Me: lol That girl is...
Him: POISON!!!
Him: Never trust a book bag and a snail
Me: LOL
Me: ...I will remember that. ALWAYS
Him: LMAO. NO!! I hate this damn phone!!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Ex-Factor
Yesterday while having a convo with someone, I inadvertently touched on the subject of having friends of the opposite sex. It's no secret I have a lot of female friends, and it never has been. So of course I'm gonna bring up the women in my life up a lot. And I'm very aware of that. But I don't see a problem with it. It's not like I secretly want to hook up with any of them. But they are a part of my life and I talk to (and, in some cases, deal with) them (and, on some days, their hormones) just about everyday, so yeah they're gonna come up in conversation. I don't know, the convo didn't go anywhere really and the person didn't insinuate anything at all but I felt a little defensive for some reason. I joke about my two wives a lot (my best friend, and another friend) but it's just a joke term, and they do the same. We're not actually hitched, obviously (and we certainly ain't getting any sex, but I hear that's typical of actual marriages anyway). And it takes a lot more than things in common to be in a relationship anyway, or even to attract you to someone. It's not like, 'We both like coffee, let's go get hitched'. There are a lot of other little things that go into it, if that makes sense.
Another thing we talked about was being friends with exes. I used to think it was better to try and stay friends with exes but have since changed my stance. Most of my friendships with exes have fallen by the wayside because everyone's moved on into other things. Almost as if we were in each other's lives as long as we were supposed to be and, when our tour of duty was done, we ventured on with our separate lives. I used to have a habit of becoming friends with someone and THEN sleeping with and/or dating them (but mostly just sleeping with). And it inevitably affected other friendships I had and it got messy and...yeah. So I decided to stop that and ended up dating someone I was not friends with and it worked out well. It was like this brand new thing of actually getting to know someone as I was dating them. And I haven't dated a friend since (slept with...well...we can't change all our spots at once, now can we?).
These days there's only one woman in my life that I had a thing with back in the day. There's like fifteen years between us and our time was more therapy for me than an actual relationship of any kind. And it helped me quite a bit at the time. Her daughter and my daughter are friends, so we'll likely be in each other's lives for awhile. But there's no more attraction on either end. Looking back, most of my girlfriends have had a lot of dudes in their lives and it's never been an issue. I hear occasionally from other exes but usually only when something major happens. I don't know, it is what it is I guess. I'm friendly with a lot of them but I wouldn't actually call us friends. I think I've probably recycled exes as much as any other person. And I think I've outgrown that now since I have no desire to do it anymore. Sometimes my roaring 20's seem like they were so long ago.
All this made me think of a friend who is dating someone with less experience than her in the dating department. When they first got together she mentioned that he told her he doesn't want to know anything about her dating and sexual past. I don't know if he meant ever or just for the foreseeable future, but apparently it works for them and that's what's important. I don't think I could do that though. I mean, of course I don't want all the gory details about the past of someone I'm dating, as I'm sure they wouldn't want all the gory details about mine. But to be completely in the dark like that would bother me a bit, just because I think you should be able to talk about whatever you want/need with the person you love. My friends and I joke about my being a former manwhore, and it's...kinda accurate, but not really. I've dated (and sometimes that word has just meant "hooked up with" for me) a fair amount of women but 99% of it has been responsible and safe. And anything about all of that has always been a subject I'm willing to talk about, if the other person needs to know any of it. It may be uncomfortable but sometimes it can be a good thing. I don't know where I'm going with this (I'm tired ya'll), other than to say that I'd never want anyone to wonder about the other's friendships with the opposite sex. Or about where they've been in the past.
Another thing we talked about was being friends with exes. I used to think it was better to try and stay friends with exes but have since changed my stance. Most of my friendships with exes have fallen by the wayside because everyone's moved on into other things. Almost as if we were in each other's lives as long as we were supposed to be and, when our tour of duty was done, we ventured on with our separate lives. I used to have a habit of becoming friends with someone and THEN sleeping with and/or dating them (but mostly just sleeping with). And it inevitably affected other friendships I had and it got messy and...yeah. So I decided to stop that and ended up dating someone I was not friends with and it worked out well. It was like this brand new thing of actually getting to know someone as I was dating them. And I haven't dated a friend since (slept with...well...we can't change all our spots at once, now can we?).
These days there's only one woman in my life that I had a thing with back in the day. There's like fifteen years between us and our time was more therapy for me than an actual relationship of any kind. And it helped me quite a bit at the time. Her daughter and my daughter are friends, so we'll likely be in each other's lives for awhile. But there's no more attraction on either end. Looking back, most of my girlfriends have had a lot of dudes in their lives and it's never been an issue. I hear occasionally from other exes but usually only when something major happens. I don't know, it is what it is I guess. I'm friendly with a lot of them but I wouldn't actually call us friends. I think I've probably recycled exes as much as any other person. And I think I've outgrown that now since I have no desire to do it anymore. Sometimes my roaring 20's seem like they were so long ago.
All this made me think of a friend who is dating someone with less experience than her in the dating department. When they first got together she mentioned that he told her he doesn't want to know anything about her dating and sexual past. I don't know if he meant ever or just for the foreseeable future, but apparently it works for them and that's what's important. I don't think I could do that though. I mean, of course I don't want all the gory details about the past of someone I'm dating, as I'm sure they wouldn't want all the gory details about mine. But to be completely in the dark like that would bother me a bit, just because I think you should be able to talk about whatever you want/need with the person you love. My friends and I joke about my being a former manwhore, and it's...kinda accurate, but not really. I've dated (and sometimes that word has just meant "hooked up with" for me) a fair amount of women but 99% of it has been responsible and safe. And anything about all of that has always been a subject I'm willing to talk about, if the other person needs to know any of it. It may be uncomfortable but sometimes it can be a good thing. I don't know where I'm going with this (I'm tired ya'll), other than to say that I'd never want anyone to wonder about the other's friendships with the opposite sex. Or about where they've been in the past.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
We Used To Play Outside When We Were Young, Full Of Life And Full Of Love
I'm tired. What else is new? I'm always tired these days. But hopefully things start looking up after treatment and I won't be (as) tired anymore. Until then, it would appear that my days will sort of ebb and flow. I'm not sure how much of my feeling crappy is anemia, how much of it is the state of my life in general and how much is this mini-bug I've managed to pick up over the past week. It's like the perfect storm of stress and unwellness, during an already stressful time. So how am I handling it all? Not well. Or just well enough. I haven't decided yet.
I got a text a week ago from a friend I hadn't heard from in at least two years. I've known the dude since we were like 5 and, except for the few years I got sent up to Catholic school, we were classmates all our lives. I'm not altogether sure how we lost touch, I think it was after college. He stayed behind and I moved on and we kept in touch for awhile but stuff got crazy. Eventually it just became sporadic texts or emails and then we'd both go MIA for months or years at a time. It occurred to me last week when I got his text that a lot of the distance (if not all of it) is my fault. He's always been good about texting and leaving messages and keeping the channel open but I've sometimes been less than receptive. Why? Because it's a tie to the past. Mostly it's a tie to our childhood and our high school years, which were amazing but make me sad to think about nowadays. He was there for a lot of important stuff during our teen years. When my sister and I were about 16, we had a major life change and had to move and the whole thing gave mom terrible anxiety. She suddenly needed to know where we were at all times and wouldn't let us go out as much. But she trusted this particular friend and let us hang with him. And we took advantage of it. He'd come by and pick us up, then we'd pick up our significant others and all go hang out together. Good times. GREAT times, actually. That's the kind of stuff I go back to when we talk, which is why we don't talk much. And he's not the only one from that time that I've unintentionally severed contact with, but he's one of the only people who continues to stick around when I'm being a less than good friend. It took me a week but I finally texted him back today and we talked for a few. He and his partner want to come to my neck of the woods this summer to hang out for awhile. It'd be the first time I've seen him since...I don't know when. And it would be...good but also very stressful. He's one of those people though that would do anything for you, whenever you need it, even if he hasn't heard from you in forever. And those are good people.
The other night I was talking to a college friend who also tends to resurface at just the right times. Her niece is about to turn 22 and is in college herself and has decided not to go on spring break, choosing instead to get a jump on next semester's classes. My friend, a bit of a wild child during college, is trying to convince her otherwise. Not because she wants to get her in trouble but because she just turned 30 and is realizing that you never have as much time as you think you do for the fun and carefree stuff. I've tried to tell my teenager the same thing; that you'll never get your college days back so enjoy them while you can. Whether or not she actually listens to me, I'll never know. But this friend was talking about how she thought she'd be in a totally different place in her life when she turned 30 (don't we all), and the fact that she's not in that place scared the hell out of her for a minute. Until she realized that her life has taken (or, in her case, not yet taken) the turns that its meant to. Now she's realizing that it's kind of empowering to be in the position she's in now. I've come to a similar revelation recently myself. I've always known everything is for a reason but I guess it's taken on all new meaning of late.
I got a text a week ago from a friend I hadn't heard from in at least two years. I've known the dude since we were like 5 and, except for the few years I got sent up to Catholic school, we were classmates all our lives. I'm not altogether sure how we lost touch, I think it was after college. He stayed behind and I moved on and we kept in touch for awhile but stuff got crazy. Eventually it just became sporadic texts or emails and then we'd both go MIA for months or years at a time. It occurred to me last week when I got his text that a lot of the distance (if not all of it) is my fault. He's always been good about texting and leaving messages and keeping the channel open but I've sometimes been less than receptive. Why? Because it's a tie to the past. Mostly it's a tie to our childhood and our high school years, which were amazing but make me sad to think about nowadays. He was there for a lot of important stuff during our teen years. When my sister and I were about 16, we had a major life change and had to move and the whole thing gave mom terrible anxiety. She suddenly needed to know where we were at all times and wouldn't let us go out as much. But she trusted this particular friend and let us hang with him. And we took advantage of it. He'd come by and pick us up, then we'd pick up our significant others and all go hang out together. Good times. GREAT times, actually. That's the kind of stuff I go back to when we talk, which is why we don't talk much. And he's not the only one from that time that I've unintentionally severed contact with, but he's one of the only people who continues to stick around when I'm being a less than good friend. It took me a week but I finally texted him back today and we talked for a few. He and his partner want to come to my neck of the woods this summer to hang out for awhile. It'd be the first time I've seen him since...I don't know when. And it would be...good but also very stressful. He's one of those people though that would do anything for you, whenever you need it, even if he hasn't heard from you in forever. And those are good people.
The other night I was talking to a college friend who also tends to resurface at just the right times. Her niece is about to turn 22 and is in college herself and has decided not to go on spring break, choosing instead to get a jump on next semester's classes. My friend, a bit of a wild child during college, is trying to convince her otherwise. Not because she wants to get her in trouble but because she just turned 30 and is realizing that you never have as much time as you think you do for the fun and carefree stuff. I've tried to tell my teenager the same thing; that you'll never get your college days back so enjoy them while you can. Whether or not she actually listens to me, I'll never know. But this friend was talking about how she thought she'd be in a totally different place in her life when she turned 30 (don't we all), and the fact that she's not in that place scared the hell out of her for a minute. Until she realized that her life has taken (or, in her case, not yet taken) the turns that its meant to. Now she's realizing that it's kind of empowering to be in the position she's in now. I've come to a similar revelation recently myself. I've always known everything is for a reason but I guess it's taken on all new meaning of late.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Whore-Able
First, I went to a baptism today and it prompted hilarious comments from almost all of my loved ones. Even my mom. But my favorite is this one, "Wow. You're gonna be sweating like a whore in church cuz...well, you'll be a whore in a church."
Second, I am newly addicted to the fantastically named, "Draw My Thing" game on Facebook. I didn't even know this game existed until today. A friend told me about it and I reactivated my profile (it was gone because I hate timeline) to play it with them. It. Was. AWESOME. I can't draw to save my life but it was fun and addicting all the same. So if anyone is up for a game, drop me a line. (Unless you can actually draw, then I don't wanna play with you).
Third, I'm all kindsa sad and have been most of the day. Don't know what that's about, but I don't like it.
Second, I am newly addicted to the fantastically named, "Draw My Thing" game on Facebook. I didn't even know this game existed until today. A friend told me about it and I reactivated my profile (it was gone because I hate timeline) to play it with them. It. Was. AWESOME. I can't draw to save my life but it was fun and addicting all the same. So if anyone is up for a game, drop me a line. (Unless you can actually draw, then I don't wanna play with you).
Third, I'm all kindsa sad and have been most of the day. Don't know what that's about, but I don't like it.
Friday, March 23, 2012
With My Mind On My Poultry And My Poultry On My Mind
This entire conversation perfectly illustrates why my being laid up on the couch sick is a bad, bad, baaaad idea. Although, had I not been, we may not have had this hilarious exchange...Nah, we still woulda at some point. Because these are the conversations we have.
(A key: "BJ" is the fake company we've created and talk about taking global someday. And yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds. And no, "BJ" doesn't stand for what you think, they're our initials.
"Fonzie" is a reference to an episode of Family Guy.
"Assmerica" came from my typo the other day and we've run with it.)
______________________________________________________________________________
W: Oh god maybe I need prozac like the wife. I asked her where she was and she tells me she's at some fool's house.
Me: Sounds like she needs the prozac. And some condoms
W: Prozac, condoms and red velvet cupcakes. Make. It. Happen. Husband.
Me: LOL. Tthis is why I married you. We love all the same things!
W: LMAO! I love you. That's the best laugh I've had all day and Fonzie knows I've needed it.
------------
Me: We could be like Sonny and Cher. But with fewer pairs of buttless chaps.
W: Lol um, It's less putting up with you and more loving you enough to figure out how to give you space and still help you come out on the other side
W: lol And bring on the assless chaps!
Me: lol I move that BJ's first charity event be 'Assless Chaps for Assmerica'
W: An 'Assless chap on every ass and a chicken in every pot' will be our presidential platform! BJ in 2016!
Me: LOL I read, 'an assless chap on every ass and chicken'. Which is also a great idea
W: That's so wrong lol
W: lol that should be a dance. Except the name isn't easy to say. I can imagine the club DJ, 'Alright all you sexy ladies. Lemme see you do the *deep breath* chicken with assless chaps!' *Reggaeton horn*
Me: lol That would be hilarious. All the ladies gettin' down to the assless chicken chap
Me: 'Shorty dropped it like an assless chicken chap'
W: LOL 'Teach me how to assless chicken chap, teach me, teach me how to assless chicken chap!'
Me: LOL
W: 'Party rock! Everyday I'm assless chicken chappin!'
Me: lol We be big pimpin', assless chicken chapping with me
W: LOL 'Rollin down the street in assless chicken chaps, sippin on gin and juice'
Me: LOL Yes!
Me: With my mind on my poultry and my poultry on my mind
W: LOL!!
W: Omg all this entertainment came from you not reading good
Me: Three cheers for illisteracy!
W: Oh god I'm dying!
W: Spelling illiteracy incorrectly LMAO. I'm not even confident that that was on purpose
Me: lol That one was on purpose. For once I do something right
W: That's up there with Assmerica
W: 'We keep spendin most our lives livin in the assless chicken chaps'
Me: If I could turn back time, if I could find a way. I'd give back the assless chicken chaps I stole from you. And you'd stay
W: Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want. I wanna I wanna I wanna really really really want assless chicken chaps'
Me: LOL. WELL. DONE.
W: lol thank you, that made it worth all the damn effort
Me: We are a part of the assless chicken chap nation
Me: Oh! Don't stop til you get assless chicken chaps lol
W: YES! I was trying to work it into an MJ song. LOL perfect
W: I'm starting with the assless chicken chaps in the mirror
Me: LOL. Do you remember the time we tried on assless chicken chaps, girl
W: LOL. You've been struck by smooth assless chicken chaps
W: Now I've had the time of my life, no I've never felt this way before. And I swear this is true and I owe it all to assless chicken chaps.
Me: You and I must make a pact. We must wear assless chicken chaps
W: I just can't stop lovin' assless chicken chaps
Me: To the heart and mind, assless chicken chaps are kind
W: All you need is assless chicken chaps
Me: How did you know, cuz I never told. You found out, I bought assless chicken chaps for you
W: I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch my assless chicken chaps
Me: LOL. Didn't I almost get in your assless chicken chaps
W: LOL. You're here, there's nothing I fear. And I know that my assless chicken chaps will go on and on
Me: If you like assless chicken chaps, getting caught in the rain
Me: Wasted away again in assless chicken chaps
W: LOL! Yes!
Me: Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming. Or are my assless chicken chaps on fire
W: Time can never mend the careless whisper of a good assless chicken chap
Me: Open up your eyes, then you'll realize, here I stand with my assless chicken chaps
W: I would do anything for love, but I won't do assless chicken chaps
Me: lol Oh can't you see, those assless chicken chaps belong to me
W: Well I guess you'd say what can make me feel this way, my chaps my chaps my chaps. Talking bout my assless chicken chaps
Me: Everything I do, I do for assless chicken chaps
W: In West Philadelphia, born and raised, in assless chicken chaps is where I spent most of my days
Me: Every time you go away, you take assless chicken chaps with you
W: Now you can tell by the way I use my walk, I wear assless chicken chaps. No time to talk
Me: Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it, assless chicken chaps
W: Don't stop believin', hold on to those assless chicken chaps
Me: They told me he was bad, but I knew he was sad. I'll never forget you, assless chicken chaps
Me: I got assless chicken chaps in low places
Me: LOL I just saw an article saying that today was Poultry Day. How fitting.
(The next morning)
W: That was indeed fitting.
W: I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was 'mind on my poultry and poultry on my mind'.
(A key: "BJ" is the fake company we've created and talk about taking global someday. And yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds. And no, "BJ" doesn't stand for what you think, they're our initials.
"Fonzie" is a reference to an episode of Family Guy.
"Assmerica" came from my typo the other day and we've run with it.)
______________________________________________________________________________
W: Oh god maybe I need prozac like the wife. I asked her where she was and she tells me she's at some fool's house.
Me: Sounds like she needs the prozac. And some condoms
W: Prozac, condoms and red velvet cupcakes. Make. It. Happen. Husband.
Me: LOL. Tthis is why I married you. We love all the same things!
W: LMAO! I love you. That's the best laugh I've had all day and Fonzie knows I've needed it.
------------
Me: We could be like Sonny and Cher. But with fewer pairs of buttless chaps.
W: Lol um, It's less putting up with you and more loving you enough to figure out how to give you space and still help you come out on the other side
W: lol And bring on the assless chaps!
Me: lol I move that BJ's first charity event be 'Assless Chaps for Assmerica'
W: An 'Assless chap on every ass and a chicken in every pot' will be our presidential platform! BJ in 2016!
Me: LOL I read, 'an assless chap on every ass and chicken'. Which is also a great idea
W: That's so wrong lol
W: lol that should be a dance. Except the name isn't easy to say. I can imagine the club DJ, 'Alright all you sexy ladies. Lemme see you do the *deep breath* chicken with assless chaps!' *Reggaeton horn*
Me: lol That would be hilarious. All the ladies gettin' down to the assless chicken chap
Me: 'Shorty dropped it like an assless chicken chap'
W: LOL 'Teach me how to assless chicken chap, teach me, teach me how to assless chicken chap!'
Me: LOL
W: 'Party rock! Everyday I'm assless chicken chappin!'
Me: lol We be big pimpin', assless chicken chapping with me
W: LOL 'Rollin down the street in assless chicken chaps, sippin on gin and juice'
Me: LOL Yes!
Me: With my mind on my poultry and my poultry on my mind
W: LOL!!
W: Omg all this entertainment came from you not reading good
Me: Three cheers for illisteracy!
W: Oh god I'm dying!
W: Spelling illiteracy incorrectly LMAO. I'm not even confident that that was on purpose
Me: lol That one was on purpose. For once I do something right
W: That's up there with Assmerica
W: 'We keep spendin most our lives livin in the assless chicken chaps'
Me: If I could turn back time, if I could find a way. I'd give back the assless chicken chaps I stole from you. And you'd stay
W: Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want. I wanna I wanna I wanna really really really want assless chicken chaps'
Me: LOL. WELL. DONE.
W: lol thank you, that made it worth all the damn effort
Me: We are a part of the assless chicken chap nation
Me: Oh! Don't stop til you get assless chicken chaps lol
W: YES! I was trying to work it into an MJ song. LOL perfect
W: I'm starting with the assless chicken chaps in the mirror
Me: LOL. Do you remember the time we tried on assless chicken chaps, girl
W: LOL. You've been struck by smooth assless chicken chaps
W: Now I've had the time of my life, no I've never felt this way before. And I swear this is true and I owe it all to assless chicken chaps.
Me: You and I must make a pact. We must wear assless chicken chaps
W: I just can't stop lovin' assless chicken chaps
Me: To the heart and mind, assless chicken chaps are kind
W: All you need is assless chicken chaps
Me: How did you know, cuz I never told. You found out, I bought assless chicken chaps for you
W: I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch my assless chicken chaps
Me: LOL. Didn't I almost get in your assless chicken chaps
W: LOL. You're here, there's nothing I fear. And I know that my assless chicken chaps will go on and on
Me: If you like assless chicken chaps, getting caught in the rain
Me: Wasted away again in assless chicken chaps
W: LOL! Yes!
Me: Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming. Or are my assless chicken chaps on fire
W: Time can never mend the careless whisper of a good assless chicken chap
Me: Open up your eyes, then you'll realize, here I stand with my assless chicken chaps
W: I would do anything for love, but I won't do assless chicken chaps
Me: lol Oh can't you see, those assless chicken chaps belong to me
W: Well I guess you'd say what can make me feel this way, my chaps my chaps my chaps. Talking bout my assless chicken chaps
Me: Everything I do, I do for assless chicken chaps
W: In West Philadelphia, born and raised, in assless chicken chaps is where I spent most of my days
Me: Every time you go away, you take assless chicken chaps with you
W: Now you can tell by the way I use my walk, I wear assless chicken chaps. No time to talk
Me: Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it, assless chicken chaps
W: Don't stop believin', hold on to those assless chicken chaps
Me: They told me he was bad, but I knew he was sad. I'll never forget you, assless chicken chaps
Me: I got assless chicken chaps in low places
Me: LOL I just saw an article saying that today was Poultry Day. How fitting.
(The next morning)
W: That was indeed fitting.
W: I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was 'mind on my poultry and poultry on my mind'.
Call And Response
I had a bad fucking day. And then someone I was very much looking forward to talking to, one of the few redeeming things about this day, apparently wasn't looking forward to talking to me. We barely got the chance to talk all day, then they went out but said it shouldn't be a late night. So I stayed up and stayed out of trouble thinking we were gonna talk. Six hours later they text saying they're on their way home. Fine, I'm on a call and once you're home I'll hang up with them and call you. But no. Fifteen minutes later I get some random text saying, 'are we not gonna talk' and then, 'are you gonna call me', as if they've been waiting around for hours. Wtf? 'About to go home' means you're on your way home, and I've been texted that before from them and they didn't actually get home until an hour later so I always tack on more time to texts like that. I'm not a fucking mind reader, I don't instantly know when you've arrived home and you're waiting for me to call. And it's not like you don't have my number. If you're available and ready to talk, dial it. I hang up on my call, immediately call this other person and no answer. It was THREE MINUTES from the time they texted me, to the time their phone was ringing. Never an answer. I wouldn't be so upset and feel so rejected if my day hadn't sucked so bad. All this after a pretty good and uplifting, albeit brief, conversation last night. Whatever.
One thing I am thankful for tonight though is people who actually keep their phones on. I was supposed to go to a get together for my cousin's birthday tonight but opted out. (Partly because of my depression and partly because I wanted to be home to talk to the aforementioned person.) I also thought about hanging out with some friends for awhile but just was not in the mood. I haven't been in the mood for much of anything lately. What's the point? Nothing seems to be going right the past few days anyway. And I'm exhausted from being sick the past week. That's likely only gonna get worse since I'm going to start treatment of some kind next week (good news is insurance will probably cover it). There's just a lot going on and a lot of weight on my shoulders right now. Writing doesn't help, the best friend and I still aren't talking and I don't wanna bother anyone else with the stuff going through my head because it would just prompt constant worry about what my state of mind is. So I texted an old friend, just to see if they were still awake and willing to listen to my babble. And I rambled for a good hour. I typically feel bad when I ramble to someone because my problems are my problems and I shouldn't be putting them off on someone else. But tonight it was okay. I do feel a little bit better. Still majorly down but a bit better. I guess that's something.
One thing I am thankful for tonight though is people who actually keep their phones on. I was supposed to go to a get together for my cousin's birthday tonight but opted out. (Partly because of my depression and partly because I wanted to be home to talk to the aforementioned person.) I also thought about hanging out with some friends for awhile but just was not in the mood. I haven't been in the mood for much of anything lately. What's the point? Nothing seems to be going right the past few days anyway. And I'm exhausted from being sick the past week. That's likely only gonna get worse since I'm going to start treatment of some kind next week (good news is insurance will probably cover it). There's just a lot going on and a lot of weight on my shoulders right now. Writing doesn't help, the best friend and I still aren't talking and I don't wanna bother anyone else with the stuff going through my head because it would just prompt constant worry about what my state of mind is. So I texted an old friend, just to see if they were still awake and willing to listen to my babble. And I rambled for a good hour. I typically feel bad when I ramble to someone because my problems are my problems and I shouldn't be putting them off on someone else. But tonight it was okay. I do feel a little bit better. Still majorly down but a bit better. I guess that's something.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Time Was Meant For Mending
I just got off the phone with my brother, our first good talk in awhile. Things seem to be on an up for him at the moment (or at least not as bad as they are for me right now). He just completed his move to Texas, after spending a month home with the family and, shock, his own kids. His health is good and he thinks there's hope for a reconciliation with the Mrs. at some point. I talked to her last week and she was adamant that the divorce was on and that was that. But today we texted a bit and she said she's "open" to putting that plan on hold and "seeing what happens". I don't know what all that means but I've always hoped they could work things out. And now that my brother is less of an idiot and beginning to resemble his former self again, it looks like they could be on the mend. But the sis-in-law has made it clear that, IF a reconciliation happens, it won't be until later this year. She's going to London this summer and he won't be able to go back home until around October. But she hasn't ruled out joining him down in Texas for a few months, depending on how things go from here. At least someone's having a good day. I'm happy for both of them.
Remember All The Things We Wanted, Now All Our Memories, They're Haunted...
Medical stuff is eh. Not the worst news but lots to think about. But tonight my mind is on someone I love who went away. And you know, I think we were always meant to say goodbye. For the first time in a long time I recounted parts of the story of...her departure to someone. I spent a good hour and a half writing and phrasing things properly and re-reading and editing. Finally I sent it off and got ready to go to sleep. Then I immediately had sender's remorse. Not because I'd said anything wrong but because I suddenly felt wildly uncomfortable about it. Obviously I don't share that stuff with many people and, although it seemed like a good idea at the time, I felt like...I don't know. Maybe it was too much. Or not enough, or somewhere in between. The reply made me think about some stuff. Loss is loss but I think there are different kinds. If someone exits your life but continues living, that's one thing. You mourn the end and you both move on with your lives. But when someone leaves permanently and you no longer have the option (even if it's a very far reach) to talk to them or reestablish contact...I mean, it's just done. There's no coming back from it. It sounds so stupid and childish but I remember being in the hospital after I woke up and staring at the heart monitor and just being unable to comprehend how her heart could no longer be beating. Like, how is that even possible? It's such a thin line between life and death. The sound of those monitors, even in TV shows, reminds me of her. In that moment, I would have given anything; my own life and breath and heartbeat, for her to be back again. Because I could not fathom the thought of living without her. But now, ten years on, I know that things work out the way they do for a reason. I wouldn't go back and change it now because everything has worked out as it was supposed to.
All that said, today has been a rough one. I'm sure part of it is that my sister left today and I already miss the great time we had together. But there's always that one unspoken thing between us, which is the whole accident(s) ordeal. My girlfriend was her best friend and they were incredibly close for awhile before I entered the picture. She and I have never talked about any of what happened back then. She's not ready and I know it, so I don't bring it up much. But this time I did (accidentally) and things went silent in a hurry. So I did what I do best. I internalized. And now here I am. Thinking about the bad stuff, considering doing something to kill the pain. I don't know if you ever truly "heal" from something like what happened but you move on. Because you have no choice. But I know for a fact that at least some corner of my heart went when she did and that won't ever come back. The same way a large part of who I used to be died when I almost did. That's not coming back either. So you make the best of what you got now and who you are now. And I'm...I don't know. This time of year is always rough for me but I can usually block out the worst of my feelings until closer to the actual anniversary. Maybe it's the medical stuff that has me sinking sooner than anticipated. And that's the best word for it, sinking.
All that said, today has been a rough one. I'm sure part of it is that my sister left today and I already miss the great time we had together. But there's always that one unspoken thing between us, which is the whole accident(s) ordeal. My girlfriend was her best friend and they were incredibly close for awhile before I entered the picture. She and I have never talked about any of what happened back then. She's not ready and I know it, so I don't bring it up much. But this time I did (accidentally) and things went silent in a hurry. So I did what I do best. I internalized. And now here I am. Thinking about the bad stuff, considering doing something to kill the pain. I don't know if you ever truly "heal" from something like what happened but you move on. Because you have no choice. But I know for a fact that at least some corner of my heart went when she did and that won't ever come back. The same way a large part of who I used to be died when I almost did. That's not coming back either. So you make the best of what you got now and who you are now. And I'm...I don't know. This time of year is always rough for me but I can usually block out the worst of my feelings until closer to the actual anniversary. Maybe it's the medical stuff that has me sinking sooner than anticipated. And that's the best word for it, sinking.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Rocky Mountain High
I don't usually post about stuff in the media but between this and a bunch of links my mom sent me for the Titanic 100th Anniversary, I am one insanely happy (but extremely sore) camper. I may be an East Coast boy now but I will always bleed orange and blue. (Btw, how excited is my nephew, who WORSHIPS Manning, right now?)
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Mi Familia
I had to be up at six in the morning to get poked and prodded for four hours by various medical professionals. I have to go for a biopsy tomorrow to (again) rule out cancer, since my counts from my last blood test are almost as low as they were when I first became ill. Fun times. Upside: I got Starbucks on the way home and I got these nifty get well cards from my nieces and nephews (and brother-in-law).
(My soon-to-be 13-year-old niece)
(My 9-year-old nephew, currently obsessed with hockey)
(My 4-year-old nephew...more of an abstract artist)
(And my 31-year-old bro-in-law, the biggest kid of all. The top got cut off but it says, "The Captain to my Tenille. The J to my PB. The Hall to my Oates. The John to my Paul. The Benson to my Stabler (cuz you are the pretty one). Get well soon brother.)
Friday, March 16, 2012
Surprise!
My family is all kindsa worried about me since my health is not good and I'm more than a little depressed about the insurance crap I'm having to deal with. Crazy Aunt, who has been obsessed with me since the day I was unexpectedly born, is probably the most freaked out of the bunch. Why she's so worried now, as opposed to when cancer was suspected when I first became ill, I have no idea. She played it cool back then but now she's worried and wants to help in any way she can. Apparently she was conspiring to fly out to me and...well, that's as far as she got. There's not really much anyone can do, except the doctors obviously. My mom found out about her plan and I talked Crazy Aunt out of commandeering the first plane she could find in an effort to get to me. However, nobody told me that my sister was also planning on flying out. And so she did today. Not that I'm complaining since I'm a mess and my best friend, who has always had the most patience out of anyone I know when it comes to me and who would typically be here making sure I don't die, is not speaking to me at the moment. Of course, as I write this my new nurse is passed out because she's exhausted from her flight. But I'm still insanely happy she's here. I've been teetering dangerously close to the edge the past few days and the one person who always calls me back from it is my sister. So next up on the agenda is blood tests and maybe (but hopefully not) another spinal tap. The good news I guess is that I won't have to go into the hospital, which I didn't want to do anyway (haha, in your face insurance company!). The bad news is I'm still laid up and it's annoying. But today I was able to move between the couch and my bedroom so that's progress. And I think the swelling has gone down a bit but that could just be my wishful thinking. Anyway, my spirits have definitely been lifted by a couple things today and that's always good.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Attention Shoppers, There's A Special On BOGO Minorities, Aisle Five
I've been laid up in bed much of the last two days and it's driving me crazy. If I move from my left side for too long, the pain there flares up and hurts like a mofo and makes me nauseous. My daughter's bed still lay in ruins because I was in the middle of fixing it when this latest medical thing occurred. (Why does it need fixin'? Cuz I broke it, that's why.) It annoys me when I start a project but can't finish it for whatever reason. Although it's not like she'll be using it anytime soon since I can't even take care of myself right now, let alone a kid. Oh, and my insurance company is refusing to cover any hospitalization so I'm trying to figure out how to do these tests, get rest and have a way to not pay for it. Yeah...banner day all around. But, as I do with most things, I've decided to try and make the best of it. Today making the best of it means finishing (or starting) my birthday shopping for my mom, cousins, daughter and sister-in-law via Amazon. I texted my "wife" today that my mom was annoying me because she refused to tell me what she wants for her birthday. The reply and ensuing conversation gave me the best laugh of the past 24 hours.
Me: My mom is a pain. Her bday is Tues and I ask her what she wants and she ignores me.
W: Huh lol Does she not want you to get her anything? Or does she want a daughter in law?
Me: LOL
Me: I'm sure if they sold those on Amazon, she'd have bought one already.
W: I'm suprised she hasn't purchased a Russian mail order bride yet.
Me: Oh she doesn't really care for the Russians. Prob the only thing holding her back.
W: I'm sure they come in other flavors
Me: Maybe I should get crazy aunt a black guy for her birthday. She is curious about them.
W: Whoa.
W: Whoa.
W: Whoooa
W: Do you think they have a buy one get one free special on those?
W: If they do, be kind rew-wait That's not the right saying...share the wealth!
Me: My mom is a pain. Her bday is Tues and I ask her what she wants and she ignores me.
W: Huh lol Does she not want you to get her anything? Or does she want a daughter in law?
Me: LOL
Me: I'm sure if they sold those on Amazon, she'd have bought one already.
W: I'm suprised she hasn't purchased a Russian mail order bride yet.
Me: Oh she doesn't really care for the Russians. Prob the only thing holding her back.
W: I'm sure they come in other flavors
Me: Maybe I should get crazy aunt a black guy for her birthday. She is curious about them.
W: Whoa.
W: Whoa.
W: Whoooa
W: Do you think they have a buy one get one free special on those?
W: If they do, be kind rew-wait That's not the right saying...share the wealth!
Holy Random Morality, Batman!
Me: "I don't know why. It just seems so wrong to eat the cross that Jesus supposedly died on."
R: "Heh...Like you have morals all of a sudden."
Me: "Once a year. Don't wanna overdo it."
A friend of mine (not the one I had the above convo with) and I have an inside joke about how I lack morals, thanks to all my manwhoring back in the day. I don't know how we got on the subject but one day we started talking about zombies and all the cliche changes that happen when a human becomes one (yes, we were talking about it as if it's an actual thing). And she says to me, "That'd be hilarious if zombie you all of a sudden had morals". And thus, my friends favorite taunt of all time was born. I have no morals, but zombie me does. Today my friend R sent me a picture of a Russell Stover cross and suggested I take one with me to the hospital since it would serve two purposes - a snack and "protection". They didn't have chocolate crosses for Easter when I was a kid (to my knowledge anyway). I remember seeing them a few years ago and my first thought was that there seemed to be something so...off about eating one of those. I mean, I'm not a religious lad but it is allegedly the cross that a dude died on. And for people's sins, no less. But I don't know, maybe it's just my own thing. I'd completely forgotten that I wore a crucifix, pardon the pun, religiously from the time I was 8 until I was about 21. Every day, from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. So maybe that's why I find it in bad taste that they sell chocolate crosses now. But don't worry ya'll, this aversion of mine most likely has to do with the crucifix thing and NOT the sudden onset of morals. Phew...that was a close one.
R: "Heh...Like you have morals all of a sudden."
Me: "Once a year. Don't wanna overdo it."
A friend of mine (not the one I had the above convo with) and I have an inside joke about how I lack morals, thanks to all my manwhoring back in the day. I don't know how we got on the subject but one day we started talking about zombies and all the cliche changes that happen when a human becomes one (yes, we were talking about it as if it's an actual thing). And she says to me, "That'd be hilarious if zombie you all of a sudden had morals". And thus, my friends favorite taunt of all time was born. I have no morals, but zombie me does. Today my friend R sent me a picture of a Russell Stover cross and suggested I take one with me to the hospital since it would serve two purposes - a snack and "protection". They didn't have chocolate crosses for Easter when I was a kid (to my knowledge anyway). I remember seeing them a few years ago and my first thought was that there seemed to be something so...off about eating one of those. I mean, I'm not a religious lad but it is allegedly the cross that a dude died on. And for people's sins, no less. But I don't know, maybe it's just my own thing. I'd completely forgotten that I wore a crucifix, pardon the pun, religiously from the time I was 8 until I was about 21. Every day, from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. So maybe that's why I find it in bad taste that they sell chocolate crosses now. But don't worry ya'll, this aversion of mine most likely has to do with the crucifix thing and NOT the sudden onset of morals. Phew...that was a close one.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Health, Wealth And Happiness...Well, One Outta Three Ain't Bad
I will start this post by stating the facts; Financially, I'm screwed. Emotionally, I'm spent. And physically, I'm falling apart. But in spite of all that I'm in a pretty damn good mood. Why? Who the hell knows, but I'll take the good when it comes my way every time. I had a doctor's appointment today and I thought it would be a routine check of my levels, in spite of my spleen being a bit swollen the past few days. The swelling was worse this morning and that alarmed be a bit and it turned out to be not great for the doctor either. For about a month now, he's been telling me I need to check-in to a hospital and get a full battery of tests and figure out why my levels continue to be all over the place, even though I'm in treatment. I've toyed with the idea since he suggests it every time my spleen swells up but, a week or so later, it usually returns to its normal state and life moves on and I forget all about that whole hospital thing. I've had a rough week physically so I expected another lecture about having to get proper rest and slow down, etc. and I did get one. But I also got a brand new lecture about actually taking some damn advice and going into the hospital for tests. Oh and, in all likelihood, the removal of my spleen. Yeah. I always knew that was a possible outcome of this whole thing but I wanted to avoid it at all costs, mostly because the research I've done says it's 50/50 as to whether it actually helps the condition or not. *sigh* I don't know. All he really wants me to commit to right now are checking in and getting the tests done and anything else we can figure out when/if we need to. The chances of it being anything really bad are dwindling though, which is AWESOME. But even if it turns out to be bad, I have more offers for bone marrow and blood than I know what to do with (although I politely decline the blood, since that may be what got me into this whole mess. But I accept the marrow, kids.). I hate to let my mind wander there but it's good to know I have options if the pendulum swings that way.
All of my medical issues have left the financial side of things looking mighty bleak. I've decided to put paying the medical bills on the back burner since I have no idea how much they're going to be total anyway. I can't imagine having an organ removed will be cheap, and even if they don't do that I'll have to go back on IV meds and those cost A LOT more than I thought they would. (Seriously, you'd think they were pumping liquid gold into my veins). Insurance is covering some stuff but not those since the treatment is considered 'experimental'. Things look up ever so slightly if I delay paying for my illness, because at least I'll have something to live on. What I won't have is the cash to pay for half my daughter's summer preschool program. But that's where the unexpected allies (mentioned in my previous post) come in, in the form of the mother of my child. She's going to pick up the expenses of educating the kid until I can get some money saved up and contribute. And at first I was pissed off that she had to do that but we had a long convo about it that's made me feel...not better, but okay. I'm always saying that everyone has peaks and valleys and needs help every now and again and getting on friends for being too proud to take the help. May as well take my own advice (lord knows I don't take anyone else's, right?). So, all of that together, means I can make it a few more months (maybe even through the summer) with savings and of course, depending on the medical stuff, I can always find other jobs. I really am blessed with awesome loved ones in my life.
You would think the mountain of debt and medical issues would have me feeling all kindsa depressed. And you'd be right. Last week was so rough because I was reeling from all of this (except the spleen thing, obviously) and wasn't sure how to cope. And I may have had a bit too much to drink while reeling from it. But I caught myself. I know stress and depression are my triggers so I curbed the alky after a couple days. But today, even as I was getting the news, I felt...I don't know, okay with it. Stuff happens and you gotta deal and make the best of it. I may have a tough road ahead of me on the medical front, or it may be relatively minor. But either way I'll have people to support me and all of this is temporary. Even if it gets worse before it gets better, it WILL get better at some point. So I guess I'm in such a good mood because the optimist in me has taken the wheel. And that's a great thing. Eventually, I'll have my health again and, hopefully, the wealth will make a comeback (come on lottery scratchers!). And I'm already happy so I'm a third of the way to where I wanna be.
All of my medical issues have left the financial side of things looking mighty bleak. I've decided to put paying the medical bills on the back burner since I have no idea how much they're going to be total anyway. I can't imagine having an organ removed will be cheap, and even if they don't do that I'll have to go back on IV meds and those cost A LOT more than I thought they would. (Seriously, you'd think they were pumping liquid gold into my veins). Insurance is covering some stuff but not those since the treatment is considered 'experimental'. Things look up ever so slightly if I delay paying for my illness, because at least I'll have something to live on. What I won't have is the cash to pay for half my daughter's summer preschool program. But that's where the unexpected allies (mentioned in my previous post) come in, in the form of the mother of my child. She's going to pick up the expenses of educating the kid until I can get some money saved up and contribute. And at first I was pissed off that she had to do that but we had a long convo about it that's made me feel...not better, but okay. I'm always saying that everyone has peaks and valleys and needs help every now and again and getting on friends for being too proud to take the help. May as well take my own advice (lord knows I don't take anyone else's, right?). So, all of that together, means I can make it a few more months (maybe even through the summer) with savings and of course, depending on the medical stuff, I can always find other jobs. I really am blessed with awesome loved ones in my life.
You would think the mountain of debt and medical issues would have me feeling all kindsa depressed. And you'd be right. Last week was so rough because I was reeling from all of this (except the spleen thing, obviously) and wasn't sure how to cope. And I may have had a bit too much to drink while reeling from it. But I caught myself. I know stress and depression are my triggers so I curbed the alky after a couple days. But today, even as I was getting the news, I felt...I don't know, okay with it. Stuff happens and you gotta deal and make the best of it. I may have a tough road ahead of me on the medical front, or it may be relatively minor. But either way I'll have people to support me and all of this is temporary. Even if it gets worse before it gets better, it WILL get better at some point. So I guess I'm in such a good mood because the optimist in me has taken the wheel. And that's a great thing. Eventually, I'll have my health again and, hopefully, the wealth will make a comeback (come on lottery scratchers!). And I'm already happy so I'm a third of the way to where I wanna be.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Drawing The Line And Watching It Fall
Reverted to draft because I was upset and had no business posting what I did. But I'm leaving this up so ya'll know I'm not dead, just busy. And I have plenty of things to write about as soon as I get a minute. Been a rough week. Upside: I've found some unexpected allies.
Monday, March 5, 2012
When You're Right, You're Right
Me: "I require advice." [Explain problem in detail]
(Very long pause)
Me: "Hello?"
Friend: "I'm here...I'm just trying to decide if I should give you the actual advice that is best for you or the opposite of it since you will undoubtedly disregard the former and do the latter anyway."
(Very long pause)
Me: "Hello?"
Friend: "I'm here...I'm just trying to decide if I should give you the actual advice that is best for you or the opposite of it since you will undoubtedly disregard the former and do the latter anyway."
Sunday, March 4, 2012
iLovetheiPhone
I mentioned previously that one of my best friends got a used iPhone and now every text is an adventure. Here's my favorite from today (and there were so very many to choose from):
Him: Maybe she's celibrate
Try #2: *Celebrex
And again: Cellmate
Once more with feeling: conch
My favorite: dan babbit
SUCCESS!!: CELIBATE!
Me: LOL. I. Am. DYING. Wtf did conch come from?
Him: LMAO. I'm still stuck on how 'dag nabbit' became dan babbit.
Him: Maybe she's celibrate
Try #2: *Celebrex
And again: Cellmate
Once more with feeling: conch
My favorite: dan babbit
SUCCESS!!: CELIBATE!
Me: LOL. I. Am. DYING. Wtf did conch come from?
Him: LMAO. I'm still stuck on how 'dag nabbit' became dan babbit.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Engaged & Confused: The Sequel
Awhile back I wrote this about two of my cousins and their dilemmas with their ladies. However this post is about my cousin and his boyfriend...no...wait..."fiance". No...boyfriend. As it stands right now we're calling him his partner because it encompasses both of those other terms and because this situation has become...complicated. If you use the term "boyfriend" around his partner (let's call him M), M flies off the handle and points out that they are now engaged. If you use the term "fiance" around my cousin (N), N very nervously corrects you and says they're just dating. So why the disconnect? It stems from a drunken, half-assed proposal a week ago. While talking about married names and broken engagements with a group of friends, N chimed in talking about how nothing lasts forever and love is no different so why get married at all. M, who is quite traditional in matters of the heart, jokingly declared that to be the most romantic proposal he'd ever heard and said they should marry this summer. And then N made what he now thinks was a huge mistake in saying something along the lines of, "We should actually do that." Especially because M took that to mean they were engaged now and thus, we all have to censor ourselves depending on which of them we're talking to.
I never thought it was an actual proposal, nor engagement because I know my cousin and I know he's very anti-marriage. He came out six years ago and hadn't really dated any dudes before coming out (though he had dated women). M was his first serious relationship with a guy and it came out of absolutely nowhere. They dated for four years and M would have married him within the first thirty seconds if N had asked. But he never did, he never wanted to talk about marriage at all. M used to say all the time that he thought things would turn around once same sex marriage was legalized in their state but that happened and there was still no ring. So M broke it off and they both moved on. N moved on rather quickly to some rich, older dude and played the role of boy toy for awhile. The guy was nice but it obvious that it wasn't going to work out from very early on, and it didn't. Re-enter M and they start dating again late last year. Then comes the engagement debacle. And now? Who the hell knows. But crazy aunt wants a wedding and/or more babies like yesterday and is now silently pinning her hopes on this "engagement". I wouldn't be surprised if she had two little voodoo dolls in the same drawer as her Rosary so she can will it all to work out.
I never thought it was an actual proposal, nor engagement because I know my cousin and I know he's very anti-marriage. He came out six years ago and hadn't really dated any dudes before coming out (though he had dated women). M was his first serious relationship with a guy and it came out of absolutely nowhere. They dated for four years and M would have married him within the first thirty seconds if N had asked. But he never did, he never wanted to talk about marriage at all. M used to say all the time that he thought things would turn around once same sex marriage was legalized in their state but that happened and there was still no ring. So M broke it off and they both moved on. N moved on rather quickly to some rich, older dude and played the role of boy toy for awhile. The guy was nice but it obvious that it wasn't going to work out from very early on, and it didn't. Re-enter M and they start dating again late last year. Then comes the engagement debacle. And now? Who the hell knows. But crazy aunt wants a wedding and/or more babies like yesterday and is now silently pinning her hopes on this "engagement". I wouldn't be surprised if she had two little voodoo dolls in the same drawer as her Rosary so she can will it all to work out.
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