I've often wondered what it must be like to come from a family where drama is a daily occurrence. My family is rather low maintenance in that area. Life is way too short to have drama for drama's sake. I'm not saying we don't have our issues because we do. For example, we don't all communicate as well or as often as we should, but that's a minor problem in day to day life. I know not everyone is blessed enough to have a family that is as close or loving or drama-free as mine though. In fact, most of my girlfriends have come from less than desirable familial backgrounds. But the majority of them took themselves out of the situation as soon as they could. They realized they were adults and they didn't have to be a part of the drama anymore if they no longer wanted to. They still bore the scars of their childhoods and had to engage with their families occasionally in a way they were all too familiar with, but for the most part they broke away. I understand how difficult that must have been in some ways but I've been told it was also incredibly liberating in others. I would think there has to be a happy medium between constant family drama and severing all contact with your family.
Why do I write about this, you ask? Because for the life of me I cannot understand why someone in particular puts themselves in a bad situation repeatedly. She had a rough childhood, followed by some even crazier revelations in her teens. She went away for college and was able to break free of the drama for awhile. Then she landed a good job and traveled the world and her family had to learn to not be so dependent on her emotionally because she was busy. However, they were now dependent (maybe expectant is a better word here) on her financially. And she enjoyed being able to give them things they'd never had. As someone who grew up without a lot of money myself, I can tell you that is one of the best feelings EVER. Unfortunately, that job abruptly came to an end and she fell into unemployment and having to ask friends for loans just so she could get basic things. Her family once again became completely emotionally dependent on her and constantly reminded her that she was once able to provide for them financially but couldn't anymore. Almost as if it was her fault she'd lost that job (it wasn't at all from what I understand) and they were entitled to being supported. Every fire that flares up, she's expected to put out. Every mess her brother makes, she's expected to clean up. And she always does, but somehow ends up being berated about it or something else in the process. It's the oddest thing to me. I know all families operate differently but in mine, if someone fucks up then it's on them to fix it and the rest of us play supporting roles. When my brother fucks up, I choose to be more present in his life and help him but I don't do it because I'm "supposed" to.
Every time I hear this person talk about the drama with their family, the one thought that runs through my mind is that people can only treat you as good or as bad as you let them. That, and even if you're childhood was totally fucked up you can make the conscious decision to change the way you are with your family. My mom has always had a contentious relationship with her oldest brother. As kids they fought constantly and he was so mean to her, and he became an even bigger bully when they grew up. He knocked some chick up in his early 20's and the only reason his daughter was even a part of his life for those first years were because my mom and grandma agreed to take care of her when he was supposed to have her. He was too busy banging chicks and taking steroids to be a father. Did he thank either of them? Nope. He was still the same bully he'd always been. About 7 years ago he began making an effort to be a part of the family and things were great for awhile. Then my mom came into some money and he expected she would give him a cut. She knew what he was expecting and she never intended to give him anything. When he threw a fit about it and got mean, she told him there was no way she was going to let him talk to her like that and showed him the door. They've spoken scarcely since but that's his choice, not hers. He loves conditionally and if you don't meet his conditions, he shuts you out. But I'm proud of my mom for standing up to him and she's happier as a result.
And that's what confuses me. Every person has the power to demand respect, whether from business associates or strangers or they're own family. If you allow yourself to be talked down to or talked to in a disrespectful manner, it is your own fault. And I get that everyone's tolerance is different. I have no patience so when I get into a heated argument, my fuse tends to be quite short. 'Fuck you' is the type of comment I don't tolerate and is my cue to make my exit. Hanging up on me is another thing I consider to be extremely disrespectful. If I would feel upset or slighted or disrespected by something, then I definitely have no right to do it to someone else, even if I am upset. Even in the heat of an argument, I try to be civil and 99% of the time I succeed. And the way I allow myself to be treated does not vary from person to person. Whether it be my mother or an acquaintance, the expectation is the same and the expectation is respect. If my mom went off on me and attacked me for shit and hung up on me, we would be conversing a lot less, if we were still conversing at all. In that situation, I would realize I'm an adult and I don't have to put with crap like that. But I guess some people either like the drama or just aren't willing to break away from it.
