did. There's no accounting for what the universe has in store for you. Neither of us could have imagined it would end the way it did.
Obviously, getting over this relationship and the way it ended has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Actually that's a little bit of a lie because I've learned you never get over it. You just get to a point where it hurts less. And you bury the feelings you had for that person because there is no other way to deal. I couldn't un-feel those feelings. So I ignored them and convinced myself they wouldn't ever resurface. And they didn't for years. But part of that is because I spent a long time stopping my relationships from getting too serious. I would find a way out, whether it was by making her walk away or walking away myself. It's not that I expect anything or anyone to take the place of that other person, I know that will never happen and that's a standard no one should ever be held to. But the last time I was in love...I don't know, the feelings were there and it was good but it was a different kind of love.
Flash forward to this year, and the entrance of the person who makes me borderline giddy, and you'll find me taken completely by surprise. No expectations, just wonderful conversations that evolved into feelings. The thing is that those feelings snuck up on me and I had no idea what they were until it was too late to stop them (not saying I would've tried to). Then I felt vulnerable and exposed but I kinda dug it. Until I realized that these weren't your usual, 'hey, I just might like you' feelings. Instead it was those old, long buried feelings finally forcing their way to the surface. And it scares the hell out of me. I can't even emphasize how freaked out I am. And it's amazing how they just creeped up on me. By the time I realized what was going on, I had no way to stop how I felt. How I feel. I don't know how to explain it but part of me wants to give in to how I feel and knows it's okay to feel the way I do. But the other part wants to cut and run and protect myself. But I guess that's expected of someone with my history.
So, what things do I wanna say but often hold back? Well, for one, I don't think I've ever said that I would feel a pretty gut-wrenching loss if this person exited my life (but that's not to say I wouldn't understand their reasons for doing so). I'm not sure they know that. Another thing would be that I like the way she makes me feel. I can't really explain what that feeling is other than really, really good. Anything I've ever told her has been listened to and taken in and accepted, no matter how ridiculous it is. I like that and I've rarely had that happen to me before. I rarely (if ever) say things that cross my mind when we're in conversation. Like how amazing she is as a person. She's beautiful and smart and makes me laugh like few others. I only ever wish the best for her because she deserves it. I still have a lot to say but I'm finding it difficult to put into words. So this will have to do for now.
I. Feel. Lousy. My eyes burn, my head is stuffed up. Even my ears hurt. I've eaten sparingly the past three days and I've slept even less than I've eaten. Banner days all around. Though I am exhausted, my sleepless nights have given me plenty o' time to think and write. Looking back on my writing in the light of day I've realized that most of it is either about someone in particular or about how I feel. As I write this I feel happy, almost giddy cuz I just got off the phone with somebody I love talking to. It's a weird feeling for me though because I feel like I can never really say everything I wanna say when we speak to each other. I don't know if it's just that I don't wanna sound stupid or that I get so nervous I revert into my teenager self and can't get the words out, but I hold back a little bit almost every time. But exhaustion tends to make me say (and apparently write) things I would otherwise keep inside. So I figure no time like the present to get stuff off my chest.
A decade ago at this time I was very happy and content and in love with an amazing person. We were young, but it wasn't the usual teenager type love where you're infatuated with each other but break ties when you hit hard times. It was genuine. I fell hard and fast and I didn't fight it at all cuz the way I felt with her was amazing. I still can't explain what it was but something in me knew that I would be with this person for a very long time. I wanted to marry this person and have a family with this person. And even though we were just kids, it was like we both knew what we had. Some people don't find the one they wanna do all of the major life milestone stuff with until they're 40. Some people never find it. We were 20 and had it all figured out already. Well, at least we thought we did. There's no accounting for what the universe has in store for you. Neither of us could have imagined it would end the way it did.
Obviously, getting over this relationship and the way it ended has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Actually that's a little bit of a lie because I've learned you never get over it. You just get to a point where it hurts less. And you bury the feelings you had for that person because there is no other way to deal. I couldn't un-feel those feelings. So I ignored them and convinced myself they wouldn't ever resurface. And they didn't for years. But part of that is because I spent a long time stopping my relationships from getting too serious. I would find a way out, whether it was by making her walk away or walking away myself. It's not that I expect anything or anyone to take the place of that other person, I know that will never happen and that's a standard no one should ever be held to. But the last time I was in love...I don't know, the feelings were there and it was good but it was a different kind of love.
Flash forward to this year, and the entrance of the person who makes me borderline giddy, and you'll find me taken completely by surprise. No expectations, just wonderful conversations that evolved into feelings. The thing is that those feelings snuck up on me and I had no idea what they were until it was too late to stop them (not saying I would've tried to). Then I felt vulnerable and exposed but I kinda dug it. Until I realized that these weren't your usual, 'hey, I just might like you' feelings. Instead it was those old, long buried feelings finally forcing their way to the surface. And it scares the hell out of me. I can't even emphasize how freaked out I am. And it's amazing how they just creeped up on me. By the time I realized what was going on, I had no way to stop how I felt. How I feel. I don't know how to explain it but part of me wants to give in to how I feel and knows it's okay to feel the way I do. But the other part wants to cut and run and protect myself. But I guess that's expected of someone with my history.
So, what things do I wanna say but often hold back? Well, for one, I don't think I've ever said that I would feel a pretty gut-wrenching loss if this person exited my life (but that's not to say I wouldn't understand their reasons for doing so). I'm not sure they know that. Another thing would be that I like the way she makes me feel. I can't really explain what that feeling is other than really, really good. Anything I've ever told her has been listened to and taken in and accepted, no matter how ridiculous it is. I like that and I've rarely had that happen to me before. I rarely (if ever) say things that cross my mind when we're in conversation. Like how amazing she is as a person. She's beautiful and smart and makes me laugh like few others. I only ever wish the best for her because she deserves it. I still have a lot to say but I'm finding it difficult to put into words. So this will have to do for now.
Ready
I've heard that people who aren't ready for something will find ways to fuck it up; sometimes consciously, other times sub-consciously. I've definitely done that before. Hell, I do it now. What am I so afraid of? I don't know. Maybe that old habits have not yet died. I always fuck something up. I'm too honest or I'm not honest enough or I don't acknowledge how I feel. I stumble out of the gate or mid-race, but always in the end. And that sucks. And I know it's on me to change that. But I also...I'm just not sure I'm worth sticking it out for so how can I expect someone else to do it? I feel like I can be great, at times. Obviously it's the "at times" in that sentence that's part of the problem. I need to learn to shut my mouth sometimes. That'd go a long way in making me less of an ass.
Not long ago I got a phone call from someone I went to college with. We'd lost touch but our paths crossed again early this year. There was a definite attraction but I chose not to pursue it for several reasons. We fell out of touch again and I moved on, then I got a call from her basically asking if I was single and wanted to hook up next time we were in the same place. I'm about to pull the trigger on something else so I passed on her offer. But I was tempted to go for it and I'm upset with myself for that. Because as I was being propositioned, I was thinking about someone else. It's not that I genuinely wanted to pursue this hook up or that I feel like it's the best or right thing to do at the moment. It was more I looked at what could happen there (sex with nothing else expected of me) and compared it to what could happen with the someone else I couldn't get off my mind (hint: much more than sex), and the former is more familiar to me. It's not that the hook up is "safer" by any means, it's just that that's what I know so that's what I was tempted to gravitate towards. I'm still not sure if I'm explaining this right. I tried to explain it to the someone else I thought of and tripped over my words and couldn't articulate it correctly and it just turned into a mess. Hurt feelings were not at all my intention when I began relaying the story, but they were the result. Then the tables were turned when it was suggested that maybe I should "go out and fuck a bunch of girls" or go ahead and hook up with this chick since it seems the "safer" thing to do.
*sigh*...I shouldn't have said anything. Fuck honesty, it gets you nowhere.
Not long ago I got a phone call from someone I went to college with. We'd lost touch but our paths crossed again early this year. There was a definite attraction but I chose not to pursue it for several reasons. We fell out of touch again and I moved on, then I got a call from her basically asking if I was single and wanted to hook up next time we were in the same place. I'm about to pull the trigger on something else so I passed on her offer. But I was tempted to go for it and I'm upset with myself for that. Because as I was being propositioned, I was thinking about someone else. It's not that I genuinely wanted to pursue this hook up or that I feel like it's the best or right thing to do at the moment. It was more I looked at what could happen there (sex with nothing else expected of me) and compared it to what could happen with the someone else I couldn't get off my mind (hint: much more than sex), and the former is more familiar to me. It's not that the hook up is "safer" by any means, it's just that that's what I know so that's what I was tempted to gravitate towards. I'm still not sure if I'm explaining this right. I tried to explain it to the someone else I thought of and tripped over my words and couldn't articulate it correctly and it just turned into a mess. Hurt feelings were not at all my intention when I began relaying the story, but they were the result. Then the tables were turned when it was suggested that maybe I should "go out and fuck a bunch of girls" or go ahead and hook up with this chick since it seems the "safer" thing to do.
*sigh*...I shouldn't have said anything. Fuck honesty, it gets you nowhere.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Here One Minute, Gone The Next
(This could be a throwaway post since I'm tired and not at 100% right now (sinus infections rock), but I've had something on my mind all day that I need to get out.)
If you know me at all, you know that hockey is pretty much my religion. My interest in other sports (as with so many other things in my life) wanes but I can never get enough hockey. This off-season has been a terrible one for the hockey community. Two active players and one recently retired player have died since the regular season ended in April. One of those deaths was an accidental overdose, the other two were reportedly suicides. All three players were what's known in the game as "enforcers"; guys who weren't tremendously skilled but made it in the league because of their toughness and size. They were grinders whose job it was to protect their more skilled teammates. Not at all a glamorous job but it was a living made while playing a game they loved. Those deaths were tough to take, especially since two of them brought about their own ends. The last of these players died only about a week ago. Then today comes news of a terrible plane crash in Russia that killed an entire hockey team, including several popular former NHL players. I've followed the careers of two of these players because they played a few seasons for the team that I follow. I'm not sure if that's why I'm so down about the news of their deaths or if there's more to it but either way, it has been a terrible off-season that cannot end soon enough.
Most people fear death at some point in their lives or at least wonder how and when they'll make their exit. I've never really understood that. I'm a big believer in fate so I feel like whether I live five more minutes or fifty more years has already been preordained. I figure death is coming eventually whether we fear it or not so why stress about it? But today I've been thinking about the 43 people who died in this plane crash and how...I guess fleeting life can be. Obviously no one could've known what was gonna happen but it's so weird to me that 24 hours ago these people were just living their lives. They said goodbye to their girlfriends or wives and kids and got on a routine flight to play some hockey and never made it. Nobody had any idea that it would be the last flight they'd ever board. And now their families have to get over the shock and learn to live without their loved ones. And that is a terrible thing to have to deal with.
If you know me at all, you know that hockey is pretty much my religion. My interest in other sports (as with so many other things in my life) wanes but I can never get enough hockey. This off-season has been a terrible one for the hockey community. Two active players and one recently retired player have died since the regular season ended in April. One of those deaths was an accidental overdose, the other two were reportedly suicides. All three players were what's known in the game as "enforcers"; guys who weren't tremendously skilled but made it in the league because of their toughness and size. They were grinders whose job it was to protect their more skilled teammates. Not at all a glamorous job but it was a living made while playing a game they loved. Those deaths were tough to take, especially since two of them brought about their own ends. The last of these players died only about a week ago. Then today comes news of a terrible plane crash in Russia that killed an entire hockey team, including several popular former NHL players. I've followed the careers of two of these players because they played a few seasons for the team that I follow. I'm not sure if that's why I'm so down about the news of their deaths or if there's more to it but either way, it has been a terrible off-season that cannot end soon enough.
Most people fear death at some point in their lives or at least wonder how and when they'll make their exit. I've never really understood that. I'm a big believer in fate so I feel like whether I live five more minutes or fifty more years has already been preordained. I figure death is coming eventually whether we fear it or not so why stress about it? But today I've been thinking about the 43 people who died in this plane crash and how...I guess fleeting life can be. Obviously no one could've known what was gonna happen but it's so weird to me that 24 hours ago these people were just living their lives. They said goodbye to their girlfriends or wives and kids and got on a routine flight to play some hockey and never made it. Nobody had any idea that it would be the last flight they'd ever board. And now their families have to get over the shock and learn to live without their loved ones. And that is a terrible thing to have to deal with.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
I'm NOT Sick
I am unwell and I have no idea what type of plague I have. Two days ago I had a fever that came out of nowhere and lasted about 12 hours, but I felt okay. As of yesterday, I have a weird...not pain but...something in my stomach. Don't know what that's about but I don't like it. Today brought a sore throat and sore muscles. Of course, everybody I know has a different interpretation of my unwellness. My mom still thinks I'm having a bad reaction to my new allergy medication and that I should stop taking it immediately and see if my symptoms improve. My uncle says it's stress-related and I need to unwind and/or talk to somebody about why I'm so stressed. My sister is the one who has dubbed my illness "plague" and lovingly pointed out that her oldest son has the flu not long ago and was just getting over it when I came into contact with him on my trip home. Fantastic. But I don't think it's the flu (who gets that in the summer months anyway). So what do I think I have? Beats the hell out of me girls and boys. But I'll tell you this: immune systems be annoying sometimes.
Years and years and years ago, I was one of those lucky lads who never got sick. I had the flu once as a kid when I was about 5 and never had it again until adulthood and I had chicken pox when I was 8. That was it in terms of illness (but I'm not counting my kidney issues since those weren't really an illness). But my immune system seems to have staged a revolt in the past five years or so. I don't get sick too easily but once I do, it seems to linger a little longer than it does for most people. But it could always be worse. And since I'm so damn stubborn I don't admit I'm sick until I'm right smack in the middle of the illness (hence the title of this post). My brother once said if I ever contracted something really bad, I wouldn't admit it was bad until I was on my deathbed. And he's probably right. Why I can't admit there's a problem when there's an actual problem, I will never know.
My plan is to aggressively get some rest and try to will myself into being better. I'm doing all the crap people say to do; drinking a lot of water and trying to sleep as much as possible, etc. So far, no effect. I'm not really tired so it's been tough for me to sleep. I'm not hungry so I'm not eating much (I've had cereal today and that is all). I get bursts of energy where I'm able to do some work or write a little bit but those don't last long. It's one of those moods where I don't feel like doing anything or dealing with anyone (I get moody when I don't feel well). And I hate that I get that way. So, it's back to water and riding the couch so I can beat...whatever the hell this is.
Years and years and years ago, I was one of those lucky lads who never got sick. I had the flu once as a kid when I was about 5 and never had it again until adulthood and I had chicken pox when I was 8. That was it in terms of illness (but I'm not counting my kidney issues since those weren't really an illness). But my immune system seems to have staged a revolt in the past five years or so. I don't get sick too easily but once I do, it seems to linger a little longer than it does for most people. But it could always be worse. And since I'm so damn stubborn I don't admit I'm sick until I'm right smack in the middle of the illness (hence the title of this post). My brother once said if I ever contracted something really bad, I wouldn't admit it was bad until I was on my deathbed. And he's probably right. Why I can't admit there's a problem when there's an actual problem, I will never know.
My plan is to aggressively get some rest and try to will myself into being better. I'm doing all the crap people say to do; drinking a lot of water and trying to sleep as much as possible, etc. So far, no effect. I'm not really tired so it's been tough for me to sleep. I'm not hungry so I'm not eating much (I've had cereal today and that is all). I get bursts of energy where I'm able to do some work or write a little bit but those don't last long. It's one of those moods where I don't feel like doing anything or dealing with anyone (I get moody when I don't feel well). And I hate that I get that way. So, it's back to water and riding the couch so I can beat...whatever the hell this is.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Non-Sleeper
I mentioned some feelings I've been having lately to a friend and they told me they don't understand how I could be both happy and terrified at the same time. That fear shouldn't co-exist with happiness. True, that's probably how functional people handle their feelings. But that's not how we dysfunctional self-sabotagers roll. I've been feeling that familiar push of self-sabotage trying to come to the surface lately and keeping in in check has been more difficult than I imagined. But, so far, I'm doing an okay job of not giving into it. I am in the midst of a restless night. Thinking about how I feel, beyond happy and terrified, and a bunch of other feelings came up. I'm worried about the possibilities. I get anxiety thinking about the possibilities. And not like a little anxiety but almost full on anxiety attacks, which I haven't had in at least a couple years. That's a little scary too. Okay, the anxiety freaks me the hell out. And maybe all those feelings happening at once doesn't make any sense. But I can't help how I feel. I don't know, maybe none of this post makes sense. Just thinking out loud...
Friday, September 2, 2011
Why My Family Needs A Twitter Page
Crazy Aunt: "Can't you just put your vibrator on?"
(Said while walking into an IMAX movie in the museum after my sister wondered out loud how to silence her phone.)
~~~
Crazy Aunt: "I like chocolate...but I would not turn down anything John Stamos wanted to give me."
Me: "Ew."
(After watching this commercial during family TV time.)
~~~
Crazy Aunt: "You know who I would like to date now? A black guy to see if the myths are true."
Sister: "Okay, that's enough. Let's get ready to go."
Crazy Aunt: "Mija, didn't you date a black guy in college? What was that like? Was he...you know...."
Me: "Was he what? What do you mean?"
Crazy Aunt: "Was he well hu-"
Sister: "OKAY! Time to go to the airport"
Crazy Aunt: "I guess that's a no...well...I'd still like to date one. Have a nice trip, mijo."
(All this said in front of my 12-year-old niece and my sister's partner at around 5AM the morning of my departure. Awesome.)
(Said while walking into an IMAX movie in the museum after my sister wondered out loud how to silence her phone.)
~~~
Crazy Aunt: "I like chocolate...but I would not turn down anything John Stamos wanted to give me."
Me: "Ew."
(After watching this commercial during family TV time.)
~~~
Crazy Aunt: "You know who I would like to date now? A black guy to see if the myths are true."
Sister: "Okay, that's enough. Let's get ready to go."
Crazy Aunt: "Mija, didn't you date a black guy in college? What was that like? Was he...you know...."
Me: "Was he what? What do you mean?"
Crazy Aunt: "Was he well hu-"
Sister: "OKAY! Time to go to the airport"
Crazy Aunt: "I guess that's a no...well...I'd still like to date one. Have a nice trip, mijo."
(All this said in front of my 12-year-old niece and my sister's partner at around 5AM the morning of my departure. Awesome.)
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