Wealth Over Health

Back in 2008, I was rooting for Hilary Clinton to win the Primary and eventually the Presidential Election. I liked Barack Obama and thought he showed promise, but he didn't strike me as being totally ready for the job. The ideal scenario was that he would become VP, learn the job for four to eight years and then run himself, which would've given the Democrats a possible 16 years of time in office (I'm an Independent, but the Republicans are getting increasingly childish and ridiculous and tend to cater more to the rich folk). But with all the bad blood at the end of Primary season, I knew there was no way they could co-exist in the White House. And that was probably the beginning of the mess we find ourselves in now. I voted for Obama in both 2008 and 2012, both because I believed in him and because the alternatives were scary as fuck. His first term had a steep learning curve but was decent enough to keep him in office. His second term has been a disaster. And the epicenter of that disaster is the Healthcare Reform Bill.
Here's what we were promised when we all went to the polls to vote on this thing; accessible healthcare for all and not just in an emergency situation. Supposedly companies would not be allowed to get away with providing super cheap or pick and choose insurance to their employees, and the unemployed would be able to get in to see doctors when they needed to. Sounded like a great idea at the time, and it is a great idea in theory. But it was botched by the White House and the caveats included in the bill did little to help. Religious-based companies went to court to sue so they wouldn't have to provide birth control to their female employees (yet Viagra is still covered). Major corporations filed for a one year delay that allowed them to hold off on providing better insurance coverage and, in the meantime, slashed their full-time employees hours so they will not have to offer them insurance when the delay expires. Cancer patients had their coverage changed, despite being told that would not happen, and it no longer covered their chemotherapy treatments. Those who had to use the website to sign up for coverage either couldn't get to it or couldn't figure out what coverage they needed. It was a mess and nobody in the White House seemed to be able to figure out how to fix it. Even once they did and the law officially went into effect, it still wasn't even close to being what we were all led to believe it was.
Here's what the reality of this law has been for most of the people I know; nothing's changed for the better. My mom's company had pretty good insurance when she began there a few years ago, but under the new law they were able to drop that company and go with cheaper healthcare that barely covers anything. She pays out of pocket for all of her doctor's visits and medications, and was unable to get a much needed cardiac test earlier this year because it required her to pay out of pocket as well (to the tune of $1,500). Her previous insurance would have covered all of this. My brother-in-law was put on Medicaid after the law change and they sent him countless brochures about behavioral healthcare and where to get it, but very little about basic healthcare. And everything they did send him about doctors was very vague and 'figure it out yourself'. He got a letter telling him he needed to call his local clinic, choose a primary doctor and get put into their system as a patient. He waited on hold for two hours before giving up and calling back the next day, only to wait on hold for one more hour before someone hurriedly took down his information. He confirmed that this meant he would be able to call and see a doctor there in the future and the woman said that was correct. Two weeks ago, the need to see that doctor arose and he called to schedule and appointment. They told him there was no record of him in their system and that his only choice was to come in and fill out paperwork and then, in about three weeks, they may be able to get him an appointment. He ended up going to the ER last week. None of this was supposed to happen under this bill, it was supposed to be for the people. But nothing's really for the people anymore when it comes to government. And it's not just the government that's to blame for this fiasco. The reason nobody could afford healthcare in the first place is because doctors and tests cost too damn much. My mother is still locked in a battle over money with the doctor who treated her in the ER over a year ago. She has a $4,000 bill for tests that she's paying down a little at a time and another $600 bill from the doctor. The hospital told her that often times the doctor will cut that fee in half or forget it altogether in cases where the person can't pay, so she attempted to do this and the dude refused to knock one cent off of it. If everybody were a little less greedy, that would be a huge step in fixing healthcare in this country.
Medicine is supposed to be about helping people in their time of need, not milking them for every last cent so you can line your own pockets. Until that changes, nothing else will because it's a domino effect. And things are no different than they were before the "reform"; it's still all about money, you still can't get to a doctor when you need to and the kicker is that if you realize this and refuse to be covered, you have to pay them even more. It's just another demonstration of how power corrupts. You can go in with the best of intentions, waving your "Yes We Can" flag, but things don't always work out the way you plan. Do I think Obama has been a good President? For the most part, yes. There have been things that have gotten done that would not have if a Republican won the White House. But I have to admit much of what's gone on the last year and a half is not what I signed up for. I don't believe the Republicans version of the bill was the way to go either, but some sort of compromise would've worked best. That's the problem though, this version of government are like spoiled children who pick up their ball and go home when they don't get their way. And I know a part of the reason for the combativeness is race, though they all deny it. No President has faced so much upheaval in getting shit done. He could put forth a bill to change what kind of candy bar is in the vending machines of government buildings and it would STILL take six months to pass it, just for the hell of it. All those folks should be ashamed of themselves. They're not doing any good for their country, they're helping run it into the ground.

Turtle Power!

As a youngin, I worshiped the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Worshiped. I had the toys, I had the shirts, I even saw them in concert (I couldn't not go, it combined my two favorite things at that point - music and genetically altered amphibians who kicked ass). I think I was a TMNT for Halloween for three straight years and I pitched a fit when I had to go as Leonardo instead of Michelangelo one year (the irony that even then I wanted to be purty instead of smart). I don't like when people re-make anything from my childhood because they usually fuck it up (pardon my French). And judging by the previews of the "new" TMNT, this movie will be no different. I don't care for Megan Fox and I don't buy her in the role of April O'Neill, a smart and crafty reporter. And the turtles themselves look...odd. I can't really explain it beyond that. But no matter how opposed to the movie I (and my friends) may be, it makes for some good conversations.

A: Those new Ninja Turtles look like black guys in costumes.
M: How can you even tell that? That's racist and I'm offended!
Me: I'm sorry, I can't hear your claims of racism over the sound of you telling me to run for the border every time the news says, "The suspect was a young, Hispanic male".
M: Oh right...I did do that.
Me: Although, I would be offended too if those new bastard turtles were modeled after my people.
A: Your hatred for these turtles is really quite amazing.
Me: I know. I have problems.

==========

Me: I just saw the Ninja Turtles movie trailer on TV and it upset me
W: Sssshhhhh....it's okay, everything's going to be alright. Ain't nobody got time for that movie
Me: I told my mom I'ma wear my old school turtles stuff and protest outside the movie
W: Oh please do run around in too small t-shirts and shorts
Me: Hellllllllllll yeah
W: *absentmindedly sipping she juice box as she gets mental images*
Me: I can be your hero in a half shell babay, I can take away your pain, I will help you kill the Shredder...you...can...take..my breath away
W: LOL I don't even dare try
W: But I want to sooo bad

Pain.Com

They say no good deed goes unpunished and such was the case this weekend. I came to New Orleans to do charity work. What I've actually done while here is sit around in pain. We're talking excruciating, immense pain that seems to have no cure. The right side of my face from my ear to my chin hurts like a bitch, the pain being an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. Since Monday this pain has been around more often than not and I've been popping Mortin and Tylenol like crazy but they haven't touched it. Thinking it was something dental, I used a rinse meant to heal mouth sores and began using Ambesol and chewing on cloves to numb the pain, but it didn't totally work. Ironically, the only time I had absolutely no pain was when I was eating, which made me rethink the dental issue. The nights were horrendous because anytime I laid down, the pain was constant and unrelenting. I slept a few hours each night, but had to sleep in a recliner so I wasn't lying all the way down. And even then, I was still in quite a bit of pain. Yesterday turned out to be the straw that broke the camel's back. We went out to do some shopping and I had a few moderate attacks of pain, but was able to handle them. Then, after dinner, I had a major attack that knocked me on my ass and would not go away. Usually they last about thirty minutes to an hour, but this one was coming and going in rapid succession for two hours and somehow the pain had ratcheted up even higher. The youngin suggested I go to the ER and even though I tried to fight it, I knew I couldn't make it through another night without sleep so I went.
From the time we started talking about going to the ER and during the entire three hours we spent there, the pain was almost non-existent (go figure). The woman who was handling intake forms was all kindsa bitchy towards me, cutting me off when I was explaining what my symptoms were and then giving me an annoyed sigh when I asked her if I could run about five steps back to the door and grab the youngin to come back to the exam room with me. (I've been to this ER before and know that the first time they call you back is usually to test your vitals and then send you back into the waiting room, and I thought that's what she was doing but instead I was being led right back to an exam room.). Fortunately, my nurse was much nicer and actually listened to everything I had to say. Having thought about it, I was now sure this was an ear issue and not a dental one. Yes, my jaw hurt like a MOFO but the pain was radiating from my ear, plus I've had that odd feeling you get when you feel an earache coming on for about three weeks now. It was never a bad enough pain for me to pay attention to it, so I didn't even think of it when all this started. Then, there's that...plague I had in my sinuses a couple months back. It was a weird virus/cold hybrid of some sort that totally wrecked my sinuses to the point where they haven't felt the same since. My mom actually thought I should see a doc last month because it sounded like I still had a sinus infection. The earache-like pain started to get worse around the time I started forgetting to take my allergy meds. The doctor and nurse came in at the same time and took vitals and took in all of this information before diagnosing me as having a build up of fluid inside my middle ear, between the Eustachian tube and the ear drum. I don't have an ear infection, which is the good news I guess, but the fluid in the ear is causing pressure and pain to radiate down the right side of my face. Unfortunately, there's not much they can do about it. I was prescribed high dose Sudafed and painkillers, but told the doc to slow his roll on the latter. I said that given my history, painkillers were not the wisest course of treatment and he agreed. Instead, they gave me some drops to put in the ear which are basically meant to numb it and thus help with the pain. I took my drugs and was discharged and actually slept through the night pain-free.
So far, it's been better than it was before I went to the ER. There are still about four or five pain attacks a day, and while they're not an 11 anymore, they still hurt like hell. I think a part of that is because my body is just done with all this pain business so even if the pain is a 7 or an 8, it feels worse. And this is from someone who has a very high pain tolerance. Nothing, not even post-accident pain, has ever knocked me on my ass like this has, and I wouldn't wish it on even the worst person in the world. I can't function at all during those attacks. Thankfully, they seem to have reduced in length, now usually lasting about 10 to 20 minutes. I can feel them coming on and right away I take my Motrin/Tylenol cocktail, put drops in my ear and put a warm cloth on the right side of my face and lay down. And that's literally all I can do when one of those attacks hits. There seems to be no way to cut them off before they start so I just have to deal with it. But at least the pain isn't constant anymore, so that's a plus. Still, it could take three weeks to three months for this to fully clear out and I hope it's much sooner than that because I can't handle months of this stuff. Even weeks of it seems daunting. But, one day at a time.

Eye Ay Ay

The youngin is into photography and posted a photo of me to her Facebook yesterday. The bestie tagged herself in it so more people would see it (tagging me didn't work apparently) and boy was that ever a great idea...

Crazy Aunt: MIJO! Your eyes are beautiful in this! You should show them off more!
Cousin: Uh...they're eyes. He can't exactly hide them...
Crazy Aunt: You know what I mean! In all the pictures from the wedding, you can't really see them because of those god awful suits they made them wore.
DMC: Hi, you know I can see all of this since we're all "friends", right?
Gay Cousin: I'm gonna have powder blue suits at my wedding. That'll make the eyes pop!
Me: I will not wear that.
Crazy Aunt: Where's that shirt I got you? The blue one. You should buy seven of those and wear it all the time because it brings out your skin tone and your eyes.
Brother: LOL. Yeah, cuz that won't make you look like a shortbus kid. The same shirt EVERY day.
Female Cousin: Ugh, you're such a bitch. I can't even get that skin tone when I tan.
Cousin: At least you got the good eye gene. Mine are ugly ass brown.
Crazy Aunt: My eyes are brown. That doesn't mean they're ugly. Your eyes are very soulful, you should be proud of them.
Cousin: My dad's eyes are blue.
Crazy Aunt: Your mom's were brown. You just got more Mexican than the other stuff.
Cousin: Giuseppe and I are the same mix, almost exactly. His eyes aren't brown. They change colors.
Female Cousin: And he's dark.
Gay Cousin: Oh my god, get over it already. Buy self-tanner, be orange and be proud. You still have the eyes.
Female Cousin: True. They are a beautiful shade of green.
Crazy Aunt: But they have no soul.
Brother: LMAO. BURN.
Female Cousin: What???
Crazy Aunt: They're not serial killer or anything but they aren't as soulful as [other cousin's]. Your kids will probably have brown eyes.
Me: Oh for sure. Cuz you married G and he enjoys effing stuff up every chance he gets.

[Ten minutes pass]

Me: But then I couldn't wear my Hakuna Matata shirt
Y: Oh my god, YES! Please take that away from him, he wears it like every two days. And he silently chanted it over and over while I was on hold with Verizon the other day.
Gay Cousin: LOL. I believe it.
Me: I would respond to that in anger. But I practice Hakuna Matata now.
DMC: Again with the damn Hakuna Matata...
Me: Such a wonderful phrase.
Y: LMAO
DMC: Walked into that one lol
Gay Cousin: You sir, are a genius. Somehow every convo now ends in Hakuna Matata.
Me: Cuz it ain't no passin' craze.
Female Cousin: #DEAD LOL
DMC: What was wrong with those suits?
Me: LOL Uh, welcome back to the conversation.
DMC: lol Hey, I have blue eyes and no problem with my skin tone so the suits are the only part of the convo that interest me.
Cousin: That's cuz you hate your Mexicanness.
DMC: I do not hate my Mexicanness. I'm a light skinned, blue eyed mutt and I'm comfortable with that.
Me: Well, NOW you are anyway.
Crazy Aunt: The suits were ugly, did we not cover this??
DMC: Well at least I don't look like a terrorist in my most recent photo.
Crazy Aunt: You don't listen to him, mijo. You are the most handsome terrorist ever!
Y: LOL. Aaaaaaaand cue the NSA again

So Far From Where We've Been, I Know We're Cool

Life is crazy, yo. I ran into an ex last week at a coffee shop and the irony of that is ridiculous. We spent the night we met talking at a coffee shop until 4 in the morning. Sixteen years ago. Life is crazy, yo. Talk about full circle. We met at like a concert or something, she was on the verge of 20, I was 17. She was in the States with friends before starting university back in London. I had only been single for about a week when we met but we hit it off and a few months later I flew across the pond on a pre-planned summer trip with friends. Those three months were great, but when I came back things got complicated. While I'd already departed (if only temporarily) my first major relationship, she was kinda sorta still in hers when we began. They'd dated three-ish years and a wedding was all but a sure thing. I actually ran into him at one point, before she ended it with him in order to date me, and I really did like the guy and that made me feel guilty about us being together. She always said they were on their last leg anyway, and I think we both bought into that so we didn't feel as bad, but in hindsight I don't think it was completely true. Once I got back here, I was back around my ex and the flame between us still burned VERY bright. But she was dealing with some issues and I stood my ground about us not trying again until she worked all that out, given the hell we both went through when we were together and she was refusing help. We remained friends but you could cut the tension with a knife whenever both these chicks were in the same room. Eventually, something had to give and it did when she went back to London and the ex and I started working on some stuff together. It hit us how we still felt about each other and I had to break it off with the other one. She actually took it quite well and we remained friends and when the world came down a few years later, she was really there for me. The problem was I didn't want anyone to be there for men and chose instead to self-medicate. We were on and off so many times over the next couple of years, and I know she loved me but I wasn't in a place where I could handle that. Our last conversation was like ten (?) years ago and it was an ugly one. Since then, I've only heard bits and pieces about her life from her brother, whom Y dated and continues to keep in touch with.
Seeing her again was so unexpected, but in a good way. I didn't realize how long ago we'd dated until we got to talking. Sixteen years is like another life yo. We were just kids. Now, we both have kids. She married six years ago and has two daughters, the oldest of whom looks just like her. I thought she was gonna fall out of her chair when I told her I'm a father now. She said she knew I'd be a great dad someday, but for some reason she still thought of me as the youngin I was back when we dated. We talked about how entwined our lives used to be and how difficult it was to extricate ourselves, with Y dating her brother, her other brother and I becoming fairly close and staying in touch for a few years after it ended, and her mother and step-father also keeping in touch with me for a minute. Remembering all that and then seeing what very different lives we live now is amazing. She's a mother and a wife, two things she always wanted but she's given up her career, something she never thought she'd do. And she's happy with how her life has turned out. I'm a single father and, back then, I never thought I'd be responsible enough to raise a kid without constant supervision. I'm happy with how my life is turning out too. It was awesome to be able to reminisce and talk about old times, knowing how great we're both doing now. For years, feelings of either anger or romance lingered between us, which is why we consciously lost contact. It's one of those relationships where in a different world, or even had it happened at a different time, it probably could've blossomed. Timing is everything, as they say. But I believe we've both ended up where we were always meant to in this life. And I'm glad we've both ended up happy.

Say Yes

I love the bestie. In 33 years, I have never not considered her my best friend. We're brutally honest with each other, we fight like an elderly married couple sometimes, and one never has a problem shoving the other off a cliff when need be. And I was thinking the need might be now, until she turned things around on me. Late last year she reunited with the fella I believe to be the love of her life. They've been on and off for eons now, the reasons for all of the splits being that the possibility of him being transferred out of state for work was always looming, and her uncertainty about marriage. She loves him, she wants to be with him for the long haul, but she's been married before and is not keen to do it again. He wants to get married, have kids and just be happy, preferably in that order. She wants to have kids and be happy and maybe do the marriage thing eventually. He has been itching to propose since they got back together and I've talked him out of it every time, at her request. About a month ago, he took steps to insure that there's no way he'll be transferred anywhere else for work, hoping that would add some stability to their situation and be enough for her to say, "Yes". Thus far, it has not been. She's happy about it and all, but whatever her block is to the marriage thing, it just will not go away. And I'm afraid this is going to end for good because of it.
The youngin once asked me where my aversion to marriage stems from. She understood that my bro-in-law is anti-marriage because of his parents hellish divorce, and that the bestie didn't want to get marriage again because she didn't want to have another divorce, but she didn't get "what my problem is", as she so eloquently put it. The way she saw it, there's no real traumatizing event related to marriage in my past that should put me off it. And she's right, there isn't. I just don't see the point. I don't necessarily have an aversion to it, per se, I just don't need it like some people do. I think the bestie wants to be married, she's just afraid of failing at it again (and really, she wasn't the one who failed the first time). So I was all ready to tell her to just damn the reservations and go for it when she threw a curveball and said she was considering accepting the proposal. I asked why and when she answered, it was one of those moments where you wish you could reach right through the phone and slap the taste out someone's mouth. She found the ring, she loves it and suddenly she now thinks it might be a great idea to say, "Yes". And I'm like, "No. Just no". Take it from a fella who got engaged for the wrong reasons, it's a baaaaaad idea to agree in principle to marry someone for anything short of being crazy about them, and understanding you're also agreeing to work at a marriage with them until one of you dies. I know she loves him, that's not the issue, but the deciding factor shouldn't be the bling. Rather than flinging her off that cliff like I'd intended, I found myself reeling her back in as quickly as I could. After some discussion, she put the ring back (yes, she stared at it the entire time we talked) and realized how crazy it would be to have to tell him the reasoning behind her finally agreeing to marry him.
Now that she's not going to get engaged purely for the ring, she's moved on to be depressed about what will happen if they ever do go through with it. She has this idea in her head that it should all be so romantic and she should say, "Yes" and see the ring simultaneously (seriously, what is it with you womensz and the bling? Like moths to a flame, ya'll). She doesn't think he'll do some big romantic gesture anymore and that it would be more like, "Hey, let's get hitched". She went on to say that she wants an "epic proposal" like mine, which was a scavenger hunt that spanned two continents and involved some loved ones (it was pretty great. Wasted on the wrong person, but I digress). You know what I didn't get outta that proposal? A wife. It's not about the proposal. That's a nice story to tell, but what's important is the emotion behind it, the reasoning behind it and what comes after all of that - a marriage. Sure, it's preferable to tell your kids some romantic story about how you got engaged on a gondola in Italy, instead of like a Taco Bell parking lot. But all it is at the end of the day is a story, the same way that all a wedding is after the dust settles is a party. She knows all of this, but I think part of her is just tired of being on the fence about it and she's not sure why she can't get over her phobia. I hope she does soon though. He's a great guy, she's amazing and it sucks having to see them go through all of this. Whenever we're all together, the rest of us feel like awkward kids sitting between our estranged parents.

#Bazinga

I have been in fine form the last 12 hours. Agent W is coming round for a visit next year and we discussed that in our typical serious adult manner...

W: When is a better time to descend upon your neck of the woods? February or summer?
Me: Like weather-wise or increase in murder rate-wise or what?
W: Weather, and when would be more convenient for you
Me: Summalummadingdong
Me: Or summer
W: LOL. Oh man, that amused me more than it should have
W: Summalummadingdong it is then
Me: lol the Summalummadingdong of BJ
Me: Mmmm give me Summalummadingdong of that BJ
W: LOL Oh good grief
Me: LOL. Oooooh eeeeee oooooh ah ah ting tang Summalummadingdong
W: LMAO YES!!
W: I told the manwhore J "I want to visit you", and then the manwhore J he told me what to do
Me: LOL. He say he say oooh ee ooooh ah ah ting tang Summalummadingdong

==========

I've been fighting with the printer in this joint for a week now. I bought more ink, I bought a new print head and nothing worked so now I have a bunch of stuff I'm never gonna be able to use. Once again, Agent W was there to lend support.

W: And how art thou my liege lord?
Me: I'm ok. Have yet to have my coffee
Me: I'm is trying to see if I can get my money back for this printer stuff I bought
W: I hope you can
Me: It's only like $20 but I also don't want to be stuck with things I can't use. May as well let someone else use them.
Me: lol Which is also how I describes my womensz #Bazinga
W: LOL. Ouchie
Me: lol Sometimes the magic happens even before I have coffee, apparently
W: Ah yes, morning wood wisdom
W: Got anything interesting going on today?
Me: Funny you should ask...
Me: No, I don't
W: LOL
W: I thinks to myself I thinks "huh, this is probably going to be fascinating"
Me: LOL Fooled your ass on that one
Me: You leaned in to listen intently and I said one word and continued sipping my juice box
W: lol that's pretty much what happened

But All The Possibilities, No Limits, Just Epiphanies

I don't know why but this song has been following me. I heard it at two different stores in the last week, and then twice on Pandora in two days. Maybe it's a sign. Here's to a great weekend, kids.

More-Kuna Matata

G: Awesome. I got coffee all over this shirt before a meeting.
Me: Well, you know what they say. Hakuna Matata.
G: lol No, "they" don't say that. You and three fictional cartoon animals say, "Hakuna Matata".
Me: Such a wonderful phrase.
G: LOL No! I am not doing this with you again.
Me: It ain't no passin' craze.
G: lol You're like a five year old. You get obsessed with something, wear it out for a week or two and then cast it aside and return to temporary adulthood.
Me: lol Pretty much. But at least you know when to expect this to pass. But in the meantime...
G: lol Exactly. In the meantime, I guess it's more Hakuna Matata.
Me: Such a wonderful phrase.
G: LMAO. You bastard. You tricked me.
Me: LOL Yep.

Blinded By The Light

You know what was a really stupid thing to say? "Yeah! Let's each set E up!". Why, you ask? Because everybody involved in that conversation turned on me once they remembered there are two single lads in the group. And whilst one of us would like to take a wife, the other is not interested in that noise and thus it's slightly more difficult to find him...uh, me, a match. Unfortunately, the chicks in my life are like elephants (don't club me yet, ladies, I have a point) - they remember everything. And that includes another friend who has been bugging me for months to let her set me up on a blind date. I said no because I was still entangled in something else. Then I said okay to it happening this summer. And now I am being held to my word. So next weekend, yours truly will be thrown to the proverbial wolves and left to fend for himself. Okay, well one potential wolf. And it's not like I'm anti-blind date or anything, one of the best relationships of my life was the result of a blind date. It's just that I'm being told nothing about this chick. No name, no description, no nothing. And I've been lectured twice about not judging a book by its cover, which doesn't exactly inspire confidence. But these are my friends and I trust them with my life. Just maybe not my dating life.

A Problem Free Philosophy

Recently MC came across a shirt that reminded her of me. It says, "Hakuna Matata" and has a picture of "The Lion King" characters set against an African sunset. If I wore this shirt on a day I decided to shave and threw on a fanny pack, I'd probably be able to pass as a seven year old on a field trip. And that's part of why I love it. Miss N loves Disney movies and I love Miss N, so I'ma rock this shirt til there's nothing left of it but a couple of threads. As much as I already love it, and everybody seems to agree that it suits me, it's apparently an acquired taste as a certain someone would not allow me to wear it out to a casual work function.

Y: Oh my god, no. You are not wearing that shirt to this thing, go and change.

Me: I like it.

Y: I said no. No Hakuna Matata.

Me: But it's such a wonderful phrase...

[She thinks it over for a minute before deciding to play along]

Y: Hakuna Matata.

Me: Pssh, it ain't no passin' craze...

Me: IT MEANS NO WORRIES FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAAAAAAYS.

Y: It's a problem free philosophy.

Me: Hakuna Matataaaaaaa.

Y: Ok, that was fun. But seriously, go change.

Me: I will not. Because I am Hakuna Matata.

Y: Did I mention it's an open bar and one of our dinner companions is of questionable morals when she drinks?

She got her way, I changed. But I'ma sleep in that shirt.

"The Best Way To Find Yourself Is To Lose Yourself In The Service Of Others" - Gandhi

I don't want to brag but my kid is awesome. She was out and about with MC and and saw an elderly woman struggling to carry some bags up the stairs. So what did she do? She told MC to wait a second, walked over and carried the woman's stuff up the stairs. And she's 6. Six. I'm is so proud of her. It is wild to watch your kid grow up, yo. I remember when she was this little tiny thing who sat next to me while I meditated and tried to get me to stop and play with her (which is usually what ended up happening). Now she meditates on her own. The older she gets, the more I notice things in her that remind me of her mom or me or another of our relatives. That girl was all me when she was younger but all that remains of that phase is her stubbornness (you're welcome, Miss N!). As she grows, she looks more and more like her mother, which I don't like because her mom is gorgeous and that's gonna be a problem for us when she starts dating someday. She's as quick as my mom with her smartass quips, which amuses me to no end (the smartass gene is apparently a dominant one in our family). And she genuinely enjoys helping people, just like her other grandma. I cannot wait to find out what she's gonna be when she grows all the way up, even though I dread that happening. My mom's solution to this is, of course, that I should "go get" more kids. I'm not sure if she means via kidnapping or on the black market or what. But she may be right this time. Plus, with Miss N being a helper and all, she could probably raise them for me. Score.

You're A Fine Piece Of Real Estate And I'm Gonna Conquer Some Land

A: How did, "You're a fine piece of real estate and I'm gonna get me some land" not become a pick up line?

E: Because only men use pick up lines and we'd get arrested if we said something like that.

Y: You would not, it'd be just like any other line where we roll our eyes and walk away.

G: Would not! "I'm gonna get me some land" means you're gonna take the 'land' by force like Hitler. #SexualAssault

Y: Not necessarily. You could put in an offer and be rejected, and get no land.

R: Or you could just become a squatter and refuse to leave the land, in which case E is correct.

A: OR you could just buy her a ton of drinks and let the magic happen.

G: ...

A: Sorry, buy the "land" drinks.

Y: LOL. Yeah...cuz that's better.

Me: lol Back to the point, if a man walks up to a chick and says, "You're a fine piece of real estate and I'm gonna get me some land", he's probably getting a drink thrown in his face.

A: I think if you walked up to a chick and used that line the chick would say, "Oh, la conquistadore!". And her panties would fall off.

Y: OMG, yes!! You could so get away with that line! lol

G: LMAO. It's funny cuz all your conquerin' is like a real life version of "Risk".

E: LOL. Ouuuuuuuuuuch.

R: OH LA CONQUISTADORE!! Si! Si! SIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Me: LMAO. Y'all can bite me.

A: Not until you throw me that pick up line, baby.

So, to recap, we crammed Shania Twain, Hitler, conquistadores, sex and assault all into one convo. Oh, and I need new friends. 

#Selfies

A few weeks ago, Agent W and I spoke about the selfie phenomenon. Apparently she posted a Facebook status that said she didn't understand it and soliciting opinions from her friends. My response was something about how a selfie makes it seem as though no one else you know wanted to take a picture of you, so you had to take a billion yourself in order to preserve your own legacy. I don't get the selfie either. I've taken, maybe, four in my entire life and none of those were, "Omg, I should totally take a selfie right now" kinda moments. What a waste of minutes of your life to spend taking photos of your rarely-changing face. As bad as the selfie thing is, I learned today of something far more disturbing and confounding.
Agent W was caught off guard yesterday when, not one, but two of her besties began discussing their after sex selfies. Yes, you read that right. Now people are taking photos of themselves after gettin' it on and posting them online. And then they looked at Agent W like she was the weirdo for not having done it and having absolutely no interest in doing so. I am rarely rendered speechless but hearing about this just about did it. I mean...no. Just no. As I so eloquently said to Agent W, I don't even want to see the person I just slept with, nevermind seeing what strangers (that is, besides the one next to me) look like. Why is this a thing?? Was there really anyone out there who was desperate to see how disheveled total strangers look after having sex with other strangers? I think not. But I guess there must be since this is an actual thing. it's like absolutely NOTHING is private anymore for people. Obviously I'm not some 1950's-let's-sleep-in-separate-beds prude, but I do believe there are things that should be kept private. People post about their ish on Twitter and Facebook and tell everybody every intimate detail and then wonder why it doesn't work out. Or they get bitchy when all those people they told offer up opinions and advice. Aren't relationships difficult enough without inviting the rest of the world into it? And furthermore, what is the point of this exactly? To look back fondly on your sexual encounters? Good lord, people. Find a better use of your time and keep your bedroom (or wherever else you do it) habits to yourself.
The act of the after sex selfie is ridiculous but it sure did make for some good conversatin'. Always a pleasure, ya'll (pun intended).

W: Then she was bragging about how sweaty she gets during
Me: MY EYES MY EYYYYYYYYYYESSSSSSS just from READING that statement. I literally just squirmed in my chair dude lol
W: Even still she was proud, "That's how you know you worked your ass off"
W: And I thought to myself, "No, that's how you know you's fat and outta shape"...if I have an asthma attack during, I'm not going to brag about that shit
Me: LMAO!
Me: Having to get out a paper bag and ish so you don't hyperventilate
W: LOL *puff puff* 

==========

Me: Do you know of anyone that's taken an after sex selfie?
G: No. But I have heard of such a thing and it's crazy stupid.
Me: It's gotta be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.
G: lol Just think, if someone had invented it twenty years ago, you could have like a fucking photo album of all your conquests.
Me: lol Uh, no. Even at my most debauched, no.
G: You could call it, "La Conquistadore" and it could be adapted for film someday.
Me: LOL La Conquistadore

==========

Y: An after sex picture? No, thank you.
A: Of just like the face or what? Cuz otherwise it's porn.
Me: I don't know, I guess it varies.
Y: Ew. No.
A: Oh please, you've taken pictures of worse things than that...
Y: Like naked photos? No, I've not done that recently.
A: lol Oh, "recently". Whore.
Y: You've done it too. Bigger whore.
Me: LOL. "Recently".
A: What are you laughing at, manwhore?
Y: Yeah. I saw your homemade porn collection when we lived together last year...
A: Wasn't the one that was always in the DVD player called "La Conquistadore"?
Me: LOL. I'm gonna kick G's ass.
Y: LMAO Nooooooo! That was the best thing I heard all day.
A: lol Helllllloooooo new nickname!

Baby For Sale

I general don't care about the goings on of "celebrities" (term used loosely since it doesn't mean what it used to), but every now and then a story comes across the wire that is just too ridiculous to ignore. I think the first time I saw Sherri Shepherd was on "Friends" ("I shared my snack pack with you, man!"). I vaguely remember her having her own show or being on someone else's not long after and I watched because I thought she was funny. Then came "The View". It seems like every other week, there's some controversy or another on that show, either about their topics of discussion or about a host. And that's how we found out that she used abortion as a form of birth control in her younger years. I'm pro-choice and firmly believe women should be allowed to make their own choices about their bodies. But I also believe life begins at conception. I'm not a huge fan of even the morning after pill, so you can probably figure out how I feel about someone getting multiple abortions rather than just practicing safe sex. My view of her was drastically altered after not only the revelation, but the fact that she was totally unapologetic about it. Flash forward to about a month ago when news broke that she was divorcing her husband and it was going to get ugly. Reports claimed that she believed in traditional gender roles and got fed up with his lack of a job (supposedly he's a screenwriter, which is a career that runs hot and cold and even more so since he's black). He fired back at her claims by filing for sole custody of their unborn child, who was being carried by a surrogate his estranged wife could no longer have children, thanks to her multiple abortions. She filed her own claim for custody and both sides prepared for battle. At that time, I remember reading some comments at the bottom of the articles about the divorce and people seemed to be mostly rooting for her, which is not surprising since a lot of people side with the more famous party when shit hits the fan. Things took another turn over the weekend when she filed for divorce not in California, where they live, but in New Jersey, saying she no longer wants anything to do with the baby and does not want to be considered a parent. The filing was strategic as NJ does not recognize surrogacy agreements, and since the baby was conceived without her egg, a judge there would likely rule in her favor. In one month she's gone from fighting for custody of her child to not wanting it at all. Why? Money. She says he "defrauded" her into having a child so he could divorce her and get child support because he has no job and no money and therefore is after hers. Okay.
While I have no opinion on who is after who's money, I know for damn sure that any decent human being who put nine months into a baby isn't going to just walk away because they don't want to pay for it. Like how the fuck can you be that damn cruel? That kid didn't ask to be born and that surrogate likely didn't ask if she could carry your child, you CHOSE both of those things. And in all likelihood, they've put far more than nine months into the process, with attempting other methods first and then deciding on surrogacy. I know they say dudes don't get attached to their kids until they're born and they bond with them, but this is just ridiculous. Her egg or not, she agreed to be that child's mother. And if I were the surrogate, I wouldn't want to hand the kid over to either party. I'm not sure what her options are but hopefully things work out for the best and the baby ends up with someone who loves them and doesn't see them as a cash cow. This is something you'd expect from a guy because of the supposed lack of attachment, but not from a woman and especially one who already has a child. But then, I guess you can't expect much from somebody who would rather go through numerous invasive procedures rather than just use actual birth control.
Personally, I think all this stuff about men not being attached to their babies pre-birth is baloney. Obviously, it depends on the guy but it's very possible to love that kid as much as its mother does way before it's born. I loved Miss N way before either of us really knew each other. And I still love her just as much, even though she's now ditched me to go be a girl like her mother. I couldn't walk away from a child I knew was mine, regardless of the circumstances and I don't understand how anyone else (my deadbeat father included) could do it. I don't even get people who adopt animals and then get rid of them when they become too much hassle or aren't cute anymore. Like kids, animals are a lifelong commitment and people should need a license to be able to have either of them. If they did, the world would definitely be a better place. I'm so tired of these "what would Jesus do" types preaching to and judging everyone else for their life decisions while they do absolutely awful shit like discriminate against minorities and gays, have affairs and abandon babies at will. That shit is ridiculous and the worst part is none of those people have any shame about anything.

Oh, Canada

Me: I don't know what song to use on my blog today since it's holiday.
G: Go with something patriotic. Like the national anthem.
Me: lol Not sure direction I want to take since the nation is a hot mess. Plus, I don't know that "The Star Spangled Banner" fits in with all the 90's sex songs I post.
G: Then post the national anthem dude.
Me: LMAO. Uh...that IS the national anthem. Did you think it was just called "National Anthem" or what?
G: ...Um...no lol.
Me: LOL You did, didn't you? Wow, Canada...just wow.
G: lol I am NOT Canadian! I may not know the title, but I know the words. Not even the Jackson 5 knew the words!
Me: I believe the words you know are something like, "Oh Canada, our home and native land".
G: Fuck you! lol I am as American as...
Me: LOL. Apple pie. The phrase is American as apple pie.
G: LOL. Dammit, why didn't I remember that.
Me: Yeah, I think you should opt to take your dual citizenship ass back up North.
G: I can't, I had to renounce my Canadian citizenship in order to become friends with you guys lol

Happy 4th, ya'll.

Time Makes You Bolder, Children Get Older

I have just recently begun to realize why people want to have a kid that is the same gender as them. Because once that kid hits a certain age, they go through a phase where the identify more with the parent they share a gender with. And that age is 6. And Miss N's gender is...well, not the same as mine. Thus, she and her mom are thick as thieves at the moment and I'm the odd man (literally) out. And it kinda sucks. Okay, it really sucks. Up until now, Miss N and I have been buddies, to the point where it used to make MC a bit jealous. Did I flaunt this closeness in a childish, 'ha ha, she likes me better' sort of way? Yes. Yes I did. And now she is doing the same (damn karma). It's like a flip switched over the last few months and Miss N thinks her mom is super cool and her dad is 'meh'. MC tried to give me some comfort in the fact that we're about six more years away from both being exiled to the uncool kids table when Miss N become a tween (*shudder*). But I have hope that the teen years will be...well, let's face it, Miss N is gorgeous and the teen years and beyond are gonna be filled with boys who piss me off when they look at her (nevermind the poor soul who's gonna want to marry her someday). However, my niece turned 15 this year and she seems to think I'm cool again. We've gotten to hang out a lot the last few weeks with all the family stuff going on and it's been awesome. She's like a surrogate kid at this point since mine isn't interested in me anymore. But let us not forget, I am her favorite uncle. I'm Miss N's dad, by definition not someone she should think is cool after a certain age. I just always assumed that age would be like...21 or something. *sigh* I don't like this whole "growing up" thing that the kids do nowadays. Miss N's future siblings shall be Cabbage Patch Kids that I adopt from Toys 'R Us (because THAT is what ladies flock to, right? A 33-year-old fella with dolls). At least they won't grow up and ditch me.