The Wonders Of The Younger

*sigh* I remember when my niece was born almost 14 years ago. So sweet. Do innocent. So not that child anymore. I've adored this girl since I found out she was entering our lives, and nothing will ever change that. But she be workin' my nerves the past two days. First, she complimented some of the old school songs we listened up during my favorite radio show. But it was a backhanded compliment. "Your old music is cool, Nino.". Then, she decided one dig wasn't enough apparently. "You were my age when this came out? Wow that was like forever ago.". It was at that point that I began to question whether this child would live to see 14. But she wasn't done yet. She's always been a horror movie buff but wasn't allowed to see certain films until recently. I learned the hard way that I couldn't bypass this rule when she and I attempted to watch scary movies one night a few years ago. Her mom knew my plan before it was even put into action (damn twin thing). So we've taken the last day to watch some scary flicks from my teenage years (cuz, really, what better way is there to honor a man who is about to rise from the dead?). Big mistake. After seeing "Scream", and both "I Know What You Did Last Summer" movies, she turns to me and says to me, she says, "Nino, are there any other old movies like that that are good?". Old movies?!? These movies are from the 90's. So...yeah, I guess by those standards they are older. But not OLD. For the next thirty minutes my friends and I all cursed out aging and the awful effect it is having on us. My mom decided to put in her two cents and remind us that she was about our age when we used to tease her about being "old". But your kids are supposed to be better than you. Unfortunately, in this family, your kids are only better smart asses than you were. *sigh*
While I am thrilled to be able to age, especially this time of year, I am not thrilled about being reminded of how old I really am. 32 isn't awful and I don't mind it since I feel like I'm a much better person now than I was in my 20's. It's being reminded of my youth and how far in he rear view mirror it is that gets me. And there's been no shortage of that lately. A week ago, I was watching an episode of "CSI" with the fam. The story was about one of the medical examiners going to his high school reunion. As he bantered with his wife about how he didn't really want to go, she told him they were not going to let $100 tickets go to waste (btw, $100 for a high school reunion?!? I wouldn't see those people again for free.). Then she mentioned his graduation year. Class of '98. I was class of '99. And I thought, "Fuck I'm old". I texted a friend, half-pissed off and half-reminiscent, saying that next year will be my FIFTEEN year high school reunion. She said, "Good god" and then proceeded to confirm that I was old (this is why I don't have more than like two friends who are younger than me. I don't need that kinda abuse). But it wasn't realizing how old I am that got on my nerves. I learned that, contrary to what I tell myself, the 90's were not in fact just a decade ago. And dammit that sucks. Further hammering home how old I am was a weekend long marathon of MTV's "The Real World". The season I re-watched originally aired in 2003. Watching 7 twenty something's picked to live in a house and have their lives taped when you're also 23? Great. Watching 7 twenty something's picked to live in a house and have their lives taped when you're 32? Not good. Not good at all. It's a trip to think that the very niece who stabbed me in the back and then twisted the knife repeatedly was born in 1999. Sometimes it still doesn't sink in that people could be born in the 90's. As if the production line was halted in 1989 or something. It's a good thing I bounce back quickly. The fact that I don't dwell on the negative has saved that child's life. For now anyway.

Catholicism: Noun. 1. Most Amount Of Guilt, Least Amount Of Accountability

The Catholics have a new Pope. Like the last Pope, he's an older fella. Unlike the last Pope, he hails from Latin America. Score for the Latino folk! At least, it seemed that way at first glance. Now that the honeymoon period is ending, people are going over Pope Francis with a fine-toothed comb and pointing out that, although he hails from Argentina, he is not actually Latino. That is correct, although he was born in Argentina, his heritage is Italian on both sides. And that has spurred a debate about what makes someone Latino. I would venture to guess that Padre Jorge has never thought twice about whether or not he's "really" a part of Latino culture. He grew up amongst it, he chose to return to his homeland and serve those people. His living and working in Buenos Aires is no different from me living and working in the United States. My heritage is Mexican, my nationality is American. The Pope's heritage is Italian and his nationality is Argentinian, therefore referring to him as the first Pope from a Latin American country, or the first Argentinian Pope is correct. But it's interesting how selective people can be. Had an American with Irish ancestry been elected Pope, he would've been referred to as an American and no one would have made a big deal about the Irish part. So why are we now backtracking on Pope Francis and trying to take his election away from Argentina? Latinos are proud people and if someone who has immersed himself in the culture makes it out the hood, especially when he upgrades to the Vatican, there will be massive celebration and congratulations over it. As there should be. Just because he is not Latino by blood does not mean we can't be a little extra excited about the whole thing. Having worked within that environment for so long, I'm sure he understands it and understands what is important to this particular section of the Church more than any of his predecessors. And Latinos are a huge part of the Catholic church so it can't hurt to have him in power. I don't like when people turn stuff into something about race. Who we become is not just about the DNA running through our veins, it is also about the environment we are brought up in. It is about who we gravitate towards as we get older and are able to choose our friends. My best friend has no Latin blood, she's half-white and half-Indian, but she was raised in a predominantly Latino neighborhood and schools. She's fluent in Spanish and passionate about causes that affect Latinos because that is family to her. If the two of us grew up in Mexico and she ascended to power (*shudder*), I would be extremely proud and supportive, just as the Argentinians are about Francis. I wouldn't care that she had no Latin blood in her. He doesn't have to share that bloodline in order to appeal to and attempt to elevate that section of the population.
I took a survey sometime ago (I don't remember for what) where I was asked a question about whether I identified more with Latino culture or American culture. I selected the option that said I identified equally with both, but I thought it was a silly question to begin with. It seemed to insinuate that if I swung too much to the Latino side, I was less American. If I swung too much to the American side, then I was less Latino and thoroughly "Americanized". My family has been here for four generations, I AM fully Americanized. But that doesn't mean I know nothing of where we came from. I understand that some families ditch traditions from the motherland because they want to fit in better, and I get that a lot of people prefer it that way and think we should all "speak English" and forget where we came from. And that doesn't make sense to me. Does anyone tell Italians, the Irish or any other racial group not to brag about their roots or traditions? No. And someone from any other background would not have been asked how American they feel. Native Americans are the only...well, Native Americans. The rest of us came here later and are all immigrants. And most have faced prejudice of some kind since their arrival. Who was in steerage on the Titanic in 1912? Italians and Irish folk (and one black dude!). Who were considered second class citizens for eons? African-Americans. And now, it's the Latino folk who are fighting to be treated as equals. And it's almost as if we've taken steps back, instead of forward. When I was a kid, there was no blanket assumption that we all spoke Spanish and had all scaled the fence and arrived here illegally. People were different colors and that was fine. But now it's like a witch hunt in some places. People want to weed out the illegals and send them all back, regardless of whether they have children who were born here or if they are contributing to society in a good way. Everybody (except Native Americans) is an immigrant, some have just been here longer than others. I really can't wait until everyone is mixed and everyone is colorblind.
I don't get all the hate in the world yo. Let immigrants have a chance to become citizens. Let the gays marry. Let New Yorkers regulate their own soda intake. Let monkeys run congress (they could certainly do a better job). And let Latinos, and Argentina specifically, celebrate their new Pope and embrace him as one of their own. What does any of that change? (Well, except for the monkey thing.) It seems as if everybody has to try and regulate everything and tell people how to live their lives. This country is supposed to be about freedom but more and more of our liberties are being taken everyday. That's bad enough but it's even worse that people hide behind religion and claim it is the reason that two dudes can't marry, amongst other things. Who cares? How does the gay couple down the block getting married, or the woman in the cubicle next to you buying a big ass soda affect your life? Answer: It doesn't. Does it affect most Catholics that Pope Francis is an Italian who hails from Argentina? Yes and no. Listen, if he can turn around a religion that has strayed wildly off course, and if his heritage and/or nationality bring some folks back into the fold, great. Catholicism is a broken religion right now and it is the Church's own fault. But sometimes you need a kick in the ass to start repairing things and get back on the right course. That's part of the reason why they chose this man to lead. I never really trusted the last Pope, he kinda creeped me out and reminded me of my Catholic school priest who was very quiet and socially awkward. The newbie seems to be very personable and already committed to changing the way things are run, at least in the Vatican. He seems very humble. But what comes next will depend on if he really follows through and casts out those who have been shuffled around for years due to shady stuff. If he does, then there's a chance Catholicism will eventually no longer be associated with covering up abuse. If he doesn't, then the message is that the way things are now is good enough, which couldn't be further from the truth. But even if the former happens, he's already an older dude and whoever comes next will have to continue his practices. I understand the mood amongst the Catholic folk now. There's excitement that there is new, promising blood in the Vatican but nervousness about what comes next. Everyone's still in the honeymoon period right now but once it passes, it'll be time for the work to begin. I may no longer be an official Catholic, but it's a bit like the mob in that I will forever have Catholic shame and views on certain things (they probably spike the Holy Water). I look forward to seeing if Pope Francis can resurrect the faith...or if the status quo will continue to be the norm.

TROJAN MAAAAAANN...Oh Wait, It's Just...Bill Gates?!

While we're on a dirty trip, let's talk about Bill Gates trying to pay someone to come up with a "better condom". First of all, I am thoroughly upset NASA has not produced on yet. And while we're at it, what the hell ever happened to hoverboards? NASA should be concerned with making my life easier, not sending people into space to meet martians. But I digress. After I read the article about Gates' quest, I scrolled down to see the comments. And it was worth the scroll. People have hilarious ideas about this. But the scary thing is that some of them were dead serious about their ideas. One dude said that there should be hidden messages on condoms that are only revealed when they come (pun intended) in contact with fluids. Because who doesn't want to be thinking, "I can't wait to read the hidden message!" during sex, right? Another fool proposed that condoms should change colors depending on the type of sexual activity taking place. He offered up the idea to whoever wanted it. Shockingly no one did. I'm not sure why Bill Gates, one of the least sexual people in the world, is the one proposing this to begin with. Did he get tired of building computers? His name in the same sentence as "condom" was something I could have gone my entire life without hearing. Shouldn't someone like Trojan be pursuing this? I mean, they do this for a living and all. Seems like a natural progression. While discussing this with a friend, I couldn't help but throw in my two cents, which weren't much. But did produce the following exchange.

Me: I don't see what the big deal is. Just wear the damn thing so you don't catch anything or knock anybody up
G: LMAO Says the dude with a kid
Me: LOL Well...yeah
Me: But not bc they're uncomfortable. I didn't wear them bc I'm reckless and self-destructive
G: lol Here! Here!

Who Are You?

Last night at around 10 I was asked to come up with a music track for a friend's project. I was up until around 3 trying to find the music, edit the music and then send it out. Another friend was unfortunate (or lucky, depending on how you look at it) enough to text during my editing-fest to update me on her situation with her boy toy. The conversation quickly spiraled.

Me: And after so many weeks, ya'll should both be chomping at the bit, nahmean?
Friend: LOL Nahmean...love it...but yeah, I was thinking the same thing
Me: lol I felt like I should go thug
Friend: For a second I read 'I feel like I should give you a hug' and I got all happy
Me: THUG
Friend: I know you don't wanna hug me. You don't have to yell.
Me: Oh simmer down. I never said that
Friend: Lol Simmer down...yes meemaw
Me: LOL I'm exhausted, I don't know who I am
Friend: LOL You're definitely not the man I married
Me: LOL No kidding. I've gone from 2Pac to Ma Kettle in the span of five minutes
Friend: LOL 

It's The First Time Together And I'm Feeling Kinda...

We've been perusing the oldies playlist for the last few weeks, but I'm back to my usual 90's self now. I love all music really (as evidenced by the elcecticness of my song choices on this blog), but the 90's have my heart ya'll. Most of my closest friends are huge fans of all 90's music and you better believe those who don't favor the decade have a black mark on their permanent record. Yes, it is that important for me. The 90's were just GOOD. While the 60's and 70's saw the rise of the singer-songwriter, and the 80's were a hot mess, the 90's were probably the most eclectic decade to date. There was something for everyone; Rap, R&B, Alternative, Pop. And a lot of it, even the Pop stuff, was good. Not all of it was amazing lyrics and soul shaking lyrics of course, but sometimes you just wanna hear a damn catchy song. And there were plenty of those to go around. I lived off BET and MTV, beginning in middle school and going on through college. I came to like some of the alternative stuff in college, prior to that I was all R&B and Hip Hop. My mom HATES Rap with a fiery passion I have rarely seen. As a result, we were not allowed to listen to it at home. "At home" being the key words. (The irony about this is that my grandma used to tell my mom in her teenage years that she was wasting money on records). It didn't matter anyway since we just borrowed CD's from our friends, copied them and listened anyway. We also had this magical thing called "radio" and in my high school years, a local station re-branded itself into my perfect radio station. I could leave the radio dial on that station for days and never hear a bad song. Every weekday at noon, that station played a "back in the day" show which consisted of an hour's worth of old school songs. One thing I love about my phone is that there are endless music apps available and I have about eight downloaded at the moment. In typical me fashion, I am obsessed with one for awhile and then cast it aside for the next one (good to see this mentality applies to many different areas of my life). The current obsession is an app called "TuneIn Radio" and it allows you to listen to radio stations from around the world. You can see what songs are on various stations before you click on them and there are literally hundreds of stations to choose from. You can rewind, fast forward and record what you listen to. I hadn't listened to the radio in eons before this app, I hate commercials, but I miss the old days of radio when you had no idea what song was coming on next and you cranked it up when it was a good one. Some would say the shuffle on the iPod is the same thing but it's not. It's different in some way. Whilst perusing the selection a few weeks ago, I saw the name of a DJ from my favorite station and was surprised to find him still playing jams. Turnover is so insane these days, but this guy has been there at least fifteen years now. I was even more thrilled to accidentally stumble onto that same hour long awesome-fest that is back in the day jams. Although I have to admit that listening to it now I kinda feel like Old Rose in "Titanic" when she looks into the mirror she lost decades ago. My reflection has changed a bit too. But I don't care as much when I'm listening to great music.
Today while listening to my show, I heard Outkast, Keith Sweat, Mase, LL Cool J and Mya, all in a half hour span. It was fantastic. And that show is what brings us this week's stroll down memory lane and dirty, dirty song o' the week. I think it's hysterical how, back then, we 90's kids jammed to a bunch of songs but had no idea what they meant until we grew up. There should be a TV show that puts the camera on people as they really listen to the words of a song they loved as a kid and realize that it's about sex. I remember hearing the very censored version of "Doin' It" when I was in high school and thinking it was a dirty song. Then I heard the uncensored version and I'm pretty sure I blushed, even though I'd already been doin' it myself for a few years. Of course my mom had no idea I was listening to this back then. I went to a birthday party for a friend, 15 boys and girls in a basement watching movies and generally goofing off, and there was a freak power outage. I swear that house was haunted because as the power went on and off, the stereo came on blaring and what song was on the radio? Most everyone at the party thought it it was too dirty of a song so I played along and said I didn't like it either. The problem with that was that I knew every word and couldn't help but sing along under my breath. Busted. That was embarrassing but was not nearly as bad as when I heard this song, in all of its uncensored glory, played from beginning to end in a Cold Stone shop while I was back home. And I was standing in line with my mother. I don't know that I have ever been that uncomfortable yo. But at least I had the common sense not to sing along this time. Then last year Crazy Aunt took a shine to all things 90's (told you she's my favorite) and she loves this song in particular. Nowadays, whenever we hear it she goes off on a tangent about how she regrets having never been with LL Cool J in her younger days. She says this as if he was some classmate she never got the courage to ask out. It's hilarious. And it's just one more reason why I love this song. Good, if mortifying, memories all around. Enjoy, perverts.

(Censored version I first became familiar with)

(In all it's dirty glory)

I Needed Somewhere To Hang My Head Without Your Noose

Marriage. For all of my negative views on, I can admit there are upsides. If you're lucky, you marry your best friend and grow at the same rate and everything works out. But if you rush into it...well, then you kinda get what's coming to you methinks. Example: A friend of mine has never been fully on board with one of her best friend's having rushed into marriage. Each of them had a kid, yet they got hitched six weeks after meeting. There's little wrong with such a whirlwind romance when it only involves two people. If it doesn't work out, you've each only screwed up your own life. But with kids I feel like you should take as much time as possible to acclimate everybody to what's on the horizon. My ex-girlfriend is the product of a blended family and her father took a good three years to make sure the woman he wanted to marry (her mom) would fit in with his four older children and treat them as her own. Nearly twenty years after they split, she still spends time with her step-children and their children. He remarried again recently and they don't speak much but, for the most part, they are still one big, happy, blended family. And that's my model for the future (minus the divorces, obviously). I never want there to be a divide between my daughter and any future siblings she might have. I feel like the possibility of that divide skyrockets the sooner you get hitched and the whirlwind thing is usually...well, a whirlwind. Everyone has to adjust on the fly and kids aren't great with that. Adults don't always do well with change either. The six weekers are now pregnant and starting a business together but fight constantly about petty things. Not just innocent, newlywed arguments but big blowouts over whatever Mr. Six Week deems to be the topic of the day. I'm not sure if that's just the way he is; a jealous jackass who wants to control everything, or if he's having second thoughts about having rushed in and this is his way of trying to push her out. Either way, it's not a good thing and will become an even worse thing if it's not fixed by the time the baby arrives.
I think DMC was headed into a similar situation as the six weekers are in, although without the whirlwind. He and his now ex-fiance have known each other about eight years. She was exiting a bad marriage when they met and that's part of the reason they waited so long to get together. But once they did start dating, his thoughts almost immediately turned towards marriage and kids. I've always believed that he wants those things so badly because he did not have them growing up. He's always been borderline obsessed with doing things "right". Sometimes he reminds me of Christian Bale in "American Psycho", only without the murder and threesomes (at least to my knowledge there has been no murder, I KNOW there have been no threesomes). He's very put together but when you really delve deep into brain, you see that he's just as hot a mess as the rest of us. (I used to think we butted heads so much because his "right" mentality was the opposite of everything in my lifestyle, but now I know it's just because he's a judgmental prick.) His intended always told him that she really didn't want to get married again but he always pushed for it. Half a dozen times he told us they were going to get hitched...she just didn't know it yet. Half a dozen times we told him to slow his roll. He never did. He proposed at Christmas and she assumed that meant she had a few years to acclimate to the idea of getting married again. Instead, he took that to mean she was ready and fast tracked them towards a wedding date. Reluctantly, she went through with it and they did the official marriage thing early in the month. Last weekend was supposed to be the real wedding and reception. "Supposed" being the key word.
The wedding date was pushed back a day due to a bad snowstorm delaying the bride's family. Then, DMC and I had our falling out, which she overheard. I guess she was under the impression that our battle was a two-way kinda thing and that I gave as good as I got when it came to the hurtful digs. Hearing him lay into me that way and say those things so easily made her really think twice about what the future might hold. She began to think about what would happen if they had a son or a daughter who inherited my rebellious spirit. Would he talk to them the same way? Point out flaws and prey on insecurities in order to make his point? She couldn't be sure. And once she got that thought into her head, every other question she had about the relationship came to the surface. She called it off the day before and he was literally the last person to know. Rather than handle it like a gentleman, he proceeded to unleash a verbal tirade on her that you probably could've heard all the way down the block. It wasn't said out of hurt or anything either. He was being mean just to be mean. And with that, they were over. Being the jackass that he is, he proceeded to take her over the coals on every form of social media available to him. No one is speaking to him right now because he was so awful to her. And, perhaps tellingly, the lack of a wedding has caused zero ripple effect amongst the clan. We all knew it was probably coming at some point. It's just fortunate that she got out before there were any kids involved. But it's unfortunate it had to end in such ugly fashion.

And Throw Away The Life I Lead

Sweet Jesus, I would like to know why the past week and a half has been bad. Not all of it has been terrible. Yesterday my daughter arrived and she and I took my mom to lunch for her birthday. It was a great day and a welcome distraction after a day of emotional turmoil, preceded by a day of emotional turmoil, preceded by a weekend of financial turmoil. I mean, really? It's like someone has a little voodoo doll of me stashed away somewhere and they just got in a new shipment of pins to stab me with. Last week I wrote of the debacle with my bank account that left me with $3 to travel on. Then, came the wedding that wasn't (more on that next post) and the falling out with my cousin that led me to cut him out of my life. The next pin (or horseman, depending on how you look at it) was a truly awful day where I accidentally destroyed all of my writing from the past three years, got a freak bloody nose that leaked all over a new shirt, got water all over myself and the bathroom floor while washing that same shirt and then woke up the next day with another bloody nose that caused me to pass out. Yesterday brought a reprieve. I woke up to find that my cash, which had been unavailable to me while I await (and await, and await still) a new card, was transferred to another account much sooner than I'd expected. That allowed me to be able to treat my mom to a belated birthday meal. But the reprieve was short lived, today was not great. It wasn't nearly as terrible as a few days ago, and for that I am VERY thankful, but it still pissed me off. And it all goes back to what began my string of bad luck - the financial issue.
To recap, a company I'd never heard of put a hold on my card in an insanely high amount, which also happened to be just about all of the money I have to my long ass name. I called the bank, called the company, cancelled my card and waited for the transaction to complete. The bank's hands were tied until the charge went through, my hands were tied until they issued me a provisional credit while they investigated things. I called the company but was only able to get their messaging service. I left my info but no one ever called me back. Four or five days later, the authorization fell off and I turned my attention to making sure these people cancelled whatever they were trying to charge me for. I received an email confirming cancellation and also discussed it with a rep. Since the card used was cancelled, I assumed that would be the end of the matter and was glad it had been resolved. But no. Things can't ever be that simple, can they? Earlier today I set up a transfer to another account and was confused this evening when I received a message saying it had been cancelled due to insufficient funds. I logged into my account and discovered that the same company from last week had taken me for almost all I was worth again. This time the transaction was completed so I called immediately to dispute it (I was so livid, I was using three phones to wait in the queue and curiously the one that should have been answered last was picked up first). Fortunately, I got a real person instead of a recording like last time and, after being passed around more than I was in my manwhore days, I was able to get a full explanation of how this shady company was able to charge a cancelled card. Turns out that once they got the authorization, that money was essentially theirs whenever they decided to claim it. It didn't matter that the card was no longer active, they were authorized to take that money. So they took it. Again.
I hate disputes of any kind, but monetary disputes are the worst. Fortunately, the bank is handling this well so far. They've already credited the money back to my account and as soon as I get my new card, I'm getting it the heck out of there. The service rep I spoke to said that what typically happens in these cases is the company will fold when confronted with allegations of fraud and that will be the end of the matter. I hope that's what happens and that this thing finally dies. These people are like the villain in a horror movie, there's ALWAYS another act to play out. Even if they try to dispute it, they're idiots since I have proof they received my request to cancel the account. I even emailed one of their reps tonight and he confirmed it was cancelled last week. They had no right or authorization to charge me again. Per MasterCard's rules on unauthorized charges, I have to call the company tomorrow and give them the chance to issue a refund before I can officially file a dispute. I'm going to call in the morning and, with any luck (which is a crapshoot of late), I'll actually talk to someone who works for the company and not just the after hours secretary. I just want all of this sorted out for good. And a little good luck making an appearance would be VERY welcomed.

Marriage, Manwhores & Meddling

Me: That used to drive me crazy about my old phone, it didn't have any % button
Friend: lol Don't you know how to do percentages without it?
Me: I do not. I'm terrible at math
Friend: Well...me too but even I know that
Me: lol Thanks for bringing me down from my high
Me: Bully
Friend: LOL
Friend: ZERO TOLERANCE!
Friend: Whatchu think, this was a bullying-free zone? We're married
Me: This is marriage, it is by definition NOT a bully free zone
Me: LOL
Friend: LOL. Great minds I tell ya
Me: Amen
=============
Friend: Yours looks way better than the stupid one on the box
Me: I didn't like some of the colors they used on that on
Me: And you know how I am with being historically accurate, so that was a no go
Me: lol I may be a manwhore but I strive for historical accuracy!
Friend: LOL. *Adjusts monocle*
Me: LOL

This Is It For You And I

My ex-girlfriend has a tumultuous relationship with her father and step-father. They each bailed at some point and now only occasionally make appearances in her life. Rarely do those appearances go fine and dandy. They're both jackasses who don't care how their "only when I feel like it" parenthood tactics affect their daughter. One text or conversation can make her feel awful and bring up all of those past feelings about them. On more than one occasion I asked her why she even responds to the occasional contact, why she lets them breeze in and out of her life when it mostly brings her pain. Sometimes she explained it to me, other times she didn't want to talk about it. What I didn't realize until tonight is that I should learn to take my own advice (god knows I never take anyone else's). My entire life I've had an unhealthy relationship with my soon-to-be married cousin, who we'll call DMC. He's almost exactly a month older than me and we have butted heads from the day we could walk. But after almost 32 years of disagreements and hurt feelings, I'm considering doing something I never thought I would - cutting him out of my life. I wouldn't be the first person in my bloodline to call it quits with a bully, my mom hasn't spoken to her older brother in over a decade. Maybe I need to take a cue from her.
My uncle PS (or Prodigal Son) is equal parts son of a bitch and charmer. He's been married five teams, cheated on all of those wives and maintains spotty contact with his three grown daughters. My mom raised his oldest child for the first five years of the kid's life, until she and her mother moved away. He didn't even try to find her until his third wife tracked her down for him. She was grown and engaged by then but welcomed him into her life. Eventually she discovered what the rest of us have always known - PS is a bastard when he wants to be. Don't agree with his politics? You're cut off. Don't want to share part of your financial windfall? Cut off. It was the latter that caused the falling out between he and my mother. After we went to college, she moved halfway across the state to care for her grandparents. A few years later she lost her job and grandma had passed away. With grandpa on his way to a retirement home, she was going to be left alone in a city 5 hours away from all other family members. None of us was comfortable with that but, curiously, it was PS who took the most interest in getting her to move back down the mountain. He was on his fifth marriage by then and he and his wife convinced mom to fix up her house, sell it and move not to her hometown, but about an hour outside of it. Supposedly, he wanted back in the family fold and thought it was a good idea for her to live halfway between everyone else and him. The house sold in a week and the owners wanted to take possession within two weeks so everything about the move was haphazard and unplanned. He was supposed to drive the living van, with mom and his wife following in their cars. My mother HATES driving through the mountains and she hates driving in snow. Because PS didn't show up with the truck until three in the afternoon, we didn't finish loading until almost six (the siblings and I all made the journey to help). Rather than get a couple of hotel rooms and wait til the next morning to leave, PS commanded that we shouldn't waste "our" money and should leave that night. It wouldn't be so bad, he claimed. We all should have known better since it was October, but we started the trek anyway. Over the next six hours we endured every type of weather and road conditions known to man; rain, hail, snow, blowing snow, sleet, solid ice. It was a nightmare. We got to his ranch, which was in the middle of nowhere (literally), and because he only had one spare bedroom, all of us but mom slept in the unfinished basement on one large air mattress and one cot. Oh and we all wore our coats because there weren't enough blankets and there was no heat. To make matters worse, mom had no home to move into. She'd had to get out so quickly that she couldn't make the trip down to look at houses and PS was too lazy to do it for her. My sister went and checked out some places but couldn't find anything. For the next two weeks we lived out of a hotel while we tried to find her a house. She ended up settling (and I do mean settling) on one that she wasn't crazy about, but she was so tired of living out of a suitcase. PS was pretty MIA for most of those two weeks. After she signed the papers for the house he resurfaced to inquire about the price and how much she had left in the bank. He flat out asked if he could have what was in the bank, which was close to $20,000. She said no and he insinuated that he'd done so much at the house and for the move that she owed him at least something. She still refused, she was out of a job and had just moved to a new city and needed money to live off of until things were up and running. He silently fumed, or so we thought. Her stuff was being stored in his garage and when we went to retrieve it, with help from other family members because he was done the minute she refused to spot him all of her savings, there were very deep and deliberate gashes in her bedroom and living room furniture. Almost as if he'd taken a screwdriver to everything and dragged it across the surface, deep enough to be sure it would be costly to repair it. We got her stuff, moved her in and she has spoken to him only once since then, and that was last year at their grandfather's funeral. He does not call her, she does not call him, and everyone is actually happier for it. Everything he did was just a ploy to get cash out of his sister. He's such a selfish bastard.
My mom has been noticeably happier since cutting PS out of her life. She doesn't have to worry about the next hissy fit he throws, or his next out of the blue marriage. And now I think I know how she felt back then when she made the decision to cut him loose. PS represents both sides of the family quite well in that we can all be fairly charming, but are not nice folk to deal with when we're crossed. We're not all as extreme as him, of course, and the rest of us love without conditions. Except for DMC. He has always been on me about something and I'm never sure why. He tormented me as a kid, to the point where one day I got fed up and pushed him out of the treehouse in our backyard. He fell about six feet and hit the dirt below. He didn't break or bruise anything, but I still got grounded. And I felt so fucking liberated once I stood up to him. But it was to be the last time. In the fifteen years since that incident I have learned to let shit roll off of my back and told myself that he is how he is and there's nothing I can do about it. But what is it I always say, kids? That people can only treat you as badly, or as awesomely, as you let them. And I've let him treat me entirely too cruel. The thing that drives me fucking crazy about DMC is that he's so damn judgmental. My friends and I joke about me being a manwhore, but I've not done the volume that a lot of other dudes I know have. Yet DMC thinks I've fucked half the women on the planet and that I should be ashamed for having done so. That was his go to gripe in our 20's. If it wasn't how I ran my personal life, then it was how slowly he thought my recovery from the accident was going. I'm sure he thinks I have no idea that he referred to me at least once (and I'm sure several times) as being "too retarded to get over" my "accident shit". Because PTSD and depression are such easily hurdles to overcome and a brain injury makes you a retard. I remember going on a bender for the ages after overhearing that comment. Afterward I pretended I hadn't heard it, and I really wish I hadn't. In our 30's, he has moved on to making quips about how my personal life remains "a mess" because I can't "share a sandwich, forget about sharing your life with someone for longer than it takes to eat lunch". He would often remark about how I was just going to fuck up my relationship with someone I was in love with and told her not to "get too comfortable". But that pales in comparison to what happened tonight. His wedding is Sunday (moved from tomorrow due to a delay in the bride's family getting here) and he has yet to write his vows. Shocker! He can't write for shit and I don't believe he actually feels any human emotion other than superiority, so I wasn't surprised when he asked me to help him write them. The problem with that is he wanted me to write them FOR him. I have no problem creating things for the people I love, I create for a living, but it's wrong to ask someone else to write your vows for you. If you can't articulate how you feel about the woman you love, I can't help ya. I'm not even getting hitched and I could tell you ten things I love about my girlfriend off the top of my head. He can't think of one the night before he's wifing this chick! I refused to do his homework for him and he got pissy. He threw a fucking fit and finished it with, "It's not like you'll ever need to write vows of your own anyway, you can't keep a fucking thing together". Fuck that. I'm sick of being his whipping boy. He's just unbelievably cruel and he goes for the jugular every time, no matter how minor the dig at him is. He knows my insecurities and vulnerabilities and he exploits them whenever he feels like it. Unfortunately, I'm a sensitive dude so shit like that hurts and it eats at me for the longest time. I already have self-destructive and self-loathing tendencies, I never feel like I'm good enough, and one comment just fucking DESTROYS me. And I let it happen. I let it get to this point. So who's the fucking idiot in this scenario? I don't even understand how you say something like that to someone who is basically a little brother to you. I have a little brother, and a cousin who I consider a little brother, and I could not imagine saying anything so awful that it would hit them in their core. That it would bring up every terrible thing they think about themselves and make them wanna cut themselves just because they can't stand the skin they're in. They can't stand feeling like they may actually be as retarder and inept as you tell them they are. I don't get that. As of now, I am left with this: I will always love him because he is family and I love unconditionally. But these next few days will be the last we spend together if he doesn't legitimately apologize for EVERYTHING he's said. I doubt he will. So this is it. I'm done.

I Ain't Ready For The Altar, But I Do Agree There's Times When A Woman Sure Can Be A Friend Of Mine

I know what you're thinking, it is shocking that I would be a fan of a song that speaks of not marrying the person you love. But hey, at least I'm consistent. I first heard this song on the radio, maybe, six years ago and instantly loved the guitar on it. Eventually I also fell for the lyrics and it's one of those songs that, once it comes up on the shuffle, I have it on repeat for days. Obviously I can relate to it pretty darn well. I've always thought the meaning of this song was pretty straightforward; dude leaves his lady at the altar after realizing that he isn't ready to marry her and then proceeds to ask her to be patient with him while he sorts out his crap. Très romantique, oui? However, during a convo with G I realized that not everyone interprets it the same way, which is the great thing about music. His interpretation was...well, weird and involved a nun and all this religious imagery. Come to think of it, we may have just both been on an acid trip during the conversation...Anyway...So it's not your typical love song. But it's a good one nonetheless.

Tell Me Have You Seen Her? Oohhhhhhhh

Me: I had a dream about you
Me: You texted me to go have dinner. But then I didn't hear from you and I called to see what was up
Me: And you sent a text that said, "Busy, will text later maybe", which I thought was odd.
Me: Then I turned on the TV and there you was in a slow speed chase
Me: Then I understood why you added the 'maybe' to your text lol
Friend: lol Damn. A slow speed chase totally sounds like me though
Me: Then for some reason when I woke up I heard the Chi-Lites "Have You Seen Her" in my head
Me: Apparently the chase didnt end well for you
Friend: LOL Tell me have you seen her?
Me: lol Yep
Me: I'm surprised I didn't see your mom on a street corner holding a Virgin Mary candle as you paddled by
Friend: LOL Fuck you as I paddled by...
-----------------
Me: lol This is oddly timely given this morning's conversation: "You: I can see you with your head sticking out of a cab asking some homeless guy if he's seen your teenager"
Me: Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her? Seen herrrr. Ohhhhhhh
Friend: LOL Well done
Me: lol It was too good
===========================
TV: "Also! New pictures from the birth of Jesus! Only on Entertainment Tonight."
G: Well, it's about time. Only been thousands of years.
===========================
Me: I heard there was uproar over that because Satan looks like the President
Cousin: Why is Satan even in a series about the Bible? He's not in that, is he?

(Entire family stares and wonders where we went wrong)

==========================

What I wrote in my cousin's wedding book: If we're lucky we marry our best friend. If we're unlucky, we marry G. Congrats on doing better than your new husband's sister!
G: "Hey! You'd be lucky to have landed me. And, by the way, I AM one of your best friends."
Me: "I still wouldn't want to be married to you. Even if I was gay."
G: "Oh my god we would be such a power couple if we were gay!"
(Awkward silence)
Me: Well this just got weird
G: I am also uncomfortable 

I'd Rather Laugh With The Sinners Than Cry With The Saints, The Sinners Are Much More Fun

Today my wonderful mother turns...well, I'm not allowed to say what age, but it's her birthday nonetheless. I credit my mom for so many things; raising three relatively decent children, always encouraging us to follow our passions, teaching us that humor will get you through just about anything, and teaching us that it is possible to still love a person even if you don't like or approve of what they're doing to themselves. I put this lady through a lot and I'm very grateful that she is who she is. We had some rough times growing up but I don't remember many of the bad times because there was always humor to get us through. There was also always music. My father was a musician who could play several instruments and cover just about any song handily, and my mom has been a huge music fan since she was a child. Grandma used to get on her about spending so much time and money on records (RECORDS!) but mom didn't care. She's a huge Beatles fan (even "met" them as a child, long story) and I remember knowing who they were before I could even walk. Like my sister and I, she loves all kinds of genres and exposed us to many of them. (Unlike my sister and I, she HATES rap but you can't win 'em all I guess.) It's because of her that I have such a wide variety of musical tastes. This is one of her favorite songs and she says it reminds her of me. Now, it also reminds me of her. If you don't like at least one Billy Joel song, your life is sorely lacking.

And It Isn't Hard To Believe, I Think You Cheated On Me

Cheating has been a hot topic amongst my peeps the last 24 hours. One friend was cheated on, another did the cheating, and a third is fending off allegations of cheating made by his wife. Having been cheated on in the past, I used to be of the mind that the whole 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing is the only way it is. It's black or it's white and that's it. However, over time I've started to realize that it is not so black and white and that not everyone who makes one mistake will go on to make the same one in every future relationship. There was a time when I would not, under ANY circumstances, be involved with someone who cheated on an ex. But it's no longer a big deal. And I credit someone I knew for about 30 seconds with helping to change my opinion. She had a son who was a few years younger than my daughter and was in the midst of a divorce from a man who had already moved on to someone else. They were together for eons, married for four years and he suddenly decided he no longer wanted to be married. Eventually, he divulged that he had an affair and it killed her. During their marriage, he often brought up an incident from her college years in which she'd stepped out on a boyfriend. She never did it again and felt awful about having done it once, but her husband continuously brought it up as if it had anything to do with him. His view was that she would just end up doing it to him too, despite her remaining committed and faithful to him the entire relationship. Then he ended up finding someone else and cheating on her. The irony. I remember being surprised when she told me about the college thing because she totally didn't seem the type, but I genuinely believed her when she said it wouldn't happen again. I wouldn't have had a problem dating her because of one past transgression, lord knows I bring a truckload of them to the table. I surprised myself in that moment and I realized I'm not as paranoid about being cheated on again as one would think. I know how to handle it now and if it happens, it happens. I think there are different types of cheaters; those who will do it again and those who will not. Some people learn their lesson the first time and know how it feels and how badly their actions hurt someone and they never even think about doing it again. Some do it continuously, not caring who they hurt. Others do it more than once but do actually give a damn how they harm others. In the end, it comes down to whether or not you think the person you're with is capable of stepping out on you.
Friend number one was dating some fool for a few months and discovered his unfaithfulness when she answered his phone call and was greeted by a bunch of pretty graphic stuff about the night before. Problem was she hadn't been with him for a week. Yeah. It got ugly and he got dumped. She wasn't that torn up about it since she didn't love the guy or anything, but it still sucks that it happened. Friend number two is in a relationship that has grown to be very undefined the past week or so. She ended up alone, at night with a very good friend who is in a very bad marriage. And you can probably guess what transpired from there. Before she told me about this, she stewed about it for three days and then said she expected a lecture from me and that whatever I had to say, good or bad, was fine because she probably deserved it. But honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. A quarter of the way into the story I knew where it was headed, especially when she'd told me earlier in the day that she was considering not putting out until marriage and that her boyfriend should be enough for her, but isn't. He told her from the gate that if she intended to cheat on him, they should just not date because he'd been cheated on by a past girlfriend and wouldn't go through that again. She's incredibly loyal and told him that would not be a problem. But I'm starting to wonder if the reason a past girlfriend strayed was because he pulled the same shit he's pulled with the current girlfriend recently. He's gone completely missing, yet kept contact with at least one other person (her best friend), which we both sensed was an effort to ditch her. Even once they got back in contact he hasn't been all that responsive, one text shot off every now and then. I'm not condoning cheating when you don't get enough attention, I'm just wondering if that's contributed to what his girlfriends have done. It's straight up evil to cheat on someone and then pretend it never happened and everything's hunky dory, but it's a bit different when you have no idea what kind of relationship you're in and the other person doesn't care enough to even ask how you're doing everyday. She and the married dude have talked since and he's floated the idea of hooking up again and maybe even dating. She asked him how he would be able to trust her in a relationship, knowing how they came together. He said she made a good point. She said she would also have to wonder if he would cheat on her and his answer was no, but then he added, "Well, probably not if you kept me happy". Well isn't he just a charmer. IF you make sure we're always living a sunshine and rainbows existence, I will never cheat on you. Thank god she's never going to put herself in that position with him, she's told him they will never hook up again or date. But what a dumbass way to think. It's almost a juvenile view because any adult person will tell you that relationships ebb and flow. No one is 100% happy 100% of the time in any relationship. There are good days, there are bad days, there are days when you're madly in love, there are days when you're not as in love. That's just life. If you're with anyone for any length of time, you will hit a rough patch and you should be able to handle that without cheating on the person. In the end, no lectures were given but I did advise her (and it's so rare for me to be the one advising!) not to tell the boyfriend about any of this. Usually I'm all for the honesty path but there is no reason to tell him. They were likely headed towards a break-up anyway. If she tells him, he will end it and probably be crushed. If she doesn't tell him, it will probably end so the result will be the same. I know she feels awful about it though so we'll see what she chooses to do.
Friend number three has hit a rough patch in almost two-year-old marriage. Their relationship has been a 16 year roller coaster ride. She's 33, he'll turn 32 this year and they have a 3-month-old daughter. They were just teenagers when they met and jumped into a relationship. From the start, it was rocky. They argued a lot and the fights only got worse when he went off to college. He's very charismatic and a very nice guy so he had a lot of female friends. The problem is that, more often than not, he hooked up with these chicks. He kept it from his girlfriend for a few months before coming clean, although he minimized the damage by saying it had only happened once. She was upset but they stayed together. A pattern began to develop where he would be faithful for a few months but then slip up in major fashion and cheat again and again. After about a year of this, she began to notice the pattern and knew he wasn't always faithful. But she let it slide. Then he got himself a drinking problem and went to rehab. She was there the entire time, at every counseling session, giving up drinking along with him. It changed their relationship and he got clean in more ways than one. But none of it lasted long. His old habits refused to die and soon he was drinking again and hooked up with somebody. The odd thing is he never cheated while drunk, he was always sober. She found out and dumped him, and he spiraled further down. He met a woman who also used and they locked themselves away on days long benders, drinking and drugging but never sleeping together. He went back to rehab and cleaned up and, again, got his ex to take him back. This time he was committed to making it work. He didnt cheat, he was totally sober and even floated the idea of marriage. But it all came crashing down a few years later when he caught her in bed with a business associate of his. She was apologetic for a few days but then changed her tune, claiming he'd cheated regularly so she wasn't going to feel bad about having cheated once. Several of us told him at that time that he should probably take the opportunity to bring their relationship to a permanent close. We got that she was pissed about having been cheated on left and right but her complete lack of remorse for doing the same to him was baffling. It was like she had to go tit for tat to get back at him. He severed all contact and moved on to a woman with big, fake everything and was totally smitten. But it fizzled. She liked spending his money and encouraged him to drink "just a little" so she could take advantage of his bank account. He refused to do so and broke it off. Then he dated an 18-year-old for a hot second before caving to pressure from friends to end it (he was in his late 20's at the time). Soon, he was back with his ex again. He wanted to marry her, she set out some rules about what had to happen before that. He needed to be faithful for two years and then they had to have pre-marriage counseling. He also had to remain sober. He complied and they later became engaged. They married a year later and settled into newlywed life, deciding to wait on having kids. But fate dealt them a different hand and they were expecting before they even reached their first anniversary. He was nervous, but excited. She was thrilled beyond belief. Five months into the pregnancy he told her about a trip he wanted to plan for his guy friends the next year. We were all gonna hang out for a week, where was yet to be determined. But she said hell no, refused to let him go off for a week. He chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. Their daughter was born in November of last year and parenthood has tested them both. But he adores that little girl and loves every second of being around her. He again brought up the idea of a boys trip later this year and she again said no. He even offered to shorten it to just a weekend. No. She swears that if he goes on a guys only trip, he will cheat and the rest of us will cover for him. She's always believed his friends have covered for him in the past, but that's not true (if we had, he wouldn't have gotten caught constantly). The girlfriends of the other guys going on the trip have tried to talk her into it for months but she still refuses. So he made a decision a few weeks ago to plan the trip anyway. He told her he was going, like it or not. She didn't like it and kicked him out. He's been staying with a friend and its driving him nuts how she makes him jump through hoops just to see his kid. It's like she's gone all paranoid now that they have a kid, thinking it's only a matter of time before he steps out again. He could be faithful for the next 40 years and it would still not be enough for her. He confided a few days ago that he actually had the chance to be with someone else during a BBQ at a friend's house. Some woman put the moves on him and was willing to leave the party and head to her place. He said no. On the outs with the wife for a week, unable to see his daughter and he said no. That right there is proof that he's changed, he would've been all over an offer like that years ago. I think he should tell her about it but he says he can't because it will just increase her paranoia. Personally, I'd never take a cheater back but she did and she has to either learn how to trust him or just not be with him. It's not fair to keep him from being a father just because she's upset about the past. I hope they work it out, I know how much he loves them both.

Take One Down, Toss Him Around

Friend: My phone doesn't tell me I've got mail. *shock*
Me: lol It does. The little man who delivers it just hasn't arrived yet
Friend: That'd be cool...midget mail. They could dress like cupid.
Me: 99 mail delivering midgets abound, 99 mail delivering midgets!
Me: I'd want my midget to dress like Dog the Bounty Hunter and fight me to the death over accepting delivery of the bills.
Friend: Take one down, toss him around...LOL I got your text in the middle of typing that. Your Dog the Bounty Hunter idea was so great, whatever I was working on is not even worth pursuing after that.
Me: LOL

Up A Creek, Paddle Available In 10-14 Business Days

I fucking hate people. I've been saving up cash for the past three months. I'm going home next week for my mom's birthday and my cousin's wedding reception. The mother of my child and I are planning on taking our daughter to Disneyland (or World or...I don't know, one of them) this year. I'm going to Vegas in May and, oh yeah, doing something for my birthday too. Keeping all of that in mind, I've kept a very close eye on my expenses since the year turned over. Last week was a very good one since I closed out a project and got paid for it much sooner than expected. Today I bought a few things for my trip and consciously used a different card than I usually do so I wouldn't dip into my savings. Imagine my shock when I get an alert on my phone at 1:03AM saying I'd just spent $699 on...well, I'm not sure what it was spent on actually. Probably because I wasn't the one who spent it. Livid, I took to the interwebs to find out what the hell this company does and I'm still not sure. It seems to be some kind of internet company. I've never heard of it and I'm not sure how they got my card information. I called the bank but they're closed until 8AM tomorrow. Of course this had to happen on a Saturday night. Because that's just my luck. I called the company itself and left a message (with an actual person) about what was going on. I'm sure they won't get back to me until Monday. But I'm still pissed off. That wiped out my entire account. I have $3 to my name at the moment. I've had a disputed charge with my bank before and, if I remember correctly (which is always a crapshoot), they put the money back in my account while they investigated things. They cancelled my card and sent out a new one and things all worked out fine. But that was a much smaller charge. And I would've been out that money for a month if they hadn't comped it to me since that's how long it took to close the investigation. I cannot be out $700 for a month. I can't be out that for a few days. How the hell am I supposed to travel on $3? Fuck.

UPDATE: So I got up at almost the crack of dawn to call the bank and dispute the charges. The call was good and bad. The bad news is that they cannot officially open the dispute until the company completes the charge (it's only a pending charge at the moment), which could take 3-5 days. Great. Then, the lady tells me that she'll need to cancel my card. I expected this but was hoping to wait so I could at least transfer any cash I do get back to another account, or even withdraw it so I wouldn't be screwed until a new card arrived. No dice, she couldn't not cancel the card. The good news is that 48 hours after the claim is officially opened, they will refund the money back to my account. While I'm relieved about that, I'm still screwed in the meantime. It usually takes my bank the full five days to complete anything. If a company I buy from puts a temporary hold on my card for any amount it doesn't fall off for at least five days. If that remains the rule, it will be next Saturday before the charge completes. I assume the bank won't process the dispute until the following Monday, meaning I won't get the money back until Wednesday at the earliest. Even when that happens, I will have no way to access it since my card will likely take the full 10 business days to arrive. So basically, I have zero funds until April. Awesome.

In The Stillness Of Remembering What You Had, And What You Lost

I'm a sucker for great harmonies and therefore I am a sucker for Fleetwood Mac. But really I owe my love for them to my mom. She's been a fan forever and owns every box set, every live album and has seen them in concert twice. I'll see them in concert for the first time in May, which I am SUPER excited about. Stevie Nicks is amazing, I love her voice. But what's always sold me on FM is the way they were (I say 'were' because one member no longer tours with them) able to get all of their personalities and writing into each album. And you gotta love any couple who use their music to give each other what for. The 70's were great for that.

Throwback Tuesday

A friend and I determined today that we're coming up on our ten year 'anniversary'. That means we've been terrorizing the world and poking our noses into each other's business for almost a decade. It was a surprise to both of us since we thought we'd passed that milestone already. We reminisced on some stuff today and pulled up a conversation we had back in 2008 and it's amazing how things have changed. At the time, I was navigating how to raise a teenager and now that kid is no longer a teenager and will be a junior in college in the fall. However, some things never change. And that is very evident in the exchange below. It's something that would still happen today.

Me: I don't know..authority is a bitch sometimes
Friend: Tell me about it
Me: When did I get old enough to tell someone else what to do?
Friend: LOL
Friend: Since you stopped being part of MTV's target demographic?
Me: I guess so. You know what's funny about that though? [Best friend] and me were watching TV the other day and one of the girls from some MTV reality show was on like 'E!' and I said, "Who the hell is that?" And she says, "I don't know."
Friend: LMAO!
Me: And we continued to bark at each other like an elderly married couple for ten minutes trying to figure out who this person was lol
Friend: Oh god that's so awesome

And I'm Like, "Fuck You"

A friend just jumped on the Gmail bandwagon, producing the following exchange.

Me: Look at you using Gmail all by yourself
Friend: I feel like the 'We made Shake N Bake and I helped!' kid
Me: As you should
Friend: lol Oh shut up
Me: lol I was agreeing with you!
Me: I made Shake N Bake and you helped. *golf claps*
Friend: lol Fuck you and your golf claps
Me: LOL

America Does Indeed Run On Dunkin'

Best. Story. EVER.

Aaaaaaaand the conversation it produced later. (To the best of my recollection.)

Me: Are you gonna use puppets?

Friend: No! I'm not gonna use stupid puppets!

Friend: Actually, that's quite brilliant. I wish I'd thought of that.

Friend: I'm gonna use that!

Me: No, you can't. I trademarked those puppets. If you wanna use them, you have to pay me money. ONE BILLION DOLLARS A PUPPET!!

Friend: Pssh, my attorney is gonna talk to you for a sec and tell you what's what

Me: LOL Your attorney is gonna talk for a sec? Are you like at a drive-thru law firm or what?

Friend: LOL Yes. I am at the law offices of KFC

Me: lol Unfortunately for you, America runs on Dunkin'. We don't accept your lawyers here.

Friend: LMAO! 

I Came To Get Down, I Came To Get Down, So Get Out Your Seat And JUMP AROUND!

Me: Dear god Crazy Aunt just discovered Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" and is playing it on repeat
Me: No one should have to hear their great aunt sing, "and baby when it's love if its not rough, it isn't fun"
Friend: LOL suddenly, I don't like that song anymore
Me: Jump Around just came on
Me: And apparently Crazy Aunt came to get down
Me: She came to get down
Me: She just got out her seat and jumped around
Friend: LMAO Oh my god that was perfect
Friend: Lol Seriously that made my day better
Friend: You're my hero

Parental Guidance Suggested

Remember when you were a teenager and you got all purty to go out with friends while your mom sat in her house clothes watching TV on a Friday or Saturday night? Yeah, me too. Now, contrast that to your mom getting all dolled up while you sit in the house in your pajamas on a Saturday night. Scary, isn't it? That's the situation a friend and I found ourselves in last year. Her mom was going to a party and we were both in for the night at like 7 o'clock, seeing mom off as she went out to socialize. Her daughter was already in PJ's, I was still wearing jeans but lying on the couch half-dead. And we made jokes about how pathetic it was that we were experiencing that whole child/parent role reversal thing so young. And it hasn't stopped there. I've regularly had to tell my mom not to text or use her phone at inappropriate times. Last night, we were all sitting watching TV and I looked over to see her surfing the web, totally disconnected from the rest of us and the conversations taking place. It's both interesting and terrifying to watch this reversal unfold. When I was home a few months ago there was a pretty substantial snowstorm. I went out to shovel the walk and mom bundled up to help. It always worries me when she shovels or does any other kind of yard work because she has asthma and it doesn't take much for her to start wheezing. She finished a pathway as I'd moved to the driveway and realized it was way too slippery for her to help anymore. I nearly fell a handful of times, I didn't want her to do the same so I told her to go inside. She protested, saying she would be careful and I said, "No. I can do it, go inside". Had I said that in such a tone as a teenager, or even just a decade ago, it would've been met with a swift backhand (or a snowy switch off a tree, depending on her mood). But now, she just quipped about how I was bossy and went back in the house. It'll be interesting to see how it unfolds from here on out, that's for sure.

G: Dude, I'm gonna have to take away her cards if she buys anymore home shopping junk!
Me: I know the feeling. I have to say, "Do you have to text to your friend right now?" on a regular basis yo. 
G: lol Word. Parents, dude
Me: I tell ya, they just become unmanageable after 50
G: LOL So true
Me: lol They're unruly, they back talk and they don't clean up after themselves. Last night I found myself saying, "I know you're not going to leave that empty cup on the counter". I was horrified.
G: lol Nobody said it would be this hard Giuseppe  Why didn't someone tell us how hard it would be when we were in-utero?!?!
Me: lol Dude, I'm convinced this is payback for me having crashed the party in-utero
G: LOL Probably. Tu madre is vindictive like that

$15,000 Ain't Worth Your Soul

I was watching the morning news yesterday when I caught the tail end of this story. I didn't think much of it until the next day when I saw the full story and realized how interesting it was. The cliffnotes version is this: a Connecticut couple hired a woman to be their surrogate, but asked her to abort the pregnancy after they discovered the baby would have birth defects. The woman refused to abort and the couple said they would give up the baby if she went through with the pregnancy, making the child award of the state. The couple offered $10,000 for her to abort, she countered with $15,000, which they refused to pay, before choosing to continue with the pregnancy. She told the couple she was moving to another state at the very last minute, and legal action ensued. The move was so she would have more rights and leverage in a legal arena as the state that she settled in considers the birth mother the legal guardian of a child. She had the baby and the little girl was born with even more medical issues than first detected. The surrogate is a single mother with two children of her own and ultimately had to give the baby to adoptive parents who specialize in raising children with medical issues.
There are a lot of things I don't understand in this story, and even more that I don't agree with. According to the article, this couple already have three children, all born prematurely, two of whom have medical problems. Obviously, there are some issues with the DNA there so why would you still choose to try for a fourth child? If one of my children were born with a serious medical problem, I'd have to really think about having a second. Children with medical problems are expensive and require constant care, I'd have to ask myself if I was willing to roll the dice that any future kids wouldn't have issues. This couple has two with problems, so they knew the likelihood of this child having similar issues. I just don't think it's worth the gamble. I also don't agree with their decision to abort the pregnancy. I'm against abortion anyway since I believe life begins at conception (I'm also pro-choice, figure that one out), but this is about more than that. They knew the risks, they chose to proceed and they should have lived with that decision. Part of the problem these days is that with all the technology we have, people can see what's going on with their babies before they're born and they can terminate the pregnancy if they don't like what they see. It's the equivalent of shaking the Etch-A-Sketch and starting over again when you make a mistake in whatever it is that you're drawing. Everybody has this vision in their head of a perfect baby who will carry on their legacy and live up to all of their expectations, but not everyone thinks about the percentage of children who are born with medical problems. Half the people I know were born with some issue; lung problems, blood disorders, I was born with kidney issues that persisted until I was 10. What if any of our parents had seen some small abnormality on an ultrasound and chosen not to go through with the pregnancy? Back then doctors couldn't conclusively say how severe a birth defect might be. I think you should live with the decision you make, and this couple's decision was to have a fourth child. The embryo took, that baby was theirs. The mother of my child was north of 35 when we became pregnant and the risks of having a child with issues skyrockets after that age. But there was never a thought about not having it, regardless of what any tests showed. It was our child, end of story. The same will hold true if I ever have more kids in the future. My second beef with this story is the surrogate and her counter offer of $15,000 to abort. I don't trust anyone who can be bought, especially over something so major. But I understand not everyone is as staunch in their beliefs as I am. Still, when you're dealing the fate of a human being you should know what side of the fence you stand on before you agree to be a surrogate. At the end of the day, it's not your child that you're carrying, it is someone else's (unless they're using your DNA, that's a whole other story), and you have to understand that those people control what happens with that baby. You're either comfortable giving them that power, or you're not. That couple didn't have to offer her a dime. The fact that she tried to up the offer and basically extort more money out of them makes me suspicious as to what her true motivations were. Maybe she's enjoying the spotlight, maybe she liked the idea of having another baby. Who knows. The whole story is effed up and I just hope the baby is able to live some kind of a normal life at some point.

Like Sands Through The Hourglass, These Are The Gays Of Our Lives

Half of my family is in town to attend my cousin's wedding next week and, while things are crazy and cramped, they've also been all kindsa fun. But then, that's just par for the course with these people. My mom doesn't usually come out East to see me, and the few times she has there have been big snow storms out this way. Not surprisingly, another one is coming this week and she, of course, blames me. Still, I'm very happy she's here. The women in my family are...outspoken, about EVERYTHING. Crazy Aunt says whatever springs to mind, no matter how offensive it might be. My aunt C, mother of the groom, censors herself a bit and is probably the quietest of the womenfolk. My mom thinks before she speaks, but usually says whatever the hell she wants anyway. And my Aunt D, twin sister of Aunt C, well, let's just say she and I have this in common - we'd never make it in politics since it requires some semblance of tact. Any one of these women being in town is a handful to deal with. All of them at the same time is just chaos. Add to that, my cousin from D.C. and my sister's daughter (14 in a month and coming into her own tactless existence), and it's even more chaotic. The irony is that my cousin chose to have the actual wedding reception back home so that our whole family didn't have to fly out and yet half of them have made the journey for the small affair in Boston. Weddings are an interesting time for my clan, and especially destination weddings that keep us all enveloped in togetherness for way too long. Everybody gets all up in everybody else's business and anyone with a significant other gets the third degree about when they're going to prance down an aisle. My D.C. cousin always gets asked about freezing her eggs, to quote Crazy Aunt, "how's that whole thing going, mija?", something she always swears she's going to do because there are no decent men anymore. My sister and her partner, not in town for the festivities, get asked about when they're going to get hitched. And Aunt D's oldest son always gets guilt about having eloped instead of having a big wedding, something that happened over a decade ago. Being that everyone has come into this neck of the wood, instead of us all going home or to some other destination, the aunts are being immersed in our worlds and everyday lives. Myself, my best friend and four of the cousins live on this side of the country. One cousin is married and lives in Boston, DMC, the groom-to-be, splits time between New York and Boston, one cousin is in D.C., my gay cousin is also in N.Y. The marrieds and soon-to-be marrieds get occasional questions about having kids. The rest of us get questions about everything under the sun. The interrogations are almost enough to convince me marriage is the way to go. However, the ladies in my family have put the rest of us on the backburner this trip because they're enthralled by my cousin's gay love triangle. I feel bad for him, taking all that heat and having all the attention, but at the same time I don't since he brought it on himself. Everyone thinks they have the best advice for him and he just doesn't want to hear any of it. But, if nothing else, it gave us this quote from Crazy Aunt:

"Mijo...I love you. But I didn't know it was all Gays Of Our Lives on this side of the country."

It should be noted that as a child my grandma forced us to watch "Days Of Our Lives" everyday after school. I still recall random crap from that show and I'm ashamed to admit it. But that quote from Crazy Aunt makes all that childhood torment worth it!

And I Am Waiting Here, Waiting For You To Come Home

"And I watch them burn / When will I ever learn? / If I wait it doesn't mean / You will return"

February is a bad month for a friend of mine. Her father passed away in that month 19 years ago and she recently wrote a blog about the experience. She was just a child at the time and it's taken awhile to process all of the feelings she has on the subject. I know it still hurts a lot that she didn't get to know him as she grew up, she's had to rely on stories about what kind of man he was. All she has are those stories and the mannerisms and personality traits that she has in common with her father. She'll never get to experience him walking her down the aisle, or having talks about the future. And as tragic as that is, at least she's able to take some comfort in those things. It's not much but it's something. As I read her post, I felt myself a little overcome with emotion. I just got so sad, now having heard more of the story than I ever had before. I've always known about his death and the ways it has affected her, we've had lengthy conversations about it, but it really hit home for me I guess. Another friend once told me that he found it easier to bond with people who had been through some kind of great tragedy, as he had. I can't say I disagree. Both of these friends dealt with terrible losses in childhood, both had their fathers taken from by a murderer. And they are two of the closest people to me. People bond over the craziest things sometimes.
I re-read that blog post at least three times, taking in new details each time. I kept thinking about how she is much braver than I. Even though her post took two years to complete, at least she was able to write it. I'm going on 11 years since my loss and, although I have touched on the actual loss and analyzed the "Dark Ages" something fierce, I have never been able to write down the good things that preceded the untimely end. And there were so many good things. I used to not be able to remember any of them, I consciously stopped myself from going there because it hurt too much. Then, a few years ago, I made peace with my girlfriend's mother and that had a surprisingly positive effect on me. Because I was dealing with my own recovery and because I'm so damn stubborn, I refused any kind of grief counseling in the aftermath of her departure. I just completely shut down. And that lasted for quite some time, I was very bitter. After finding a way to get along with her mom, I was both pissed off and relieved. We'd never been able to see eye to eye when it truly mattered and that upset me. But we were able to reminisce a bit about the past and that was something I never dreamed we'd be able to do. But I left it there, I didn't reminisce by myself. I finally came to terms with the loss but not enough to actually use the "D" word, or talk about her at length with anyone else. A few years ago I put a photo of her back up in my place and that was somewhat soothing. More recently, I've begun carrying the prayer card from her funeral (which I couldn't attend) in my wallet. And there are other reminders that have always been there; a crucifix from the funeral has always hung somewhere in the places I've lived, and a few things that belonged to her have always hung from a chain around my neck. I'm aware that she's gone (at least, she's no longer in the form she once was, but she is here somewhere) but feeling her presence in little things eases the pain.
It is the little things that get to me when I think about the good times. I remember the strangest things about her. She loved music and writing as much as I did, but she was much better at both then I'll ever be. I would write something down but it would be missing that little extra piece to make it pop and she would sit down next to me, skim the page and add in the perfect words. It used to drive me crazy that she would read six books at a time and have them all stacked up in the worst places. I do the same thing now. She hated the way I would crank the radio full blast when a song she hated came on. I'd turn it up and sing at the top of my lungs and she'd roll her eyes at me and swear she would toss me off a bridge if I didn't stop. She used to leave little post-it notes in random places. Sometimes they rambled on about what I thought was pointless stuff. Other times they said how much she loved me or just had a little drawing on them. She was good at all things involving art and I felt so untalented. She could draw, paint, write, come up with all kinds of creative stuff. All I could do was write, and even my writing was sub-par when put up next to hers. I adored her. And I know she loved me. I have many regrets when it comes to us but the biggest was probably not taking that last call. She called me and I didn't answer because I was busy. I couldn't tell you what was more important that moment, which means it likely wasn't important at all. She left a message, a voicemail I have to this day, saved somewhere on a hard drive. I never listen to it but I consider myself blessed to still have the option of hearing her voice.
I discovered this song awhile back via an episode of Law & Order: SVU and I wish I'd found it sooner. The entire song played over images of a mother aging over the course of a decade, awaiting word on the fate of her kidnapped son. I instantly liked this song because it reminded me of her. The lyrics are almost word for word how I felt for nearly a decade. I'm not an idiot, I knew she was never coming home again, but there is a certain kind of waiting that you live with when someone dies. In the immediate aftermath, you go into denial and thing that there must be a mistake and that person is going to walk through the door any minute. I lingered in that stage and a part of me continued to wait for years. And that part did have to learn that she was not coming back, no matter how much I wanted her to. It is because of this that I kept her things as she'd left them. Surely she would be back to get them. In the beginning, I thought about her as if she'd simply left me for someone or something better. It was easier to think that because it meant that she was still here, still living and breathing. Even now, I think that way sometimes because I desperately want that to be the case. And a tiny part of me gets its hopes up when I hear someone laugh the way she does or say something that reminds me of her. I know better, but the waiting continues in some form or another. I guess it always will.

I Can Show You The World

Me: Have you ever had Starburst jelly beans?
Friend: Yes I have
Me: Watermelon, cherry and strawberry are my favorite and I found out they sell just those three flavors in one bag
Friend: And the planets just lined up for you huh lol
Me: lol they did
Me: That Starburst bag called out from the shelf and it says to me, it says...
Me: "I can show you the worlllllld, melon, cherry and berrrrry. Tell me Jeezy how scary is it that this is a highlight of your life"
Friend: LOL I can't tell you how awesome that was
Me: lol sometimes the magic just happens
=======================================

Me: LOL We're watching 'Cheaters' (bc it wasn't my turn to control the tv) and this woman says to the camera, she says, 'if he is cheatin' then...um..he's got some bad stuff comin'...like really'
Friend: lol I'd say, 'if he's cheatin', his hussy can ID him at the morgue'.
Me: lol YES!
Me: I've never understood why the wronged woman goes after the other chick instead of the fool who cheated on her
Friend: Neither do I
Me: LOL So they confront the guy at a midget wrestling event and the cheater gets his ass kicked by a midget
Friend: lol Dude, I would cheat just to have that kind of story
Me: 99 wrestling midgets abound, 99 wrestling midgets, take one down, pass 'em around, 98 wrestling midgets abound
Friend: LOL Everybody sing!

Seasons Change And So Did I, You Need Not Wonder Why

My family is working my nerves of late. One cousin sprung a wedding on us, another is having issues coping with the end of a relationship, and a third cousin just broke up someone else's relationship. I've talked about the first two extensively so let's talk about the third. This dude has been all over the map in terms of dating since he came out six years ago. He's a good guy but he tends to...take full advantage of his good looks and charm. I swear, once he came out it was like every other gay man on earth got some kind of transmission and started hitting on him. But he didn't really date anyone, I think he was overwhelmed. Then he met a quiet, closeted man ten years his senior and fell for him. The guy was equally smitten and they dated for a few years before the cousin decided he couldn't be with someone who was still in the closet. They split for about a day and both were miserable. So his boyfriend decided to come out, thinking that was the one thing keeping them from committing to each other long term. They reconciled for about six months, then the cousin ended it because he met someone else. The family was disappointed, his ex is a great guy who still adores him, but we were also fans of his next choice. Bachelor number two was the complete opposite of his predecessor. He was more feminine and completely out of the closet from the start. Things moved quickly and six months in the new dude was talking lifelong commitment. Which is about the time the cousin took a shine to someone else, ended the relationship and began hooking up with the other guy. It turned out to only be a fling and he and the boyfriend reconciled. Depending on which one of them you talk to, they later either became engaged or they just became very serious. But the boyfriend could not stop talking about marriage after it became legal in their state. The cousin grew uncomfortable with all the marriage talk so he ended it again and they've kinda been on and off ever since. Sometimes he brings him to family events (as he did last Christmas), but most of the time he doesn't. We'd heard little about his personal life until last night when he confessed that he's dating someone. Someone who was/is engaged to someone else.
I know who this new guy is, I've run into him a handful of times. He's a friend of our neighbors, very good looking, smart and friendly Latin dude (that description courtesy of the best friend who argued with me for a month over whether or not he was straight). He, like the cousin, is one of the straightest gay dudes I've ever met. But he is out of the closet and has been since high school. Five years ago he started dating an older guy and his friends were surprised by the pairing. The Latin guy is dark, about 6,1" and very in shape. His paramour was 5'7", snow white and bald with thick glasses. Nobody understood the attraction but they were happy so everyone got on board. The day gay marriage became legal in their state, the Latin fella proposed and the little fella said yes. However, gay marriage was repealed and is working its way through the courts so they had to wait. In the meantime, they moved and ended up in a state where they can legally wed...also a state with no shortage of gay nightlife. The Latin guy likes to look but has never touched. According to our neighbors, the little guy has always been self-conscious and insecure about the relationship. They think he's bought into believing he's not good enough or attractive enough for his boyfriend and it's only a matter of time before he gets left alone. No matter how much assurance he got, he always maintained that he felt temporary in the guy's life. The Latin thought that marriage would help matters and prove that he only wants to be with this one person, so they started planning a wedding. Then he met the cousin. Now, all in the span of about a month, the cousin and the Latin are dating, the engagement is off and everything is out of control. The jilted fiancé is not taking the news well and is lashing out at whoever he considers responsible. Which is apparently everyone BUT his ex. He's gone off on the neighbors, he's gone off my cousin's twin brother. But not on the man who left him. I don't understand the logic. Having been jilted at one point myself, I can honestly say I wasn't pissed at the dude who took my place. My anger was directed at her and at myself. I didn't give a damn about the other dude or analyze what he had that I didn't, I was just pissed off at the way she left. My view is that even if the other party knows they're entering a relationship with someone who is taken, your significant other still chose to pursue it. They were the one obligated to walk away, not the third party. I don't condone entering into these kind of relationships, I'm just saying that this dude's anger is misplaced and it seems to be a common occurrence. Now we're all waiting for the smoke to clear. Time will tell if the cousin is just passing through or if he genuinely loves this guy. We'll either be welcoming the dude to the family, or we'll be back to not mentioning what's going on in his private life. *sigh* No wonder I get migraines.

Your Friends Have Shown A Kink In The Single Life, You've Had Too Much To Think, Now You Need A Wife

My cousin DMC has been engaged since Christmas. He and his intended have had a rocky ride to the altar, he's been on the accelerated marriage path from day one but she was months out of a bad marriage when they began dating. But they seem on the same page now. Around the holidays, they said they were looking at a February wedding date but we didn't hear anything else about it. That is, until yesterday when they announced they will be tying the knot in Boston on 3/13/2013, with a reception the following weekend back in our hometown. I'm happy for them, DMC has wanted to get hitched for as long as I can remember. He and I tend to butt heads on a lot of things, he's very old-fashioned about things and I'm not. This song has always reminded me of him because I've sometimes wondered if he doesn't want the traditional marriage and kids thing solely because it's the "proper" thing to do. I realize now that it's likely more to do with the fact that he didn't have that growing up and wants more stability for his own kids.