I've heard that people who aren't ready for something will find ways to fuck it up; sometimes consciously, other times sub-consciously. I've definitely done that before. Hell, I do it now. What am I so afraid of? I don't know. Maybe that old habits have not yet died. I always fuck something up. I'm too honest or I'm not honest enough or I don't acknowledge how I feel. I stumble out of the gate or mid-race, but always in the end. And that sucks. And I know it's on me to change that. But I also...I'm just not sure I'm worth sticking it out for so how can I expect someone else to do it? I feel like I can be great, at times. Obviously it's the "at times" in that sentence that's part of the problem. I need to learn to shut my mouth sometimes. That'd go a long way in making me less of an ass.
Not long ago I got a phone call from someone I went to college with. We'd lost touch but our paths crossed again early this year. There was a definite attraction but I chose not to pursue it for several reasons. We fell out of touch again and I moved on, then I got a call from her basically asking if I was single and wanted to hook up next time we were in the same place. I'm about to pull the trigger on something else so I passed on her offer. But I was tempted to go for it and I'm upset with myself for that. Because as I was being propositioned, I was thinking about someone else. It's not that I genuinely wanted to pursue this hook up or that I feel like it's the best or right thing to do at the moment. It was more I looked at what could happen there (sex with nothing else expected of me) and compared it to what could happen with the someone else I couldn't get off my mind (hint: much more than sex), and the former is more familiar to me. It's not that the hook up is "safer" by any means, it's just that that's what I know so that's what I was tempted to gravitate towards. I'm still not sure if I'm explaining this right. I tried to explain it to the someone else I thought of and tripped over my words and couldn't articulate it correctly and it just turned into a mess. Hurt feelings were not at all my intention when I began relaying the story, but they were the result. Then the tables were turned when it was suggested that maybe I should "go out and fuck a bunch of girls" or go ahead and hook up with this chick since it seems the "safer" thing to do.
*sigh*...I shouldn't have said anything. Fuck honesty, it gets you nowhere.
