Fuckers Crossed

I have had my iPhone two weeks now and have had my share of 'Wtf are you thinking Steve Jobs' autocorrect moments. I have texted my best friend that I can't wait to have hot cocaine now that the weather is turning (obviously meant cocoa). I have asked my mother if it was cold this Mormon and before I noticed the typo she texted back that it wasn't too cold but she doesn't know many Mormons (my mom never misses a beat and I love it). I've also made texting gaffes that I will never live down, most notably my text that said, 'You weren't responding to my sexy' (meant texts). I get a comment about that one at least once a day. Truly, the iPhone has enhanced the lives of everyone I know. But all of those pale in comparison to what happened yesterday. One of the awesome things about my phone is that I can IM from it and I was doing just that with a friend I haven't talked to enough the last few days. We were discussing a trip to Mexico next year and I intended to say, 'fingers crossed'. But iPhone said no. And hilarity ensued.

Circles And Triangles

Remember that blast from the past ex who left me a voicemail asking to talk? Well, we did talk and the convo was not at all what I expected it to be. I thought it would be along the lines of luring me to a fiery death and then asking Siri where she should hide the body. Instead, it was very calm and laid back and she apologized. That's right, the one woman scorned more than any other in my past apologized to me. To say I was thrown is an understatement. She must have sensed that because she immediately elaborated that she was apologizing for something that she thought hurt me a few years after we broke up. She said she held on the hostility she felt towards me because she'd never been able to tell me off for what I'd done to her. When she met and took a liking to a close friend of mine (who we'll call D), she tried to turn her hostility into payback and they began dating. And she made sure I knew about it. The one kink in her plan was that D and I were not really on speaking terms. Talk about bad timing. She said she expected me to be upset or jealous and confront her so she could say the things she needed to. But that didn't work out the way she had planned either. I did confront her, but not out of jealousy or anger. D was into some shady stuff at the time and she was a good, religious girl and I knew he would do something to fuck her over. He and I had fallen out some time before and he blamed me for it, so he also jumped at the chance to get back at me. The irony is that they were together for the same reason, to get a rise out of me, but neither of them knew it. She says she had intended to go off on me for hurting her but ended up being so taken aback by the news I had about him that she just dropped the whole thing altogether. They broke up and I hadn't heard from her in years. Her reason for getting back in touch has to do with her turning 30 soon and crossing a bunch of stuff she's always wanted or needed to do off her list. Apparently one of those things was tying up any loose ends between us, and I'm actually glad we did finally get to talk about it all because I've always felt terrible about how it ended.
During our conversation, she asked about D and how he's doing now. I told her he was much better physically and emotionally and seeing somebody else, yet another friend the three of us have in common. What I left out is that shortly after the two of them broke up, he sought counseling for his issues and emerged from treatment with the revelation that he's bi-sexual. I've always thought there was no such thing, you pick a lane and that's that, but he's my friend and I love him and support whatever he's into. Unfortunately, he's gotten himself involved in yet another relationship issue. The woman he's dating now is a childhood friend of mine and they're actually a really good match. The boundaries of their relationship have been clearly defined from the beginning and allow him to...continue to explore his bi-sexuality, as long as he does it safely. This arrangement was working just fine and dandy until he began "exploring" with people he works with. First, he got involved with a slightly younger guy who is gay but still very much in the closet. This dude fell for him, in spite of having been told from the start that there was no chance of an actual traditional relationship. And D handled it badly. He didn't know what to do so he just stopped talking to the guy at all and, eventually, the dude got the message. But they hooked up again a few times and the dude got it back into his head that there was hope for something more. They were in this weird, lingering place when bi-sexual bachelor number three entered the fray. This guy is about a decade older and has identified as bi-sexual since he was a teenager. He very much had the same mentality as D; they both dated women but it was an open relationship that allowed them to also see dudes. This is yet another co-worker of D's, mind you. They started hooking up a few months ago and it's been sporadic but this older dude is now catching feelings and talking about the two of them actually dating. D isn't interested, but knows he has to handle it better than he did the last time. And he's reminded of this on a daily basis because the first dude works with both of them. Yeah. It's a mess and he doesn't know what to do and I am of no help since I've never juggled as many people as he's attempting to at the moment.
While I may not understand the whole bi-sexual thing, I do have a bit of experience with open relationships (and relationships in general). I cannot for the life of me figure out why people want to make things so complicated. I mean, two people co-existing and going about their life together is a lot and compromises have to be made and issues sorted out. Why would you want to involve two or three other people in that? I would assume it's out of boredom, and I of all people understand getting bored or restless in a relationship, but it still seems like a lot more work. I dated a chick once who asked if I would be into the open relationship thing. I was surprised she brought it up since we'd been dating for months at the time, but not shocked that she'd ask about because I'd heard her rant in the past about how humans aren't meant to be monogamous. I did think about it for a few days before coming to the conclusion that I wasn't interested, and that turned out to be a dealbreaker for her. But I would rather we go our separate ways than be stuck in something that one of us is uncomfortable with. I think people should do whatever works for them relationship-wise, whether it be an open relationship or poly-amory or gay or straight or whatever. But I guess I just fall on the more traditional side of things, wanting to spend my life with one person. I do hope D manages to extricate himself from his current predicament without hurting anyone though.

Words Without Hate Would Leave Me Nothing Left To Say

*sigh*...I'm having one of those days where I would like to punch a wall. I imagine it would get out all of my frustration and anger over this relationship I've left behind. Unfortunately, I also imagine it would hurt like a mofo to punch a wall so I will write instead. What is there to say here? Even as I write this, I'm not sure myself. I thought I would feel immense relief once we came to an end, and I did, but I also feel quite a bit of anger. I took a lot of shit from her and a tiny part of me hoped she would at least take responsibility for it once she knew it was the real end. But the rest of me pushed that tiny little piece out of the way and slapped him with a dose of reality, and it's a good thing since she couldn't even fathom admitting to anything. So I told her it must be nice to be so perfect and never make any mistakes and she gave a reply about how she's not perfect, only Jesus is perfect (now there's an unexpected cameo for you). And that pissed me off beyond belief so I went off about almost everything that bothers me about her. For once, I had it in me to treat her the way she always treats me but she, of course, didn't see it that way. She went into full victim mode once again and twisted my words. Then she asks if I have anymore "hits" to deliver because we're about to be over. I told her she could consider us over and hung up. And I didn't feel bad about it AT ALL. Her backpedaling took on a whole never level in that conversation and I was just so far past my breaking point. And one moment in the convo in particular illustrates why she is so impossible to date. I said something fairly minor and she said, 'Fuck you'. Deciding I'm not taking any disrespect anymore, I hung up the phone. A few minutes later we talked again and she starts telling me how she's glad I called to apologize. Are. You. Kidding me?? I flat out told her she's a bully when she gets upset and her anger has escalated the last few months or so because I refuse to be bullied anymore and that only upsets her more. This is the thing with her, she needs to be the one in control, she needs to be the one seen as a victim, she needs the attention. I no longer need this at all and I'm not going to stay in something that is causing me more harm than good.
During this conversation she repeatedly asked me not to be so hostile towards her. But I really have no other setting with her these days. We're either teetering on the edge of a fight or we're in the midst of one and that leaves no room to be my normal, rational self when we're talking. I'm constantly on the defense and I hate that. I hate this anger that she brings up in me. And the reason that I get so furious is because she doesn't ever, ever, ever take responsibility for the things she does. I just don't understand how anyone can be that oblivious. She told me not to use the word, 'victim' because it bothers her (what a shock), but I used it a few more times and she starts on about how I'm trying to deliberately hurt her. Well pot, meet kettle. I could've sworn that I told her a dozen times post-hangup how much that bothers me and hurts me but it has never stopped her from doing it. Of course, all those hangups have to take a backseat to me having hung up on her that day. The only thing I can compare what she does to is like her pushing someone down into the mud with all the force she can muster, but then saying, 'Yeah but look at this cut I got while pushing you'. It's so fucking manipulative. And the big kicker is that she thinks it's okay to do that to people. She thinks it's okay to do whatever she wants and then just say, 'Oh I was upset' later and everything should go back to being happy. It really is an amazing ability she has to flip things.

I Mean What I Mean When I Say There Is Nothing Left

I've been a bit at a loss when it comes to what to write about the end of my most recent "relationship". It's not that I have any doubts about us going our separate ways, it's just that there is SO much I need to vent about. I have a couple of blogs in the pipeline about it all but I want to go over them to make sure they're not repetitive, and to make sure I get all of it out. For now, let's talk about the final end of the saga that has been the two of us. During our last conversation I found myself swaying between apathy and anger. She has this way of deflecting blame about everything and twisting my words in ways I never knew words could be twisted. Anything to keep from having to take responsibility for her own actions. And it wasn't always like this, we used to be able to talk like adults and use our inside voices. But not for the last six months or so (at least). She claims I don't listen when she's the one who defends herself against every little thing I say, using our text messages to prove her point ("look back at your texts" is her favorite phrase). I could start talking about how the sky is blue and she would argue with me and try to twist it. By the time we had that last conversation, I was at a loss. I did still care about her but I was over listening to her twist my words and fighting and never being able to get in my side of the story. It was all about how I was wrong, how I didn't give a fuck, how I did all these things to hurt her. Because it is ALWAYS about her in some way. I found myself tuning out for most of the conversation, especially at the end. She hung up (for the third time in that evening) and I didn't bother to call her back.
When I'm in an unhappy relationship my emotions tend to fluctuate quite a bit. A friend compares it to one of those meters in some sort of power plant where the little arrow slowly ticks down to the danger zone. If that arrow is in the green area, we're all good but if it gets down to the yellow area...well, things could go either way. Once it's in the red, I'm pretty much out the door already. That red-orange area on the meter is when I'm teetering on the edge of apathy and once I get there, there's really no coming back. In apathy mode I will become a bit of a cold bastard, not necessarily because I no longer care but because I just want to cut the cord and be done with it all. Sometimes I regret my actions in daylight but I regret nothing when it comes to the end of this one. I'm so tired of the double standards and the ridiculous assumptions she makes about how I feel. But it was right about the time she started asking about dating other people that I realized how much I just don't care anymore. I didn't feel a thing while thinking about her with some other guy. My only thought was maybe she'll find one that can give her what she wants; marriage and kids, and put up with her crazy family. Hell, maybe she'll find herself in the arms of her ex again (which she completely denies but I wouldn't be at all surprised by).
I really ran out of patience with her and I could kick myself for staying so long. I was in the yellow zone around Christmas but she brought me back into the fold. She continued to bring me back in every time I tried to end it. She went on a rant about how terrible I supposedly am towards her, which is total bullshit, and how she's stayed for two years because I begged her not to go, etc. And she is partially right about me wanting her not to go...but that seems so long ago. Lately, when she says she's leaving, I hope it's the end but know it isn't and brace for the texts she will send trying to fix things. But there is nothing left to fix. I don't care anymore. And if I'm so "terrible", then why has she hung around? Why was she begging me not to go weeks ago when she hurt me? She accused me of having all the power here and over her personal life and I told her no one's held a gun to her head and forced her to stay in this. She could have picked up her marbles and gone home at any time, but she chose not to. Don't blame that shit on me as if you're not a damn adult who is in control of their own life (even though she's not in control, her family has a large say in her life). I'm just...done. I have been for awhile but that argument was just the end for me.

Maybe I Didn't Treat You Quite As Well As I Should Have

I got an interesting voicemail today from someone who pretty much epitomizes the dark ages. It was a short message, just her saying she wanted to know if I would be open to meeting up sometime in the next week to talk. I was totally thrown. If there was one person from my past I never expected to hear from again, it was her. She has every right to be pissed off at me for life and never want to hear my name again. I'm sure she felt that way for awhile too. But now she's moved on to someone else and no longer hates my guts. I called her back tonight and found the reason she's resurfaced is because of a project she's doing in celebration of her 30th birthday. She's attempting to cross 30 things off of her 'before I turn 30' bucket list and it's kind of brilliant. Apparently confronting me about our time together, and some other issues long after, made the list. She says she just wants to clear up some things and I'm totally open to it. I've always felt terrible about the way I treated her and how things ended between us.
The synopsis of our relationship is this: good girl meets bad boy (at the time), both are drawn in by what they've never experienced before, both exit with major regrets. Her regret, I'm sure, was getting involved with me in the first place, especially since her gut told her not to. My regret would not surface until much later  when I sobered up and realized what an ass I was towards her. I attempted to apologize as soon as my regrets surfaced but she wasn't having it. I remember telling the doc who helped me get my crap together a story about how she would tell me everything about her day, down to what kind of coffee she'd had that morning. I found it inexplicably annoying and it didn't occur to me until much later that that annoyance should have been my cue to leave, because that's what happens when I've tuned out of something. Every little thing annoys me when I've gone into apathy mode in a relationship, but I had no idea that was my pattern back when she and I were dating. A few years later, she dated one of my best friends. He and I were not on speaking terms at the time and he dated her to spite me, whereas I think she genuinely kinda liked him. They broke up a few weeks (maybe a month) later and I hadn't heard from or about her since.
I'm quite curious to find out what she has to say to me. But I'm also very nervous. Karma kicks all of our asses at some point and it would be fitting if it sent her back to kick my ass herself.

I Have To Say It Was A Good Day

I am exhausted but I can't get to sleep. I meant to go to bed at around 11 last night because I knew I had a long day ahead of me but that didn't work out. I didn't even climb into bed until around 1:30 and then got a few texts I needed to respond to, which kept me up until almost 2:30. I finally started to fall asleep but I would wake up every hour or so for no reason. It was one of those things where I was anticipating my six am wake up call and worrying I would miss it. Of course it was one of those days that was perfect for sleeping in so when my alarm went off the last thing I wanted to do was get up. But I did and jumped in the shower, where I found a big ass dead spider. And I thought it was gonna be one of those days where nothing goes right. Instead, my day quickly turned positive. By the time I woke up, coffee was already made and eggs were scrambling on the stove. All of my early and important stuff went swimmingly and ended earlier than I expected. I was home by 2, but it seemed much later since I'd been up with the sun. I felt a bit in a fog but still decided to try and squeeze in some work, and ended up getting way more done than I thought I would. My day ended with pizza, friends and a mini "Lost" marathon and all of those things are awesome. And now I'm I'm bed. It's almost 2:00 and, again, I am still up. For some reason my body is fighting getting rest and I will likely pay for it tomorrow. But today was a good day and an unexpected one at that. You gotta take in the little victories y'all.

i'M Lovin' It

It has been a great day for me, even though it started with phone issues. I keep my phone either under my pillow or on my headboard, (you know, in case an ax-wielding murderer breaks in at night or the zombie apocalypse finally happens). But last night I fell asleep while talking to a friend and woke up to find my phone on the floor. I wanted to apologize to the friend for having passed out (and apparently also hanging up) before saying goodnight so I started texting just that. I hit 'send' and got back a failure message which never happens on my phone so I tried again. Same result. I tried to make a call and got a different message about how I had no service, even though I had full bars and the Verizon logo on my screen. I figured it was one of two things; the end is here and today we all die, or I didn't pay my bill. And I was sure I'd paid my bill. Once I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and the zombie theory out of my brain, I realized that today was iPhone day. The woman I talked to about waiting to activate my phone said I needed to plug it into iTunes before it would be good to go and I assumed that meant my old phone would work until I set up the new one. But apparently when Verizon says, "activation takes place on September 16th", they mean it and cut off your old stuff off when the clock strikes twelve PDT. I'd planned to wait until the afternoon to activate it because I had a busy morning and no time to transfer anything, but ended up frantically activating it with guidance from a friend. (While I was doing this, my old phone inexplicably delivered the texts it had previously refused to send. Ah, technology.) I had to leave my contacts behind most of the day, except for the ones who texted me while I was out. Once I got home, I synced myself silly in iTunes and have been exploring the world of Apple technology ever since.
I am a day into being an iPhone user and I find myself both enthralled and disgusted by my new toy. Enthralled because I literally have not put it down the entire day, and disgusted because the damn thing is smarter than me. I had been told a number of times how an iPhone would change my life and I scoffed every time. But I scoff no more mi amigos because this tiny machine is awesome. I can see an entire conversation in one glance, instead of having to click through each individual text like on my old phone. I can text with one hand, rather than having to flip open my phone to get to the keyboard, which is one of the main reasons I decided to upgrade. It was becoming very difficult to haul a 4-year-old around and try to text on a phone that required both hands to do so. Obviously I am now immersed in the world of apps and constant Internet connectivity, which is good and bad. I've kinda liked not being "always on" but it's probably better that I am now that the kid is in school. I've found some cool apps (there really is one for everything) and I'm acclimating to using a touchscreen (not as gross and gunky as I thought it would be, thanks to a screen protector). I've already dropped it once and held my breath as I checked for damage (there was none, thanks to a case). So far, so awesome. The one thing that I was hoping to improve hasn't though, my call clarity is still awful. It seems to get better or worse depending on which part of town I'm in, but it's never as great as Verizon promises it should be. But I guess you can't have everything.

(Written on my fancy new iPhone)

This Drama Is A Bore And I Don't Wanna Play No More

. . .I have a question. When someone tells you they're going to be alone in a different city for a week, wouldn't you assume that means they'll be, you know, alone? Yeah, I thought so too. See, someone told me that she'd be by herself while working in Vegas this week, in fact she went out of her way to say it a couple of times. She practically begged me not to cut off contact between us during this week because she would be alone and knew she would want/need to talk to me. But it turns out, once again, she didn't quite tell me the full truth about that. Given her tone and the fact that she actually said as much, I was under the impression she would be in a place where she didn't know anybody and would be by herself in a hotel room at the end of the work day. So I left things open and didn't end it and told her if she really needed to text me, she could. But we fell into our old pattern and started talking a bit and I kicked myself for it, even though I didn't let her all the way back in my life. Yesterday I tried to tell her we needed to put some space here because I'm not comfortable letting her back in and things being the way they used to. She flipped out about it claiming we'd been "okay" on Monday and wanting to know what changed. I never got the chance to explain because she went all dramatic and made everything about her, as she always does. So we hung up in more limbo than we'd begun the day in.
Even though I was a bit irked by the texts, I replied when I could because I didn't like the fact she was by herself working this convention. Come to find out she's not. Tuesday night she texted me that she was going to dinner with a friend and it struck me as interesting since just days prior I'd gotten a sob story about her loneliness. I didn't say anything but it prompted me to look back at my blogs from the past few days and decide that we needed a minute because this script seemed oddly familiar to last week's Hawaii incident when she said she'd make time to talk and then decided to purposely ignore me. She didn't take kindly to me saying I needed a step back, despite telling me on Sunday that I should do whatever I needed to in order to move past all this. We talked sparingly today and then she asked to call this evening and added she could only talk for a few because she was going out to dinner and then to a club with a friend. And I snapped. She's only there for four days and this will be the second night she's spent out with this friend. I find that mighty interesting. At worst, she straight up lied to me about being alone in order to keep me at least partially in the fold and at best (if there is such a thing here), she "forgot" she had a friend who lives in Vegas. I don't buy it.
I expressed my surprise about finding out she had someone to hang out with after hours there and she of course turned it around on me. She said her friend was supposed to be out of town but just happened to make it back in time to be in Vegas the same week that she was. I don't believe that either. I think she knew all along that he'd be there and, at the very least, she knew it was a strong possibility he'd be there and they would hang out. She's such a fucking planner that she would have badgered him for a week to find out if they could do something, there's no way she went there thinking she would be alone. She got smart about it said she is alone during her work day and at the hotel and, therefore, she told me the truth. Well gold star for you since the truth seems to be an elusive thing to come by with you these days. I wanted to flat out call her a liar but I held back and chose to use the word 'omit', but she still got pissed off. It was a simple question: Why did you tell me you would be all by yourself and that there was no one there you were even friends with when you knew differently? She never did actually answer it before leaving to have her night out with this guy.
What's that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice, shame on me? Yeah, that's where I am now. She tells me one thing and then she does something different and assumes she can spin it later on if I  realize what's happening. And in a certain light, it's brilliant. By now she knows me and she knew on Friday that only something drastic would make me ever speak another word to her so she comes up with this faux 'I wanna take some pills' business (and believe me, it was all an act. She's a narcissist and they're too vain to actually off themselves). Once I do start talking to her again, she comes up with this B.S. about being all alone in Vegas and how depressed she's going to be if we can't talk, and she does that with the pills email still fresh in my brain so I'll cave easier. And here we are. It's like she gets some little thrill out of it now. So many other people in her life to do battle with yet she prefers to be locked in one with me. It's so fucking twisted.

And She's Off...

My daughter starts pre-school this week and I am not coping well. Today her school had a little picnic for everybody and it was...interesting. I was unaware how many single mothers there are at her school (and one who had on a ring but still got a little too friendly with me). The ex and I have agreed to do as many things as possible together when it comes to our girl's school; conferences, school functions, team sports should she decide to play any. But all of that is kind of in the future. Our togetherness now entails both seeing her off to school in the morning and both picking her up in the afternoon. Since the three of us arrived to this picnic together, it was assumed the ex and I were still a couple. Once word got out that we are no longer "together", the single moms felt the need to introduce themselves to me en masse. It was a little overwhelming. But a few of them seemed really nice. I left the mini-party early and am now bracing for the next phase of this schooling business. You know, the part that has me getting up relatively early and handing my kid off for four hours of the day. I joked with a friend that the only woman I've ever been able to fully commit to is about to leave me. And that has me...all kinds of sad and sentimental. Sad because I've truly enjoyed the toddler years and am not sure how to adjust to having a "kid" and sentimental for...well, the same reason I guess.
I despise change and there is plenty of it on the horizon. She's starting her school career and I'm starting a business and the kid, her mom and I are all starting a new schedule. Before my anemia, I could get through a day on a remarkably small amount of sleep. But now, even when I get a full eight hours I wake up fatigued the next day. I'm a total night owl and regularly stay up until one or two in the morning, usually because I have the luxury of sleeping until ten or eleven in the morning. My daughter is a big sleeper so even when I have her, I can still usually sleep until nine or so. But that's not gonna be the case anymore since we both have to be up early to get her to school. The wise thing to do would be to get to bed earlier, say around 10 or so, and get more rest. We'll see if it works out that way. On top of all this, both her mother and I are questioning if we want to stay in the city after she finishes pre-school. This isn't a conversation we would have been having a year ago but now we've both grown disenchanted with the scenery and the realization of what raising our daughter here would mean. It wouldn't be bad and it could still happen but the ex and I both grew up in houses with back and front yards, walking to and from school and we want that same experience for her. The problem with that is, even though we both want it, we're not sure how to achieve it. We'd have to agree where to move first and that could be complicated because of her work. I can work from anywhere, even once this business is up and running, but she probably won't be able to. Ideally, she would get her own gig up and running (something she is considering) and we could both be based anywhere. I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. We have to put our attention on pre-school right now and any moves we make will have to wait until next summer. I kinda don't wanna let our girl go to school tomorrow.

Auto (Erotic) Correct

Cousin: I'm excited to get into Ando.
Me: ...
Cousin: Ann Dover!
Cousin: Bend over!!
Cousin: Noooooooo!
Cousin: I'm so excited to get to BEND OVER!
Me: LOL Wow
Me: You know...
Cousin: Don't. Say. ANYTHING. lol
Me: This is the most laid back coming out I've ever been a part of. And that's saying something since your brother came out over Thanksgiving turkey.
Cousin: LOL. Shut up.
Me: lol Have fun bending over this week.
Cousin: lol I hate you. You will tell NO ONE of thistle!
Me: LOL! But I like thistle...I want to share it with others.
Cousin: Son of a bitch! lol. I'm going to stop texting now.
Me: Probably wise
Cousin: Your time will come and we will all make fun of your auto-correct issues, son.
Me: Oh I'm sure. [My brother] already said he can't wait til I accidentally text something to mom about a tranny and it all falls into place for her as to why I'm not married yet.
Cousin: lol I await that text with more anticipation than I can express right now.
Me: Are you more or less excited about that than you are about bending over? lol
Cousin: Steve Jobs has played the best prank on the world with auto-erect
Me: LOL Aaaaaaand he completes the hat trick
Cousin: LOL It is fitting, isn't it?

(He was on his way to Andover, Massachusetts...at least I thought he was before this exchange.)

She'll Turn The Knife Into Your Back And Then She's Calling You, "Baby"

So...she and I finally had that grown up, non-shouting talk we've been waiting for. I had been thinking it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, until we got to the end. I decided to tread very lightly after what happened last night. I used to be 100% sure she wouldn't try anything like that but now I'm not so sure and I figure better to be safe than sorry. Unfortunately, being safe forced me into being not completely truthful. I don't like that but I guess it is what it is. She was in tears from the beginning and kind of already knew we would not get past this the way we had everything else. Surprisingly, she didn't try to spin it at all. She seemed genuinely apologetic about having hurt me. She kept saying over and over that she didn't want this to be the end and did ask a few times what we do now and how to fix it. But I told her I honestly don't know. She apologized profusely for yesterday and I appreciated the apologies, they were all actually sincere. It was nice to get an apology without, 'but remember when you did this to me' attached to the end. Then she began to talk about how she didn't think she would survive us ending and how nothing has affected her the way yesterday did when I wasn't speaking to her. And I know she would, eventually, get over us but I also know what she means when she says she can't live without me. Before us she had to fix everybody's problems and go up against her family by herself, but now she has an ally. If I'm no longer there, she's back to one against two (her mom and brother) and she has no getaway from their drama. I'd like to think that's only part of the reason she says she can't be without me and the majority of her reason is because she cares so much, but who knows at this point.
We got into talking a bit like we used to, although I still had my defenses up majorly. I know she was trying to pull us back to the good times and move us away from the current situation but I'm so tired of the way we sweep things under the rug. We go out at it, then come down and push aside whatever the issue is in order to get back to the good place. Nothing gets solved and the issue just rears its ugly head at some other time and we fight about it all over again. I softened just a little and she saw the door cracked ever so slightly and tried to pry it open by telling me she'd be by herself all next week working a convention and didn't know how not to talk to me. I got sucked into those old feelings for a minute, but settled on telling her she could text me if she needed me. I said nothing about replying to those texts and honestly I'm not sure if I will. I told her we need a detox from this situation. I felt like I had no idea how she would react or what she would do if I officially ended things so I left us a step away from that. She asked me if I hated her for what had happened and I told her I don't hate anybody and that I forgave her for it, but I'm not over it. Not by a longshot. She said she understood that and she understood we needed some time, that she wanted me to do whatever I needed to in order to try and save this. It actually looked as though we'd emerge from this in at least semi-separate lives.
Although I knew she would probably text me next week, it seemed as though the worst of it was over. Then she says she wants to tell me something and she doesn't want me to get upset, but quickly adds that it's nothing to get upset about. That last part almost always means she knows what she's going to say will make me mad but that it shouldn't because she thinks it's not a big deal, so I braced myself. That ex who gave her the bracelet she may or may not have continued to wear, the same ex who friend dumped her at midnight on one of the most depressing days of her life, wants to meet with her tomorrow. Oh yeah, and she'd already committed to seeing him. So this guy disregards your feelings and disrespects everything you shared and just cuts you out of his life, leaving you in tears about the whole thing, but you agreed to give him an hour of your life to explain himself now? Nevermind the turmoil he's caused between the two of us, the idea of her doing that after the way he dumped her is just ridiculous. Granted, we deal with things quite differently. If someone did that to me, they'd never hear another word from me, let alone get any of my time. Eventually she changed her tune to say she wasn't going to meet with him and told him he could call her with anything he had left to say. The convo took another turn after that and we, again, got to talking like we usually do. She's off to Vegas next week for her convention and talked about how she'd be running the thing by herself and she mentioned, again, how she didn't know how she wouldn't text me. I said maybe (and I really emphasized the maybe part) I would check in with her mid-week just to see how it was going. I figured by then I would know whether we were officially over or if there was anything worth salvaging. A few months ago we were celebrating a kind of significant anniversary and she was out of town on the actual day of it. I had arranged to have some gifts sent to her since I was going to be out of town when she got back but she said she'd rather wait til we were together (shockingly, a friend of hers was with her on that trip so I'm guessing that's why she chose to wait). I hadn't purchased anything yet and it turned out to be a good thing that I hadn't because I ended up having to help out a family member with a money issue. Now that she's going to be alone, she hinted that she'd like me to send her something now and my first thought was, 'Are you serious?'. You put me through the ringer for a week, say completely inappropriate things to me yesterday, threaten to take sleeping pills last night and now you're asking me to send you presents? I flat out said no and the tone I said it in must have told her how annoyed I was at the suggestion because she dropped it. Then she asked about who was around yesterday when we talked and whether they heard me get so upset. I'd deliberately called her when no one was home but apparently my brother-in-law came in on the middle of the convo. He was two floors below me and still heard me get loud and hang up. She asked if I'd talked to him about what happened and I was very vague but said we'd talked some. She asked if he hated her and I was a little taken aback. I mean, no one in my life particularly cares for her but I was puzzled as to why that was on her mind at that moment. So I asked and she said that if she someday meets any of my family, she doesn't want them to have preconceived notions about her. It's a little late for that. But I told her not to worry about it and she let it go. We hung up with the understanding that we're not talking again anytime soon but that I've not yet fully processed how I feel about all this and may need to get some things off my chest at a later date.
Today's convo reminded me of so many things. It reminded me of the good times but I never let myself forget the bad and especially the last few days. It reminded me that her view of things is that it's best to patch them up ASAP, regardless of whether or not they actually get fixed (and they usually don't). But I don't do patch jobs, I need things to be actually fixed, even if it means hashing it out for hours to get there. Even with us hanging by a thread, she talked about her rent situation and how she might be moving soon and how she's not doing well at all financially. And let's not forget asking for presents and asking what people she doesn't even know think of her. I kind of get why she said some of the things she did, why she tried to talk as we normally do, because that's just the way it's been with us. But it's interesting to me that even with things as they are, she's concerned about what people think. Maybe it's just her personality though, she's always put so much focus on how others perceive her, whereas I don't care. I've told her a handful of times I don't care that her friends don't like me and I won't go out of my way to make them like me. They either do or they don't, they think I'm good for you or they don't. But it's like she so needs the approval of everyone in my life. I don't get it.

I Think That Life's Too Short For This, Want Back My Ignorance And Bliss

I am flabbergasted. She texted me off and on for a few hours but I remained silent. I seriously considered never speaking to her again. I thought she would back off and at least give me the rest of the evening to myself, but about four hours later she sent another email that ended with, "I feel like taking a bunch of pills and going to sleep...". Because I had set up a filter to reroute her messages, I didn't see it until an hour later. I knew it wasn't a legit suicide threat but I decided to air on the side of caution, especially with something like this. Awhile back a friend of mine had to deal with a similar incident with someone she was in contact with, from the same site I found this chick on (note to selves: don't shop in that neighborhood anymore). That was scary enough and I wasn't even directly involved, I never imagined I'd be dealing with it myself. I finally texted and she came back with another line about how she didn't want to live anymore and she'd never felt the desire to end her own life until she thought those would be the last words we spoke to each other. She followed that up with, "I'm not saying I will I'm just saying that's how I feel". She asked if I didn't want to talk to her anymore but then begged me not to say no because she couldn't take it. When I said I thought it was best we didn't talk the rest of the night, she went back to saying she may take some sleeping pills and go to sleep and how she wanted to not wake up. Her next few texts were all jumbled and misspelled and I asked if she'd already taken something. She said yes, I asked what and how many and all she kept saying was she was sorry. I told her if I didn't get a coherent text from her in the next five minutes I was going to text both her mother and her roommate. Suddenly her texts were back to being what they usually are and she begged me not to text her mom and said she'd just take two Advil PM. She asked over and over if this was the end and her moods continued to swing between 'please don't let this be the end' and 'you don't care anyway, just tell me it's over'. It was...*sigh*.
As I suspected, she brought up the deaf incident and attempted to spin this again. I didn't even acknowledge the bait and when she realized that, she began begging to talk again and said this couldn't be the end. I expect she'll bring it up again tomorrow when we talk and say that she got over that so I should just get over this. But replaying the end of that convo in my head...I remember it so clearly and remembering the feeling it gave me makes me sick. "I'm not gonna talk to someone who is fucking autistic...I said you sound like you're fucking autistic". I think it would be easier for me if she hadn't said it twice. When I asked if she was deaf, she asked me to clarify what I'd said and I had enough sense to realize it had hurt her and I did not say it again. But her anger just takes complete control over her entire being. She didn't even think twice about repeating it and went so far as to practically yell it the second time around. And that is what I am not okay with. At all.
This is the problem when trying to end it with someone who knows just how you tick. She has always preyed on how much I care about and am attached to the people I love and tonight was no different. She knew I wouldn't be able to ignore what she wrote me and I wonder if there wasn't even motive behind the way she chose to deliver it. She knows I'm not connected to my email 24/7 so I'm curious as to why she chose to email 'I don't wanna live' instead of texting it. The whole email was two lines. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I wonder if she didn't email it thinking that if I still didn't respond in a timely manner, she could either spin it to say I don't care if she lives or dies or not respond when I did text so I would think something happened and be freaked out all night. If neither of those is the case then she took a damn good guess about me being able to get to email at that almost exact time. I don't know. I don't know what to say tomorrow, I don't know where the convo will veer. But I'm finding it very hard to look at her the way I used to. These kind of stunts aren't exactly helping. She said the four hours we didn't talk were torture. The next round of silence may last much longer than that.

The Holes In [Your] Apologies

I cannot remember the last time I was this fucking livid. I may never have been this upset before in my entire thirty-one years on the planet (and you know I'm pissed about something when I'm willing to admit my actual age). I got a series of texts this afternoon from her:


Hey (12:01 PM)
I miss you (12:01 PM)
I woke up in tears this morning. I hate things the way they are (12:02 PM)
Please text me something (12:11 PM)
If you're never talking to me again please tell me. I can't take this (12:30 PM)

It all sounded like the typical crap she texts the morning after a fight, semi-apologetic and assuming that love will keep us together and bring me back into the fold. I discussed the pros and cons of responding with a couple of friends and half said to respond and tell her not to text me anymore, while the other half said not to respond at all and let her figure it out herself. In hindsight, the latter group of friends were correct. I texted back that she was unbelievably cold towards me last night, thinking maybe we could talk like grown ups instead of yelling and throwing around false accusations. No dice. She immediately went on the offensive saying I hung up on her (pot, meet kettle) and that I supposedly told her she didn't deserves answers to the questions she asked me (what actually happened: when she began to try and talk like nothing was wrong, I said she had no right to ignore me for a week and then ask questions about my life. Where she got the 'don't deserve' thing, I'll never know). And thus began the latest chapter of this drama.
I called her and we talked in a civilized manner for awhile. But she continued to say things that were not based in reality and I began to refute them...loudly. I despise yelling of any kind and I hate getting upset. I'm a very typical Taurus and the best example of this is my temper. I can be provoked and pushed around, but it takes A LOT to get me to the point of charging and once I do, I go for the jugular. I will get loud, I will let out everything I've been keeping in and it will not be pretty. And it takes me awhile to come back down from that all out anger. Rarely has this type of anger been a part of my romantic relationships, even the ones that crashed and burned. But today...today is different. Something has been different about my feelings for her for awhile now. It's like seeing the light and coming to realize that she's never wanted what was best for me. At least not if it doesn't fit into her vision of what the best is. As we talked loudly, she continued to deny things and tell me things that she believed had happened and talking over me. I can never get more than a few words out before she starts talking over me. She went on and on about the same shit that had little to do with what we were even talking about and when I responded, she said that my brain must be messed up because I'm not remembering things correctly. It's common knowledge that I had a brain injury that will continue to rear its ugly head for the rest of my life. My friends are extremely sensitive to any jokes or insults about 'messed up' brains or brain damage because of this, but I've always just accepted it as another part of me. I don't typically find such jokes offensive. But her saying that today, in the space that we were in, struck a bit of a nerve. We began talking over each other and she would tell me what had actually happened and get in a dig about how what I was recalling was not true. I began repeating the same things over and over and over again in hopes that the repetition would hammer them home or that she'd maybe stop talking and let me finish. She never did let me finish. Instead, she chose to threaten to hang up and said she wasn't going to keep talking to someone who was, "like fucking autistic". I asked her to repeat herself and she actually had the balls to say it twice. I yelled, "Fuck you" as many times and hung up. Done.
I'm sure she thought I'd call back in a few minutes but fuck no I'm not gonna call you back when you speak to me that disrespectfully. The only reason I even responded to her texts this morning was because they seemed apologetic and as if she wanted to actually work through shit. When I didn't call right back, she texted; "I said you SOUND that way. Not that you are! Because you just keep repeating the same thing without listening to me!". Oh, well then. I didn't respond. Then; "Please call me back. I didn't say that you were! I'm sorry that you heard it that way. I'm sorry. Please call me back". So now, not only do I have a messed up brain and am I autistic, but I also have a hearing problem. She then left a voicemail saying essentially the same thing and asking me to call her back. Next, came this; "I'm sorry. I don't think you understood me. Please call me back. I'm begging you.". Add in a problem with comprehension. And finally she sent an email:

"Please please text me something.  I did not say what you think I said and I'm gutted that you were hurt so badly.  I was NOT calling you that I was just saying you sounded that way b/c you kept repeating the same thing over me talking but if that hurt you I'm SO SO sorry and I wish I could take that back.  I had no idea you would respond that way.  PLease please call me or text me.  I'm a wreck if I hurt you.  Please please tell me something.  if this is the end of us I will truly not be able to live...   I'm so sorry and I HATE that that hurt you so bad.  I'm sorry about the past week.  I don't know what else to say but that...please don't let this be the end."

Couple things: There's a lot of "if that hurt you" going on in there, as if she's not sure it did or not. There's also another reference to her not having said what I think she did. It's pretty hard to sell that argument when I asked you to repeat it and you said it again in exactly the same way. And let's not forget the flare for the dramatic about not being able to live if this is the end and begging me to not make this the end. This is not all my doing and she knows as much, but will likely never admit it. This situation reminds me of one we went through awhile back when engaged in another battle. I was so frustrated that she wouldn't let me speak and jumped on me for every little thing. In my frustration and anger, I said, "Are you fucking deaf?". I'm not proud of it and I owned up to it right away but she understandably went ballistic. She hung up, said, "this is over, completely over" and refused to accept my apology. If she'd never taken another call or text from me, I would have understood because it was the wrong thing to say, no matter how upset I was. For an hour or so, I though that would be the case and that she was done. But she wasn't. Once she cooled off, she called me back and I apologized. She was hurt by what I'd said, swore up and down it was the last thing I'd ever say to her, and the fate of us was completely in her hands. She chose to let me back in. This is the exact same situation but with a very different outcome. I was hurt by what she said, have gone silent as a result and the fate of us is in my hands. Or, rather, the decision as to what happens next is up to me. Knowing her, she's thinking I just need to cool off for a few hours and will expect to hear from me before the end of the day. What will actually happen? I couldn't tell you. Usually, no matter how upset I get with her or the situation, I feel some sense of guilt when I hang up on her. Usually, she will text within a few minutes and I will cool off in about ten minutes and then call back. Usually, I put my hurt feelings on the back burner for the sake of moving past it and getting back to the good place. But right now, an hour or so after the hang up, I feel numb. I feel as though there is no good place here and there hasn't been for awhile. I feel like she needs this more than I do. I feel as though she's become addicted to the type of relationship she has with her mother, one where there is talking down to and fights and then empty apologies the next day. And I refuse to be in something where we're addicted to the drama. People who love each other don't say the things she and I have grown used to saying to one another. And the things she has said to me are things I have always found incredibly disrespectful and said I wouldn't stand for. But I did. I stuck it out. And I'm sure at some point I'll get a text that says, 'look at these things you said to me and I still talked to you'. Because she doesn't understand that, although we're alike in some ways, our tolerances for what we will and won't take are very different. Just because you are able to get past something and forgive doesn't mean I should automatically have to do the same thing. Her choosing to come back after what I said was completely her decision. My choice not to go back after what she said today is completely mine.

You Adjust Your Reason Until You See The Light From Where You Are

You know it's time to cash in your chips on a relationship when even the tiniest interaction with the other person makes your blood boil. Welcome to my day, kids. I wrote in my last post about how a certain someone doesn't even seem to care about me or what's happening in my life. I wrote about how her every moment seems to be occupied and planned out for her, as if she's in some sort of prison camp. And I wrote about how the only thing she seems capable of texting is smart ass comments about how she's sooooo busy and doing this or that on the island. The worst thing for me when in the middle of an argument is to have to leave things unresolved, and she knows this but has demonstrated many times that she just doesn't care about it. She'll pass out in the middle of a fight if she's been drinking enough (and even if she hasn't, really). So it wasn't really surprising that her opening lines today when she texted were, "I'm sorry that me having a life and vacation is upsetting you so much". I've told her, in detail, what is bothering me and it's not that I'm upset with her. But see, her logic is so fucking skewed that anything I say right now is going to be twisted into me being upset and "torturing" her by expressing myself. It's fucking ridiculous. But it's also brilliant on her part because there's no reason for me to ever win an argument because her logic is so damn warped. She knew the day she left for this trip that things were not okay but she's chosen to ignore that and try to put it all on me and say I'm the one creating drama and ruining her vacation.
She texted me today around four and honestly, it'd been better if she'd never said another thing to me. After her killer opening line, she went on to talk about how she asked once how I was doing (aren't I lucky boy!) and then tried to turn it around on me and say I haven't asked her how she's doing at all. I'm sorry, if you show absolutely no interest in my life then I'm not going to fawn all over you and your vacation. It doesn't work that way. You don't get to ignore somebody and then expect them to clamor for what little attention you choose to give them. Yesterday she floated the idea of actually talking on the phone this morning but that didn't work out either. Because she had to get to the surf place instead. "Had to" are her favorite words when she's doing something with friends that she wants to do but wants me to think she's being goaded into doing. That way it seems like she has no control over whether or not we talk and it isn't her deliberately choosing not to talk because she "had to" go with the crowd so as not to be rude. She thinks I don't know anything with "had to" in it is a bunch of crap and I prefer to keep it that way. It's not like it'll matter much longer though.
I've been over everything that's going on with us right now for days now but I hit a whole new level this afternoon. When I said she doesn't seem to care what's going on with me, her rebuttal that she'd asked once came with a screenshot of our text history. It was from a few days ago and what it actually said was, "Please let me know you're okay", which is her way of saying she hasn't heard from me in awhile and wants to make sure I'm alive. It was a completely self-serving text, sent to make sure I was still on the line. It wasn't a genuine, 'how are you and how's life' text like she seems to think it was. I didn't even read the thing, just glanced at it. What caught my attention though was my number at the top of the message and not my name. It wasn't new information, she told me a few weeks ago she deleted me from her phone because she no longer wanted to get crap from her friends about texting me (but somehow they don't catch on that she's got a lengthy text convo going on with a random number? It doesn't make any sense but whatever.). But something about actually seeing my words with just a number assigned to them made me snap. If she has decided to reduce me to just a number on a screen then why am I not doing the same? I hadn't even thought about it until a few days ago and even then, as upset as I was, I chose not to take that step. Because in my head that would be one of the major signals that I was finished with this whole mess. After sitting with that screenshot for a few hours, I decided to begin the process of removing myself from this situation. I deleted her from my contacts list in my phone. I added a filter to my email so that her messages no longer go to my inbox but are instead archived immediately. Those are two relatively minor things to most people but they're huge for me because it's not often that I'm pushed to such measures. It takes A LOT to be banned from my contact list. I've had major falling outs with friends in the past that left us estranged but I never removed them from my phone. But if I'm committed to ending this, it's gotta start somewhere. And it felt oddly liberating to do it.

Say You Love But You Don't, Give Love But You Won't.

This marks about the eighth time I've taken a seat and attempted to write a blog on the subject of my current, and soon-to-be former, relationship. The previous ones said most of what I wanted them to but were a bit scattered because that's what my brain is on the subject right now. The only thing I am sure of, and becoming more and more sure of each day, is that it is over. I've said that before and I've attempted to end it before and it's never taken because I still had one foot in the door. And she knew that and she would prey on my uncertainty to bring me back into the fold. What's different this time is that it's not just one foot out the door and my feelings still inside the house wishing things were different. It's more like bags are packed, door is wide open, cab is outside and the only thing I'm waiting for is her to show up so I can hand her the keys and make my exit. And the real kicker is I doubt she even realizes how dire the situation has become. Why? Because she's on "vacation" in Hawaii. That word is in quotes because it seems more like she's incarcerated than on a relaxing beach vacation. I only have to her texts to go by but it sounds as if all 24 hours of every single day has been planned out meticulously. And it would also appear that she's not allowed to spend even a minute by herself, since she's with people every single second. I don't believe it. At all. And what little patience I have has worn thin over the past few days.
I had some pretty awesome and eye opening conversations with friends this weekend. The level of clarity I have on the situation now is amazing. I have always had a bit of a savior complex. It's not that I want to fix the person or their circumstances, it's that I want to be a sort of safe place for them and make at least this part of their life easier. The problem with that is I can become very fiercely attached and it makes it that much more difficult to walk away when the time comes. Even as it all comes crashing down around me, my instinct is still to try and be there for that person. It's that same thing that kept me in and out of this relationship. But it started to become difficult for me to be sympathetic because much of the drama she dealt with on a daily basis could have been avoided. She could have taken herself out of those situations, but chose not to and will no doubt continue to be severely affected because of it. I'm not saying it would be an easy thing to do at all but when someone causes you pain, you ultimately decide whether or not to continue to allow that in your life. Just as I am deciding not to allow something that is no longer making me happy or growing me as a person in my life.
I've been unhappy here for so long that it's making me physically ill just to think about it. I should have taken my own advice long ago and followed through on leaving. It's especially ridiculous because as our fights became more frequent, they also got much nastier and I couldn't believe the things that would fly out of her mouth. I could never fathom saying those things to someone I was in love with, regardless of how upset I was. But that was always her excuse the next morning - 'I'm sorry, I was upset'. I would forgive her every time but I'd never forget it. When I said as much, she said some B.S. about how I was 'keeping score' when that wasn't the case at all. I don't keep score with anyone. I just became super aware of the things I would share with her because it was like being under arrest; I never knew what would later be used against me when she became upset. And every time we fought and things got out of control, I retreated a bit more. About a month ago, we had it out so good that I woke up the next morning sure it was over. I thought it went down perfectly too because she was the one who hung up on me and I've always felt it would be better for her big ass ego if she were the one to call it quits. But late that afternoon she sent the usual text about fixing things. Those texts used to come with an apology but they haven't for quite some time now. Even if it is her fault, she doesn't care enough to admit to it.
Since that fight we've been on and off, something helped by both of our schedules. She's been traveling or working for about three weeks now and the first week was still making time to text and ask how my health was. Since then? I could be six feet under right now and she wouldn't even know it. Her excuse is that she's never near her phone so she basically is able to only text in the morning and then at the end of the day, before she goes to bed at 8PM. While on vacation. In Hawaii. Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either. I don't buy that every second of her life is occupied. This really is showing me her true colors and this time I'm more than willing to sit in the front row and pay close attention to the presentation. I've been sick for a week and she knew this, the last time we talked was the day before she left and I could barely get two words out between coughing fits. I felt as awful as I sounded. The next day she was flying East to West and had a very long layover before taking off for Hawaii. She didn't call. Hell, she barely even texted. Because every second of that layover was apparently planned out for her too. I find it funny how blocks of her life are being planned out by other people to the point where she can't even talk to who she wants. Unless she has no desire to talk to me, and I've concluded that must be it. She has not once asked how I'm feeling or what's going on in my life. Not once. Because she doesn't care. If you care about someone, you make the effort to at least text them. I decided to leave this communication thing completely up to her since she's four hours behind me. Her lack of effort to even text spoke volumes. And if it's one thing I know about myself, it's that once I've made the decision to pick up my marbles and go home, the last thing you should do is cut off contact for a week. Because you will lose me.
All that said, I know extricating myself from this is not going to be easy. We had planned to do something next weekend and before she left she went out of her way to tell me that she's coming back specifically for that. She said she would have booked her flight to L.A. instead to see some friends so I'd better not bail on her. But I'm not even sure what there is to bail on at this point. I'm not going to put myself in a situation where you can attempt to make me change my mind. And it's not like you're flying out to some foreign land where you don't know anybody, you're flying to the city you live in. It's four days you'll be here and then you're gone again and we're both on with separate lives. I expect to get shit for refusing to hang out. In fact, she'll probably be more pissed about that than she will be about this actually ending. Which is fucked up. But doesn't surprise me in the least. Next weekend is going to be far less awesome than this weekend was.

I'm Letting You Go, But I Won't Let You Know

Oh, the things I would like to say about this "relationship". But I'm just spent. What once made me happy emotionally now just exhausts me. And I'm taking it all in and figuring out what to do. We are at Defcon Level One and she doesn't even care. Seems as though the decision of whether to stay or go has already been made...