Saturday, November 30, 2013

Foreign Wisdom

Cousin: I don't know...I'm just all dejected now
Me: I know. But it'll get better.
Cousin: I guess
Me: *sigh* A'ight. I see I'ma have to bring out the big guns...
Me: Now, in your life there will be heartache and pain. And sometimes you don't know if you can face it all again. But you can't stop now because you've traveled so far. To change your lonely life. Liiiife
Cousin: LOL! Dude I sooooo needed that. You're fucking ridiculous and I love you for it
Me: lol Don't thank me. Thank Foreigner for making us all want to know what love is
Cousin: lol The fact that you added the "liiiiife" at the end made it that much better
Me: lol I does what I can

======

[Three hours later]

Best Friend: My life sucks. Make me feel better.
Me: It doesn't suck. Lemme tell you something...
Best Friend: *Braces for your eternal wisdom and light*
Me: I know that in your life there has been heartache and pain. And you don't know if you can face it again. But you can't stop now. Why? Because you've traveled too far. In the quest to change this lonely life. And you also can't give up because...I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IIIISSSS. I WANT YOU TO SHOW MEEEEEEE.
Best Friend: LMAO. You bastard, you gave that speech to [cousin] already!
Me: Did it not make you feel better?
Best Friend: ...Maybe
Me: I rest my case
Best Friend: However, there's nothing worse than recycle advice. Especially advice that isn't even a day old lol
Me: Yes there is.
Best Friend: *Braces for your eternal wisdom and light*
Me: I could've copy/pasted my advice like you just did your smartass wisdom comment
Best Friend: LOL. You knew I was gonna copy/paste too, didn't you?
Me: lol Yep. You don't spend 32 years with someone and not learn what a lazy ass they are
Best Friend: lol So true. And so incredibly mutual.
Me: You even got a chorus. I don't hand out choruses to just anybody
Best Friend: Which is ironic since you hand out everything else to just anybody
Me: SNAP!

My Big Gay Thanksgiving (And My Big Non-Gay Remission)

If you've caught a glimpse of the Twitter in the little box to the right of the blog, then you're aware of two things: My family is crazy and I'm now in remission. Let's talk about the family first. Yesterday was a weird day (and not just because we ate at a decent hour). It was a fantastic day but I will never understand some of the decisions my kin make. First of all, Crazy Aunt brought two youngins to dinner. These turned out to be the kids of her latest "friend" He had to work so she invited them to spend the day with us. And, oh by the way, she thought the daughter would be "perfect" for me. She believed this because the girl likes hockey. Yep. That's all she based it on. Turns out, it was her brother who took an interest in me. And my DC cousin took an interest in him. Yeah...So she's all up on him and trying to flirt and as soon as she gets up to go help with something, he makes his way to my side of the room and starts asking all kindsa questions. I figured out what was up pretty quick so I shut him down and said I was straight. His response? "How straight though?". Good lord. Re-enter my cousin who takes a seat next to him and starts flirting again. I got up and went into the kitchen where I informed Crazy Aunt, the best friend and everyone else in the room that the dude was hitting on me. My mom found it amusing, Crazy Aunt asked if I was "interested in that" and the best friend lamented that of course he was gay since all of the females thought he was "super hot". (When I told Crazy Aunt that I was not "interested in that", she said, "Well, I never know these days mijo. And you are a whore so...". God, I love that woman). The best friend took it upon herself to tell DC cousin that the guy was gay and to "stop making a damn fool" of herself. And this should've been the end of the story. But it's Thanksgiving at OUR house so things never end where/how/when they're supposed to. This dude ended up crossing paths with my gay cousin (brother of DC cousin, ironically), who reluctantly brought his on-off boyfriend to the festivities. And gay cousin and gay dude ended up hooking up by night's end (after which gay dude AGAIN propositioned me and asked how much liquor it would take for me to go home with him. Really? You're gonna hit on me AFTER you've hit (or been hit by) my cousin?). My advice was solicited after the hook up and all I could tell the cousin was that he had to stop dating the boy toy. This is his umpteenth slip up in the past few months that they've been back together. And it's a conversation we've had before. I feel bad for his boyfriend because I was the one who introduced them and he's a genuinely nice guy who is totally enamored with the cousin. But they just can't seem to get it together. I hope it works out but I don't know.
Prior to all of the Turkey Day gayness, there was the news that I appear to be in remission. The doc wasn't sure at first, my levels changed rather quickly after my last transfusion, but another test confirmed it - I'm is in remission. And it is fantastic news. It's not something I thought would ever happen. I think I'm still processing it actually. This means no more transfusions, no more experimental IV's, no more weekly blood draws and no more high dose meds. It also means no surgery to have my spleen removed, something that was going to happen in February. I'm beyond thrilled about that. I can take the poking and prodding of transfusions and I can even handle the emotional rollercoaster of 100 mg of prednisone, but spleen removal was not someting I was happy about. I'll still have to take meds everyday, likely for the rest of my life, but they'll start weaning me down to a lower dose next month. The hope is that my levels will stay normal-ish on 10 mg a day and that I'll be down to that dose by the end of January. I also hope that my emotions go back to being normal. I know some of the...shall we say erratic-ness of my moods is because there is so much medication coursing through my system all the time. I will not miss that. I'm kinda excited though. This is a new chapter and, hopefully, a very good one.

Friday, November 29, 2013

The Amazing Anger Man

Me: Is the Spider-Man movie any good?
Brother: There are like ten different movies, which one are you talking about? 
Me: The one where the dude is in the spider suit
Brother: ...They're ALL about the dude in the spider suit. Specifics please.
Me: The suit is red and blue in this one and the guy just got bitten by a spider
Brother: DUDE. ALL of the movies are about that!!
Me: Wait. This one has a character named Peter Parker.
Brother: OMFGGGGGG. Everything you are telling me is IN ALL OF THE MOVIES!!!!
Me: There's also a girl, if that helps
Brother: No Giuseppe. It doesn't help. NOTHING you are telling me is helpful. What are you seeing RIGHT NOW??
Me: The suit has spiderwebs on it. Kinda nifty.
Brother: ...Who is in it?
Me: Um...the guy who is Spider-Man (he plays two roles I think), and the girl. And I just saw a black guy.
Brother: I don't know which one it is. Ask [cousin].
Me: He's not here
Brother: Why the fuck are you even watching it anyway? You don't like Spider-Man. 
Me: Other people wanted to watch it and I figured why not.
Brother: Ah
Me: Oh and one more thing. 
Brother: ?
Me: It's "The Amazing Spider-Man" with Andrew Garfield from 2012.
Brother: I hate you. 
Me: LOL Then my work here is done.
Brother: lol Jackass. I knew you couldn't be that stupid...but then you have been drinking and we know that amplifies your stupid. 
Me: lol Yes. Yes it does. Oh and one more thing.
Brother: [braces] lol what?
Me: I didn't really see a black guy in the movie. 
Brother: LMAO. There's no black man but there is an Indian. 
Me: Score for [best friend]. Nothing beats a Thanksgiving movie with a token Indian

Stay The Night But Keep It Under Cover

I've posted this song before but it's stuck in my head now after last weekend's SNL skit and after I sang it with some random chick at slightly durnken pre-Thanksgiving karaoke. Good times.


Thursday, November 28, 2013

Bring It On Down To Turkeyville

Tis the season for my family to have their traditional Thanksgiving meal. Or, as it's come to be known round these parts, our traditional Thanksgiving drama. I don't know why it's that way for us. Maybe because this is the first time during the year when everybody is home at the same time. Whatever the reason, Thanksgiving has taught us all to appreciate the little things. Such as, sitting down to eat before 8PM. Or not having to go to the ER with a family member who fell off the roof whilst putting up Christmas lights (also resulting in an 8PM dinnertime). Or not sitting down to eat in awkwardness after your cousin comes out as a homosexual. Yes, all of these things have actually happened. We've all learned that if anything major is going to happen in this family, it will happen between the last Wednesday in November and the first day of the new year. And this year is full of all kindsa potential for disaster; Crazy Aunt is bringing some random people to dinner that no one has ever heard of. My gay cousin is bringing his on again-off again-on again-off again-on again boyfriend, whom he invited to come to dinner back in October before meeting someone else he considered inviting. My sister's boy toy is on the hot seat about putting a ring on it (again and for real this time). Another aunt is determined to hammer out an agreement in which one of her four children provides her with a grandchild by this time next year (her kids include the gay cousin and the DC cousin who wants to freeze her eggs). My mom is determined to hammer out an agreement in which I agree to take a wife by this time next year (I've already heard the mom sigh followed by, "I just don't know why you won't do this for me" half a dozen times). And, of course, something could always go wrong with the meal. Fun times, indeed.

Some highlights from the trip thus far:

Me: My aunt made cream cheese crunch muffins. Hot. Dayum.
Me: Crazy Aunt said they were "bomb" and my uncle looked at her like, "No...just no"
Friend: lol Are they sweet?
Me: Yeah but not overly sweet. The muffin part is not too sweet and then they have cream cheese in the center and crunch topping with pecans and brown sugar.
Friend: Ooooooh
Me: She made them for Thanksgiving morning so everyone has something to snack on. She doesn't know we're eating them now lol
Friend: LOL. Eat them all and then get everyone to convince her she never made any
Me: lol That's the plan

======

Crazy Aunt: Huh. Someone just called from a blocked number and they asked me if I was a 'master baster'...I don't know what that is but I said 'yes'.

======

Cousin: Ya'll are so lucky you already procreated. At this rate, mom is gonna arrange a marriage for me just to get a grandkid.
Me: Dude, I procreated and my mom is still on me about getting hitched. There will always be something you're not doing correctly in your mother's eyes. Deal with it.
Cousin 2: WORD. Mine told me I wasn't stirring properly while helping her cook. Like what the fuck is proper stirring?
Me: I don't know but $20 says even if you were doing it, she'd find something else wrong with you
Cousin 2: Yes. Yes she would. 
Cousin: I think your mom is by far the sanest of the family.
Me: Are you kidding? The other day in the car she scolded me resembling the grandparents and not her. I didn't even have control over that. Can't win yo.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Character Assassination 101

Some of the fam and I went out last night and ended up shutting down a bar. But we weren't alone in our travels. We ran into a bachelorette party, clearly buzzed, and had some hilarious conversations. Like this one:

Bride-to-be: Oh my god, I'm soooo nervous about the wedding. It's on Saturday.
Cousin: I got married on a whim so I can't really give any advice.
Bridesmaid: How long have you been married?
Cousin: 10 years
Bridal party: AWWWW!! OH MY GOD!! THAT'S AWESOME!!
Me: Uh...you've been married 11 years
Cousin: ...Right. 11 years.
Me: Guess the years all run together in a life sentence huh
Cousin: Pretty much
Bride-to-be: Someone has to have advice!
Me: Just don't over think it, enjoy the day and remember that it's just one day and not everything has to be perfect.
Bridesmaid: Awww that's great advice. Are you married?

[Everyone at my side of the table lets out a collective "HA", some choke on their beverages (myself included)]

Me: Nooooo. And I don't intend to be
Bride-to-be: Dude, you remember dates and you just dished out awesome advice. Marry someone.
Best Friend: He could but...that would mean the end of days was around the bend and I'm just not comfortable with that
Cousin: You know those people who are great in one area of life but TERRIBLE in another? That's him.
G: We call him manwhore.
Cousin 2: I mean, he's had more relationships than most people three times his age...and sometimes with people three times his age
Sister: Some of them two at a time...
Bridesmaid: [to me] This is going to sound bad...but I think we might be soul mates. I hope you don't think I'm a whore.
Cousin: Well, he's never met a bridesmaid he didn't like. For a couple drunken hours, anyway.
Me: Like none of ya'll have ever hooked up at a wedding or bachelorette party

[Everyone at the table lets out a collective, "Duh"]

Me: I rest my case.
Bride-to-be: Well damn. Now that we're talking about casual sex and hook ups, I kind of have doubts about getting married.
Bridesmaid: Girl, you can come to our wedding next Thanksgiving [winks at me]

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Spends Quality Time With His Kids...When He Can

This song has so many versions that I'm not even sure the one posted below was the one I like. The version on the music channels on TV plays a version that really downplays En Vogue's part in the song. Almost as if someone thought, "Meh, no one really cared for them on this song so let's just turn down the volume on the choruses". The radio version cuts and pastes so much that the song ends up not being all that good. And yesterday Pandora played a version I'd never heard before that faded out and in about six times. I like the video version so that's what I'm going with here. I remember the epicness of this song when it came out and even back then certain lines cracked me up. She acknowledges that men are hos but she's accepting of it because he does it on the down low. She also acknowledges that ain't nobody perfect yet this dude who cheats deserves props for...somethin'. Meanwhile, Pepa, always my favorite of the trio, thinks her man be all that because he buys her (what I'm sure are 'spensive) gifts all the time. But without question my favorite is, "Spends quality time with his kids when he can". It's like it glorifies the dude's occasional visits to his kids with that other chick who birthed them. But then, it was the 90's and a dude spending quality time with his kids when he could was, sadly, not as prevalent as it should've been. Here's to spending as little time as possible with my kids this weekend!




Friday, November 22, 2013

11/22/1963

A friend and I have been geeking out this past week over the JFK assassination. We're both watching and reading whatever we can on it. My cousin is an American History buff and happens to be in town this week. So how did we spend our first Saturday together in eons? Binge watching Reelz mini-series "The Kennedys", of course. I remember hearing about this show hen it was in production and turning my nose up at Katie Holmes playing Jackie Kennedy, and that's what prevented me from watching it then (she was still Tom Cruise's prisoner at the time). Her performance was meh. I go in with low expectations when she's in something anyway so she was about what I thought she'd be. The series overall was decent, if unfamiliar with what actually happened sometimes. The real Kennedys pitched a fit when this came out but I'm not sure why, unless they weren't pleased with the creative license the writers took. And there was plenty of that. Like so many things though, the series fumbled it when it came down to the wire. It was only eight episodes but the last two were...not great. Most of the series dealt with JFK's presidency and seemed as though it was written to build towards his assassination. In a perfect world, they would have made the assassination the finale and dedicated the last two hours to it. But instead they made the second to last episode about JFK's assassination and the finale about RFK's jaunt to the Senate and eventual assassination. While I understand that the show wanted to focus on the entire Kennedy family and not just JFK and Jackie, I don't get the pacing and decision to jump subject so much. At the end of the day, I am a film junkie and so I tend to view things not just from the history buff perspective or the fan perspective, but I also run through how I (or another filmmaker) would have done things. Obviously I'm not Spielberg or anything but there are some basic rules to making movies that seem to be increasingly cast aside in favor of more (often worse) content. This is where "The Kennedys" failed. Some examples and/or gripes;

1. Joseph Kennedy was the patriarch of the bunch and the one who wanted his oldest son, Joe Jr., to make it to the White House. Papa Joe was in politics, had money to burn and had no qualms about blowing it all to insure his boys would get what he felt they all deserved (where his sense of entitlement came from, I have no idea). He and his wife, Rose, had seven children, four of whom would be cut down in their primes by untimely deaths. Joe was the first to die when his plane was shot down in the war, thus pinning all of daddy's political hopes on a very reluctant Jack. The problem with all of this in the movie is that we only ever meet the four Kennedy kids who die; Joe, Jack, Bobby and Rosemary, who was mentally ill and subjected to a botched lobotomy by her father. We never meet the other three, even though the first two episodes focus on the younger years of the kids. I guess the ones who didn't die/change the world weren't important enough to make appearances. Anybody unfamiliar with the Kennedy story would've thought they only had four kids, all of whom died.

2. Rather than follow the family through important moments from just prior to Joe's death, which is where the movie began, the writers instead chose to jump from era to era. It wasn't painting a picture and putting emphasis on things that would make more sense later in the film, it was having some major development happen down the road and then flashing back to why that was a major development for the person. This is assuming your viewers are dense or have terrible memories and wouldn't be able to connect the dots themselves.

3. The pacing was so erratic. Like VERY erratic. We jump to the 60's when JFK was in office, then we jump back to the 50's when he met Jackie and they married, then we jump on over to Joe Sr. and his live-in mistress (who was one of many affairs he had). If you pick a time period to tell a story about then you should tell that story in the order that it happened. The occasional flashback is fine but a film full of them is annoying. Can you imagine if James Cameron jumped from the sinking of the Titanic mid-scene and flashed back to the ship being knocked together in Belfast?

4. The acting was meh. Greg Kinnear played JFK and did a decent job, he even looked like him in certain scenes (from the side, anyway). Tom Wilkinson played the Kennedy patriarch and was great, as was the woman who played Mrs. Kennedy. Katie Holmes was her usual self, not great but not unwatchable. The Bawston accents they all had to put on seemed to come and go, most notably from Holmes. Sometimes she sounded like she was from Boston, sometimes from England. Given how annoying Bostonian accents are, I would've thought they would be easy to imitate (the worst accents always are).

5. The second to last episode was chock full of soooo much melodrama that I thought I was watching a soap. It was the JFK assassination episode yet it inexplicably only spent about ten minutes on the subject. The rest was full of ominous "I've never been so happy" moments between JFK and Jackie and, "this is a new beginning" moments between Bobby and Ethel. Granted, it was said that JFK and the Mrs. marriage had never been better than it was in the months leading up to his death, but I felt it was unnecessary to show her gushing about how happy she was an hour before he died. Could it have happened? Of course. But it was a bad time to take creative license and turn an already tragic event into something even worse. Also, I don't get the build up to the assassination when they spent only a few minutes on it. When I say it was ten minutes, I mean it was ten minutes from motorcade to gunshot to JFK being put in the ground. It was almost treated as an afterthought even though it was one of the biggest events in history. And this episode led to...

6. ...The finale. *sigh* Talk about an unnecessary episode of television. It picked up with Bobby deciding he had to be President now that Jack was dead. He ran for a Senate seat out of New York and won, paving the way for his campaign for the White House. Of course, he was assassinated while in the midst of that campaign, leaving behind his wife and ten kids. The pacing of this ep was also terrible, almost as if the writers lost their direction when it came to where to take the story next. They wanted to showcase the tragedy that existed within the family and follow Bobby's story to its conclusion but they could've gone about it in a much better way. Not that his death was any less tragic or important, but Bobby's assassination should've spanned ten minutes and JFK's should've gotten a lot more time. JFK was a President, and a popular one at that, RFK was a former Attorney General running for President.

7. Being a history buff, I'm a stickler for details when it comes to historical films. I will annoy the hell out of you with my corrections while watching things like this. However, I'm not as well versed in the Kennedy story as others. My mom grew up in that age so she knows all kinds of facts and after I told her about the series, she corrected a number of things that weren't all the way true. The last episode made it seem as if Bobby was falling for Jackie and was devastated when she decided to marry Aristotle Onassis. In reality, the marriage was pretty much arranged by Bobby so the kids and Jackie could be taken care of and kept out of the spotlight as much as possible. Also, the film showed Joe Kennedy as having a single, long-term mistress when he actually had several throughout the course of his marriage. I knew a couple of things weren't fact whilst watching the movie though. JFK had many affairs yet they showed just a few of them, and depicted only the aftermath of the affair with Marilyn Monroe. They made it seem as if Jackie left him after one affair when in reality she left him because he couldn't NOT have the affairs. The writers were also quite "creative" when it came to portraying Bobby in the aftermath of his brother's assassination. It's common knowledge that he was one of the driving forces in getting his brother out of dodge ASAP and having the autopsy performed in Washington instead. But the writers showed him as being a bystander in everything and questioning the facts behind Oswald's death. At that time, with Jack dead and Joe a prisoner in his own body due to a stroke years earlier, Bobby was essentially the head of the family. Nothing that happened in the aftermath of JFK's assassination was out of RFK's hands.

8. This one isn't really about the movie but about the Kennedy clan in general and it's just one word - AFFAIRS. I mean, wow. The sense of entitlement amongst the Kennedy men in their personal lives was just insane. Children learn what they live and Joe made no secret of his many affairs so it's not surprising that his sons would grow up to be the exact same way in that area of their lives. One scene depicts Joe telling Jack on his wedding day, "Wives don't expect fidelity, but they don't want infidelity thrown in their faces". The point being to do whoever you're going to do but keep it on the hush. Whether that convo happened or not, who knows. But it goes right in line with who Joe seemed to be. And the way women put up with it back then was ridiculous too. After Jackie leaves her husband during the Cuban missile crisis, Ethel tracks her down and essentially tells her she should go back to him because he's "going through enough" (and she does go back). It was just a different time, I guess.

I'm not sorry I spent 6-ish hours of my life watching "The Kennedys". It was decent entertainment. But, proving fact is more enthralling than fiction, I found myself more drawn in by Reelz more recent Kennedy venture, "JFK: The Smoking Gun". This one was a documentary about an upcoming book (and based in part on a previous book that didn't really make waves) that puts forth a theory about who really fired the fatal shot that killed JFK. The official story is that Lee Harvey Oswald, for reasons that vary depending upon who you talk to, went up to the sixth floor of the Texas Schoolbook Depository building on November 22, 1963 and fired three shots into the Kennedy motorcade, severely wounding Texas Governor John Connally and killing President John F. Kennedy. Two days later, while being transferred to another facility, Oswald himself was shot and killed by a strip club owner named Jack Ruby. Ruby claimed he shot Oswald because he was fond of the Kennedy family and did not want Jackie to have to return to Texas for the trial. Everything about the Kennedy assassination is shrouded in mystery of one kind or another, much of it brought on by the government's own idiocy when it came to handling the tragedy. "The Smoking Gun" tries to separate myth from fact and get to the bottom of how many shooters there were and whether Oswald actually fired the fatal shot.
Although I am new to information about the Kennedy clan in life, I've read half a dozen books about the aftermath of the shooting of JFK and his autopsy. I'm fascinated by medical examiners in general and the part they play in solving crimes. And some of the most experienced M.E.'s in history have taken a crack at making sense of the Kennedy autopsy. So many things were done incorrectly that day in Dallas. Why didn't the car Kennedy was in speed up the moment they heard shots fired? Why was the Secret Service so obsessed with staying with the body at all times and forcing their way out of the hospital with it so the autopsy could be performed in Washington? Their job is to protect the President but that job was essentially over once he was dead. The laws at the time made no special exception for murder, even if the victim was the leader of the free world. At the end of the day, it was a murder and, at that time, it was a state offense which meant the local M.E. should've done the autopsy. Obviously, the SS wanted to get Jackie out of there in case there was more violence to come, I imagine the mood was similar to what we all felt on 9/11; not knowing what would happen next or if it was over. But, at most, the autopsy would've taken three hours to complete and then the M.E. likely would've released the body. It's not like it was going to be complicated to determine how he had died. What was wrong with allowing that to happen and then taking him home and preparing him for burial? The fact that they threatened the local doctors and physically moved them out of the way in order to get the body out of there speaks volumes about a cover-up. The Kennedys being in politics, and especially with Bobby being the AG at the time, were familiar with the laws of the country. Some have suggested that everything that happened was what the family wanted but what they wanted shouldn't have trumped what the law says has to happen. And none of them should've been making important decisions at that time anyway since they were in mourning. No one makes clearheaded decisions while in mourning, especially if you just watched your husband die and have pieces of him staining your clothing.
At best, the SS did what the family wanted, damn the consequences, and acted out of protectiveness. Supposedly Kennedy's SS detail was very close to him. At worst, they knew something was amiss and wanted their people to do the autopsy so that they could make the results fit the story they wanted to tell. Even with the little I knew about the assassination in the past, I've never bought into the official theory. A few things that don't make sense can be chalked up to coincidence but any more than that and you're looking at a cover-up and possibly a conspiracy. Having seen a handful of ballistics tests involving the "magic bullet" theory, I do believe it is possible that the same bullet could've struck two men. But I don't believe it was the bullet that was recovered at the hospital. Supposedly, this one bullet hit Kennedy in the right side of the back, exited his throat, hit Connally in the back, shattered his rib, shattered his wrist and lodged in his leg, severing a nerve. I don't get how a bullet enters someone's right back and exits smack dab in the middle of the throat, but okay. I also don't think any bullet, regardless of what it is made of, would show no blood, tissue or damage after doing so much damage. The bullet has a minor dent on the end but that's it. And it showed no signs of blood or tissue after it was curiously found on a gurney that Connally had been on at the hospital. Why is that curious? Because it was found on that gurney after Connally had been moved from it and the sheets had been changed. It was also curious that it was found outside of his body since it had supposedly lodged in his leg. The official story is that it "fell out" while he was on the gurney but bullets don't just fall out unless there is a gaping hole of some sort, and Connally did not have one of those.
The only film of the shooting was taken by Abraham Zapruder and was confiscated almost immediately upon the FBI finding out about it, but was made public about a decade later. It's readily available on YouTube and it's as graphic as it is confusing. Video cameras were relatively new technology back then so it's grainy and taken at a much lower rate than we're used to. It's also brief and it's crazy to think of how quickly everything can change. In a span of about seven seconds, the President goes from waving and smiling at the public to being gone. There's so much to take in during those seven seconds though. His reaction, Connally's reaction, the timing of their reactions. Supposedly, JFK was hit by the second bullet that Oswald fired, the same one that also struck Connally, but I don't think that was the first hit he took. In the video, you can see JFK grab up around his chest and neck area and Jackie leans in and moves his hand over those areas to check why he's in such discomfort. The SS agent who drove the car testified that he heard the President say he'd been hit, something he couldn't have done after being struck by the second bullet since it severed his windpipe. it seems more likely that the first bullet hit the pavement outside the car and ricocheted into him, or that he was hit by some kind of shrapnel. Jackie seems alarmed in the video, as you would be if someone you loved was hurt in some way, but she doesn't seem to be in "OMG" mode like you'd be if that person was gushing blood from their throat. Milliseconds after she starts examining him, the kill shot happens and everybody knows what went on from there. The video is interesting but it's so grainy and is shot at such a low rate that it's impossible to tell the exact sequence of events, and thus the battle of conspiracy or not has raged for fifty years now. And it will no doubt continue to rage for a long, long time to come because we don't have all the evidence and the investigation and autopsy were both botched. We're left with a ton of questions and many interpretations but no real conclusions or concrete evidence, other than the fact that JFK died.
Like everyone else, I have more questions than anything else. Was Oswald just crazy or was he hired? Why did a strip club owner suddenly catch a conscience and shoot Oswald, if not to shut him up? If it was a cover-up then why did no one kill Ruby to silence him (he died in prison two years later of natural causes)? Which bullet actually struck JFK first and were there only three shots? With such a botched autopsy, it's very possible that they missed (or deliberately overlooked) other wounds. Which description of JFK's injuries was accurate? The staff at Parkland Memorial Hospital that worked on him claimed that his injuries were gruesome and that the right side of his head was missing, leaving the remaining brain matter hanging out. The official report, autopsy photos and autopsy report show that his head was intact but seemingly had the right side of the scalp pulled back. If you see the video, you see that his head was literally blown off so I have no doubt that the photos and report were tampered with in some manner (adding to that theory is that the hair on the top of his head is much shorter than his hair actually was at the time). His wife was actually holding pieces of his skull and brain in her hands, there's no way his head would be as intact as it was stated to be in the autopsy. I'm inclined to believe the hospital staff about the head wound, it had to be gaping. I also don't understand why Oswald waited as long as he did to shoot. The motorcade was halfway down the road when shots rang out. Oswald was by no means an expert marksman, he failed that particular test once in the Army and when he did finally pass it he just barely passed it. If you're going to shoot someone, wouldn't you shoot them as soon as they came into view? Especially if you're going to try and get more than one shot off and you're not the best of shooters to begin with. Could he have even gotten three shots off in those few seconds? Some say yes, some say no. It seems to depend on which "expert" is doing the test. If it was a conspiracy, then what was the motive? Well, there's no shortage of people who want to kill you when you're President. But I find the theory that every crime organization and our own government joined forces to kill him. That's an awful lot of people charged with keeping a mighty big secret. And if it involved the government intentionally killing him, I have to think they'd have done a better job of covering it up. They're good at keeping secrets.
With all of the theories out there, some legit and some crazy, "The Smoking Gun" doc put forth this theory: That Oswald began shooting and got off only two shots before a third shot came from elsewhere and finished the job for him, albeit unintentionally. Where did the kill shot come from? The Secret Service. This is not a new theory but it hasn't been fully investigated until now. One of the SS agents was a newbie named George Hicky, only on the job about four months, and his primary job within the service was to keep tabs on the Presidential cars. He was riding in the car immediately behind the Presidents', along with a number of other agents. All of the agents were of course armed, but on this particular trip they had a new toy - a semi-automatic rifle that was on the floor in that second car. At least one SS agent claimed the gun was cocked and loaded and that all anyone had to do was switch off the safety and start shooting, should the need arise. All SS agents were required to submit written statements about their actions that day and Hicky's statement claimed that he picked up the gun, cocked and loaded it but did not fire or turn off the safety. At least 11 witnesses, 7 of them SS agents, claim to have seen Hicky holding the gun after the shots rang out. There is also a photo showing him (or someone, we can't see the face of the person) holding the gun at that time. But when he picked up the gun is in dispute. He claims he picked it up after the third shot rang out and the motorcade began racing to the hospital. Many others claim he had it at the time the third shot was fired and that he appeared to be looking back towards the depository when the car he was in suddenly jerked forward and he fell back into his seat. Hicky didn't deny any of that happened - except that he had the gun before the third shot. "The Smoking Gun" doc theory is that he picked up the gun after the second shot in an attempt to find the perpetrator and possibly return fire. He stood up in the back of the car, rifle in hand, and as he was surveying the buildings for the shooter, the car sped up to begin heading to the hospital. As the car jerked forward, Hicky fell backwards and accidentally pull the trigger, hitting Kennedy in the head and killing him. He had either already taken the safety off as he grabbed the gun, or it was switched off in the chaos. If that's what actually happened, it's unbelievably tragic for all involved. Can you imagine being in charge of protecting the President and then accidentally killing him? That's horrific. And, unlike a lot of other half-assed theories, this one has some traction.
The book alleging this SS agent theory was first published while Hicky was alive and the author sent him several letters prior to its publishing, asking if he would speak to them about it and giving him a sort of head up. He never responded, even after it was published. Nearly THREE YEARS after its publication, he sued the publishing company and authors claiming that it was all untrue. Why would you wait three years to dispute something like that? If someone accuses me of stealing a sandwich from Whole Foods, I'd pitch a fit and emphatically deny it (unless I stole it, of course), but someone says this dude shot the President and he's unaffected by the allegation? It almost seemed as if someone finally filed it for him and he was still 'meh' about the whole thing. Maybe because he wasn't sure himself if it was true or not. He never spoke publicly about the assassination and he was never called to testify at any of the formal inquiries about it (although they are thought to be part of a cover-up anyway). Further adding to the speculation, that particular rifle was removed from SS use immediately following the assassination. Given that they had just gotten it and, according to them, it hadn't even been used (or misused), why would you stop using it so suddenly? A number of people at ground level, including some government officials in the motorcade, said they smelled gun power after the third shot. You don't smell gun powder unless you're VERY close to where a gun was fired. Oswald was in the sixth floor of a building that was downwind of the motorcade, meaning there's no way the scent of gun powder from his weapon could've reached street level. If it wasn't his gun, and it's unlikely it was, then who else on the ground could've fired? The most compelling part of this theory for me is the ballistics evidence. The bullets Oswald used were so obscure that the FBI had to track some down in order to test them and they weren't designed to explode upon impact. Instead, they were designed to produce clean, through and through wounds so that the wounded had time to get medical attention and survive. The bullet that allegedly hit both JFK and Connally was this type of bullet. The bullet that killed Kennedy could not have been. The injury to his head was massive, his brains were literally blown out and all around the car, his wife and the streets of Dallas. Bullets meant to go through you don't stop and blow your head up in such a manner. That last shot almost had to have been fired from another weapon. Also, if Oswald had fired that shot, it would have exited through the left side of Kennedy's forehead or face because of the angle from which it was coming from. But only the right side of his head had bullet wounds. Of course, we can't say anything definitively. But this is one of the better theories I've heard. It has concrete, scientific and evidentiary based conclusions that make sense and add up, rather than a theory that kinda fits but has holes, as most others are. It also explains why the SS was so aggressive and anxious to have the autopsy done by unqualified government officials. They were well trained, they knew what weapons did what kind of damage and they saw what kind of damage was done to JFK and what was done to Connally. Something did not add up. If they even suspected one of theirs had something to do with it, then they would've circled the wagons to protect themselves and the government. The agents in the car with Hicky would have known whether or not he fired, they may have even seen it. Oswald must not have been able to believe his luck when someone else finished the job for him. If this is what happened, I feel tremendously for the Kennedy family and George Hicky. It has to be awful to live with something like that. Fate can be a bitch sometimes.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Homeward Bound

This is how excited Miss N is about going home to see the family for Thanksgiving:


Aaaaaaaand this is how excited the adults in the caravan are:


It's been a loooooong year, yo.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Blind With Fiery Rage!

Me: I bought Miss N a harmonica
W: I can't play that for shit
Me: My mom got me one as a kid on the condition that I turn in my kazoo so's she could break it lol
W: lol Ah yes the almighty kazooooo
Me: Miss N wants to learn to play the piano
Me: I was so excited to hear that, I almost knocked her over in attempt to hug her
W: LOL classic
W: Buy me a harmonica
Me: lol You just said you can't play. And I value my lady Mama B too much to subject her to that
W: MAMA B AIN'T YO LADY AND YOU WILL NEVER BE MY STEP DADDY!!!!
Me: LOL I can feel the fear as you flip the table and come at me like a rabid, angry monkey
W: lol You have no idea
W: I almost spontaneously combusted from the rage

Friday, November 15, 2013

Make Mine A Double

I dropped the ball last week and forgot to post a song on Friday so we'll make this one a twofer. And the two songs couldn't be more different.

Lost All Composure When I Laid My Eyes On You

Yes, I am still on a TLC kick. That was a damn good movie. It's had me listening to their entire discography for weeks now and realizing just how awesome it all was. It really is a shame that it ended when it did. I think  the brilliance of the "CrazySexyCool" album gets lost in the shuffle sometimes. Don't get me wrong, "FanMail" was also amazing and remains one of my favorite albums of all time. But CSC was pretty decent too. I can't listen to it beginning to end the way that I do the FM album, but it still has some standout tracks and this is one of my favorites.



Touch Me But Don't Take Me Down

This is my second favorite song of all time (the first being "Imagine"). I could ramble about how great it is, about how the mood of the song just grabs you. But then we'd be here for a long ass time. So just enjoy.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Make Bondage, Not War

Cousin: I just think it might be a good chance for you to bond with him, maybe make peace
Me: Meh
Cousin: What do you have against bondage?
Cousin: *Bonding lol
Me: LOL. Not a thing but I'd prefer not to practice it with family
Me: Also, why does your phone autocorrect "bonding" to "bondage"?
Cousin: LOL. I gotta go.
Me: lol Uh huh

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G: Morning Giuseppe. Heard on the news that someone got mauled by a cougar. Was it you?
Me: LMAO. Fuck you
G: LMAO So worth it. SO SO worth it.

Monday, November 11, 2013

And Now It's Time For A (Mental) Breakdown

I talked to a friend I hadn't spoken to for a few days last night. It got outta hand rather quickly but that's okay cuz we both needed the laughs. They just returned from a camping excursion. Oh and I've acquired a new nickname: Jesus Gibb...don't ask...












Friday, November 8, 2013

Every Ball Needs A Chain

So...my sister and her longtime love were supposed to get hitched on their 15th anniversary, which was this year. But they both chickened out months before it was to become official. I wasn't surprised since they've done this dance before. But the kids, 14, 11 and 6, are starting to ask, "why not?". And they have no good answer. I mean, he does. His parents were the type who never should've been married in the first place, stayed together for the kids and then had a hellish divorce/custody battle that scarred all three of their kids for life. None have been married, and the other two have had commitment issues (and all are now in their 30's). That's why her boy toy doesn't want to tie the knot. But the sister really has no legit reservations about it. She accepted his proposal eons ago but turned down his "lets elope" idea awhile back because she wasn't convinced he wouldn't freak out at the altar. She thinks he's ready for the plunge now though. And I kinda think he is too. He's talked more about it lately and less about his neuroses. My sister, in her infinite wisdom, asked me to talk to him about the subject and go on a fishing expedition of sorts. Me. The king of the anti-marriage movement. The sworn enemy of marital bliss. Yeah...I've yet to have that talk and have zero idea what I'd say anyway. Enter Kelly Clarkson. Pandora played one of her songs the other day whilst I was thinking about all of this. And it fits the situation perfectly. Good luck, kids!





Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Whole Lotta Nothin'

Y: OR ghosts are here because they can't move on. A la the Marley brothers. 
Me: Look at you whipping out your Dickens.
Y: LMAO. Jackass. I was drinking coffee!

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G: Who's ready for the 1st annual margaritas and fajitas fest?!
E: Ok
Y: Annual?
Me: You do know that 'annual' means you have one every year, right?
G: DUH! I know what annual means. Like annual breast exam.
Me: LMAO What the FUCK
Y: LMAO
E: LOL Whaaaaaaat
R: LOL That is...random
A: LMAO Why WHY is that the first thing that came to mind?? I'm thankful it was but still
G: LMAO Shut up. I...shut up
Me: We love you. We're here for you.
E: Oh. Em. Gee. We can totally get chemo together!!!
R: lol So THAT'S what you do in your free time
G: lol SHUT. UP.
Y: So that was a girdle I felt through your clothes the other day? Or a bra?
A: I didn't know you had manboobs
R: LOL It was man spanx!
Me: LOL So you can share chemo with E and then go over to visit the girls and share undergarments
G: LMAO
A: You just tripled your wardrobe, hun!

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W: Did you knock boots with the mountain?
Me: LMAO
W: *youngin

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TV Show: "Oh, DiDi is just a nickname. My real name is Judith."
*puzzled looks on everyone whilst I bust out laughing*
Me: What the hell kinda nickname is that?? That's like, "Oh my nickname is G but my real name is Mustafa."

And thus, my new nickname (Mustafa) was born. But at least it's a family name.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Who Dat, Who Dat, Who Dat Bitch

Kerry Washington rocked my world this weekend. I didn't get around to watching "Scandal" until Saturday and holy crap. That show never fails to have me picking my jaw up off the floor at the end of every episode. But this week's was seriously a humdinger (people still say that). The more I watch "Scandal", the more I realize it is just a telenovela wrapped up in a pretty bow for mainstream primetime. Hours after I watched the latest episode, I watched her host SNL. I tend to dip in and out of my SNL viewing anymore because the majority of the cast members now are subpar (but then we were spoiled in the 90's/early-2000's with all the talent that was there). I've only seen a couple of this season's shows but am still quite confident that Kerry Washington's was the best. She was beautiful (pregnancy suits her) and hilarious. Lately SNL tends to only put their hosts in less than a handful of skits, preferring to let their newbies carry everything else, and I don't know why. They're not all that great and people tune in to see the host and/or musical guest, not your "players". They're background and most can barely do that correctly. The opening skit mocked SNL's lack of diversity this season and has gotten mixed reviews. SNL hired six newbies during the summer and not a one of them has any color whatsoever. In fact, there are only two non-white cast members, both men, which presents quite the problem in mocking politics since the President and First Lady are both African-American. Is it a shame SNL didn't take advantage of a golden opportunity to add diversity to the cast? Yes. But it's not exactly surprising. This is the same show that had a non-African-American actor caked with dark makeup to play the President for a number of seasons. I though the opening skit was funny but maybe that's because my expectations could not be lower for SNL in general. Am I saying SNL should've cast more minorities just for the sake of it? Not at all. But I find it hard to believe that in their summer-long audition process, not one of the best people they saw were minorities. It's also a bit disturbing to think that these six people were the funniest yet they've mostly only played bit one or two-line parts in the occasional skit. That doesn't bode well for the future o' comedy. I can't find any of her other skits (NBC is all kindsa bitchy about not letting that show end up on YouTube unless they post it). But here's the highlight.



Saturday, November 2, 2013

And I Miss You, Without You I Just Don't Fit In

This week's song will include one of those sappy, dad kinda posts so feel free to skip down (or skip altogether) if you're not into that stuff. I've had a pretty great time with my family this week. These people are crazy but I'm so incredibly thankful for them. Where else can I have convos like this:

Cousin: "By the way, I'm bringing M to Thanksgiving this year."
Me: *Sigh*
Cousin: "What?"
Me: "I didn't say anything!"
Cousin: "I heard your sigh. You don't like him?"
Me: "I love him. I just think y'all are fast becoming the Whitney and Bobby of the homosexual world."

Or this:

Bro-In-Law: "You could be a cowboy for Halloween."
Cousin: "OMG, you should be a gay cowboy and we can go trolling gay bars!!"
Me: "...Why would two straight people, one of them married, go trolling gay bars?"
Cousin: "Yeah, once the words left my mouth I realized how it sounded."
[awkward silence]
Bro-In-Law: "...Well, I say y'all go turn some trannys anyway."

Ah, family. I've had a blast with everyone but the highlight has been how much time I've been able to spend with my niece. Her birth made me an uncle for the first time and in a lot of ways it changed my life. I adore all of my nieces and nephews of course. But there is a bit of a special bond between S and me. She's my buddy. I still can't believe she's 14 now. Time just flies. She reminds me of both of her parents more and more everyday. She looks like her mom, has her father's eyes and has inherited the family gene of creativity and love of music (fortunately, she has not inherited the other family gene of stubbornness). She was into playing sports for a long time but the last year or so her attention has been planted on all things musical. My sister is a brilliant piano player and S has been learning how to play for years. She's to the point now where she can outplay all of us. She writes too. And she studies music almost obsessively. Basically, she's awesome. If Miss N turns out half as well-rounded and smart as S, then the ex and I will have done our job. I can't even express how proud I am of her. She's just a great kid. And might I add, her musical taste is fantastic. She loves oldies, she loves 90's, she loves Broadway, she loves old and new country, she loathes 80's. She's the one who tells me what I should and should not listen to when it comes to current music. This has been her jam o' the week. She likes Hunter Hayes and Jason Mraz. I like Jason Mraz and have heard maybe two Hunter Hayes songs. But I have to admit this is a catchy little tune and it's got some humor to it, as most Mraz songs do (although he didn't write this one). This week the blog goes a little bit country, ya'll (but really, it's pop).

Friday, November 1, 2013

Sporting Goods

*sigh* My beloved Colorado Avalanche are in the midst of crisis, and in a season that has thus far been fantastic. Their goaltender, Semyon Varlamov, was arrested this week after having allegedly assaulted his girlfriend. The charges are pretty severe and include assault and kidnapping. According to the girlfriend, he showed up at her house Monday night, stomped on her chest, kicked her and dragged her from room to room by her hair (this is where the kidnapping charge stems from). She didn't report the incident until Tuesday night and an arrest warrant was issued Wednesday night. Varlamov turned himself in and appeared in court yesterday, having spent the night in jail (a requirement for anyone facing these kinds of charges). He left court and boarded a plane bound for Dallas, which is where the Avalanche play tonight. He will be in uniform but will not start the game (he wasn't scheduled to anyway), but as I understand it, he will play tomorrow night back in Denver. *sigh*
I first heard of the charges against Varlamov the night he turned himself in. Sports ARE the top story around these parts this time of year and this being the Broncos bye week, there was no way this story was going to fall by the wayside. And it shouldn't anyway. If the allegations turn out to be true, then Varlamov has no business being in the NHL. IF, being the keyword. I'm already troubled by some of the actual facts in this case. First of all, his girlfriend has already done an interview with a local news station (via a translator, both she and Varlamov are Russian and apparently she's not fluent in English). There have been a fair amount of athletes involved in similar scandals and rarely have the women who were allegedly battered decided to come out publicly in such a way. According to her, this is not the first incident of domestic violence in their four year relationship (he supposedly choked her almost to unconsciousness over the summer), but she has never reported any of those previous incidents to the police. She claims she only reported this one because they are now in America. I find it hard to believe that no one tipped off the police or the team(s) in four years. Another thing that doesn't sit well with me is that this just doesn't seem to fit with everything known about Varlamov. He's a young, shy dude and he's spent the better part of his NHL career living with his mother, whom he seems to adore. He was also supposed to play for the Russian KHL team that died tragically in a plane crash a few years ago. The only reason he was not on that team and on that plane is because the Avs acquired him in a trade that kept him in the NHL. Had that not happened, he would've headed back to Russia and the KHL. I could be wrong but something about this just doesn't gel. It doesn't help that his girlfriend looked and seemed fine in her interview, telling the story matter-of-factly and without any emotion (of course, they are Russian, which makes all of this even harder to figure out). So far the only injuries that have made public are bruises on her lip and wrist. I would think if you were stomped, kicked and dragged, there would be severe injuries from that and you would go to the ER the same night, not a day later. But time will tell, I guess.
Another story making the rounds is the battle of the Washington Redskins and...well, everyone else. For years there have been calls for Washington to change their name since it consists of a racial slur. But the team has always refused and the uproar has died down. The same thing appears to be happening now. There's a very vocal group calling for the change again and this time both the NFL and the team are refusing to take action. The San Francisco Chronicle however is taking action. They will no longer refer to the team as the "Washington Redskins" and will instead just use "Washington" when referencing the team. This is what needs to happen nationwide. If more newspapers and websites stopped using the term "Redskins", they would eventually have no choice but to change their name. I don't see what the big deal is about changing it. It is a racist, offensive term. Hopefully they do the right thing.