So...I went to bed at around 11:30PM (and if you know me, you know how rare of an occurrence this is) and was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up at 4AM and my throat was on fire and I have no idea why. Relaying this story to my family this morning, the general consensus is that it probably has to do with my inhaling drywall dust (my mom joked I need to get into a program because she won't have a son who "snorts drywall dust"). My mom and my sister both reminded me that they'd each told me to wear a mask while I was working (the women in my life love to say, "I told you so" when I occasionally (read: constantly) ignore their advice) and that I got what was coming to me for not listening to them. It was kinda fitting that that is how my day began though. Because today I had to say goodbye to another woman who's been a big part of my life almost from day one. And it sucked.
I don't like seeing anyone I love in pain of any kind, whether it be physical or emotional. I'm sure most people would say the same thing but it really weighs on me when someone I care about is unwell. Until now, I've never had to deal with knowing that someone close to me is dying. All of my losses have been sudden and/or traumatic. I'm not sure which is better. At least this time I'm able to say goodbye and get everything I need to out I guess. But that still has not made it any better or any easier. I know this is the way it's supposed to happen, parents dying before their kids do, but that sure doesn't make it any better. You always assume that the people you love are gonna be there forever, even though you know better. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that this person I had a conversation with this morning, as well as many other conversations over the past 30 years, is just gonna be gone soon.
I was nervous when I walked into the room to see her because I had no idea what to say. Would it be okay to joke around? Am I supposed to "officially" say my goodbyes now? It was all so foreign. Eventually I settled in and we started talking, mostly reminiscing about better days. She brought up my first kiss (which was with her daughter) and how my brother saw it and proceeded to tell EVERYONE that my best friend and I were in love. Her dad got all excited and made a comment about how great it would be if we ended up together someday and her mom brought him back down to earth by saying that we were only 12 and had a ways to go before we started thinking about ending up with anyone. Then she started talking about how happy she was that she lived to see both of us become parents and handle turning 30. And how she hope we both decide to have more kids because we're good parents. She mentioned that she was happy to be able to see her daughter get married, even if the marriage didn't stick. Then she looked at me and said she wasn't surprised she had not seen me walk down an aisle. And that she thinks even if she lived another 60 years, she still wouldn't get to see me walk down an aisle. It provided a much needed laugh. I left not long after but not because I wanted to.
Having digested my feelings for awhile now...I still don't know how to feel. I don't know how I should feel right now. I have this awful pain in the pit of my stomach that I feel like is gonna be there until I get the call that she's gone. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel when that actually happens. Part of me still can't believe that that was the last time I'll ever see or talk to her. All of me is pissed off that I can't do anything about it. It's just gonna happen. I wish it didn't have to happen. Yeah...not a good day.
