N's The Word

I was all prepared to write a post about a documentary I watched recently regarding colorism within the African-American community. The main point the doc was making is that lighter-skinned African-Americans are more accepted and, for lack of a better word, wanted than dark-skinned African-Americans. It talked about people hoping their children come out lighter so they will be more accepted and showed an interview with a little girl, around 10-years-old, who is miserable and thinks she's ugly because her skin tone is dark. Can you imagine? Not liking who you are because society tells you that you're "too dark"? Poor kid. Her mother and siblings were lighter-skinned and made it a point to tell her on a daily basis how beautiful she is so that she can hopefully break free of the eons old stigma that she's less attractive because she's darker. They also showed a test given to younger kids about race, which I remember also catching a glimpse of on a news network awhile back. They showed these kids, of all different colors, a piece of paper that had six little cutouts of children on them. The cutouts were of various skin tones, ranging from very dark to very white. They asked the kids simple questions like, "Which one of these do you think is smarter?" and, "Which one of these is beautiful?" and then followed up by asking them to explain their choices. More often than not, the kids chose the lighter-skinned cutouts as being smarter and better looking. When asked why, most gave a simple answer - "because they're light/white". And that's just so disappointing. This is an effed up world. We consider darker skin to be better looking, as long as it's not too dark. They talked to dudes in the movie about their preferences when it came to dating and some liked white women, some like black women, but only a few liked darker skinned black women. You can't help who you're attracted to but I wonder how much of it has to do with the stigma.
Rather than write an entire post on the doc, an interesting conversation with a close friend has taken me in a different direction. She asked me about the Paula Deen saga because she's missed most of the coverage the past week or so. I admit, I've always liked her but I can't tell if she's genuinely apologetic about what happened or if she's just trying to save what remains of her rapidly crumbling empire, thanks to her clueless team releasing botched apology videos every day. And the real kicker is that it all could've gone away in short order had she just said, "Hey y'all, I'm from the old South and was raised with that word and mentality but it has no place in today's society and I regret saying it.". That's it. Apologies will get you everywhere in the media if they're sincere. The problem is that the geniuses running her damage control thought she was so beloved that they could half-ass an apology and just skim over the issue. Shockingly, that did not work out well. Why? Because people don't skim over anything when it involves race. I hear she's hired the real life Olivia Pope now to run her damage control but it's probably too late for that. But I'm not sure I believe the picture that's being painted of her as a racist monster. Notice that these lawsuits being filed that talk about how awfully racist she was towards employees are coming AFTER that deposition tape was released, and years after they actually are alleged to have happened. That's always suspicious. I saw an article talking about the P.D. situation that said something along the lines of, "So she used the 'N' word, who hasn't?". Uh, I haven't. I've never used that word, not even when singing along to a song that uses it. And it's never been a question to me as to whether or not to use it, I was raised to believe that word is off-limits in all situations. Of course now I find it even more offensive because my daughter is African-American, but I still think there is no reason for anyone, no matter what color they are, to use it. The person I was having this convo with has also never used it. In fact, while describing a situation to me in which the 'N' word was being used quite frequently, she went out of her way not to use the actual word. I asked my mom about the situation and she said she's never liked that word, not even as a child when it was more widely used. Even a few of my great aunts, who are about the same age as Paula Deen, have never used the word before. So clearly, not everyone has used it.
The 'N' word is a major thing in Hip Hop culture and a major bone of contention in society. And when you think about it, that's interesting. No other ethnic group freely uses offensive words the way the 'N' word is used. Forgive the language, but white folks don't call themselves 'crackers' and Latinos don't refer to themselves as 'wetbacks'. The same is true of most other ethnic groups when it comes to racial epithets about themselves. I'm not sure if it's because we've decided as individual cultures not to use those words because we find them so offensive or what, but those terms are not thrown around the way the 'N' word is. On the one hand, I understand some people believe that freely using that word is a way of "taking it back" and changing the meaning. But there are still a number of people, of all colors, who find it offensive. And it will never truly be eradicated unless it is no longer used at all; in music, in film, in everyday conversation. There's always going to be this ongoing debate about it until people stop using it altogether. And maybe that will happen, maybe it won't. I can't stand it when I hear that world hurled around. My daughter is mixed but is darker than I am and there's no question as to whether or not she's African-American when you look at her (her hair gives her away). I don't want her to grow up in a world where she has to hear that on the subway or while waiting in line at the store. There's no reason for it. And hopefully in her lifetime, it will stop being used.

I Really Think It's Just A Matter Of Tiiiiiime

My best friend turned 32 years young this week. I've known her all 32 of those years and we have had some times. When we were kids, she and my sister (and most of my female cousins) were obsessed with New Kids On The Block. We're talking every album on repeat, merchandise galore and money shelled out for Pay-Per-View concerts ('member those?). It was ridiculous. My mom, saint that she is, decided to get the best friend and sister each their own set of NKOTB dolls (oh yes, there were dolls) for Christmas one year. She found four of the five but the last one was sold out everywhere she went. And, of course, it just happened to be the one that they both idolized (imagine that, they both fancied the gay one). She went to no fewer than eight stores the week of Christmas to try and find the damn thing. She finally got one on Christmas Eve, but could only find the one. The best friend's mom suggested they share it and they passed that little dude around until the new year. Then on New Year's Day they get into a fight over who has custody and his head pops off and rolls across the street. The moms were thrilled. The best friend and sister were grounded (I also eventually got grounded for making fun of them...no one was left unscathed by the great NKOTB incident). In honor of the best friend's birthday, I let her choose this week's blog song. And I was shocked - shocked - when she requested her favorite NKOTB song. Happy Birthday!

Head Case

I have entered counseling. Okay, well not really (although I'm sure most of you think I should). Do you know the downside of growing up with a bunch of chicks? That, no matter how old you get, they still get to control the television. And they always wanna watch chick shows. I'm more familiar with Lifetime (aka the chick channel) and WE television that I would like to be thanks to all these chicks. But there is also the occasional upside. Sometimes the shows they force me to watch actually add some kinda information to my life. Such is the case with a show about boot camp style marriage counseling. While I'm not altogether sure I trust the therapists on the show, they are an intense old guy married to what appears to be a younger woman who is his second in command, they do make some good points about this marriage business. They preach the usual 'be a team' stuff that you always hear but they're dealing with couples who are on the verge of divorce and need to be shocked back into reality. Much of what their counseling for these peeps entails is trying to shock them into working out their issues, which are sometimes petty. They took them to a divorce lawyer and explained the process and who would likely be awarded what if they chose to divorce at this moment. You would think that being confronted with losing someone you love in such a dramatic way would bring them back down to earth and remind them how much they love each other. But no. There are something like five couples on the show and four of them chose to fight over money or child custody while in the mock divorce scenario. One wife even brought up how her stay-at-home husband lost custody of his son from a previous relationship after the lawyers told her he would likely get their daughter in a split (the kicker is that it wasn't his fault he lost the kid, his ex took off and he couldn't find her). Only one couple actually got the point of the exercise and decided on the spot that they could not lose each other and would apply themselves to the counseling biz. Another exercise saw one spouse get into a coffin before the other one was brought in to give a mock eulogy. They each had to write letters to each other prior to this and the "living" partner had to read their letter in the past tense, then the "deceased" had to respond from their heart and off the top of their head. The point was to remind them how much they loved each other and how they would feel if that person was definitely gone. The results were mixed. Some of the "dead" folk refused to speak from the heart, even as their spouse was in tears talking about how much they loved them. Mrs. Personality, who had brought up her husband losing his son, refused to do the exercise at all, even after they explained to her that it was for her husband's benefit and not hers. On the one hand, I couldn't really blame her since it was a bit of a morbid thing and because I would NEVER do that. But my refusal has to do with my past. Hers was just stubbornness.
I'm a little fascinated by two of the couples on this show, which is weird considering their issue is alleged cheating and I've never really had to deal with that. The first is Mrs. Personality and her husband, a very overly emotional dude a lot of the time. I mean, dude cries A LOT. I remember seeing the show that chronicled their trip to the altar (thanks again ladies in my life who have ruined me) and thinking back then that it wouldn't last. He's over a decade older than her but it's clear who wears the pants in the family. She was like 22 when they got married, he was pushing 40 and suspicious about what she was doing in her free time. She was a bit of a party girl and he was concerned that she wasn't ready to be a wife because she was still in her college phase, going out most nights and usually without him. They lived together but she never, under any circumstances, let him see her phone or social networking profiles. She took her phone everywhere with her and hid it when they were asleep. Obviously something was going on that she didn't want him to know about, but he never did anything besides protest and then run away with his tail between his legs when she scolded him for it. His family told him to cut her loose. His friends practically begged him not to marry her. But he went through with it and four years later they have a child and are in marriage counseling. And she still refuses to let him see her phone. He says he's gotten a hold of it a few times and answered calls that were in her contacts under female names but it was a dude when he picked up the phone. Sometimes she gets texts or calls from these same pseudonymed people at two in the morning. Something ain't right there. And he knows it, but he can't prove it and has resigned himself to the fact that she's probably cheating but that doesn't matter to him because "no one can protect her better than I can and I'll kick those dudes asses". Well isn't that productive. In reality, I think he married her and refuses to leave her because he's now north of 40 and doesn't think he can do any better. His wife is just stone cold though, no emotion exists within that chick. Another couple also have the same issue but with the roles reversed, the wife thinks the husband is cheating because he never lets her see his phone either. The thing about it is that the dude is slick, no one can really gauge whether he's actually cheating or if he's just withholding his phone to screw with his uber-controlling wife. She also assumed pre-marriage that he was cheating and pointed to one incident in particular where she sent him out to get something at the store and he was gone for three hours without a word. After that she instructed everyone they knew to text her if they ever saw him out with another woman, regardless of who the woman was. Now she says she gets calls at work during the day saying that he's out and about with other chicks, but she's never actually caught him with one. I thought he was probably just messing with her for his own amusement until the therapists took them aside and said to him point blank that he had to choose between his wife and his phone, the former meaning he allows her to see everything on it and the latter meaning she would leave him. They handed him his phone and told him to make a choice and he deleted every single thing on that phone on the spot. Dude got all kindsa yelled at, and rightfully so. It's just ridiculous that these peeps say they're in love with their spouse but are willing to lose them over something as trivial as a cell phone. I've never had an issue with someone I've dated seeing my phone, provided they ask and aren't just picking it up and going through it without my knowledge. I also wouldn't have an issue with someone seeing my social network stuff. I mean, I write for all the world to see anyway and I don't hold anything back so of course I have no problem with that. But someone refusing to even leave their phone on the counter for fear that their partner will see a text or call...that's not a good sign. Things are either open or they're not.
Shockingly, I'm actually learning stuff about marriage with this here show. Sometimes they make good points. One of the most recent exercises talked about how our relationships with our parents will eventually have an effect on our partnerships. They said this is inevitable, it will happen at some point, even if your childhood was great. Because at the end of the day, our parents have had the most significant role in shaping who we become. This is nothing new obviously, we all know that if you grew up in a violent household, you're more likely to be prone to violent relationships. If you grew up with a white picket fence, you're more likely to be prone to keeping up appearances in your relationships. But there are a million little extremes in between those two scenarios. For example, my childhood was pretty damn great but not at all white picket fence. My relationship with my mother is fantastic and always has been. My relationship with my father was non-existent right up until his death. Despite this, I held no hostility towards him. At least, I didn't think so. But after his death I realized that, while I still do not think my life would have been enhanced had he been there, I would have liked to confront him just once and ask why he left. I suppose that's inevitable when you're a kid whose parent chose to walk away. There's that tendency to feel not good enough or not worthy of someone's love. And that has followed me quite a bit in my romantic relationships. Certainly, the events in my early twenties play into the abandonment and unworthiness issues that I feel, but I'm sure some of it is rooted in childhood. Since I was a kid, I've stopped my mind from wandering to the 'why didn't he want to stay' place. But I think it took root anyway. And I think the moment it did was when he stopped calling after the one time we met him. Because it was like being rejected twice over; he had no interest in staying during the pregnancy or coming around after the birth and then, to top it all off, he actually did meet us and then just dropped off. I wasn't technically around for the first rejection but I remember the second one all too well. And even though I never really knew the guy, it still stung because we are taught that our parents are the only people on the planet who should truly love us unconditionally. So now I have a problem accepting someone else's unconditional love. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yeah, this person loves me now and we get along great but how long before they get tired of me or realize I'm a lost cause and walk away? And it's not just romantic relationships, I do this with friendships too. So the tendency is to stop it before the rejection happens. If I lose touch with someone, I don't tend to pick it up again on my own because what if they actually wanted to lose touch? My issues manifest stupid little ways like that. Even though my relationships usually end for other reasons, this is always still in the front of my mind when going into them. Which is probably why I'm more attracted to complex people, people who have been through something significant in their lives that changed them in some way. I've only ever dated one person who came from the white picket fence scenario and a large reason that it didn't work out was because she had no demons to speak of and didn't fully understand mine. We couldn't relate to each other well at all. But it gave me an education in how our childhoods affect our futures. My mom has always been a fan of the saying, 'children learn what they live'. And that's very true. But we also learn what we never had the chance to live and wonder how it would have been different.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Awhile back I was friendly with this chick who told everybody she knew every single detail of her life. We never dated, and I knew we never would since she couldn't stop running her mouth about crap. In the beginning, when she told me that she "couldn't help" but tell people everything I thought it was a joke. Most people who say that over-exaggerate it a bit and are actually able to keep a lot of things, important things, to themselves. But she was dead serious - she told everybody in her life anything and everything that happened. She was in the middle of a divorce when we met and wasn't shy about divulging all the details, including ones that should have been kept between the two of them. And I quickly learned that anything I told her would be spread all over town. She mentioned she'd had brain surgery when she was younger and I opened up about my own brain battles. The next day she tells me what her mother, father, cousin and friend all said about my accident. When I expressed that I wasn't thrilled about her telling everyone about my stuff, she reacted as if she had no idea why I would be upset. It was like she had no concept of keeping anything to herself. Everything that happened, every word or story relayed to her, she felt was hers to share with the world, no matter how personal. It was around the time I heard her say something about how she shared details of her sex life with her parents that I decided to make my exit. It was ridiculous how she could not keep her mouth shut about anything. For a minute I felt bad for her soon-to-be ex-husband but then I thought he must have known what he was getting into when he married her. But he still married her. Don't get it. I do not understand how you have a relationship with someone who tells the whole world intimate details of your life. How do you live with someone who divulges your secrets, insecurities and god knows what else to everyone they know? I couldn't do that.
The best friend is equally private when it comes to her...well, private life. Our little circle of friends knows everything about each other, but outside of that she only tells close family who she's dating and never talks about who she's just hooking up with. And so it was only us who knew about her dalliance with a 23-year-old dude this week. She told him that this was out of character for her and that she didn't want either of them to go blabbing to the masses about it, in case it ended up just being a one night stand. I think she wanted it to just be a one nighter so she didn't have to deal with it anymore. But he texted the next day and sweet talked her some more and she started thinking about actually dating him. But then he said something that completely put her off and made it easy to cut the cord. He told her he'd told all his college buddies about their hook up. Not only that, but he also phrased it in this way:, "I hooked up with an old lady last night". Whilst we all found the statement hilarious (except her, of course), we were equally as appalled by him telling every detail of the night to his friends (oh, AND their girlfriends). And we got to thinking that maybe it's a generational thing? Maybe it's that whole social media craze that has people divulging every detail of every move? I don't know. I think it's safe to say that has something to do with it in his case, but I think the chick I dealt with was just an oversharer. She was older than me so that can't be a generational issue. But damn, this whole thing reminded me how old I am. I remember age 23 like it was yesterday when in reality it was almost a DECADE ago! Damn college kids.

You Can Check Out Anytime You Like, But You Can Never Leave

My earliest memory of this song is hilarious. My family often had weekly BBQ's and holiday parties when I was a kid (they still do, actually). Usually, they would be at one particular uncle's house. He moved a lot so there was always a new house to navigate to and break in with some shenanigans. This particular house was three stories with an unfinished basement that he was slowly turning into his man cave. He had a couple of sports posters on the wall, some barstools and a bar in this room. That was it. The walls weren't even finished with drywall and no one really liked being down there because it was cold as hell, no matter the season. That is, until we brought over our karaoke machine. I don't remember the exact occasion but I think it was around the holidays. The kids were anxious to do karaoke but we kept being told "later", so we found other ways to amuse ourselves. When we'd had enough of "later", we went back downstairs to find a bunch of drunken folk singing along to oldies music. The most powerful (in so many ways) selection for me was The Eagles "Hotel California". They did the entire seven minute masterpiece, air guitar solos (yes, plural) included and it was glorious. The fun part was most were so drunk that they didn't even remember having done it until their children reminded them the next day, and for years thereafter. It was pretty fantastic. As is this song. I was the kid in high school who was blasting "The Eagles Greatest Hits' when everyone else was blasting the latest hit song. And unapologetically so. Behold seven minutes o' perfection.

If I Didn't Know Better...But Dammit, I Do

Best Friend: How young do you think is too young to date?
Me: ...You know that anyone five minutes younger than me is too young for me. How young do you think is too young for you?
BF: I don't know...I think I may have done something bad...
Me: And what's his name?
BF: lol That's not important
G: Did you bed a younger man?!
A: Oh Lord...
R: Barely legal up in here
BF: Shut up lol
Me: So how young?
BF: YOUNG.
Me: ?? Is he old enough to drink? Old enough to drive? lol
G: LOL Can he legally vote?
A: LMAO The committee also would like to inquire as to whether he's old enough to ride his bike without training wheels
BF: LOL Fuck all of you.
R: LOL Training wheels. Shoot, I wanna know if his umbilical cord has been cut yet.
BF: I hate you
Me: LOL! These are all valid questions
BF: He's 23 *braces for criticism*
A: OMG!
R: Whaaaaat?
G: Wait - 23 as in a DECADE your junior??
R: lol This would be just another day at the office if we were talking about Giuseppe
G: LOL It's funny cuz it's true!
Me: lol Yes. Yes it is.
BF: Scuse you, I am 31!!
Me: Til next week...
BF: At which time I will be 32
G: lol Oh excuse us, your highness. NINE years your junior.

God Save Me Rejection From My Reflection, I Want Perfection

The other night while out with friends, a chick tried to, and failed miserably at, flirting with me. After the epic failure, we all sat in uncomfortable silence until her friend said something about a certain trashy reality star's pregnancy. Then the two of them were off to the races. I kid you not, they blabbered on and on for a half hour about every reality "star" on the planet. And I wanted to shoot myself. I give zero fucks about those people. And it's ridiculous that this is what society has come to. My, how times have changed. Sex tapes are now the way to become a "star". The half-wits who make them are considered role models. Those "role models" every thought and action is documented via Twitter and taken as gospel by their "followers". The "Look At Me, Look At Me!" Culture is something I just don't understand. Humans crack jokes about how easily animals are amused; dogs chasing their tails, cats chasing the beam of a flashlight, yet we don't realize it takes just as little to entertain us as it does our animal counterparts. We latch on to the latest viral video or fad and pass it around as if it's oxygen. As a society, we are fascinated by pointless shit. And that's what keeps this 'look at me' culture afloat - everyone is an enabler. Some people seem to think the world needs to know their every thought and action so they document it on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram. Social media is the biggest enabler of all. People are so paranoid about the government filming them and knowing too much information about them, yet they're all gung ho about putting personal things on Facebook for all to see. It's ridiculous how little it takes to be famous nowadays. You need no talent at all. Just opportunity. And if the opportunity doesn't freely present itself, people create it themselves. 

Let's have a look at the "KK" empire, shall we? (I won't use the actual name of the publicity whores). How did they gain relevance? Well, they had a minor brush with fame with the family patriarch represented a very famous murderer. But that wasn't enough I guess. Years later, the supposed best looking one palled around with other trust fund socialites on red carpets and people began to take notice of her. But it wasn't until the "leaked" sex tape that she really became somebody. What should have been a quick pop culture moment of homemade porn gone viral instead turned into a career opportunity to be seized. Next came a reality show with the entire family. Then a reality marriage that, surprise, didn't last. While involved in a divorce process that far outlasted the actual marriage, the golden child got knocked up by a temperamental rapper. Nearly nine months later, they seem to be on the outs and her family is questioning his motives. There so much wrong with this story. First of all, the fucked up matriarch of the clan used her daughter's sex tape to further the family's careers. Which is wrong on so many levels. Second, the chick that millions of girls idolize and millions of other women see as someone who is talented and successful, is dumb as a box of rocks. She married, then divorced one fool. Made a sex tape with another fool. Married yet another fool for publicity. Divorced said fool weeks later when she was done with him. Then for knocked up by ANOTHER fool whilst still married to the previous fool. So the moral of the story is that sex tapes, divorce and adultery will get you everywhere in life. As long as you have a fame hungry stage mother to steer the wheel. I'm sure there will be more divorces, more adultery and more babies down the road. And every one will be lauded as the second coming by stupid people who think reality shows are actually real.

Would the aforementioned clan be as successful without social media? Possibly. The celebrity tabloid culture has always been alive and kicking. But social media definitely adds another layer. The problem with social media is that it allows us to blurt out things in the heat of moment, only to take it back later. An acquaintance of mine "came out" via Facebook a few years ago. Two weeks later another FB post informed us all that she was not in fact a lesbian and that it had only been a phase. Without social media, nobody would have known about that phase. But with social media, it became a story that everybody suddenly had an opinion about. The same is true of most celebrity news and gossip today. Why the fuck do people care s out a talentless, spoiled pop star's pet monkey? Why are there people who strive to be "the next" talentless pop or reality star? Back in the day, my generation idolized people with legit talent. Oscar winners, Grammy winners (back when the award was given for true musical achievement, now it's just a popularity contest), athletes who paid their dues. Now? People idolize those who have done next to nothing and end up becoming millionaires. A friend told me about some dudes who put a video of themselves on the internet doing some stupid shit and now have a production company and show because it went viral. Yet I know several college educated, truly talented people who can't get jobs, let alone become millionaires. It's fucked up. The whole machine is fucked up. And sadly, it will likely only get worse. This is the kinda shit that makes me not want to have anymore kids. What's the point when you take a look around and see the world they will grow up in? I shudder to think what the 'look at me' culture will be like in another five years. Scary times. 

Do You Remember How It All Began, It Just Seemed Like Heaven, So Why Did It End

I love R&B music. I was obsessed with Ancient Egypt in the 90's. What do you get when you mix 90's R&B with Ancient Egypt? Michael Jackson's "Remember The Time" music video. With an Ancient Egypt theme, cameos by Iman (who's still hot and perfectly cast), Magic Johnson (who is rockin' that ancient guyliner) and Eddie Murphy (who would later go on to become, and voice, a jackass) and choreography by Fatima Robinson, "Remember The Time" is nine minutes and twenty seconds of awesomeness. The song was written and produced by Teddy Riley, adding even more 90's star power to the whole project. I used to have a VHS tape (yes, VHS tape) of all of MJ's videos up to the "Dangerous" era and I wore it out. They included everything I loved; music, actual storylines, and kick ass dance breaks. His videos were mini-movies, not just a video hastily thrown together to capitalize on the popularity of a song. I also wore out the "Dangerous" album, which is by far my favorite of his. But this song is the best one on that album. The opening notes instantly put me in a good mood every time and it's rare that I don't put in on repeat for a couple hours (at least) when I hear it.

What About Your Friends?

I have been blessed with amazing friends and family. They are there for me unconditionally and love me no matter how badly I screw up. They also call me out on my crap and help me get back on track when I've lost my way. No matter what I go through, my friends and family are always there and always supportive. They don't talk behind my back and they don't try to make me feel bad about things that are not my fault or that I have no control over. If I screw up, they set me straight but they never stop loving me. I don't always like what they have to say to me, but I know it's said with the best of intentions. And I'd rather they be honest with me than stroke my ego and let me be led astray. I used to watch 'American Idol' purely for the terrible auditions in the early rounds. It fascinated me how these people totally believed they were fantastic, Whitney-esque singers. In one episode, a girl auditioned and compared herself to the greats but proceeded to fail miserably at actually singing a note. She was a bit tone deaf, actually.  When she didn't make it to the next round, she emerged from the audition room crying and telling the cameras that her entire family and all of her friends told her she could sing amazingly well so she knew how good she was. I wanted to reach into the TV and slap her friends as they were sitting there consoling her. This chick was devoting her entire life to something she could not do and would never be able to do, yet they were joining in the delusion instead of being straight with her and telling her she couldn't sing. I highly doubt everyone she knew was also tone deaf, but no one spoke up. That's not real friendship to me. Friendship is a commitment in a lot of ways, that is if you're a good friend. Good friends are there to ride the highs but they're also there to help you through the lows. As Oprah once said, Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down". Anyone who scoffs at the notion of going from the limo to the bus isn't really a true friend. The same friend who was mentioned in the last post put up a status update today that thanked the people who have been supporting her during her difficulties, while calling out the ones who have gone ghost. I wasn't exactly surprised to read it since she told me last night that she'd reached out to someone she thought would always be there for her but had not heard back from them. I don't understand the mentality of abandoning someone in their time of need to begin with, but it's especially odd that someone would do this to her. She's a great friend and I would bet money she's been there for this person in the past. But now when the roles are reversed, she's left standing in the cold. Fortunately, she ended the FB post by putting the people who have not been there on blast, saying she was no longer going to go out of her way to keep in touch with them. And good for her. If someone can't even bother to lift a finger for a few minutes and send something supportive, then you don't need them. And nothing shows you who your friends are like the tough times.
I have no problem cutting people out of my life when the need arises. But you have to really, really do something that pisses me off beyond belief in order for me to take those steps. I don't just cut off people for the sake of it. But I don't look back once I do. Once I completely sever ties, I am done and I rarely give another thought to the person. The toughest thing about the end of my engagement wasn't the loss of the relationship, it was the loss of the friendship. We'd been friends for almost a decade and were quite close for a lot of those years. We didn't keep in touch as often for the last year of our friendship, but picked up where we'd left off when we both ended up back in the same place. Then it slowly escalated to a romantic relationship. And I thought it was fantastic, I was dating one of my best friends. The first months of our relationship were awesome because we were so close. But as she began to pull away, we started to get back to the friendly zone instead of the romantic one. I still had romantic feelings towards her but, in hindsight, I think she was trying to put me back in the friend box so it would be easier to ditch me when the time came. The trouble with that is she knew that time was coming, and I had no clue. After it ended, I tried to hold on to the friendship because I didn't understand why it was over. And because I always thought that we'd remain friends should the romance not work out, we'd even talked about that before. Even with the abrupt ending, I wanted to stay friends. But everyone in my life was telling me to sever all ties. Some knew she had been cheating, some didn't, but all agreed that the entire thing had to end. I half listened. I still kept in contact with her, but it was basic 'hey, how ya doin' kinda stuff. Once I found out why we had ended, my view changed. But not enough to cut her loose. It just pissed me off and made me want an explanation. An explanation she never gave. We still lingered, and even slept together once, after that. It was weird because she never actually said she wanted to come back, but she didn't sever ties either. I don't know if she was hoping the friendship would survive or if something else was going on. I think had she not cheated in the way she did, sleeping with a married man for  years, we may have been able to salvage something. If she'd gone out and slept with some random dude a couple times, then it wouldn't have been as awful. But I firmly believe she broke up an entire family. And it wasn't like she just stumbled into something with this guy who happened to be married and he left his wife. It was like a slow, methodical dismantling of this dude's family, over the course of years. She knew from the gate he was married, she pursued him anyway and she wasn't happy until she got him to leave his wife for her. I've dated a ton of people with a ton of different dating histories, but I want no part in being friends with someone who can so easily add the title of 'homewrecker' to her resume. It's like she had no conscience when it came to doing it. There were many times during those years that she could have walked away and refused to be the other woman, but she never did. Life is a choice and her choice was to sleep with a married man. Nearly a decade after our end, she's still with him (they've never married though) and they have a kid together. He had three kids with his wife, all of whom she rarely hangs out with because they don't like her. In the end, she showed her true colors and now it is what it is. I let go of the friendship after I got all the details of the relationship. And I've not re-opened that door since. I've run into her or her family on a few occasions, but nothing's ever come of it. And I never want anything to come of it. I'm content with it being completely over.
So what's the moral o' the story? That you gotta pick your friends carefully, I guess. Sometimes you feel like people will no doubt be there when you're in need, only to find out that they have better things to do. Sometimes you don't find out who is there for the long haul and who's not until everything comes crashing down. Some people are just hangers on, they want to get what they can from you and party right along while you're on top of the world, but they quickly make their exit when you have nothing left to give. And it sucks that there are people like that in the world. But I believe they'll get what's coming to them in the end. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh (and who laugh at your bad jokes), people you share the stupidest inside jokes with, people who expect you to be there during the bad times. Because anyone who doesn't expect your support when the going gets tough likely does not expect to lend you theirs during tough times either. Great friends do not keep score. They understand that life is a journey and that the people you love should only make it a better one. Surround yourself with people who will tell you that your singing sounds like a cat being hit by car being driven by another cat who just got hit by another car. Because anyone less just isn't worth it.

Me, I Choose To Dwell In My Disappointments

A friend of mine is going through a difficult time. She's worked at a school for years and is approaching the end of her time there, and not by choice. Every spring, she's worried about whether or not they'll bring her back in the fall and this year the decision was made not to. And the bitch of it all is that there's absolutely no reason for them to let her go. She's been a devoted employee, done what she was asked, sacrificed her own time for the students and yet it still wasn't enough. Now that the end is just about here, it's hitting her rather hard. She's attempting to drink away the depression and just wants to sleep during the day. Fortunately, her mother is going her damnedest to keep her from wallowing. But even she can only do so much. I offer as much encouragement as I can but I doubt I'm of any help. And I feel like most of what I have to say would come off as preachy anyway. That's not my intention, it's just that I've been in the same kind of emotional state that she's in now. And I feel like, for once, I'm actually qualified to dish out advice. But I also know that people have to get through things at their own pace. And hopefully her pace is a lot faster than mine. I've been in the same uber-depressed, wanna crawl under a rock and die emotional state that she's in now. The difference is that she will mourn and move past it, whereas I chose to sulk in everything that went wrong in my life. And sulk. And, oh yeah, sulk some more. I lost actual years of my life because I didn't cope well with the things that didn't work out. Instead of turning to the people I had in my life to help me through, I sought to numb everything. And I mean, everything. It started with doubling up on a couple of prescriptions that I had gotten post-accident and then snowballed into taking more and more until I couldn't feel a damn thing. I tried a few, shall we say, illegal narcotics but they either made me incredibly jumpy or put me on a high, which heightened everything else. Which was the opposite of what I was looking for. An added bonus of the pills was that I figured out how to take just enough to not feel any kind of emotion, but not make anyone suspicious about what I was doing. I seemed normal enough, just very depressed. In reality, I was so doped up that I only heard about 20% of what anybody said to me. I wanted to do nothing but take shit, drink and lay around all day. And I did a lot of that. Eventually, I replaced the laying around all day with going out and getting laid. Because drugs, drinking and meaningless sex will fix everything, right? Of course not. But I didn't care. I didn't want to fix shit, just wanted it all to go away. I was like a living, breathing D.A.R.E. advertisement. But I did get past it, eventually. The effects could have been much worse, I could have died (but what else is new, really). And that whole time of my life sort of sticks with me. I get angry with myself about it. But there's nothing I can really do now but move on. Occasionally, when things get really bad, I have the tendency to turn towards that old crutch to numb myself. But my tolerance isn't what it used to be so it affects me a lot more and I'm completely unable to hide it. But I slip up every now and then, even when I try my damnedest not to. And all of that is why I feel like saying so much to her about how NOT to cope. But then I know she's not as stupid as I was. It just sucks when someone you care about gets screwed over for no reason whatsoever and there's not a thing you can do about it. But such is life I guess.

I Got 99 Problems...Nope, Actually Autocorrect Is The Only One

Two days, two times autocorrect has made a fool of me...

Me: Why do people like macaroni? I'll never understand that
Me: I HATE that
Friend: What...you don't like macaroni?
Me: And think less of people who love it and shake their asses whenever they hear it
Friend: Oh...MACARENA
Me: LOL DAMMIT
Me: Macaroni is delicious. The Macarena makes me homicidal
Me: And apparently iPhone agrees
Friend: LOL Can you hear the heartbreak in my voice when I thought you didn't like macaroni?
Me: LMAO

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Friend: Why do people put cotton in their ears?
Me: It's supposed to help your...uh...ear tube thingys drain
Friend: lol It's for your uh hearing hole
Me: lol Don't hate just bc you can't understand my medical knowledge
Me: I just went gay animal on yo ass
Friend: WHAT THE FUCK
Me: GREY'S ANATOMY!!!
Friend: LMAO That was the greatest thing ever!
Me: LOL Fucking iPhone!!

These Be The Womensz In My Life

My mom took some leftovers from dinner last night to work for a friend. Then she texted me this:

Mom: [My friend] loved the pasta you made
Mom: She cleaned the bowl
Me: Damn. So then I guess she really liked it
Mom: Stupid phone put in bowling instead of bowl
Me: lol Welcome to autocorrect
Mom: First it suggested village. She cleaned the village.
Me: I don't think I've ever heard of anyone cleaning a village
Mom: I think the phone knows she's Mexican
Me: LOL It's smarter than we thought then
Mom: That is my fear

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This one here is about to depart for an all-girls vacation in the Dominican Republic:

Her: "Honestly, I don't even wanna take my phone."
Her: "Like, what if it gets stolen or something? I think crime is ridiculous there. And especially for white people."
Me: "Then why are you going?"
Her: "For vacation!"

If only I could properly articulate the tone she said 'for vacation' in. It was an awesome, like 'duh' kinda tone.

In A World That's Breaking, Where Nothing Is For Keeps, This Is Us, This Is Love And This Is Where I Sleep

So there's this chick I dig. She's awesome. She loves 90's music and can match me in deciphering just about every song from the era. She's witty and can dish out some smartassness with the best of them. She loves coffee. She can be adorably absentminded sometimes. She calls me on my crap. She laughs at my (bad) jokes. She appreciates my nerdiness because she's a nerd herself. She's warm. She's caring. She's disturbingly competitive and has an OOC (out of control) shopping addiction. She makes everything better. And she doesn't care. She doesn't care about my past, or my flaws (and there are many). She knows all about my demons and helps me keep them in check, but does not judge me or think less of me when they occasionally win. She reckons no one can love me the way she does. She has a beautiful heart. And hopefully she knows how much she is adored. Hopefully she knows that her laugh lights up the world. Hopefully she knows that, although it may take some of us longer to learn how to be good partners, we're still willing to try our best to get there. And hopefully she always remembers how much she is wanted, needed and appreciated.

Caveman Era

A friend and I were talking about Kate Winslet this morning. Yes, Kate Winslet. Why, you ask? Because she's pregnant. What does that have to do with us? Not a damn thing. How does this news affect the world at large? It doesn't at all. Yet, her pregnancy has become a big story. For those not in the know, she is pregnant for the third time and it will be her first child with this particular husband. She's been married twice before and has a child with each ex. And the interwebs and gossip columns are all a flutter about how scandalous it is that she has three children by three different men. One article in particular is just flat out awful to her, questioning why she can't "keep" a man and wondering if she'll eventually marry a fourth time and have yet another child with a "different surname". I'm sorry, did I wake up in the 1950's? Who the fuck cares? First of all, she was married to each dude when she had the kids and yet people still get their panties in a bunch over it. Second, is there some rule that you can only have babies with your first few spouses and then you have to be sterilized? This isn't China. The author, who is a woman, also went on to say that since the common denominator in her relationships is her, she must be the reason why they've all ended and that she should hire a "qualified relationship consultant" to pick all future partners (Wtf is that?). Plenty of people are bad at relationships (*raises hand in the one subject he's always had an A in*), but it's not like it means we should all be put out to pasture, never to date or mate again. And I certainly don't think it undermines her credibility, as the author claims. She's a performer, not a "qualified relationship expert", and she's not a poster child out there telling people she knows how to keep everything in a relationship together. She's someone who happens to be in the public eye because that's where her passion led her. At the end of the day, she has a life and a family and should have no fucks to give over what people think of how she lives it.
It may have escaped your attention, but I have a child myself, born outside of wedlock (or even coupledom, really). It's likely that either her mother or I will have more children with other partners at some point. The sick thing about that is people wouldn't think twice about me, a man, having two kids by two women but the MOMC (mother of my child) would get some kind of looks when people found out she had two children by two different men. Why is that? It's so fucked up. I mean, it's one thing if anybody goes out and knocks up eight different people or gets knocked up by eight different people because they don't know how to put on a condom. But it's completely different if a baby is brought into the world within the confines of a loving, mature relationship. Some people lead with their hearts and feel the need to have children with their spouses. Anyone who is having a kid because they genuinely want it and are committed to it for the rest of their lives is someone who will be a great parent. A friend of mine talks about how she will only have kids with the man she marries and raise them within the traditional family unit. And that's great for her, that's her decision, but things don't always work out that way for everybody. And not everybody wants that. My daughter can and will still be raised within in an amazing family, it will just be a bigger one that includes her step-parents and their families. There's no such thing as too many people who love and support a child. My father (term used loosely) had eight kids by (at least) five different women. No one batted an eye. Several male rock stars have multiple children by multiple women, but that's also just accepted as the norm. Yet an actress decides to breed with her latest husband and there goes the neighborhood. Society is so fucked up. We claim to be the most civilized, smart beings to ever grace the earth but in a lot of ways we're dumber than the monkeys we evolved from. In many ancient civilizations there were no preconceived notions about divorce or being sexually liberated, it was just accepted as the way things were. Now everything carries a stigma. And it's all so needless.

But I'm A Grown Up

A friend of mine recently found herself attracted to a younger man and it's rendered her a little loopy. For a week now, she and I both have been trying to figure out what's this dude's deal is because he puts out all kindsa signs as if he likes her too but then he goes silent when she brings it up. This is only the second younger dude she's been attracted to (I was the first, but our difference is only a few years. This dude is 25.) and it's like she's unsure of how to deal with it. However, I have had a tremendous time hearing the details. Last week she told him she liked him and then all of a sudden he stopped looking her in the face, but still went out of his way to interact with her daughter. Finally, she gets the guts to tell him she'd be curious about pursuing something and this is the way it comes out: "So.. yeah... I like you... But I'm a grown up". What she was attempting to say was that even though she likes him, she doesn't need anything to happen between them right this second. Smoove. Very smoove. He seemed to be a good sport about it though, so we'll see how it goes.

And now, more stuff from the past day...

Friend: Mom says to me this morning as she hands me my lunch she says, "Do you need a note in here telling you how much I love you and that you're my favorite?"
Me: My mom told me to get out the way this morning
Friend: LOL Move bitch, get out the way, get out the way
Me: lol Pretty much

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Upon hearing Ace Of Base's "All That She Wants"...

G: "Wow, I haven't heard this song in forever"
Me: "I used to think it was about a woman who stole babies"
Niece: Really?! Even I know what it's about 
Me: Hey! Baby napping was a serious problem in the 90's! You couldn't just buy one off the interwebs back then
Me: I bet I'm not the only one who thought that...
Bro-in-law: No, I'm sure there were a ton of other slow kids who thought the same thing 
Me: Thank you!

Mesozoic A Go-Go

Overheard at the vow renewal ceremony:

Crazy Aunt: "Mija...this is a wedding. You're not a stripper in a cage at a go-go bar. Put the twins away."
Cousin: "...How do you know there are cages in strip clubs?"
Crazy Aunt: "...You look beautiful Mija!"
Cousin: "Thought so."

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(While watching a TV show)

Cousin: "Wait, do people really do that on honeymoons?"
Me: "I don't know, I've never been on one"
(Uncle walks in)
Me: "Ask him"
Uncle: "Ask me what?"
Me: "He wants to know what honeymoons were like in the Mesozoic era"
Uncle: "How bout I kick your ass so hard that you get to see firsthand?"
Me: "We'll then I'd be able to see what you looked like with pigmentation in your hair"
Cousin: "Bazinga"

Jew Know It's True

Me: Next thing you know people will start believing in that Jesus fellow

Friend: Or the Easter Bunny

Me: Hey a magical bunny that wears gold chains and gives me money is more believable than a Jew that wants to take on my sins

Friend: LMAO Dammit, how do I even begin to argue? 

Me: lol Any argument is invalid 

Friend: Pretty damn much

Leave A Penny, Take A Wish

Why is it the most mundane things make us seem more attractive? We went to a baseball game last night, then for dinner and drinks. I don't really drink anymore and I've cut out soda completely so I wasn't sure what I was drinking when the waitress asked. My smartass baby brother chimed in and told her I'd have a Shirley Temple in a sippy cup because I don't drink and am 32 going on 5. She said not to knock 32 because she was headed in that direction in a few months. When she came back with the drinks she overheard us talking about kids and wanted to see pictures, then pulled out pics of her nieces and nephews. She continued to flirt with me all night and asked for my number before we left. Then the best friend say to her, "Oh honey, he doesn't date younger women". The reply? "Oh that's okay, I usually date black guys...but I have a feeling you're black in all the right places babe". Awe. Some. Tis rare that I blush but that did it.

In other, more PG news, my niece is spending next summer with me. Or, I'm coming back to spend next summer with her. We're not sure of the specifics yet. But it's pretty damn exciting. It's amazing how quickly they grow up. I still remember the day she was born. I freakin' adored her even before I knew her. And now she's FOURTEEN! That is crazy to think about. We went out for lunch yesterday and it occurred to me just how grown up she is. In two years, she'll be driving. In four years, she'll be graduating. I still can't even wrap my head around that. But I'm incredibly fortunate to be a part of her life.

Finally, my uncle has become borderline addicted to the coffee at a certain gas station. He decided to stop while we were out and about and the total came to three dollars and change. He had three dollars in cash but short by about seven cents on the change. Fortunately, he saw one of those 'leave a penny, take a penny' things on the counter. Unfortunately, the clerk turned around to see him digging for change and said, "Um, sir...that's for the Make A Wish Foundation". He opted to pay with his card after that.

Fun With Foreigners (And One Native)

Me: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you too
Me: No you don't. You're having fun with your Jesus friends
Friend: You're right. I don't
Me: LOL
Me: You really know how to bring a fella down
Friend: lol Sitcho ass down and back in yo place!
Me: lol Damn straight

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A close friend of mine hails from Sweden and, although he speaks English and knows American slang pretty well, he still occasionally has some issues. A few years ago he was attempting to say that he didn't think someone was from Los Angeles and was actually a 'transplant'. But he got his words mixed up and ended up saying the person was an implant. We were all in a car at the time and it was so hysterical that we had to pull over for a minute. I love that man. Not long after that incident, I met another 'implant' who has a great grasp on American lingo (she's a teacher, she kinda has to) but has the occasional slip up. In college she had a fair amount of slip ups and a friend of hers dubbed these misses "foreigner exemptions". The expression caught on and now every time a foreigner confuses their words, we dub it an exemption. But it had been awhile since the reason for the creation of the term had an exemption of her own. And it was a glorious return. Fonz bless the foreigners!

Me: I don't think I could date older than like 28 now
Me: 38 lol
Friend: lol I was gonna say
Me: lol Yeah, I don't date 28
Me: That will be my campaign slogan when I run for prez. "Vote GC, He don't date 28!"
Friend: LOL
Friend: I can't believe I'm sweating a 25 yr old - lord ha' mercy!
Me: lol My how the mighty have fallen
Me: Dude don't feel bad, years ago I was almost sweating someone younger than 25
Friend: Seriously?! But don't they seem like babies??
Me: Oh for sure.
Friend: You're lucky it's so accepted for a dude to do that yo
Me: It's accepted for ya'll now too. I helped pioneer cougarism lol
Friend: Lol Did ya now
Me: lol I did. I was like the test monkey in the lab
Friend: lol All hail the mighty monkey!
Me: LOL mighty monkey
Friend: Slap it slap it good
Friend: lol Sorry I have NO idea what that was, I just snorted as I read it too lol
Me: LOL I was like um...I don't know what we're talking about now
Friend: Oh puhleez! You the king o' the gutter you so got it! lol
Me: All hail king gutter monkey!
Friend: LOL
Friend: Is it an expression? Slap that monkey? No?
Me: I think you mean spank the monkey
Friend: LOL
Friend: Yes!! That's what I meant. God I am so off my game!!
Me: lol And I believe that is what they call a 'foreigner exemption'
Friend: lol Indeed