Welcome To The Family!...On Second Thought, Nevermind

My cousin finally became engaged to his on-again/off-again girlfriend of six years last night. We all love her to deatg and were hoping they'd get it on track and she would officially become part of the family. However, we're now having second thoughts after the acceptance speech she gave in the kitchen this morning:

"Thank you. I look forward to changing my name and, also to learning all of yours before completely alienating you from both our lives. Happy holidays!"

Awesome.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

I have been home two days and all of this hilarity has ensued. Enjoy.
======


(After seeing a bell ringer outside a store who looked like a pirate)

Cousin's wife: "He looks like...who's that guy on the Captain Morgan label?"
Me: "I believe that would be Captain Morgan"
======

Crazy Aunt: "As soon as you land mijo, we have to go shopping for Christmas gifts. Then we have to come home and move furniture and clean for company."
Me: "...I don't live here anymore, I AM company."
Crazy Aunt: "No no no, we have to clean for better company."

======
(While building an entertainment center for my niece's new TV)

Me: "Is the hammer still in this drawer?"
Uncle: "Yeah, it should be. I thought you already finished that?"
Me: "I finished screwing but now I have to hammer."
Cousin: "Didn't you have to both hammer and screw on the last thing you built too?"
Me: "Yep. Most furniture requires hammering and screwing."
Uncle: "Don't hurt yourself while hammering."
Cousin: "It is more dangerous than screwing."
Me: "Which is why I screw regularly but only hammer occasionally."

======

Friend: Whatcha doin'?
Me: I just finished Christmas shopping
Me: I hate people
Friend: LOL
Me: In the stores! Not the people I'm shopping for! lol

======

(After paying off some woman's layaway tab at Wal-Mart)

Me: She seemed all kindsa shocked that someone would do that for her
Sister: Well maybe she was confused. You look like the kinda guy whose g-string she should be stuffing money into. Not one she should be getting money from.

======

(While watching "A Very Brady Christmas" at 2AM for no reason whatsoever)

Brother: "This is lame, can we watch something else?"

Cousin: "No! This is the perfect holiday movie. It's about a bunch of white kids who grew up in the burbs and had dreams and shit then became adults who got fucked over by life. Cindy can't trap herself a man. Jan married a gay man. Peter's a slut who prob has syphilis. Bobby is ugly. Greg's wife doesn't put out and hates his family."

Brother: "What about Marsha?"

Me: "She married a man named Wally. Life screwed her over too."

Cousin: "Probably worse than the rest of them, honestly."

Brother: "Enough said."

Aunt: "Better syphilis than a Wally."

======

Me: Well what the hell do we do now that the world hasn't ended? I was so looking forward to the horsemen or zombies or something.
Me: Now I'm like a kid whose dad said he'd see them on Friday but then the dude never showed up.
Friend: LOL
Friend: Both are assholes for not showing up

======

Friend: I am not so sure of that anymore
Me: Sure of what?
Friend: Of you loving me
Me: Seriously?
Friend: Nope.
Me: Good. Bc I ALWAYS love you more today than yesterday
Me: And now that we know there will be a tomorrow, I'll love you more then
Friend: LOL yeah...suck it Mayans!

======

More to come in the next week, I'm sure. I adore these goofballs.

Mad World

It's been a week since the tragic shootings at Newtown, Connecticut's Sandy Hook Elementary School but it has gotten any easier to reconcile in my brain what happened. It's amazing how desensitized we all are these days to rampage shootings. At the time of Columbine we all sat riveted to our television screens because we couldn't believe what was unfolding before our very eyes. Now, we sit riveted because we can't believe "it" happened yet again. "It" being another shooting by a troubled young man in a public location, resulting in the loss of several innocent lives. I think it is because of this desensitization that I only half paid attention on Friday morning when a news headline spoke of a school shooting. I glanced at the headline but didn't have time to click the story because I had to take a phone call. In the middle of that call I turned on the TV and realized it was a shooting at an elementary school, not a college or a high school as I'd assumed, and it took a minute for that to sink in. Actually it took...well, it still hasn't really sunk in. How could anyone target 6 and 7-year-olds with that kind of rage and violence? They were just babies with no sense of what was going on, and they should never have had to experience something so heinous. There should be no such thing as a 7-year-old survivor of a rampage shooting, nor a 6-year-old murder victim. And it really makes you wonder about this world we're living on and whether we are indeed in the end times. Children being brutally gunned down for (as far as we know right now) no reason has to be some kind of sign.
It seems like only a few months ago that I was writing my post about the Aurora theater shootings, which took place not far from where I grew up. That's probably because it WAS a handful of months ago. And that right there is the brightest, redest flag that should serve as a wake-up call for this country. The NRA, usually the first ones to release a statement defending the right to bear arms after these incidents, went has gone silent in the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting. The reason being that there is no defense this time. Children were killed. Children were hunted by this psycho with a semi-automatic weapon. All of these shootings are tragic but you have to be a different kind of evil to shoot kids. And the NRA would have to be a special kind of stupid to defend that. True to form, they showed us just how special they are by demanding an armed cop be in every school in America, after blaming everything but guns for the shooting. According to the head idiot of the NRA, of these shooters knew there were armed officers at schools, they wouldn't even consider going in there with a gun of their own. Right. I'm sure that would solve everything. This guy had a semi-automatic weapon and attacked a school that has some of the best security in the country. Even if a cop had been posted there, he would have only needed to case the school for a week or so to determine where the officer was and what weapon he was carrying. Then he could've proceeded the exact same way, shooting the cop on his way in and continuing on his rampage. Someone who decides to commit this kind of crime is already so twisted in the head that they're not going to care if a cop is there or not. And it is completely ridiculous to even consider giving teachers guns. Even if they are trained to use them properly, the chances are still higher that they'll shoot a student or co-worker accidentally, or that a student will get a hold of a gun and injure themselves or others. Not to mention, I would not send my child to a school where anyone had access to a weapon of any kind.
We always say the latest incidence of mass murder will change things, laws will be written and guns will be more difficult to obtain. But then the news moves on to another story and we all forget about it until the next shooting happens. The same is true this time around, but it will likely go the way of all the other calls for change and we'll all be trying to make sense of another tragedy in three months or six months or a year. Lawmakers will claim that the reason nothing changes is because they meet resistance over tightening gun laws, primarily from Republicans and rednecks who whine about their right to bear arms. But this country was in a very different place when that right was given to us. It was a time when there was no police force and people kept guns to protect themselves from others. We no longer need that. We need to ban automatic weapons across the country and put those who wish to purchase guns under the microscope before they are allowed one. Currently, every state has different guidelines and waiting periods when it comes to buying firearms. New York has a ninety day waiting period, while California has banned automatic weapons altogether. Gun shows are popular places to get weapons because most do not have any kind of waiting period (guns purchased from a show were used in the Columbine killings). It really puts things in perspective when you realize that 21 U.S. states require waiting periods of 24 to 72 hours before you can marry (after obtaining a marriage license), yet in most U.S. states you can apply for a gun, purchase it and potentially shoot someone all in less than a day. You have to wait to commit your life to someone you love but not to take the life of someone you hate. There needs to be a complete overhaul of gun laws in this country. You should have to pass a mental health check that not only looks at your medical records but also delves into whether you've ever been involuntarily committed or come close to it. That should be a standard part of a background check when someone wants to purchase a weapon, and it should apply to gun shops, pawn shops AND gun shows. To make sure they comply, you impose stiff penalties for failure to adhere to the law. For example, if you illegally sell a gun that is used in the commission of one of these mass killings, you should be held just as responsible as the person who committed the crime. Of course, all of this has to actually happen and not just remain a topic of discussion until Sandy Hook falls out of the media spotlight. And that's the challenge.
We'll never know if different gun laws would have changed or prevented the loss of life at Sandy Hook, but some of the details that have come out so far are disturbing. Apparently the mother of the shooter was aware he had mental issues and did not like to leave him alone. If that's the case, one has to wonder why she didn't have some sort of security measures in place for his own safety and for hers? Why was she keeping weapons in a house that was already not quite safe? Why did she teach her mentally ill son to shoot guns when she likely knew it is illegal for those with mental issues to own them? Clearly he didn't just snap and decide to do this, it required planning. You don't destroy the hard drive of your computer just for kicks or in a fit of rage, it takes time to remove that and quite a bit of effort to smash it to pieces. Worst of all is that it seems like there may be no clear cut motive for his actions. Early on, the media said his mother worked at the school or that he had attended the school and that may have been part of the motive, but both of those have since been recanted. It seems as though the same profile always emerges of these people who commit mass murder; in their 20's, usually white, described as nerds or outcasts or "weird", book smart but socially awkward and most all of them are from quaint suburban towns - Littleton, Aurora, Newtown. You always hear the same thing about how people never thought it could happen where they live. But if I lived in a suburb, I wouldn't find it difficult at all to believe because those ares seem to be more susceptible to this kind of violence. I grew up in the inner-city and never worried this kind of thing, even after Columbine. Maybe a part of it happening in the suburbs is people having nothing better to do in such a quiet town than hang out with friends and get drunk and play Call of Duty or other first-person shooter games. But that's not the deciding factor because there are obviously thousands of kids who grow up in these towns and deal with the same boredom and never commit a crime. That's where mental illness and bad parenting come in. The Columbine gunmen built pipe bombs right under their parents' noses in their bedrooms and, although their parents had no advanced knowledge of the crime, they suspected it may be their children who were involved when they heard about it. They knew something was off but did nothing about it. Hell, even going into their rooms and poking around may have saved countless lives and averted disaster. I couldn't bring a paper clip into my room as a teenager without marking it down in our household inventory, forget about weapons or alcohol or anything else I wasn't supposed to have. The Sandy Hook gunman was an adult but it seems as though he was still living at home and, if his mother was as concerned as others have said, maybe she should've kept a more watchful eye on what he was up to in her house.
At the end of the day it's about the victims, who happen to be children in this case. I can't imagine how terrible it is to lose a child, especially after having dropped them off at what should be one of the safest places. It's terrible for this kind of thing to happen at anytime of the year but a week before Christmas has got to make it even worse. If you had gifts under the tree for that child, what do you do with them now? Remove them and keep them wrapped in a closet? If you lost your only child or your only child of that age, it's going to be awful to remove the car seat they used to occupy everyday. That's something that should be a proud moment when you're celebrating your little one being not so little anymore. But it won't be in this case. I understand one of the boys who died left behind a twin sister who didn't quite understand what had happened to her brother. I get worried if I don't hear from my sister for hours, I couldn't function or survive if she was suddenly just gone forever. I wouldn't understand that now and I'm 31, nevermind trying to comprehend it at age 7. Having experience with trauma and the sudden loss of someone I loved, I've always felt like it was worse for those left behind. Yes, the person is gone but the rest of us have to deal with so many emotions, the shock of what just happened and the realization that you will never see that person's face or hear that person's voice again. I saw an interview with the boyfriend of one of the teachers who was killed and it was like looking in a mirror a decade ago. The poor guy was understandably devastated and couldn't stop crying. They had only been together a year but he said he was jealous of those who had her much longer than he did. It was an odd feeling to be able to know the exact swirl of emotions that were inside him. And to know what lies ahead as he deals with all of those emotions. It won't be easy for anyone to move on. But hopefully those 20 children and 6 adults deaths will not be in vain and change actually will come.

You Wanna Give It A Go

The other day in conversation with a friend, I quoted the lyrics of "Lady Marmalade" (ain't no shame either!).  The opportunity to use those same lyrics came up again via IM but iPhone derailed me in spectacular fashion...

You Really Can't Be Serious If You Have To Ask Me Why, I Say Goodbye

Well, guess who finally grew a pair and told the she-devil who has had WAY too much control over him the last year and a half to hit the bricks? Ok, I'll tell you, it's me. And if ever there were a perfect time to do it, today was the day. Twice in the past week I've had medical issues and neither time did I get any sympathy from her. The first time she didn't care because a friend's father had just died and that took precedence over my silly little medical issue. The second time she actually talked to me about the medical stuff for a few, before saying she had to go because a friend had shown up at her door and they had to talk. I half understood that because the friend's mother is going through some stuff but the way she went about leaving the convo, by just saying 'gotta go, bye' and then hanging up put me over the edge. No, 'let's talk later' or 'get some rest and let me know how you're doing', just 'oh, someone better came along so I'm gonna go, later'. And I'm so fucking sick of that shit. I'm sick of being there when she needs someone and being cast out when she doesn't. I'm sick of feeling like such a damn burden. I'm sick of not being listened to, only to have her turn everything around on me so that she's the one who gets the apology. I don't know how anyone can be so ice cold to a person they claim to love. When I thought there might be some hope here, I texted her about talking things out. All she kept asking is whether or not I'm bowing out of us. I refused to answer that via text and said I'd rather we talk when she had time. The response spoke volumes. I got back silence. No more texts at all. So I called and listened to the phone ring to voicemail. I called again and she actually answered, sounding like she was in quite the jovial mood, but the phone cut off before I could say anything. I called yet again, no answer. Again, no answer. I gave myself a deadline of calling only until the top of the hour, and got no answer over and over again. And I know she was getting the calls because some were sent to voicemail after a few rings. As all this is unfolding, there are no texts saying she's busy and we'll talk later. No texts saying not to call anymore for whatever reason. Nothing. And I'm tired of nothing. It's all I've ever gotten from her. Twenty minutes after my last call she texted with' "What? I told you I was in a meeting". Right, you're in a "meeting" at midnight. I don't buy that for a second. I never responded to the texts, as far as I'm concerned she officially cut the cord when she chose not to answer the phone. Ice fucking cold til the end.
I went completely soft in this relationship and I'll never understand why. It's not like she's so amazing that it's worth the pain and the fighting. She didn't even offer me something I couldn't get elsewhere and it certainly was not the safest, most secure relationship I've ever been in. Why I wasn't able to walk away sooner baffles me. I know it used to be guilt; I felt bad leaving her to deal with all the negative crap in her life all by herself. Her family is a mess, most of her friends are fair-weather, and she hasn't landed a full-time gig since before we even began. That's the reason I didn't end it around this time a year ago, I still cared and wanted to be there for her. But the last six months or so (and maybe longer)...I don't know. It hasn't been about guilt. The dynamic has changed quite a bit between us. All of a sudden she got brave or something and a switch flipped that caused her to think she can do and say whatever she wants to me, no matter how abhorrent. And I've taken it. Because, every now and then, I remember how things used to be and I wish they were that way again. Until common sense makes an appearance, usually right around the time she's yelling at me about something. And I realize things will never be good again. I'm not happy and haven't been for some time. I've felt trapped 50% of the time and suffocated the other 50%. It's largely my own fault, I know. Even though I cared about her, I still had the power to not get sucked into her drama all the time. I could've said no, could've changed my number and erased her from my life. Hell, I tried. But I still could not slip her grasp. It's like I needed to get all the way into apathy mode before I finally understood it was time to go. And I've noticed it happening for months now. I've slowly stopped caring about things I used to ask her about and issues I used to want to help her work out. And that really hit home a few weeks ago when she threatened to hang up on me mid-argument and I told her I honestly wouldn't care if she did. I could tell it caught her off guard, that she was realizing the hold she had on me was slipping. Since then she's only had two settings - nasty or nastier. But then I guess she's always only had two settings, either she's a bully or she's a victim, sometimes all within the span of a few seconds. It was fascinating to watch but too much drama to deal with. In the end, we were both just getting by. She'd call when she needed something and I'd listen to her problems. She'd listen to mine and give this BS about wanting to be there for me and how we're a team. But once she was done breaking down, she'd go back to her oh so busy life and that was that.
So many things about her both fascinate and confuse me. She claims I demand so much from her, but that's never been the case. I've noticed subtle changes in the way we deal with each other and that is what I've tried to point out to her. We used to be somewhat functional and give each other a heads up about things. If she was gonna be out all night and not be able to talk, she'd say as much and everything was fine. Even if she was out til two, she'd still text before she went to sleep. Now she just disappears for hours and rarely texts me when she gets home from her nights out. When she finally does text the following day and I express disappointment about having not heard from her, she goes all dramatic and says I'm high maintenance. Then she talks about how she's not sure she can handle how high my expectations of her are. I'm sorry but I've NEVER had a relationship where asking for a single text was considered "high maintenance", or was such an unreasonable thing to expect. It's a matter of making sure you're, you know, alive after your nights out. But she made me seem like I wanted to clock her every move, which couldn't be further from the truth. The kicker is that when the shoe is on the other foot and I go MIA for hours, I get ten texts asking if I'm out hooking up with someone. Or at least I used to, back when she cared. Now she can't even be bothered to text that. She'll ask to talk later in the day, then tell me she's hanging with a friend at 7 and never text me again. Then she gets bent when I'm unable to talk the next night because I have plans. Yet I'M the one who demands too much. It makes no sense. The irony is that at the moment, I've never expected less from her. I don't expect "let's talk later for sure" to ever pan out. I know I won't wake up to a single text from her, even if she knows I was having medical issues the night before. I no longer buy into anything she's selling because I now know just what a terrible investment that is. And the more she claims this person she's become isn't her, the less I believe it.
So where do we stand now? Well, I'm on the, "don't give a fuck" side of the fence that she's still on top of. We had it out in nasty fashion the other day and she tried to impose some kind of deadline on us deciding whether we're together or not. But I don't do ultimatums. I leave for home in a week's time and will be gone the rest of the year. She swears up and down that if we're not a couple by this weekend, she's walking away. And that sounds eerily familiar to the ultimatum she issued this same time last year...that was followed by a second ultimatum around New Years Eve. However this holiday season seems to have brought with it the gift of apathy, so maybe she'll stick to her guns. If she does, then great. If she doesn't, then I guess I will have to actually block her number to avoid getting sucked back into the abyss again.

The Last One To Know, The Last One To Show, I Was The Last One You Thought You'd See There

Well I just had a banner day yesterday. I had a falling out with one friend, an interesting conversation with another that left me feeling terrible and, to top it all off, my cousin got himself a little drunk and crashed his ex-girlfriend's birthday party. (And Crazy Aunt is apparently the one who drove him to the party.) I'd rather not talk about the friend stuff, hopefully it works itself out, so let's indulge in a bit of escapism and analyze someone else's problem, shall we?
I don't even know what to say about the party crashers.  My cousin and this chick dated something like seven years, he was about to propose when she said she didn't want to get married. Months later, she gets engaged to some random dude and the cousin is devastated but takes it as his cue to move on. A few months after that, her engagement ends and he thinks that maybe they do have a future together, but neither of them reaches out to the other. Then he hears that she's dating some new dude and goes completely off the deep end. He spends the evening at dinner with the fam and finally lets out all that he's been keeping in; about how he's pissed off that she ended things the way she did, how he wishes he'd had the balls to tell her off before they officially parted and every other thing he wanted to say but didn't. So Crazy Aunt gets the idea of telling her all of those things now while he's filled with liquid courage. He's still in contact with her sister so he already knew the birthday party was going on, he just needed to find out where. For some reason, her sister told him this information and he and Crazy Aunt piled into the car and away they went.
Crazy Aunt and rhe cousin get to the party and he goes in and begins telling off his ex in front of everybody. His speech is slurred and she goes from shocked to upset about what's happening. She tries to talk him down outside the view of the party goers but he only gets louder. Her parents, who never really cared for him to begin with, call the cops. Fortunately, the officer who responded is a family friend and he just escorts the cousin home in the back of his cruiser while giving him a lecture. He's very lucky that all he got was a lecture. I just feel bad for him. He's an awesome dude and she kinda screwed him over in the end but he still loves her. He's tried to move on but hasn't found anything substantial in the last year or so and that sends him into this mode of feeling like he'll never find anyone. After a very long conversation he's decided to take a break from dating for awhile. He's not over her and until he is, there's no point in trying to build something with anyone else. I hope it works out for him. He deserves to find someone awesome.

Don't They Know It's The End Of The World

Now that we are T-minus twenty days until the end of the world (get excited!), there are a million shows on TV about prepping for the supposed big day. Some are about what we know will happen (solar flares), others are about various predictions made about the end of the world. History Channel had a mini-series last month about the various types of predictions that have been made throughout history. Each hour focused on a different person or group of people and their end of days predictions; the Mayans, Nostradamus, the Hopi and the Book of Revelation. The Mayan prediction is very well known and what many people think of when they hear our supposed expiration date of December 21, 2012. The other predictions I'd heard before but the special shed more light on some of them. The Hopi believe we're nearing the end of the "fourth world" and that the beginning of the end will be signaled by a blue star. What that star is, or if it's even actually a star, is not written. It may have already happened or it may be forthcoming. Nostradamus (whose predictions I'm very familiar with) believed the world would end with a great shaking, which could be an earthquake or could be a number of other things. The Book of Revelation is essentially the crazies guide to the end of the world but it also makes some good points. According to Revelation, the end of the world will consist of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It begins with the arrival of the Anti-Christ (white horse), followed by war (red horse), famine (black horse) and finally the fourth horse which is pale and brings with it death. Sounds pleasant, doesn't it? So we have earthquakes, nuclear war, bio-terrorism, meteors, comets (more deadly than meteors, apparently), solar flares, volcanoes, tsunamis, and Jesus all in the running for the title of world ender. Any one of those things would be terrible and some of them seem like plots out of bad sci-fi movies but according to these science dudes, all are actually plausible and very possible. If you saw 'Contagion' (btw, don't see that if you're a germaphobe. I'm not one but that movie turned me into one for about a month), then you know how easy it would be to spread a disease that takes us all out in record time. If you're a space nerd then you know we wouldn't be able to see a comet in time to do anything to stop it from destroying us, and you know that even a small solar flare could devastate our technology for years (flares have hit in South Africa and Canada in the past and they've still yet to fully recover). No matter what the predictions, most refer to this event as 'the end of the world as we know it', which can mean many things. Maybe we all die at once, maybe we're just plunged back into the caveman days with no technology.
I'm a bit of a junkie when it comes to shows about the end of the world. I don't know why it fascinates me so much, it's not exactly the happiest topic to read up on, but I'll watch pretty much anything on the History Channel that talks about it. All of these shows have something in common besides the apocalypse - they all show people preparing for the end of the world. They call themselves "preppers", and no two are planning for the same disaster. Some strike me as buckets full of crazy, others as religious nuts but some just seem like regular people. At least until you see the shelter they've built in their basement and the stash of guns they have in their closet. They all have these backpacks they call "bug out bags", which they say they can grab and go should it all come down tomorrow. They have weapons and medical supplies and enough food for a varying number of days, the assumption being that they'll be to a safe destination in a few days or a few weeks. Some have built shelters underground in the wilderness or the desert (and none of them will disclose the location, less all of us unprepared folk try to find them) with air chambers and enough food and water for months. Some are teaching their kids how to shoot guns (and we're talking kids as young as 9 in some cases) and kill and gut animals and live off the land. Others are growing gardens in their backyards so they will have access to food. Most say that they will not help their neighbors or anyone else who isn't a member of their household when the end comes. These people have spent thousands of dollars on being prepared. What they're preparing for, none of them is exactly sure. But most have a single doomsday scenario in mind; a volcano or a nuclear war or a super bug. They all seem obsessive about preparing for their chosen disaster, to the point where their kids are outcasts at school because of how their parents are choosing to prep. But I can't help but wonder how some are missing common sense errors in their planning. So you have a garden in the backyard and can grow all your own food and raise fish and chickens. What happens if you have to go underground because something happens to make the air toxic? Dead. You have a car all gassed up and a map of where you and your family will drive to as soon as it's time to leave. What if you can't get in that car or can't get to your destination at all? Your backpacks aren't going to keep you alive very long if that's the case. You built yourself the best little bomb shelter known to man in the desert in Vegas and it'll comfortably accommodate you, your son and your wife. That's great but even if you survive and are able to come up above ground in a few months (or years), you won't be able to repopulate the earth by yourselves and there's no guarantee anyone else who survived will be near your location. There's even less of a chance that you'll have any mode of transportation available to take you to any other survivors. God forbid (literally, in this case) that you prepped for the wrong disaster and you die anyway without even having a chance to "bug out". Making it through the end of days is great and all but there will be some major cons to the one pro of survival.
The one thing I was struck by in these specials was what one of the experts said about fear. He talked about how even if the majority of people on earth are spared from an initial event, it wouldn't be long before things spiraled out of control because no one is rational when they're living in fear. When people don't know what's happening next, and especially when they don't know where their next meal is coming from, their actions are all guided by fear and fear is not rational. People will do awful things to others in order to ensure their own survival. There are a couple episodes of "The Twilight Zone" that are actually as relevant today as they were when they originally aired in the early 60's. The first is called, "The Shelter" and begins with a group of suburbanites having a dinner party thrown for their friend, a doctor. A few jokes are made about the doctor having spent many late nights building a fallout shelter in his basement, this being a time when nuclear war was thought to be imminent. The son of the shelter-building doc hears an announcement on the radio about unidentified objects being headed for the U.S. and panic ensues in the neighborhood. The doctor hustles his wife and son into the shelter and is preparing to close the door when his ill-prepared neighbors and party guests come back begging to be let into the tiny shelter. He only has provisions for his own family, so the doc offers up his basement for his friends but refuses them entry into the shelter. Things get ugly when everyone starts trying to barter their way into safety, throwing each other under the bus and throwing out reasons why they are the best candidate to live while the others face certain death. The angry neighbors end up literally knocking down the door of the shelter as the radio broadcasts that the objects were nothing more than satellites and there is no danger or reason to take shelter. One crisis was averted but another is just beginning as these people are now forced to reevaluate their relationships and their behavior. The second relevant episode is one of my favorites and is called, "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street". It is also set in suburbia and begins with an object passing over the neighborhood, followed by a flash of light and then a massive loss of all power. Soon, everyone begins panicking about what the object was and why they lost power, a panic made even worse when a neighborhood boy tells of his comic books having had a similar incident that took place before an alien invasion, and how the aliens were disguised as humans. Stranger things begin to happen; lights go on and off in one house, another neighbors' car starts up by itself, and it becomes a full-on witch-hunt as they try to figure out just who among them is the alien. Things reach a fever pitch when more houses have lights go on and off, lawnmowers start by themselves and every other device seems to go crazy without reason. As the panic continues, the camera pans up to a hill overlooking the neighborhood where there are, in fact, aliens taking in the entire scene. They have been manipulating the power as part of an experiment to find out what the easiest way to conquer Earth would be. They conclude that all they need to do is let Earth's inhabitants destroy themselves. And the reason everyone flies off the handle? Fear.
There are many more episodes of "The Twilight Zone" that deal with end of the world themes but those two are the most relevant to what's going on today. People assume that humanity will take care of itself if anything terrible were to happen, but there really is no reason to believe that. Yes, there have been stories of people helping each other and sacrificing for total strangers in the event of an emergency. And no doubt there will be people who sacrifice themselves for others in the event of the biggest catastrophe of all. But the vast majority of people will be out for themselves and their families and will try to survive by any means necessary. Of course, all this is assuming that there really is some sort of major even later this month. I'm no expert, nor a prepper but my gut tells me that all of this is probably much ado about nothing. Will the world end at some point? Of course it will, it's inevitable. Everything that has a beginning has an ending. But I don't know that our time is up just yet. According to Revelation, the Anti-Christ has to first coax the world (yes, the entire world) into accepting a universal government and universal religion. It is only after that happens and he or she has complete power that they will be able to reveal themselves as the Anti-Christ, prompting the other three Horsemen to come on down and do their thing. We're not there yet and we won't get there in the next twenty-one days, so there's some good news I guess. Solar flares are supposed to happen and may affect things but just how bad the effects remains to be seen. I wouldn't be surprised if we are actually living our our final act right now but I don't think we're days or weeks away from the world being over. Then again, a comet could enter our atmosphere tomorrow and hit the bullseye on the 21st. And it is kinda scary that that is actually possible. But what good is it to live in fear and waste what may be your last days worrying about survival? If it is the end of days then no one, no matter how prepared, will be left out of the carnage. The preppers will continue to prep and the rest of us will continue to on about our lives, rarely thinking about the end of the world. Ignorance is bliss, they say. But consider this: I've already paid off all my bills for the year AND almost finished my Christmas shopping, both things that I typically do not get done until like December 24th at 11:00PM, if that. So it may really be the end after all, kids.

Everything I Like Is: Illegal, Seductive, Addictive, Amoral, Corrosive, Destructive

In my Thanksgiving post I talked about how I've become a lightweight when it comes to alcohol (although last night I was able to hold my liquor quite well so who knows what's going on). My family's alcohol tolerance is legendary, we can all knock back several drinks with no hangovers in sight. But, for a number of reasons, my tolerance has been lowered. And I'm not really upset about that. When I began drinking (around 18), I didn't get what the attraction was. Beer was disgusting and other liquor burned my mouth. The only thing I liked was liqueurs and I drank mostly because those around me were drinking and I wanted to fit in. Of course I became very familiar with alcohol in my twenties and drank purely because of the escapism it provided. The taste no longer mattered, nor did the effects it had on my brain or body. Once I straightened out my act and got off the drug and drink, I began to realize I didn't miss the drinking. Nowadays, I tend to only drink socially and even then I don't drink much. Although I will admit to being prone to whipping out a bottle of Jack on really terrible days. (And go figure, now I actually like the taste of it.) But now that I'm aware of how low my tolerance is I stop at one drink, if that. I'm actually a very happy drunk when I've had too much but I still don't like to be out of control in that way. I also am not a fan of talking to people after they've had too much to drink. It doesn't matter if they also get happy or mean or whatever, I just don't care for being in that situation. And I know a big reason for that is because hearing people out of it reminds me of negative things.
It's hard to believe my surrogate grandmother has been gone five years now. For some reason I've missed her and thought about her a lot more the last month or so. I've talked about her last years before so I'll just go over the cliff notes in this post. I spent my summers at her house while mom was at work and, at the time, she was an amazingly sweet and patient woman. We'd all pile into her Cadillac (she loved those cars) and go cruising and hear her tell stories about her very colorful past. It was awesome. But something changed for her later in life. The grand kids went away and she was left with a tiny, empty house that she shared with her longtime boyfriend, and it wasn't a happy relationship. He cheated on her (the entire relationship, I'm sure, but it became much more obvious later in life) and spent their money on stupid shit and alcohol. Once I got out of college and started working full-time I would send her money to help out. We'd talk every week and I'd make sure SHE was the one using the money for necessities and not giving it to him. A few years later we began to talk less while I was on my own substance-fueled odyssey. And I regret that immensely because it seemed to contribute to her eventual downfall. She began drinking liters of booze a day and smoking like a train. That's all she did was lay in bed depressed all day, smoking and drinking. When I started trying to make a habit out of calling again I sent her some cash and called to make sure she got it. The convo was okay for awhile and then she began slurring her words. I asked if she was okay and she said she was fine so I chalked it up as a one time thing. If only it had been a one time thing. I continued to call for the next few weeks and she became less and less coherent on the other end of the phone. It killed me to hear her that way and I made the decision to stop sending money to help out. I knew it was going towards liquor anyway. And she couldn't put a full sentence together when we talked so I also stopped calling. Months later I got the call that she'd been found unresponsive in her bed, liquor bottles strewn about the house. She was taken to the hospital and kept on life support for a few days but on reality she was dead before the ambulance even arrived. I had the chance to see her before they took her off life support but opted not to go. I didn't want to remember her that way. I wanted to remember her as the awesome woman from my childhood, and most days I do. Thinking about the way her life ended only depresses me. She deserved so much better. She always lived for her family but few of them even went home to see her after she passed away.
Around the same time I was dealing with my grandmother's issues, I was also dealing with one of my best friends since childhood spiraling deeper into addiction. his downfall had begun years earlier when he began drinking too much and then dabbling in various drugs. For a long time he thought I didn't know what was going on and had the sense not to call or text me when he was using. But he began slipping up and calling while completely out of his mind. At first it made me angry to hear him like that, he's such a beautiful human being when he's sober and himself. But then it just made me really sad to hear him slurring his speech and talking about random things that didn't make sense. But I still always answered the calls because I worried about what would happen if I didn't. As long as he was babbling to me, I knew he wasn't doing drugs or out putting himself at risk in any other way. It finally took me scaring the bejesus out of him for him to check into rehab. He got sober and I couldn't be prouder of him now. It was by no means an easy road, he fell off the wagon twice and the possibility of it happening again is still there (and scares the hell out of me). But he's doing amazing right now. He's married and welcomed his first child, a daughter, this week. In a way, he and grandma have worked out to be the yin and the yang. She's a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't pull yourself out of the hole, and he's the success story of what happens when you do. It's a long road to recovery but the alternative is literally a dead end.
I'm certainly not one to judge others over drinking. I spent the majority of my twenties acting out in reckless, and potentially dangerous, ways. I have plenty of self-destructive tendencies and a habit of giving in to those tendencies on the really bad days. Fortunately, I also have amazing willpower and am able to get myself back in check before sh-t really hits the fan. I've always been very aware that alcoholism runs in my family and I'm determined not to become just another statistic. I know it's a minor miracle I came out of my twenties relatively unscathed. )Still fucked up, mind you, but not as messed up or damaged as I could've been.) And I know not everyone has the willpower to pull themselves out of the rabbit hole. Some fortunate souls don't even have to worry about the rabbit hole because addiction isn't a branch on their family tree. My motivation now to not get outta control is that I have a kid and my actions no longer only affect me. And truthfully that's probably the only thing that could've ever reeled me in and made me keep all of my self-destructive tendencies in check. Although my resolve was strengthened after grandma died. She was always so proud of me and so supportive of my interest in film. I felt like I owed it to her to straighten up and be someone she would still be proud of if she were here. I hope I can get to that point eventually.

Have Some More Turkey, Eat You Some Pie

This year marked the first year in...well, ever that I have not been able to go home for Thanksgiving (because of that jackass subletter holding my money hostage, but I digress). It was an extremely depressing thing once I did the math and knew I couldn't go home but things didn't end up being as terrible as I thought. And in hindsight, it's a good thing I didn't splurge on plane tickets home because I needed that cash for other things (and no, not for hookahs). I ended up spending the day with some family; four cousins, the teenager and my brother-in-law. We basically made the same spread that we usually have when we go home but there were some major differences in our feast. For one, nothing really went wrong. If you've read here for awhile you know that my family's turkey days are infamous for one or more things going wrong. The last five years or so, we've eaten at like 8pm because of one issue or another. Prior to that, my cousin came out just before we sat down to the dinner table. Our family holidays are always entertaining but, as we all advise our guests before they come over, you should definitely eat breakfast and maybe even brunch. A timely meal, Thanksgiving is not in our household. Miraculously, we ate dinner at a reasonable hour this year and it was very...Twilight Zone-esque. Like even as we're eating, there's this eerie feeling of wondering if we'd done something wrong. It's still light-ish outside and we're eating Thanksgiving dinner? That's crazy talk! I am thankful for my fancy iPhone app that allows me to write whenever I want because I was able to take notes on some of what happened this year. Read on for a young lad's chronicle of chipmunks, turkey, football and Weird Al.

~ My niece asks me why the chipmunks wanted a plane that loops the loop and a hula hoop for Christmas. I tell her those things were in fashion then. She asks if the reason they wanted those toys was because they were poor and couldn't afford "good" toys. She makes a good point. A single man raising three chipmunks has got to be expensive.

~ I am being forced to listen to the New Kids On The Block Christmas album in its entirety (a yearly occurrence), while my cousin and cousin-in-law exchange notes on which new kid they crushed on in the 80s. One of them idolized Danny but now wishes she was a Joey girl because apparently he has aged the best. OMG this is lame!

~ While watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, I see various incarnations of the Power Rangers dancing. Yes, dancing. I know it's a rough economy but still. The Power Rangers do karate and have awesome toys and take orders from a hologram and a robot, they should not be made to dance like they're some kind of holiday strippers. Is nothing sacred anymore? They also remind us that the Rangers will be turning 20 in 2013 and a little part of me reacts to this revelation by hoping that the world really does end next month.

~ I don't like Houston or Detroit but that game was something to see. Terrible officiating and eight billion missed chances to end it in OT. Tres entertaining.

~ Newsflash: If you nickname your turkeys Homer and Marge, you should expect that Homer is going to give you trouble. And indeed he did.

~ The Cowboys alllllmost came back to win their game, which makes it two games thus far that have been close and pretty entertaining. Will the Jets and Patriots make it a holiday hat trick of close games?

~ The answer would be no. FOUR turnovers by New York in the second quarter. Ouch.

~ After two glasses of wine, I realize that I have become what is commonly referred to as a "cheap date". I stumbled off the couch and nearly face-planted on the floor after that second glass. They say you need food in your system to soak up any alcohol but apparently not even a Thanksgiving feast is enough for this lightweight. I wonder if having another piece of pumpkin cheesecake will help? Oh alright, I'll have one.

~ The highlight of the day? The following conversation:

Friend: Will you?
Me: Will I what?
Friend: Love me more today than yesterday
Me: ...(dramatic pause)...
Me: And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-E-IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuu. IIIIIIIIIIII-E-IIIII will always love you. IIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuu
Friend: LOL
---
Friend: I'm making a cheese spread with brie cheese, pecans and apricot 
Friend: My sisters and I are getting together for hootchie night
Me: Sign me up!
Friend: You can be the honorary male hootchie
Friend: We'll probably watch sex and the city...or magic mike
Me: Oh...well I can always just get drunk and not care what we're watching
Friend: And eat my spread....EAT IIIIIIIT!!!
Me: LOL Totally went gutter
Friend: Lol That's how we do
Me: ...(dramatic pause)...
Me: Just eeeeat it! Eeeeeat it! Have some more turkey, eat you some pie, something something I don't know the words die. Just eat it
Friend: LMAO!!! That was worth the wait, I fuckin' love you
Friend: Eat you some pie LOL

And finally, my sister's youngest son spent Thanksgiving afternoon and night in the hospital because of a bad ear infection. Get well soon little dude!

The Constant(s)

A friend wrote a blog exploring the possibility that the people we know and love in this life were the people we knew and loved in previous lives. It's a theory I have always believed in. I'm a history nerd but am drawn only to certain periods of history. I devour any kind of information on ancient civilizations; the Romans, Greeks and Egyptians most notably, and we all know I'm fascinated by the story of the Titanic. Very different periods in history, I know. I've considered the fact that the reason I'm drawn to only certain periods is because some form of me was there in a previous life. Maybe I helped build a pyramid or assisted a philosopher or died on the Titanic. I'll never know for sure but sometimes it's fun to think about. And maybe the people I love were all around then too, but in different forms or relations. Hell, maybe this life is just a place holder before we move on to the next. I don't believe it's just over when we die, nor do I believe in the traditional versions of heaven and hell. I think we come back in some other form and we continue to learn and grow across the ages. I'm a bit torn however because I also would like to think the immediate end of our time here culminates in something like what happened in the series "Lost". I was obsessed with this show during its run and recently watched it again from beginning to end. Few shows have captured my attention the way "Lost" did and I was hooked from episode one, it was so well-written and conceived. The mythology and story of the show were quite complex but I will try to condense it a bit to explain how it ties in with the afterlife theme.
"Lost" began with a plane crashing onto a seemingly deserted island. A select group of passengers survived and learned the plane was way off course at the time of the crash. With rescue very unlikely they went about building lives on the island, learning many things about themselves along the way. From the start it was established that the line between between good and evil, right and wrong, black and white is a very blurry one. Everyone on the show was flawed in some way in order to show that we all got problems but it's how you deal with them that counts. You either overcome your issues or you are consumed by them. Throughout its six seasons, the writers created four different worlds that they bounced between; the present, which included the plane crash and the island exploration, the pasts of the main characters, the futures of those same characters, and what was called "sideways world". We didn't know what sideways world was until the very end of the show. It seemed to be what these people's lives would have been had the plane never crashed - they never met on the island in this scenario yet somehow all still crossed paths at one point or another. In this world they all still had issues and were all still connected, but in very different ways. They were also all still flawed but most no longer seemed completely burdened by those flaws, as they often were in their past lives and on the island. They were no longer consumed by their demons, they had either learned to live with them or overcome them completely. In the last moments of the series finale (which btw is as close to perfection as television gets), it is revealed that sideways world is actually a place the survivors created in order to find each other again before proceeding to the next life. Their time together on the island was the most important time in their lives and they were all very important to each other. They found community and purpose and a sense of belonging on the island. So much so that as they died they all congregated in this sort of limbo and waited for each other and worked through the last of the issues binding them to their earthly lives. In the sideways world most created happier lives for themselves while others continued to punish themselves for past sins. Even they had no idea they had died and had to gain consciousness of that by coming into contact with the person who had the most profound impact on them in life, the person who was their constant throughout all of the worlds. Once they all gain this consciousness, they remember that they have died and are finally ready to let go and move on to whatever comes next, together as they were always meant to be. It's a beautiful concept when you think about it. That we all get to create our own "do-over" and right the wrongs and flaws about ourselves that vexed us throughout our lives. That we get a chance to forgive ourselves and start with a clean slate on our next journey. And that we're never alone throughout any of our travels. Whether it be 1912, the 1920's or before Christ, the people we love and care about have always and will always be there.
I've always believed in fate and destiny and all that stuff some would call BS. Another of the major themes in "Lost" was science versus faith; one character was a doctor and needed to fix everything and everyone, another was a man who believed everything was for a reason and trusted that we'd all find out that reason some day. I think a good amount of science and faith exist in all of us. I have a great deal of faith, even when things seem awful I try to find the upside. My faith is very important to me and it's a major contributor to who I am. I'm not a religious dude at all and I don't understand people who say they live for one deity or another. I think you should live your life for yourself and, whether or not you believe in any kind of deity, you'll end up coming back as what you deserve to come back as. I do believe in god but I don't believe I'll have to stand up and be judged by anyone at the end of my time here. When I'm gone, soul and body will part and one remain here until it's cremated while the other one will depart for the next phase. Maybe I'll come back as a goat or a dog or a monkey. Maybe I'll come back as someone incredibly smart, an inventor perhaps. Maybe I'll have a chance to right all of my wrongs before I come back again, and if that's the case I'll be in that limbo phase for quite some time so I advise the rest of my loved ones to live as long as possible in order to avoid long lines at the checkout. But I don't think death is something to fear. It's just the beginning of another, possibly better, chapter. It's rather unfortunate that no one living will ever know what actually comes after this. But maybe some things are best left mysteries for now.

Sunday Evening Post

As promised in my last post, many blogs are forthcoming and hopefully I'll be back to posting regularly this week. For now, just Sunday evening cliffnotes about various things on my mind. First of all, thank Jeebus Obama was re-elected and congratulations to all you women-folk for being able to keep your rights. Well done, America. And how hilarious was it when the Romney campaign said Ohio had not officially gone blue and then Fox News refused to acknowledge the state had been called? I almost wanted to click over just to watch the ridiculousness but couldn't force myself to actually click to that channel. I saw this tweet the morning after that summed up two of my favorite things at once; the Titanic and Romney getting his ass kicked:

Second, my little brother has been in and out of the hospital the last few weeks with issues relating to his brain tumor and the seizures it causes. They've changed his meds and he's doing better now but he'll have to monitor the tumor more closely. Upside: we now have weekly doctor's appointments in common. He always has to copy me.

Last but not least, I learned a very important lesson via text today - do not ask anyone you know is a smartass to tell you something slow. Because you will be 80 before they finish the sentence. But it provided a hell of a laugh.

Me: Tell me you love it. Tell me real slow
Friend: I
Friend: Loooove

(5 minutes elapse)

Me: Before I'm 40

(1 minute later)

Friend: It
Me: That is the last time I ask you to say anything slowly
Friend: Lol I see your clothing went out of style in the process
Me: LOL. When you started talking I was dancing disco. And now Vanilla Ice is popular. Damn this war
Friend: LOL Damn this war

"Now I Have Three Kids And No Monies, Why Can't I Have No Kids And Three Monies?" - Homer J. Simpson

Remember how I bragged awhile back about the nifty new app on my phone (called Evernote) that lets me blog whenever, wherever? Yeah, well the drawback to that is sometimes the magic do not make it to the blog. I have at least a dozen posts that I've yet to put up. Coming attractions: Pregnancy scares (Oooooh!), ER visits (No way!), Blind dates (Wow!), and Secrets (Crazy, yo!). Of course, that's provided all of that makes it to the blog and doesn't linger in the purgatory that is Evernote. This is an especially precarious time to catch up on all that considering the app was just updated and I'm not sure how to use it now. And it's also a busy time in general. I'm possibly moving again, work is insane and money be tight, yo. I can deal with the first two issues on my own, but that last one is slightly out of my hands at the moment. The dude I rented my apartment to is now almost a week late with his rent check and I'm annoyed. It's beyond annoyed now actually. I'm pissed off that he's messing with my life and finances. I have bills due the next few days and was counting on that money. Dude dodges my calls, ignores my texts and occasionally shoots off an email about the situation. Having gone to his/my place and surveyed the situation, I think the reason for his late payment is him having money woes of his own and possibly familial issues. I know he's married with a young son and the last time I was there I saw significant changes to the living room; no more family pictures and a box of kid's stuff near the door. The last thing I want to do is make his life more difficult if his wife did in fact leave him, but I can't have sympathy for him or arrange some sort of payment plan if he doesn't let me know what's going on. My brother, who is the co-owner and co-landlord of the joint, thinks this may be my fault to begin with. Last month the guy inquired about paying his rent in two installments and I agreed. My brother was against it, saying we had to stick to the original plan and agreement of payment every month with no exceptions. But the dude seemed really preoccupied and concerned about something so I gave in. He did pay last month, on time and in two installments as agreed upon. But this month he's gone MIA since last weekend. To top it all off we had an exchange the other day where he accused me of being "confused" about our arrangement, claiming the installment thing was our new permanent agreement. Hell to the no homeboy. I confirmed twice with him last month that he'd pay all at once on the fifth. It is now the tenth and I have less than a quarter of what is due. If it's not paid in full by Monday evening, dude is getting evicted. We'll see what happens.
While my brother and I were debating whether or not to give this guy an extension last month, I ended the convo by pointing out an event from our childhood involving money. We went through a rough time money-wise after my grandmother died. My mom was alone with three kids and the household had lost one of its breadwinners. At one point mom had been laid off from her job and went on unemployment, which also made it necessary for us to go on welfare. But mom was determined not to stay on it for long and once she found a job and got back on her feet, we were done with food stamps. None of us liked the feeling of being on government assistance and have all been determined to never go back to that place. I've nothing against it obviously, I'm glad it was there to help us survive, but the feeling of being one of "those" people was not good. Granted, not having enough money to buy food is very different than not being able to pay your rent on an expensive ass apartment. But I still thought it was better to give the guy a break. Maybe it was the wrong decision. Time will tell I suppose.

Planet Of The Idiots

G: I feel bad though. I wanna do something to help you guys and your city.

Y: Donate blood?

Me: Nobody wants your blood, it was brewed in Canada.

G: You know I don't like needles. And it's not like I just have a couple pints lying around the house to FedEx.

G: I know! I'll send helper monkeys for the clean up!

Me: LOL. Because you have those lying around the house to FedEx?

G: lol Yes. I always keep helper monkeys on hand in case of an emergency.

Elect With Excitement

A few months ago my friend G got all hot under the collar after a political discussion with his Republican relative turned nasty, as they so often do for those of us with politically divided (read: stupid Republicans in our) families. G seethed for about fifteen minutes and kept saying, "He's voting for Romney! Mitt Fucking Romney!" and I found it hilarious. As a result, everyone in my circle has referred to the Republican Presidential candidate by that moniker. I woke up this morning to cell phone issues and took to Facebook to let everyone know my texts were a bit wonky and scrolled through my wall to catch up. Halfway down my wall was one of these new ads Facebook is forcing on us, apparently they thought it would be a fantastic idea for me to 'Like' Mitt Romney. Mitt Fucking Romney. I reported it as spam and posted a status update urging my peeps to vote and logged out ASAP. I guess it is kind of a big day, huh? But at the same time it might not be as big of a day as we think. Some ballots may be delayed until tomorrow or even the end of the week, which would mean we won't know who actually wins until then. Fingers crossed it's Obama, I cannot fathom how fucked we are if Romney becomes President. As one of my Facebook friends put it, "Four years ago America went black...will she go back?". Your move, America.

Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know

...Stop me if you've heard this one before. So after that whole thing the other day not only did she refuse to apologize, but she proceeded to hang up yet again because she was "offended" by something I said. WE texted sparingly for most of the day and then I got word this morning that my brother has been hospitalized for the second time in a week. Both times have involved seizures related to his brain tumor and now there's some discussion about him having surgery soon. I made the mistake of mentioning all of this to her and she was supportive and wanted to talk about what was going on. Things weren't okay (they never are between us) but at least we weren't arguing and she got that I was stressed and chose not to add to that stress. Until this evening, that is. Although I guess it began in the afternoon when she said she wanted to come hang out with me while I awaited news on my brother. I was working and really not in a good mood so I declined the invite and told her I wasn't hanging with anyone because I had to get some work done and that was my way of coping with things. Miss Drama has to take it personally, claiming it was as if I'd said I didn't want to see her specifically during this time. I told her I had zero energy to fight with her and she let it go. Then we talked tonight and she had to go for "a few", which always means like twenty minutes with her. This time it was more like an hour and while she was gone a couple of friends called me and I talked to each for awhile. Both friends are female and I've known one since junior high and the other for about a decade. I text both on a daily basis and talk to one every week or so and the other one every couple of weeks. They're both most definitely a part of my inner circle, which includes friends and family, all of whom I text throughout a typical day.
When I got back on the phone with Drama she asked if I had talked to anyone else about the bro situation and I mentioned that I'd talked to the junior high friend. Things took a very unexpected turn when she started asking how often I talk to this person. I consider talking on the phone or in person and texting to all be covered under the umbrella of "talking" so I said we talk about three times a day. Her definition of talking does not include texting so she took that to mean we talk on the phone three times a day and began reacting as if that was what I said. She said that was excessive for someone I wasn't dating and then proceeded to ask why we weren't together, since we talk so much and seem so compatible and all. I told her it was a ridiculous question, this is one of my best friends who is practically married to another of my best friends and that I don't feel like I should be punished for keeping close relationships with the people I love. She claimed to not be telling me who I should and shouldn't talk to but it was clear that was her motive. She said I should go be with this friend and we should be happy, etc and I was thrown. It made no sense. Then she asked why my last relationship ended and I told her it was complicated, firmly committed to not contributing to her fantasies about me and other chicks. She continued on this path anyway and I slowly started to realize this was "that" conversation; the one where one party insinuates goodbye in an attempt to get the other party to take it the rest of the way. Part of me was in total disbelief that she would do this today of all days but the other part was thinking, 'yeah, that's about right'. She can never see beyond her own problems or tiny little inconveniences, it's always about her. She didn't even take the convo halfway towards a goodbye, she got to about 35% and I was done. I brought us to the end in record time, telling her I couldn't believe how she'd started this convo and how heartless she was to essentially try to dump me while my family is in crisis. She claimed she never tried to dump me and I was flabbergasted. It's like that thing that gives us our perception of a reality is completely lacking in her brain. She'll say or do something hurtful and then not remember it at all ten minutes later. There was a guy in the movie "50 First Dates" they called Ten Second Tom because he had memory issues and could only remember ten seconds worth of stuff. May as well call her Ten Second Tammy cuz the same rule seems to apply.
Things got even uglier when she told me she had wasted two years of her life on me (which isn't even true. She first messaged me on a dating site in January of last year and we exchanged maybe two emails at that time. We fell out of contact until maybe May and didn't get serious-ish until the summer so it's a year and a half at the most). That pissed me off and I made a comment about how she could "waste" the next two years of her life and the waterworks began. No emotion whatsoever the entire convo until that moment, which was telling but not surprising. She went all uber-drama and said she didn't want to know me anymore and that I "wasn't human" for having said what I did and I told her to look in a mirror if she wanted an example of someone who lacked basic human qualities. Then I made her dream of not knowing me a reality and hung up. But she continued to text, same way she always does. She asked me to call her back and I refused. Eventually she said that the one thing she didn't mean to say was that she'd wasted her time with me but it was too late. I was so far out the door and down the block at that point that a search party couldn't have found me and brought me back. I knew this was it so I told her she could call if she had anymore to say and then she said something that gave me the best laugh I've had all day. She says to me, she says, "I have nothing to say to you on the phone until you apologize for what you said to me". I literally laughed out loud and told her she must be joking and said goodnight. She replied with goodbye and a few minutes later sent another text that said she did have a heart and it was broken. Not my problem anymore.
I am an incredibly loyal person and once I think you is good people, it takes a rather monumental fuck up to get me to change my mind about that. But once that fuck up happens, I will be done with you. No amount of apologies or backtracking will change it. I felt myself hit that tonight when she started trying to steer me towards other women, but it was made official when I realized she was ending things. I really don't care if you dump me but to do it during a crisis is incredibly cruel and makes me question everything about our time together. How can you be that damn selfish and still claim to love me in the same breath? I don't understand that. She said she thought I hadn't felt the same way about her in a long time and on that she was correct. I haven't felt the same way the past year or so but that hasn't been a secret to her, especially since we've been on and off. And I highly doubt she ever was in love with me and I'm sure she isn't now because you don't fuck over somebody you love like this. I'm sure more revelations will come to me as I process all of this but what I'm left with now is this question of whether or not there really is something wrong with her. She always talks about her mother and brother being a bit messed up in the head because of things in their past but I don't think they're the only ones. She doesn't grasp things the way normal people do. It isn't my issue anymore but it still seems so bizarre to me. You say you wasted your time on me and try to ditch me and then have the stones to ask ME for an apology? That doesn't make sense. But it's a dissection for another time. We'll see if she resurfaces tomorrow...

I Must Be Too Dumb To Be Proud

A few days ago this person I was most recently romantically involved with texted me in the midst of all the Hurricane Sandy drama. I'm still not sure what the aim was but it was under the guise of her wanting to make sure I was okay and prepped and so on. I was a bit concerned because she lives in Lower Manhattan and they were expected to (and did) get hit rather hard, so we talked for a few. And, of course, she had other major drama going on and I got sucked in yet again. Why I cannot fully extricate myself from this nightmare of a situation is beyond me at this point. Even when it does "end", it's never really over. But I know it has to be sooner rather than later or it's going to literally cause me to self-destruct. Most of our conversations anymore leave me with my blood boiling in a way it rarely has in the past and that's not healthy. On top of the hurricane issues, her youngest brother had gone missing for two days. He didn't show up for a scheduled visit with his daughter and then proceeded to cease all contact with everyone in his life. She was worried something terrible had happened and both she and her mother were already on the alarmist path, but I never had a doubt he was just on a bender. Still, as I always do when it comes to her family, I kept my suspicions to myself. The night before the hurricane hit we texted before bed and she kept saying she wanted me with her in case she got bad news about her brother, who I assume has since turned up and is just fine since she hasn't mentioned him again. I wasn't in the city and had no intention of venturing out until the storm was over, especially not to a place that was going to be hit hard. The next day the weather took a turn as Sandy started heading towards us and just about everything was closed or about to close, including many modes of transportation. Some cabs were still running though and even as late as four o'clock on Monday she was trying to get me out to be with her. "You can still get a cab if you leave now," she said - in a damn hurricane that is projected to be one of the worst in history. Hell. No. If we were 100% in this and together then I would already be with you but we're on the shakiest ground known to man right now. I chose to stay put but she checked in during the storm to make sure all was okay. Apparently she spent that evening at her house with a friend's dog and her place was one that had power cut to it (and still does). She tried to guilt me into coming to see her even after the storm by continuously throwing out there that she'd been alone and insinuating she shouldn't have been and it was my fault that she was. I didn't take the bait. She hiked uptown to stay with a friend who does have power and has been camped out there ever since. I've been busy so I haven't checked in with her much and we all know she doesn't talk to me when she's around her friends so her texts have also been sporadic. Part of my sporadic...ness though is that I know this is the time to begin pulling away for good. Things are about to get very busy for me and I'm seriously considering spending the rest of my year back home with my family, which will hopefully aid in ending this. I'm not sure if she's still here because she actually cares about me or because I'm just her favorite sparring partner. But incidents like the past few days certainly don't make me wanna stick around.
The past few days all I have heard from her is how she's a "refugee", staying in a one-bedroom apartment along with five other people until power is restored to their homes. Obviously I am sympathetic to those who don't have power because it sucks and I know how dependent we all are on electricity. I also know what it's like to be displaced, not only because of my sublet this year but also because when I was a teenager my mom, sibs and I lived out of a hotel for about a month after we were evicted from our home. I understand how much it sucks to not be in your own bed but, as she is prone to do, she's turned it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Especially when you consider how many people lost their homes entirely, that have NOWHERE to go back to. I'm sympathetic but I keep things in perspective and on a grand scale, her displacement and lack of power is minor. Be thankful you have friends who will take you in and wait it out. She said she might move to another friend's house in my neck of the woods tomorrow and I cringed on the inside because I really don't want that to happen. I backed off a bit on the texting after she said that because I knew what was coming next; "If I do move out there, let's hang out". I don't want to have the conversation about ending things again and feel like meeting up would only lead to that and not much else so I'm trying to avoid it altogether. Last night she went to dinner with her friends and we didn't talk but she texted me throughout the evening. I noticed her texts seemed a bit scattered, which usually happens when she drinks so I asked if she had been drinking. She got offended and said she hadn't and went to bed. Today we sporadically texted again and then she asked this evening what I was doing. I didn't see the text at first and responded to something else she'd said and she came back with the same question, "What are you doing?". I just said nothing of note since all I was doing was working and didn't understand why she needed to know so badly. I asked her what she was up to and her reply was, "Nothing of value. Just surviving", and I had a feeling she actually had been drinking tonight. We talked on the phone for a few but once I confirmed she was (at least) tipsy I lost interest in the conversation. I'm the last one to toss around judgment about substances, but it's never been a secret that I don't like how much she drinks. It's less than it used to be (to my knowledge anyway) but it still irks me to talk to her when she's been drinking. Her personality changes and she gets very needy, constantly needing to be reassured of things (other times she just gets mean but she wasn't that tonight). Throughout the convo she kept repeating that she was on a couch and couldn't talk loud but the problem was that she wasn't talking at all. It was just dead air and I know that means she's passing out so I tried to get off the phone. That was met with, "Yeah, I know you want to go" and other melodramatic words. Finally I got her to say goodnight and I said the same and hung up. Imagine my surprise thirty seconds later when I got a text saying she's "so fucking sick" of me hanging up on her. Excuse me?? This was the second time today that she accused me of that, earlier we'd talked and I said 'bye' and then hung up and she claimed to not have heard it. Even though I was annoyed at the latest accusation, I called her back to give her the proper goodbye she had supposedly never gotten. Suddenly, with the prospect of a fight on the horizon, she perked right up and was all kindsa talkative. Then she has the cojones to next that if I tell her I said goodbye then I'm "kidding" myself. Game. On. I told her she wasn't exactly the most reliable source about who said what given her drunkenness and the way she was repeating shit. That launched her into a tirade about how dare I not want to talk to her after she's been drinking after all I've put her through in the past. Because that's the card she always has at the ready. I started to say something but she hung up on me. And I didn't call back. I have no desire to. If she delivers an apology for accusing me of hanging up on her, then maybe we'll talk again. If she sticks by her story that her drunk off her ass recollection of events is more reliable than my sober one, then I have absolutely no desire to talk to her. It's an apology or bust and it really doesn't matter to me either way. I'm guessing there isn't one forthcoming though. Which will likely bring about our final end. Which is probably for the best.

Rock You Like A Hurr-cane

Me: This storm is no joke
Her: We're such pansies
Her: People lose they minds when the water is ankle deep
Me: Shoot, the water is almost up to this weather dude's thighs on CNN
Her: What's Olie Williams say on the Blaccuweather report?
Me: lol It's a hurr-cane!
Her: LOL
Her: It's rainin sideways!
Me: Bitches haterade be flyin' outta they hands and shit
Her: LMAO!

Tis the morning after Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc on the East Coast and it's a little unbelievable to look outside and see water and downed trees everywhere. It's like something out of a movie. I've yet to venture outside, even though the winds have died down considerably and the rain has subsided a bit. If anyone is gonna accidentally step on a downed wire and get electrocuted, it would be this mother lover right here so I'm not even gonna tempt fate. No doubt that storm was scary but it seems as though it was far less catastrophic than predicted. Hopefully it weakens now since it'll be on land for awhile. Stay safe kids!

Black Eyes And Black Guys

Best Friend: You can't really tell now that it's healing. But it looked awful when it first happened.
Me: Yeah, those hurt like a mofo at first. After that they just look ugly.
Best Friend: Yeah? So glad I've never had a black guy.
Me: Um...okay. Not sure why you would mention that now.
Best Friend: Um because it's relevant to the convo?
Me: I've never had one either. Just for the record.
Best Friend: Liar. You had one in 5th grade, the week of school pictures.
Best Friend: I remember because I'm the one who gave it to you lol
Me: LOL. I had one in 5th grade huh? One that you gave to me?
Best Friend: Yes. Why is that funny?
Me: Re-read your texts from the beginning of this subject
Best Friend: LMAO!!
Best Friend: Maybe I just felt like stating I'd never been with a black guy!
Me: lol Riiiiight. That was hysterical
Best Friend: LOL Your texts are even better once I realize what you were referring to.
Best Friend: You could've told me, jerk lol
Me: LOL Where's the fun in that?
Me: You saying you gave me a black guy in fifth grade? Now that's comedy
Best Friend: LOL Yes. It is.

I was asked (read: am being forced) to add an addendum to the above conversation. My best friend freely and without coercion admitted to hitting me in the head with a baseball bat, which resulted in bodily injury to yours truly. Despite this FREE AND CLEAR ADMISSION, I am to relay the entire story so as not to damage her (supposedly) pristine reputation.
It was the summer of our tenth year and we were all playing baseball in the back yard. My team was leading and I was next up to bat when I heard someone call my name. I turned around and was viciously hit with a baseball bat. Not only was my eye blackened (and my modeling career ended) but my soul was shattered upon realizing it was my own best friend who had delivered the blow. It is a day that lives in infamy. Novels were written about the incident. Poems were written about my pain. At least, that's how I remember it.
Although some parts of that story are true, 99.999999% was dramatized for the purposes of this post. So what really happened? We were playing baseball and it was summer and I was the lucky recipient of a black eye thanks to a swing from a baseball bat my best friend was using. That's all true. However there was no malicious intent behind that swing. Far from it. I got hit because I'm a moron who didn't stand far enough away from the action. See, she swung the bat while l was standing about a foot behind her and not paying attention. Her follow through caught me right in the left eye and I dropped like a sack of potatoes. The bat was some kind of foam and plastic hybrid and was solid on the inside so it had more heft to it than a 1980's plastic bat, but not as much heft as a wooden or metal bat (thank god). My eye swelled up and was literally black, not purple or blue, by night's end. Of course this happened the week school started so I began fifth grade looking like I'd been in a bar brawl. School pictures were the week after and by then my eye had begun to heal and was a yellowish-purple color. That made for some stellar pictures. I hadn't thought about this story in ages, not until tonight's textual difficulties. And I barely remember it. I'm glad the best friend can fill in the blanks.

Tell Me All Your Thoughts On God

I had a long dinner and conversation with my best friend last night and it's been ages since we've done that. It's kind of amazing how you can know someone for 31 years and still have things to talk about. And our time together is never boring. While waiting to be seated we stood next to a party of six; two older women, two women in their 40's and two dudes about the same age. I was already annoyed that one of the guys kept bumping into me when one of the older ladies pulled out a big ass camera, with flash, and started taking photos of something. The flash was so bright that I turned my head to see what picture was so important that it was worth blinding me and I saw it was the other older woman's birthday. They were referring to her as their grandmother and she was holding a taped up and very full gift bag as the camera flashed yet again. So what did grandma get for her birthday? Shampoo. No lie. I watched her open the bag and pull out two full size bottles of Pantene (shampoo AND conditioner! She's di lucky!). She seemed seriously overwhelmed and perhaps even speechless. I turned away from the scene so as not to laugh in anyone's face and then heard one if the dudes telling grandma about some product that had gotten his and wife's teeth incredibly clean. I assume grandma also got some kind of toothbrush judging from the rest of the commentary. I felt bad. I mean, it's not like we ever got any of our grandmothers skydiving lessons or anything, but we also never did all of their birthday shopping at a CVS. And why not just give her a gift card or something? Hell, even just paying for dinner would have been better than the gift package she actually received.
We were seated not long after that and dinner was great until some dude at a table behind us raised his voice and drew the attention of a few people. A few minutes later it became clear that everyone at that table was involved in a heated discussion about religion. Although I'm not particularly a religious lad, I do enjoy debating with others about the subject. I'm fascinated by different viewpoints and why people believe the way they do. It sounded like these people had been having a quiet discussion for awhile but it escalated when this guy threw out a blanket statement about how if everyone were just given copies of the Bible they would realize that Christianity is the only "true religion". He even went so far as to say that Catholics, Mormons, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews and Hindus are the reasons that war exists in the world. Because Lord knows ya'll Christians don't fight amongst yourselves or anything, it's everyone else's fault the world is fucked up. Mr. Personality's dinner companions took offense to what he said and a battle ensued. I'm never surprised by how many narrow-minded people still exist in the world, especially when it comes to religion. But dude had some cojones to say that as loud as he did in a crowded restaurant and I'm sure the best friend and I weren't the only ones to take notice and begin listening in. They quieted down after that but we could still hear the occasional loud-ish argument between them. The best friend joked that we should add our two cents and go tell him there is no god, just to stir the pot. "Maybe he's rich and he'll hit you and you can sue him and claim racial profiling...and violation of your religious freedom...yeah, you should go over there," she said (and now you know which one of us had wine with dinner). Instead we toasted each other for being the reason war exists and picked up the conversation we'd been having before things got crazy.
As has been documented here, my religious views are quite eclectic but I do believe in god. For some reason, people are surprised when they hear this. I guess because I just don't take any of it too seriously. Yes, I think there's a god but no, I don't believe we're all supposed to devote our lives to "serving" him. And if he intended everyone to be a Christian, then why did he give people free will in the first place? If you really believe the world is god's creation then it would stand to reason that everything in it is also his creation; all the religions, all the conflicts, all the gay people and trans gender people and every race in existence. My beef with religion has never involved questioning whether there is a god (although he and I were not on the greatest of terms for some time), I've always believed there is, but it is the fact that so many "religious" people pick and choose what parts of their religion apply to them. You're supposed to love all people but you cast out anyone with a different sexual orientation. You get hitched in a church and take what are supposed to be vows between you, your spouse and the big man saying you'll be faithful and parted only by death, but then proceed to have an affair and get divorced. You're supposed to be tolerant of all religions, yet you condemn anyone who isn't a "true believer" in your eyes. There is a lot of grey area when it comes to the topic of religion, which makes this guy's blanket statement even more ridiculous. It's like me saying, 'Man, all of those Christians are biggots and hate gays'. It's obviously not true and it's not only Christians who can be discriminatory. I cringe every time someone talks about making this country the "Christian Nation it was" because it never was that, it's always been accepting of every religion and it should always remain that way.
As our conversation and dinner were winding down, we saw the wait staff congregate around a table. We heard them begin to sing "Happy Birthday" and we both knew it had to be grandma they were serenading. All I could think was how sad it was that having total strangers sing to her was the highlight of her evening. Even as I was falling asleep last night, I couldn't help but think about it. I don't have anymore grandmother's to give gifts to. But if I did, I would totally steal their idea because any of my grandma's would have found it hilarious. I also would have been smacked. But it would've been worth it.

50 Shades Of Crazy

I used to get messages from quite the cast of characters when I was on a dating site. One chick wondered out loud (via email) what kind of things I was into sexually. A supposedly bi-sexual dude asked me if I'd be into having a three way with him and a woman. Another woman called me a "hot drink [she'd] like to drink down" (didn't make any sense to me either). I also got a message from a woman who was into poly-amory, which is basically an open relationship with the possibility of simultaneously being in other relationships with other people. I'm definitely not into that but we had a lot in common and she said she was just looking for friends so we exchanged a few messages. But it soon became clear she was looking for more than just a friend and I wasn't interested in that. I don't really understand the concept of poly-amorous relationships. I may be very open sexually (hence my being a whore in a previous life) but I'm fairly traditional when it comes to relationships. One person's feelings and habits are enough to adjust to, why on earth would you wanna deal with multiple people? I'm guessing part of the appeal is the openness and being allowed to sleep with as many other people as you want, whenever you want. But even that seems like too much to take on. I've been in a situation where I'm dating around but even then I usually only slept with one person (three at the most, not that I should brag about it). The point is that juggling three people was enough and I don't get the appeal of spending your life doing that. But to each their own.

A friend was telling me today about someone she knows who is an active poly-amory...er. It would seem as though there are few boundaries in her relationship, there are always new stories of random hook-ups (women, men, women and men at the same time, it really doesn't seem to matter to her), and funny or just plain weird crap that happened while in the midst of a hook-up. She doesn't keep any of it to herself either so all of her friends are desensitized to most of the stuff she tells them. But the most recent story is one that has grossed out everyone who has crossed its path. Miss Poly-Amory USA showed up at two in the morning to this friend's house with pizza and beer. She talked for a few minutes with the friend before inviting herself into another friend's bedroom for late night, I-don't-care-if-you-want-it-or-not nookie. The next day, my friend's roomie began telling her about what he'd woken up to an hour after they'd done the deed. The friend told him she really didn't know or care to know any details but he proceeded to tell her that their mutual friend is a freak and he felt it necessary to go into way too vivid detail as to what happened. As this story is being relayed to me, my Curious George self couldn't not ask what it was that had so traumatized the boy. My friend went a step further and said that her roomie told her it was something that had never been done to him before and that he wasn't really a fan of, and also that it especially confused him because it wasn't done in the heat of the moment, it was something she began doing to him before he was awake. Did I take the hint and stop asking questions? Well of course I didn't. So she tells me he said, 'I woke up to her licking my...you know...' and she thankfully leaves that sentence there. And that was enough. Actually, maybe even that was too much. I knew what she meant and we were both grossed out, so we moved on to a new conversation. But...wow. Just...wow. Few things render me speechless but that story was certainly one of them.

We've all heard our friends overshare details about their sexual escapades, some of them funny and some not so much. It never ceases to amaze me what people are into. There's a show on TLC called "Strange Sex" that profiles people with interesting fetishes and situations. One guy got off by hearing a balloon pop. Another lady claimed she could climax without ever being touched and taught classes on it. And let us not forget the millions of horny housewives who are obsessed with the 50 Shades books, which I think are terrible. Granted, I am not the target audience for that, but I read excerpts from it with a girl friend and we laughed our asses off. Seriously, I hadn't laughed that hard in eons. It was terrible writing and the "kinky" stuff in the book wasn't really all that kinky, but women around the world can't get enough. What really puzzles me about it is that millions of women apparently didn't know that they can find better erotica via Google for free, yet they read this crap because it's more socially acceptable. Cuz god forbid the people you call friends know you have sex or read about sex or know anything about sex, right? However those books illustrate my point quite nicely in that the hullabaloo (that's right, I said it) over them gives the impression that some women found it close to impossible to ask their men for what they wanted in bed. I don't understand why though. I know at some point everyone feels like they're gonna be judged over what they're into behind closed doors but who is gonna know besides you and the person you're sleeping with? And especially if you're gonna marry somebody, you should have everything in the open. As long as you're not into anything illegal, you should have at it with the fetishes and fantasies. It really is a shame more people don't think that way. Some people are still stuck on the 1950's stereotype of women having to be all proper and submissive and by those outdated standards, half the women in the world today are nymphomaniacs. And I really don't get why it's so difficult to ask for something while in the middle of doing the deed. I mean, everyone's horny and not thinking clearly and dudes us especially are willing to do whatever you want because the blood isn't flowing to our brains at that moment, so it seems like the perfect time to say, 'Hey fool, I like/want/need you to do this'. But still the horny housewives can't say anything? If you're that sheepish discussing sex with someone you're spending your life with then you married the wrong person. Of course our attitudes and openness about sex are also affected by how we were raised. Some people will always consider anything other than vanilla sex "dirty", while others build bondage rooms in their basements. It's whatever floats your boat but let this story be a lesson to make sure the chick who sneaks into your room in the middle of the night isn't too freaky. Because that story has done more damage to those of us who have passed it along than the actual experience did to this dude.