Non-Sleeper

I mentioned some feelings I've been having lately to a friend and they told me they don't understand how I could be both happy and terrified at the same time. That fear shouldn't co-exist with happiness. True, that's probably how functional people handle their feelings. But that's not how we dysfunctional self-sabotagers roll. I've been feeling that familiar push of self-sabotage trying to come to the surface lately and keeping in in check has been more difficult than I imagined. But, so far, I'm doing an okay job of not giving into it. I am in the midst of a restless night. Thinking about how I feel, beyond happy and terrified, and a bunch of other feelings came up. I'm worried about the possibilities. I get anxiety thinking about the possibilities. And not like a little anxiety but almost full on anxiety attacks, which I haven't had in at least a couple years. That's a little scary too. Okay, the anxiety freaks me the hell out. And maybe all those feelings happening at once doesn't make any sense. But I can't help how I feel. I don't know, maybe none of this post makes sense. Just thinking out loud...