Medical stuff is eh. Not the worst news but lots to think about. But tonight my mind is on someone I love who went away. And you know, I think we were always meant to say goodbye. For the first time in a long time I recounted parts of the story of...her departure to someone. I spent a good hour and a half writing and phrasing things properly and re-reading and editing. Finally I sent it off and got ready to go to sleep. Then I immediately had sender's remorse. Not because I'd said anything wrong but because I suddenly felt wildly uncomfortable about it. Obviously I don't share that stuff with many people and, although it seemed like a good idea at the time, I felt like...I don't know. Maybe it was too much. Or not enough, or somewhere in between. The reply made me think about some stuff. Loss is loss but I think there are different kinds. If someone exits your life but continues living, that's one thing. You mourn the end and you both move on with your lives. But when someone leaves permanently and you no longer have the option (even if it's a very far reach) to talk to them or reestablish contact...I mean, it's just done. There's no coming back from it. It sounds so stupid and childish but I remember being in the hospital after I woke up and staring at the heart monitor and just being unable to comprehend how her heart could no longer be beating. Like, how is that even possible? It's such a thin line between life and death. The sound of those monitors, even in TV shows, reminds me of her. In that moment, I would have given anything; my own life and breath and heartbeat, for her to be back again. Because I could not fathom the thought of living without her. But now, ten years on, I know that things work out the way they do for a reason. I wouldn't go back and change it now because everything has worked out as it was supposed to.
All that said, today has been a rough one. I'm sure part of it is that my sister left today and I already miss the great time we had together. But there's always that one unspoken thing between us, which is the whole accident(s) ordeal. My girlfriend was her best friend and they were incredibly close for awhile before I entered the picture. She and I have never talked about any of what happened back then. She's not ready and I know it, so I don't bring it up much. But this time I did (accidentally) and things went silent in a hurry. So I did what I do best. I internalized. And now here I am. Thinking about the bad stuff, considering doing something to kill the pain. I don't know if you ever truly "heal" from something like what happened but you move on. Because you have no choice. But I know for a fact that at least some corner of my heart went when she did and that won't ever come back. The same way a large part of who I used to be died when I almost did. That's not coming back either. So you make the best of what you got now and who you are now. And I'm...I don't know. This time of year is always rough for me but I can usually block out the worst of my feelings until closer to the actual anniversary. Maybe it's the medical stuff that has me sinking sooner than anticipated. And that's the best word for it, sinking.
