I will start this post by stating the facts; Financially, I'm screwed. Emotionally, I'm spent. And physically, I'm falling apart. But in spite of all that I'm in a pretty damn good mood. Why? Who the hell knows, but I'll take the good when it comes my way every time. I had a doctor's appointment today and I thought it would be a routine check of my levels, in spite of my spleen being a bit swollen the past few days. The swelling was worse this morning and that alarmed be a bit and it turned out to be not great for the doctor either. For about a month now, he's been telling me I need to check-in to a hospital and get a full battery of tests and figure out why my levels continue to be all over the place, even though I'm in treatment. I've toyed with the idea since he suggests it every time my spleen swells up but, a week or so later, it usually returns to its normal state and life moves on and I forget all about that whole hospital thing. I've had a rough week physically so I expected another lecture about having to get proper rest and slow down, etc. and I did get one. But I also got a brand new lecture about actually taking some damn advice and going into the hospital for tests. Oh and, in all likelihood, the removal of my spleen. Yeah. I always knew that was a possible outcome of this whole thing but I wanted to avoid it at all costs, mostly because the research I've done says it's 50/50 as to whether it actually helps the condition or not. *sigh* I don't know. All he really wants me to commit to right now are checking in and getting the tests done and anything else we can figure out when/if we need to. The chances of it being anything really bad are dwindling though, which is AWESOME. But even if it turns out to be bad, I have more offers for bone marrow and blood than I know what to do with (although I politely decline the blood, since that may be what got me into this whole mess. But I accept the marrow, kids.). I hate to let my mind wander there but it's good to know I have options if the pendulum swings that way.
All of my medical issues have left the financial side of things looking mighty bleak. I've decided to put paying the medical bills on the back burner since I have no idea how much they're going to be total anyway. I can't imagine having an organ removed will be cheap, and even if they don't do that I'll have to go back on IV meds and those cost A LOT more than I thought they would. (Seriously, you'd think they were pumping liquid gold into my veins). Insurance is covering some stuff but not those since the treatment is considered 'experimental'. Things look up ever so slightly if I delay paying for my illness, because at least I'll have something to live on. What I won't have is the cash to pay for half my daughter's summer preschool program. But that's where the unexpected allies (mentioned in my previous post) come in, in the form of the mother of my child. She's going to pick up the expenses of educating the kid until I can get some money saved up and contribute. And at first I was pissed off that she had to do that but we had a long convo about it that's made me feel...not better, but okay. I'm always saying that everyone has peaks and valleys and needs help every now and again and getting on friends for being too proud to take the help. May as well take my own advice (lord knows I don't take anyone else's, right?). So, all of that together, means I can make it a few more months (maybe even through the summer) with savings and of course, depending on the medical stuff, I can always find other jobs. I really am blessed with awesome loved ones in my life.
You would think the mountain of debt and medical issues would have me feeling all kindsa depressed. And you'd be right. Last week was so rough because I was reeling from all of this (except the spleen thing, obviously) and wasn't sure how to cope. And I may have had a bit too much to drink while reeling from it. But I caught myself. I know stress and depression are my triggers so I curbed the alky after a couple days. But today, even as I was getting the news, I felt...I don't know, okay with it. Stuff happens and you gotta deal and make the best of it. I may have a tough road ahead of me on the medical front, or it may be relatively minor. But either way I'll have people to support me and all of this is temporary. Even if it gets worse before it gets better, it WILL get better at some point. So I guess I'm in such a good mood because the optimist in me has taken the wheel. And that's a great thing. Eventually, I'll have my health again and, hopefully, the wealth will make a comeback (come on lottery scratchers!). And I'm already happy so I'm a third of the way to where I wanna be.
