I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was actually very disturbing to me. I was sitting in this chair in the middle of an empty room and these guys dressed in all black and wearing masks were shooting the people I love, one by one. And I couldn't move and was forced to watch all this. I woke up SERIOUSLY freaked out but I didn't know what to do. I didn't wanna call anybody and wake them up just cuz I got scared by a dream so I just sat there on the edge of the bed for awhile. It was one of those dreams that seemed so real. I could feel everything that was happening. At the end of the dream, one of these guys in all black walked over to me and put this gun he'd used to kill all my loved ones to my head and it was like I could feel the metal against my head. I don't know. It was very weird and the timing was eerie. And I still can't really get any of it off my mind.
I took my daughter to the doctor this morning because she still has a cough and a weird fever that's mild in the mornings, goes away for most of the day, then rages for a few hours in the evenings. This has been going on at least every few months for almost a year now so I know it can't be a virus. But that's what the doctor continues to call it. I left the appointment livid about this dude not taking my concerns about my kid seriously and writing me off as just another paranoid parent. This is not my first time at the baby rodeo, I practically raised my brother's son. My paranoid parent phase was when my sister's oldest was born, we were 19 and every time that child breathed too loud I thought she'd contracted some kind of illness. By now, I know what's something and what's nothing in terms of illnesses. I was venting to my mom about what the doctor had said when the other line rang. I ignored it (as I often do) and asked my mom what she thought I should do now that this doc has written me off. The other line rang again and I got an alert about a voicemail but thought nothing of it until my mom interrupted the conversation to tell me that my best friend's mom has "taken a turn". I asked what that meant and my mom told me to hang up with her and call the best friend. It was the kinda call I'd hoped I would never have to make.
I wrote this back in March about five minutes after I got the news that my best friend's mom had been told her cancer had returned. I wrote this one after the news had a chance to sink in and I decided not to dwell on it because that wasn't going to help anyone. It's been one of those things that you know is coming but you never want it to. Doctors said she had a year at most and we were all hoping that she would make it another year. But I guess it wasn't meant to be. And it sucks. Obviously, you never want to lose anyone and that hurts but I think I feel more awful about not being able to do anything to make the people I love feel better. The best friend is a wreck, her father, who's like a father to me, is about to lose the love of his life and no one can do anything about it. Hell, I'm a bit of a wreck too. I don't like not being able to fix things. And if I could have any wish right now, I'd want this amazing woman's illness to go away for good and have her be able to live a longer, healthy life and watch her granddaughter grow up. If only wishing made it so, huh?
