(You know things are going fantastic when it's a two post day.)
I. Feel. Lousy. My eyes burn, my head is stuffed up. Even my ears hurt. I've eaten sparingly the past three days and I've slept even less than I've eaten. Banner days all around. Though I am exhausted, my sleepless nights have given me plenty o' time to think and write. Looking back on my writing in the light of day I've realized that most of it is either about someone in particular or about how I feel. As I write this I feel happy, almost giddy cuz I just got off the phone with somebody I love talking to. It's a weird feeling for me though because I feel like I can never really say everything I wanna say when we speak to each other. I don't know if it's just that I don't wanna sound stupid or that I get so nervous I revert into my teenager self and can't get the words out, but I hold back a little bit almost every time. But exhaustion tends to make me say (and apparently write) things I would otherwise keep inside. So I figure no time like the present to get stuff off my chest.
A decade ago at this time I was very happy and content and in love with an amazing person. We were young, but it wasn't the usual teenager type love where you're infatuated with each other but break ties when you hit hard times. It was genuine. I fell hard and fast and I didn't fight it at all cuz the way I felt with her was amazing. I still can't explain what it was but something in me knew that I would be with this person for a very long time. I wanted to marry this person and have a family with this person. And even though we were just kids, it was like we both knew what we had. Some people don't find the one they wanna do all of the major life milestone stuff with until they're 40. Some people never find it. We were 20 and had it all figured out already. Well, at least we thought we did. There's no accounting for what the universe has in store for you. Neither of us could have imagined it would end the way it did.
Obviously, getting over this relationship and the way it ended has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Actually that's a little bit of a lie because I've learned you never get over it. You just get to a point where it hurts less. And you bury the feelings you had for that person because there is no other way to deal. I couldn't un-feel those feelings. So I ignored them and convinced myself they wouldn't ever resurface. And they didn't for years. But part of that is because I spent a long time stopping my relationships from getting too serious. I would find a way out, whether it was by making her walk away or walking away myself. It's not that I expect anything or anyone to take the place of that other person, I know that will never happen and that's a standard no one should ever be held to. But the last time I was in love...I don't know, the feelings were there and it was good but it was a different kind of love.
Flash forward to this year, and the entrance of the person who makes me borderline giddy, and you'll find me taken completely by surprise. No expectations, just wonderful conversations that evolved into feelings. The thing is that those feelings snuck up on me and I had no idea what they were until it was too late to stop them (not saying I would've tried to). Then I felt vulnerable and exposed but I kinda dug it. Until I realized that these weren't your usual, 'hey, I just might like you' feelings. Instead it was those old, long buried feelings finally forcing their way to the surface. And it scares the hell out of me. I can't even emphasize how freaked out I am. And it's amazing how they just creeped up on me. By the time I realized what was going on, I had no way to stop how I felt. How I feel. I don't know how to explain it but part of me wants to give in to how I feel and knows it's okay to feel the way I do. But the other part wants to cut and run and protect myself. But I guess that's expected of someone with my history.
So, what things do I wanna say but often hold back? Well, for one, I don't think I've ever said that I would feel a pretty gut-wrenching loss if this person exited my life (but that's not to say I wouldn't understand their reasons for doing so). I'm not sure they know that. Another thing would be that I like the way she makes me feel. I can't really explain what that feeling is other than really, really good. Anything I've ever told her has been listened to and taken in and accepted, no matter how ridiculous it is. I like that and I've rarely had that happen to me before. I rarely (if ever) say things that cross my mind when we're in conversation. Like how amazing she is as a person. She's beautiful and smart and makes me laugh like few others. I only ever wish the best for her because she deserves it. I still have a lot to say but I'm finding it difficult to put into words. So this will have to do for now.
