I Don't Want You, I Don't Need You, I Don't Love You Anymore

My cousin is one of the nicest and smartest people I know. He's also one of the most vulnerable people I know, and that's gotten him into trouble in the past. In high school, he had a girlfriend who treated him like dirt and he just put up with it because he'd become so attached to her. She moved away his Junior year and he began dating someone else who was perfect for him. She was sweet and smart and appreciated what a good guy he is and they were definitely each other's first loves. But once they went off to college it became harder to stay together so they, reluctantly, broke up and dated other people. The next chick he dated was the complete opposite of his first love, in both looks and personality. But they were happy for a few years. She started talking marriage (they were like 20 at the time) and he ended it because he knew she wasn't it for him and he didn't want to lead her on. She didn't take it well. She blamed everything gone wrong in her life on him for years. She also accused him of having cheated on her, which wasn't true at all but I guess was how she needed to spin it to make herself feel better. (They recently ran into each other and she apologized for all of that.) He began dating K about five minutes after that last relationship ended. She was three years younger and all personality and they got along well and she really gelled awesomely with our family. The same was not true for him and her family though; she was raised a conservative Christian and her family really wanted her to marry a dude who was the same (we were raised Catholic, few of us still practice it though). But they thought he was a good guy so they accepted him.
Over the course of the past seven years, my cousin and K had many ups and downs. They broke up at least half a dozen times but it never stuck. She was extremely jealous of his first love and always felt like he was going to go back to her at some point. During one of their first splits, she went out and partied with a bunch of dudes and made sure he found out about it and he told her how that killed him but she didn't see a problem. So he met up with his first love and other friends and made sure K found out about it. She. Went. Ballistic. Yes, it was juvenile for both of them to do that and he only did it to illustrate how she'd made him feel. But he ended up paying for it. She'd only take him back if he agreed not to see his ex again, ever, not even allowed to say a word to her in passing. And he agreed. And they continued on for more years and through more break ups and make ups. They both said they would get married someday and he was ready like three years into the relationship but she wanted to finish school, so they put it off. Then she finished school and he was ready to propose and she said she still wasn't ready to marry. He was fine with that, as long as she said that's where they were headed someday in the next little while. But she couldn't, she suddenly decided she wasn't sure she ever wanted to marry. By now, he also suspected she was having an affair with a dude in her class so he decided to just call it a day and ended it. She was fine with that for awhile and started dating some other guy (not the one from class) and then became engaged to him. The cousin was obviously very taken aback by her decision but figured if she was moving on then he should too and that's when it was finally completely over for him. It seemed like the break-up would overall be pretty effortless. But, oh no. Not even close.
K became unengaged about a month after the dude put a ring on it, and started calling the cousin and asking how he was doing, etc. He told her that they were done and he no longer wished to hear from her, but that he wished her the best. That pissed her off and she kept calling, so he changed his number. What he didn't do is unfriend (defriend? I don't know what the kids call it) her sister on Facebook. So when he posted a picture of him and his first love having lunch (as friends), K's sister saw it and passed along the info. She sent him a nasty email and he told her they were just friends and it was none of her business anyway. However, as of last week, he and his first love are very much back on and somehow K found out about it (we don't know how). Her retaliation is apparently suing him for...we're not exactly sure what. They shared a home for most of their relationship, but he had purchased it before they started dating so I don't think she has any claim to it. However, she's looking for her half of the proceeds from when he sells it, something he's considering doing but has yet to commit to. So far it's just a threat, who knows if it'll actually result in a lawsuit. But damn girl. Let. It. Go. We also used to be friends obviously and she remained friends with some of the fam after they split up but there's no way any of us can stay friends with her now. She's making things more difficult than they need to be. According to one of her friends the cousin is still in touch with, the point of her engagement was to show him she was ready to get married. Wtf? I don't know. It's ridiculous. This isn't like ya'll are apart because life pulled you apart but you're still in love. He doesn't even want to hear her name anymore. He's a great guy and I know this has been hard on him and he doesn't like to be on bad terms with anyone but I know he will not hesitate to cut her completely the hell off if she keeps harassing him. *sigh*...Upside: He's happy with the first love. Everything comes full circle at some point, I guess.

All I Wanna Do Is Get Knocked Up By A Stranger

The scene: My brother, sister-in-law and I were flipping through the music channels on TV and stopped on the 90's station (which the sis and I love, but my brother is iffy about). The first few songs were ones we were very familiar with and then Heart's "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" came on, which none of us had heard in years. My brother commented on the video though and how no one could forget it, nor the subject matter of the song. Basically, the chick singing the song picks up a hitchhiker, doesn't know his name or anything else but "fate" tells her they should have a one night stand. They find a hotel and "make magic" and the next day she takes off before he wakes up and leave him a note saying they made a kid. Years later, they run into one another and she tells him she's with another dude, and was the night they hooked up, but he couldn't give her a baby so she essentially used him as an on the spot sperm donor. Yeah...what can I say, it was the 80's/90's kids. Anyway, this is the conversation we had during the song and damn it if it didn't put me in a better mood.

Me: I can't believe this was a hit, this song is ridiculous.
Sis: The video was epic though!
Bro: I don't remember this one.
Me: She picks up some stranger on the side of the road, they do it and she has his kid.
Sis: Oh yeah and isn't she like married the whole time?
Bro: Ew

[Silence for about 30 seconds while we all process the story]

Me: People make it so complicated these days. She wanted a baby, she found a dude and just did it. Now people need screenings and love and junk.

[Bro and Sis start laughing]

Sis: She was ahead of her time...and I like how you call it "junk". You're such a romantic, big brother.
Bro: So wait, he only finds out about the kid because he sees him years later? She coulda called.
Sis: She was married to someone else, she passed the baby off as his. She just wanted the baby.
Me: That, and she probably didn't have his number. Being that she picked him up on the side of the road and all.
Bro: Oh duh. Yeah, I don't think I'll be downloading this.
Bro: Is it weird that someone wrote your autobiography into a song when you were like 9?

LOL. Oh, how I love my little brother. Bastard.

All My Exes Live In Texas

Okay, so not all of my exes actually live in Texas. It's actually only a couple that either live here or are from here, something I never noticed until recently. And I only noticed it because I've heard from both of them since I've been Down South. My best friend (who turned 31 today, Happy Birthday!) has always said my dating history amazes her because I have been all over the map in terms of type. I do tend to favor certain things, but in terms of looks my exes are all pretty different (the only thing they have in common is they're all brunettes, except for one). Personality-wise, they're also a mixed bag, but the one thing they all have in common is they all were (or on occasion could be) very generous people. I think that's why I've managed to stay on amicable terms with most of them. Because no matter how nasty some of the break-ups were, we eventually went to our separate corners and cooled off and realized we did care about each other at some point and so there shouldn't be animosity. Obviously, I don't stay in close contact with any of them since we all have our own lives now. But every now and then I get a text or I shoot off a text when I hear something's happened to someone (marriage, baby, death in the family).
Because of these somewhat amicable relationships with some of the exes, I wasn't surprised to get a couple of texts after my ER debacle the other night (cliffnotes: ER for pain, maybe losing the spleen, time will tell). Texas is a big ass state but Dallas seems to be a small ass town. This ex and I have an extensive history and used to follow the same M.O. every time we were single. We'd put out a text or a call and ask if the other was single, spend some time rebounding with each other and then head on back out there into the wild world or dating (other people). A few years ago, we had a week together where we seriously considered getting back together but something was missing, so we decided to officially, officially end it and move on for good. Fate had other plans. A month after we made that decision, her brother was killed and she called me. I went to the funeral and spent the weekend with her and I just remember it feeling very...different. It wasn't awkward or anything, I think she was just grieving and we both knew there was nothing I could say to make it better or bring her brother back, so we spent a lot of time in silence. And somehow at the end of the weekend, without speaking much, we decided that we were actually at the end. We still cared about each other but whatever had us running back to one another when life got too rough was gone. Since then, we've spoken very rarely. But this week I had to call on her to help me with a project. But what once was there is still MIA so it was strictly business. And that felt right actually. And considering the hold we used to have on each other, it's crazy to think about how it's just gone now.
Ex numero dos and I took an interesting route to the dating thing. We were actually acquaintances for years but nothing close to being friends. Honestly, I had a completely different impression of her than what she's really like. I thought she was serious all the time and all about work and just not my kinda people. But she showed up completely unexpectedly after my accident and brought me two of my favorite things and just sat and listened to me vent. After that we became friends and eventually began dating and it went well for awhile. But it soon went off the rails and ended in ugly fashion, although the end of our relationship was the beginning of my climbing out of the hole I'd dug myself into. We, of course, fell into hooking up whenever we were single and bored. Then one day she suddenly cut off all contact for about a month. When she resurfaced, she said she was catching feelings and needed the distance because if we dated again and it didn't work out she wouldn't be able to have me in her life anymore, and she still wanted to be friends. So we went back to being just friends...but started hooking up again awhile later. Then my best friend reminded me that the reason we stopped hooking up was the feelings thing and wondered what was different now. I asked the same question to the ex and she never gave me a reply and promptly made her exit. We've barely talked since then, but she texted recently after hearing I was unwell. I thanked her for the concern but told her I was still kickin' and that was that. I was shocked she even still had my number and I highly doubt I'll hear from her again. Evidently she just happened to be in town and heard a rumor and wanted to check it out. So, I guess really only two of my exes live in Texas.

Told Myself That You Were Right For Me, But Felt So Lonely In Your Company

I'm tired. Of being pissed off all the time. Of being reeled in when she needs someone to be there. Of being thrown back out when she doesn't. I'm tired of making myself available to talk whenever she needs, but not having the same courtesy extended in my time of need. I'm tired of waiting on a text or a call or a five minute window where I fit into someone's schedule. I understand becoming all-consumed with a project or with work because I do it too, but I can always make time to talk to the people I love. Because you don't FIND time when someone you love needs to talk, you MAKE time. And I'm beginning to see why she and her ex fought so much about her work. She's only worked short stretches since I've known her and when she does, it's like we're on hold. She works all day (which I get obviously), then has to "network" with everyone she just spent all day working with. Every night. If I were in the fucking emergency room and she were on a job, she'd have to try and find time in her schedule to text and see if I was alive. And I'm not okay with that.
I'm not okay with having to hold my tongue all the time. There's a point in a relationship where you lower the walls and open up and a kind of safety has to precede that. And it did for me before I opened up. And now it's like the door has slammed shut and I no longer have any sense of safety. And I have said as much. But she won't let me go. She'll bait the hook just enough, revert back to the person I used to feel so much for, and I bite every time. Whether out of loneliness or weakness or...I don't know what. She has this way of bringing me to my knees even when my mind is made up to leave. I'll do something I know she can't overlook and we'll go to verbal blows about it and, in those angry moments, I will be stern and totally committed to being out the door. But when the dust settles I always seem to be the one begging, completely unable to walk away. Like a fucking hostage.
I couldn't understand why I fell into this pattern for the longest time. Then it hit me. I've done this dance before. With both my first girlfriend and the mother of my child. The on and off, the nasty arguments, the inevitable make-up hours later. It's not new to me at all. But this time is different. One of the consequences of opening up to people is that your vulnerability and your secrets (if you have any) give them ammo when you fight. Everybody has blurted out something extremely personal or hurtful in the heat of the moment. But to methodically and deliberately do that every time you fight is just cruel. Just because you know where you can land the punches, it doesn't mean you should throw them. With love comes a certain amount of restraint. my first girlfriend and my ex both had the ammo and the ability to land punches. But they never threw them. At some point, love overpowered being upset or hurt and they walked away. Not her. She throws them every damn time. It may only be one or two but she makes them count. Then apologizes when the smoke clears. Or at least she used to. "I'm sorry, I was upset" has been replaced by, "Well you deserved it". And as the fights became nastier and the apologies slowly went away, I found myself becoming more and more apathetic. To the point where I didn't even miss the contact when she started a job and went MIA. Our incessant texts and calls, which had once been like air to me, dried up and I really could've given a fuck.
I sense she's also at the end of her rope (whatever the reason), which is why I don't understand four days of little contact; not 30 seconds to send a text or 2 minutes to make a call; and then asking when in the next two days I'm taking her out. Oh and to add to that, 80% of the texts she did send included the words, "I'm so exhausted", yet a few hours later she would be out at long ass dinners, supposedly for work. Cuz apparently they were holding a gun to her head to do that or something. You're so tired that you can't call someone you say you love, but not too tired to go out to an hours long dinner with work acquaintances? It's not like this is your career, it's just a side gig. Is missing just one of  those outing really going to derail your professional life? You've been working twelve hour days for days on end, I highly doubt they're going to judge you too harshly for needing to turn in early and catch up on your own personal life. I'm so sick of hearing about people "making" her do shit. "My friends made me take shots." "These people are making me go to dinner." You are a grown ass human being. No one can make you do anything.
Of course when I finally voice my feelings on everything going on, it's turned around and made my fault. "I'm not a mindreader, I didn't know you needed to talk." And my personal favorite, "I'm not doing this with you". Because my voicing my feelings must mean I'm trying to pick a fight. Which is why I don't voice my feelings much anymore. Whenever I do, it's just taken as me being hostile and I'm treated like a damn child. Then she says something about how I can't handle her working and that she's lost a relationship previously because she worked too much. And that this is why she got to where she was in her career, because she devotes all of herself to it and is on call 24/7. And how this is just how she gets when she works and I need to adjust to it. My ass. I'm not playing second fiddle to someone's job (and it's not even her career, it's a for now kinda gig). I was all-consumed with my career throughout my 20's until I realized there's much more to life than that. If I lose a project, it's not the end of the world. As the saying goes, never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life. If you think you are able to balance life and work, and we're all able, it's just a matter of wanting to and committing to doing it, then show me. If you get so wrapped up in work that you can't make a life outside of it, then that's your choice too. Have fun with your money and your drunk ass friends, all going out and partying like you're college kids when you're really all pushing 40.
These are also the kind of things that have always given me pause about this "relationship". She talks about kids and a life together all the time. But, in all honesty, I think her ego is too big to be a parent. Kids take you down a notch for sure but I don't think she gets that. She talks about nannies and going away for a month while my mom watches the kids. I don't want that. Even if I were a millionaire, I wouldn't want a nanny raising my kids. And you can't work your life away and have a kid (you can but the results are never good). I've always said I'd be more than willing to be a stay-at-home dad if I were fortunate enough to be, but I'm not going to stay home with the kids while your work people are "making" you go out for drinks. And I'm definitely not explaining to those kids why you're never around. Nor am I explaining to you twenty years down the line why your kids don't call you or feel a bond with you.
All of that would have been way in the future obviously but my mind would wander there on occasion. In hindsight, I find it quite telling that we never took the step of her meeting my kid because I never felt comfortable with it. Something always held me back and I think it was actually my better judgement (yeah, every now and again I listen to that dude). Something in me knew this wasn't "it". Hell, something in me is surprised it has lasted this long. But true colors always shine through. If I tell you my spleen is going to be removed in a matter of weeks and I'm freaked the fuck out and you tell me you'll clear your schedule and be there for all of it, I want to believe you. I want to believe that I'm that important to somebody that they will rearrange their life to be there for me when I'm sick. But I don't. And my suspicion proves well-founded when I literally BEG you to talk me through it and you don't because you have somewhere else to be. I felt myself completely disengage when a few hours later you ask if I'm okay and I say no and that I've been worried and scared since we hung up and your reply is, "Ok. Not sure what you wanted me to do about it". Do you have any idea how fucking cold that sounds to someone having health issues? It's like fucking Jekyll and Hyde. And I truly don't care anymore. If you no longer need me to serve whatever purpose I once did because you're back in the workforce now, then just let me go. If you've reached your limit and can no longer tolerate making time for my unimportant little life, then don't let the door hit you on the way out. I'm already tired all the time because of my anemia, and that's only going to get worse after the surgery (the exhaustion, not the anemia we hope). I don't need someone in my life that can only be there for me when they can fit it into their schedule. I don't need someone who is able to profess their love to me in one breath, and say something that makes me feel awful in the next. The euphoric feeling I used to get with her has long since vanished and I used to think it was my fault. I'm too fickle, too quick to bore. But I'm not doing that anymore. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm done.

Pain's The Warning That Something's Wrong

It's been a bad news, bad news kinda day. Typically when a day is bad you're able to say, "Well at least you have your health." I, however, do not have that. I woke up this morning in some small Texas town and, after an early morning long ass trek, made my way back (brother in tow) to the big city. Along the way, my phone had gone from not making texts to not making calls and then finally back to normal. I started working (late, unfortunately) on this project and then the internet at my brother's place went out. In hindsight, I should've gone back to bed right then. But, ever the optimist, I continued on. I went to show this client some of my ideas for the project and discovered that I had botched the photos I took for it. I felt like an idiot and I should've known better than to try and do it myself anyway. Fortunately, the client is very forgiving and willing to let me fix my mistake (I called on a friend who is a photographer to re-do everything and luckily she was available this week). We were going over other aspects of the project when I was felled (literally) by pain in my chest and then my side. I had to explain my way out of having knocked everything off of their coffee table (including framed pictures of their kids) and excuse myself to the bathroom. I said it was nothing but by now I know better. Pain in my chest or my side is not good. Pain in both at the same time is really not good. They were very nice about it and fed me and let me lay down on the couch for awhile until I felt a little better. My sister-in-law eventually had to come get me and take me home.
One of my best friend's, immortalized here for his auto-correct awesomeness, was once upon a time on track to become a doctor like his father before him. He dropped out of med school his first year and it caused a rift between him and dear old dad (although it had been brewing for eons beforehand). Lucky for me, he and his dad got back on speaking terms a few years ago. His dad is down in Houston but was able to refer me to a colleague in this neck of the woods for a blood draw. The results of that are back in a few days, but I already know the most likely outcome. I had a conversation with my doctor back home about a month ago about side effects of my transfusions. Chest pain was one of them, but if it got to a certain level of pain I was supposed to go to the ER. I am a doctor's worst patient, so I didn't go to the ER. But I did make appointments every time it happened. Until it began happening more frequently. Then I just kinda...tried to ignore it. About a week ago, I had a particularly terrible attack before I went to bed. I could barely talk, I struggled to catch my breath. A few days later my side began to hurt but it was just minor shooting pains. I didn't mention any of it to my nurses who did my blood draws. Since then I've been having good days and bad days but I try to ignore the bad ones and just press on. I'm supposed to have blood drawn once a week, no matter what, but I didn't schedule one for last week or this week. Even without the results from this one in, I can tell my levels are way too low. And I was advised some time ago that if they got to that point again, they'd take more blood to confirm the levels, then more blood to rule out cancer (yet again), and then out would come my spleen. Yeah. And it's a downer. If that is the case, I'll have to skip my trip home and go back to where I came from and have surgery in the next few weeks. The thing about that is I have nowhere to go once I get there. My apartment is being subletted until the end of July. But the recovery from surgery would begin in early July and take god knows how long (took my brother quite sometime to be back to 100% after his was removed). So I don't know. Way too much uncertainty right now. I hate this.

The Stars At Night Are Big And Bright

Ain't that the truth. I have been in Dallas a week now and I have never been hotter and humider in my life. It is literally a billion degrees here with humidity of one million percent. Ok, maybe I exaggerate but it is mofo hot. The devil may have gone down to Georgia but I firmly believe his main residence is located deep in the heart of Texas. Whilst I was complaining about the heat to a friend, they came up with the perfect slogan for this state - "Hell is real. Hell is Texas". And, weather-wise, that is pretty spot on. I'm not knocking the state in general, mind you. I quite enjoy my time in Texas and have spent a fair amount of time in the state because I've dated a few chicks who live here. I've been here through freaky ass storms and tornado warnings and even snow. But I don't think it's ever been this mofo hot and humid while I've been here. All that said, it's still been a pretty fantastic trip. I saw my hometown baseball team lose to the Texas Rangers (twice, in fact). I unexpectedly got a job with an acquaintance so that's been taking up a good amount of my time, but it's been fun. In a way it's taken me back to my film school days, which I loved, and reminded me why I fell in love with my profession to begin with. And the past two days have been spent road trippin' from even further down South with my brother. He's in the final stages of moving his stuff from a little town where he began working a few months ago to Dallas, where he'll be working the rest of the summer. But that three hour drive from point A to point B is crazy, ya'll (you'd think that last word would be me picking up the lingo here but actually I use 'ya'll' all the time). His car broke down twice and we ended up in more diners than I'd care to count. But we didn't fight. Which is awesome. And things could've been much worse. There's always an upside. I'm to my last few days (possibly, I may stay til the weekend) in town and I've got to catch up on some work stuff. But this has definitely been the best part of my summer so far.

We Keep Spending Most Our Lives Living In A Gangster's Paradise

Me: Guess what song I heard twice today
Me: Reminds me of you
Her: Gangsta's paradise?
Me: lol Yeah, THAT reminds me of our "marriage"
Me: Especially, 'As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death'
Her: LOL Oh fuck you
Her: Fuck you long and hard
Me: LOL
======================
(Later in the week)

Me: lol Gangsta's Paradise just came on
Me: As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Me: I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left
Me: Those will so be my vows someday
Her: LOL
Her: Jerk

A Drunk Mind Speaks A Sober Heart

Riddle me this...what is it about alcohol that makes people turn into damn fools? A friend of mine got a drunken call from a dude she's been hooking up with asking if she'd be into a threesome with him and his guy friend. The guy friend was apparently egging it on, right next to him as he made the call and posed the question. She recoiled and hung up the phone, but kept thinking about it afterward (for obvious reasons). They've only been hooking up for two months and evidently he's still a little hung up on his ex. Her divorce was just finalized (after literally years of waiting) and she has a daughter and is working on her PhD and has been reluctant to do just a hook up thing in the past because she worried she would catch feelings. But she decided to have fun with this dude and see where it goes. So far it goes...interesting. Because of his ex-factor (he's been known to also call the ex while drunk, asking why she dumped him), it's been all about sex and not really emotions. Who knows what happens from here now that he's asked about the threesome thing.

You know you've been a major manwhore in a past life when one of your friends asks you for advice about a threesome. And this is the kind of advice I am qualified to give out, kids. Perhaps I shouldn't be proclaiming that in this forum but really, ain't no shame. I'm not surprised that a dude asked a chick for a threesome, nor am I surprised that he wanted another dude involved (although I do think it interesting he asked about a dude and not another chick). But I am a little thrown by how brazen this dude was in asking, and in asking someone he hasn't been with that long. Even if you know the chick you're with is curious about it or has done it in the past, I still think you wait to ask for something like that. I don't know...different strokes for different folks, as they say.

Can You Stand The Envy

Friend: Guess...who...I...am...going to see live in concert. Guess!
Me: ?
Friend: Ok I'll tell you
Friend: NEW EDITION!!
Me: Ah
Friend: Go on, be jealous. I'll give you a minute
Me: Um I would be jealous
Me: If it were the 90's
Friend: LOL...Oooohh.
Friend: Whatever, I'm gonna pretend you're jealous and sing my ass off anyway
Me: lol You do that then

When You Know, You Know

Years ago, I had a friend who told me the tale of her sister's engagement and marriage and I remember thinking it was ridiculous. Her sister met this dude and married him all within a three month span. They were engaged for about five minutes before having a quickie family wedding. A decade later, they have five kids and are still going strong so they obviously did something right. Then there's my sister and bro-in-law's story. They were still teenagers when they met and my bro-in-law has always said he knew the moment they met that he never wanted to be with anyone else. Not exactly love at first sight but just some general understanding that that is where we was meant to be. My sister however, did not feel the same. He asked her out, she said no. He asked her out again and she said no again. She even avoided sitting with me at lunch for awhile because she knew I'd be sitting with him. Finally she decided to accept the date just to get him out of her hair and the rest, as they say, is history. They're two very different stories of getting together but I think they have the same thing in common in that they were all smart enough to (eventually) ignore what other people were saying about things moving too fast and just go with it. They all just...knew.
A few days ago, another friend told me about her best friend having eloped with a dude she's known six weeks. They're both single parents and religious and just decided in the span of a month and a half to get hitched. Another case of knowing when you know I guess. And I get it, I've been that in love and that enamored with a person that you want to propose on the spot and just go for it. Fortunately for me (and my ex-lady friends), I'm not that...stupid. Let me explain. I'm not saying people that do jump in like that are wrong in any way, everybody does things differently and everything happens the way it is meant to. But it's always been in my nature to lose sight of the long-term ramifications of things. I'm a sucker for weddings so I inevitably get all worked up and think about how I might like that someday (eons from now, mind you), but forget that marriage is for life (which it really isn't for many people these days but would be for me). I get bored and that's really the major thing holding me back from feeling like I could ever make that kind of a long ass commitment. The funny thing is, I would have absolutely no qualms about proposing. Weird, huh? A long ass engagement with the right person I find to be completely doable. But I feel like the marriage thing adds a different dimension and would maybe make me feel too fenced in. I want to feel committed and in something for keeps BUT I don't want to lose my freedom. Impossible combination? We shall see. I wondered out loud in a post a few years ago whether I need someone equally scared of losing their independence, or if the reverse is true and I need someone who has dreamed about a wedding their entire life and has no fear of it and can reassure me that marriage does not equal losing your freedom. Jury is still out I guess.

Abuse

I've written before (although I'm too lazy to look for the post) about abusive relationships and how I don't understand them. Growing up, a woman I considered my aunt tolerated an abusive husband and, after he was sent to prison for other crimes, an abusive boyfriend. The boyfriend not only knocked her around, he hit the kids too and she let it happen. Eventually she and the boyfriend broke up, the husband was released from prison and she took him back for awhile. When that ended again, she took all four kids and moved to another part of the country and seemed to be doing okay (by her standards anyway), even though two of her kids already had kids of their own. She died on Christmas Eve a few years ago from an overdose (unintentional) and the kids have all been adrift ever since. Her decision to stay in those terrible relationships has affected them terribly and will affect them and their kids the rest of their lives. I can't stand to think about it sometimes because all of those kids had such potential, but I guess this is an example of children learning what they live.
Contrast that situation and story with the one of my aunts who left her husband the first time he laid a hand on her. Nobody in the family ever cared for the dude, but she got knocked up and decided to marry him anyway. They had a son, and a daughter followed three years later. Not even a year after they had their daughter he came home drunk one night and made a big deal out of something minor and she got upset. They argued and then he slapped her across the face. It took her all of two seconds to recover from the shock of it but once she did, she kicked him right in the cojones and grabbed the kids and left. The next day she filed for divorce. No one ever heard from him again and she's gone on to live a much better life without him. Her kids grew up to be pretty damn good adults; one is in law school and the other one is married and working on her Master's in psychology. Thankfully they were too young to remember any of it and are much better off because their mother chose to take herself out of a bad situation.
Up until college, those were my only examples of abuse in a relationship and it's always interested me to see how different people handle it. My best friend and I went home for the summer after our first year of college. She'd met this dude she kinda liked and they were hanging out for a few weeks but it wasn't anything serious for her. He apparently thought differently and somehow found out she was also hanging out with other dudes. He showed up to hang with us one night and you could tell he was peeved about something but he didn't say anything about it so we didn't ask. We decided to go out, but the boy toy convinced the best friend to stay behind with him for awhile. A few hours later, those of us who did go out headed back to our apartment and I knocked on the door to her room and she told me to go away. I could tell she was upset so I didn't go away and, after I incessantly inquired about what was wrong, she finally let out that he'd gotten physical with her after we'd left. Nothing really serious (lucky for him) but he'd pushed her and put his fist through a wall behind her head. I wanted to kill the dude, I was so livid. She kept trying to calm me down and said she kicked him out but didn't want to make a big deal out of it, she just wanted to move on. I didn't sleep that night and the next day I confronted the dude and, without laying a hand on him, let him know it would be in his best interest not to call or come around her anymore. And he never did. I don't know what would've happened had he not listened to me, but it wouldn't have been good.
A friend told me recently about an acquaintance of hers who was harmed physically by the dude she's dating. From what I hear, she's fallen completely into the victim mentality already. "I shouldn't have upset him, I know he has a temper", "Do you think I should text him and apologize?". It's just sickening. If a dude lays a hand on you in that way once, he will do it again. Hell, it's not even just dudes, chicks can do the same thing. So I guess the point is anyone who hits you or is aggressive with you once will without question do it again. And you're likely not the first one they've done it to either. That kind of behavior repeats and those that perpetrate such behavior learn to seek out people they know will not tell or will not leave even after things turn violent. The majority of the women in my life (and maybe all of them actually) are the types who would never tolerate violence of any kind in a relationship. If a dude even thought about taking a swing at any one of them, the cops would never find the guy's body. Growing up we were always told you don't lay your hands on someone you love in that manner, EVER. Maybe that's why I just don't get it.

If I Ever Actually Won The Stanley Cup...

My daughter, nieces and nephews (and okay, my brother-in-law and me too) would so do this.

Quote Of The Day

Me: You didn't support my awesome idea then and you don't support it now.
Aunt: The hell I didn't [my first and middle names]! I have always supported all of you kids.
Other Aunt: Yeah. You're everything you are because she loved you, mijo.

LOL. Awesome. My family is hilarious and my aunts have provided all kinds of great moments during their stay. One leaves tonight, the other one leaves tomorrow for Boston and this weekend's anniversary party (I know it seems like they're celebrating this ten year thing a lot but A) Our family doesn't have (and may not get) many long marriages and B) The bride is from Boston, groom is from Denver and they live in NY so they're trying to make sure everyone gets to celebrate. And bring gifts.). I will see them both again very soon since I'm spending the last weeks of my subletting journey traveling, but it doesn't make their departure now any less bittersweet. I look forward to sharing the hilarity in the next few posts.

A Call In The Night

In the past hour alone...

Me: It's stuck in my drain
Friend: ? What's stuck in your drain?
Me: What?
Friend: What does something being stuck in your drain have to do with anything?
Me: Again, what?
Friend: Brain?
Me: Pinky? lol Wtf?
Friend: LOL. Read YOUR texts to me and THEN respond.
Friend: Do NOT respond PRIOR to reading those texts.
Me: lol Ohhhh. Brain, not drain.
Friend: lol Whose on First!
Me: Idk, but if they're wearing an extra speshul helmut, they're probably related to me.
=========================================

Me: How dare they make you work hard for the monkey
Friend: Um...
Friend: Money?
Me: LOL. Yeah, that
Me: Although I guess either applies for you, really
Friend: Wow, lol smoove
Me: I told you I tried!
Me: *sigh*
Me: *I told you I'M TIRED
Friend: That makes sense, I went back through my texts wondering when the hell you had told me you had tried


I am borderline exhausted. My anemia was already giving me guff the past few days but now comes word that my brother had a seizure last night. (For the newbies amongst the crowd, my brother has a non-cancerous brain tumor.) He's on medication that's been keeping the seizures away but he ran out over the weekend and couldn't get the prescription filled until today. Apparently it was a day too late. He had to go to the ER and was released early this morning from the hospital. He's okay now and has his meds and his wife is on her way down to see him. Evidently I'm still his emergency contact in his phone because I got a call about him being there and asking if I could get there within an hour. Given that he's in Texas and I am not...that'd be a no. Then I started freaking out because we don't have any family in his neck of the woods down there; my cousin and her husband are in Houston, but my brother lives around Dallas. I only know one group o' people in Dallas but I haven't talked to the majority of them in quite some time. Desperate times yo. One of my exes lives down there with her family. I talked to her a couple months ago, but haven't had any contact with her family in awhile. I called her but she's out of town this week so she called her mom to be with him at the hospital. I'm VERY thankful he wasn't alone, I know he was worried. The rest of the exes fam is taking care of him the next few days and then hopefully he'll be back on his meds and back to work. The doc says the brother most likely will be fine once he gets the meds into his system, and I know he's in good hands and being taken care of right now. But that doesn't make me worry any less...

Bridezilla Alert

My cousin and his wife celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary over the weekend and two of my aunts are in town for the festivities. I love all of my aunts and uncles, and they all provide quite a bit of hilarity whenever I talk to any of them. But my aunts are far more exciting than my uncles because they just have no shame. They were both quite vocal at the party about wanting to be grandmothers sometime soon (well, one said sometime soon. The other one said, 'before Jesus takes me'). And they're always on the lookout for weddings to plan (they are caterers after all). Since my cousin's gay wedding looks to be dead in the water, they are now on a mission to marry off some of us straight folks. Whether we want to get married or not. One aunt is obsessed with all wedding shows but her favorites tend to be on the WE Network. It just so happens there is a new season of "Bridezillas" on that network and god forbid she not see it as soon as possible, even if she's not in her own home. I wish I could say I'd never seen an episode of this show before today, but that would be a lie. I'm surrounded by chicks; growing up and now that I'm an "adult", so I have seen episodes in the past but not for awhile. This show fascinates me though because I cannot for the life of me figure out why these dudes walk down that aisle. Even when I toss aside the fact that I don't want to get married, I still don't understand it. I mean, a chick saying you'll never see your boys again once you're married and she "owns" you is a big ass red flag that says, "Run for yo life homeboy!". Honestly, I'm always amazed when they actually make it through the ceremony. These chicks be crazy. I swear, it seems like some of these dudes feel it's better to be with a lunatic than to be alone. And then, even worse, they procreate! And thinking about those kids (boy or girl) growing up to be anything like their mothers sends a shiver right through me. Of course, most of them have girls so you know what's coming in 20 years time.
Even though I'm opposed to the whole marriage thing, I was at one point on the verge of taking that plunge and have thought about the concept of 'til death' (or a good divorce attorney) does two people part. I am incredibly thankful I never got around to paying for an aisle to walk down. But not because I'm anti-marriage, just because it wasn't the right situation for me. I was most definitely marrying for the wrong reasons; because I was still dealing with previous losses in my life and needed something to hold onto, and because we were friends so why not get hitched? I think because of all that I can kinda gauge what some of these couples are doing on this show. They marry too young, for the wrong reasons, for the "party" and not for the marriage that comes after. But the chicks have no reason to back out, even if they do have reservations, because they've landed a dude who obeys their every word. I know some dudes like to be bossed around like that but just thinking about living with that for a day, forget til you die...I don't know. Not for me. AT ALL. Shockingly, it seems as though the majority of couples they feature on that show are still together at least a few years after the wedding. And 99% of what the bride said would happen during filming (ie. he won't see his friends anymore, they'll be pregnant within months) comes to fruition. That show gives being whipped a whole new meaning.

Como Se Dice Gangbang Of Awesomness?

I was watching a documentary on Selena's death while catching up with a friend. As usual, hilarity ensues. (Note: BJ is our company that we will someday probably but not really put into action)

Me: I hope BJ never has a fan that kills one of us
Friend: And if we do...I hope they kill me first so I never have to live a second without you
Me: *single tear rolls slowly down my face*
Me: I hope they kill you first too lol. Human shield!
Friend: LOL. That's so romantic


As if that weren't enough, it then became a Facebook status and the convo continued.


Me: 'Now tell me you like it whore!'
Friend: LOL. Someone's got to cool he damn jets!
Me: LOL. Cool he jam dets.
Me: Or, if I'm being slightly less dyslexic and looking whilst I type, cool he damn jets.
Friend: LMAO!! ^^^ Look at what you just did!
Me: LOL. Shut up!
Friend: OMG. I. AM. DYYYING.
Friend: Now I've got a tear rolling down MY face!


A few days later I was telling my mom about this entire exchange to which she replied, "Well didn't I just raise a charmer".

Demand R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I've often wondered what it must be like to come from a family where drama is a daily occurrence. My family is rather low maintenance in that area. Life is way too short to have drama for drama's sake. I'm not saying we don't have our issues because we do. For example, we don't all communicate as well or as often as we should, but that's a minor problem in day to day life. I know not everyone is blessed enough to have a family that is as close or loving or drama-free as mine though. In fact, most of my girlfriends have come from less than desirable familial backgrounds. But the majority of them took themselves out of the situation as soon as they could. They realized they were adults and they didn't have to be a part of the drama anymore if they no longer wanted to. They still bore the scars of their childhoods and had to engage with their families occasionally in a way they were all too familiar with, but for the most part they broke away. I understand how difficult that must have been in some ways but I've been told it was also incredibly liberating in others. I would think there has to be a happy medium between constant family drama and severing all contact with your family.
Why do I write about this, you ask? Because for the life of me I cannot understand why someone in particular puts themselves in a bad situation repeatedly. She had a rough childhood, followed by some even crazier revelations in her teens. She went away for college and was able to break free of the drama for awhile. Then she landed a good job and traveled the world and her family had to learn to not be so dependent on her emotionally because she was busy. However, they were now dependent (maybe expectant is a better word here) on her financially. And she enjoyed being able to give them things they'd never had. As someone who grew up without a lot of money myself, I can tell you that is one of the best feelings EVER. Unfortunately, that job abruptly came to an end and she fell into unemployment and having to ask friends for loans just so she could get basic things. Her family once again became completely emotionally dependent on her and constantly reminded her that she was once able to provide for them financially but couldn't anymore. Almost as if it was her fault she'd lost that job (it wasn't at all from what I understand) and they were entitled to being supported. Every fire that flares up, she's expected to put out. Every mess her brother makes, she's expected to clean up. And she always does, but somehow ends up being berated about it or something else in the process. It's the oddest thing to me. I know all families operate differently but in mine, if someone fucks up then it's on them to fix it and the rest of us play supporting roles. When my brother fucks up, I choose to be more present in his life and help him but I don't do it because I'm "supposed" to.
Every time I hear this person talk about the drama with their family, the one thought that runs through my mind is that people can only treat you as good or as bad as you let them. That, and even if you're childhood was totally fucked up you can make the conscious decision to change the way you are with your family. My mom has always had a contentious relationship with her oldest brother. As kids they fought constantly and he was so mean to her, and he became an even bigger bully when they grew up. He knocked some chick up in his early 20's and the only reason his daughter was even a part of his life for those first years were because my mom and grandma agreed to take care of her when he was supposed to have her. He was too busy banging chicks and taking steroids to be a father. Did he thank either of them? Nope. He was still the same bully he'd always been. About 7 years ago he began making an effort to be a part of the family and things were great for awhile. Then my mom came into some money and he expected she would give him a cut. She knew what he was expecting and she never intended to give him anything. When he threw a fit about it and got mean, she told him there was no way she was going to let him talk to her like that and showed him the door. They've spoken scarcely since but that's his choice, not hers. He loves conditionally and if you don't meet his conditions, he shuts you out. But I'm proud of my mom for standing up to him and she's happier as a result.
And that's what confuses me. Every person has the power to demand respect, whether from business associates or strangers or they're own family. If you allow yourself to be talked down to or talked to in a disrespectful manner, it is your own fault. And I get that everyone's tolerance is different. I have no patience so when I get into a heated argument, my fuse tends to be quite short. 'Fuck you' is the type of comment I don't tolerate and is my cue to make my exit. Hanging up on me is another thing I consider to be extremely disrespectful. If I would feel upset or slighted or disrespected by something, then I definitely have no right to do it to someone else, even if I am upset. Even in the heat of an argument, I try to be civil and 99% of the time I succeed. And the way I allow myself to be treated does not vary from person to person. Whether it be my mother or an acquaintance, the expectation is the same and the expectation is respect. If my mom went off on me and attacked me for shit and hung up on me, we would be conversing a lot less, if we were still conversing at all. In that situation, I would realize I'm an adult and I don't have to put with crap like that. But I guess some people either like the drama or just aren't willing to break away from it.