And It Isn't Hard To Believe, I Think You Cheated On Me

Cheating has been a hot topic amongst my peeps the last 24 hours. One friend was cheated on, another did the cheating, and a third is fending off allegations of cheating made by his wife. Having been cheated on in the past, I used to be of the mind that the whole 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing is the only way it is. It's black or it's white and that's it. However, over time I've started to realize that it is not so black and white and that not everyone who makes one mistake will go on to make the same one in every future relationship. There was a time when I would not, under ANY circumstances, be involved with someone who cheated on an ex. But it's no longer a big deal. And I credit someone I knew for about 30 seconds with helping to change my opinion. She had a son who was a few years younger than my daughter and was in the midst of a divorce from a man who had already moved on to someone else. They were together for eons, married for four years and he suddenly decided he no longer wanted to be married. Eventually, he divulged that he had an affair and it killed her. During their marriage, he often brought up an incident from her college years in which she'd stepped out on a boyfriend. She never did it again and felt awful about having done it once, but her husband continuously brought it up as if it had anything to do with him. His view was that she would just end up doing it to him too, despite her remaining committed and faithful to him the entire relationship. Then he ended up finding someone else and cheating on her. The irony. I remember being surprised when she told me about the college thing because she totally didn't seem the type, but I genuinely believed her when she said it wouldn't happen again. I wouldn't have had a problem dating her because of one past transgression, lord knows I bring a truckload of them to the table. I surprised myself in that moment and I realized I'm not as paranoid about being cheated on again as one would think. I know how to handle it now and if it happens, it happens. I think there are different types of cheaters; those who will do it again and those who will not. Some people learn their lesson the first time and know how it feels and how badly their actions hurt someone and they never even think about doing it again. Some do it continuously, not caring who they hurt. Others do it more than once but do actually give a damn how they harm others. In the end, it comes down to whether or not you think the person you're with is capable of stepping out on you.
Friend number one was dating some fool for a few months and discovered his unfaithfulness when she answered his phone call and was greeted by a bunch of pretty graphic stuff about the night before. Problem was she hadn't been with him for a week. Yeah. It got ugly and he got dumped. She wasn't that torn up about it since she didn't love the guy or anything, but it still sucks that it happened. Friend number two is in a relationship that has grown to be very undefined the past week or so. She ended up alone, at night with a very good friend who is in a very bad marriage. And you can probably guess what transpired from there. Before she told me about this, she stewed about it for three days and then said she expected a lecture from me and that whatever I had to say, good or bad, was fine because she probably deserved it. But honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. A quarter of the way into the story I knew where it was headed, especially when she'd told me earlier in the day that she was considering not putting out until marriage and that her boyfriend should be enough for her, but isn't. He told her from the gate that if she intended to cheat on him, they should just not date because he'd been cheated on by a past girlfriend and wouldn't go through that again. She's incredibly loyal and told him that would not be a problem. But I'm starting to wonder if the reason a past girlfriend strayed was because he pulled the same shit he's pulled with the current girlfriend recently. He's gone completely missing, yet kept contact with at least one other person (her best friend), which we both sensed was an effort to ditch her. Even once they got back in contact he hasn't been all that responsive, one text shot off every now and then. I'm not condoning cheating when you don't get enough attention, I'm just wondering if that's contributed to what his girlfriends have done. It's straight up evil to cheat on someone and then pretend it never happened and everything's hunky dory, but it's a bit different when you have no idea what kind of relationship you're in and the other person doesn't care enough to even ask how you're doing everyday. She and the married dude have talked since and he's floated the idea of hooking up again and maybe even dating. She asked him how he would be able to trust her in a relationship, knowing how they came together. He said she made a good point. She said she would also have to wonder if he would cheat on her and his answer was no, but then he added, "Well, probably not if you kept me happy". Well isn't he just a charmer. IF you make sure we're always living a sunshine and rainbows existence, I will never cheat on you. Thank god she's never going to put herself in that position with him, she's told him they will never hook up again or date. But what a dumbass way to think. It's almost a juvenile view because any adult person will tell you that relationships ebb and flow. No one is 100% happy 100% of the time in any relationship. There are good days, there are bad days, there are days when you're madly in love, there are days when you're not as in love. That's just life. If you're with anyone for any length of time, you will hit a rough patch and you should be able to handle that without cheating on the person. In the end, no lectures were given but I did advise her (and it's so rare for me to be the one advising!) not to tell the boyfriend about any of this. Usually I'm all for the honesty path but there is no reason to tell him. They were likely headed towards a break-up anyway. If she tells him, he will end it and probably be crushed. If she doesn't tell him, it will probably end so the result will be the same. I know she feels awful about it though so we'll see what she chooses to do.
Friend number three has hit a rough patch in almost two-year-old marriage. Their relationship has been a 16 year roller coaster ride. She's 33, he'll turn 32 this year and they have a 3-month-old daughter. They were just teenagers when they met and jumped into a relationship. From the start, it was rocky. They argued a lot and the fights only got worse when he went off to college. He's very charismatic and a very nice guy so he had a lot of female friends. The problem is that, more often than not, he hooked up with these chicks. He kept it from his girlfriend for a few months before coming clean, although he minimized the damage by saying it had only happened once. She was upset but they stayed together. A pattern began to develop where he would be faithful for a few months but then slip up in major fashion and cheat again and again. After about a year of this, she began to notice the pattern and knew he wasn't always faithful. But she let it slide. Then he got himself a drinking problem and went to rehab. She was there the entire time, at every counseling session, giving up drinking along with him. It changed their relationship and he got clean in more ways than one. But none of it lasted long. His old habits refused to die and soon he was drinking again and hooked up with somebody. The odd thing is he never cheated while drunk, he was always sober. She found out and dumped him, and he spiraled further down. He met a woman who also used and they locked themselves away on days long benders, drinking and drugging but never sleeping together. He went back to rehab and cleaned up and, again, got his ex to take him back. This time he was committed to making it work. He didnt cheat, he was totally sober and even floated the idea of marriage. But it all came crashing down a few years later when he caught her in bed with a business associate of his. She was apologetic for a few days but then changed her tune, claiming he'd cheated regularly so she wasn't going to feel bad about having cheated once. Several of us told him at that time that he should probably take the opportunity to bring their relationship to a permanent close. We got that she was pissed about having been cheated on left and right but her complete lack of remorse for doing the same to him was baffling. It was like she had to go tit for tat to get back at him. He severed all contact and moved on to a woman with big, fake everything and was totally smitten. But it fizzled. She liked spending his money and encouraged him to drink "just a little" so she could take advantage of his bank account. He refused to do so and broke it off. Then he dated an 18-year-old for a hot second before caving to pressure from friends to end it (he was in his late 20's at the time). Soon, he was back with his ex again. He wanted to marry her, she set out some rules about what had to happen before that. He needed to be faithful for two years and then they had to have pre-marriage counseling. He also had to remain sober. He complied and they later became engaged. They married a year later and settled into newlywed life, deciding to wait on having kids. But fate dealt them a different hand and they were expecting before they even reached their first anniversary. He was nervous, but excited. She was thrilled beyond belief. Five months into the pregnancy he told her about a trip he wanted to plan for his guy friends the next year. We were all gonna hang out for a week, where was yet to be determined. But she said hell no, refused to let him go off for a week. He chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. Their daughter was born in November of last year and parenthood has tested them both. But he adores that little girl and loves every second of being around her. He again brought up the idea of a boys trip later this year and she again said no. He even offered to shorten it to just a weekend. No. She swears that if he goes on a guys only trip, he will cheat and the rest of us will cover for him. She's always believed his friends have covered for him in the past, but that's not true (if we had, he wouldn't have gotten caught constantly). The girlfriends of the other guys going on the trip have tried to talk her into it for months but she still refuses. So he made a decision a few weeks ago to plan the trip anyway. He told her he was going, like it or not. She didn't like it and kicked him out. He's been staying with a friend and its driving him nuts how she makes him jump through hoops just to see his kid. It's like she's gone all paranoid now that they have a kid, thinking it's only a matter of time before he steps out again. He could be faithful for the next 40 years and it would still not be enough for her. He confided a few days ago that he actually had the chance to be with someone else during a BBQ at a friend's house. Some woman put the moves on him and was willing to leave the party and head to her place. He said no. On the outs with the wife for a week, unable to see his daughter and he said no. That right there is proof that he's changed, he would've been all over an offer like that years ago. I think he should tell her about it but he says he can't because it will just increase her paranoia. Personally, I'd never take a cheater back but she did and she has to either learn how to trust him or just not be with him. It's not fair to keep him from being a father just because she's upset about the past. I hope they work it out, I know how much he loves them both.