One Margarita...Two Margarita...Three Margarita...Floor (Or In My Case, A Car With A Midget)

Oh what a night. My cousins and G decided we should all go out last night. We could not have foreseen the awesomeness that would occur. G is a bit of a margarita conisseuir and recently discovered one that's a cross between a traditional margarita and a tequila sunrise. I agreed to try one. Aaaaand that is where the night took a turn. I know I'm a lightweight anymore so I nursed my one drink for hours. Everyone else drank them like they'd just been through the desert on a horse with no name. And whilst we were all a little durnk, as usual it was I who was in rare form. The kinda form that makes you wake up thinking, "I have no idea what the fuck I did last night but dammit I had fun". And I spread the wealth, as you'll see later. Back when we were all sober, a woman we'll call L (names have been changed to protect the stupid). She walked up to us and asked my cousin (G's wife) all these flirty questions. Then she asked if her boobs were real and felt her up. G obviously enjoyed this immensely and in his excitement ordered another round and invited our new lesbian friend to join us. She agreed but only if she could bring her friend, who was a little person. Shortly thereafter, karaoke began. And it all became a blur from there. What I do know is that I was giving play by play to friends, although one of those conversations stands out a lot more than the others just because of the sure ridiculousness (highlights below). The night ended at 3 (maybe 4) when our designated driver, the midget, took everyone home....then hit on me...that was certainly a first. But dammit, what a fun night we had. And with that, I am off to recover by the pool.

Aaaaaaaaand the morning after...

I've Overcome The Blow, I've Learned To Take It Well, I Only Wish My Words Could Just Convince Myself That It Just Wasn't Real

When I was a kid, I heard, "Operator, can you help me place this call" as, "Albanita, can you help me place this call". Why did I hear that name? Beats the hell out of me. But it amused my mom and aunt to no end and they still make me sing it that way. It's one of my favorite songs and always kinda hits me but I couldn't tell you why. My best friend and girlfriend have never run off together and left me behind (although that would be hilarious since my best friend is a chick). I guess it just reminds me of other things. Anyway, enjoy!

Oh, Oh, Oh, It's Magic

My mom got a smartphone recently and she is slowly but surely learning how to use it. In hindsight, we should've gotten her an iPhone because the interface is a lot more first time user friendly than the Droid. But what's done is done. Yesterday over breakfast she says to me, she says, "I tried to get to YouTube for the first time on my phone". I was a bit taken aback but asked her how that went. She replied, "Well, I was looking for the video of that news anchor who got fired after cursing on air to see exactly what he said. But a bunch of people I didn't know popped up and then someone started talking so I closed it right away". Hilarious. I told her the next time she attempts to watch YouTube (or work anything on her phone, for that matter), she should make sure she turns the camera on first so we can all see the magic happen.

Then, there's G. Here is how he followed up yesterday's sexy birthday voicemail:

G: "I think your stripper name should be 'Sexual Chocolate'"
Me: "...But I'm not chocolate..."
G: "Ok well what's the Spanish equivalent of that?"
[Silence]
G: "I know! Your stripper name would be 'Sexual Piloncillo'!"
Me: "...No. Just no."
G: "Magic Mike Presents: Sexual Piloncillo for one night only!"
Me: "Did you actually see 'Magic Mike'?"
G: *blank stare* "I'm sorry, what?"

Best. Birthday Greeting. Ever.

*beep*

"Happy birthday you sexy son of a bitch. I'm not surprised that a sexy beast like you hasn't aged a day since...whenever people say people haven't aged a day since. It is an honor and a privilege to be graced with your sexy attention everyday. Everything you do is fucking sexy. Your jokes are sexy. Your work is sexy. Your mother fucking life is sexy. You brought sexy back and you will not let it be ignored. The world rejoices in your sexiness. Happy birthday brother!"

A voicemail left by G this morning (actually left in TWO voicemails). And did I ever need the laugh. Thank you, G! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beautiful, wonderful sister. I love you!

Things do not makes us happy. People do. Possessions are quite meaningless in the end, you really can't take them with you. What you take with you into your next life are the things you learned in this one, the relationships you built. That is what makes you truly happy and grows you as a person and stays with you through the ages. I've never really been all that materialistic. I'm quite content to not have the latest toys. I enjoy things (who doesn't?) but they are not the be all and end all. My friends and I used to joke that we'd be the lowest tech seniors in the retirement home, shunning bionic bodies and life extending technology in favor of living out our days in old wheelchairs, screwing with the staff for our own amusement. After E was diagnosed with cancer again, that joke was no longer funny. Never could we have imagined that not all of us would make it to that retirement home. Tonight, I feel like we are closer than we've ever been to losing E. He's been in and out of the hospital for months now, having bad and not as bad days and even the occasional good day. But this feels different. This feels terrifying. Every trip prior to this one has been for things the doctors were expecting; relatively minor medical issues that could be life threatening to him if not treated quickly. But this...is not good. None of it is good but this is awful. None of us know what to do. Not that there's anything we can do. But wait. And hope for good news. And brace for not good news. It's awful to lose someone suddenly without warning but it is torture to watch someone...I can't even finish that sentence.

Straight Shooter

My friends and I have weird conversations. Case and point: One of the chicks brought up an article she read claiming that semen was the key to eternally youthful skin. Yes, these are the conversations we have. But the real hilarity ensued when another chick refuted the claim in awesomely great fashion.

Female Friend 1: "Oh please. You know it's a man that made that shit up."
Female Friend 2: "Exactly! If that were true, I'd look like a 12-year-old girl right now. And - spoiler alert - I don't."
Male Friend: "...That makes it sound like you were a porn star or something..."
Female Friend 2: "Hey, college tuition needed to be paid, baby."
Male Friend: "Soooo...do you have any examples of your work?"

Where We Are, Where We Are

I discovered Of Monsters And Men by accident. I was flipping through the music channels on the television to find something decent to listen to as background noise while I was on a call. I found something on an Alternative station and parked my dainty ass on the couch. I was too lazy to get up when, "Little Talks" came on, which turned out to be a good thing because I instantly loved the song (and still do). But this is the one I chose to post because my daughter adores this song and listens to it before she goes to bed.

One Eye Is Taken For An Eye

"Hope you got your things together
Hope you are quite prepared to die
Looks like we're in for nasty weather
One eye is taken for an eye"

CCR's "Bad Moon Rising" was used as an opening theme song for a Colorado Avalanche vs. Detroit Red Wings playoff game some years ago. And it was quite appropriate. No words describe the rivalry between these teams better than the lines above. Detroit is one of the Original Six hockey teams, meaning they were one of the first teams in the league way back before it was even the Nation Hockey League. Colorado's team used to reside in Quebec but was relocated to Denver in 1995, where they quickly became a big draw for the city. Prior to that, we'd only had minor league hockey teams but the games were pretty popular so you can imagine how ecstatic we were to join the NHL. The Avalanche were good but lacked a decent goalie, something a team needs in order to win a Stanley Cup, so they acquired a future Hall Of Famer in Patrick Roy. He had already won a Cup in his rookie season with Montreal and was (and still is) an incredibly passionate man. Roy was a character, to say the least. He was known to wink at his opponents after a spectacular save and once put a swift end a public war of words with an opponent by saying he couldn't hear what the guy was saying because he had two Stanley Cup rings plugging his ears (the opponent had never, and would never, win a Cup himself). The second of those Cups would come with Colorado in their inaugural season. Once they acquired a legitimate, proven goaltender, they were practically unstoppable. Detroit already had many Cups and was looking to continue its heritage of being one of the best teams in the league. Detroit had a bit of a rivalry with Quebec but nothing like what its rivalry with Colorado would become. It was the perfect storm. Had the Avalanche not acquired Roy, and a few other players, not all of the pieces would have been in place for the carnage that was to come.
The majority of the Avs/Wings rivalry had to do with how competitive the teams were. Between 1996 and 2002, Colorado won the Cup twice, Detroit won three times. It was understood at the time that the road to the Stanley Cup ran through either Denver or Detroit, and sometimes even both. They met five times in the playoffs, which is usually where rivalries are either born or taken up a notch. The latter happened when the teams met in the 1996 Western Conference Finals. In Game 6, an Avs player named Claude Lemieux, a known tough guy, hit the Wings' Kris Draper from behind. Draper was so badly injured (his face was basically broken; broken jaw, orbital bone and cheek) that he sat out the rest of the playoffs and his teammates were furious over the hit, particularly because Lemieux was not penalized or suspended for it. A single hit was the first blow in the rivalry, but certainly not the last. Colorado would defeat Detroit in that series and go on to win its first Stanley Cup in a four game sweep of Florida. But things festered well into the next season. The first three games the teams played went without incident, likely because Lemieux was not in the lineup for any of them. The fourth game in late March of 1997 would be the boiling point. There were nine fights in the game, an unheard of number nowadays no matter how much the teams hate each other. One of those nine fights involved the two goalies, Roy and the Wings' Mike Vernon. Goalie fights are rare in the NHL so when two future Hall of Famers square off, you know it's pure hate that's motivating them. A Wings player took out Lemieux and a scrum began between the teams. A few minutes into it, Roy came flying out to center ice and began trading blows with Vernon. It. Was. AWESOME. They both emerged bloody and made the front pages of the Detroit and Denver newpapers the next day, the defining image of the game being one Patrick Roy's bloodied face. Detroit went on to win the game in overtime, but no one really cared. It was all about the fight. And it wouldn't be the last. Over the next season there would be several skirmishes and fights between players, but only one other all out brawl. Like the first one, it took place in Detroit but this one began with an offsides call, followed by a scrum. After a few minutes, Roy took off his helmet and gloves and came out to aid a teammate. After lingering at center ice and deliberating whether or not he wanted to get involved, Detroit's goalie, Chris Osgood, finally dropped his gloves and went at it with Roy. This fight was much less bloody and didn't last very long but it was obvious how much the teams detested each other. It took around ten minutes to sort everything out, calm everyone down and hand out penalties. Trainers were trash talking each other, the coaches were yelling at one another over the glass. It was complete chaos. And it was to be the last brawl of its kind between the two teams.
The Avs have been in steady decline since winning their last Cup in 2001 and the Wings have remained a powerhouse in the league, although they are struggling to hold on to a playoff spot this year. All of the players from the glory days are now retired but mostly still a part of the league in some way. If you Google the brawl, you'll see tons of pictures, points of view and memorabilia. A book was written about the longstanding rivalry, which only makes your blood boil all over again if you're a fan of either team. It takes you back to the glory days. My uncle has a framed photo of the Roy/Vernon fight in his house. My mom has a bit of a shrine in her basement of Avs stuff (one of my friend's mothers has a Jesus shrine in her house. My mom? Hockey. Because hockey is her Jesus.) and used to pass by an apartment building everyday where a resident put a Red Wings jersey up in his window. She considered firing shots at it, but ultimately decided she couldn't afford the bail for something like that (I wish that were a joke). Of course, this was long after the rivalry had died down. Back in the glory days, you could not wear the other teams jersey in the others state for fear of retaliation (also not a joke). Ironically, around the time the rivalry died down I befriended a die hard Wings fan, who I am still friends with to this day, but we don't dare talk hockey. Colorado's season will end this month, again without a playoff berth to speak of. Detroit is clinging to the final playoff spot in the league but will likely make it. The Avs have become amongst one of the worst teams in the league thanks to mismanagement and a general apathy by their owner about putting a good team on the ice. I cannot tell you how badly I hope that changes in the offseason. It's unlikely Colorado and Detroit will renew their rivalry in the future since they will be in different conferences next season when the NHL restructures itself. Detroit will be an Eastern Conference team (as they should have been all along given their location) and Colorado will remain the the Western Conference. But it was certainly fun while it lasted.

Things Get Damaged, Things Get Broken

April is not a good month for me. At all. And it's not going well at the moment. But, as always, music is a refuge. I heard this song a few days ago and instantly liked it. And I can relate to it, a guy basically apologizing to his kids for the break-up of his marriage. Obviously I can relate to the effect that a break-up has a kid, although our daughter has never known her parents to be together. I've seen kids with divorced or broken up parents turn out hot messes with all kinds of issues. But I've known a number of others whose parents were civil and who grew up to be awesome people. They still feel the effects of the divorce in different ways, but it doesn't define them or infect their own romantic relationships. I genuinely hope Miss N grows up to be a part of the latter group.

The (Facebook) Battle For Equality

A few weeks ago I changed my Facebook profile picture to this:

I was unaware of the stir and confusion it would cause. Almost immediately after changing it, a friend commented about it. Two days later another friend commented about it. But the real hilarity kicked in this week when two latecomers to the Facebook party noticed the change. One had no idea what was going on and the other...well, might be blind. Read on.





G: Why is your Facebook pic Burt and Ernie?
Me: It has to do with the Supreme Court thing on gay marriage.
G: What's that?
Me: ...Gay marriage?
G: lol No fool, the court thing.
Me: They're deciding on whether gay marriage is going to be legal or not.
Me: Read a damn newspaper dude lol
G: lol I do! I just thought they ruled already
Me: And what did they rule exactly?
G: I don't know
Me: *sigh*
G: Don't give me the disappointed sigh. I'll change my picture too and then it'll look like I pay attention. I don't know why yours is Burt and Ernie though
Me: *sigh*
G: Shut up! lol
G: I'm gonna change my pic and then post some profound status update about how that decision will affect us all because it is a civil rights issue and shit. You just watch!
Me: LOL "Civil rights issue and shit" - says the Latin Martin Luther King
G: LMAO Damn right. My FB status will change the world.
Me: Heal the worllllllllddddd
G: LOL Fuck you.
Me: LOL. Don't you have a gay cousin who wants to marry his boyfriend should the domino fall the right way?
G: Oh sure. Throw that in my face now.

======================

Friend: Who's that fat dude in your FB photo?
Me: ?
Friend: The fat kid in your main profile picture dude
Me: I have no idea what you're talking about dude
Friend: Look at your FB!
Me: Are you talking about the pic with a red background?
Friend: Yes! Duh
Me: LOL
Friend: What?
Me: That's a picture of Burt and Ernie from Sesame Street. So I guess the fat kid would be Ernie.
Friend: LMAO. Woooooooow I am blind
Me: I don't even know how you did that...
Friend: Well I only glanced long enough to see the fat kid!
Friend: I thought the red background was an odd color choice.

X Marks The Spot

My daughter turns five on Tuesday. My niece turns fourteen in a couple weeks. My sister and I turn...uh..."26" at the end of the month. What does all of this lead us to conclude? We need new toys. I'll soon be moving back into my apartment which means I'll have my own bedroom and my own bathroom and my own kitchen and my own living room and my own TV that I can hold the control to (in your face best friend!). Tres exciting. My sister has been flirting with getting the kids (and her boy toy) an Xbox for months now and she finally gave in last week. Lucky me, I happened to be home when it arrived and got to play along with everybody else. And I have to say it was mighty nifty. That Kinect contraption is some Star Trek stuff ya'll. I mean, it's not as cool as a replicator but it's still up there. You control everything with your body and your hands, even the main menu of the Xbox. And the big draw is that there are games for everyone; the bro-in-law and I played hockey (which doesn't use the Kinect, unfortunately), the older kids and adults played sports and the younger ones played animal-themes and Disney games. And thus, I decided that Miss N shall get an Xbox for her birthday. Now, I know what you're thinking (because everyone else in my life thought the same thing when I told them), but this is NOT a gift for daddy. Miss N fell in love with one of the animal games to the point where she didn't want to leave it behind when it was time for us to go (she kept her cool much better than me, I threw a tantrum when I had to leave hockey behind). We'll both get use out of this and the games geared towards her age are educational, which I like. Really, it's a birthday present for both of us. And it's not like it won't make me pay in the end. I played that game once for maybe an hour a few days ago and I am STILL sore in every part of my upper body. It's only a few years before Miss N is old enough to play those games herself, which means I'll be sore all over again, probably more so since I'll be an even older man by then. Can't wait.

Cuz I Like Pina Coladas, Gettin' Caught In The Rain

Since I was a child, I have made up alternate lyrics to songs. This has always amused my mom and every time we hear a song I changed the lyrics to, she makes me sing my version. My greatest hit amongst my family is Rupert Holmes "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)". When I was a kid I heard, "if you like making love at midnight and the dude suffocates". What he actually says is, "if you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape". Soooo...maybe I had some interesting...tendencies as a child. But to this day those lines follow me around like a curse. The song itself is hilarious in that both of these people turn to the personal ads because their unhappy with their relationship, end up falling for each other and just brush off that whole, "Hey! You took out a personal ad with intent to cheat!" conversation they should have. Anyway, this song made an appearance in my life again today. And it was awesome.

Friend: lol That was a trainwreck
Me: lol Can you think of a better analogy for our marriage?
Friend: Yes I can...
Friend: Our marriage is like Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
Me: It's like the feel of the ocean, or the taste of champagne
Friend: It's like makin' love at midnight
Me: *pushes you out the way and takes the mic* IT'S LIKE MAKIN' LOVE AT MIDNIIIIIIIGHT WHILE THE DUUUUUUUDE SUFFOCATES
Friend: LMAO! I can see you shoving me out of the way

And Had You Gone, You Knew In Time We'd Meet Again For I Had Told You

This is a momentous occasion kids. It's the first Beatles entry in this here blog. And it's not at all the song I thought it would be. I LOVE me some Beatles. I was raised on them, my daughter is being raised on them, her children will be raised on them in accordance with the prophecy. I own several Beatles shirts, and in my living room (when I have a living room) hangs a framed picture of John Lennon's "Imagine" lyrics. I don't trust, nor associate with folks who do not like at least two Beatles songs. That would be a question when I interviewed people for jobs, if I was ever trusted in such a position of power. The point it, I love me some Beatles. What's not to love? They were geniuses and every single one of them had/has a successful solo career. And that was the blessing and the curse, really. All of that creativity made them what they were, but it also tore them apart. I wish the reunion they were discussing at the time of John's death had come to fruition. His death is still tragic to this day. I can't even name a favorite Beatles song, it changes depending on my mood. I love the acoustic instruments in "And I Love Her", I love everything about "In My Life". I could go on for days. My spiffy radio app has a commercial-free station devoted to all Beatles, all the time and I was listening to it the other night when this song came on. I don't think I'd heard it in quite some times and, inexplicably, it wasn't on my iPod (that has since been rectified). This just shows the range, those dudes could write, sing and play anything. Good stuff, that's what this is.

A Swift Backhand(ed) Compliment

Conversation over breakfast this morning:

Sister: "Oh! Guess who's coming to speak to my class next week."
Me: "Who?"
Sister: [My ex-girlfriend]
Me: "Oh really? She'll probably be good at that."
Sister: "I think so. You know, your manwhore days really turned out to be good for me. Most people take years to develop these kind of contacts. All it cost you was some charm, your body, and your self-respect."
Me: ..."Um...thanks?"

LOL. My god, I love my family. Especially when they validate my manwhorishness.


=======

And later in the day...


Friend: Mom's brilliant. She took a hot dog bun, put a banana in it and peanut butter on top
Me: ...Huh. That doesn't sound too bad actually
Friend: It is tasty. I don't like bananas, but with peanut butter, I'm all over it
Me: I'd put honey, then banana then PB
Friend: Leave it to you to take something and improve it to the point where it sounds sexy as fuck.
Me: LOL. Bc PB and banana was lacking until the honey came in

Me: How are you feeling? Besides so horny that a PB sandwich sounds sexy
Friend: As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Me: I take a look at my plate and see half my sandwich left
Friend: LOL. 
Friend: Cuz I've been eatin and drinkin so long that even my mama thinks my appetite's gone